I've damaged her beyond repair

[Tenacity]

She was un happy in her marriage for a long time before we started, they had been living almost seperate lives before the divorce procedings.

 

She told me she didnt want me to leave my marriage as she had to do this alone with her and her child, I am to old for her she knows this, I couldnt possibly keep up with a 30 year old woman nor could I raise her child.

 

I have to go back to work now but will check in later - thank you for all the replies

 

I am sure she will find a great guy who is her age and can keep up with her, who isn't cheating on his wife to be with her. Leave her alone so she can find that. You aren't it.

[Bailey14]

Sir, I am an OW so please listen to what I am about to say.......what people say and what people actually feel can NEVER to known to another. I tell my MM that I don't want a full-time relationship with him (I do), I tell him I don't want him to leave his wife(I do), I tell him our relationship brings more pleasure than pain(it doesn't). I tell him what he wants to hear. LEAVE HER ALONE so she can heal. Do not text her, do not call her, do not interact with her. Care about her enough to LEAVE HER ALONE. You cannot helpher heal.....every time you reach out to her you damage whatever healing she has done.

[Tenacity]

Sir, I am an OW so please listen to what I am about to say.......what people say and what people actually feel can NEVER to known to another. I tell my MM that I don't want a full-time relationship with him (I do), I tell him I don't want him to leave his wife(I do), I tell him our relationship brings more pleasure than pain(it doesn't). I tell him what he wants to hear. LEAVE HER ALONE so she can heal. Do not text her, do not call her, do not interact with her. Care about her enough to LEAVE HER ALONE. You cannot helpher heal.....every time you reach out to her you damage whatever healing she has done.

 

This may be one of the the most honest posts I have read here in a long time.

[Bailey14]

This may be one of the the most honest posts I have read here in a long time.

 

Thank you.

[beenburned]

shame,

 

You stated that you have been married longer than the OW has been alive.

You also stated you have a different kind of love for your wife.

 

Please explain this, because as a former BW in a long term marriage, the way I read your post hurt my feelings.

[TheOW]

Shame, i love reading ur posts u sound so much like my MM, but i agree with the others leave her alone she probably does feel destroyed at this moment as do i and im still in the A. She cannot move on with u in her thoughts it cannot be done

[shame_on_me]

shame,

 

You stated that you have been married longer than the OW has been alive.

You also stated you have a different kind of love for your wife.

 

Please explain this, because as a former BW in a long term marriage, the way I read your post hurt my feelings.

 

Im sorry i did not intend to hurt anyones feelings.

 

I love my wife wholeheartedly she's the bearer of my children, she's my soulmate she's my better half and best friend, I could never live without her, i want to grow old with her, we know each other better than we know ourselves, this love will never die, it is true. We have our ups and downs but ultimately she is my life.

 

Its hard to explain my love for OW as I have only ever loved one other woman my whole life (my wife) its new, its different, she makes me think about life in a different way, she's so innocent and openhearted, when i think about her i get butterflies in my belly and smile. She's beautiful and yes that is the biggest ego boost she unknowingly gives me, the girl is beautiful and she wanted to spend time with me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly Shame:

 

You don't this this is a tad dramatic?

 

From a neurological perspective: a few weeks to normalize to basic functioning, six months to limbically heal.

 

Maybe some wistful longings for another couple of years, tops. IF SHE DOESN'T continue to fuel it.

 

And honestly, likely she'll find someone else to focus on in the meantime. I mean, really, she couldn't wait for her marriage to be over to get together with you.

 

Once you open the dark affair door, it's a crazy-difficult thing to shut, ain't it?

 

Meanwhile, your wife remains parked in place, no biggie, right?

 

Plan B, Different kind of non-passionate, disrespectful love. Roger that Captain Shame! Heading towards Plan B: the wife.

[ComingInHot]

shame_on_you_;

 

Have you read ANY of the responses from your previous posts?

 

Go RE-READ them again. You write & write AND Write about how it's all about this exOW & your Wife but really it's ALL about YOU!!!

 

You've been told all this before and here you're back for... what?!

