Men, Long Distance, and Cheating

[NoMoreJerks]

He, on the other hand, is showing his true nature.

Is he, though? He could also be playing mind games. He has shown that he enjoys making me insecure and manipulating me like that.. to get me to do stuff I would otherwise not do.. So it's not necessarily true that he is not playing mind games... and "his true nature" might be that he is a manipulator...

 

The only way to win a game with a manipulator is... not to play it.. Which is why I haven't even stooped to his level and said what AngrySpider suggested I say.. but sometimes I feel very bitter and I'd like to get the satisfaction of getting him to feel the same way he makes me feel... give him a taste of his own medicine.. sure, that won't change him, if that's who he is.. but at least he will feel it on his own skin what it's like to act the way he's acting.

Edited February 9, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Anela]

Is he, though? He could also be playing mind games. He has shown that he enjoys making me insecure and manipulating me like that.. to get me to do stuff I would otherwise not do.. So it's not necessarily true that he is not playing mind games... and "his true nature" might be that he is a manipulator...

 

The only way to win a game with a manipulator is... not to play it.. Which is why I haven't even stooped to his level and said what AngrySpider suggested I say.. but sometimes I feel very bitter and I'd like to get the satisfaction of getting him to feel the same way he makes me feel... give him a taste of his own medicine.. sure, that won't change him, if that's who he is.. but at least he will feel it on his own skin what it's like to act the way he's acting.

 

You would do that if you left him behind, though.

 

I know someone who was in love with a guy (or very into him), maybe four years ago. That was until he ruined her birthday, partly by telling her friends that he wanted to be a rich playboy. He also hit on at least one of her friends. She left him behind, tried online dating, stopped online dating - after being disappointed and/or creeped out by the guys she met, and eventually met her current boyfriend when she was involved in a sport, after competing in that sport, they would go to a bar and spend time socializing, and they just sort of happened.

 

She's now *very* happy with her current boyfriend. He's only ever been good to her, and they're both head-over-heels. What has happened since she left this other guy behind and didn't look back? He was contacting her frequently at first, and now he contacts her every so often, as though he's hoping she isn't happy with her guy - he's trying to rekindle something, and she's just creeped out. She thinks he's pathetic.

 

As I said, the guy I mentioned always got in touch with me, within days or weeks, especially if he thought I was doing just fine not talking to him (and I was!). He wasn't satisfied until he crushed me. I really haven't been the same since, although I've had moments - especially one night of total clarity two years ago, in which I was walking around, venting to my mother about the douches that have been sent my way - mainly him. He had just threatened to kill himself if he didn't have support for his purpose, and then told me that I'd better not try to jump on the bandwagon and make out that I'd had a hand in his success, if what he was doing took off (it didn't).

[xxoo]

Is he, though? He could also be playing mind games. He has shown that he enjoys making me insecure and manipulating me like that.. to get me to do stuff I would otherwise not do.. So it's not necessarily true that he is not playing mind games... and "his true nature" might be that he is a manipulator....

 

Exactly. Your attempt to manipulate a response would be you "playing games". For him, that is how he normally functions in relationships.

 

You can't win by engaging him. Living well (without him!) is the best revenge.

[NoMoreJerks]

Exactly. Your attempt to manipulate a response would be you "playing games". For him, that is how he normally functions in relationships.

 

You can't win by engaging him. Living well (without him!) is the best revenge.

Yes, well, that would be rich coming from him, though... the accusation, that is.... he is ALL about playing mind games... to then demand that others would not do that to him, is the epitome of hypocrisy and entitlement. I don't think he is entitled to not being treated the same way that he treats others. Maybe until now all the women he's been with made him feel entitled to special treatment, but I do think that he should be slapped with his own type of behaviour and see how he likes it. It's pathetic and disgusting -- it's narcissistic behaviour, and I was hoping to be proven wrong about my accusations that he is a narcissist, but sadly, I think I was right the first time around. I really think I should devalue myself in his eyes so much that he will not yo-yo back into my life again. Telling him that stuff would probably not only piss him off beyond repair, it would also give me an immense sense of satisfaction for the way he has treated me so far.That said, I find it hard to do it, for the same reasons that I have not done it thus far... it's just not the way I roll... But maybe I SHOULD be more of a bitch with him, and give him a piece of my mind.

