Owl Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I've been 'gone' for a while...happened to stop by and see this thread. I'm curious, Realist. After all this stress and drama as a result of your choice to "take a break" and not truly "end" the affair...what's your take on it now? Do you still hope/intend to resume it again at a later date? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 It's a figure of speech. The bus was the affair. MOW was driving it. Now I am. Realist, maybe I'm reading this wrong...but in a real, caring, relationship, why would one person or the other be a "driver"? Based on my experience, my M, which is now healthy, there is no "driver." But my A, which was not healthy, I'd say the xOM was the driver, as he tended to have control of things. And I would sometimes attempt to gain control from him, or "drive," as you put it. Do you want a relationship or to be in control? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 I've been 'gone' for a while...happened to stop by and see this thread. I'm curious, Realist. After all this stress and drama as a result of your choice to "take a break" and not truly "end" the affair...what's your take on it now? Do you still hope/intend to resume it again at a later date? Given some events that took place as a result of this thread which I cannot discuss; it caused us to have a very frank discussion. Insight was gained by the fact that she read my thoughts on the subject; definitely a twist I had not anticipated. The rash judgement to 'let the chips fall where they may', has been successfully taken off the table right now. Good thing. I'm not sure that I know how I feel quite yet. The actions that led to me ending it or taking a break have been promised not to be continued so that is a positive. I am still glad I did it because I really couldn't take it anymore. That is out in the open now. How it moves forward I don't really know as of yet. I'm in a difficult situation here. I now have the real possibility that she is reading everything I post here, even though she said she won't and has no desire to do so. Curiosity is a powerful thing. Putting myself in her shoes I would find it difficult not to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Oh she's reading. Would be hard not to. With that said, hopefully she is taking time too, to go read other threads, here and in the infidelity section to help her with everything, gain insight and also 'get' what she is doing to her own husband. It could be a positive, whatever the outcome is down the road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I've been 'gone' for a while...happened to stop by and see this thread. I'm curious, Realist. After all this stress and drama as a result of your choice to "take a break" and not truly "end" the affair...what's your take on it now? Do you still hope/intend to resume it again at a later date? It never ended. It's fully back on too, after a brief punishment by Realist to push her back to her compliant corner. Now that she promises to behave - its back on. Oh brother! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Can someone PM me what I missed on this thread? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Realist, time to face reality I think and to decide what next. If indeed you are making decisions and choices. I too am confused and have missed what happened, however, it doesn't change my advice (for what it is worth) is to make up your mind as to what bus you choose to take on the journey through life and stick to the route. It all sounds very complicated and a bit of a mess, I think we all forget sometimes that the internet is open to all and most people seeking support or advice with A's will end up here. I hope you are working through all this and that neither your wife or OW is being gaslighted (gaslit)? and that you are being honest in your intentions so they at least have all the facts to make informed choices. Whatever happens, it sound like your children are very important to you and no matter what, they must always take first priority, but you know that. Take a breather and decide what next, no one can have a foot in all camps and just keep fingers crossed it won't all blow up at some point, no matter how clever they think they are, sooner or later it catches up. I hope it all works out for the best for all of you. I too am curious as to the mysterious happenings....... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 So I'm curious...has your affair remain ended so far, Realist? Been a while since you've posted an update (and I get that there may be other reasons for that), so thought I'd ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 It was back on by the time of my last post in this thread. Her reading this thread led to promises of addressing the issues that made me decide to try and end it in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 If this is true, it's a good example how many AP have self esteem issues and why many accept their lesser role. Not a very kind thing to do to her - again, if this is in fact what's going on. That is not what is going on at all. "Compliant corner"? LMAO! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 It was back on by the time of my last post in this thread. Her reading this thread led to promises of addressing the issues that made me decide to try and end it in the first place. You caved! Okay, seriously though, by starting up the A again and giving in so quickly, she totally knows now she has you. Selfishly, not maliciously... Her promises mean nothing until you see it in action. People cannot change overnight. I hope for your sake she makes big efforts to prevent what happened before and her behaviour etc., so I guess time will tell. Just wish you would have kept your distance for a while longer so she could have more time to see what life is like without you in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 I wish I could have as well, but once this was all out in the open to her and she made some sincere pleas, I felt like I owed her a chance. We really did have some of the best discussions we have had. Ironic to say the least. Time will tell. So far so good. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Realist, come on, dude. From the time you "ended" this affair, you knew it wasn't going to stick and you said as much. It seems perfectly reasonable to think that your real intent (conscious or not) was to teach your OW a lesson that this hot/cold business wasn't going to work. You knew what effect breaking up with her would have (underestimated it, I think) and now you're "driving the bus." The method just makes it appear that it was somehow her idea. Maybe she's not in a compliant corner but don't you think you've manipulated the situation to get her to change her behavior/comply with what you want? It was a calculated risk and one that almost blew up in your face but one that was ultimately effective. Just hard to admit here, I suppose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 Realist, come on, dude. From the time you "ended" this affair, you knew it wasn't going to stick and you said as much. It seems perfectly reasonable to think that your real intent (conscious or not) was to teach your OW a lesson that this hot/cold business wasn't going to work. You knew what effect breaking up with her would have (underestimated it, I think) and now you're "driving the bus." The method just makes it appear that it was somehow her idea. Maybe she's not in a compliant corner but don't you think you've manipulated the situation to get her to change her behavior/comply with what you want? It was a calculated risk and one that almost blew up in your face but one that was ultimately