reachingskywards Posted August 28, 2004 Share Posted August 28, 2004 How to get a married man out of your life…. I’ve been very lucky in getting my MM out of my life – for good. It was a bit of a struggle at times but I want to share with you all some o fthe things that I think really helped me. 1) Fistly I had to decide that there was no way that this thing was going to work out. I did this by thinking about the reasons why it wasn’t going to work out. Instead of focusing on his positive attributes of our relationship (and htere was a connection there) I focused on the negative ones. It wasn’t hard to find a few. I also questioned myself as to whether I would really trust him after what he was doing with his wife. I observed him with his friends and how he treated them. I questioned myself as to whether the ‘fantasy’ I had would ever be able to turn into reality. From what I could work out, he and his wife had a very codependent relationship and I questioned myself as to whether he was really up to having a healthy honest relationship. I just about used every negative thing and kept reminding me other these things. I also looked deep inside of myself to try to work out what to do. 2) Second – I stared to become very honest as to what was acceptable to me and what wasn’t. I told him exactly what I wanted out of a relationship and that I wanted to have a family etc. From his lack of response I determined that he wasn’t ready, willing or able to participate in that. I kept dreaming about what I really wanted from a relationship over and over so I wouldn’t forget and reminding myself that he wasn’t going to be ‘the one’. I also told myself all of the reasons why I deserved to be in a decent relationship -- just to remind myself. 3) I read a few books on intimacy and etc etc.. and one especialy called 'how to loose your addiction to a person'. Now -- this is the most important part… 3) We broke up a couple of times. After we broke up for the second time I was really struggling with the whole situation. He kept ringing me up to see me ‘as friends’ or to just talk. He rang me up to 5 times a day and I felt incapable of saying no. Even though we were not sleeping together I felt we were just as emotionally involved as ever before and that I was still unable to move on away from him in any way. Sometimes I would tell him that I didn’t want to see him… and the next thing you knew we were together even more than before. It was then that I realized that ‘whatever we pay attention to grows stronger in our lives’. The more I thought about and struggled with him, the more deeply embedded he would continue to become in my life. From here it was almost downhill. I decided to not struggle with it. If I saw him, rather than beating myself up, I would just let it go. A girlfriend said that the situation is like – if you’re on a diet and then have a piece of cake, so what ??? Just move on and get back on the diet the next day. I gradually cut down my availability to see or speak to him. I decided to make some goals – and get a life. I started going back to the gym and thinking about a business idea I had. I even got myself a life coach for a while. All of a sudden there was too much happening in my life to give him any space and I didn’t really care, I had other things I wanted to do…At that point he very quickly faded away…. I am now single and loving it. I am posting this in the hope it might be helpful to someone…. God bless eveyrone that is going through this… I hope you all find your own light. Sky Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 That is wonderful. But how did you get over the yearning for him? I know I need to move on but i still want to touch,kiss, and love on him. What can I do to get over that? Why is he not struggle with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Kizzyfur Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 I tried that and he filed for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 Originally posted by Kizzyfur I tried that and he filed for divorce. Kizzy - which part specifically did you try? What's the status of your relationship now? Link to post Share on other sites
Kizzyfur Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 At different points in our relationship I had done all of what was described. Not necessarily in the order posted. 1) I've always been honest with him about what I want in a relationship. He's always been willing to do what he could for me. Figured out that's how he shows he cares. He's even discussed marriage and kids with me (the one's he has as well as giving me one of my own). Me being the impatient person that I am though, after only being together a couple months it started getting to me that there wasn't anything going on toward them getting divorced. At least so I thought. 2) That started me thinking about reasons I should give up on the relationship. Figured he was just using me so he could have his cake and eat it too. But at the same time his wife was getting worse in the way she treated him. I received an email from his mother b*tching me out for playing them against one another (which I wasn't doing by the way). I also found out that when he did try to move out, W threatened that he would never see his kids again. And while he was out of state, she even went and got his belongings from where he had taken them. So I knew things weren't going great on the "homefront" and was lenient for awhile longer. 3) However, I did eventually break it off with him. No matter how bad things were getting on the "homefront" all he had to do is go down and file for a divorce. I told him that he could call me if/when he'd filed and we'd go from there if I was still available. Well, he IMed me probably a week after I broke it off with him. Wanted to tell me how that night, on his way home, he realized just how much he was losing... blah blah, yadda yadda. We talked for awhile and I told him again that he needed to at least file before I would be with him. Well, 9 months after he told his wife he wanted a divorce, he finally filed. We're still kinda rocky. He's trying to get his kids in the divorce so he's still trying to keep knowledge of me under wraps. However, it's only with her and his mom (cause his mom talks a lot). Everyone else in his family and all his friends and co-workers know about me. His brother even made a comment about how he's so much happier since we hooked up. I've met most of his friends/family personally. Even the one's "back home". They all say he's done a lot better this time around. He's just trying to keep her from getting so p*ssed off that she decides to fight him just to hurt him. She's moved out and left him with the kids. But she does still stop in at all hours to check up on him. To date, she has less than two months to send back a response to the papers she received. