I made some mistakes and Realize it, whats he thinking?

[PhoenixEngima]

I dated a guy for two years. For the last year, I had fallen into a horrible depression, and took it out on those closest to me. Whenever they would react, whether I made them angry or hurt, I always turned it around so it was their fault. I broke up with him several times because I was afraid that he would leave me eventually, so I always held back. I figured I'd be the one to end it. An immature way of thinking, of course.

 

Also, I've had friends on the internet that I've known for years. I always talked to these people online, when I was bored and whatnot. I'll admit, when I was younger I'd get crushes on some of them because they were so easy to talk to, and I had a hard time talking to guys. Now, though, there's nothing there other than friendship. My ex was bothered, so I stopped talking ot them for a while, because they aren't so important that I look forward to talking to them and stuff. One day I was bored and started talking to some again, and one of them began to call me. It wasn't anything like I wanted to talk to him because I had a crush on him or anysort, just friendly conversation. The ex was bothered, but at the time I just blamed him for everything so I got mad he didn't trust me and made an effort to talk to these people. Looking back, I feel like a total tool. These people aren't as important to me as he is. I wish I had never done that.

 

It's been two weeks, and I've had a lot of time to think. I'm feeling better about myself than I have in a long time, getting a job and losing my weight. I'm more confident, and I realize just how much I care about him. I did tell him, and he told me he needed to think about it for a couple of weeks. That kinda made my heart clench, because I've heard that before from someone who had no intentions of continuing the relationship.

 

I don't expect him to fall at my feet, grateful and whatnot. I totally understand if he doesn't want to date again, it would hurt but I would get it and begin to deal. being in this limbo, of not knowing, is pure torture.

 

I just wonder how he's thinking. I try to ask, but he isn't very forthright with feelings. I don't want to bother him, and we have been around eachother since. He acted like he still liked me, but he hasn't hung out with me or anything since. I'm staying back to give him space, because I don't want to push him away.

 

It's just...I wish he'd just get it over with. I'm pretty sure he's going to tell me no, but I have that little string of hope that he won't. I guess I needed to vent this out, and I know I sound very immature when it comes to this sort of thing. It isn't the fact I'm obsessed or attached, just that being the inbetween makes it worse.

 

I just want someone's opinion, someone who doesn't know either of us. I'm being as honest as I can be telling one side of this story, and I just want to know what others impressions are. What do you think?

 

I've realized the mistakes I made and I'm wanting to give it another try, to see if I can make a difference. I've stopped talking to these online people on the phone AND online, cut off all contact to show that I understand how he felt and trying to respect that. Any ideas on how I can convey that to him?

 

I know I was selfish in the past. I just want to redeem myself to him, and show him that I do care. He's taking it as I'm trying to change myself so he'll go back out with me, which isn't the case at all. I'm just changing period. I just need someone's opinion.

[Trager]

well to show him maybe try printing this page out? did u apologize and confess that u where the one creating the problems? cus if u dont there isnt a great chance of getting back with him. Giving him space is good, but remember u need patince, i hate patients i dont have it ;P anyhoo, if u have let him know how u feel, and ur sorry plus how u plan to make it diffrent u should get his honest answer. and thats all u can hope for!

[PhoenixEngima]

Yeah I've let him know all this. It's just he's always doing something now, with his friends, constantly drunk and stuff. I think he just feels sorry for me, and I want him to get it over with. I don't understand what he has to think about, honestly, but thats just me. I dunno what to do.

[breena786]

I totally understand wat ur going through. I feel the same way around my BF. It's hard being in a relationship where ur spouse might leave u, nver knowing when so we just break it off.

All i can tell u is that if u love him, and he loves u enough to respect the fact that u have friends online, then stay with him. If he doesn't accept that then u don't need anybody to hold u back and stopping u from growing. He needs to understand that and accept that. It seem that ur BF doesn't trust u enough. Or maybe he'll say, " I trust u, just not the world." That not fair, he is suppose to trust u to be out in the real world, and he needs to know that can take care of urself. Respect urself and love urself. Don't holdback ur feelings from him. I'm sure, that if he loves u he will accept it in a heartbeat. Don't be scared. I know it's hard.

 

However, like me i don't let my complete guards down. I don't want to fall in luv. But its hard for me b/c im a very lovable and affectionate person, and u sound like one to. Im sure that he loves u and wants to be with u. But he needs to trust u and be honest with u. COMMUNICATION is soooo hard in a relationship. Especially, when u have some one who holds back. u holding back is not right. it's making the relationship harder to deal with.U need to be happy and free in this relationship. JUST THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

tell me how it goes if u can!!!!!!!!!!!!