Can my marriage be saved! !

[roro1]

Me and my wife have been married for 9yrs,together 15,we married young she was 20,she has not been happy for several years, i hardned her heart by not being there for her emotionaly,and i always made her feel punished when i didnt get my way. she has so much recentment for me for this and feels like its my fault she missed out on so much (witch it is) i was just not a good husband in these ways,she says she feels like she missed out on so much of her younger years like prom and going out with friends,we are separated but still living in the same house,she told me she has no emotional,sexual,of physical attraction to me anymore.

she now has agreed to go to MC and we went yesterday,she said she was only there cause she feels like she owes it to our daughter,and for peace of mind that she is doing the right thing! if i try to hold her hand or text her little things this just makes her mad,i know what i did wrong and am working hard to change those things but now she wants no part of it! what can i do? anything? or is she too far gone?

[notbroken]

I've 'been there, done that'. Tough road. If you stay together, you may find yourself in a loveless marriage forever. That is very damaging to all concerned. Personally, I wish I would have divorced instead of trying to stay together for the kids and rekindle a cold heart. Wasn't worth it and was a miserable time. Find someone that loves you and wants to be with you. If you do stay together, insist on counselling for both you and her. Go yourself if she won't.

[Jstub]

The only thing you can do and should do is:

 

LET HER GO.

 

Do not try to reason with her, do not try to convince her. That will push her further and further away. TRUST ME ON THIS PLEASE.

 

Just tell her "I understand" and GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS. A SEPARATION / DIVORCE. That is the only way, you will stand a chance of getting her back. Go live your life, DO NOT WAIT for her.

 

Easier said than done, but this is the only way. Once a woman goes cold, any type of reasoning or "Oh i will change bla bla" will push her further and further away. I have been there and have done that!

[roro1]

she says she still loves me,but is not in love with me!,but sometimes she will make a comment that makes to think she is thinking about the future,like ( I just hope that when summertime gets here things will be back to somewhat normal) i may be reading to much into that cause its what i want! im just lost! she doesnt really want people to know that this is going on either! she has alot of resentment (alot) towards me! cause im all she has ever known! this life is all she knows! her parents are not around either dad is in st louis,and hasnt seen to talked to mom in 10years

[pteromom]

The ONLY way there MAY be a chance to save the marriage is if she "gets" that you understand your part in the problems, and that you are making an effort to do things differently.

 

Tell her what you've said here. Tell her that you understand why she resents you. Lay out everything you've done that you feel was wrong. Tell her that you want to start over and see if it can be rebuilt.

 

The only way her feelings will re-grow is if you show her through actions that things are different now, and that she can trust that the same things won't happen again.

 

Once she indicates that she's open to trying, then start bringing romance into it. NOT sex - romance. As if you are just beginning to date her. Make space for you two to re-connect.

[Gunny376]

There's probally more variables to this equation than meets the eye or that your aware of, the number one being that she's probally (a) either meet someone of similar circumstances that isn't/wasn't happy in their marriage / relationship who's fallen with another, and yet another.

 

 

Women are more expressive, and emotional (in the sense that they tend to express and vent their emotions and feelings more readily than men do). They also as a general rule of thumb tend to have more apathy with one another.

 

Women are more communicative than men ~ with your atypical woman using about 6000 to 8000 words a day to your atypical man's 2000 to 6000 words a day. Thus they are more descriptive. This is also relative to one's ethic ~ cultural background. Most people understand the word white with it one and only connotation ~ while people that live in the upper Northern reach of the hemispheres have multiple ~ as many as 26 or more ~ for the word "white"

 

This all to say that the wife has probally being telling you for years and years of her displeasure and unhappiness ~ you've just not been listening and hearing her complaints. And now she's had gotten her fill of it and what you now have is a woman who is either a walk-a-wife, or one that is on the verge.

 

Tied to this is that most men when they get into a relationship? They get a sack. They just don't realize they have one. Some get little sacks and some get large sacks. Every time you do something wrong? It goes into the sack. Every time you say something you shouldn't have? It goes into the sack. When you don't do something that you should have done ~ but didn't? It goes into the sack. Every time that you forget an important holiday, anniversary, aren't attentive, hurt her feelings, say something mean or hateful? It goes into the sack.

