After that kick - I am checking for all my teeth

[Fallen Petals]

Thank you CIH, Pierre, Got It...

 

I am sincere. I mean, I cannot change how I feel about him, I am still hurting and still have feelings for him, but as I said, there's not way to twist this over in my brain that tells me I didn't do something very wrong to this woman.

 

I'm usually pretty quick to feel guilt or shame over things I have done...this doesn't seem to be an exception. I feel awful for what this ordeal has likely put her though. The state of their marriage doesn't really matter, whether it was good or bad before he met me...if it was bad, there are other ways to find out you have problems besides "Oh honey, btw, I fell in love with someone else so I am leaving you now". And I honestly don't know what happened on dday - I didn't ask for details on her reaction and he didn't really give them. He just said she wasn't angry and didn't yell as he'd expected. He did say that he told her he loved me, and since she was next to him reading our entire conversation, I have to believe that it true. He was truly expecting her to end things, I think, and so in my mind the alternative to the anger response would be pain and crying. Or worse, begging. At best, just calm and level headed. I don't know...I won't ask, it's between them. All I know is that she HAS to hate me for the part I played in all of it, and that's fine. She can hate me, and should, clearly...but I feel as though I should acknowledge that I'm aware of the role I played in all of it and apologize...I mean, in the long run, anger and hate hurt the person holding on to them rather than the person they're directed to. Especially considering I'll be out of their lives and unaware of her feelings. I'd hate for her to have even more reason to dislike me by thinking not only did I do this to her but that I don't even care that I hurt her...

 

As for the letter...I have been thinking over in my head what to write. I read what you wrote CIH and it is some variation of that. When I have it clearer I'll punch it up on here to make sure it can't be taken out of context or misconstrued.

[ComingInHot]

Fallen Petals;

I was just responding to Got it's question of me is all*

 

I was just imagining an actual sincere apology & that was it. I don't want to hear about the "buts" or about who or hat & how she is and I really don't want to hear her say how love was involved or how she does/doesn't regret the A. Just an I'm sorry for hurting you as another human being ...

 

I think an apology like that would set the stage should MM & OW end up together. (Should kids be involved)

 

But then again, there are a quite a few of us BW's who don't seem to be like others that I've heard stories about.

[Fallen Petals]

Thank you CIH - he and I won't be ending up together, nor do I want any communication I have with her to imply I hold out any hopes in that regard. The more I think about the things, the more I am able to see that a long term relationship with him wouldn't have been a great idea even if he'd been single... As much as this hurts, I have a great deal to learn before using some rebound relationship as a band aid for the loneliness... And more than anything, I should be above this type of behavior if I do eventually want a healthy, stable relationship...

[Fallen Petals]

Should I mail a handwritten letter to her home, send her a note on the dreaded Facebook...or attempt some other method to get in touch with her?

[stevie_23]

Can I just butt in a bit here and ask what you’d think of the letter I sent to my ex-MM’s wife? I sent it about a month ago. She never replied. I don’t even know if she read it, but I assume she did.

 

Dear (wife’s name),

I'm writing to you to apologise deeply for how my actions and (ex’MM’s name) have hurt you and your relationship / marriage with him.

We of course have never met, but you emailed me several months back in response to what you found out about our online interactions and to tell me to leave you both alone.

I can only imagine what you must have gone through because of me, and again, I am so deeply sorry for the pain and stress this has caused.

I am also writing to assure you that (ex-MM) is not interested in me anymore. He has not spoken to me or initiated contact in any way at all for quite some time now. This has been very hard on me as although I think he has now finally realised that our relationship was a fantasy in his mind, for me it was very real.

I don't know if you will be able to trust him again, but I wanted to let you know that you don't have to worry or wonder anymore about him still talking to me.

Again, I am sorry. I wish you both the best for your future together.

[Catplates]

Umm, how do you love someone without being at least in an EA? If you didn't cross any boundaries how on earth did you fall in love. Sorry I smell some BS here.

 

And like you stated before, even a 18 year old is an adult and should know better so you at 22 y.o really should have known better.

 

Really? Disliked his spouse but idolized him. Sounds familiar to the OW you bash on here constantly.

 

It seems some can talk the walk but can't walk the walk. How . . . . expected and trite.

 

It is all slowly being revealed....

[Got it]

Whether the apology is seen as genuine or not is a moot point. If FP is sincere that is all that matters.

