Met a wonderful woman, trying to remove old baggage

[genuine_goals]

Cool forum. Lots of good advice here. I have a situation here that would be good for me to get advice on. it is kind of a first for me.

 

To start off with, I have been single approx. 8 mos. now although I have dated a decent amount during that time. Before that, I was in a serious relationship and my ex cheated (which devestated me for a bit). She was 19, I was 27 so I think that explains it all. We never even fought, we just had good times and she cheated lol. Well, I am not here to post about her. Rather, I just wanted to give any potential reader a brief background on my recent romantic history. I have moved on from her and I have been doing great things for myself. I rent a beautiful 3 bedroom house and have 2 vehicles paid for and I keep myself in good shape. Not trying to brag, but once again, more background on me. Oh, and I don't have any kids although I love 'em.

 

I met this girl apporximately 2 weeks ago. It was an immediate attraction. She works at a club and I was a patron there when we met. She is 22 and is physically (to me) gorgeous. There more I spend time with her, there more I think she is emotionally beautiful as well. Okay, so the first night we met, it was good conversation. She actually sat down with me and talked to me for a while. She got up, told me to stay put, and returned with her phone #. I didn't even ask her for it. So about 2 days later, I called her, and we talked on the phone for some time. She then revealed to me that she has a 3.5 year old boy. Not a prob, but we'll get back to that later.

 

A few days later I puposely made sure I made an appearance at this club again. She was there working. She came over to talk to me immediately. I tild her I was there to say hello to her basically. So we talked for a long time again. This time she was touching my arm etc, a good bit and her eye contact was almost too much. She asked me to stay until she got off work so I did. We decided (since it was late), that we should just chill at my house, so we did.

 

At my house, we talked for some time and she confessed how badly that she wanted to kiss me. Well, i am not one to deny a beautiful woman that so of course we did, and one thing led to another *cough, lol. Well right before that happened, we are discussing how excited we are to have met. She told me she hasn't been thios excited in 5 years lol!

 

So any way, she left earlier than morning (she does have a little boy) and we hugged goodbye. I am nearby the place she works so I left her a nice note on her car ( I didn't go in this time). It just said that I had a greeat time and I was looking forward to spending time with her. So, aa day passes and I call her. We talk on the phone for a while, but she seemed a little different to me on the phone. She started to tell my about her ex -

 

She was with him 5 years and he was very abusive to her. She sent him to jail once already and he just recently busted up her apartment badly. She has only been away from him for 3 or 4 weeks. She left him, and now rents a place by herself. He told her that if he could not have her, then he did not want either her OR HER SON. So she confessed that she was anxious and nervous about me meeting her son (which I totally understand, poor little guy) and the fact that this ex will come back and screw with her if he finds out "she me someone new". In adddition, she had cervical cancer and isn't sure she can have more children, and she is worried that it will be an issue for me. I told he it is not at all, the important thing for me is to find someone with compassion and whom I can communicate well with.

 

So, I basically told her that I understood and that the important thing is to remove her and her son away from that cycle of violence regardless of me. I also told her that it would be a travesty to let someone like hime come between the happiness we have found so far.

 

So I convinced her to let me meet her son. Just 2 days ago, she invited me to her condo for the day. The day went like this.....three three of us went swimming, to the park and then back to her place (she cooked for me!!). She has a very well behaved little boy. He is adorable. The condition of this date was that we could not have any touchy - feely in front of her son and I had no issue with that. Her son seemed to warm up to me through out the day. By the time I left, he was sittin on my lap watching cartoons. when i left, we hugged goodbye. her son was right there, lol.

 

On the drive back home I realized what beauty I just witnessed that day. All I could think about is the mental image of her swinging her son around in the park, chasing ducks, her beautiful hair and that smile on her face. I witnessed the love she has for her son and I think I fell in love with her that very moment. It made me realize what kind of person she is.

 

This girl has a crappy job, but nice place and has no car. Material things mean nothing to me, however I respect her very much for the sacrifices she has made. She works all the time right now, so we don't talk or meet up everyday.

 

I am just looking for some advice here from someone who has been there. I have never been serioulsy interested or dated someone with a child before. I think it is totally beautiful. I realize the barriers we may have to cross with her ex and her son. My intention is to hang around her long enough for her to see what kind of guy I am. I have never hit a woman and very rarely do I eeven raise my voice to my girlfirend even in an argument.

 

My instincts tell me to take it slow, but they also say she is AWESOME for me and tell me to hang in there for her. She dosen't seem to call me as much as I do her, but she is a lot busoer than I am, especiually since she is a mom.

She told me that once she gets a car she won't work as much.

 

A day has passed since that wonderful day now and I want to call her tomorrow....should I? She has Sunday off and I was gonna ask her to take a day trip to the beach or an amusement park with her son.

 

I feel like I hold back a bit around her too. Like, I would have brought her flowers if it wouldn't have been for her son. And I defiantely would have flirted more, but I held back!

 

Was her lack of affection around her son a sign of her losing interest or is it genuinely concern for her son?

 

Any advice is appreciated, and thanks for reading all this!!!!

[Guest]

You sound like a really decent bloke!

 

I would say most definitely she would have held back from showing you too much affection around her son and that it was not a sign of her losing interest.

 

I have not experienced the abuse that she has but I am a single mum and can really empathise with her. She sounds like a great woman who is trying to do the right thing for her son and doing a good job with him. It's not easy to raise a child on your own and have them be well behaved and good mannered around people outside of the family. It shows he has been given a lot of love and security. And this is something she will be desperate to continue to provide for him.

 

It is tricky in the early days when you meet a new man and there is sometimes a fine line to tread.

 

I'd say, give her the option to see you with or without her son for the next couple of dates. It's laudable of you to think that they come as a package and you are trying to show her that by inviting her son out too. However, she will want to feel that it is her that you are falling for and she will want to spend more private time getting to know you better. Of course, she may say she is happy for him to be there too. But dont take it badly if she says no once in a while. She will want to be sure about you in every sense before she lets you get too close to her son.

 

As for her not phoning as much as you do her, I wouldnt worry about that either :-)..it's a girl thing!! phone calls are ALWAYS much better when the bloke phones the girl...bizzare but true! And it does make us feel realy good when you do call us......(but not 10 times a day!:-)....it means you were thinking about us at that point in time and had to hear our voice!!!! yes I know its girlie but thats the way we see it.

 

Follow your instincts and take it slowly, and hang on in there, keep talking as openly and honestly as you have been and enjoy the wonderful experience of falling in love!

 

 

Finally, if you are out with her son and there is the "no overt touchy feely rule", you can still let her know that you fancy her and want her in lots of "secret" ways!!! It drives me wild when my current boyfriend catches my eye and gives me that look!! or manages to brush my behind!!! or even sneak a quick kiss when my son is looking the other way!!! believe me it builds the tension and desire!!!

 

Dont know if this will help, hope I have understood your question properly..but I wish you all the best!

[Girlie]

It sounds like you had a good time....so call. What have you got to lose?

As for her behavior around her son, as a single mother myself, it sounds like (from what you said anyway) that she is just trying to protect him. I think it's very classy of her not to get too touchy feely with a new man in front of her child. Remember: Mommy knows best. Respect her wishes around her child and I think you'll be fine.