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 I gradually cut down my availability to see or speak to him. I decided to make some goals – and get a life. Great advice for all who are struggling to lose their addiction to a lover. I especially agree that to break the habits/spell/dependency one must do both: reduce exposure to the least bearable minimum and fill up your life with other projects, activities and friends. When you accomplish both the OW (or OM ) has at least a fighting chance to get out from under the heel of her or his addictive relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 29, 2004 Share Posted August 29, 2004 A good trick to break down a 'yearning' is to really wallow in it. Get a CD with the song that reminds you most of him (that makes you cry) Play it 30 times in a row until you are NAUSEATED. Sit with your pain and really meditate on it. Where do you hurt? Abdomen? Heart? Head? Sit and really feel the pain. Talk out loud to yourself; "God this feels awful. Oh god, this hurts, this really feels awful." But also notice the sweetness there is in real feeling, in SOMETHING real. Tell yourself, "This will pass. I can handle it. I can heal" Pain can actually be quite sweet when you realize it's your own. It's real. It's not a lie, it's truth. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. And then cry some more. Take a day off from work and say, "Today I'm just gonna cry all day. That's all I'm going to to do" Write down all the fantasies you ever held about your lover. Write down the life you imagined. Write down passionate conversations you imagined having together. Then take this (novel?) and burn it. Say to yourself, "I realize this is a fantasy. I now release this fantasy and am ready to move forward" Pay attention to your life. Pay exquisite attention to your own life experience. Slow down. What does coffee taste like? What does grass feel like on your bare feet? What does sun feel like when it burns into your face? Notice things. Slow down. Feel your own body in your own space, existing. Take an interest in that. Realize every emotion evolves....if you let yourself really feel. Every emotion, truly felt and experienced will give way to another emotion. Emotions evolve and take you to new places. Call a friend who's having a hard time and ask her to tell you her problems. Don't talk about yourself this time. Listen to her and give her some advice from the heart. Take matters into your own hands. Realize that your MM cannot be trusted to have such a large amount of your life at his disposal. He has proved himself untrustworthy. People who hurt you on a consistent basis should not be trusted with such a large portion of your life. Take your life back. Be responsible for your life. Do not be confused. You are not confused. You say you are confused when you don't want to make decisions. Take your life back. Realize the MM cannot be allowed to have such a large portion of your life at his disposal. He has proved himself untrustworthy. I repeat myself because repeating things helps us internalize them. Take everything he gave you, any photographs, any belongings of his and give them back. Remember: Wanting something doesn't give you the right to have it. Wanting something doesn't mean it will bring you happiness. Look for the bigger picture. The wanting is a symptom of something lacking in your life. You can fill that emptiness on your own. Once you learn this, you will not need to pursue people who are empty. You will naturally attract healthier people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reachingskywards Posted August 30, 2004 Author Share Posted August 30, 2004 Thanks Karlise so much... I really appreciate it. I've printed it off and will read it again and again a few times... Kylie Link to post Share on other sites
ICantStopLovinHim Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Boy if that aint the truth.... all of these things that have been said sound wonderfull like the perfect solution.....I think i need that book about getting over an addiction because that is what i feel like i have..actually I know it is.... He is on my mind every minute of every day.....the worst part? It's been TWO YEARS.....I moved on I found someone new I even had a baby 8 months ago...and none of this has lessoned how I feel about this man or how much I miss him....or worse yet how much I love him stilll. I don't know what to do. I feel so proud of my self when i go a month without contacting him. Then i feel myself get discouraged that he hadn't tried to contact me while I was doing the NO CONTACT.....and yep you guessed it I contact him and start all over again. Let me not forget that i have a boyfriend and he loves me very much but i feel I cannot give him my whole heart.....because a piece of it still belongs to someone else....... I am just a mess.....My MM wasnt married just "taken" but he is still with her evern though I heard it all about not loving her not sleeping with her blah blah blah we have all heard it all....... So tell me please how do I make my heart stop loving him....Because it just wont listen to me. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I've got three pieces of advice that might work too. #1) CUT #2) HIM #3) OFF !!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author reachingskywards Posted August 31, 2004 Author Share Posted August 31, 2004 Originally posted by ICantStopLovinHim Boy if that aint the truth.... I think i need that book about getting over an addiction because that is what i feel like i have..actually I know it is.... . Hey -- there is this great book called "How to break your addiction to a person" by Howard Halpern. I really recommend it and you would almost think I was a relative of the author the amount of times I've recommended it to people... it's great. Link to post Share on other sites
ICantStopLovinHim Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Thanks for the reccomendation but umm does it work? Because I am a hard core addict undfortunately I cannot breathe one breath without him on my mind......And how the hell i explain to my current B/F why I am reading that book? LOL that would be a good one huh? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Make your b/f think you're reading it because you're addicted to him. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Make your b/f think you're reading it because you're addicted to him. That's cold, tiki, but I like it! Link to post Share on other sites
1Yoyo Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Originally posted by reachingskywards Hey -- there is this great book called "How to break your addiction to a person" by Howard Halpern. I really recommend it and you would almost think I was a relative of the author the amount of times I've recommended it to people... it's great. I bought the book yesterday, I am determined to finish it. I too have it bad for my MM. With another hurricane on the way..I should have some quiet time to read! HaHa Yo Link to post Share on other sites
Nocturnalkitee Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Happy!!!!!!! and single is the best feeling in the world. Control yourself, do not let someone control you! Link to post Share on other sites
1Yoyo Posted September 13, 2004 Share Posted September 13, 2004 Originally posted by 1Yoyo I bought the book yesterday, I am determined to finish it. I too have it bad for my MM. With another hurricane on the way..I should have some quiet time to read! HaHa I haven't gotten too far in the book, loosing power and all. I have begun a new week and this week, I am choosing to not contact or be contacted by my MM. If I make it through the week, there is hope. I am starting to get involved in and do things that I have missed out on; instead of hanging out at home to be sure I was always here if and when he called. Kinda stinks sometimes. I am hopeful, I haven't cried yet!! Yo Link to post Share on other sites
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