[xxoo]

Telling him that stuff would probably not only piss him off beyond repair, it would also give me an immense sense of satisfaction for the way he has treated me so far.

 

Maybe. But probably not.

 

People like this often disappoint by not reacting as you expect them too. It is very unlikely that you will get the satisfaction you desire through engaging him.

 

Silence is powerful, though. Denying him the attention he craves will drive him nuts. MOre importantly, if you end contact with him, YOU will move past him.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, I am going to stop contacting him until , at the very least, he gets back to the UK. He just called me . It took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting it. I thought he would've gone out by now (it's 10:30pm there), but he told me they had just had some drinks in the hotel lounge and were going out in an hour or so (at about 11:30pm)..... said they're gonna stay out til the early hours... his friend is joining them after he lands there at midnight.. He asked me what I was up to , asked me if I was going out tonight, etc. I said I didn't think so, since I had work to do.. I think he was paranoid that I was upset... well, good. He then told me that he will be with me soon, etc. Guilty conscience speaking, I think. And then said that he won't be talking much to me over the next week cos he wants to enjoy his last week there, to take away the stress... And he claimed that he will be going out to the movies tomorrow with one of his co-workers... (after staying out all night long and getting hung over? yeah right).. and going to a movie theatre in a strange country where the movie is not even in English? Bullsh*t galore. He's probably gonna be in bed with some whore or some girl he meets, and doesn't want me to bother them. Yeah, whatever. Enjoy your whores, *sshole. I am gonna ignore him until he shows me proper respect.

[xxoo]

I am gonna ignore him until he shows me proper respect.

 

In that case, you don't plan on ever speaking to him again?

 

Perfect!

 

I really am sorry that this relationship isn't what you hoped it would be. It must hurt a lot. I encourage you to find some healthier outlets for that pain than engaging him.

[NoMoreJerks]

In that case, you don't plan on ever speaking to him again?

If that is what it means, sure. I am not expecting him not to go out and drink with his friends, but what he's said so far is far more than that. It's hanging out with whores, if not sleeping with them. I can't accept that, and I don't think anyone with an ounce of self-respect would either.

[AngrySpider]

NoMoreJerks....

 

There's no pressure to respond to my posts.People get busy with stuff so it's perfectly understandable.But I do appreciate you acknowledging my brilliance

 

Anywho.I don't expect you to go with my suggestion.You can take it or tell me to give myself a proctology exam with it...lol.Like I said,I'm not usually keen on playing childish games or resorting to tit-for-tat but some people really do require a dose of their own medicine to at least have an idea of how their actions affect others.It may not give them a sudden epiphany that makes them change their ways because they "saw the light," but it feels pretty damn good to see them sporting your shoes on their feet for a few brief,but satisfying,moments.This guy definitely deserves to have the tables turned on him though.It's hypocritical of him to expect that you be a loyal girlfriend who's madly in love with him and tolerant of what he's pulling while he basically gives himself carte blanche to act in whichever way he so chooses without regard for your feelings.I'll admit that my suggestion was sort of fuelled by a strong personal disdain for those who habitually break "the golden rule" of treating others in a way which they would want to be treated.Playing mind games may not be as mature or sensible as ignoring him or telling him outright that what he's doing is unacceptable.There's more than one approach to this situation.If ignoring him drives him bananas,do it.You at least take some control over the situation that way.He holds all the cards if you communicate with him regularly and be that naughty girl that he wants you to be.He's the one that's in control of the relationship and you're more of a subordinate to him than the equal partner that you should be.Yes,telling him to hit the bricks would be the best way to send the message to him that he doesn't have the God-given or self-appointed right to do unto you whatever he sees fit to do.But I understand where you're coming from,NMJ.As much as he's hurting you,the love is there and you'd sooner stick around to see if the leopard's going to change its spots than to wash your hands clean of him and feel like you've wasted time and emotion.

[NoMoreJerks]

AngrySpider, we dodged the blizzard here in Quebec. I'm guessing you didn't?