 

When you sack gets full? She's not going? She's gone! And in of as a general rule? There's no getting her back. Sure she's crazy for leaving ~ but all you can do is just let her go.

 

As a matter of fact the amount of time, effort, energy, money that you would expend trying to get her back would probally net you five or ten others. All you can really do is go out back, sit down and say WTF? Sit there and make your mind up to quit being a fool and get you azz back in school. Do a brain dump ~ and get busy re-training your brain. Find out what it takes to make a woman happy, to keep her happy and to keep from having to go through this time and time and time again.

 

That is unless you just want to be sitting around the old folks home fifty years from now talking about your first, second, third, fourth, fifth ex-wife?

 

The truth of the matter is that women really aren't all that much different from men in most ways and things. They're about 80% the same in their physical, metal, emotional, pyschological makeup. But that other 20% is hugh! Its a case of where a little means a lot. That can be hard for most people to ~ especially men when it comes to women ~ to wrap their heads around.

 

Mostly its just good old plain communication and learning how to actively listen, and paying attention to what they're saying when the say it! Instead of just sitting there focusing to whatever is on the tv, and pretending to listen to what they're saying. Just hitting the mute button on the remote, or telling someone you're on the phone, "Just a minute! Let me call you back, the wife has something to say to me!" goes a long, long way. Learning how to ask qualifying and clarifying questions. It may be only so much trivial pursuit to you, but it damned important to her.

 

Show me a man that can do that ~ actively and engagingly listen to a woman? And I'll show you a man that has an active sex life! Its all about "Why men don't get enough sex, and women don't get enough love!"

 

You make a woman feel like she's the center of your universe and the most important person and individual in your life ~ before your career, your family, your kids, you job, your hobbies? Your half way there!

 

She passively says, "I'd like to have ______________!" or "I would like to do____________?" And then a couple days, weeks, later you surprise her with it? And do that on a consistent basis? That's going to get you a lot of mileage.

 

If you show her that you appreciate her, other than the major holidays (Christmas, Valentines, her birthday, Mother's day, etc) just "because" and out of the blue that's going to get you a long way with her.

 

What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her! You've got to date your mate! Otherwise your just going to end up being out of gas.

 

I know all of these things and more ~ yet I still daily have to remained focus, re-aim and get back on target ~ adjusting for wind-age and elevation ~ because the day-to-day changes.

 

Mrs Gunny is out of state on a trip to see her son, DIL and grandsons. She mentioned that she wished she had gone by the Salvation Army to pick up a Daniel Steel book to read on the trip. You bet your bottom dollar I made some excuse at the last minute to slip out the door and go and get her one from WalMart. She mentioned that she would like to have this or that. It might take me awhile to get it or get around to it ~ but I make sure she gets what she wants and needs.

 

Where I work ~ its just a "what-ever" job, they want to work you by piling a bunch of over-time on you. I let them know quick, fast and hurry like that I was open to it when the need arises, but I'm not going begging for it, nor looking for it.

 

I'm working to live ~ not living to work. My priority in life is Mrs Gunny, our children and grandchildren.

 

I can't say for sure and certain what those folks on those planes were thinking just before they crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11? But I'm pretty sure it wasn't that they wished they had worked harder, or put more time in at work.

 

I've an aunt whose a hospice RN, and time and time again? The dying speak of family, love, their spouses, their children, wished they had spent more time with them, showed them more and greater love.

 

Its possible that it may be too late for this one? No sure way of knowing or telling! But its sure as hell isn't too damned late to start waking up and getting a clue.

 

Of course most of what you needed to know to pull all of this off nine years ago? You didn't have clue of? I know I didn't. And I've spent a lot of time, effort, energy and even money learning?

 

I've been married and divorced only once. The reason my wife gave for divorcing me?

