A Former WW Says Thank You

[BetrayedH]

Being a (somewhat reluctant) reader of Greek mythology, I am aware of the story of Herakles slaying the monster Lernaean Hydra. I’m guessing we have had a visit from the new-age hydra today but, you know what, I think the "surviving head" actually makes reasonable sense.

 

Funny. I agree that the hydra paid us a visit today (havarti and lovebot) and does so somewhat routinely. I remember once that there was so much discussion about him that he openly posted as "Lerneaen Hydra." He had to come back and say "I told you so" to me about my WW. I just about died laughing when I saw that username. Sadly, it got deleted like so many of his others.

[anne1707]

Leonine

 

I recommend the Ignore button - it can come in very useful at times.

[BetrayedH]

I would honestly be curious from OP or others here, how many affairs which have been going on almost two years including a full year as a physical affair, where the affair partners still have easy access to each other, just spontaneously end because BOTH of the affair partners more or less simultaneously decide they feel "too guilty" to continue, and "that's that"? And where the WS has not first been in any counseling to work through their issues to help them end the affair? (Other than I guess posting here under a different alias as seems to be implied in the OP? Posting here isn't really counseling though is it?)

 

And where the affair partners still remain in contact? And yet neither affair partner makes any effort at continuing the affair or taking it underground?

 

Where the WS has decided she is actually "in love" with her affair partner (and hence is no longer "in" love with her husband)?

 

How many affair happen where there is a total coming clean and zero trickle truth? In a long term affair where the WS actually is in love with the affair partner?

 

It simply defies credibility. It does not fit what WSs actually do. It does not fit how affairs play out.

 

It is at least equally likely that this is an affair that may have gone underground and this posting was for the benefit of the BS who may be monitoring WS's internet usage.

 

There are a whole host of possibilities including that someone made the post up entirely just to make us all look silly. It's equally possible that the OP lurked here and took the advice of some veteran people after she ended her affair out of guilt. Who knows, right? Personally, I've chosen to stop speculating at that level, much to the delight of a few teenagers, I'm sure.

 

On a side note, I think LS can be far more effective than therapy for a WS as so many ICs recommend rugsweeping. I do think that IC is good tool to dig into her personal FOOs and her personal "why" which probably isn't as effectively addressed here. But we're also not too shabby when it comes to talking about blameshifting.

[BetrayedH]

That's interesting.

 

Did your wife cheat on you with someone at work, claim to have stopped, and turned out to be lying to her betrayed spouse causing a false reconciliation, by any chance?

 

If so, do you see any analogy between your ex and the OP?

 

Incredibly insightful for such a new poster. I'm in awe.

 

Patterns are a useful tool (and you're obviously welcome to insist that the OP follow them if you like) but there are, of course, exceptions to every rule. Is the OP an exception? I have no idea but I choose to believe what she posts because conjecture otherwise is pretty useless, just as it was in my own situation. The fsct is that I chose to trust by verify (which I had plenty of advice to do without being brow-beaten) and after 8 months, I was able to verify that she was lying.

[BetrayedH]

I think you may have set a record for most prepositional phrases in a sentence, if it is one.

 

You have your theory; I have mine. Personally, I think you're reaching to say that this was all an elaborate hoax to throw off a lurking BS.

 

Good day, sir.

[road]

You must finish to expose this affair.

 

Does your BH know that OM that have no consequences from banging another man's wife always come back even if it takes years to restart the affair?

 

Does your BH know that exposing to the OMW gives your BH another set of eyes to watch if the OM is acting as if he is an affair again. A heads up call from the OMW will alert the BH as to if OM's new activity matches up with new changes in his WW?

 

Does your BH know about the need for NC for life with you and the OM?

I doubt it because he is allowing you to continue to work with the OM. This shows that there must be a full official exposure at work. You may get fired, or the OM, or both. Though NC will then be in place.

 

You have greatly reduced your chances for sucessfull recovery because you are getting all that needs to be done.

 

What a shame since you made a strong start at recovery.

[BetrayedH]

You must finish to expose this affair.

 

Does your BH know that OM that have no consequences from banging another man's wife always come back even if it takes years to restart the affair?

