A Former WW Says Thank You

February 7, 2013

After 13 years together and 8 years of marriage I made the tragic choice to have an affair. I felt neglected and taken for granted for a number of years. I had made attempts to let him know how I felt using clear language like "it would mean a lot to me if..." and "...is really important to me", but his behavior towards me never changed. I still felt like I was just the default and it wore me down. Unfortunately, I met someone at my work who I was compatible with on a variety of levels at a time when I was the most vulnerable and my self-esteem was at its lowest. It started out as stopping by each others desks to talk, which led to going to lunch, at lunch we started sharing too much about our personal lives, and before I knew it I was in an EA (not that I knew what that was at the time).

My xMM made me feel so good by doing the little things - asking me about my day, complimenting me, just making me fee like I mattered. I fell in love. After about nine months in an EA, we took it physical. Easily the worst decision I've ever made. I still loved my husband, and I never really expected that my MM would actually leave his marriage. I didn't see any way this would end well, but I was addicted. Way in the fog. We continued our physical relationship for almost a year until frankly it just became too painful for both of us to live with it.

After the PA was over, I was in a horrible place. I felt so much guilt for what I had done, I missed my xMM (which made me feel even more guilty), and I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was going through. I would get up in the morning to get ready to go to work and just end up sobbing on the bathroom floor. My husband knew something was going on - he had eventually noticed me pulling away from him while I was in the A. We would still have sex, but I found it hard to be as affectionate as I used to be and I very rarely would say "I love you". He was starting to show an interest in me again and concern for why I was obviously feeling so bad. I didn't know what to do. I loved my husband and I didn't want to lose him, but it felt so wrong to try and fix things with him when he didn't know the whole story. I didn't see how I could have an "open and honest relationship" with him when I had this huge secret that absolutely concerned him.

That's when I found this website. I read a number of threads and eventually came to the conclusion that, as scary as it was, I had to tell him what I'd done. D-day was horrible, but I did as much as I could to prepare for it. I created a list of all my passwords - computer, email, phone, etc. - and gave it to him. I had made arrangements to take the rest of the week off from work if he wanted me around. I told him the night that I came clean that I would answer all of his questions as completely and as truthfully as I could, but that it was up to him to decide if the knowledge would he helpful to him, so he shouldn't ask me about things that he didn't really want to know. I told him that what happened next was up to him. I was willing to leave if he wanted me to. I was willing to quit my job if he wanted me to. I told him that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to reconcile. He was what I wanted and I was desperate to show him.

We both cried a lot. He was obviously very hurt and angry, but his gut reaction was that he still loved me. I did what I said I would do and answered all of his questions truthfully, even the really painful ones. We went to MC. We bought "Not Just Friends" and read it out loud to each other. We made a point of doing fun things together, and really talking and reconnecting. The hysterical bonding was fun. :-) After all the questions were asked and answered, he got to a point where he had to decide if he wanted us to be happy together, or if he wanted justice - they're ultimately two incompatible goals. There's nothing that I can to do make up for what I've done - that's what's so unfair about the whole situation. There have been times when he was just furious at me, when he would yell at me - that was fine, I'd earned it - but most of the time he has been very committed to working towards forgiveness.

Our anniversary was four months after d-day. I asked him if it would be alright if I planned something special for the weekend and he gave me the okay. I surprised him with a cabin at an extremely posh resort that we had on our bucket list. While we were there I arranged for us to renew our vows if he wanted to. I figured that I had ruined the first set, so if he was willing, I wanted to recommit. I rewrote the ceremony script that the officient sent - it was very new-agish, "freedom to be" foo foo, so I made it a little more traditional (if anything, we needed a little less "freedom to be" lol). He was blown away when we pulled into the resort for our anniversary weekend, and thankfully when I asked him if he would marry me again, he said yes. :-) We both cried happy tears during the ceremony. We had a wonderful weekend together - even better than I had hoped for in my wildest dreams.