 

"Because you need to change ~ you've got to change! And, I'm going to divorce you to make you change!" :confused:

 

That was it! That's the only reason I ever got after eleven years of marriage and two children.

 

Mrs Gunny is very appreciative of her efforts ! :love:

[roro1]

i have laid it all out on the table and told her i know the things i did where wrong and that i never want to be that person again,i have done this several times,she says she understands how i feel now,but she needs to find out what she wants! i get that, but its a big pill to swallow! i know everyone is saying just let her be and she what happens,but i cant stop thinking on how to fix things, she knows that a want to change,and have been acting completly differant,but right now she doesnt want put in the effort on fixing us,just her self,buy hey she is going to counsling with me and by herself!

[revitup]

Roro1,

You had best develop a different game plan now,right now.I and others here are hearing something you are not,we are hearing what your spouse means,while you are hearing what she says.

 

You hear what you are wanting to hear.How does anyone "figure out what they want"? That statement alone gives me concern.The only way to figure out what you want is to go for test drives.This is not good.

 

There may be no one else involved,but sadly there usually is, in one way way or the other.Just do not go blindly into this thing.

 

It's great that you are doing things for the relationship and that you go the extra mile.It just may be taken for granted right now and or seen as a weakness as strange as that seems.

 

I think it may be best to do the right things and stay out of her way right now.I wouldn't push her away,she is going to counseling.I just would be very mysterious and nonchalant about it all.She is thinking about whether you are the best option for her right now.If she thinks she is being forced or coerced into it,she will run for the hills.It stinks but you must walk a tight rope until more comes to light here.I do think we only have a small part of this story from all sides.

 

Be yourself and be strong about your own boundaries,and don't bargain or try and sell your new self to her.Unfortunately,it is up to her after that.It will be what it will be.You just have to accept that and go with it no matter which way it ends.Just make sure you come out of it all with your own dignity.

 

REVITUP

[roro1]

i understand what you guys are saying about i need to come up with my own game plan,but its hard cause all i can think about is keeping my family together. as of right now there is no one else,she goes to work and comes home,we still eat together and watch tv till we go to bed. (yes we are still sleeping in the same bed,i just have to stay on my side) i was sleeping in the other room but our little girl started refering to the other room as "daddys room" and she didnt want her saying that around other people. in counsling she says she just wants to be happy,and she is not wih me (but thats the old me),if she would give the new me a chance i could slowly turn that around! ifs very hard to give up on positive hope and start prepairing for the worse. im trying not to keep bothering her about it,i dont text her or keep on about it like i did the first couple weeks.

[dreamingoftigers]

i understand what you guys are saying about i need to come up with my own game plan,but its hard cause all i can think about is keeping my family together. as of right now there is no one else,she goes to work and comes home,we still eat together and watch tv till we go to bed. (yes we are still sleeping in the same bed,i just have to stay on my side) i was sleeping in the other room but our little girl started refering to the other room as "daddys room" and she didnt want her saying that around other people. in counsling she says she just wants to be happy,and she is not wih me (but thats the old me),if she would give the new me a chance i could slowly turn that around! ifs very hard to give up on positive hope and start prepairing for the worse. im trying not to keep bothering her about it,i dont text her or keep on about it like i did the first couple weeks.

 

Divorce Busting 180 plan worked wonders for me.

 

Google it.

 

And get Divorce Remedy too.

 

I also suspect someone is lurking in the background.

Usually when they say they love you but aren't "in love" with you, they mean they are "in love" with someone else.

[FrannyForty]

I first want to say that if every man behaved like Mr. Gunny the divorce rate would not exist. You trully understand how women work and I am quite sure the Mrs. "rewards" you for being a fantastic husband.

 

roro1 - I am your wife right before she stopped loving you. I fear myself getting to that point and I can tell you that once I am there I will probably be giving my love to someone who appreciates me....not someone who made me feel worthless for years.

 

Think about it...you probably went through times where you changed and then got comfortable again and went right back to your ways. Why will this time be different??

My advice...get some independent counseling and make those changes long term. Always remember you can never make anyone else happy if you are not happy within yourself!