 

Does your BH know that exposing to the OMW gives your BH another set of eyes to watch if the OM is acting as if he is an affair again. A heads up call from the OMW will alert the BH as to if OM's new activity matches up with new changes in his WW?

 

Does your BH know about the need for NC for life with you and the OM?

I doubt it because he is allowing you to continue to work with the OM. This shows that there must be a full official exposure at work. You may get fired, or the OM, or both. Though NC will then be in place.

 

You have greatly reduced your chances for sucessfull recovery because you are getting all that needs to be done.

 

What a shame since you made a strong start at recovery.

 

I agree that exposure to the OM's W and firm NC are two significant obstacles that should be tackled. I also believe the OP should be proactive on both. These things can be dangerous if left undone. With all of the other work that's been done, I agree that it's a shame to leave these two on the table.

[leonine]

I understand the concern regarding NC and the fact that I still work with the xMM. It is a concern that I share as well. I'm not going to lie and say that it has always been easy. There were times in the early days where I just wanted to talk to him. When that would happen, I would picture how hurt my husband was when I told him and how flat out horrible d-day was. I never want to put either one of us through that again. My desire to talk to xMM has faded with time, just like with any other ex. I am committed to telling my husband about any of the rare interactions that I have with the xMM, and I am looking for another job. It's hard to find a comparable one where I am and in this economy though.

 

Anyone here is free to doubt my story or sincerity - I won't lose any sleep over it. I don't have any reason to lie though. My husband knows of this website, but doesn't like coming here. He finds some of the posters trigger him. The only people who matter to me see how hard I'm working to be the wife he deserves.

[wifehurtheart]

 

I hadn't visited this website/forum for several months since I found myself being "beaten up" by extremist posters who want nothing less than death for the BS, no matter what you relate is going on. They don't want your truth to be the truth....they want to tell you what the truth is without any regard for the realities of your actual current situation is. Reading this thread reminds me of why I haven't visited here for some time, and makes me think I'll go away again (this time permanently). Hold on to the last sentence of this post...."the only people who matter to me" --- they are the only ones who count.

[road]

I hadn't visited this website/forum for several months since I found myself being "beaten up" by extremist posters who want nothing less than death for the BS, no matter what you relate is going on. They don't want your truth to be the truth....they want to tell you what the truth is without any regard for the realities of your actual current situation is. Reading this thread reminds me of why I haven't visited here for some time, and makes me think I'll go away again (this time permanently). Hold on to the last sentence of this post...."the only people who matter to me" --- they are the only ones who count.

 

 

I looked back at your first thread and I see people pushing you to get more truth out of your WW.

 

Problem with many people here is that the BS is the one that gets to control how much detail needs to be revealed.

 

However you confused with limiting the amount of info you have your WW tell you, which is wise because what one hears can not be unheard, and verifying that your WW is not lying.

 

To avoid thread jacking any more I wish that you would start a new thread to discuss how your recovery is going.

[Spark1111]

leonine I am so happy for you and your H.

 

whatever is working for your marriage is what you two should continue to do.

 

I agree with OPs that I wish the other BS should be told, but you two must remain a united team in all your decisions.

 

My H has all my passwords as I have his and is free to read anything I post anywhere at anytime including Love Shack.

 

he too does not like to read here as it triggers him and he remains deeply ashamed of his past affair, but he is always free to do so.

 

I wish you all the best.

[leonine]

leonine I am so happy for you and your H.

 

whatever is working for your marriage is what you two should continue to do.

 

I agree with OPs that I wish the other BS should be told, but you two must remain a united team in all your decisions.

 

My H has all my passwords as I have his and is free to read anything I post anywhere at anytime including Love Shack.

 

he too does not like to read here as it triggers him and he remains deeply ashamed of his past affair, but he is always free to do so.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Thanks Spark. My husband knows that I posted our story on here. He asked if there were many negative posts. I told him that there were a few, but most people were supportive. He may come on here to read this, or he may not. Either is fine with me, but I'm guessing that he won't post even if he does read.

