X-post: Pursuing an older man...

[vanhalenfan]

I don't even know where to begin with this! I guess I'll just dive right in and see where it takes me....

 

So let's start with a quick background before I get into the topic...

 

I am 29 years old, in an awful marriage that I am in the process of getting out of. There are kids involved, 5 year old twins. It's a twisted situation and I am having trouble "pulling the trigger", so to speak, and getting the divorce underway. It has only to do with the kids. He is from another country and has made it clear that if I were to divorce him, he would leave and never return to see the kids or pay child support. It's not the child support I care about; the kids do love him very much and I would just die if I had to face telling them he will never come back and that they will never see him again. He has me over a barrel...Basically blackmailed. So I am having a lot of trouble just getting past that and moving on with my life.

 

Very recently I have been interested in another man, an older man. I am going to call him "C". He is 52 years old. Though, I must say he certainly does not look his age in the least bit. Not that that even matters. The bottom line is I am 29 and he is 52.

 

I've known him since I was 16 years old....because he is a family friend and our landscaper. I never looked twice at him until last year for a brief moment in time. I let it go and didn't foster feelings. However, it started again in November 2012. The season was over at the end of November, so I haven't seen him since then. He had no idea how I felt and I did not even show any interest outwardly at all. I didn't want to at the time and thought I should just leave it alone and that maybe the feeling will go away...

 

Well, since he's been "gone" (off-season) I just couldn't stop thinking about him. For months I've been wanting to reach out to him, find some excuse to call him. I didn't want to wait for the Spring. I am normally a bit shy with men I am interested in (at first), but something about him makes me a bit more confident in myself. He himself is a very outgoing and confident person and it really bleeds through to me. It's one of the attractive qualities about him that makes me want to pursue him (among other things). So....I somehow mustered up the confidence to call him today with a simple excuse (question) that I knew would open up a conversation. He loves to talk and is VERY open so I knew once I got past the question I had, I would be "in" and conversation would flow easily. And boy was I ever right! We spoke for over an hour about a lot of things. I was so comfortable with him that I opened up to him about my broken marriage and he was really very helpful. He also told me about his breakup with his girlfriend a month ago....I mean, explicit details from both of us. I do know he is very open about things so I am not looking into it too much on his end...I don't know how much stock to put into it, really.

 

I do want to say that unfortunately, I feel like he is looking at me from a father/daughter perspective because he was friends with my dad when he was alive (he died 4.5 years ago from cancer). He's a little younger than my dad, but not by much. And, no I don't have some kind of daddy complex No, no...Though I feel I may have given him that impression because at one point (or several points) I was saying how much I missed my father because of his advice and that if he were alive, he would have pulled me from this situation already....And I spoke about how close I was to my father, how we did everything together, etc. I didn't mean to get so explicit about that, it just came out because he was also saying how he missed him as a friend, etc. and how great of a person he was.

 

I want to get into some details of the conversation to see what people may think about it...Going back to talking about my father and saying how he would have pulled me from this marriage and helped me do so, C said that I can look at him the same way and that he would help pull me out. He said I could talk to him about it whenever I wanted to and he would help me. This is where I get that father/daughter perspective from. Does it sound that way to you? He gave great advice and I really opened up and told him really personal things about the issues at hand. C was angry about what was going on...You see, he is a great family friend and kind of has that protective quality about him. But I am unsure of how to read into that...

 

We were flip-flopping back and forth between his ex-girlfriend issues and my husband issues. He seems very crushed over the break up, but excited about the future. However, he was saying he wants to be a free man now and doesn't want another relationship. Well, one second he was saying that and then it seemed like he was giving me mixed signals...I was confused. He told me ALL of the details of the break up. It was brutal. He went on and on about how it was when they met - and it was the same situation I am in now. She was still married, he "helped" her get out of the marriage, etc. etc. you know where I am going with this. He said he wouldn't do that again and that it had to be done the right way, then he used me as an example - saying that "pretend he got involved with me", I would have to be divorced already. I don't know where that came from...What does it mean, that he said that? Well, that was part of it...He was talking about how he doesn't do the adultery/cheating thing and that there would be no trust in me if he were to be involved with me and I were still married...I know he was just making an example, but I am confused at where he was going with that....? Thoughts?

 

The conversation in general was great, we laughed a lot, he is very easy to talk to. There were just some things he said that made me scratch my head...wondering if he is interested in something more. Another one was where he was asking me my age....The way he asked it, he wanted specifics of "when I was turning 30", like it was some magical number. I don't know if he was justifying making these feelings okay...I don't know. Or if I am looking into it too much! I was trying to be subtle about my feelings, but I was definitely flirting some. I had to make it at least somewhat known I was interested in him, right? I want to take it very slow though since he's a family friend I've known for years and not being sure of how he feels about the age difference. I think he is hesitant about it for sure. I think he knows my interest is piqued in him. It's hard to tell.

 

He also mentioned that I am very pretty girl, but I am wondering if he was just saying that to give me a confidence boost. I am so confused! After being married for 8 years, I never thought I would have to go through this again. I hate dealing with men and deciphering meanings to words. I do not miss this at all!

 

Sex came up A LOT in the conversation. And I do mean a lot. Nothing specific like him and me of course, but relating to relationships in general. Valentine's Day came up and he said he was sorry I was spending it alone.

 

I don't want to scare him away, but I want to press on a bit and see where this goes. I am definitely afraid of getting hurt. We're both caught up in messy relationship situations and perhaps the timing just isn't right right now. But I still want to at least keep the ball rolling along...somehow...without getting too involved at the the same time. Maybe that's impossible for me. I am known to get caught up easily. And I still don't know how he feels about the age difference. Like I said, I think he's hesitant. He also respects my deceased father a lot, so that may play a huge role in how this pans out. Yes, it's pretty obvious this has the potential to get very messy and embarrassing if I reach out and crash and burn. I'm sure he'd be good about it and laugh it off and I would too, but I really wish something could come of this eventually...

 

Anyway, do you think (based on what I've said) that he can possibly be a little interested in me? Or is he looking at me from a protective stance and nothing more? Ugh, one thing he said really killed it at one point - he used the word "kiddo"...cringe...I don't know what he meant by that exactly, either. And I hope it's not the way I am thinking it...

 

I don't know. It was a strange conversation with plenty of mixed signals flying around. I loved talking to him though and want to find another reason to call him...I don't want to wait until April to talk to him again...I do actually have a good reason to call him again that I thought of, a fundraising/sponsoring thing that I can ask if he wants to be a part of for my kids' school...To promote his business. So I can ask him about that and see where the conversation goes again. I just don't want it to be so damn obvious or look desperate. Although he did tell me I can talk to him about the marriage situation whenever. So does that mean I can just call him about that if I wanted to? Ugh, I just feel like I am so out of practice and out of my league here. I don't know how to pursue an older man or if this is even worth it because of the circumstances. HELP PLEASE!!

[Juicy Fruit]

Leave him alone. He is too old for you. Don't date or pursue anyone right now, just focus on getting your current relationship resolved first.

 

Your husband saying he will leave the country may just be a bluff.