Men, Long Distance, and Cheating

[xxoo]

He calls me every day. Sometimes twice a day. And this is on top of texts on and off during the day. He also calls me after coming home from drinking (which would mean he's not with another woman -- unless it was a 1 hr prostitute I guess, and he called me up after she left?). The only exception was yesterday, which admittedly was pretty weird and annoying (especially that it happened to be V-Day and he had told me he had been set up on a date). He tells me stuff like, he expects me not to do anything with another man (which I assume also applies to him not doing anything with another woman). We talk a lot on Skype (most days). He texts me as soon he lands at the airport, etc. He tells me he wants to cook for me (he does, when we are together).

 

And then he does all that crappy stuff.

 

He's nice some times, can be sweet, and he's a real jerk a lot of the time.

 

Why is that mixed signals? Why not just: mostly a jerk, but nice sometimes? Do you think he might actually be a good guy, but having trouble showing it or something? Good is as good does.

 

Look up the cycle of abuse. They have to be nice sometimes (honeymoon periods) or else no one would stay with them.

Edited February 15, 2013 by xxoo

[HeavenOrHell]

It's a lot more fun and fulfilling if you take out all the crappy stuff you've mentioned about him.

Don't be his puppet, seriously, you deserve better.

 

 

 

 

He calls me every day. Sometimes twice a day. And this is on top of texts on and off during the day. He also calls me after coming home from drinking (which would mean he's not with another woman -- unless it was a 1 hr prostitute I guess, and he called me up after she left?). The only exception was yesterday, which admittedly was pretty weird and annoying (especially that it happened to be V-Day and he had told me he had been set up on a date). He tells me stuff like, he expects me not to do anything with another man (which I assume also applies to him not doing anything with another woman). We talk a lot on Skype (most days). He texts me as soon he lands at the airport, etc. He tells me he wants to cook for me (he does, when we are together).

 

And then he does all that crappy stuff.

[MyPoutine]

Thanks MyPoutine and Xinreeki. It means a lot that people share their experiences and show understanding of my situation. I do think that eventually, I will not stick around, but for now, I'm just taking a wait and see approach.

 

MyPoutine, are you from Quebec by any chance?

 

No problem NMJ, I know from my own experience that no amount of logic will "click" until you decide you've had enough so just go through the motions, eventually you will walk away hopefully not too scathed.

 

I used to live in Montreal actually but I moved not too long ago but I'm not Quebecoise Are you from Qc?

[NoMoreJerks]

No problem NMJ, I know from my own experience that no amount of logic will "click" until you decide you've had enough so just go through the motions, eventually you will walk away hopefully not too scathed.

 

I used to live in Montreal actually but I moved not too long ago but I'm not Quebecoise Are you from Qc?

YAYYYYYY!! Someone who has lived in Montreal!!! Oui je suis Quebecoise !!! I live in Montreal.

 

Yeah, I know that it will click at some point. I know that right now, I am not emotionally ready to just shut him out. I wan to take a wait and see approach, for a bit longer.

 

Whereabouts are u now, if i may ask?

Edited February 16, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[LittleTiger]

Yeah, I know that it will click at some point. I know that right now, I am not emotionally ready to just shut him out. I wan to take a wait and see approach, for a bit longer.

 

NMJ, I get it, I really do. You see a glimmer of hope and that, for some reason, is enough to keep you hanging on - been there, done that, worn the t-shirt.

 

But think about it - what are you 'waiting to see'?

 

He has shown you, and continues to show you - daily - who he is. He even shows you that he has no respect for you and couldn't care less about your feelings.

 

The longer you wait, the longer you will be miserable - and you clearly are miserable. You wouldn't post here constantly if you were happy!

[NoMoreJerks]

We talked for 4 hours on Skype last night. All went fine. This is just an update for the "benefit" of those hoping against hope that this wouldn't work out so that they would get some satisfaction out of it.

 

 

The main thing that is probably going to get us to part ways is probably the distance. If he were here all the time, things could be very different. He did bring up the possibility, but we'll see.

[NoMoreJerks]

He's nice some times, can be sweet, and he's a real jerk a lot of the time.

 

Why is that mixed signals? Why not just: mostly a jerk, but nice sometimes? Do you think he might actually be a good guy, but having trouble showing it or something? Good is as good does.

 

Look up the cycle of abuse. They have to be nice sometimes (honeymoon periods) or else no one would stay with them.