 

We also talked about the BW. He really feels like he wants us to be on extremely firm footing before we potentially invite more drama into our lives. That makes sense to me. While I think things have been going as well as could be expected, we still have our sore points and triggers. Last night he used the b-word in relation to me. He ment it in a playful, joking way (like "bitch, please!"), but it hit me wrong and made me sad. We talked through it, and he reassured me that he didn't mean it in a mean way. It still bums both of us out though that in the past he would joke with me like that and I never would have thought for a minute that he was seriously calling me a b****.

[Jabba]

It doesn't really sound like either of you respect each other or yourselves very much.

 

Not a good foundation for a healthy marriage.

 

 

He ment it in a playful, joking way (like "bitch, please!"), but it hit me wrong and made me sad. We talked through it, and he reassured me that he didn't mean it in a mean way. It still bums both of us out though that in the past he would joke with me like that and I never would have thought for a minute that he was seriously calling me a b****.

I'll bet your affair partner didn't call you that word.

 

Poor boundaries contribute to causing an affair.

 

Good boundaries start from within. You are entitled to set a boundary in your marriage that you absolutely refuse to tolerate being called those kind of disrespectful names any longer, even as a "joke." It's bad for the marriage especially a weak marriage and resentment at being treated that way may have contributed to your affair. But it is your responsibility to speak up for yourself, not just "This makes me sad," but: "Don't you ever call me that again either to my face or talk about me that way to anyone else. That's what @ssholes call their women and I have no desire to be married to an @sshole."

 

It's unbelievable that even after being cheated on for a year your husband still doesn't have a clue. He didn't mean it in a bad way? Is there a "good" way to call the woman you supposedly love a "bitch"? Over and over? Some joke. Tell him to get a whoopee cushion if he wants to play a joke.

 

"Jokes" like that tend to be a real two-edge sword. The joke part is on the surface but hostility underneath motivates it. Especially after an affair my guess is he is feelign a lot of hostility to you. It's unhealthy for him you and the marriage to use a "joke" in a passive agressive way to express hostility to you like that.

 

 

And just so it's clear no I don't think your affair was appropriate but it's obvious there was some serious messed-up sh*t going on in your marriage which probably led up to it.

Edited February 10, 2013 by Jabba

[leonine]

Humor can be hard to convey over the internet - so much of it is based on tone, body language, etc. I don't know where in the world you are, but around here it's sort of a catch phrase (cliche? Meme? Not really sure what the exact right word would be) if some one says something patently ridiculous, to respond with ", please". That's what the scenario was. We were laughing about what we were talking about until he said that. I knew his intent wasn't disrespectful, but it just hit me. He COULD call me that if he was really angry at me (though he hasn't called me names throughout this mess or before), and he has every RIGHT to be angry at me. He immediately realized that it went over poorly with me. We talked it out and he agreed that it wasn't the best thing to say around me. He apologized and we were all good. We just both have to be more mindful of the things we say - we're both still very raw from this whole experience.

Edited February 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Snowflower]

Leonine, your story was a breath of fresh air here. I wish you and your husband continued success.

 

Just please remember, there really is no statute of limitations on infidelity. Your H may decide at any given point that he cannot remained married to you anymore and walk away. Just because things are so good now doesn't mean that they will remain that way.

 

Many (most?) BS will attempt reconciliation with their cheating spouse. However, many marriages won't make it longer than a few years at most.

 

IMO, I think a marriage has even more strikes against it when the wife cheats as opposed to the husband cheating.

 

Please take some time and read some of the threads from BH posters here. Try to get as many perspectives as you can because your H will probably feel like some of them. BetrayedH, Owl, Drifter777, are a few that come to mind although there are others. Each of the posters I mentioned had a different outcome in their individual reconciliation.

 

But please don't assume that the vow renewal will fix everything. It was very likely too soon. I know your intentions were good but your H should have taken the initiative on renewal when he was ready. My H and I also renewed our vows a few months after d-day and it was too soon--for both of us. I wish we had waited until we knew for sure or had never renewed the vows.

 

I'm sorry to be so negative. I just want you to be aware of what you and your H face as you walk this road. This will not just go away and if either of you think it will in a year or two, then it might be better to rethink reconciliation.

[jnel921]

Amazing post leonine.... It's been 4 months since D-Day and we chose to rebuild our relationship.

 

Your post actually brought me to tears as they reminded me of my WH words. He said he always loved me even while he hurt me and I couldn't understand that until I read what you wrote.

