I've damaged her beyond repair

[shame_on_me]

Hi.

 

I usually post on the Infidelity forum as I am the MM who had an A but this time feel it would be best on here.

 

Myself and exOW finished in Dec, we had a few drama's (read previous posts) but mostly we (she) kept distance between us, we live in the same town which is quite remarkable she has kept herself hidden.

 

First off I'm not proud of my A nor does my wife know about it, I am attempting to repair my marriage without my wife knowing about my A.

 

I couldnt do this NC any longer and last week i decided to text her and ask how she was doing, her reply was quick and short, basically "yes im ok" so we started a conversation and i asked if i could call her as her texts were short she said yes - long story short she started crying on the phone saying how much I have damaged her beyong repair, she feels nothing for anyone she feels cold hearted, no emotions, she's just numb. She says it not completely my fault she has destroyed herself as well.

 

Please will exOW tell me she will be ok, ive never heard her like this before she was always happy and full of life. ? Will she love life again, will she smile again, she has the most beautiful smile you have ever seen!! I dont know what to do I asked her if she wants to meet up and talk but she said no because we both know what will happen. I love this girl and I want her pain to stop, but I love my wife more and I am not leaving my family she even said she never wanted me to either.

[anne1707]

You do realise that whilst you are expressing such concern for her being so upset, it was you who did this to her. If you don't want to be with her and want to be with your wife, leave her alone. If you don't want her upset over you, leave her alone. If you want her to move on, leave her alone.

 

Stop being selfish and think of the two women here who you are disrespecting (because this is also unfair on your wife as it keeps the affair going when you continue contact like this).

[woinlove]

Continuing contact can drag out the pain and make it very difficult to heal and move forward. The OW needs to decide what she wants to do with her marriage, and focus on her young child. She'll get to that point, but probably not with you continuing to contact her. As she said, she probably has problems of her own, which is why she didn't sort out her marriage and focus on her child, rather than having an A with you in the first place. She maybe thought the distraction of an A would help. It didn't and now, with luck, she will realize there are no shortcuts to sorting out her own life.

 

Leave her to it. Sounds like you have enough on your plate, keeping up all the deception with your own family. Focus on how you will do that, if that is what you want and how you want to live.

[shame_on_me]

I know what I have done and I am also hurting more than she knows. I cant leave her like this its killing me.

[Got it]

Hi.

 

I usually post on the Infidelity forum as I am the MM who had an A but this time feel it would be best on here.

 

Myself and exOW finished in Dec, we had a few drama's (read previous posts) but mostly we (she) kept distance between us, we live in the same town which is quite remarkable she has kept herself hidden.

 

First off I'm not proud of my A nor does my wife know about it, I am attempting to repair my marriage without my wife knowing about my A.

 

I couldnt do this NC any longer and last week i decided to text her and ask how she was doing, her reply was quick and short, basically "yes im ok" so we started a conversation and i asked if i could call her as her texts were short she said yes - long story short she started crying on the phone saying how much I have damaged her beyong repair, she feels nothing for anyone she feels cold hearted, no emotions, she's just numb. She says it not completely my fault she has destroyed herself as well.

 

Please will exOW tell me she will be ok, ive never heard her like this before she was always happy and full of life. ? Will she love life again, will she smile again, she has the most beautiful smile you have ever seen!! I dont know what to do I asked her if she wants to meet up and talk but she said no because we both know what will happen. I love this girl and I want her pain to stop, but I love my wife more and I am not leaving my family she even said she never wanted me to either.

 

Shame, I am sorry she is in pain. The best thing you can do is not to play hot and cold. If you are committing to your wife then do not contact the OW. While it hurts her that is the kindest thing you can do. If you read any OW boards you will see the back and forth, the little check ins, etc. all just keep her danging and keep seemingly feeding your ego. If you care about her then do the kindest thing and stop any and all contact. Let her heal and move on.