effective. Just hard to admit here, I suppose. I will have to give that some thought. At the time I had no intention of teaching anyone anything; I just wanted off the train because it had become a negative to me. In the end, what you suggested is the result. I still believe that if she had not read this thread it still would have been off. Hard to say. I'm sure we still would have had some further discussions about it, but she had a ton of ammo to plead her case. So far it is like walking down a different path, we will see where it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 I will have to give that some thought. At the time I had no intention of teaching anyone anything; I just wanted off the train because it had become a negative to me. In the end, what you suggested is the result. I still believe that if she had not read this thread it still would have been off. Hard to say. I'm sure we still would have had some further discussions about it, but she had a ton of ammo to plead her case. So far it is like walking down a different path, we will see where it goes. Well, I have to give you credit for being willing to be introspective. I got the impression early in the thread that you didn't expect this to really be the end, although on a few occassions you seemed to be ready to stick to your guns. But I mostly got the impression that it was conditional. If she was willing to change, you were willing to continue. The temporary break-up seemed like a means that end (at least to me) pretty early on. I think I just don't put as much malicious intent behind it as some other posters might. I saw it as a more subconscious attempt to get her to change the scenario from the hot/cold that wasn't working for you. But instead of subconscious, I'm starting to think that perhaps "passive-aggressive" might be a more apt term. You found a less direct way of influencing change. I'm not judging you for it; hell, we all do it to some extent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 So basically..you threatened to abandon her unless she started submitting to your will completely..and now that she's promised to be a good girl, you are rewarding her with your penis. Wow..this chick has some major issues. I hope that you are encouraging her to go to therapy. If you truly cared about her, you would. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 So basically..you threatened to abandon her unless she started submitting to your will completely..and now that she's promised to be a good girl, you are rewarding her with your penis. Wow..this chick has some major issues. I hope that you are encouraging her to go to therapy. If you truly cared about her, you would. You have no idea what you are talking about. In fact if you had bothered to read the thread you would know that your underlying premise is totally incorrect. Some people here were suggested I should abandon her, and I said I was not about to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 You have no idea what you are talking about. In fact if you had bothered to read the thread you would know that your underlying premise is totally incorrect. Some people here were suggested I should abandon her, and I said I was not about to do that. That's how I read what you posted (and I'm obviously not the only one who felt that way). I can't help it if you make yourself sound like a total [email protected]'s your own doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 You are the one that insisting on posting about something you have not read and have no clue about. Your aim was to come on here and make snide remarks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 Okay, seriously though, by starting up the A again and giving in so quickly, she totally knows now she has you. Yep. I'm still taking that all in. A lot of implcations with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Act Two Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm honestly curious as to how you can sustain a relationship indefinitely where you are in love with each other but can't go to the next level. Don't you want to fulfill it to the point where you can spend all of your time together? Doesn't it get frustrating? I lived in the cake eating place for a long time so I am not judging you for that, but wondering how you both as a couple sustain that in your affair. I know the inability to get anywhere really blew things up for exOM and me. In my case, he was single and very frustrated with my situation, and in your case, you have your other lives to maintain so it is a position of mutually-assured destruction (pardon my cold-war analogy), but how long can you go with that before your relationship in that state gets too frustrating? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm honestly curious as to how you can sustain a relationship indefinitely where you are in love with each other but can't go to the next level. Don't you want to fulfill it to the point where you can spend all of your time together? Doesn't it get frustrating? I lived in the cake eating place for a long time so I am not judging you for that, but wondering how you both as a couple sustain that in your affair. I know the inability to get anywhere really blew things up for exOM and me. In my case, he was single and very frustrated with my situation, and in your case, you have your other lives to maintain so it is a position of mutually-assured destruction (pardon my cold-war analogy), but how long can you go with that before your relationship in that state gets too frustrating? Excellent post. What you discuss here is certainly something at the center of our dynamic and something I think about a lot. It is most definitely frustrating, not being able to take it to the next level. I can't count the number of times when I have said, "Eff it! Let's do this." But then I have a strong kick in the pants of reality, and what would take place if we did. The passion takes me in one direction, but when I think about what would happen to our families, it is just not in anyone's best interest. As you mentioned the fact that we are both married takes away many of the expectations of being involved with a single AP, I would presume. You read here often of OW/OM getting upset because of a facebook photo, vacation, or holiday experience that their MM/MW have and it upsets them. I won't deny I wish it was me with her on those trips or her with me on mine, but they don't create a friction. In the beginning we set forth our expecations and wants. We agreed what this relationship would be, and what it would not become. While it was very easy to say that at the beginning, it has become more and more difficult as we have fallen more deeply in love. I almost found out several days ago that she was willing to blow up that agreement. Back to your question; yes, it is frustrating as hell. She chose a way to deal with it that ended up driving me crazy to the point where I was willing to end it. I have just always viewed it as a forbidden love, one that I want to continue for as many years as it can,... indenfitely. Everyone can have a plan, but that doesn't mean it will work out that way. Who knows what the future holds? One thing I do know is that she will be a part of my life is some form or fashion forever; whether it be is my AP, my wife, or my best friend, I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 A true cake eater. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 Last night she ended our discussion saying, "Please promise me you will always be my partner.". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 A true cake eater. Yep. So what? It works for us. Link to post Share on other sites
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