Call it what you want -- on&off jerk behaviour or mixed signals, or whatever. That's just battling semantics. The point is that he is very nice at least 75% of the time. It might not seem like it, but I do post more about the crappy stuff he does than about the nice stuff he does, because, well, that's what you do when you are looking for advice -- no one would look for advice when their bf is acting so nice and normal.

 

I know about the cycle of abuse. It's the blow hot/cold routine, and yes, that's what I've called it before. I'd like to see the cold minimized, and it has been, since our last break-up. So far so good, for the most part. We have been on very good terms for the most part, and contrary to his previous behaviours, he has called me every day. In the past he used to call me once a week, if that. And even that used to feel like a chore, and I almost had to nag him to get him to talk to me. Now, I no longer nag him, he calls me when/if he feels like it, and he calls every day.

[Anela]

We talked for 4 hours on Skype last night. All went fine. This is just an update for the "benefit" of those hoping against hope that this wouldn't work out so that they would get some satisfaction out of it.

 

 

Who would they hope for that? And for that reason?

 

Stay in the relationship if you want to, but please don't turn into my sister, and assume that the people who are concerned about you, aren't concerned for at least some good reason.

[xxoo]

It might not seem like it, but I do post more about the crappy stuff he does than about the nice stuff he does, because, well, that's what you do when you are looking for advice -- no one would look for advice when their bf is acting so nice and normal.

 

That's not true. Healthy couples still sometimes need advice, working through disagreements, finding solutions, understanding points of view, etc.

 

Don't minimize his cruel behavior. That "crappy stuff" is not part of any healthy relationship.

 

Don't assume that all relationships include this kind of stress and pain.

[NoMoreJerks]

Who would they hope for that? And for that reason?

 

Stay in the relationship if you want to, but please don't turn into my sister, and assume that the people who are concerned about you, aren't concerned for at least some good reason.

I won't say more other than this: ego boost. Being proven right does wonders to the ego, I hear.

[NoMoreJerks]

That's not true. Healthy couples still sometimes need advice, working through disagreements, finding solutions, understanding points of view, etc.

 

Don't minimize his cruel behavior. That "crappy stuff" is not part of any healthy relationship.

 

Don't assume that all relationships include this kind of stress and pain.

Nope, never assumed anything of the sort. Again you jump to the wrong conclusion. If, from someone's perspective, their bf's behaviour is good/normal, and they have no problem with it, they would not post about it asking for advice -- it's the problematic stuff that they will mention. That was my point.

[Mme. Chaucer]

We talked for 4 hours on Skype last night. All went fine. This is just an update for the "benefit" of those hoping against hope that this wouldn't work out so that they would get some satisfaction out of it.

 

 

You're wrong about that. I don't think that a single person wishes for you to be hurt any further, and THAT is the reason for the lack of "support" you are receiving for keeping this situation afloat.

 

People, including me, would like to see the bleeding stop SO THAT YOU CAN MOVE TOWARDS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH A PERSON WHO WANTS THE SAME.

 

As long as you are indulging in this mess, that cannot be available for you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

……………………..

[xxoo]

Nope, never assumed anything of the sort. Again you jump to the wrong conclusion. If, from someone's perspective, their bf's behaviour is good/normal, and they have no problem with it, they would not post about it asking for advice -- it's the problematic stuff that they will mention. That was my point.

 

Your point is incorrect. People often ask for advice even when they understand that their partner's point of view is normal and healthy, but they are having trouble resolving a conflict. Conflict does not equal dysfunction.

 

I get no pleasure out of being right when I predict that someone is going to get hurt

[HeavenOrHell]

No-one here wants things to not work out for you, quite the opposite in fact, we have seen how unhappy you've been and just want you to be with someone who treats you well and makes you happy.

 

 

We talked for 4 hours on Skype last night. All went fine. This is just an update for the "benefit" of those hoping against hope that this wouldn't work out so that they would get some satisfaction out of it.

 

 

The main thing that is probably going to get us to part ways is probably the distance. If he were here all the time, things could be very different. He did bring up the possibility, but we'll see.

[HeavenOrHell]

There's a difference between struggling with the distance in a healthy, loving r/ship because you love each other so much that it hurts to be apart, to struggling in an LDR because you're not being treated well, most of your posts are about how unhappy he makes you, or you're wondering if he's cheated. Even in the countdown thread which is normally a positive thread, your posts are often about how you think he's cheating

 

No-one here wants to see you unhappy, we just think you deserve better.

I couldn't bear to be in a r/ship, long distance or not, if I thought he was capable of cheating or was doing things which he knew made me unhappy, ie hanging out with prostitutes, and if he did nothing to change those things if I asked him to. Those sorts of situations would not make me happy and I'd want out of it.