 

The best thing you can do for both women, and before someone takes the choice away from you, is get off the fence and make a decision and stick with it.

 

I am sorry that everyone is hurting.

[Tenacity]

Hi.

 

I usually post on the Infidelity forum as I am the MM who had an A but this time feel it would be best on here.

 

Myself and exOW finished in Dec, we had a few drama's (read previous posts) but mostly we (she) kept distance between us, we live in the same town which is quite remarkable she has kept herself hidden.

 

First off I'm not proud of my A nor does my wife know about it, I am attempting to repair my marriage without my wife knowing about my A.

 

I couldnt do this NC any longer and last week i decided to text her and ask how she was doing, her reply was quick and short, basically "yes im ok" so we started a conversation and i asked if i could call her as her texts were short she said yes - long story short she started crying on the phone saying how much I have damaged her beyong repair, she feels nothing for anyone she feels cold hearted, no emotions, she's just numb. She says it not completely my fault she has destroyed herself as well.

 

Please will exOW tell me she will be ok, ive never heard her like this before she was always happy and full of life. ? Will she love life again, will she smile again, she has the most beautiful smile you have ever seen!! I dont know what to do I asked her if she wants to meet up and talk but she said no because we both know what will happen. I love this girl and I want her pain to stop, but I love my wife more and I am not leaving my family she even said she never wanted me to either.

 

You want to know, from the perspective of an OW, when the pain will stop? I'm around 8 years out, and I'll let you know when I get there.

 

Just leave this woman alone. You have done enough damage - focus on your wife and your marriage. You are lucky that OW didn't out you to your wife.

[woinlove]

I also agree with Anne about the fact that you are being selfish. You don't love this woman enough to leave your wife to be with her. You think you feel love, but really you don't want to see her hurting because it makes you feel bad and the whole idea of your affair was to make yourself feel good. It's the same reason you don't want to be honest with your wife. You are only thinking of yourself and your own feelings. If you want to try doing something for someone else, then leave this woman alone and let her sort out her life.

[Got it]

I know what I have done and I am also hurting more than she knows. I cant leave her like this its killing me.

 

So what is the solution? How can you fix it? What is she saying? I would imagine she is saying to be with her? Can you do that? If not, if you are not going to be with her set her free.

 

I say this gently as I don't think men especially think this far ahead but what did you think would happen? Did you look two steps ahead to see what the crossroads was going to look like? If not I would start doing that now. Form a plan and stick with it.

 

She is going to hurt. Full Stop. That is the reality of it. But either decision you choose at least one of the two women is going to hurt; that is just the reality of the situation.

[shame_on_me]

Shame, I am sorry she is in pain. The best thing you can do is not to play hot and cold. If you are committing to your wife then do not contact the OW. While it hurts her that is the kindest thing you can do. If you read any OW boards you will see the back and forth, the little check ins, etc. all just keep her danging and keep seemingly feeding your ego. If you care about her then do the kindest thing and stop any and all contact. Let her heal and move on.

 

The best thing you can do for both women, and before someone takes the choice away from you, is get off the fence and make a decision and stick with it.

 

I am sorry that everyone is hurting.

 

 

I dont want her to think I never cared or all of this meant nothing to me, it means more than she knows, she means more to me than she realises. I have to help her I wish she would hate me then at least she could be happy, this deadness she had in her voice was horrific to hear.

[woinlove]

I know what I have done and I am also hurting more than she knows. I cant leave her like this its killing me.

 

Well, leave your marriage then if you want this to stop killing you. However, if you don't want to do that, then you are being cruel to contact her.

[anne1707]

Do you see how for you this all about how she feels about you?

[Tenacity]

I dont want her to think I never cared or all of this meant nothing to me, it means more than she knows, she means more to me than she realises. I have to help her I wish she would hate me then at least she could be happy, this deadness she had in her voice was horrific to hear.

 

She means less to you than your wife. That's all that matters to her.

