Bittersweetie Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Unfortunately, it has turned into a game of chess. It seems to me that a healthy, loving relationship does not need power struggles or game playing. That is just part of the drama that is an affair. Realist, do you truly want to be with her, or do you want to "win"? I believe there is difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 It seems to me that a healthy, loving relationship does not need power struggles or game playing. That is just part of the drama that is an affair. Realist, do you truly want to be with her, or do you want to "win"? I believe there is difference. There is nothing to win. Of course I want to be with her. I would not have spent all of this time/ effort if I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Unfortunately, it has turned into a game of chess. It stops being a game when you just simply stop playing and walk away. I've found this to be effective in many situations where the other person wants to keep playing, but I do not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 It stops being a game when you just simply stop playing and walk away. I've found this to be effective in many situations where the other person wants to keep playing, but I do not. I can't. qqqqq Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Unfortunately, it has turned into a game of chess. If love turns into a chess game - That's a sign that it's time to walk away as it's a very unhealthy and damaging thing you two have made your A (or relationship, whatever you want to call it) into. It's the affair dynamic you two have created (obviously not all A's are like yours) and it's turned into a power struggle too. Who has the upper hand, who's calling the shots. Yuck, sounds tiring, draining and dramatic. There are so many other things in life, in perspective of this - Time to make a choice and run with it, whatever that may be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I can't. qqqqq why not? Short term you have to. Long term, the bigger picture? NEITHER of you can handle or are handling the A in a healthy and mature way. it's turned into a game of chess as you've said. how fun is that? How healthy is that? Plus, if you are looking for this JUST to be an A so you two can hang onto and cling to one another that's one thing (unhealthy!!) but if you two are looking into divorcing your spouses and being together forever, then the A as it is now HAS to stop. You know this but does she? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I can't. qqqqq Does she hold some kind of threat over you if you don't continue to play? I can't imagine any other reason why you simply couldn't quit and walk away. So, take steps to negate that 'threat'. If it's to reveal this to your wife...do so proactively. If it's to reveal it to someone else...remind her that she has as much to lose as you do if word gets back to her H. Otherwise, I'm totally at a loss on what else to offer you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 I may have misspoken when I said there is nothing to win. We are both highly competitive individuals. Our relationship actually started with her exclaiming, "I beat you." We challenge each other. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Does she hold some kind of threat over you if you don't continue to play? I can't imagine any other reason why you simply couldn't quit and walk away. So, take steps to negate that 'threat'. If it's to reveal this to your wife...do so proactively. If it's to reveal it to someone else...remind her that she has as much to lose as you do if word gets back to her H. Otherwise, I'm totally at a loss on what else to offer you. She has to know that if the A is revealed to R's wife (though apparently his wife knows of the A and is totally cool with it - she knows MW too) then the truth will come out to MW's husband too. I think that is what MW does NOT want. Her H to find out about the A because then he takes the reins and control over his life and it'll change things up, she'll lose control over everything. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I may have misspoken when I said there is nothing to win. We are both highly competitive individuals. Our relationship actually started with her exclaiming, "I beat you." We challenge each other. Realist, there's healthy competition that's good and challenging, then there's competition that isn't healthy at all.. You and her are competing and it's doing damage and making you both feel bad. This isn't challenging one another, it's pushing each others buttons and an ego trip on some level. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Does she hold some kind of threat over you if you don't continue to play? I can't imagine any other reason why you simply couldn't quit and walk away. So, take steps to negate that 'threat'. If it's to reveal this to your wife...do so proactively. If it's to reveal it to someone else...remind her that she has as much to lose as you do if word gets back to her H. Otherwise, I'm totally at a loss on what else to offer you. I appreciate what you have said. I really don't know if there is anything anyone could offer. It may be one of those things where you have to see what happens. Right now it is truly a game of mind f*ck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I appreciate what you have said. I really don't know if there is anything anyone could offer. It may be one of those things where you have to see what happens. Right now it is truly a game of mind f*ck. I don't how you can put up with the this. Mind fu.ck just so..fu.ked up man. Really, it's this sort of 'game' that can drive someone over the edge and they end up doing something really stupid and damaging to others, not only the players involved. be careful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 Realist, there's healthy competition that's good and challenging, then there's competition that isn't healthy at all.. You and her are competing and it's doing damage and making you both feel bad. This isn't challenging one another, it's pushing each others buttons and an ego trip on some level. I pushed her over the edge and now she is returning the favor in her own way. I don't disagree with anything you said. It is just the dynamic of the relationship. I pushed a button. Now I'm dealing with the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 How can you even trust her? How can she trust you? This is so not friendship. The knife is out yet she has a smile on her face, as do you.. ? I dunno. All I know is, from what you've described this WHOLE situation is needy, desperate and unhealthy, doing a lot of damage to both of you. once this ends, there's gonna be NO friendship left. The bomb you two are passing back and forth IS going to blow up soon and the damage done (being done now) will leave bad scars for everybody. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I pushed her over the edge and now she is returning the favor in her own way. I don't disagree with anything you said. It is just the dynamic of the relationship. I pushed a button. Now I'm dealing with the consequences. is this fun? Really. You think she's worth it? If so, then fine, it's your life and maybe this sort of dynamic is addictive and you both are getting a lot of out the 'game playing'.. Just from an outsider looking in, to have this angst daily, day in and day out would drive me NUTS and give me panic attacks and so much negative emotion. I'd walk away from it all, if I were in your shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 How can you even trust her? How can she trust you? This is so not friendship. The knife is out yet she has a smile on her face, as do you.. ? I dunno. All I know is, from what you've described this WHOLE situation is needy, desperate and unhealthy, doing a lot of damage to both of you. once this ends, there's gonna be NO friendship left. The bomb you two are passing back and forth IS going to blow up soon and the damage done (being done now) will leave bad scars for everybody. We trust each other implicitly. It is totally a friendhip. If our romantic thing went out the window, the friendship would remain forever. This is a power struggle. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 There are no power struggles in a "friendship". Sounds to me like the drama is the draw at this point. I can't see how a power struggle is in anyway attractive or "friendly". I've gotta say that I sure don't see the glamour and glitz that you described your affair with previously...now it sounds like drama and desperation. Do you WANT to end the game? Or is that why you can't quit...because you're enjoying it too much? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 There are no power struggles in a "friendship". Sounds to me like the drama is the draw at this point. I can't see how a power struggle is in anyway attractive or "friendly". I've gotta say that I sure don't see the glamour and glitz that you described your affair with previously...now it sounds like drama and desperation. Do you WANT to end the game? Or is that why you can't quit...because you're enjoying it too much? BH(BetrayedH) said it early on. I wanted to end the drama that was already present. That was the whole purpose of my initial action. Now, I am probably feeding off of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 BH(BetrayedH) said it early on. I wanted to end the drama that was already present. That was the whole purpose of my initial action. Now, I am probably feeding off of it. Then grow the h*** up and stop!!!!!!! You're a man. Act like it. Take control of your own sh** and stop acting like a little girl with no control over your own actions, your own life. Otherwise...accept the situation and embrace it wholeheartedly. I don't care which. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I may have misspoken when I said there is nothing to win. We are both highly competitive individuals. Our relationship actually started with her exclaiming, "I beat you." We challenge each other. That's what I thought. Then grow the h*** up and stop!!!!!!! You're a man. Act like it. Take control of your own sh** and stop acting like a little girl with no control over your own actions, your own life. Otherwise...accept the situation and embrace it wholeheartedly. I don't care which. Good luck. I second this. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 We trust each other implicitly. It is totally a friendhip. If our romantic thing went out the window, the friendship would remain forever. This is a power struggle. The key word being "STRUGGLE"! When it's love - their is no power struggle. You are very misguided. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 The key word being "STRUGGLE"! When it's love - their is no power struggle. You are very misguided. Yes, if there are no other factors involved. There are in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Yes, if there are no other factors involved. There are in this case. I've got to disagree with you here, Realist. I think you're "reading in" more to the situation in order to give yourself and her the proper rationalizations to continue. I can't imagine what "other factors" make a "power struggle" acceptable in a friendship or semi-romantic relationship. They're acceptable (to you) because you want them to be...not because of any "outside factors". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 27, 2013 Author Share Posted February 27, 2013 I've got to disagree with you here, Realist. I think you're "reading in" more to the situation in order to give yourself and her the proper rationalizations to continue. I can't imagine what "other factors" make a "power struggle" acceptable in a friendship or semi-romantic relationship. They're acceptable (to you) because you want them to be...not because of any "outside factors". They are acceptable because I'm not dealing with a clean slate. We read here often how single women get involved with MM and the power struggles that exist. With a MM and MW relationship it is not any different. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 I don't agree, Realist. But...that changes nothing...clearly my agreement is irrelevent. So...what's YOUR plan going forward? Link to post Share on other sites
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