Afraid of screwing my marriage up, but I dont know whats going on....

[youngnmarried82]

I know this may sound corny, but this is something that really really has been bothering me lately. I am 21 years old and have been married for a little over a year to my wonderful wife. But lately things havent been that great. It seemed right before our one year anniversary everything on earth fell apart on us. All we did over our anniversary vacation was argue over everything and anything from money, to friends, to spending time with one another. Since then I have tried to listen to my wife more and do some of the things that she mentions, but it still seems that we are constantly on and up and down rollercoaster.

 

As of late though things have become complicated. Before I met my wife and decided to settle down I dated a girl in college for nearly two years. The whole time we dated things were great, but ultimately in the end the pressure from our families to concentrate on school and the stress of our degrees forced us apart on less than good terms. A few months ago I decided to be the bigger of the two and email my ex to make up for it all and at least salvage a friendship. After talking to her and meeting her to catch up (with my wife knowing and being totally supportive) I began to remember why I fell in love with this girl in the first place. And now without the stress of college my ex and I get along better than ever. This would not have been a problem had my marriage problems not already been in place. With my unhappiness with all the fighting and constant games it seems my wife likes to play, I have found myself growing even more closer to my ex and have been considering divorce. A marriage therapist told my wife and I that we just needed to be more open to one another and listen and try harder to compromise, yet I do this and I still dont feel the closeness that I have with my ex now.

 

A divorce is the last thing that I want, seeing how I was kid who was forced to go through two of my fathers own divorces and know the pain it causes. I still love my wife to death, but with the way things have been going I find myself more attracted to my ex and have even begun flirtin and fantasizing about my ex more than my wife. I really dont know whats going on and just want some advice on what someone whos hopefully been in my same situation can offer. the last thing I want to do is hurt my wife and make a major mistake, as I still see marrying her as the best day of my life. Please help me out here any advice is more than welcome...

[TMCM]

A divorce is the last thing that I want, seeing how I was kid who was forced to go through two of my fathers own divorces and know the pain it causes.

 

Your actions prove otherwise.

 

I still love my wife to death

 

Do you? Then end all contact with your ex.

 

the last thing I want to do is hurt my wife and make a major mistake, as I still see marrying her as the best day of my life. Please help me out here any advice is more than welcome...

 

But the truth is you already HAVE hurt your W except that your facade as a faithful H has anesthetized her to the pain.

 

Stop deceiving yourself and face the fact that your actions are in total conflict with your words. It is time for you to say what you mean and mean what you say.

[Karlise13]

That's not meant as a snarky comment.

 

The fact is, people get married and over a period of time actually LEARN how to function as a married couple.

 

A friend of mine who's been married many years explained it to me that way; it's sort of like parenthood. If you've never had a baby or cared for a baby, you don't really know how to parent. When you have your own baby, you're suddenly thrust into this role of PARENT. Do you know what you're doing yet? Of course not. It's a learning process. Talking to other parents can help you through this learning process.

 

As with marriage. You are young, newly married and experiencing the normal 'stormy' periods that all relationships enter. Some people bail at the first sign of a 'stormy' period. They have the mistaken belief that if they were only with the 'right' person everything would be peaches and cream 24/7.

 

 

I agree with the posters above that you need to have closure with your ex.

 

Things are over between the two of you. If you had really had a mature, enduring love for each other....then school and 'family pressures' would not have seperated you two.

 

You are romanticising things because you are entering a difficult phase of marriage now.

 

It's easy to romanticize situations that are not real. It's always tempting to say 'If only...' or 'It was so great back then...'

 

Fact is, your ex is a human being just like your wife is a human being and if you had married your ex you two would have also had to endure some conflict too.

 

My suggestion is END it with this girl (ex). Let her move on with her life.

 

Go to counseling with your wife and work on your communication skills. You probably both need to learn how to compromise.

 

Marriage is NOT EASY.

Marriage is NOT A MOVIE.

Marriage is NOT CONSTANT BLISS.

 

All relationships require work. Weathering out the bad times helps you grow stronger and closer overall.

 

Good luck. Hang in there

[shortbus74]

Welcome to the Married Life!! The honeymoon is over...

 

If my future hubby contacted his ex-girlfriend or his ex-wife I would freak out and go mental on him (they are an ex for a reason.....keep that in mind..)