By no means do I think this is over. It's been about ten months since d-day and he still expresses anger sometimes and self-esteem issues that I do my best to reassure him. I accept that I've done a lot of damage and I will always feel horrible about it. I've apologized hundreds of times, but I haven't asked him to forgive me yet - I think it's too soon. I do think we are on a good path though, and in many ways we relate to each other better now than we ever have before. We're both more compassionate, understanding, committed to clear communication, and just simply being kind to each other and making the the other a priority.

I'm sure there were be the usual suspects that will say that I'm a horrible person and that I don't deserve my BH. That may be true, but I'm doing my level best to be the kind of wife that he wants and deserves. One thing is for sure. Even if he decides to leave me tomorrow, I will NEVER do this again. To him or to anyone else. It just causes way too much pain for everyone involved.

I didn't create an account and write this post to get a pat on the back, but to say thanks to the many wonderful people who post on this board, especially Spark1111, BetrayedH, Furious, anne1707, frozensprouts, and many others who open themselves up and share their pain and experiences. When you put yourselves out there like that, you're not just helping the person that you're responding to, but countless others who just lurk and read (like I did). I found it really helpful to come here and see that the bumps on the road were not unusual as well as get an idea of what he was going through and what I could do to help. It gave me courage to take the steps I needed to take to tell him and avoid common pitfalls (trickle-truth, etc.). So THANK YOU!! to all of you. I'm sorry that you have gone through this pain, but good on you for being strong enough to work through it and to give of yourselves.

February 7, 2013

Wow. What a fantastic post. How great it is to see one of these things done right. My favorite part is that you avoided the trickle-truth.

Look, we can all screw up. But it doesn't have to define you or your marriage. And your post proves exactly that. Marriages can be repaired.

My sincerest best wishes to you, your husband, and the continued life of your marriage. You made my day.

February 7, 2013

leonine -- I say "good for you!" and keep working at it. My W confessed to me 10 months ago that she had had a ONS while out of town several years ago. Even though it was several years ago for her, it was like yesterday for me (which is very common). I spent an awful lot of time going between up and down and all around emotionally. I made the decision pretty quickly that I was not going to give up on 23 years of marriage without putting in a heck of a lot of effort to save the marriage first, but there were many times, especially in the first six months or so, when I doubted that I could get past what she had done and move on. As much as I didn't want to, I had to consider the possibilty that the only way I would be able to get past it would be to end the marriage.

However, she has apologized dozens of times since D-Day, and has gone out of her way in so many ways to demonstrate how much she loves me and wants our marriage to work. We have done some of the same things as you. We made a committment (which we have kept) to do fun and new things together to reconnect and rekindle our relationship. We have plans to renew our wedding vows on our 25th anniversay about 16 months from now and then take a trip that is on OUR bucket list for a honeymoon. She has already asked me to marry her again and I have accepted. Like your H I still have occasions when the thought of what she did rears its ugly head and I end up bringing it up again, but those occurences happen less and less as time goes on. I know I will never forget but I also know without a doubt that, like you, she will never do something like this that causes so much pain again.

The main thing I want to tell you is that it has been her efforts and actions that have made it possible for me to forgive her and move forward, so keep fighting for it!

February 7, 2013

Wow, amazing post, thanks for sharing. It makes such a difference when you come clean and really put out the effort to do the right thing. I know it's been horrible and scary but from what you've described I'm proud of you. I've seen so many WSs who didn't have the courage to do what you did. I hope you guys see it though

It feels good to hear that there are people listening and benefiting, again thanks for sharing.

February 7, 2013

Thanks for posting this Leonine.

Are you able to say what happened to the MM and the BW in your situation? Did the BW ever find out? Did your BH decide to communicate with the BW and does/did he want to? Would/did it bother you if the 2 BSs communicated?

I guess I'm thinking if there was no exposure/confession on the other side then this creates a potential for further pain for all.

February 7, 2013

..........

Edited February 7, 2013 by BetrayedH

February 7, 2013

Have you gone to any Individual Counseling to determine why you decided to throw your marriage away? If not why not?