 

Your posts really capture how I feel about the whole situation and his hypocrisy. Don't worry, I take no offense in what you say about him -- I've said worse things about him and I still stand by those... I think he's just too safe in the knowledge that I'll be around no matter what he does, so he basically treats me like a doormat and doesn't even make an effort to show me any respect. Oh well, anyway. I really can't be bothered with him anymore. I am too emotionally drained right now, been trying to work on my dissertation project and having too many problems with that, and I would really have appreciated it if he stood by me or at least asked me every now and then how I was doing on that (he only asked once, last week), and if he were supportive of me, etc. Instead, he makes me feel down, stresses me out, etc. I don't need this. This is not what love is supposed to feel like. People who are in a serious relationship are more mature than this. He is acting like an 3 year old kid who sees a candy bar.I don't need a man whose maturity does not exceed the length of his d*ck.

[NoMoreJerks]

He just called me... 4:30 am there... said he just gotten back to his hotel, he was kinda tipsy.. but able to talk. Said they had gone to that "normal" pub (no prostitutes), which has a live band -- he and his 2 co-workers had some drinks, then his friend was tired (since he had just landed in the city), and they went to grab some food then took the cab back to the hotel. OK, fair enough....but just this one is fine... the other stuff he had told me -- big no-nos..

 

I asked him what movie he was gonna go see, since he had told me about going to see a movie, and he said his co-worker wanted to see that movie Mama (horror movie).. but he said it was possible that they might not see it after all, since his co-worker might change his mind after all, as he usuall does last minute.. I was kinda disappointed when he told me the name of the movie, cos I had told him I wanted to see that movie together when he came in April.. Guess he didn't pay attention to what I had said after all..

Edited February 10, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[LittleTiger]

NoMoreJerks how many more phone calls, posts or even threads is it going to take you to realise that this guy is a jerk?

 

Relationships are supposed to enrich your life and make you happy - there's not a lot of happiness or enriching going on in this one.

 

NoMoreJerks! please stand by your LS name and MOVE ON!!!

[AngrySpider]

Heh heh heh....southwest Ontario.....we weren't touched.But it has been cold and snowy a lot around my parts.

 

I do hate it when guys are advantageous of good-natured women.There are loving and affectionate dudes like me who would kill to be able to have that.I've been looking,literally,for half my life to find someone who won't just bail on me for someone else or treat me and my wants/needs with either partial or full contempt.At times.my latest girl seemed like a pleasant deviation from the norm and now I'm not sure because we haven't spoken for a while.I'm trying to stay positive about things and to not give up on her.But without launching into a take on my own personal situation,I completely understand where you're coming from.You want to stand by your man,even if he puts you through the wringer and exhausts you emotionally. I'm the same way with my girlfriends.You're absolutely right,love isn't supposed to make you feel down or stressed out.It should make you feel alive and well..like you're intoxicated without having touched a drop of alcohol.Love is the most beautiful,powerful,and yet complex emotion there is.But it can hurt like hell when it's given to the wrong person.As my girl once said,"it's always the good ones" who get hurt.

 

I don't know you but you seem to be a very good-natured,big-hearted,and well-intentioned person who's just trying to navigate their way through life,all the while wanting a "co-pilot" at the helm with you.Nothing wrong with that at all.Some people are content with being bachelors/bachelorettes,others like to be players,and there are those like us who would love to have someone to kiss,hug,and make love to because it's like food for the soul.If things don't work out with you and this guy,I hope karma comes along and takes a good chunk out of his ass with its teeth.Maybe he'll end up with someone who messes around on him left and right and takes him on an emotional roller coaster.Maybe he'll find an unscrupulous vixen who ends up feeding his big ego through the shredder.Maybe then...and only then..he'll think to himself just how much him frequenting seedy Turkish watering holes had hurt you.Maybe I'm giving him too much credit but anything is possible.Should he realize the error of his ways and want another chance with you,it might be too late by then.Someone will have scooped you up and subsequently made your current boyfriend nothing more than a mere afterthought.