 

Best of luck my friend!

[Gunny376]

Me and my wife have been married for 9yrs,together 15,we married young she was 20,she has not been happy for several years, i hardned her heart by not being there for her emotionaly,and i always made her feel punished when i didnt get my way. she has so much recentment for me for this and feels like its my fault she missed out on so much (witch it is) i was just not a good husband in these ways,she says she feels like she missed out on so much of her younger years like prom and going out with friends,we are separated but still living in the same house,she told me she has no emotional,sexual,of physical attraction to me anymore.

she now has agreed to go to MC and we went yesterday,she said she was only there cause she feels like she owes it to our daughter,and for peace of mind that she is doing the right thing! if i try to hold her hand or text her little things this just makes her mad,i know what i did wrong and am working hard to change those things but now she wants no part of it! what can i do? anything? or is she too far gone?

 

Ok there Slick, (Marines Gunny's call everybody "Slick" so don't take offense! ) Let me see if I can offer you some advice. You might want to get yourself comfortable, and a drink as this may get kind of long. I may have to break it up into more than just one posts as Love Shack kick to the extra long posts out to the side line so the "Mods" have time to review them.

 

First off you just can't tell the Mrs that you've changed. You can't tell your friends, her friends, her family, her co-workers nor yours. You've got to show them in every action and deed that you do throughout the day ~ on and off the stage ~ that is to say you've got to actually walk the walk, and talk the talk.................

 

That's because you're going to have to "re-train" your brain ~ and your way of thinking, and that means that you're going to have to do a brain dump of all the crap that you thought was the gosspel when it comes to women, dating, mating, relationships and marriage.

 

The first part of that lesson is this ~ "Do you want to be happy? Are do you want to be right? The choice is yours! Personally I've found that if Mrs. Gunny is Happy? I'm happy ~ and that's because it doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy ~ namely all it takes is keeping Mrs. Gunny and Happy ~ and thankfully she's very low maintenance.

 

Another key part is a song Cindi Lawper (or whatever he name is ~ I'm really bad when it comes to the rich and famous) when she sings ~ "Girls Just Want to Have Fun!" I know that if I can keep Mrs Gunny smiling, laughing, shinning N grinnin like a mule eating a mouthful of briars out of a briar patch? I've half way home. And its not just girls that want to have fun? When the woman your with is having fun, the kids are having fun, and guess what? Your having fun. No one wants to be stuck with a old stuck in the mud. Or as the old saying goes, "Every party needs a party pooper ~ and that's why we invited you!" Don't be that guy.

 

When I was in the Marine Corps I was on the drill field at Marine Corps Recruit Depot, Parris Island. Not once but twice. I was also a Primary Markmanship Instructor. We got issued those "Smokey The Bear" hats ~ actually we call the "Campaign Covers" in the Marines. Anyway, we would get issued two at government expense. There' not the cheapest hats in the world, and you had to turn them back in the same way they were issued? We had one that we wore day-to-day and another that we wore for parades and such. Their made out of felt ~ and are ever loving pain in the azz. So unless you've got an extra (at the time $60 per hat) to give back to the Marine Corps? You had to take tender loving care of them. :mad:

 

But even then, as ignorant as I was? I would take mine off at the back door, (well the one I wore day-to-day) and leave it out in the garage? Now to anyone that's worn one of these pain in tha' azz hats knows that's a big time, serious no-no! Rain is the death toll on one of them ~ and un-like the Army "Drill Sergeants" and the Air Force (Whatever they call themselves) Marines don't wear those plastic covers on these type of hats! Just not something Marines do.

 

But the reason I would do it? Is when I walked in the back door? I would leave work at work ~ and when I went to work? I would leave home at home. Its kind of like two glasses of water? One is dark and dirty and the other is clean and clear? You don't mix the two? See what I mean?

 

When the wife asks you, "How was work?"

 

She really doesn't care about this, that or the other? Not really! She cares about if your still have a job, going to have a job next week, month, year, if your up for a raise (not necessary a promotion ~ just a raise)

 

When the wife asks, "How was work?" she (as a general rule of thumb) asking?