 

I understand renewing your vows. next month is our 9 year wedding anniversary. I feel eventually we will need to do this to show each other renewed hope and love.

 

I am happy this experience made your relationship stronger. That is our goal as well. Honesty is the best policy. I am glad you took the time to read through our posts, heartbreaks and tears. Good luck to you both.

[leonine]

Snowflower - Yes, one lesson that we've both learned through all this is that nothing in life is guaranteed. I can't change the past (oh would that I could) or control what he does or how he feels, so I can't spend my life worrying about what might happen. All I can do is live my life from this day forward with integrity and honesty and hope that he can heal. If it turns out that he can't, I will be very sad, but it will be what it will be. I am glad for every good day that we have though, and right now at least, the good days far far out number the bad.

 

I also want to state very clearly that I never thought that the vow renewal would "fix" things or be the end of this. If anything I thought of it as a first step. I broke the vows that our marriage was built on, so I wanted to restate them as a basis for us to rebuild on. If he didn't want to, it was just the two of us and the officient - he easily could have said no. Trust me when I say that I had a fair amount of concern regarding the timing and way I did it. I ran it past our MC and his best friend (who knew our whole story and is also a BH and a WH), and they both gave the green light. I asked him after the fact if he wished I'd done anything differently and he said no. He thought the timing of our anniversary was perfect and he really liked that it was a surprise. The fact that I went out of my way to do all the work to arrange it all made him feel special as well as the "you broke it, you fix it" element. That said, I wouldn't necessarily recommend the route that I took for every couple. It did work for us though.

 

jnel - I'm really glad to hear that reading my story gave you some insight into where your husband was coming from in some way. This forum can really be a great resource for both sides. Obviously it's not for everyone though.

[nofool4u]

I am looking for another job. It's hard to find a comparable one where I am and in this economy though.

 

Understood, but you never quit looking. There shouldn't be a week pass by that you aren't applying to somewhere new. I wonder how your husband puts up with you still working at the same place as him.

 

I have a question out of pure curiosity. If you found out he confided in another woman after your betrayed him, how would you handle it?

[Snowflower]

Thank you for responding to my concerns in the spirit they were intended! It speaks well of you and for your reconcilation that you are able to answer the difficult posts without defensiveness.

 

So many WS will come here and post about their situation and get defensive where there are hard questions or comments. I always wonder how those defensive WS respond to the hard questions from their own BS in real life.

 

However, I don't see this in your posts so I am hopeful!

 

Reconciliation is a long, tough road, the likes of which are often underestimated by both the WS and the BS. I hope you and your H have the strength to make it through!

 

Best of luck to you and your H in your reconcilation!

[leonine]

I have a question out of pure curiosity. If you found out he confided in another woman after your betrayed him, how would you handle it?

 

We both have friends of both genders, so he has confided to a couple of women about our situation. I know both of them though and I'm not threatened by this.

 

If you're asking about him having some sort of inappropriate relationship and how I would feel about that, well obviously that wouldn't make me happy. Hopefully we could work through it though.

[nofool4u]

If you're asking about him having some sort of inappropriate relationship and how I would feel about that, well obviously that wouldn't make me happy. Hopefully we could work through it though.

 

Yes, that is more to the point that if you found out if he became close and had an inappropriate relationship with someone else as a result of what you did.

 

Reason I ask is I have seen people on here that have been forgiven for cheating, but when the SO found comfort with someone else, the original cheater thinks that shouldn't be forgiven because there was some kind of understanding after the first cheating episode.

[leonine]

Yes, that is more to the point that if you found out if he became close and had an inappropriate relationship with someone else as a result of what you did.

 

Reason I ask is I have seen people on here that have been forgiven for cheating, but when the SO found comfort with someone else, the original cheater thinks that shouldn't be forgiven because there was some kind of understanding after the first cheating episode.

 

First off, if he chose to have an inappropriate relationship with someone, that would be no more my fault than my affair was his fault. I would hope that after all that we have been through in the aftermath that we've both learned how horrible this can be and that it should be avoided at all costs. At the same time though, I certainly can understand how it can happen.

 

My willingness to forgive would largely depend on his attitude and actions taken to end it.