 

You married too young (20 when you tied the knot.....you are still finding out who you are and where you are going .... I remember when I was 21...Boy was I dumb...Now I am 30 and I am still trying figure out where I belong in this thing I call my life...... I went thru a divorce 2 years ago which I am still bitter about( I wanted to be like my grandparents and grow old with him and do the whole 60 year anniv... party....)But it was not meant to be, and now I am engaged to a wonderful yankee that challenges me and stands up to me... and most of all he loves me unconditionally.......

 

 

Talk to your mother about this matter.... MOMS KNOW EVERYTHING!!! **being serious when I say that** my mom know everything and she is the smartest person I know....

[youngnmarried82]

Well I really appreciate some of the advice given by you all, but as for talking to my mother I really cant do that. Seeing how after my dad and mom divorced she hasnt wanted to have anything to do with either one of us for over 10 years now.

 

I dont really feel like I am romanticizing things with my ex though. I still remember to this day some of the reasons why we broke up and ended contact. Its just and one of you were right, with things being stormy right now I guess things with the ex really do look better.

 

Now as for loving my wife. If I didnt love my wife to death, I would not be with her. Trust me, as much as I hate divorces, I also know that I would never stay with someone I didnt care about just to avoid a divorce. Thats not the way to live a life or to live a marriage. I would also like to know how my actions prove otherwise that I dont love my wife? So far all I have done is talk to my ex and go through counseling to try and help my marriage, and come here asking for advice. Now out of all of that I only see one thing that is wrong, and that would be the talkign to the ex. BUt its not as easy as most would like to think to just break off contact with someone whom you were and still are somewhat close to. That was one of the things I came seeking advice on.

 

I would also like to know how I have a facade of a faithful husband? I have never cheated on my wife, I was the one who recommended therapy when my wife just said things would get better over time. I was the one who started listening to more of what my wife said and tried doing to the little things that so many husbands forget about, the flowers, the cards, the surprise dates. If I hadnt tried any of these and we were still having these problems things would be different, but I have tried almost everything the therapist suggested, everything my dad suggested and everythign her mom even suggested and we still have these problems. That is why I came here seeking advice from others who have been through it.

 

Like I said I appreciate some of the advice, whereas I feel others just tried to judge on something they had no idea about. Thanks goes out to those of you who thought with an open mind and offered advice which I am going to look at using. Any other information you have and experiences you have went through would be great, so keep it coming

[amer]

You do not need any closure with the gal. You are married! That is closure enough.

 

Did you do the traditional marriage vows? Remember the part of "foresaking all others..."?

 

You do not need to stay friends with an ex girlfriend at all.

 

The only thing you can do with her is stir up trouble for you, her, and your wife.

 

Do you really believe your wife is "cool with it" that you have contacted another women?

 

You need to remove areas of conflict in your life, not introduce them to your life.

[TMCM]

BUt its not as easy as most would like to think to just break off contact with someone whom you were and still are somewhat close to. That was one of the things I came seeking advice on.

 

Nobody said it was going to be easy for if it was then you would have done so already, wouldn't you?

 

Beleive it or not, I am not judging YOU but I am definitely judging YOUR ACTIONS. The fact is that your powerful emotions for your ex have started to reignite proves that you are in what is called an EA [Emotional Affair].

 

This would not have been a problem had my marriage problems not already been in place. With my unhappiness with all the fighting and constant games it seems my wife likes to play, I have found myself growing even more closer to my ex and have been considering divorce.

 

You are using your marriage problems to justify your continued contact and attraction to your ex. Are you not yourself playing a dangerous game yourself by having contact with your ex?

 

A marriage therapist told my wife and I that we just needed to be more open to one another and listen and try harder to compromise, yet I do this and I still dont feel the closeness that I have with my ex now.

 

Why don't you go that same marriage therapist and explain to him/her what you have expressed to us here. Chances are he/she will tell you to stop all contact with your ex if you truly want to save your marriage.

 

I wish you the best.

[EnigmaXOXO]

YOU are the problem. Not your "ex" or your wife. It's your own inability to move on from your past and fully let go.

 

You're not into your marriage 100%, and I suspect if you've still been dwelling over your first love since you parted, you haven't really been totally immersed in your wife since the very start. You should have never gotten married in the first place. You settled because you figured it was the next best thing.

 

Now brace yourself for some well-meaning but harsh advice:

 

Grow the h*ll up!!

 

If you expect to keep this marriage afloat while you still have one foot stuck in your past, you are seriously deluding yourself. The fact that you even wanted to rekindle a "friendship" with you EX delivered a serious and probably fatal blow to your current relationship. Regardless if whether you want to fool yourself into believing that your wife was honestly "okay" with it. You wanted her to be okay with it, so you conveniently justified it. And someone's silence does not always mean consent.