I haven't gone to any IC recently, but I do have some FOO issues that I'm aware of. Unfortunately they did probably play a part in the path I headed down.

Have you exposed the xMM to his betrayed spouse/gf and to everyone at work?

I have not exposed him to his wife. My husband does not want to do this as he's concerned about the repercussions of doing so. I'm respecting this.

Have you gone complete no contract with the affair partner--even if that means asking for a transfer and going to HR and letting them know you had an affair?

Have you started getting your resume together to look for another job so there is no chance of any future contact with the affair partner? EVEN IF your husband isn't insisting on it?

I do still work in the same building with the xMM, but our contact is extremely limited. I tell my husband when I do have to interact with him. I am looking for another job, but the one I have pays very well, so it's hard to replace. At this point, we could live on my husband's income, but he prefers that I keep working and that I not settle for less money. My offer to quit though is always on the table. If he wanted me to not go there anymore I'd never go back.

Oh by the way it's a little disconcerting to ready that you believe that "justice" is fundamentally irreconcilable with a happy marriage. What that translates to is that you're happy with the injustice you caused.

Of course you put it on your betrayed spouse--it's his choice whether it's justice vs. happiness. No--that's YOUR choice. YOUR perception that "justice" for him equals "unhappiness" for you.

I contend there there is nothing that I could do that would make up for what I've done. What would be justice in your mind? He has no interest in punishing me for the rest of our lives - that wouldn't make either one of us happy.

Sorry but it's just not as easy as you want it to be. Renewing your vows after four months? Not enough time.

That was something that I was concerned about, but he was very happy that I did it. Ultimately, it's not your call if it was enough time or not - it's his.

Was this the first and only time you've ever cheated on your husband, either before or after marriage? Emotionally or in any other way, not just full on sex?

I've never cheated on him or anyone else in my life in any way. Never will again.

Why did the affair stop? Why did you only decide you wanted to reconcile AFTER the affair was over? Did your affair partner dump you, and you lost your planned exit strategy from the marriage?

All these questions need to be answered before you can even begin to claim that you are truly reconciled.

It stopped because we were both feeling guilty about what we were doing. As for why did I decide to reconcile after the affair was over, well, wouldn't I end an affair before reconciling? That question doesn't make much sense to me honestly. My xMM was not an exit strategy. I'm a pretty independent person and I have a good job. I could make it on my own if my husband wasn't what I wanted. I don't claim that we are fully reconciled yet, but I think we are on a good path to reconciliation.

Ultimately, if you or anyone else doesn't believe me, that's fine. I didn't post on here because I feel a burning need to justify myself to strangers on the internet. I just wanted to thank some people who greatly helped me through a tough time.

February 7, 2013

Wow.

Amazing.

Beautiful.

Awesome.

thank you

February 7, 2013

Thanks for posting this Leonine.

Are you able to say what happened to the MM and the BW in your situation? Did the BW ever find out? Did your BH decide to communicate with the BW and does/did he want to? Would/did it bother you if the 2 BSs communicated?

I guess I'm thinking if there was no exposure/confession on the other side then this creates a potential for further pain for all.

As far as I know, the BW doesn't know, and I consider it pretty unlikely that xMM will tell her. My BH feels bad for the BW, but has some concerns about what the xMM would do if he or I told her. I really doubt that any violence would come of it (neither BH or xMM are violent types, but I'd put my money on BH if it came down to it) and have told him so, but he prefers to stay out of it. So stay out of it we will. It wouldn't bother me if he did talk to her though.

February 7, 2013

Leonine

You get it! You had the courage to give your husband the truth. As difficult as it was, you gave your husband the right to his reality and the right to his free choice. Many WS's don't see how crucial that is.

I sincerely wish you and your husband can rebuild, and have an even better, stronger and more intimate marriage.

February 7, 2013

Fantastic post. You indeed really get it. By the way did you get tested for STD's?

February 7, 2013

Fantastic post. You indeed really get it. By the way did you get tested for STD's?

I did. I got the first doctors appointment that I could after d-day. Fortunately, everything came back clean.

