I ended my affair last night.

[Act Two]

Gracious. What are you two lovebirds going to do with yourselves if you get to actually be together and the chess game is over?

[Act Two]

BH(BetrayedH) said it early on.

 

I wanted to end the drama that was already present. That was the whole purpose of my initial action. Now, I am probably feeding off of it.

 

Well, at least you are self aware enough to recognize what you are doing. I would argue that mind f$&king each other indefinitely is neither healthy nor loving.

[BetrayedH]

Breaking up in order to influence a romantic partner isn't a rare occurence. In fact, I somewhat routinely recommend to new BSs to immediately file for divorce if they want to save their marriages. Some may call it gamesmanship; others might call it defining your boundaries. It's way of showing very clearly that your dealbreaker threshold has been reached. Many times the person doing the breaking up quietly hopes that the other person will finally recognize this and make a change that allows the relationship to continue. But they may also be quite determined that if change doesn't happen, the break-up will remain.

 

Personally, I think you communicated your dissatisfaction with her hot/cold, on again/off again approach to the point but it wasn't affecting change. So you broke up with her to clearly demonstrate that continuing that way really was a dealbreaker for you.

 

She agreed to change and that allowed you to resume the relationship.

 

The problem is that she has now probably become resentful about being manipulated in this fashion and she's going to give you a taste of your own medicine. To be brief, the power that you gained was short-lived. In fact, she's so confident now that you were bluffing that she has called your bluff. But she doesn't really want to be broken up either, which is why she will maintain the casual relationship with you. She's communicating via the same process thst what you did wasn't cool.

 

So, the problem that I see here is that there is a resumption of her keeping the control of the relationship in the same hot/cold fashion that was a dealbreaker for you just a few weeks ago. I would equate it to a game of chicken. If you swerve, you are communicating that her behavior was not really a dealbreaker for you after all. If she swerves, she would be communicating to you that your manipulation of her was ok.

 

So, who swerves first?

 

I recommend you both sit down and have an adult conversation about compromise. Frankly, you both give something. In any successful negotiation, neither party gets everything they wanted and both parties feel a little pain. I think she was willing to come your direction but probably felt resentful about feeling manipulated. I think you're willing to admit your tactics weren't good but you still need the dynamics to change.

 

It's feasible to repair what's happened but you have to stop making it look like you're trying to smash into each other. Stop the competition and negotiate instead. I suggest you be the one to suggest it.

 

And by the way, you do need to ackowledge that a relationship needs to grow over time. You are forcing yourselves to stay in neutral and that is a fundamental part of the problem. Relationship progress; they are not static. You need to seriously consider leaving your spouses or this pattern is likely to repeat itself. Your frustration is with the dynamic and it is stifling you both. The fact that you'll both respond in a passive-aggressive way doesn't help but it's not the cause. My $.02

[2sunny]

Well, at least you are self aware enough to recognize what you are doing. I would argue that mind f$&king each other indefinitely is neither healthy nor loving.

 

This makes them a perfect match.

 

But remember, you two have everything backwards.

[Realist3]

Peace truce. For the time being. I haven't read back yet but I'm tired. Will comment in the morning.