I ended my affair last night.

[stevie_23]

I'm honestly curious as to how you can sustain a relationship indefinitely where you are in love with each other but can't go to the next level. Don't you want to fulfill it to the point where you can spend all of your time together? Doesn't it get frustrating?

 

I lived in the cake eating place for a long time so I am not judging you for that, but wondering how you both as a couple sustain that in your affair. I know the inability to get anywhere really blew things up for exOM and me. In my case, he was single and very frustrated with my situation, and in your case, you have your other lives to maintain so it is a position of mutually-assured destruction (pardon my cold-war analogy), but how long can you go with that before your relationship in that state gets too frustrating?

 

I agree with this. My ex-MM and I wanted to take things to the next level. We didn't want to just be online / text, we didn't want to not be together all the time. We kidded ourselves into believing, due to circumstances involved, that if this was all we could have, then we could do it indefinitely and be happy that way. But...obviously not.

[stevie_23]

I have just always viewed it as a forbidden love, one that I want to continue for as many years as it can,... indenfitely. Everyone can have a plan, but that doesn't mean it will work out that way. Who knows what the future holds? One thing I do know is that she will be a part of my life is some form or fashion forever; whether it be is my AP, my wife, or my best friend, I don't know.

 

Wow. This could've been said by my own ex-MM. Except he can't have me in his life at ALL because it's too hard. He can't be with me anymore and so...he has none of me and this is his choice. I think the most he might have is some sort of forever spiritual hidden love inside his heart and nothing more.

[Realist3]

Wow. This could've been said by my own ex-MM. Except he can't have me in his life at ALL because it's too hard. He can't be with me anymore and so...he has none of me and this is his choice. I think the most he might have is some sort of forever spiritual hidden love inside his heart and nothing more.

 

As I recall, you have had several d-days in your history. If my wife had reacted differently when she found out, who knows where we would be right now. As I have shown by detailing some of our subterfuge; making sure she doesn't have one is of utmost importance.

 

I'm sure whatever you two shared will always be with him.

[stevie_23]

Thank you. I believe so too.

 

In terms of subterfuge, yes, it was our #1 priority for his wife never to find out about us again too, but...that didn't work out.

 

I used to feel pretty outraged and indignant about the fact he told me we'd always be together, that he'd be with me forever and love me forever and all that, and then...POOF! Gone! I was like...WTF!?!? I thought for a brief time his words meant nothing, but...no. Not quite. In a way, yeah, they didn't translate into eventual action or genuine outcomes, but I know he still meant them when he said them. Circumstances change. Situations change. So beliefs and expectations change accordingly, whether you want that or not.

 

The first D-day was small and it only happened because he didn't have any "plan" put in place yet because he didn't feel he needed to. She hacked into his songwriting forum account and read some messages he'd sent. Nothing too bad.

 

The second D-day was because he didn't think he had to be as careful as he obviously needed to be, and used his normal work phone to text me...and she freaked out about the number of texts (these didn't show up anywhere on his bill and he wasn't charged for them, which is why he assumed it was ok, but she went online to check in more detail).

 

By the third D-day, we were already being very careful and had systems in place, but he screwed up (I don't blame him for this) one morning when he wasn't feeling well and couldn't wake up properly and fell asleep after we chatted and texted, and forgot to sign out of the email account he used for our communciation AND left his secret phone out of its hiding place, so his wife found both...

 

The fourth D-day we were by then being the MOST careful and restrictive EVER, because we now knew this simply could NOT happen again. And then BAM!! She got his bank records and it showed the monthly payments to his secret phone company. So...buh-bye us.

[Realist3]

That's tough.

 

I'm not going get into the mistakes, but after 2, wow. Just not being prudent.

[2sure]

Realist ...it just seems like such a pain, and I get that you love each other, but

With no where to go with it, it just seems so redundant to me.

Mind you, I realize while saying this that my longest relationship was a 4 year marriage....and apparently that gets redundant too.

 

But you already have a marriage it looks like you aren't going to change...why another relationship that can nly become an obligation.