 

Please give yourself the chance to meet someone who treats you with respect and with whom you have no doubt that you can trust them, having complete trust and respect between each other is a wonderful thing.

Edited February 18, 2013 by HeavenOrHell

[LittleTiger]

I get no pleasure out of being right when I predict that someone is going to get hurt

 

Me neither!

 

NMJ, I would be delighted if this guy turned out to be Mr Wonderful and that all your anxiety and misery about him was completely unjustified (although that wouldn't bode well for your mental health of course!). It isn't going to happen though and you are the only one who can't see that.

 

The thing is, the people advising you on this thread are mostly mature women in stable relationships who have considerable experience of men and prior knowledge of the kind of guy you are calling your long distance boyfriend. None of us wants to see you get hurt but you are, quite clearly, already hurting.

 

Just because he chose to spend four hours talking with you on Skype does not suddenly make him a good, caring person who respects you and wants you to be happy. It doesn't suddenly mean that the relationship is 'good' or that it is working. It just means he had four hours to kill and you were his chosen option with which to kill them.

 

Just because he is nice to you 75% of the time does not make him 'good enough'. He should treat you with respect 100% of the time and you should demand nothing less. Have you talked to him about how he treats you? Have you told him how he makes you feel? If you have and he still hasn't changed his behaviour then, as difficult and as painful as it might be, you have to accept that he never will.

 

You can ask for all the advice you want on LS or any other forum, but it will never change who he is or how he treats you. You have already shown him over and over again that he can treat you badly and you will stick around. This is the relationship that you have CHOSEN! Nobody here can help you because you will not help yourself.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, I know he is not "Mr Wonderful", but I also know there is no such thing as a "Mr Wonderful" unless you catalogue-order him.

 

I am letting go of him, though. The straw that broke the camel's back was him saying a few things today (and yesterday) that really irritated me: 1)a while ago he said someone was coming over to get his boiler fixed; he then said, why can't it be a woman? ok...? 2) he said the guy he's going to work with in Turkey in a few weeks' time (he's going back) is a womanizer and can pick up women in bars so easily; when he said that, he seemed as excited as a dog would be when you mention "treats"... ok...? Guess he is hoping for a little bit of help in picking up chicks? 3) We had talked about me going to visit him in England over the summer -- but a while ago he said he was planning on going to Thailand in July/August. Just like that. Unilaterally. He said he was looking into Pattaya (which , of all the places in Thailand, you would go to ONLY if you're having sex with some Thai whores or want threesomes). He seemed to suggest that I might go with him, but the only reason he'd want me to go with him to Pattaya is if he wanted us to do a threesome with some cheap Thai prostitute. I asked him when he was booking his flights, and he said, in a month. OK, so no England, instead he would rather go to Pattaya solo and do stuff with whores. Got it. And there is no way I am spending a fortune going to a country I have no interest in going to. He can go alone, if that is what he wants. I am cancelling our April plans. He can either chuck his ticket to Canada into the toilet, or if he's lucky he'll exchange it for a ticket to STD-infested Pattaya. There just is no "planning" things with this guy. He just does the stuff that he wants to do, regardless. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, a relationship that is not a relationship, just some arrangement to make him feel like someone cares about him. I was right all along -- he is a narcissist. It's a shame to be proven right. I was hoping that I would be wrong.

Edited February 20, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[HeavenOrHell]

There are some Mr Wonderfuls, doesn't mean they're perfect, no-one is, but there are men who make you feel good about yourself, who make you feel loved and special, who wouldn't dream of cheating on you, or treating you like this guy does.

 

So glad you're letting go of him, good for you Leaves you free to meet someone who will treat you with respect.

 

 

Well, I know he is not "Mr Wonderful", but I also know there is no such thing as a "Mr Wonderful" unless you catalogue-order him.

 