 

In my own case,I know of at least one ex-girlfriend who holds at least somewhat of a flame for me.But her cheating ways blowed that chance completely.She was the first female that I ever dated and,no word of a lie,she was making out with her ex-boyfriend on her sofa before I called to ask her out and continued liplocking with him after the call was finished.Great way to start a relationship life,eh? Even though her cheating caused me great emotional and psychological damage,karma got to her because she lost out on having me.Oh well,c'est la vie.

 

I know that you'll sooner stick it out with this guy than you will to drop him like a hot potato.I'm not going to stand in judgment of that for the simple fact that you're in the sticky situation of feeling both strong love for someone else and self-respect.You love him for his redeeming qualities and his positive traits and you want to be loyal to him but you respect yourself enough to know that his less-than-ideal characteristics hinder the growth of your relationship and cause you a ton of grief and insecurity.People will say "jump ship..kick him to the curb...move on....you'll find someone better." Well,they're not necessarily wrong.But there is always the assumption that the next person who comes along will be better when,in all actuality,they could be worse.What do you do? You don't want to stay but you don't want to go.I get it.

 

But wouldn't you be mind-blown if you actually did bump into a well-built guy who smelled incredible?

[LittleTiger]

I know that you'll sooner stick it out with this guy than you will to drop him like a hot potato.I'm not going to stand in judgment of that for the simple fact that you're in the sticky situation of feeling both strong love for someone else and self-respect.You love him for his redeeming qualities and his positive traits and you want to be loyal to him but you respect yourself enough to know that his less-than-ideal characteristics hinder the growth of your relationship and cause you a ton of grief and insecurity.People will say "jump ship..kick him to the curb...move on....you'll find someone better." Well,they're not necessarily wrong.But there is always the assumption that the next person who comes along will be better when,in all actuality,they could be worse.What do you do? You don't want to stay but you don't want to go.I get it

 

I have no doubt your words are well intentioned AngrySpider but there is never a situation where staying in a bad relationship is better than being alone. Especially where self respect is concerned. Anyone with self respect will not allow a partner to treat them badly. Nobody ever has a right to treat us badly.

 

This guy is a jerk and if her next guy turns out to be a jerk too she needs to keep on moving.

 

NoMoreJerks, you might find it helpful to do a bit of soul searching and hopefully find out why the guys you keep choosing to be with are jerks. If you don't, this pattern will continue ad infinitum!

[NoMoreJerks]

I have no doubt your words are well intentioned AngrySpider but there is never a situation where staying in a bad relationship is better than being alone. Especially where self respect is concerned. Anyone with self respect will not allow a partner to treat them badly. Nobody ever has a right to treat us badly.

 

This guy is a jerk and if her next guy turns out to be a jerk too she needs to keep on moving.

 

NoMoreJerks, you might find it helpful to do a bit of soul searching and hopefully find out why the guys you keep choosing to be with are jerks. If you don't, this pattern will continue ad infinitum!

FYI , he's the first guy I've had a relationship with, so I don't see where you got that "pattern" from.

[NoMoreJerks]

I really think that deep down he has a lot of good qualities. But sometimes he can alternate between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I guess, and blow hot / cold, etc. I can sort of understand that stress / working abroad for extended periods of time , sometimes without any social life , etc., may contribute to his odd behaviour at times. That's not to excuse some of the stuff that he's said or done, though. He just told me that he didn't go out to see the movie with his co-workers, and that he had expected that they'd call him so that they could then go out for food and some drinks together, but they didn't -- instead they just went out and grabbed food together and left him out of the loop. He was pretty upset at that. I can totally understand. I felt so bad, talking to him on Skype, and him telling me he was all alone now, and didn't want to go out to grab food, was too depressed to be by himself, stuck in the hotel room. What's worse is that I have work to do, so I can't talk to him today. I felt really bad. I told him to go and grab food and drinks on his own, and he said he doesnt' want to go out drinking alone, because all the bars near the hotel are full of prositutes and they would be all over him all night long if he went alone. And he can't go anywhere far, because he has to drive back and so can't drink much because of that. Luckily, he only has a few more days to stay there, and he'll be back home for at least a week.. phew. I feel like his stressful situation, especially near the end of his work trips (where he's already pretty tired/stressed) really does affect our communication/relationship. but this time, he's been dealing with it much better, and I've been dealing with it much better as well.. With much better communication. I don't know... *sigh* I feel really bad about the situation he's in.