 

Pierre, I wasn't asking that. I was asking CIH what would she see as the perfect apology letter. And because many would still doubt it, is there really one that can be conveyed. Because, the argument for the letters is to give remorse to the BS but if it is only viewed as self serving then what is the point?

 

And that is really a question for BS more so since they have been through the experience. No offense.

[Survivor12]

Can I just butt in a bit here and ask what you’d think of the letter I sent to my ex-MM’s wife? I sent it about a month ago. She never replied. I don’t even know if she read it, but I assume she did.

 

Dear (wife’s name),

(1)I'm writing to you to apologise deeply for how my actions and (ex’MM’s name) have hurt you and your relationship / marriage with him.

We of course have never met, but you emailed me several months back in response to what you found out about our online interactions and to tell me to leave you both alone.

(2) I can only imagine what you must have gone through because of me, and again, I am so deeply sorry for the pain and stress this has caused.

(3) I am also writing to assure you that (ex-MM) is not interested in me anymore. He has not spoken to me or initiated contact in any way at all for quite some time now. This has been very hard on me as although I think he has now finally realised that our relationship was a fantasy in his mind, for me it was very real.

(4) I don't know if you will be able to trust him again, but I wanted to let you know that you don't have to worry or wonder anymore about him still talking to me.

(5) Again, I am sorry. I wish you both the best for your future together.

 

 

To be perfectly honest, if I were the BS and received this letter, I would be furious. Even though you may have meant well sending it, I find speaking for and talking about her H to be rather offensive. Specifically...

 

(Worded from her pov)

 

(1) It is not her place to apologize for MY H!

 

(2) How dare she presume that she can imagine how I am feeling! If she had, she wouldn't have become involved with him.

 

(3) So she thinks that she knows my H more than me? I don't care what she thinks & I don't need or want her assurances--and I certainly don't give a damn how hard this is on her! Does she really think that I should feel sorry for her?

 

(4) Am I supposed to thank her for that? Who does she think she is?

 

(5) Yeah, right. I suppose she has a bridge she wants to sell me, too. She can take her good wishes and....

 

My advice for an OW choosing to apologize to a BS....do not mention or refer to the WS, details of the affair or offer any explanation unless requested by the BS.

[Got it]

Got it;

VERY good question. Let me think, my perfect apology letter from a woman who slept w/my. husband...

 

Dear CIH,

IT is w/the revelation of what my actions were that I write this letter. No amount of excuses can excuse the pain of what I've done to you and your family. I have looked inward and own my part in causing you pain.

I cannot expect your forgiveness but I must for myself & hopefully in time for you offer my deepest apologies for causing you and your family pain.

There is SO much I wish I could tell you, share w/you but this is not about me and my perspective. It is about what I've done to cause you such great pain.

You will Not hear from me again. I know I cannot change the present & ease your suffering but I hope, in my absence, you heal.

Again, I am Sorry,

OW

 

Thank you CIH, I appreciate your posting.

[Got it]

To be perfectly honest, if I were the BS and received this letter, I would be furious. Even though you may have meant well sending it, I find speaking for and talking about her H to be rather offensive. Specifically...

 

(Worded from her pov)

 

(1) It is not her place to apologize for MY H!

 

(2) How dare she presume that she can imagine how I am feeling! If she had, she wouldn't have become involved with him.

 

(3) So she thinks that she knows my H more than me? I don't care what she thinks & I don't need or want her assurances--and I certainly don't give a damn how hard this is on her! Does she really think that I should feel sorry for her?

 

(4) Am I supposed to thank her for that? Who does she think she is?

 

(5) Yeah, right. I suppose she has a bridge she wants to sell me, too. She can take her good wishes and....

 

My advice for an OW choosing to apologize to a BS....do not mention or refer to the WS, details of the affair or offer any explanation unless requested by the BS.

 

This is more of the crux I was referring to. I don't think Survivor's interpretation is wrong, I don't think any interpretation is "wrong" but it is just really hard to be able to write an apology letter that doesn't still look to be all about "me". Because if as the OP, you are trying to make some amount of amends towards this person, you as a person who has no investment in that person or vice versa what can be said or do to actually amend things? They have a vested interested in their spouse, they are interaction with them, there are things they can do because there is a desire to do so. As the OP, other than disappearing what on earth can you say to say I am sorry and not look like even scummier for even thinking your words are anything but nails on a chalkboard?

 

Again, this is directed towards BS from your experience. Thank you.

