stillafool Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 If you had your wife's approval to have an affair, then you didn't cheat. You have an open marriage, which is much different than the people that post here. Realist, if your wife knows about the affair and is okay with it why did you break it off with OW? It isn't as if you have to worry about getting caught. Why, if you love this OW did you break up with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 You also give me hope that my ex-MM really did care and still does, but just couldn’t do it anymore. Why do you need to be loved? Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Why do you need to be loved? Why don't you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Share Posted February 7, 2013 Realist, your story is interesting because we usually read about how the OW feels the MM does what your MW is doing. You know, dialing down the intensity to keep them at arms length? What kind of drama did she create for you during these times? Or was it that she just pulled back after spending time with you? Sorry for asking so many questions, I'm just curious. Pulled back in terms of communication; not frequency per se, but expressiveness. We talk every day. Pulled back in time together. She just can't keep an even keel. In her message to me last night she expressed that it was the only way she could keep things from blowing up both of our families. It was her way of controlling her emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Share Posted February 7, 2013 If you had your wife's approval to have an affair, then you didn't cheat. You have an open marriage, which is much different than the people that post here. It started out as an affair. She didn't know about it. She later found out and decided to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 It started out as an affair. She didn't know about it. She later found out and decided to let it go. A woman's trash is another woman's treasure. :laugh: Not implying anything about you, but that is how the world turns. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Share Posted February 7, 2013 I'm not going to make this a running dialogue about day to day developments, but this is going to be a lot tougher than I figured. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Curious.....how so? Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 I was quite surprised on reading this Realist3, but I may have you confused with another poster, Sauron. If you're the same guy and I've somehow missed this - apologies. (I know we are allowed more than one ID on this board provided we don't set up a dialogue with ourselves - I hope I got that right - and I'm not accusing you of that or anything.) I think I remember at least you are a lawyer (maybe?). Anyway if the end of the A "sticks" then I'm sure this is the best thing for you all if you all want to remain married to your current spouses. It is difficult to make the open marriage thing work I think especially when it started because one partner cheated. You have been married exactly the same length of time I have so I can assure you there can be great rewards in "working on your marriage" after infidelity, but it does require that certain behaviour not be repeated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 Curious.....how so? Aside from the fact that I am madly in love with her, which makes it hard enough... Today she tells me at school that if I don't like her pulling back to keep our families intact then she will go all out and let the chips fall where they may. If there was any doubt to any of the teachers at the school about our relationship, there isn't anymore. I tried to avoid her as school was letting out. She came up to me and started talking, and talking, and talking, and talking. I barely said a word. Before I knew it we weren't surrounded by 800 school kids, 60 teachers, and 100 or so parents; we were all alone with our kids yelling at us to stop talking. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Oh my god. Does it worry you that if she was unstable and a roller coaster of emotions when you were together and fairly “settled” that now she has a huge reason to be upset and unstable, that she will…freak out completely and cause major trouble? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Aside from the fact that I am madly in love with her, which makes it hard enough... Today she tells me at school that if I don't like her pulling back to keep our families intact then she will go all out and let the chips fall where they may. If there was any doubt to any of the teachers at the school about our relationship, there isn't anymore. I tried to avoid her as school was letting out. She came up to me and started talking, and talking, and talking, and talking. I barely said a word. Before I knew it we weren't surrounded by 800 school kids, 60 teachers, and 100 or so parents; we were all alone with our kids yelling at us to stop talking. ruh roh. impending dday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 Oh my god. Does it worry you that if she was unstable and a roller coaster of emotions when you were together and fairly “settled” that now she has a huge reason to be upset and unstable, that she will…freak out completely and cause major trouble? She was never unstable, and I'm sorry if that was the impression. The roller coaster was totally on purpose as a way to keep herself from deciding to breakup our families. It was her coping mechanism. She's an intense woman, and to keep herself from becoming too intense that is what she did. I got tired of it. I'm more of an even keel type of person. The dispute was about the difference in how we handled the affair. There is absolutely nothing about that I don't like, except that. In terms of freaking out? I don't think so. Obviously, my saying I wanted it to end caught her off guard big time. She really thinks it is over for good and she does not want that to happen. I was able to get her to rethink her plan of action, BUT I think she may have unwittingly set them into action with today's discussion. It was glaringly obvious that this was not just two parents having a passing conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 One of the first things she said when this affair started was, "I don't want to be a homewrecker." And we both agreed. We weren't going to allow this to become a situation where either family was destroyed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 There is absolutely nothing about her that I don't like, except that. ten characters and beyond. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 It sounds like she is caring less about wrecking her own home life. What happens if she causes her own Dday? I'm not being snippy but genuinely curious. She wants to continue this affair. Then you're left with an OW with massive drama at home and you've got a wife that just doesn't want it in her face. Seems like a very possible death spiral. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Aside from the fact that I am madly in love with her, which makes it hard enough... Today she tells me at school that if I don't like her pulling back to keep our families intact then she will go all out and let the chips fall where they may. If there was any doubt to any of the teachers at the school about our relationship, there isn't anymore. I tried to avoid her as school was letting out. She came up to me and started talking, and talking, and talking, and talking. I barely said a word. Before I knew it we weren't surrounded by 800 school kids, 60 teachers, and 100 or so parents; we were all alone with our kids yelling at us to stop talking. Very interesting....your ongoing affair parallels my previous affair somewhat. We would see each other every day at school, walk our kids out together, talk at the cars, leave at the same time, take the kids to Target for crappy food aftr school.....we were seen quite a bit. Many thought I was her H, but it was later that I found out we were the topic of discussion at school. Even before the sparks flew, people saw what was brewing between us and when it finally boiled over, it became more evident to everyone around us, especially the teachers and front office staff...but man, we thought we were slick.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 My gut says you better get very decisive about what position you're going to take. I get that you want more stability. You broke-up with her over it but I get the impression that you're trying to make a statement to her moreso than you are actually trying to be done with her. I'm not saying it was a conscious effort but I get the idea that you're trying more to manipulate her into resuming the affair in a more stable fashion than anything else. And that manipulation tactic is backfiring. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 She was never unstable, and I'm sorry if that was the impression. The roller coaster was totally on purpose as a way to keep herself from deciding to breakup our families. It was her coping mechanism. She's an intense woman, and to keep herself from becoming too intense that is what she did. I got tired of it. I'm more of an even keel type of person. The dispute was about the difference in how we handled the affair. There is absolutely nothing about that I don't like, except that. In terms of freaking out? I don't think so. Obviously, my saying I wanted it to end caught her off guard big time. She really thinks it is over for good and she does not want that to happen. I was able to get her to rethink her plan of action, BUT I think she may have unwittingly set them into action with today's discussion. It was glaringly obvious that this was not just two parents having a passing conversation. Your OW made a scene in front of the whole student body, teachers and staff, and also in front if your own children. All that espionage you both employed to keep her husband from busting your affair has now become null and void. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Oops, I get it better now re the instability. I thought it was her emotional state that was naturally unstable and drama-prone, not that she’d get so close and then pull back in order to keep herself from wrecking her (and your) family. Now she is not being so private and protective about those things…maybe she just is lost and doesn’t know what she wants. You (even if it means hurting her family) or the previous stability of her existing family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 I think she wants him more than anything (including her family) and here he is trying to dump her (sort of). The well-balanced affair is becoming unbalanced in a hurry. She's about to call his bluff in a big way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 I think she wants him more than anything (including her family) and here he is trying to dump her (sort of). The well-balanced affair is becoming unbalanced in a hurry. She's about to call his bluff in a big way. Very astute observation. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 When my ex left me for a month last June, I was tempted to just throw everything away and go over there to be with him. I thought…”F**k it, I NEED to be with him. Who cares about all the obstacles and concerns and reasons not to be!” Obviously I never did that. Seems she’s a bit lost and desperate and has moved slightly towards that way of thinking. It’s understandable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 If there is one thing I have learned over the past couple of days, it is that I picked the totally wrong way to try and end this. Unfortunately, there are no do-overs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Your OW made a scene in front of the whole student body, teachers and staff, and also in front if your own children. All that espionage you both employed to keep her husband from busting your affair has now become null and void. I agree. You have the ability to not engage her in conversation. Yet you do... Even to the point of allowing her to now embarrass you and your children. Why do you think that's reasonable? To simply walk away after saying hello is as much as you owe her. She's gonna continue causing MORae drama - that's how she plans to get your sympathy and attention. Seems pathetic to me. She needs help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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