 

What you have done is redirected your emotional intimacy from your marriage to your friendship. In essence, you have already replaced your wife as confidant and best friend and abandoned your marriage, even if not physically (yet).

 

Ya screwed up buddy!

 

Try to step outside of yourself and your own needs for just a moment and imagine what it might be like if the roles were reversed. Suppose it was your wife posting this story to the forum about her first love. How comfortable and secure about the future of your marriage might you be? Would all the flowers, cards and "I love yous" be enough to make you feel any better?...Or might they seem like phony gestures?

 

If you REALLY want to avoid a divorce and save your marriage, then give up the ex girlfriend and your nostalgic frat boy memories. You beg, grovel and plead for forgiveness and admit to your wife what an irresponsible child you have been. If your ego won't allow you to do that; if you are not yet ready to make some serious compromises of your own, and if you are still more intent in finding fault with your relationship rather then fault in your own behavior…then you are far too immature to maintain an adult relationship.

 

I won't apologize for my directness although I understand how much the truth sometimes stings. I'm not your mommy, so it's irrelevant to me whether or not your feathers have been ruffled. If you need a hug, go to her. Meanwhile, if you're really seeking some honest feedback, you've come to the right place. But whether or not you choose to listen is of no great consequence to any of the good folks here. The only thing of any real consequence is your marriage.

 

You decide.

[Sheba]

You must make a choice, and if the choice is your marriage, STAY AWAY from your ex! If it is your ex, show some respect to your wife and tell her so. Trust me, NEITHER one of these women "need" you on these terms.

 

You are obviously conflicted. Don't selfishly drag both these women through your ambivalence. Explore your feelings for each with a counsellor or trusted friend, if you need to, but put some pressure on yourself to make a determination. I suspect the other posters are right, things are difficult at home, and so you are idealizing the past.

 

You might find yourself without EITHER of them, if you continue on your present course. In fact, if you allow this to continue, I think many would agree that you do not "deserve" either one of them.

 

Quick, deal with this BEFORE you have children, please.

[TMCM]

EnigmaXOXO:

 

"You beg, grovel and plead for forgiveness and admit to your wife what an irresponsible child you have been."

 

 

While I agree with many of the things you said to youngnmarried82, I must strongly disagree with you on this particular point. Begging, groveling and pleading has seldom ever worked and it most cases it tends to bring the opposite desired effect.

 

 

youngnmarried82:

 

"Trust me, as much as I hate divorces, I also know that I would never stay with someone I didnt care about just to avoid a divorce. Thats not the way to live a life or to live a marriage".

 

And neither is allowing contact with your ex and reigniting the powerful emotions you had for her in the past.

 

If your marriage is to end then let it end after you did everything in your power to save it but your W was reluctant to do her part, and NOT because you got involved with another woman.

[Trager]

Have u ever thought that staying in contact with ur ex is putting ur marriage in jepordy? IT IS. as well as the fact that if u didnt have ur ex to compare this marriage to everything would seem a lot better and easyer. No i'm not saying marriage is easy, but its not about what u want, its about whats best for u and ur wife. Dont talk to ur ex anymore, and dont think or fantisize over her. THats dumb, its screwing yourself over. If u care about ur marriage than why the heck did u put this problem in it in the first place. U ever think ur the one unhappy with ur decision? not ur wife? Or do u just not like the idea of loving one person for the rest of ur life, divorce shouldnt even cross ur mind unless ur wifes cheated, and if children get envolved then screw your happyniss, its all about them. If u cant resolve this part of ur marriage and relationtip with ur ex PLEASE dont have kids.

[Karlise13]

you say you are faithful

 

but there is such a thing as an 'emotional affair' and yes it's CHEATING

[pedwin]

I read your posts and i thought!!!!

Here is another man wanting to screw another woman and using his wife and marriage as an excuse to walk on the side of infidelity!!!

 

There are always arguments and rough patches in every marriage. If you LOOK real hard in any marriage I'm sure anyone can find a reason they can use to cheat.

Your EX is your EX until you decide to make her your present. You are a man who wants his cake and eat it to.

If you don't want your wife anymore, let her go and find someone who is worthy of her. Don't use her as an excuse to be a slimeball.

If you want your marriage put all of your effort into making it wonderful AND LEAVE YOU EX ALONE!!!

 

pedwin