Not sure what I'm doing wrong

[broe]

I love my wife more than anything in the world. We have been together for 15 years and have an 11 year old daughter. She had 2 children from a previous marriage and I love them as much as my own. I have never looked at another woman nor have any inclination to do so. I feel like my wife is growing distant from me and I can't figure out what I've done to cause this.

In the last few years she has gone from talking to me to incredibly distant and cold. She tells me that she has no libido and that they need to make female viagra . She has friends and I have no problem with them except that she will not do anything with me. If I ask to go out she is tired or we don't hav ethe money. She goes out on "girls night out" and spends hours at the bar with them. I go to work and come home hoping to do something else. Recently I had an aquantance of hers tell me that her friend and her are meeting men at the club they go to. I don't believe it but apparently the rumor mill has strated this up. I trust my wife more than anything but was kind of floored by this statement.

I talked to my wife about the statement that was made and she wasn't upset with me but was furious that someone would say that about her. Her friend does have marital issues but that is her problem not my wifes.

The problem I have now is that my wife has become more distant and I appologized to the other woman for saying anything to my wife and not wanting them to go out to that club together and she told me that my wife had told her the whole story.

I'm not jealous but she says I act like I am "my body language" I'm very introverted so I get nervous in a public setting but I'm not jealous. I trust my wife but I don't know why she is distancing herself from me.

I love going out with my wife and would love to go to dinner and dancing. I can't dance very well but I would learn for her.

I don't even know why I am posting this. I'm guessing I want to see what other peoples experiences are and what I can do to get the love of my life back to me.

[eleanorrigby]

I'd be very suspicious of her based on what you have put in your post. It's time to calm down, step back, and start watching her. Pretend it's not your wife, and observe everything she says and does.

 

Don't try to make any changes yet, or stop any behavior. If she wants to go out, don't stop it. If you normally grumble a bit when she goes out, keep doing that. Don't change your behavior. Right now just be the unemotional observer. (I know easier said then done, but it is doable) Don't give her any indication that she's being watched or that you are wondering about her.

 

Start keeping notes of what she says and does. (don't let her see or know of any of this).

Edited February 6, 2013 by eleanorrigby

[broe]

I always ask her what she is up to. I'm not trying to come across as jealous when I do this. I feel like I'm the one at fault and the bad guy here but when I ask what I'm doing wrong she just says she will tell me from now on when I do something wrong. I just want to be back like it was when we could go out have fun and loved each other like no other. I have gone on the girls night out late because she needs a ride home but she just seems to not want me there, Just a ride home.

[moomin]

Good luck buddy, I go with the first commentator, step away. If nothing had changed I wouldnt suggest the following - follow her and see for yourself. She may be just enjoying the male attention but at the same time she has to treat you rite broe

[Ninja'sHusband]

I would also be VERY suspicious. But don't confront her any more, you need proof, and if you find it you don't necessarily give it to her, cause then she gets "smarter" and goes even further underground. Sudden rage is a common reaction to getting caught. It's hard to not reveal your sources though, because then they never own up...but if you have proof and they still don't own up. Why do you even want to be there? I wished I had not revealed my sources. I was going off advice that that was the only way I'd get the truth from her. That's not the way to get truth from her though...hearing what you already knew and nothing else.

 

As for the dancing, you don't need to be a better dancer, you just need to loosen up. The woman I eventually married was initially attracted to me based on two things I think: 1) I played lead guitar in a band ^^ 2) I was the craziest dancer of all our friends who would go to the clubs...trust me...*I have no idea how to dance*. People used to think I was on acid, wasted, stoned, something, but I was the most sober person in the club probably.

 

But, dancing aside, the more important advice was the first bit I said. Your lack of confidence (confidence is what women are actually interested in, not dancing skills) is no excuse for her to go running around with other men creating fantasies in her head that real life can't match up to. The fact that someone came to you and straight up warned you is a huge massive burning red flag. People don't do that kind of thing lightly, they will often quake in fear and betray you by hiding things from you. Whoever told you is probably your REAL friend and should be highly respected for their bravery and honesty. You need to realize how serious this is and get your ducks in a row. It's a terrible thing to come to grips with, I'm sorry for the pain you are going through and will go through I would look for the truth. Look at those phone bills, emails, others will suggest voice activated recorders, GPS units, private investigators. All I needed was facebook, a search through her car, and the phone bill. Oh..and when she got pregnant and miscarried, that was kind of a big sign too...don't let it get that far.

Edited February 7, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband