Men, Long Distance, and Cheating

[NoMoreJerks]

Anyway, this is supposed to be a general thread, not a thread dedicated solely to my situation.

 

I was hoping to hear from some men on this issue of LDR and cheating.

 

Is it really that hard to keep it in your pants when you don't get sex from your gf very often? I am not even sure if it's different for men and women... as a woman, sure, I might feel very horny but I am also loyal and wouldn't even "check out" other men when I am in a relationship with a guy......

 

Do you check out other women a lot, flirt with them, feel tempted to sleep with them, etc?

[NoMoreJerks]

Are you serious? He threatens you with a break-up whenever you voice your unhappiness? Really..? Don't you see what he's doing? That is a way of getting you completely under his control. It's emotional blackmail. So he can do whatever he wants to do whenever he feels like it because he knows he just needs to threaten you and you'll do whatever he wants. That's a great relationship, I must say. For him, at least.

Now, I suggest he stays wherever he is in April and you go and get yourself a man, a real man. Someone who cares and someone who doesn't blackmail you, woman. Have some dignity, seriously!!

Yeah -- well, his standard line so far has been : "I don't need this stress/drama"..... basically = I don't need a relationship, at least not a real one... a pseudo one might be ok, if I can get sex in return... but anyway, aside from this latest incident with the weird behaviour last night and telling me he bought prostitutes drinks, he has not said anything nasty / control freakish so far..

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not a man, but my husband's worked out of town for many days of each month the whole time I've known him, including while we were "dating," which happened very infrequently.

 

He NEVER went into bars, clubs, much less places where prostitutes hang out. Of course I would not choose a man who would frequent prostitute hot spots. If he did, my interest in him would have been immediately extinguished. But HE, all on his own, believes in keeping himself out of places where circumstances exist that could undermine our relationship.

 

That is what I believe a good person, who is committed to doing his or her best in a relationship, does.

 

NMJ, after this I'm bowing out of your situation, but I need to tell you that this man is NO GOOD FOR YOU. He is NOT your boyfriend. NO serious, exclusive boyfriend (unless in an open relationship) hangs out in prostitute haunts, buying them drinks. I am well travelled and believe me, there is NO need to hang out in such places in Turkey or even in Thailand. He is in them because he is INTO THEM. He is the kind of man who hangs around in prostitute bars. That is a particular kind of man. NOT "boyfriend material."

 

I am not going to be happy when you get crushed … again. I am going to be very sad for you. But I won't be able to think badly of this guy, or to see you as a victim of anyone but yourself.

 

Why are you being so unrealistic? You could save yourself SO much pain.

 

Best.

[xxoo]

What are the benefits of having me as his gf?! It's not like we see each other every day and we have sex.... maybe spending time with me online (on Skype) when he's all alone and stuck in his hotel room in Turkey, but that's pretty much it....

 

He gets your attention, the ego boost, the thrill of winning you back, maybe even the satisfaction of manipulating you.

 

He gets you loyal to him.

 

You'll go crazy trying to figure out why he does what he does. It doesn't matter. What matters is: he does it.

[AngrySpider]

I'm a guy...who is quite obsessed with sex.

 

But I know how to keep it in a relationship.Yes,it's difficult not being able to have sex with a LD girlfriend.Doesn't mean that I would specifically set out to find it wherever I am.I wouldn't punish my girlfriend for being so far away.Reasons being:(1)I'm just faithful by nature,(2)I knew exactly what I was getting into when entering an LDR.There's a period of waiting until that time comes to be physically close.If I didn't think that I could control my hormones,I wouldn't be interested in an exclusive relationship with someone so far away.

 

You know when a man loves a woman? When he'll wait for sex (Mind you,he won't wait forever but he will wait longer than what a guy who is all about sex will).Been there,done that...

 

By the way NMJ,I happen to be Canadian as well

[NoMoreJerks]

AngrySpider, thank you! That is a really helpful insight. I completely understand that people feel horny, etc. That's why I try to keep it interesting / spice it up, even over long distance.. I flirt with him all the time when we talk online, etc. But it never seems to be enough... It's almost as if the more I do that, the more he feels like I'm teasing him and gets sexually frustrated because he can't do anything. Seriously? Oh well... I guess some people really can't keep it in their pants...

 

Which makes me chuckle, because a guy who keeps getting frustrated because I'm not with him to have sex with him, claims to have not done anything in the past 2 years especially on multiple trips to Thailand (every 3 months or so).... Yeah right!!! There just is no way that anyone can take trips to a country like Thailand once every 3 months, and not get up to something there.... It doesn't make any sense...

 

Anyway, he texted me this morning, saying that he turned on his phone and the app we use to text mssg was working now... and he said "speak later".. That's pretty much all I've gotten from him all day... I told him we might be snowed in tonight, and he managed a meagre "omg be careful." ok..............

 

The thing is, I am trying real hard not to lose my sh*t at his odd behaviour which came out of the blue, and tell him the same sh*t he accused me of last time (moodiness, etc.).. in fact, last time he broke up with me and accused me of being moody, HE had been doing the same thing he is doing right now.... acting really odd and moody.

 

I'm just gonna wait and see what happens. If he keeps this up, then it's game over.. the only thing is that I feel guilty for having cost him a plane ticket... if we end up splitting before he comes in April.. I feel like I pushed him to book his flight in advance, and then broke up with him.. THough he did say that he wants to book it in advance, so that his company can't find excuses and send him off on a work trip in April which is when he wanted to take a vacation.. At the end of the day I know I should think of myself and my needs, and for once be selfish, but I just feel really bad about the money that will go to waste.. or maybe that's just an excuse my subconscious is coming up with, to justify staying with him..?

Edited February 8, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm a guy...who is quite obsessed with sex.

 

But I know how to keep it in a relationship.Yes,it's difficult not being able to have sex with a LD girlfriend.Doesn't mean that I would specifically set out to find it wherever I am.I wouldn't punish my girlfriend for being so far away.Reasons being:(1)I'm just faithful by nature,(2)I knew exactly what I was getting into when entering an LDR.There's a period of waiting until that time comes to be physically close.If I didn't think that I could control my hormones,I wouldn't be interested in an exclusive relationship with someone so far away.

 

You know when a man loves a woman? When he'll wait for sex (Mind you,he won't wait forever but he will wait longer than what a guy who is all about sex will).Been there,done that...

 

By the way NMJ,I happen to be Canadian as well

One more question: do you keep on reassuring your gf in a LDR that you are not going off and doing stuff with other women / hookers? Like, my bf (or whatever the hell he is at this point) keeps saying (without me even having brought up the topic of cheating) that "of course, i'm not doing anything with them", but I am wondering if that is just guilty conscience speaking, or if he might just be honest that he's not getting up to anything? I know it's bad enough that he goes to these seedy places and buys prostitutes drinks -- and he does it because he enjoys doing it -- but could it be that this is all he gets up to? I don't know. But I think that regardless , it's bad enough that he enjoys spending time with them, even if he doesn't do anything with them.... and that he finds nothing wrong with telling me about it... hardly respectful of the woman you are with....

 

Also, yay for one more Canadian on the forum!!

 

On another note,I have a severe case of arachnophobia...

Edited February 8, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

He just texted me the following:

 

"need drinks tonight. shouldnt' be back too late, will try you on skype later sexy lady. going to bar next to hilton, full of whores lol, my co-worker wants to perv. don't worry, i am a good boy."

 

He then went on to give more reasons why he's going to that bar instead of the hotel bar / lounge.. Claims it's "got moody lighting, good music, and nice drinks. And not too expensive..." Yeah...... not too expensive? But to make up for it, he buys prostitutes drinks all night long?

 

Really? OK. I am sseriously fed up this time, after that mssg.

 

Oh, and he just called me.. I think he realized that I'm pissed off .

 

He told me that since this is the last week before he goes home, things are very stressful at work.... so he might be unable to talk to me very long in the evenings..... but he's not doing night shifts, so I don't see why not? Unless he 's just gonna spend his last week going out to bars and flirting / drinking with prostitutes. Anyway, every time he mentioned the prostitutes on the phone and justified why he was going there (coworker wants to) I didn't say anything. I think my silence speaks volumes. I was giving off a kinda different/unhappy vibe, and he realizes it. He's not stupid. But I leave the ball in his court. if he prefers his whores to me, to the point where he puts me on hold just to go out and look at them, then he shouldn't be coming to see me in April. And if he can afford wasting $100 on buying prostitutes drinks every night, he can afford throwing away that ticket money. Also, his co-worker is a 50 year old man who calls his wife every day, and doesn't seem to be the type of guy to suggest going out to bars to perv.....

Edited February 8, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Anela]

Well, apparently, prostitutes hanging out in bars is a big thing in Thailand, and he told me he hangs out with prostitutes and ladyboys, just drinks with them and plays pool with them in Thailand...

 

Right... well, the guy who told me that he was approached over there, but of course he hadn't obliged - even said that all of the attention was annoying - ended up admitting that he got to talking with two of them, that each time they approached *him*, and they really liked him, so he went ahead and slept with them.

 

The sooner you cut contact with him, the better. Seriously. I would have been better off had I not heard the above, and just left him in the past. I came out of one of those half-sleeps, three years ago, with something in my head saying that he was insignificant in the grand scheme of things (smart part of my brain), but then I felt it was safe to talk to him when he contacted me - STUPID!!! not even friends, just say goodbye. This guy was shy, had a good job, seemed to be on the up-and-up, and I liked him - and then the bitterness came out and he sounds just like this guy. He was no good for me! If I'd let him go before, when I was feeling good, I doubt I'd be feeling like **** now. I'd like to see better for you.

 

My Dad was away for two weeks, three years ago. He called my mother at least twice a day, and stayed in the motel room that he was forced to share with another guy on the same work trip, ordering pizza, watching movies, and that was it.

 

He gets your attention, the ego boost, the thrill of winning you back, maybe even the satisfaction of manipulating you.

 

He gets you loyal to him.

 

You'll go crazy trying to figure out why he does what he does. It doesn't matter. What matters is: he does it.

 

Yep. And this other guy had me thinking that I was crazy, and whenever I called him on certain things, he wouldn't want to talk about his crap because it was in the past and he was all about being in the now , but would happily insult me and drag things up. He kept contacting me because he needed the attention, especially if he thought I was doing just fine without his attention. He needed to crush someone else, in order to feel like he mattered. You feel those strong feelings for him, so he must be worth something.

 

This makes me so ANGRY. I hate guys like this. I do. I used to be so sweet, and optimistic, but my confidence was iffy, depending on the situation. I get crushed, and he gets to "fall in love for the first time in years", although I think she got smart and kicked him out.

[NoMoreJerks]

I really wanted to be proven wrong about him, and all the bad things I had said about him on this forum... but sadly, I think I was right. Oh well, live and learn...

[ana0pera]

NMJ it's time to cut your losses. Just tell him that you hope he has fun with the prostitutes and that you don't want to see him in April, or ever again. then delete him and block him out of your life and move on.

 

Sorry that this happened, but trust your gut. This guy is a waste of your time.

[NoMoreJerks]

The funny thing is that he just texted me and said that he wasn't going out because his friend bailed on him... on some flimsy excuse that the weather was bad.... Which convinces me that it wasn't his friend who had suggested going out to that prostitute bar to "perv"..... his friend was probably just coming up with an excuse to bail out, after he felt obliged to say yes on the spot... Anyway, whatever, I am just going to ignore him. Now he's so upset because he couldn't go out... he said he should do some paperwork but can't be bothered... He said I guess I'm gonna call it a night... Didn't even suggest talking to me. OK, whatever, dude. It's either perving w/ prostitutes or bust. I guess that says a lot about how far up (or rather, down) I am on his priority list...

[NoMoreJerks]

Right... well, the guy who told me that he was approached over there, but of course he hadn't obliged - even said that all of the attention was annoying - ended up admitting that he got to talking with two of them, that each time they approached *him*, and they really liked him, so he went ahead and slept with them.

 

The sooner you cut contact with him, the better. Seriously. I would have been better off had I not heard the above, and just left him in the past. I came out of one of those half-sleeps, three years ago, with something in my head saying that he was insignificant in the grand scheme of things (smart part of my brain), but then I felt it was safe to talk to him when he contacted me - STUPID!!! not even friends, just say goodbye. This guy was shy, had a good job, seemed to be on the up-and-up, and I liked him - and then the bitterness came out and he sounds just like this guy. He was no good for me! If I'd let him go before, when I was feeling good, I doubt I'd be feeling like **** now. I'd like to see better for you.

 

My Dad was away for two weeks, three years ago. He called my mother at least twice a day, and stayed in the motel room that he was forced to share with another guy on the same work trip, ordering pizza, watching movies, and that was it.

 

 

 

Yep. And this other guy had me thinking that I was crazy, and whenever I called him on certain things, he wouldn't want to talk about his crap because it was in the past and he was all about being in the now , but would happily insult me and drag things up. He kept contacting me because he needed the attention, especially if he thought I was doing just fine without his attention. He needed to crush someone else, in order to feel like he mattered. You feel those strong feelings for him, so he must be worth something.

 

This makes me so ANGRY. I hate guys like this. I do. I used to be so sweet, and optimistic, but my confidence was iffy, depending on the situation. I get crushed, and he gets to "fall in love for the first time in years", although I think she got smart and kicked him out.

So sorry you had to go through that. Mine said that he liked the attention he got from the prostitutes in Thailand, that they were all over him when he walked on the streets, trying to drag him into bars, etc., but that he told them he didn't want to have sex.. He claimed he went to a massage parlour and got a massage from 2 women, but didn't get the "happy ending" or whatever it is they call it. etc. But he readily admitted he liked their attention. And let's face it, it's only particular areas of Thai cities where this stuff can happen -- areas that are geared towards foreigners, where prostitutes are all over the place.. if he was there in the first place, the prostitutes "didn't come to him" , after all.... he went to them... I love how they assume we are so stupid..

 

Mine texted me after breaking up -- checking up on me.I suspect it wasn't because he was concerned about how I was doing... he wanted to see where my head was at, if I was doing ok without him, etc. Because I didn't chase after him / beg him, etc. Oh well... at this point, this pattern has become so predictable.... I could tell something was up last night.... and I had my explanation today when he texted me. So predictable. Oh well, at least it makes me feel good about the fact that it turned out I was not paranoid after all.... my suspicions were not misplaced, etc.

Edited February 8, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[HeavenOrHell]

Men don't necessarily have a higher sex drive than their female partner, me and my partner's sex drives are about the same. He actually seems to deal better with the distance than I do when it comes to sex, he wouldn't cheat any more than I would, the last thing he'd do is see a hooker, it's not his style, and it's me he wants sex with, not a stranger, so it would be pointless.

Even when he and his ex seemed very emotionally bonded still and shared a bed to sleep in when she stayed over, (long story but he was upfront about this) I still never thought he'd cheat, just not the type to do it, he's too much of a considerate, compassionate person with a big conscience, he's not a liar or a cheat, so it just wouldn't happen, and he wouldn't need or want sex while he's happy with our sex life, even if we only meet every other month, or every few months, you keep things going even when you're apart, not saying your partner isn't happy with you, just trying to explain how things are for me and my partner.

My gut feeling is my partner wouldn't cheat, he's not into ONS anyway, if your gut feeling is that your partner would cheat then maybe you are with the wrong person?

 

OK, I know this might be stereotyping men, but we all have heard the usual line (mostly from men, ironically) that men have a higher sex drive than women, need sex more often, etc.

 

So I was wondering how men deal with long distance relationships, which are very long distance (Europe/North American for example)? Does it mean that they will cheat / go see hookers? I mean, I can't imagine cheating on my guy even though we're doing long distance, but I am not so sure that he might not cheat / see a hooker...?

 

I don't really have trust issues per se -- my major problem with my bf is that after 2 break-ups I *do* hesitate to believe everything he says, and also, I am highly vigilant when it comes to strange behaviours...

 

Today was one of those times that I wondered whether he was with someone. He is currently working in Turkey, so the only person he'd probably be with, would be a prostitute, because I think women in Turkey (even in westernized parts of it) are pretty conservative / might not have premarital sex, etc.

 

Anyway, he claimed last night that he was going out with his (guy) friend, and that they were gonna get very drunk... He did not text me today until about 2pm his time (the day after he was supposed to go out drinking)... He then texted me about 4 hours later, at about 6 pm his time, and claimed he was "still at work", but the location of the texts (on the app) were the location of his hotel..... then, I think he realized that he had forgotten to untick the location option, and turned off his phone, because he was scared that I might have realized it and gone off on him... when I sent him mssges on that app, he did not get them (it said "sent", but not "delivered")... then he got on Skype much later in the day (an hour ago), and we talked for a bit... I asked him what had happened to that app, and why he wasn't receiving my mssges -- he claimed the app had acted weird and that he had turned off his phone as a result...

 

Now, granted, all this may have in fact happened... but.... I am suspicious. This is very suspicious behaviour...

 

I don't know how to deal with this..

 

Women who are reading this thread: how do u deal with situations when there are enough grounds for suspicion? Do you not say anything -- let it go the first couple of times? Do you say something right away? What do you say, without sounding too paranoid/crazy?

 

I mean, it is possible that the location shown by the app was wrong, that he was really at work but that the app had instead put the location he had last mssged me from (the hotel)... but what are the odds?

 

There is a lot I am willing to put up with -- his crappy behaviour with me thus far, including 2 break-ups so far initiated by him -- but cheating is NOT one of them. There is no way I can stay with a guy who has cheated. I have a strong feeling that he was with someone, but I have no evidence -- only some clues, which may or may not be due to a malfunctioning app. Am I being too paranoid?

[HeavenOrHell]

No partner/couple in an LDR should need to keep reassuring their partner they're not having sex with other people, it's not something you'd feel you have to to do in trusting, loving r/ship.

 

Would you rather he didn't tell you he was going to these places and having drinks with these women?

 

I think most people would not be happy if their partner, male or female, was going to seedy places and having drinks with prostitutes.

 

Maybe he's lonely but would never have sex with these women, but why can't he just hang out with friends instead?

 

 

One more question: do you keep on reassuring your gf in a LDR that you are not going off and doing stuff with other women / hookers? Like, my bf (or whatever the hell he is at this point) keeps saying (without me even having brought up the topic of cheating) that "of course, i'm not doing anything with them", but I am wondering if that is just guilty conscience speaking, or if he might just be honest that he's not getting up to anything? I know it's bad enough that he goes to these seedy places and buys prostitutes drinks -- and he does it because he enjoys doing it -- but could it be that this is all he gets up to? I don't know. But I think that regardless , it's bad enough that he enjoys spending time with them, even if he doesn't do anything with them.... and that he finds nothing wrong with telling me about it... hardly respectful of the woman you are with....

 

Also, yay for one more Canadian on the forum!!

 

On another note,I have a severe case of arachnophobia...

[AngrySpider]

AngrySpider, thank you! That is a really helpful insight. I completely understand that people feel horny, etc. That's why I try to keep it interesting / spice it up, even over long distance.. I flirt with him all the time when we talk online, etc. But it never seems to be enough... It's almost as if the more I do that, the more he feels like I'm teasing him and gets sexually frustrated because he can't do anything. Seriously? Oh well... I guess some people really can't keep it in their pants...

 

You're very welcome for the insight While most of us guys are hormonally programmed to be sexually driven creatures,not all of us are about carving notches into our bed posts or compiling a list with the names of numerous women that we slept with into a little "black book."

 

All you can do is try to make yourself enticing by being flirtatious and spicy.In my case,my girl and I would engage in very sultry and sexy talk (more so in the beginning stages..that talk has dwindled as has communication between us in general.) To my recollection,she is the only female that I've been involved with who's turned me on to the point where I've physically trembled.That being said,I could have taken all of that sexual energy that was coarsing through me like jolts of electricity out on someone in closer geographical proximity to me.But it just made me want my girl even more.Sleeping with someone in my city just would have been like winning a silver medal to me...second-best...and I wanted gold (pardon the Olympic analogy.) Yes,it was like a tease because I couldn't act upon all of the love and attraction that I had for her right away.But I knew that,if we ever had the chance to meet face-to-face,she was gonna get it good! We're talking some serious pyrotechnics BOOM! POW! ZING!

 

Ummm,anyway....

 

Please don't get creeped out by what I'm about to say,NMJ.Speaking on a strictly hypothetical basis,if you and I were involved in an LDR,being flirty and dishing out red-hot spice is exactly what someone like me wants.Of course,I'm just a sucker for that type of attention.Even if you are x number of miles away (or maybe I should say the more Canadian-friendly metric measurement of kilometers),it wouldn't matter because you would be showing me interest.People get horny but we all know that there are ways to "relieve the tension" that don't involve stepping outside of an exclusive relationship. Besides,some of the most mind-blowing sex happens as a result of a lengthy buildup to it.There's an intrinsic thrill in the waiting and anticipating.Once that magical moment arrives...well,let me just say that "magical" would definitely be the operative word here.

 

Here's the thing.With some people,it isn't going to matter whether you are local or long-distance to them.Some people just enjoy juggling multiple partners.These are clearly the ones who should stay single because it saves a whole ton of trouble all the way around.Then you have people like me who are loyal to a fault and respect the relationships that we're in regardless of whether physical gratification can be met right away or in a few months' time.You can only do your best in putting yourself out there for your guy.You can use your feminine wiles to seduce the heck out of him and send him the strongest signals possible across that freak-uency but it's up to him to receive them and do what he will with that information.And let me just state that it has nothing to do with you doing something wrong.Real guys love when their women pay such attention to them like that.It makes us feel not only wanted and/or needed but it does well in making us feel "manly."

 

One more question: do you keep on reassuring your gf in a LDR that you are not going off and doing stuff with other women / hookers? Like, my bf (or whatever the hell he is at this point) keeps saying (without me even having brought up the topic of cheating) that "of course, i'm not doing anything with them", but I am wondering if that is just guilty conscience speaking, or if he might just be honest that he's not getting up to anything? I know it's bad enough that he goes to these seedy places and buys prostitutes drinks -- and he does it because he enjoys doing it -- but could it be that this is all he gets up to? I don't know. But I think that regardless , it's bad enough that he enjoys spending time with them, even if he doesn't do anything with them.... and that he finds nothing wrong with telling me about it... hardly respectful of the woman you are with....

 

Also, yay for one more Canadian on the forum!!

 

On another note,I have a severe case of arachnophobia...

 

In the early stages of my relationship,I did have to do some reassuring.I never had a problem with that.Over time,I had often spilled my guts and bared my soul to her with respect to how I felt about her.I did this all the while being faithful to her.Often times,I said things of my own volition and continuously reinforced to her that I loved her,that I want to be with her,and that she's beautiful. Lately,I'm the one that needs reassuring.The communication between us has been lousy and it's been a week since she and I last spoke :/

 

I can't speak for your guy in that sense.I do find it somewhat perplexing that he would be forthcoming about attending these establishments.I think if that were me,I'd be keeping that on the QT...especially if I were engaging in some indiscretions that I shouldn't be engaging in.It would effectively prevent me from being cast into a haze of suspicion.He kind of threw himself under the bus by admitting that to you in the first place.Obviously,the best way to avoid all conflict and suspicion is to stay the hell out of places that are like red-light districts surrounded by four walls.But I can't answer with any degree of certainty whether there's a guilty conscience on his end that compels him to reassure you voluntarily that there's nothing going on when he's in these places.The thing is,if he is indeed up to more than just forking out $100 at a time to buy drinks for these prostitutes-which is bad enough in itself-it can be questioned whether he has conscientiousness to begin with.Going to bars or clubs is not wrong,provided that whoever's going is only doing so to get their drink and their dance on.There were a few times when my girl went out and got drunk but would message me off-and-on while she was there and after the night ended.(in fact,there was one instance where she messaged me saying that she was leaving because "lads ruin it.") I've gone out and got hammered a few times as well.I didn't go with dubious intentions in mind.But in the case of your guy,it sounds like he's deiberately throwing himself into situations where temptation is present rather than to avoid them outright.No matter whether the relationship is local or long-distance,it's a recipe for disaster.But it's more so in an LDR situation.

 

I know that I have a tendency to type out long-winded and wordy posts/responses here but I do have something to say about your situation,NMJ.I may have my own personal issues with the female half of the species but a so-called man who spends so much as one red cent on a hooker is treating his woman with complete and utter disrespect.Hopefully,for your sake,he hasn't paid for anything above and beyond drinks because that could very well pose a risk to your own health and well-being.I would NEVER do that to any woman that I'm with.There is no going out to "perv" and there definitely is no buying drinks for other women-prostitute or not.In fact,I would sooner put the money aside to go see my girlfriend than to dump it on some sleazy rent-a-whore who's chief concern is using sex to bilk men of all the cash in their wallets.It's like the old 1980's-era anti-drug slogan,when approached by one of these women,your guy should "just say no." Like I said,I'm obsessed with sex.There's rarely a moment that goes by where I'm not "hot and bothered." My thought process is usually like one long porno flick.But,when it's been established that a relationship that I'm in is mutually exclusive,my girl is the sole person who enjoys those physical benefits..whether she's under the same roof as me or across the ocean.I know how sickening a sensation it is to learn that you've shared (not by consent) your significant other with someone else.I know the hurt of someone else's cheating all too well,unfortunately.I wouldn't shell out that kind of emotional pain and suffering on someone I'm with.If it means that I have to stay at a hotel while I'm abroad and have cybersex with my sweetheart,I'd sooner do that than pursue the real thing with someone who's entertained thousands of men before me.No thanks.

I guess that's where the upper extension of my brain trumps the head in my drawers.

 

I would personally like to pimp slap your guy,not only for doing a disservice to his fellow males but for the disrespect he's shown to a woman who clearly loves him.

 

How 'bout this lousy Canadian weather,eh?

[ana0pera]

Here is a sort of related question that I just thought of after reading something in AngrySpider's post.

 

Let's say you're in an LDR w/ two high sex drive people, and that the relationship very sexually gratifying even though actual physical contact is minimal due to the distance. But all of a sudden, the sexual intimacy (cyber sex, dirty emails, phone sex, photos, etc) stop and when one partner tries to start that up again the other partner quickly changes the subject.

 

Some people will say that there has been a change in sex drive. Others will say that the partner who does not want to engage in this type of behavior has cheated and feels guilty. Still others might have a different explanation. What do you all think regarding this type of scenario?

[NoMoreJerks]

No partner/couple in an LDR should need to keep reassuring their partner they're not having sex with other people, it's not something you'd feel you have to to do in trusting, loving r/ship.

 

Would you rather he didn't tell you he was going to these places and having drinks with these women?

 

I think most people would not be happy if their partner, male or female, was going to seedy places and having drinks with prostitutes.

 

Maybe he's lonely but would never have sex with these women, but why can't he just hang out with friends instead?