 

So - be with your wife and leave her alone.

[shame_on_me]

I never lied to her ! she was informed I wasnt leaving my family and she accepted that, she still accepts that! I never once lied to her about anything.

[Got it]

I dont want her to think I never cared or all of this meant nothing to me, it means more than she knows, she means more to me than she realises. I have to help her I wish she would hate me then at least she could be happy, this deadness she had in her voice was horrific to hear.

 

Shame, I think you REALLY need to start thinking of the reality of the situation. This is the reality. What did you expect?

 

You have hurt her. Tremendously. That is the reality. You have been playing with two women's hearts. That is the reality. There is no way to solve this with both of their hearts intact. That is the reality.

 

So what do you do? I suggest IC. Start figuring out how and why you ended up here and what you can do to change things going forward.

 

The worst thing you can do to anyone is keep straddling the fence. You are giving false hope to her. Be kind, say your goodbye and then move on. She will heal, she will move on. She may not consider you her favorite person but she will eventually be okay.

[Got it]

This. If you lived her you'd leave for her. This is just vanity.

 

And how would your wife feel if she read this thread about how much you care for a woman who was willing to stab her in the back alongside you? His woman is not a good person because she was willing to do this to your wife. If you insist in thinking of her as a good person I don't believe you will move on. And for those clamorous that you are in the same boat- of course you are.

 

But you can only control you. You can't make her a better person. She had to do that and she won't while she's in contact with you. So be a better person and abhor what you both did. Then make it up to your wife who has been the only real loser (as in has lost) here (the OW never had it by rights to lose).

 

I don't believe you love your wife and every word you write about the OW is another betrayal.

 

This thread isn't about his wife. This thread is about his OW. Keep on topic.

[Journee]

You did not destroy her. Women are amazingly resilient. Right now she is hurting ,grieving ,healing. Then you come along and put her right back at square one. Because YOU couldn't take it. You don't think it was hard for her? Yet she maintained. You need to leave her be. If you don't want to end the disrespect of your wife by continuing to contact your OW then don't insult our intelligence by ending your post with "I love my wife more". Love is action and it doesn't seem that you love either of the women you are hurting. You think it's hard to deal with the guilt of hurting one woman? Just wait until your continued contact leads to a DDay. Then watch your betrayed wife reel. Then two women will be in horrible pain ...but YOU just can't take letting OW heal and move on with her young life...and she will. Your R may have been painful but don't kid yourself into thinking her life is destroyed. What a huge ego one must have to think that. Like she will forvever be in tears and turmoil. It may last for the foreseeable future but not the entirety of her life.

 

I'm not an AP but it is so disheartening to see that many MM believe they hold the key to OWs worlds. They will live and love again. They will not crawl into the depths of solitude never to emerge. Give your OW and women in general more credit than this.

[woinlove]

I never lied to her ! she was informed I wasnt leaving my family and she accepted that, she still accepts that! I never once lied to her about anything.

 

One part of her may have accepted it, but it was not what she wanted. You said she would leave her husband for you in a heartbeat, if you would leave your wife for her. It seems that is what she wanted and you are not willing to give it to her. So leave her alone.

[Tenacity]

This thread isn't about his wife. This thread is about his OW. Keep on topic.

 

Yes. Great point.

[shame_on_me]

I love my wife there is no doubt about that and you may think what you wish on that subject. I have been with my wife longer than ow has been alive, its a different kind of love I feel.

 

Im just concerned about my exow I hate the thought that I have done this to her and that she feels she will never be happy within herself again. We cant go fully NC we live in the same town it is impossible to do this. She will not expose my A to my wife, although I quite rightly deserve this.

 

She is going through a divorce, (I think its finalised, I never asked her) she needs someone to comfort her, I wish I could but know its impossible.

[Tenacity]

I love my wife there is no doubt about that and you may think what you wish on that subject. I have been with my wife longer than ow has been alive, its a different kind of love I feel.