 

You love your wife and are obligated in your mind to stay married.

Now you love OW and it seems as though you are making an bligation to her as well.

 

Im anti affair based on my life's experience, but I understand the motives behind them...this just doesn't sound fun to me. It doesn't sound life enhancing, even on a selfish level.

[stevie_23]

That's tough.

 

I'm not going get into the mistakes, but after 2, wow. Just not being prudent.

 

I know. I remember thinking he seemed to continually underestimate his wife’s suspicion somewhat.

 

Anyway, the first D-day I don’t blame him. We were early on in the piece, he’d never had an online relationship of any kind before, let alone an online affair, and she hacked into his account, so…not his fault.

 

The second D-day, I admit he SHOULD have gotten a secret phone right from the beginning instead of using his work one, but he didn’t think she’d know about anything since there was no bill and no charge for the texts. I used MY own phone (but then, my partner was never a snooper or suspicious like his was).

 

The third D-day technically was blatantly his fault, for forgetting to sign out of the email account and leaving his secret phone lying around, but…he wasn’t well. His mind was in a total fog of grogginess and he just didn’t think. He had warned me before that he wasn’t as “sharp” as he once was (this is shortly after he got out of the hospital. His illness then affected his mental acuity).

 

The fourth D-day technically was an oversight on his (and my) part. He should’ve been paying for his secret phone in cash. No record, no trace. But…he didn’t. So. It’s done.

[18Years2Late]

Thank you. I believe so too.

 

In terms of subterfuge, yes, it was our #1 priority for his wife never to find out about us again too, but...that didn't work out.

 

I used to feel pretty outraged and indignant about the fact he told me we'd always be together, that he'd be with me forever and love me forever and all that, and then...POOF! Gone! I was like...WTF!?!? I thought for a brief time his words meant nothing, but...no. Not quite. In a way, yeah, they didn't translate into eventual action or genuine outcomes, but I know he still meant them when he said them. Circumstances change. Situations change. So beliefs and expectations change accordingly, whether you want that or not.

 

The first D-day was small and it only happened because he didn't have any "plan" put in place yet because he didn't feel he needed to. She hacked into his songwriting forum account and read some messages he'd sent. Nothing too bad.

 

The second D-day was because he didn't think he had to be as careful as he obviously needed to be, and used his normal work phone to text me...and she freaked out about the number of texts (these didn't show up anywhere on his bill and he wasn't charged for them, which is why he assumed it was ok, but she went online to check in more detail).

 

By the third D-day, we were already being very careful and had systems in place, but he screwed up (I don't blame him for this) one morning when he wasn't feeling well and couldn't wake up properly and fell asleep after we chatted and texted, and forgot to sign out of the email account he used for our communciation AND left his secret phone out of its hiding place, so his wife found both...

 

The fourth D-day we were by then being the MOST careful and restrictive EVER, because we now knew this simply could NOT happen again. And then BAM!! She got his bank records and it showed the monthly payments to his secret phone company. So...buh-bye us.

 

MM...They're not the brightest bulbs in the box are they...that's what happens when ur brain is not above ur waist...

[stevie_23]

Lol. I think mine’s brain was working a BIT better than some others though, as we were a long distance A so there wasn’t any actual, literal physicality going on.

[Realist3]

Realist ...it just seems like such a pain, and I get that you love each other, but

With no where to go with it, it just seems so redundant to me.

Mind you, I realize while saying this that my longest relationship was a 4 year marriage....and apparently that gets redundant too.

 

But you already have a marriage it looks like you aren't going to change...why another relationship that can nly become an obligation.

 

You love your wife and are obligated in your mind to stay married.

Now you love OW and it seems as though you are making an bligation to her as well.

 

Im anti affair based on my life's experience, but I understand the motives behind them...this just doesn't sound fun to me. It doesn't sound life enhancing, even on a selfish level.

 

You said a lot there that is very true, in more ways than you might realize.