[Bittersweetie]

I wondered what was happening to you. It seems that you have made no progress. Are you in IC yet?

 

If you truly want to move forward, with your wife and your marriage as you say, then you need to put your money where your mouth is, and dedicate ALL your energies toward your wife and marriage. Because with every text, thought, idea that you've "damaged" your OW, undermines this statement:

 

I love my wife wholeheartedly she's the bearer of my children, she's my soulmate she's my better half and best friend, I could never live without her, i want to grow old with her, we know each other better than we know ourselves, this love will never die, it is true. We have our ups and downs but ultimately she is my life.

 

Shame, in your previous threads, posters asked you to make a choice: either choose your OW or your wife. You "chose" your wife. But really you still have not made a choice...when are you going to man up?

[Bailey14]

Im sorry i did not intend to hurt anyones feelings.

 

I love my wife wholeheartedly she's the bearer of my children, she's my soulmate she's my better half and best friend, I could never live without her, i want to grow old with her, we know each other better than we know ourselves, this love will never die, it is true. We have our ups and downs but ultimately she is my life.

 

Its hard to explain my love for OW as I have only ever loved one other woman my whole life (my wife) its new, its different, she makes me think about life in a different way, she's so innocent and openhearted, when i think about her i get butterflies in my belly and smile. She's beautiful and yes that is the biggest ego boost she unknowingly gives me, the girl is beautiful and she wanted to spend time with me.

 

 

No, sir, you most certainly do not love your wife wholeheartedly. If you did, you would not have betrayed her. And you honestly think you know each other better than you know yourself. Does she know you betrayed her? If she doesn't, she doesn't know the most fundamental thing about you. What a load of nonsense!

[beenburned]

shame,

 

Thank you for your honest explanation!

 

However, from how you explained it, it sounds to me like a classic mid-life crisis.

 

But, it does go to show that even men who love their wife and marriage, are able to cheat.(which most OW do not want to accept or acknowledge)

[dreamingoftigers]

Jeepers Cripes, I'm 30.

 

It sounds like OW hasn't finished high school yet.

 

Read some of my threads & posts. Right from childhood up through my tattered marriage and reconciliation.

 

I REFUSE to accept being damaged "beyond all repair" and would never let someone hold that kind of power over my life and well-being in regards to a relationship.

 

(I mean granted if I was kidnapped, tortured, had a horrible disease, an amputation etc etc, than I would be damaged in some ways that surely would be beyond repair. But we aren't talking about things one generally WILLINGLY enters here.)

 

For some reason your OW seems to hand her responsibility of her relationships and her actions to whomever she's in a relationship with. Her husband made her unhappy. You've damaged her. Come on! She picked you and your circumstance as much as you picked her. She might've eaten a bigger pie than she could handle (I'm fat, I know what that's like) but at the end of the day SHE feasted, and as much as we all want to we can't blame the pie for being delectable. It's not the pie's fault that she has an upset stomach. And like a system upset this too will pass. Dammit, you weren't "Cancer Pie."

 

Dammit, you werent even her pie.

 

And for some reason you feel the need to vacuum up all of that pain and her

choices too. Bad enough you ate your own tart now you gotta go around acting like your precious self is the cause of all of the troubles in her world and "you gotta save her" from that too. Just like you were "saving her" from her bleak marriage with her bleak, in-the-dark husband.

 

Honest to God. It sounds so much like you want to be someone's hero or villain just pick yourself out an identity. You even have to "save" your life from the fallout of the affair.

 

Your "Superhero-Saving" complex is creating all of these f-Ed up scenarios where you are "saving" people from crap they gotta save themselves from OR from crap you created. It's like Superman mugging a woman to return her purse with all of the cash and ID in it later. Duh!

 

Stop "saving", take off the tights, you SUCK at being someone's hero and go

out and be a real person and husband.

[Pierre]

What is with all this MM who say they love the OW but can't raise her child? What kind of love is that? Shame, do you understand what it means to love the whole person and want to share your two lives fully? Seems like you have chosen not to have that kind of love with your wife or with your OW. Do you know what that kind of love is?