Thank you to everyone who is wishing us well. As I said before, I have high hopes for us. I'm very thankful that we have a good support system around us.

February 8, 2013

As far as I know, the BW doesn't know, and I consider it pretty unlikely that xMM will tell her. My BH feels bad for the BW, but has some concerns about what the xMM would do if he or I told her. I really doubt that any violence would come of it (neither BH or xMM are violent types, but I'd put my money on BH if it came down to it) and have told him so, but he prefers to stay out of it. So stay out of it we will. It wouldn't bother me if he did talk to her though.

Your husband may tell her one day, because he may feel like the OM is getting off Scott free. Realize this, your husband will NEVER be completely over this and it will haunt him for the rest of his life (thoughts about your affair sex, etc.), be prepared for that as you have no one to blame but yourself! You should get rid of anything and everything worn for OM, gifts, etc., and tell your husband about it all. Get rid of the triggers.

Lastly, don't forget, your husband may still decide to leave you or ask you to leave one day (it happens), but at least you came clean and avoided some pit falls including I'm guessing, blameshifting! That may help in your situation.

Edited February 8, 2013 by Darth Vader

February 8, 2013

Leonine, continued good luck for reconciliation and the future. I too am happy to see someone who is reconciling. xx

February 8, 2013

I suppose the BW does have the right to know what happened (if she did know, I would apologize to her as well), but my BH doesn't want to get involved. If he changes his mind some day, so be it, I will support him. But as long as he views their marriage as none of our business, I will defer to him as he is my primary concern in this mess. I have no fear of them talking though - I have nothing left to hide.

Darth, I'm aware that he may also one day change his mind about me. He may decide that it's too much to get over. Like I said, I know that this isn't over and that we're still working through it. If it comes to that, well, I accept full responsibility for what I've done. I truly hope it won't though.

Edited February 8, 2013 by leonine

February 8, 2013

I'm astounded at how some people can be so self-congratulatory and selfish.

And getting all this support without question.

No one cares about the OM's betrayed wife.

For shame.

Yeah, I'm surprised that only a couple of people have even mentioned this....

February 8, 2013

Leonine

I respect your honesty and the fact you are truly remorseful.

You and your husband have come this far, and now that you're on your way to reconciling, I hope that you and your husband can now extend the truth to the OM's wife.

Giving her the truth is a huge responsibility and may open up a can of worms, but if done respectfully, and with care, she will have the reality and choice everyone deserves.

February 8, 2013

I understand what you are saying regarding the BW. I feel bad for my part in breaking her marriage, even if she doesn't know about it. Maybe my BH will change his mind about telling her, but unless and until he does, it's not going to happen. Lovebot's insinuation that I should go behind his back to tell her is ridiculous - disregarding his feelings and wishes is what got me in this mess and I'm NOT going to betray him again.

Maybe I'll broach the subject with BH again soon. Take his temperature on the topic.

February 8, 2013

I understand what you are saying regarding the BW. I feel bad for my part in breaking her marriage, even if she doesn't know about it. Maybe my BH will change his mind about telling her, but unless and until he does, it's not going to happen. Lovebot's insinuation that I should go behind his back to tell her is ridiculous - disregarding his feelings and wishes is what got me in this mess and I'm NOT going to betray him again.

Maybe I'll broach the subject with BH again soon. Take his temperature on the topic.

I agree leonine, it should be a decision you and your husband make together.

February 8, 2013

You've taken a lot of steps. This is probably your next.

I agree with you deferring to your husband and disagree with circumventing him. But you won't find much support here for failing to expose to the other BS. The fact is that the BS deserves to be able to make an informed decision about her life. I hope you are able to convince your husband that it's the right thing to do. An apology letter from you (that cannot he intercepted by the OM) is what's best. Blame us for pressuring you because it's the truth.

For what it's worth, it doesn't stop me one iota from celebrating the steps you have taken up to this point. I applaud them. Could you do more? Sure. But I don't think there's an exact formula for reconciliation and what is working for you and your H is ultimately pretty paramount. If there was a formula, you've followed it very closely. Exposure to the OM's W is a big missing piece. I would encourage you to consider this as the next thing to consider.