 

If someone walked to me today whether they be a stranger or a good friend and asked me about having an affair, I would tell them straight up, "Don't do it." It is a pain. But you can't help who fall in love with. And once you do, then you will put up with a lot of pain. In the opening paragraph of this thread I stated how good it felt to be free of that burden. It was brief, but it was there nonetheless. It is a conflicting set of emotions. Free from the burdens of jumping through hoops, free from having to worry about someone getting caught, free from the whole thing and all in entails. But then there is the love.

 

When you mentioned fun you hit on a strong note there. A lot of it isn't fun. But you kinda get used to that. The appearance of having some clandestine relationship may sound intriguing, but it's not. It's not. Some people like to try and guess motives and cast aspersions, some not so nice, about why I am doing this, but it has nothing to do with some nefarious underpinnings of my psyche or a selfishness. I met someone and we fell in love. Unfortunately, we weren't supposed to, but we did. She is part of me, and I don't want to let her go; even though I wish it weren't this difficult.

[Realist3]

I know. I remember thinking he seemed to continually underestimate his wife’s suspicion somewhat.

 

Anyway, the first D-day I don’t blame him. We were early on in the piece, he’d never had an online relationship of any kind before, let alone an online affair, and she hacked into his account, so…not his fault.

 

The second D-day, I admit he SHOULD have gotten a secret phone right from the beginning instead of using his work one, but he didn’t think she’d know about anything since there was no bill and no charge for the texts. I used MY own phone (but then, my partner was never a snooper or suspicious like his was).

 

The third D-day technically was blatantly his fault, for forgetting to sign out of the email account and leaving his secret phone lying around, but…he wasn’t well. His mind was in a total fog of grogginess and he just didn’t think. He had warned me before that he wasn’t as “sharp” as he once was (this is shortly after he got out of the hospital. His illness then affected his mental acuity).

 

The fourth D-day technically was an oversight on his (and my) part. He should’ve been paying for his secret phone in cash. No record, no trace. But…he didn’t. So. It’s done.

 

 

Error after error. You have to be on your game ALL THE TIME! Most people get caught because they are careless.

[ThatJustHappened]

You are the one that insisting on posting about something you have not read and have no clue about.

 

Your aim was to come on here and make snide remarks.

 

Wrong! I've read all of it and I stand by everything I've said. You torture women for fun and pleasure. You are the epitome of cold, heartless selfishness. You won't convince me otherwise so don't bother responding.

[stevie_23]

I feel the same way about my A, Realist. And I think your words could easily be my ex-MM’s words and feelings on it too. How it’s NOT fun a lot of the time. How jumping through hoops, being always stressed about being found out, constantly wanting to be with that other person but not being able to be…it’s HARD. The love makes it worth it, I guess. But it’s hard to justify even with the love, because it’s 2 sides of 2 different coins, so to speak. Even if there is SO much love, sometimes it still doesn’t translate directly to being able to endure the negative aspects of it.

 

And yes, many errors. Under-estimations and assumptions that proved to be inaccurate on his part about his wife’s suspicion.

 

I never got caught. I came close once, and OMG it freaked me out. I was frazzled because my partner’s mother was staying with us and this always puts me totally on edge, and I was feeling particularly lost and alone so texted my ex-MM (during my afternoon, while he was sleeping in his early morning hours) and then realised as I hit SEND that I’d sent it to my PARTNER. OMG OMG OMG! Luckily she was home and she and her mum were talking in the other room so I went straight out, picked up her phone and deleted the text. I told her I’d just sent a text to my best friend but sent it to her by mistake (I’ve done that before actually, many years ago and it was no problem as we really were just friends), and she barely noticed cause she was distracted by her mum. My heart took about an hour to properly slow down after that.

[stevie_23]

Wrong! I've read all of it and I stand by everything I've said. You torture women for fun and pleasure. You are the epitome of cold, heartless selfishness. You won't convince me otherwise so don't bother responding.

 

Oh my goodness.

 

I know I’m biased here, but I don’t get that impression from the OP at all. I feel he truly loves his OW.