I am letting go of him, though. The straw that broke the camel's back was him saying a few things today (and yesterday) that really irritated me: 1)a while ago he said someone was coming over to get his boiler fixed; he then said, why can't it be a woman? ok...? 2) he said the guy he's going to work with in Turkey in a few weeks' time (he's going back) is a womanizer and can pick up women in bars so easily; when he said that, he seemed as excited as a dog would be when you mention "treats"... ok...? Guess he is hoping for a little bit of help in picking up chicks? 3) We had talked about me going to visit him in England over the summer -- but a while ago he said he was planning on going to Thailand in July/August. Just like that. Unilaterally. He said he was looking into Pattaya (which , of all the places in Thailand, you would go to ONLY if you're having sex with some Thai whores or want threesomes). He seemed to suggest that I might go with him, but the only reason he'd want me to go with him to Pattaya is if he wanted us to do a threesome with some cheap Thai prostitute. I asked him when he was booking his flights, and he said, in a month. OK, so no England, instead he would rather go to Pattaya solo and do stuff with whores. Got it. And there is no way I am spending a fortune going to a country I have no interest in going to. He can go alone, if that is what he wants. I am cancelling our April plans. He can either chuck his ticket to Canada into the toilet, or if he's lucky he'll exchange it for a ticket to STD-infested Pattaya. There just is no "planning" things with this guy. He just does the stuff that he wants to do, regardless. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, a relationship that is not a relationship, just some arrangement to make him feel like someone cares about him. I was right all along -- he is a narcissist. It's a shame to be proven right. I was hoping that I would be wrong.

[Mme. Chaucer]

There is a universe between "Mr. Wonderful" and this:

 

. The straw that broke the camel's back was him saying a few things today (and yesterday) that really irritated me: 1)a while ago he said someone was coming over to get his boiler fixed; he then said, why can't it be a woman? ok...? 2) he said the guy he's going to work with in Turkey in a few weeks' time (he's going back) is a womanizer and can pick up women in bars so easily; when he said that, he seemed as excited as a dog would be when you mention "treats"... ok...? Guess he is hoping for a little bit of help in picking up chicks? 3) We had talked about me going to visit him in England over the summer -- but a while ago he said he was planning on going to Thailand in July/August. Just like that. Unilaterally. He said he was looking into Pattaya (which , of all the places in Thailand, you would go to ONLY if you're having sex with some Thai whores or want threesomes). He seemed to suggest that I might go with him, but the only reason he'd want me to go with him to Pattaya is if he wanted us to do a threesome with some cheap Thai prostitute. I asked him when he was booking his flights, and he said, in a month. OK, so no England, instead he would rather go to Pattaya solo and do stuff with whores. Got it. And there is no way I am spending a fortune going to a country I have no interest in going to. He can go alone, if that is what he wants. I am cancelling our April plans. He can either chuck his ticket to Canada into the toilet, or if he's lucky he'll exchange it for a ticket to STD-infested Pattaya. There just is no "planning" things with this guy. He just does the stuff that he wants to do, regardless. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, a relationship that is not a relationship, just some arrangement to make him feel like someone cares about him. I was right all along -- he is a narcissist. It's a shame to be proven right. I was hoping that I would be wrong.

 

Anyway, I assure you that there IS a such thing as "Mr. Wonderful." No, not a perfect person, but one who treats other people with honor, love and respect - particularly someone who has shown devotion to him like you've shown to this JERK.

 

Even if he did not feel the same way as you did, "Mr. Wonderful" would not say and do all these loathsome things.

 

Because he'd bee a better person than that.

 

Anyway, I am HAPPY you are letting go of this, and not in any way because I'm getting an ego boost out of it. Believe me, it does nothing for my ego at all. I just can't stand to see a person - especially a smart grown woman like yourself - choose to put themselves through a bunch of crap. EVERYBODY is worth more than that.

 

No more jerks, right? And don't let yourself forget that this guy IS who he IS - the identical fellow who tortured you about a threesome a few weeks or months after you met him. He's never changed, and if he does it will take a lot in HIS OWN LIFE to make it happen. If he speaks nicely to you, or is fun sexually for you, this does NOT mean he's changed.

 

Don't give up on a meeting a man who IS wonderful, though imperfect. Like we are. Ok?

 

Meanwhile good luck getting through your current academic requirements without the toxic crap from that man.

[NoMoreJerks]

HoH, I was never closed to the idea of meeting someone else. I knew HE was not taking me seriously, and I knew I couldn't afford wasting precious time with him, so I was always open to the idea of meeting someone new. I would've ended it with this guy if I met someone who seemed to be a reasonably good fit. That said, I really hoped things would work out between us, because I really was in love with him. But the things he's been doing and his bizarre behaviour have turned me off him. Now, the only reason I had stayed with him for so long after we got back together for the 3rd time, was the fact that he bought the ticket. I do think that he is using that as a weapon, because he "knows" I won't cancel our plans, now that he has booked it. He knows I'm too nice to do that to him. Now he thinks he has carte blanche to act like a d*ck and get away with it. Nope. Anyway, he shows time and again that he can't keep his d*ck in his pants. Even if he has done nothing with all these women he talks about, the fact that he even has to talk to me about them, shows me that he has no respect for me, and no control over his sexual impulses, which in turn makes me think that he has in fact done stuff with these women, if only to brag about it in front of his mates. He always had that thing, about how all his mates talk about having done a threesome, etc. He wants to tell them that he's done it too. It's all about bragging rights, I guess. Whatever. He can go brag about having done that with 2 whores... but I guess that won't be much to brag about in front of his mates, is it...?