Well, the problem is that he is in a foreign country, on a work trip... he stays in a hotel for 5 weeks at a time... he usually is either by himself on the trip, or has 1 or 2 co-workers staying in the same hotel. I can understand the desire to go out -- I'd be pretty miserable if I stayed in every day for 5 weeks, because I work til 6pm and then I can't go out because there's no one to go out with or I don't know the city well enough to go out at night , or whatever.. Also, it depends on the personality of the co-workers.. if they are loners, my bf would pretty much be by himself.. if they are more outgoing/bar-frequenting types, they'd go out, etc. My guess is, the guy he's with right now, is an older guy who is married and prefers to stay in and watch a movie or talk to his wife.. that leaves my bf pretty much all alone, and he wouldnt' go out if he's by himself... (like tonight, he didn't go out by himself).

 

I can sort of understand (partly) where he's coming from, though at the same time ,that doesn't excuse flirting with or buying prostitutes drinks...still, i think living in a strange country where the culture is so different and men is all u see day in day out (even in pubs, coffee shops, etc.), can be a pretty depressing experience. I can sorta relate (though not when it comes to not seeing people of the opposite sex -- it wouldn't really bother me in the least), since I've lived in a foreign country for 2 months (eastern europe), didn't speak the language, and didn't have any friends there... the first month or so was very tough and depressing.

[AngrySpider]

Here is a sort of related question that I just thought of after reading something in AngrySpider's post.

 

Let's say you're in an LDR w/ two high sex drive people, and that the relationship very sexually gratifying even though actual physical contact is minimal due to the distance. But all of a sudden, the sexual intimacy (cyber sex, dirty emails, phone sex, photos, etc) stop and when one partner tries to start that up again the other partner quickly changes the subject.

 

Some people will say that there has been a change in sex drive. Others will say that the partner who does not want to engage in this type of behavior has cheated and feels guilty. Still others might have a different explanation. What do you all think regarding this type of scenario?

 

In my particular situation,she was quite flirty and dirty for about the first four months of the relationship.But then it dropped off when she got a full-time job.I went from receiving responses from her that showed a receptiveness to that type of talk to getting a lot of tongue-faced emoticons.Perhaps with her,she was just working a lot (so she said anyway) and was too tired to be in that mood with me.But I also did wonder whether she was getting that physical contact from someone else and therefore didn't really need to be cybering much with me.(Even though she has insisted that she's "not a cheat" and would never do something like to me.)

 

I can't say for sure because I'm not a female but it seems that there are some whose sex drive can fluctuate from high to low and that it could be anything from stress to a hormonal change that causes it.But I would need some women to give me some insight on this.

 

Perhaps it might seem like I'm gender-bashing here and please don't take it that way.It seems that there are a lot of cases where females come off as being these ultra-horny sex kittens in the beginning stages of a relationship but then suddenly "cool down" after a while when they've pretty much "got their man." I've seen this happen often in my own experience as well as in the experiences of other guys that I know.By no means do I believe that this happens 100% of the time nor will I say that the gradual simmering of that sex drive is done deliberately by women,especially considering what I said above about things like stress,hormonal change,etc. I do know well enough that chicks have an easier time in flipping that on-off switch to their libido than guys do.In most of my relationships,after a few months of practically nonstop sex...I went from being a sexually satisfied dude to a very angry AngrySpider because I wasn't gettin' much.Quite frustrating,indeed.

 

However,as much as it can be questioned why someone goes from piping hot to practically frigid,there's a reverse side of the coin.If someone is always hot and bothered,couldn't that be a cause for concern as well? While they may be cyberf*cking your brains out and sending you more provocative photos than can be found in a stack of Hustler magazines,there may be that possibility that they're going to end up going to somebody to at least extinguish that all-consuming fire for the moment.One of my ex-girlfriends-a local-was quite fond of sex.The longest cold spell that she had was two weeks.Heh..problem was,even though I was getting laid quite often,she had a penchant for cheating Just introducing another school of thought into the mix.

[ana0pera]

Perhaps it might seem like I'm gender-bashing here and please don't take it that way.It seems that there are a lot of cases where females come off as being these ultra-horny sex kittens in the beginning stages of a relationship but then suddenly "cool down" after a while when they've pretty much "got their man." I've seen this happen often in my own experience as well as in the experiences of other guys that I know.By no means do I believe that this happens 100% of the time nor will I say that the gradual simmering of that sex drive is done deliberately by women,especially considering what I said above about things like stress,hormonal change,etc. I do know well enough that chicks have an easier time in flipping that on-off switch to their libido than guys do.In most of my relationships,after a few months of practically nonstop sex...I went from being a sexually satisfied dude to a very angry AngrySpider because I wasn't gettin' much.Quite frustrating,indeed.

 

Thanks for the perspective AngrySpider. Do you think that a guy might cool-down for the same reasons that I quoted you as saying above regarding females? Or would it be more likely due to something else?

 

It is definitely a cause for concern, IMO, if you are in an LDR and have a partner that is constantly horny. Some people are weak when it comes to foregoing physical intimacy/flirting and even if in their heart they want to be with the person in an LDR, the virtuality of the relationship isn't enough to satisfy their sexual desires. they want their cake and they want to eat it too. And in an LDR there is so much trust that is easy to betray...if you cheat it is likely that your partner isn't going to find out. It is easy to take advantage and be taken advantage of.

[NoMoreJerks]

Thanks for the perspective AngrySpider. Do you think that a guy might cool-down for the same reasons that I quoted you as saying above regarding females? Or would it be more likely due to something else?