 

Im just concerned about my exow I hate the thought that I have done this to her and that she feels she will never be happy within herself again. We cant go fully NC we live in the same town it is impossible to do this. She will not expose my A to my wife, although I quite rightly deserve this.

 

She is going through a divorce, (I think its finalised, I never asked her) she needs someone to comfort her, I wish I could but know its impossible.

 

You do deserve it.

 

I hope she does it. Your wife deserves to know too.

 

Stop being concerned about your ex affair partner. You made your choice. Focus on your wife. Leave her alone. What is complicated about that? You don't get to have it both ways.

[woinlove]

I love my wife there is no doubt about that and you may think what you wish on that subject. I have been with my wife longer than ow has been alive, its a different kind of love I feel.

 

Im just concerned about my exow I hate the thought that I have done this to her and that she feels she will never be happy within herself again. We cant go fully NC we live in the same town it is impossible to do this. She will not expose my A to my wife, although I quite rightly deserve this.

 

She is going through a divorce, (I think its finalised, I never asked her) she needs someone to comfort her, I wish I could but know its impossible.

 

Okay, that was quick as 2 months ago you said she would leave her marriage if you asked. Maybe she thought she would divorce, you would divorce, and you two would be together. If that is what she wants, how can you comfort her?

[wanting more]

I dont want her to think I never cared or all of this meant nothing to me, it means more than she knows, she means more to me than she realises. I have to help her I wish she would hate me then at least she could be happy, this deadness she had in her voice was horrific to hear.

 

Please just leave her alone. if doesn't matter at this point what you want or don't want her to think. You don't have to help her. She will learn to deal with her feelings best she can. BUT you have to stay away. Everytime you contact get, it will make it harder on her when you go.

 

As it was said before, you don't love her enough to leave your BW, so at least love her enough to never contact her again.

[shame_on_me]

Okay, that was quick as 2 months ago you said she would leave her marriage if you asked. Maybe she thought she would divorce, you would divorce, and you two would be together. If that is what she wants, how can you comfort her?

 

She was un happy in her marriage for a long time before we started, they had been living almost seperate lives before the divorce procedings.

 

She told me she didnt want me to leave my marriage as she had to do this alone with her and her child, I am to old for her she knows this, I couldnt possibly keep up with a 30 year old woman nor could I raise her child.

 

I have to go back to work now but will check in later - thank you for all the replies

[waterwoman]

I love my wife there is no doubt about that and you may think what you wish on that subject. I have been with my wife longer than ow has been alive, its a different kind of love I feel.

 

Im just concerned about my exow I hate the thought that I have done this to her and that she feels she will never be happy within herself again. We cant go fully NC we live in the same town it is impossible to do this. She will not expose my A to my wife, although I quite rightly deserve this.

 

She is going through a divorce, (I think its finalised, I never asked her) she needs someone to comfort her, I wish I could but know its impossible.

 

shame - if IIRC her husband was a bit of a twat, their marriage was disastrous. If you have contributed to the ending of that marriage I reckon you have helped her out. Long-term she will be happier don't you think? You haven't broken her beyond repair - she isn't a glass ornament - she will recover as will you.

[woinlove]

She was un happy in her marriage for a long time before we started, they had been living almost seperate lives before the divorce procedings.

 

She told me she didnt want me to leave my marriage as she had to do this alone with her and her child, I am to old for her she knows this, I couldnt possibly keep up with a 30 year old woman nor could I raise her child.

 

I have to go back to work now but will check in later - thank you for all the replies

 

So what did she want? Did she just want your secret affair to go on forever? Maybe she wasn't being honest about what she wanted?

 

What is with all this MM who say they love the OW but can't raise her child? What kind of love is that? Shame, do you understand what it means to love the whole person and want to share your two lives fully? Seems like you have chosen not to have that kind of love with your wife or with your OW. Do you know what that kind of love is?