[Drseussgrrl]

HoH, I was never closed to the idea of meeting someone else. I knew HE was not taking me seriously, and I knew I couldn't afford wasting precious time with him, so I was always open to the idea of meeting someone new. I would've ended it with this guy if I met someone who seemed to be a reasonably good fit. That said, I really hoped things would work out between us, because I really was in love with him. But the things he's been doing and his bizarre behaviour have turned me off him. Now, the only reason I had stayed with him for so long after we got back together for the 3rd time, was the fact that he bought the ticket. I do think that he is using that as a weapon, because he "knows" I won't cancel our plans, now that he has booked it. He knows I'm too nice to do that to him. Now he thinks he has carte blanche to act like a d*ck and get away with it. Nope. Anyway, he shows time and again that he can't keep his d*ck in his pants. Even if he has done nothing with all these women he talks about, the fact that he even has to talk to me about them, shows me that he has no respect for me, and no control over his sexual impulses, which in turn makes me think that he has in fact done stuff with these women, if only to brag about it in front of his mates. He always had that thing, about how all his mates talk about having done a threesome, etc. He wants to tell them that he's done it too. It's all about bragging rights, I guess. Whatever. He can go brag about having done that with 2 whores... but I guess that won't be much to brag about in front of his mates, is it...?

 

I haven't read any of this thread except for this one post by you.

 

I'm so appalled at the behavior that women put up with. NoMoreJerks I don't think you live up to your handle because you are, quite obviously, accepting BS behavior and posting on LS about it rather than booting this dude out of your life.

 

Can I ask how old you are?

[xxoo]

If he follows his established pattern, he'll turn on the charm when he sees you slipping away. Be prepared!

[NoMoreJerks]

I haven't read any of this thread except for this one post by you.

 

I'm so appalled at the behavior that women put up with. NoMoreJerks I don't think you live up to your handle because you are, quite obviously, accepting BS behavior and posting on LS about it rather than booting this dude out of your life.

 

Can I ask how old you are?

Turning 30 in a month. He was my first bf / sexual partner, for the record.

 

I only put up with this for so long because I cared about him and I wanted to believe he'd change. I also wasn't sure if MY expectations were too high, since I don't have anything to compare this to, this being my first relationship ever. It didn't help that he manipulated me so much and made me feel guilty for being too needy, clingy, etc. But now I know that I have not been clingy this last time that we got back together, and it has not improved his behaviour -- on the contrary, it seems to have gotten worse. Sometimes I feel like he gets satisfaction out of hurting a woman like that, with his words, telling her he is drooled over by other women, etc. It's like he hates women, but can't do without them/their attention. Doesn't help that he's a narcissist and is usually ignored by women (who are not prostitutes), which really angers him. He has said that, outright. So I think that explains his obsession with whores -- they are the only ones who pay attention to his sleaziness.

[NoMoreJerks]

If he follows his established pattern, he'll turn on the charm when he sees you slipping away. Be prepared!

I've been slipping away slowly. I no longer talk to him or text him much, if at all. He called me a while ago, and talked for a little while, but it was so awkward, it was like talking to a stranger. This was true for both of us, I think. It lasted or about 5 minutes. I didn't want to talk to him, after he had texted me that stuff about the Pattaya trip, etc. I have deleted him off Skype, and I am going to block him on my phone soon. I am not even going to give him the benefit of an explanation. I feel so hurt, after we were making plans for me to visit England, and I was willing to put in the money to go visit him even though I can't afford to at this point -- only for him to basically tell me that I shouldn't come, because he "needs" some sunshine and wants to go to Pattaya, Thailand.

 

I think he felt me slipping away while he was still in Turkey, actually. That's why he kept calling me twice every day. He even said he'd be peeved if I slept with another guy, and he said that this stuff happens in LDR.... Talk about projecting. I think he was paranoid that I was sleeping with another guy, and that's why I wasn't chasing after him (even though I wasn't completely ignoring him)... He didn't even think that the explanation might lie in his own behaviour. Anyway, that Valentine's day date thing, and the fact that he didn't even text or call me on Valentine's day, and instead went out drinking all night long, even though it was the night before his flight back home, really did it for me.

Edited February 20, 2013 by NoMoreJerks