 

It is definitely a cause for concern, IMO, if you are in an LDR and have a partner that is constantly horny. Some people are weak when it comes to foregoing physical intimacy/flirting and even if in their heart they want to be with the person in an LDR, the virtuality of the relationship isn't enough to satisfy their sexual desires. they want their cake and they want to eat it too. And in an LDR there is so much trust that is easy to betray...if you cheat it is likely that your partner isn't going to find out. It is easy to take advantage and be taken advantage of.

I agree with this.

 

This describes my bf to a t, I think... Mine is constantly horny.. And I feel like I have to constantly talk about sex in order to keep his attention , otherwise he'd get bored / disinterested in me. I am ok with sexting or sending intimate pictures, but when that is considered to be just teasing / not good enough to keep him away from the temptation to flirt with / do stuff with prostitutes or other chicks (on the contrary, get him even more frustrated and wanting to do something), there is a problem... Today, in the phone call my bf made after he realized I might be upset because of what he said about going out to that prostitution bar, he said something along those lines" you know, it's nice to see women sometimes, just watch them , etc. Sometimes they pass by and brush against us, and that can be nice for a change." I didn't know what to say... Really? He thinks it hot that a prostitute who has probably slept with 3 men already that night, brushes against him? More so than an intimate picture from me, or constant sexting, telling him the stuff i wanna do with him when he comes here, etc.?

 

I mean, I don't know - is it possible that someone who really has a very high sex drive, cannot keep it in his pants, even if he might care about the girl who he's having a LDR with? Or does the fact that he can't overcome/control his sex drive mean that he doesn't care about her in the first place?

Edited February 9, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[AngrySpider]

Thanks for the perspective AngrySpider. Do you think that a guy might cool-down for the same reasons that I quoted you as saying above regarding females? Or would it be more likely due to something else?

 

It surely works both ways.Certainly,not all males are consistently in "sex mode." Could be an issue with testoserone,stress,and something else which came to mind just moments ago that could play a crucial role in someone-male or female-cooling down.

 

Someone's sex drive can be hampered by mental issues such as depression and another possibility could be whether someone has started to take a particular type of medication with sexual side effects.If someone is in a poor state of mental health,it will inevitably affect them physically.Being no stranger to depression/anxiety issues,that would be the most likely reason why I would personally cool down.

 

It is definitely a cause for concern, IMO, if you are in an LDR and have a partner that is constantly horny. Some people are weak when it comes to foregoing physical intimacy/flirting and even if in their heart they want to be with the person in an LDR, the virtuality of the relationship isn't enough to satisfy their sexual desires. they want their cake and they want to eat it too. And in an LDR there is so much trust that is easy to betray...if you cheat it is likely that your partner isn't going to find out. It is easy to take advantage and be taken advantage of.

 

Such a tough call.I mean,someone whose libido does a perfect pin drop from the top of Mount Everest to the bottom of the Marianas Trench,it could definitely be questioned whether their sex drive has cooled with just you or if they aren't feeling too frisky in general.Again,speaking personally,if I'm coasting in first gear with my significant other,chances are that I'm not going to suddenly go into fifth gear with someone else.When I do have one of those once in a blue moon occasions,it's across-the-board with no exceptions.But then again,even though it sounds like I'm contradicting my own point in my previous post,a person could be quite turned on but it may also be as a result of what type of effect that you specifically have on them.It just all depends.

 

Sadly,you're right.Some people do want their cake and to eat it too.In reality,it seems to be pointless to carry on with someone in a relationship hundreds or thousands of miles away if one has attractive options readily available to them in their own community.I really do believe that there are a lot of people who get involved in LDRs because-even if they're exquisitely beautiful or dashingly handsome-they aren't getting what they're looking for on a local level.I guess that there are others who enjoy spending oodles of money to cross international boundaries and get a few stamps on their passport for the sake of having a long-distance booty call.Seems kinda silly to me if they've got options more close at hand.I do think though-whether a relationship is local or long-distance-a horny person is going to mess around regardless of whether you can give them that type of attention or not.A cheater is a cheater.

[AngrySpider]

NoMoreJerks...just wanted to respond to a few things that you said.I must say that I do find this conversation to be enjoyable and I'm in one of those wordy,chatty moods tonight

 

This describes my bf to a t, I think... Mine is constantly horny.. And I feel like I have to constantly talk about sex in order to keep his attention , otherwise he'd get bored / disinterested in me. I am ok with sexting or sending intimate pictures, but when that is considered to be just teasing / not good enough to keep him away from the temptation to flirt with / do stuff with prostitutes or other chicks (on the contrary, get him even more frustrated and wanting to do something), there is a problem

 

I will admit,from a male point of view,that I enjoy dialogue that regularly incorporates sex into it.It's my favorite subject of discussion.If there's that flirtation and naughtiness that's being shown on a steady basis,not only will such attention be generously reciprocated on my end,but it makes the statement "She's obviously attracted to and interested in me or else she wouldn't be getting all seductive like that." If you weren't initiating anything in the way of sex with your guy and you expected him to be interested in stuff like what you had for breakfast yesterday morning to a movie that you watched which made you bawl your eyes out,I could see why his interest would start to wane.Understandably,it shouldn't always be about sex and you shouldn't have to feel that pressure to keep things spicy in order to hold his attention.There has to be a good balance between the sexual and the nonsexual.I thoroughly enjoyed the sexual talk with my girl but some of the most memorable conversations between us had absolutely nothing to do with that subject.I'll concede that I do miss the hot conversations and it sort of upsets me that she would allow that aspect of our relationship to fall by the wayside.Nonetheless,when we do talk,I enjoy every moment of it and I've always found it exciting to get to know her outside of the realm of sex.He should be doing the same.