 

 

 

I have described this a million times on this forum. The overwhelming majority of cheating married men are in deep love with the OW. However, this is "affair love". This is love within the affair compartment and this form of love does not work well outside the affair bubble.

 

If I had a dime for every OW that was thrown under the bus after d-day I would be a billionaire. Yes, the OW gets thrown under the bus even thought he cheating MM loved her in the affair bubble. Happens all the time.

 

Sometimes love in the affair bubble cannot compete with real day to day issues outside the bubble. SOmetimes long term attachment to the wife is a stronger bond. Some may not call it love, but it certainly feels like love to the cheating MM.

[Pierre]

I never lied to her ! she was informed I wasnt leaving my family and she accepted that, she still accepts that! I never once lied to her about anything.

 

Don't feel bad about her decision to date a married man. As a grown up OW knew quite well what she was doing. You did not lie to her. OW is experiencing self inflicted pain.

 

However, you must leave her alone so she can heal.

[shame_on_me]

shame_on_you_;

 

Have you read ANY of the responses from your previous posts?

 

Go RE-READ them again. You write & write AND Write about how it's all about this exOW & your Wife but really it's ALL about YOU!!!

 

You've been told all this before and here you're back for... what?!

 

 

I think we are getting mixed up here, I do not want to continue an A with exow that is over and I will stick to that. This is not about me but about her I came on here asking other "OW" if my exow will be ok given time will she be happy again because she told me in tears that she feels destroyed beyong repair. How long will this take and is it possible to be her friend again in time.

 

The affair is over, I am doing everything necessary to repair my marriage and it seems to be working me and my wife have become closer. I guess a part of me feels guilty that im moving on while she is in pain. Im struggling with the pain which has been caused through my own selfish actions. How this once beautiful, happy young girl has become to feel destroyed and damaged and that it is me who has done this.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think we are getting mixed up here, I do not want to continue an A with exow that is over and I will stick to that. This is not about me but about her I came on here asking other "OW" if my exow will be ok given time will she be happy again because she told me in tears that she feels destroyed beyong repair. How long will this take and is it possible to be her friend again in time.

 

The affair is over, I am doing everything necessary to repair my marriage and it seems to be working me and my wife have become closer. I guess a part of me feels guilty that im moving on while she is in pain. Im struggling with the pain which has been caused through my own selfish actions. How this once beautiful, happy young girl has become to feel destroyed and damaged and that it is me who has done this.

 

It doesn't sound like she was all that happy to begin with.

 

There seems to be something deeply underconfident and unhappy there.

 

Like she's totally accomplished but not truly comfortable inside. Maybe even histrionic.

 

I'm not saying she's evil by any stretch. Just that she CLEARLY has issues regarding men and relationship boundaries. Obviously.

[Bailey14]

I think we are getting mixed up here, I do not want to continue an A with exow that is over and I will stick to that. This is not about me but about her I came on here asking other "OW" if my exow will be ok given time will she be happy again because she told me in tears that she feels destroyed beyong repair. How long will this take and is it possible to be her friend again in time.

 

The affair is over, I am doing everything necessary to repair my marriage and it seems to be working me and my wife have become closer. I guess a part of me feels guilty that im moving on while she is in pain. Im struggling with the pain which has been caused through my own selfish actions. How this once beautiful, happy young girl has become to feel destroyed and damaged and that it is me who has done this.

 

Oh, now I get it......you were such a catch you actually believe she will never get over you! PUL-LEEZE. She will be just fine. Now get on with your life and stop worrying about her.

[Bittersweetie]

I have described this a million times on this forum. The overwhelming majority of cheating married men are in deep love with the OW. However, this is "affair love". This is love within the affair compartment and this form of love does not work well outside the affair bubble.

 

If I had a dime for every OW that was thrown under the bus after d-day I would be a billionaire. Yes, the OW gets thrown under the bus even thought he cheating MM loved her in the affair bubble. Happens all the time.

 

Sometimes love in the affair bubble cannot compete with real day to day issues outside the bubble. SOmetimes long term attachment to the wife is a stronger bond. Some may not call it love, but it certainly feels like love to the cheating MM.