 

"Are the any threats to the my security? The security of us? The financial security of our children? The financial security of our family? The security of our marriage? Can we afford to fix the furnance, the car, replace the ten year old car that I need to shuttle the kids back and forth to Dr.s Appointments, to the grocery store, can we afford to buy school clothes for the kids, keep the kids in day care? In a private school? The freaking list is endless?

[Gunny376]

Women? Especially mothers ~ even when your having sex with them?? Have this endless list of things that is constantly and prepetually going through their minds? I mean the list is absolutely endless!

 

More often than not when a man is having sex with a woman ~ especially a woman that has children? She's more likely thinking ~ "I could be and should be doing other things!"

 

Women, especially married women with children, ~ but even career women without children ~ are constanly and prepetually thinking and have tha' list on thier minds.

 

Its the man that can get there minds off of the list for just a half hour? (And if your really good? Longer than that!) that make good lovers!

 

To do that? You've got to start working on Monday! IF you want to seriously have hot, passionate, monkey sex on Sunday! Monday through Saturday, you've got to get her in a good, humorous, joking, playful, fun, relaxed, confident, secured, worry free "all items on the list are checked off" mood.

 

The water bill is paid? Check!

The light bill is paid? Check!

The rent is paid? Check!

The credit card bills are paid? Check!

The cars running good, we don't need a new one? Its big enough for the kids? We've got federally approved, Department of Transportation approved child seats that will protect our two year old as though he was riding in an Abrahams Tank? Check!

The car has a full tank of gas? Check!

The laundry is clean? Check!

We've got clean sheets on the bed? Check!

The bossy, bitchy next door neighbor isn't going to complain about our grass needing cut, or edging? Or our hedges needing trimming? Check!

 

Where does all this come from?

 

Be a ninth grade year girl in middle school and you'll know where it comes from? Middle school and high school girls are ruthless in speaking down and sizing up each other!

[Gunny376]

I had a buddy of mine in the Marines. I was at the Staff NCO club at Camp Hansen in Okinawa, Japan one Saturday? It was in the afternoon, and I stopped in to watch the delayed Super Bowl game on the Armed Forces Network. Never mind that the game had already been played and over with, and that the Stars and Stripes newspaper had already published the name of the winner and score. With over five thousand male Marines and just under 250 VERY HAPPY women Marines stationed there, there's not much to do there? Except go to the Staff NCO club and drink San Miguel (Philippine Beer) and watch the game.

 

In walks "Mac" ~ He's a black guy ~ Africain American ~ whatever! I don't know how it is in "today's" Marine Corps? But back then? We only had one color? Marine Corps Green! And we were all brothers! Marine brothers!

 

Mac walks in, and he's looking down! Seriously down! Like he just got bad news from across the "pond" (the Pacific Ocean) that his whole family got killed, his dog died, and he got a "Dear John" from his wife that he's leaving him for his brother?

 

So I bought him a beer, and asked him what's up?

 

He tells me!

 

"Man! I WILL NEVER EVER IN MY LIFE EVER USE ANOTHER WOMAN FOR A BOOTY CALL!"

I'm like what? I'm like WTF?

[Gunny376]

It seems "Mac" was out in 'Kin~ville" (Marines know what I'm talking about!) And a HotBabe X 10 Japenesse gal pulled up in a "Ladybird" ~ that's the tradename for a Datsun/Nissan Z240/260/300 sportscar in Japan)

 

We're talking "Kill Bill" type stuf except this is going down back during the early "80's" We're talking about Japanesse fine as wine!

 

Mac is kind of scared? He AA (African American from the Bronx) and is leary of her?

 

She's out to get and sexual experience with an AA?

 

She takes him back to her place and long story short?

 

Uses and abuses him, then shoes, skivvies, and clothes into his chest while he's butt azz naked into the street saying "You Go! You Go! I call JP!" (Japanesse Police)"

 

Bottom line to the story?

 

Don't treat women as VLSS ~ Vaginal Life Support Systems!