 

If someone,like your guy,has a problem with being "teased" by their long-distance partner,they have NO right to complain.They knew what they were getting into beforehand.There are two solutions:Suck it up and wait or don't bother getting into the LDR.Okay,maybe there's a third solution.If they do want to get into an LDR with someone but still want to enjoy having physical contact with someone in their vicinity,find someone who is kosher with having an open relationship.My,what a novel idea!!

 

Today, in the phone call my bf made after he realized I might be upset because of what he said about going out to that prostitution bar, he said something along those lines" you know, it's nice to see women sometimes, just watch them , etc. Sometimes they pass by and brush against us, and that can be nice for a change." I didn't know what to say... Really?

 

Hell,I'm not in your shoes-or whatever other footwear you might have on right now-and I'm asking the same thing.Really?! There's nothing wrong with looking at members of the opposite sex.The only time when someone isn't going to is if they're in a vegetative state or they're laying in their coffin.I think your guy is going way to far.I'll give him credit for his honesty but at the same time,I'd like to give him a good hard smack up the back of his head.These are not things that a man should be saying to his girlfriend.This is where I allow the devil inside of me out to play.Might I make a suggestion?

 

Far be it for me to tell you what you should do in one way or the other with your guy.Obviously you love him and love often makes us more tolerant to people's BS than we might otherwise be had we not made an emotional investment in them.Here's my suggestion.Next time you talk to him,say something like this:

 

"I accidentally bumped in to this guy yesterday while I was out at the (insert preferred place here and your activity at such place).I must say that he was cute and he smelled incredibly good! I have no idea what he was wearing but his scent was almost intoxicating.He was well-built too.It was actually nice to bump into him,to feel a man like that brushing against me....." Let's see how he reacts.If he wants to say stupid sh*t like what he did,take a good shot at his ego with brass knuckles on,girl! I'm really not a fan of childish games or tit-for-tat stuff but this dude's got it comin'.

 

He thinks it hot that a prostitute who has probably slept with 3 men already that night, brushes against him? More so than an intimate picture from me, or constant sexting, telling him the stuff i wanna do with him when he comes here, etc.?

 

That's got to be one of the worst feelings in the world to have.Here you are,baring all and doing your best to entice a man from afar only to wind up being in a no-win situation.Like I said,real men would love the attention that you give to this guy.It seems like-if you do send him intimate things-he uses it to justify his interactions with trashy women.And if you don't keep things sexual with him,he sees it that you're not interested in him and he uses that to justify his interactions with trashy women.Catch-22.

 

I mean, I don't know - is it possible that someone who really has a very high sex drive, cannot keep it in his pants, even if he might care about the girl who he's having a LDR with? Or does the fact that he can't overcome/control his sex drive mean that he doesn't care about her in the first place?

 

I can only speculate on what might be going through his mind because I wasn't equipped with that retarded type of programming.(Sorry if I'm coming across too harsh here.I can surely empathize with you.) Maybe I should use my own ability to be faithful to someone as a starting point when venturing guesses about how someone like your guy operates.When a person truly cares for another human being in the context of an intimate relationship,they just won't tread into the waters that your boyfriend does.Maybe it might make a difference if the two of you were able to close that distance between you.But it still doesn't guarantee that he won't pull the same stunts.I have done a lot of reading about LDRs and it really is something to see how many people who are involved in them would not even think of being unfaithful.I'm not saying that your guy is being unfaithful but I think that there are a lot of people in LDRs who won't do what he has done...high sex drive or not.They care enough about their partners to wait it out.

[NoMoreJerks]

AngrySpider, brilliant posts. Will reply to them later, since I am a bit busy at the moment with work.

 

Just an update, though: this morning he had promised to talk to me tonight, but he just mssged me , and said: "going for a beer or two, celebrate last weekend here, and have tomorrow off to recover. Speak later if I'm not too drunk. My friend arrives [in the country] at midnight, so it could turn nasty..."

 

Yeah, so much for talking to me.... whatever.... and what is "it could turn nasty" supposed to mean? Jesus, he sounds like an 18 year old.

 

Also,because he told me he was stressed about work (this being his last week there), this morning when I texted him, I told him not to get too stressed about work, because I was sure he could do a great job and finish on time.. he then texted me and said that he was not stressed about work, that he just had a bad day yesterday because he couldn't go out (the perving thing).. Yeah, ok, so he contradicted himself and showed that his odd behaviour is pretty much the result of him wanting to perv but not having the chance to...

 

Anyway, whatever, too busy and stressed with my work , to give much of a sh*t about his behaviour..

 

Will have to give your suggestion (telling him a guy brushed against me) a try, though. haha. I know what his reaction is gonna be, though. He's gonna get mad and accuse me of playing mind games... of course, when HE says similar stuff, it's not mind games... or unacceptable....

Edited February 9, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[xxoo]

Will have to give your suggestion (telling him a guy brushed against me) a try, though. haha. I know what his reaction is gonna be, though. He's gonna get mad and accuse me of playing mind games... of course, when HE says similar stuff, it's not mind games... or unacceptable....

 

It would be playing mind games, since you'd be doing it intentionally to provoke a reaction.

 

He, on the other hand, is showing his true nature.

 

Take another look at your screen name. Why are you wasting time and energy on this guy?