[LittleTiger]

FYI , he's the first guy I've had a relationship with, so I don't see where you got that "pattern" from.

 

I apologise for making an incorrect assumption which was based on your LS username - NoMoreJerks. It does suggest quite strongly that you have experience with jerks (plural) in the past.

 

If that name was chosen based only on your current relationship then please let me reassure you - most men are not like your boyfriend. You can, and most likely will, find someone much better - but you have to end this relationship before that can happen.

[NoMoreJerks]

See - this is the problem: I am too nice. Here I was, sitting at home worrying about how depressed / lonely / crappy he must be feeling, and lo and behold, the following happens:

 

So apparently he sorted out the "fallout" with his co-workers.. He said they are now going out to that bar near the hotel (prostitute bar) for 1 beer, then coming back. He also said he had a "funny" story to tell me tomorrow... Then he called me and told me the "funny" story: said that his 55yearoldish co-worker wanted to have a "date" on Valentine's day (even though he is married and talks to his wife every day? the same guy who my bf claimed wanted to go to the prostitute bar and perv )... so he's seeing some woman he knows in the city, for dinner.. He then asked my bf who he is going out with... My ex said oh no no don't mind me, I'll stay in my room, it's my last day before my flight back to the UK. The co-workers then apparently insisted that he can't do that, that he has to have a date on V-day. So then they set him up on a dinner date with this woman who is my bf's age (40ish), who works in Turkey as well... she owns a house in the city, and is apparently very rich. Anyway, he supposedly accepted because "I couldn't turn it down" -- he called it a "pseudo" date.. Great... my bf going on a date on Valentine's day with some other woman... Plus, why didn't he tell them that he has a gf? That goes to show that his co-workers don't even know he has a gf.. not that it's any of their business to know, but he could've at least told them because he didn't want to go on the "date"...

 

Whatever. This is just getting plain disrespectful, to be honest.

 

Last week, when I brought up Valentine's day, and said I wish I were with him on V-day , so that we could spend a nice time together and have some nice "sexy times", he completely ignored my comment. Like, completely, as if I had not said it...

 

Now he cares about Valentine's Day so much? and he is going on a date with some other woman...? Claims it wasn't he who wanted it... he's apparently going against his will... yeah right... And this is supposed to be a "funny" story... Funny for whom? For him, maybe, because he gets to have his cake and eat it too...

 

I would not be surprised if he suggested it himself.

[xxoo]

How much more will it take before you stop answering his calls?

[NoMoreJerks]

And here I was, turning down my friends' invitation to go to a Valentine's Day singles bash. Whatever, I'm going. I'm single as of the minute he told me about his Valentine's Day date.

 

The thing is, I didn't even know what to say on the phone , when he told me that. It's not something you'd expect someone would have the balls to tell his gf. I just managed a "Yeah, OK." Anyway, I am going with my gfs, to a Valentine's Day event, I just confirmed to them.

Edited February 10, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[pettie]

How much more will it take before you stop answering his calls?

 

Seriously. When?

At this point, you are going through this because of your very own choice.

 

Get some self respect. Block him forever.

 

You deserve MUCH better than this.

[NoMoreJerks]

I apologise for making an incorrect assumption which was based on your LS username - NoMoreJerks. It does suggest quite strongly that you have experience with jerks (plural) in the past.

 

If that name was chosen based only on your current relationship then please let me reassure you - most men are not like your boyfriend. You can, and most likely will, find someone much better - but you have to end this relationship before that can happen.

Well, yes, I think one jerk was more than enough... You can see the sh*t I am dealing with, with this guy... it's some "out there" stuff... Ah well. No more jerks.

[NoMoreJerks]

I don't "need" or "want" a boyfriend. I'm perfectly fine by myself. I'd rather be stress-free than be with a douchebag just for the sake of being in a "relationship". So quit with all the accusations of me wanting drama. I started this thread because I wanted to get men's perspective on how they deal with horniness when they are in a LDR, because I wasn't sure if this is what was happening or if he was just a plain old JERK.