[Pierre]

Pierre, I wasn't asking that. I was asking CIH what would she see as the perfect apology letter. And because many would still doubt it, is there really one that can be conveyed. Because, the argument for the letters is to give remorse to the BS but if it is only viewed as self serving then what is the point?

 

And that is really a question for BS more so since they have been through the experience. No offense.

 

You have a point, but ultimately the benefit of the apology is for the person doing the apology. That in itself is better than rationalizing the act and ignoring the pain in others. It makes the OW a much better human being.

[Got it]

You have a point, but ultimately the benefit of the apology is for the person doing the apology. That in itself is better than rationalizing the act and ignoring the pain in others. It makes the OW a much better human being.

 

Pierre, the question was for the people who have actually lived this. Who understand better than you the pain and can speak from their experience. You can opine all day long on it just like many others but at the end of the day you are guessing.

 

Let's let those that have walked the path speak. Thank you.

[Fallen Petals]

Ok. I will now take the backlash for the one last tendril of connection that I did not sever. Facebook. Yeah, I hate it too. Actually, tbh I had forgotten he was on there as he never ever posted, but on Friday he started posting. So I had synced my phone to his calendar and severed that on Friday. We wound up having a short conversation and that was when he told me he'd been following me on FB since dday a few days earlier. He said "we" will be deleting you off of there tonight...so I figured ya know what - I deleted him everywhere, I'll let him be the man and do this one. Then Friday night he started posting, first it was about how why couldn't life be simple...then the following day he posted that he had some much needed clarity from conversations from specific people and had a clear path, that he was fighting in a war and may God watch over the casualties of the war. I assumed I was a casualty. The following day he posted a picture of the puppy he was always sending me pictures of who I thought was so adorable. Then yesterday he posted that he'd gone to the hospital with a health issue, that he was going to need to see a specialist and likely need surgery.

 

I was not actively looking on his page, but noticed these things popping up on my feed. I didn't respond - except last night I sent a quick note saying "please take care" and that was it. Obviously I cannot just turn it off. Up until that last post I was actually getting irritated - but the last post made me concerned for him. I want so badly to turn it off, to not feel anything for him...

 

Anyways, he responded to my note saying it was inevitable and he'd be ok but needed to see a specialist and have surgery or the problem would progress and get worse.

 

So, today, I was toying around with what to say to his wife, thinking of what to write to her. Thinking if he doesn't delete me from FB I need to at least put him in a group where we don't see one anothers posts, and thinking I likely need to get over wanting to know about his health. And then bam - the phone rings. I thought it might be him, but wasn't certain....picked up and sure enough - it was him. So he says they just had their first counselling session and he just wanted to call to tell me personally that he'd be deleting me from Facebook. I responded that I was shocked he hadn't already and he said he hadn't liked the way he'd told me via IM (he told me on the phone, but since his W was sitting right there maybe she didn't know we spoke Friday so he was covering his bases????) that he was going to do it and wanted to say it to me instead, give me a warning. He then said he thought I'd like further explanation on his medical situation and then explained things to me that way. I remained professional in tone with him...I care about him but I am completely aware of how detrimental our relationship was now and don't want him thinking I have any hopes or anything there. I also don't want him to think I am sitting around pining for him or anything of the sort. So that was the last connection we had - and he's deleted me already, which is good.

 

So I did tell him I'll be contacting his wife to apologize. At first he was like...what? Huh? But I explained I wasn't going to talk about us or myself or anything of the sort - that wasn't the nature of the note, but that I have gone through some of my own motions and I owe her an apology for the damage I have been a party to. So he said if she has a way to get ahold of me then maybe that's how I'll get my update after his surgery. So I guess I'll do it via Facebook. You know...I like FB for keeping in touch with some people, and I don't have anybody I don't know personally on my list...but there are so many things I hate about it...lol...I kinda hate that it's how I am going to contact her. But it's the only way I can leave her a way to get ahold of me should she so choose. I also told him that if I never hear about his surgery that's fine too - that it's up to her now if I ever receive another update about him or his life.

 

So that's my setback for the day. I guess I draft up that letter to her...not sure if I should send it today though or put it up for y'all to read and pick apart...LOL

 

I can become better than all of this, can't I? There's really no part of this that doesn't hurt.

Edited February 13, 2013 by Fallen Petals

[Fallen Petals]

We won't be communicating again. As I told him, and I meant it, if I am ever updated about him it is entirely up to her at this point. When he called me she was sitting next to him.