February 8, 2013

You've taken a lot of steps. This is probably your next.

I agree with you deferring to your husband and disagree with circumventing him. But you won't find much support here for failing to expose to the other BS. The fact is that the BS deserves to be able to make an informed decision about her life. I hope you are able to convince your husband that it's the right thing to do. An apology letter from you (that cannot he intercepted by the OM) is what's best. Blame us for pressuring you because it's the truth.

For what it's worth, it doesn't stop me one iota from celebrating the steps you have taken up to this point. I applaud them. Could you do more? Sure. But I don't think there's an exact formula for reconciliation and what is working for you and your H is ultimately pretty paramount. If there was a formula, you've followed it very closely. Exposure to the OM's W is a big missing piece. I would encourage you to consider this as the next thing to consider.

Understood. It is something that I've considered many times, what I would say, what the consequences might be for everyone involved, etc. Until my BH buys in though, it's a non-starter. I'll take my lumps on this issue.

February 8, 2013

What a nice post!! I think it sounds like have a very solid start to reconciliation.

February 8, 2013

Being a (somewhat reluctant) reader of Greek mythology, I am aware of the story of Herakles slaying the monster Lernaean Hydra. I’m guessing we have had a visit from the new-age hydra today but, you know what, I think the "surviving head" actually makes reasonable sense.

Anyway, back to the real world…

I think post number 26 is quite reasonable on the whole - although I might differ with some of the language/specifics.

I would be SO VERY UPSET if I found out that someone could have, and should have, told me earlier – might not have changed the outcome, but it would have saved me precious time and tremendous emotional stress (rather than continuing to suffer through gaslighting – even though my gut was telling me there was something very wrong) and provided me with a certain amount of dignity – and empowered me to make my own choices rather than being controlled by the dishonesty of another.

You have come clean with your husband. I sincerely applaud you for that. The lack of trickle truth, etc. is remarkable – and I envy your husband. I am being quite sincere here - I was very impressed with your post and how you handled things with your husband.

You have been brave. I suspect that it is time for you to be brave yet again.

Said another way – you are making amends for being a WW, but you’ve not made amends for being an OW…

Edited February 8, 2013 by AbeNormal

February 8, 2013

Leonine, I am an XBS who asked my H (the WS) to not tell the other BS, despite him wanting to knock on the door and apologise for what he had done. I asked him not to for 3 reasons, the first being that I knew the other BS to be a very violent person and one who would literally, come to our door causing trouble at a time when I didn't and couldn't handle anymore pressure or stress, I was recovering from chemo. I also knew that he would physically attack the OW and their children. The other reason being that I didn't want My business spread about with all and sundry and knew this would happen and knew that this would affect my job. Finally, because I knew that H was in a bad place dealing with combat stress and PTSD and was literaly, falling apart in front of my eyes. Selfish? yes maybe, but right for me and us, absolutely and that is what I based my thinking upon.

As it was, the other BS got to hear about in from another person, it wasn't the first A the OW had, had and he went ballistic. I ended up helping the OW and her children find a refuge as he beat her quite badly, breaking her occipital bone and nose. Do I think I should have told him or agreed to H telling him? at the time no, now, 5 years down the line, still no, I saw what he did and am glad he didn't follow us when we moved, but for a few years we heard he had planned a pretty dire revenge plan, which was to include not only H but me too.

I do take myself to task over not telling, but I feel that if I had, then my life would be very different now - everyone makes decisions based upon what is best for them and while that maybe viewed as selfish and yes, it is right in usual circumstances for the BS to be told, not everything is so cut and dried.

February 8, 2013

Leonine

It is so good to hear that you have come so far and that you ane your H are doing well. It will take time but as long as you are both committed to each other and willing to do the hard work, you can do it.

Obviously there will be some issues still in around - like the BW and that you work with the exOM - but that is for you and your H to find a way of dealing with that works for you both.

Keep strong

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