 

Anyway, back on my ignore list you go.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, AngrySpider, I don't believe in karma -- I thnik he's already been hit before (or so he claims), and supposedly that's made him the way he is right now (or maybe he was dumped because he pulled the same sh*t on his gfs -- but I'll never know the full story; I only know his side of those stories). I wish life were more fair, and that people who treat others so poorly as this guy has been treating me, despite the fact that I gave him all the love, attention, etc. that anyone can give someone, would get what they deserve, but life doesn't work that way. Sure enough, he will get some nasty STDs if he keeps going around and getting whores into his bed... but that's not because there is any fairness to life -- just that it's statistically likely that he will at some point. Apparently, 40% of all prostitutes in Turkey (mostly from Eastern Europe) have STDs.

 

He called me and said that he was really drunk, that he had gone to 3 bars with his co-workers, and that there were so many prostitutes in the bars and on the streets who were all over him and touching him on the thigh, etc. But that he had brought none of them back to his hotel. Why keep telling me this? My friend's theory is that he is trying to put me in my place, and show me that I am just a number , to get in line for the privilege of his attention, etc. I don't know what he's trying to do, or what's on his mind. Whatever it is, though, it can't be anything good. He also said that we need to figure out this distance thing, that I should go see him or we should go somewhere together, because after he comes to see me in April, if we don't see each other for a long time, then that's not gonna work out.. Really? So he's basically telling me that I unless I pay ****loads of money to buy a ticket to the UK in the summer (which is more expensive than in April), and keep on dishing out ****loads of money on plane tickets (he makes more money than I do, and he saves ****loads of money because he gets per diem as well, which he doesn't spend -- and he can afford 4 trips to Thailand per year, so can definitely afford to come see me), we should end things, because he needs to see prostitutes and have sex? OK, dude, whatever you say. Why don't you come to Canada in April and stay in a hotel by yourself and enjoy some Quebec whores as well? Whatever. I don't care anymore. I can't even say I feel hurt. He proved to me what a sh*tty person he is, after I gave him yet another chance (third chance) , even though he never even apologized. But if that's what he wants to do with his life, travel around for work and f*ck whores in every city for ****loads of money (for a few hrs of attention in total), rather than someone who cares deeply for him, and would like to work on closing the distance soon , all the more power to him and may he enjoy his sexual escapades. I have a feeling he is itching to go to Thailand and that is the problem. So unless I go see him , he wants to pay to go to Thailand instead of coming to see me. Fine, enjoy the Thai whores, *******. And he wants us BOTH to go to Thailand together? Really ? What am I, a millionaire? Put in TWICE the money, that he could instead spend on making TWO trips to my city to see me for over a month? Again, enjoy your whores, *******. I have NOT met a man this sick/disgusting. And let me tell you, I have come across some pretty creepy ones. None as creepy as this guy. Then he kept telling me he'd like to meet my dad. What? Are you insane? No way is he meeting my dad. Not unless he gets his f*cking act together. What's the f*cking point anyway? I keep telling him to get his act togetehr and ask to relocate here. It's not easy but he can do it. His mate did it, because he met a girl while he was on a work trip to my city -- same company, etc. It CAN be done. The question is: does he wanna do it? He prefers being alone, stuck in some sh*tty corner of the world, going to some sleazy bars to get some attention from whores? OK, some people just have different priorities in life, I guess. We are just oceans apart in terms of life priorities. I am wasting my time on this guy. Other decent blokes would move across continents just to be with their girl. I deserve that kind of treatment, not some ******* of a "bf" telling me every night about his run-ins with prostitutes. Are you for f*cking real? I mean, what the f*ck is he doing? What is he trying to do? Does he even realize what he is doing? I don't get it. Is there some strategy/logic to what he is doing? I don't get it.

 

He's getting worse. He's acting SO sleazy it's creeping me out. WTF? Get a grip, dude, seriously! I get it that you might be horny, or lonely, or want some attention, but this is just beyond creepy!

[xxoo]

What is he trying to do?

 

He's seeing just how horribly he can mistreat you, and still have you come back for more. Because he is just that irresistible to you. What an ego rush for him.

 

And you keep answering his calls.