[Survivor12]

Before you apologize to her, you need to BLOCK him on FB and take the initiative to remove him from your life completely. This includes keeping tabs on his medical problems. Until you do, an apology is just more deception. Remember, you are not responsible for his part in the affair--only for your own. By the same token, you--not HE--are responsible for staying out of his--and their--lives. Keeping tabs on him on FB is keeping a foot in the door.

 

I understand that you are concerned about his health, but if you are sincere about leaving him alone, you will have to get used to not knowing. I mean, next month or a year from now, he could fall ill and you may never know. If you are truly done, tomorrow is no different. I'm sure that hurts, but it's the way it is.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Survivor12

[stevie_23]

My main purposes in sending that letter to my ex-MM’s wife was to

 

• Try to let her know that she didn’t have to worry and wonder anymore. Their first D-day was mid 2011. She thought it was over then, but obviously it wasn’t. The second D-day was late 2011. Again, we were not over. The third D-day was September 2012. She wrote to me herself and told me their marriage would not be ruined by a “fantasy wife” (me) and to please leave them alone. The last D-day was December 2012. So all that time, she would have been wondering, worrying, checking, and either assuming or denying that her husband was still in contact with me. And so now I wanted to tell her (and of course, she probably didn’t believe me) that it really was over and there was no need for her to continue on as she had been for the past almost 2 years, not knowing if he was still talking to me or not.
  

• Apologise, but this was my secondary purpose, as it’s about me and not her as much. The above intention was the main reason for writing, to try in the only way I could to put her at some sort of ease in her own life. ANY sort of apology is obviously coming from the person involved (me) and thus will most likely provide no comfort or empathy or anything because it can only be about that person (me).
  

I only mentioned how it was difficult for me (and of course I don’t expect her to care about that at all) so (a) she would know there were feelings involved (this may be easier than her husband and the OW just having some careless fling that means nothing over the past 2 years. Like, she might have thought their marriage meant even LESS than a “fling” to him?) and (b) he had told me previously she thought he was living in a fantasy world with regard to his feelings for me, and so I kind of reiterated that so she would maybe feel…I don’t know. She seemed to find that easiest to believe before (and a lot of it is true as well) so…it may help her now, in a small way.

[Journee]

OP you are a very different woman than the OW in my situation so I hope what I am about to say some how helps. The OW in my situation and I met in person to talk and "confront" my husband. She was completely dramatic and had the nerve to compare her almost 8 weeks of even knowing he existed, to our two children and almost ten years of loving him. I was mortified at her focusing on herself and how she was the victim. Even though she was sleeping with three OTHER men. She rambled and went off topic like we were old friends. I had to bring her back on topic several times. You know, the fact she had been sleeping with my husand. She never really apologized. I honestly didn't need it. The first thing I asked her were her intentions. Was she still interested in my husband after meeting his six month pregnant wife? I just wanted to know what to be prepared for.

 

I know I could have lived without her trying to "bond" with me. We had/have nothing in common aside from the disgusting situation my H put us in. So I suggest keeping it short. No mentions of how you or he felt for one another. As this comes.from your perspective and likely will not be something that will help her heal.

 

I am not a fan of the apology letter in these cases but some BS really do appreciate it and it helps them. Maybe his wife would be receptive. Maybe not. This also may be just therapeutic for you.

 

I know this is all very difficult for you as well. I probably didn't tell you anything you didn't already know. Again I'm not a fan of the apology letter but this is just me. I would have felt patronized and I'm honestly just glad she disappeared. I didn't need a tangible communication to remind me of her.

 

I hope you are able to heal I time.

 

Good luck.

[Lillyfree]

i'm not a fan of telling the BS or apology letters, my opinion is that you should just let things go completely. the only interaction i would have with a BS would be if they contacted me first, in which case yes, i would apologise.

 

otherwise i think just bow out and leave them to it. apologise to her in your head (which seems you have already) and move on.

[Fallen Petals]

Since I told him I was going to send the letter of apology, I kinda felt like I painted myself into the corner of having to do it...and hopefully she just reads it and it does some tiny amount of good. If nothing else...I tried?? I made a new thread for it...

HERE

 

Anyhow, if you care to glance at it, great, if not...that's fine too. I have so much work to do on myself I feel buried under my self loathing at the moment...

[Got it]

(((((Fallen Petals)))))))