 

Pierre, I don't know what happened, but the quote you highlighted is not something I posted. I know it was probably a glitch of some kind but just wanted to clarify.

[Bittersweetie]

The affair is over, I am doing everything necessary to repair my marriage and it seems to be working me and my wife have become closer. I guess a part of me feels guilty that im moving on while she is in pain. Im struggling with the pain which has been caused through my own selfish actions. How this once beautiful, happy young girl has become to feel destroyed and damaged and that it is me who has done this.

 

I will say it once more...if you TRULY want to DO EVERYTHING to REPAIR your marriage, then tell your wife how you damaged this happy young girl. Stop whining and take action.

[Tenacity]

I think we are getting mixed up here, I do not want to continue an A with exow that is over and I will stick to that. This is not about me but about her I came on here asking other "OW" if my exow will be ok given time will she be happy again because she told me in tears that she feels destroyed beyong repair. How long will this take and is it possible to be her friend again in time.

 

The affair is over, I am doing everything necessary to repair my marriage and it seems to be working me and my wife have become closer. I guess a part of me feels guilty that im moving on while she is in pain. Im struggling with the pain which has been caused through my own selfish actions. How this once beautiful, happy young girl has become to feel destroyed and damaged and that it is me who has done this.

 

No one is getting mixed up here, except for you.

 

Yes, she will be happy again. She will find new love. She will realize that you were a horrible mistake. And no, it won't be possible for you to be her "friend again in time".

 

What is wrong with men! Focus on your marriage and STOP trying to have emotional affairs with other women!

[wanting more]

Which bit of loyalty do you not understand? If you choose your wife then every thought, every concern, every fond memory of rh Ow is another betrayal. Your Ow did wrong by your wife. You love your wife? You should not have any concern for the wellbeing of those who harmed her. That alone should mark the OW. And you to her also. You harmed her H as he was then and of she had any decency she would hate you for that. Instead she is just miserable she didn't get her own way. She's a child throwing a tantrum. She doesn't deserve your pity. Truly. Nor do you deserve hers.

 

I can pity you both because you are both so lacking in character.

 

you have no idea what his OW is thinking. She didn't contact him, he contacted her. what makes you think she is a child throwing a tantrum??? There goes your "views" on ALL OW. shame came on the OW/OM board asking for advice. And all the OW and BSs have told him to leave her alone. She's hurting. He needs to stay away from her, he needs to see he's hurting her more with any contact. That's what his question was on the OW/OM board.

Can he at least get the support and advice he needs, which aside from yours, ALL said stay away. Then, after he deals with this, he can get the advice on what's best for his BW, from BWs.

[beenburned]

Shame,

 

I'm sorry you and the OW are in pain over this affair.(even if it is self inflicted)

 

And I'm sure that people who have never been in an affair before probably could not comprehend beforehand all of the consequences or emotions that affairs entail.

 

Call it being naive or innocent, but it still hurts.

 

The reverse side of this same coin, is all of the hurt a BW feels when she finds out the man she trusted and loved most in the whole world, stabbed her in the back.

[Tenacity]

True. Though it wouldn't hurt if women weren't trying to have affairs with MM either would it?

 

You an WM can of course point to where I said he should be in contact with OW. I said the opposite.

 

I wouldn't know, MFH. I don't try and have never "tried" to have affairs with married men.

[sweet_pea]

Leave the exOW alone. point. blank. period.

 

For someone who claim to want to repair his marriage, you pay an awful lot of attention to someone other than your wife.

 

You do realize that by continuing contact, you are stopping any efforts in repairing not only your marriage, but the healing/moving on of the OW.

 

Quit being selfish. If you love your wife so much, leave the OW alone and focus on her. If you love your OW so much, divorce your wife, let her have a loving and respectful husband.

 

It's not fair to either woman that you claim to love. Seriously, grow up.

 

Y'all, I swear this guy just enjoys the drama... :roll eyes:

 

(Also, y'all, lets try not to threadjack yet another thread. Focus on the topic at hand!)