[Realist3]

Wrong! I've read all of it and I stand by everything I've said. You torture women for fun and pleasure. You are the epitome of cold, heartless selfishness. You won't convince me otherwise so don't bother responding.

 

I really don't give a damn what you think, so please feel free to stop responding to this thread. You aren't providing anything remotely helpful, thought provoking, or anything pertinent to the thread. You're excused.

[Realist3]

All you have done is come in here and attack. You aren't insterested in conversation. All you are doing is throwing around your two bit insults.

[Lillyfree]

erm... people have different ways of expressing their opinion. i believe all comments can be beneficial in their own way.

 

i'm not even sure what the question is anymore OP? as in, you are back in the A, or are you still considering ending things?

[18Years2Late]

erm... people have different ways of expressing their opinion. i believe all comments can be beneficial in their own way.

 

i'm not even sure what the question is anymore OP? as in, you are back in the A, or are you still considering ending things?

 

Back on...all in...someone had to end our obsession with Brian right?...

 

JK R3...whatever works for you and makes you happy...I'm glad all is good for now...only when u are ready to get off the ride will it stop...and when that day REALLY comes it will be truly liberating...not pain-free but liberating...

[96nole]

Yep. So what? It works for us.

 

Are you sure about that? If it was really working for you two, you wouldn't have started this thread.

[Realist3]

Are you sure about that? If it was really working for you two, you wouldn't have started this thread.

 

Two different issues. The cake eating worked just fine. It was how the A was being handled that was causing issues.

[Realist3]

JK R3...whatever works for you and makes you happy...I'm glad all is good for now...only when u are ready to get off the ride will it stop...and when that day REALLY comes it will be truly liberating...not pain-free but liberating...

 

Yes, this is true. In fact, I experienced that feeling of liberation and it felt great.

[Realist3]

erm... people have different ways of expressing their opinion.

 

This is most certainly true. If the person on the receiving end of that opinion finds their expression offensive; I don't see a problem stating so.

 

i believe all comments can be beneficial in their own way.

 

All comments have the potential to be beneficial; until they don't. I simply said that the comments were NOT beneficial to my particular situation as they did not seem to understand the dynamic, and invited him/her to keep them to themselves as they were not pertinent. Then because I pointed out they were off base I get called a jackass.

 

If you aren't furthering the discussion then there is little need to keep participating.

[Owl]

Realist, I may have misunderstood what occurred last week (or week before...it's been one of those months for me), but I thought I'd read a post that indicated that you and MOW had had an argument at the school, which apparantly brought this all "out in the open" at that location?

 

Any concerns about this getting back to her H? How does it change your plan of using the school as the "means" to avoid detection?

[Realist3]

Realist, I may have misunderstood what occurred last week (or week before...it's been one of those months for me), but I thought I'd read a post that indicated that you and MOW had had an argument at the school, which apparantly brought this all "out in the open" at that location?

 

Any concerns about this getting back to her H? How does it change your plan of using the school as the "means" to avoid detection?

 

It wasn't an argument at school, it was an impassioned discussion; which is something we would have never done there. Emotions were running high, and she didn't know if I would agree to meet her again.

 

No, the out in the open I was referring to was on here. She ended up reading this thread.

 

Not really concerned about her H finding out about that discussion at this point. It hasbeen almost two weeks and I have heard nothing from my ears/friends inside the school.

 

The school plans as means of subterfuge was eliminated after stricter security measures were put in place. Before you could walk in the front door freely and exit through the back or the side, and then re-enter from the back or side without detection. Now all of the back and side entrances are locked. But we have found that the parking lot beside the school still works just as well.

[Realist3]

The whole reason the school was used in the first place is because of the GPS on both her vehicle and phone. She could then call forward calls and texts to her 'cheater' iphone. Once the stricter security measures were announced I rooted her phone to see which app he was using. Then downloaded againto her phone so I could see what he was seeing, and it showed no significant difference of being inside the school or in the parking lot.