I've damaged her beyond repair

[ow9]

Shame is clearly conflicted, and some of the responses he’s gotten have been excellent.* I read every one.* Most say to leave the OW alone, and most have helped me personally in a small, weird way as well.* So, that’s where the thread should end; pretty much with james' post (which was excellent by the way).

 

Unfortunately, the other posts that don’t say to leave the OW alone are you, ranting and raving about how the OW, and only the OW, deserves to rot in hell.* Not only is that incorrect, it’s not helpful.* At all.

 

LS has helped me more than I care to admit to. Shame posted to find his own answers. Please allow those MM/MW, OM/OW, and BSs who are trying to heal, do so.*

Edited February 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Decorative]

Honestly in the MOW and MOM situations, the MP holds all of the cards.

 

Often OW and OM who haven't experienced marriage etc. often can't see the full picture.

 

Yes to you and I it "should" make "logical" sense that becoming involved with someone who is married is a disaster and travesty of honesty in the vast majority of cases.

 

It seems though that so many people were raised without relational guidance or with highly-romanticized relational guidance. I find many OW/OM seem to fall for the same textbook lines over and over or believe in the power of the attraction overcoming the risk of the relationship. It rarely works that way.

 

Most OW/OM that are single pretty well realize in the aftermath that they didn't get what they bargained for and for a lot it is a learning experience. For others they repeat until they learn or confront their issues. Sone never learn and keep ending up in addictive/radical relationships and can't see what the problem is.

 

But when it comes to MOW/MOM/MW/MM I personally believe that there is a much higher level of knowledge and accountability because they often wouldn't tolerate or accept the same behaviour from their partner and yet they find a way to excuse it in themselves. They know what a marriage is. They know what they are investing their life in and have a pretty clear idea of what they are risking and destroying too.

 

Most of us know that there is a very different level of investing in dating and marriage. Most OW are younger than MM and have not been married or cheated on in a marriage so they can't see the full scope of what they are doing. MOW, whole other story.

 

I would agree with that, in most cases.

 

My spouse's OW is a single, young, and serial OW. She knows what she is choosing. My spouse is still primarily to blame for the affair in relation to me, but she is cognizant.

[JamesM]

The big question now is...what to do, what to do?

 

There is what SHOULD you do? And then there is what WILL you do?

 

Your life is in an upheaval, and you are filled with confusion, sadness, and (probably) fear.

[snowfun]

I haven't read all seven pages and don't know if this has been suggested. I'm going to take your initial post at face value and accept it to be genuine. Write her a letter (or e-mail, which ever is "safest"). Spend a long time thinking about what you would like to say, be honest and be clear. When you have finished writing, leave it a week and read through it. Be sure you are happy with whatever you've said. Send it and never contact her again.

 

She can read it once and delete/bin it, or keep it to go back to. The recent thread regarding whether it matters what the xMM/W thinks of you now was interesting. For me, it does matter and if your post was genuine then she will hopefully understand; it'll provide some comfort and, more importantly, closure.

 

That's my opinion anyway.

[JamesM]

Let me take the opportunity to welcome you to the forum! I don't know your story yet, but hopefully you will find the answers or help you seek. I know I have...and more.

 

I haven't read all seven pages and don't know if this has been suggested. I'm going to take your initial post at face value and accept it to be genuine.

 

It is genuine. It is helpful to read his back story to understand what all has happened so far.

 

Write her a letter (or e-mail, which ever is "safest"). Spend a long time thinking about what you would like to say, be honest and be clear. When you have finished writing, leave it a week and read through it. Be sure you are happy with whatever you've said. Send it and never contact her again.

 

I would say that in some cases this is an excellent idea. I like how you suggest waiting to send it. In shame's case, I am not certain but I could be wrong. He cannot go completely NC (no contact) as he is in a small town. They see each other once in awhile. Sending an email may cause her to respond which would cause him to respond which would cause... etc. That would be my concern. If it were I,then I don't know that I could avoid the temptation of carrying on a correspondence. I am afraid that he may still return to her.

 

She can read it once and delete/bin it, or keep it to go back to. The recent thread regarding whether it matters what the xMM/W thinks of you now was interesting. For me, it does matter and if your post was genuine then she will hopefully understand; it'll provide some comfort and, more importantly, closure.

 

It may give her closure and it may help her move on. I am worried right now that shame is having the hardest time moving on and not her. He had to see how she is doing, and that was his motive for contact.

 

I think it is important, too, how the OP feels about the WS (wayward spouse)

 

That's my opinion anyway.

 

Thanks. It is appreciated.

[TurningTables]

The big question now is...what to do, what to do?

 

There is what SHOULD you do? And then there is what WILL you do?

 

Your life is in an upheaval, and you are filled with confusion, sadness, and (probably) fear.

 

 

This ( the bolded above) is what it comes down to. Its time to make a decision and stick with it Shame. I have read your threads. You claim to love your wife, but I have yet to see anything from you to back this up except that you wont leave.

Trust me, its time to come clean. You cannot bury the pain. You cannot stop her pain, you cannot stop her crying and there is only the lying that is left of this situation. Your wife will find out sooner or later. Its time to stop this madness. The moment that you are honest with yourself and your W, is the moment your path will become clear. Only then, will you see and have to live with your choices.

 

Its been too long now that you have denied the situation.

Ready or not, its time. It is what it is.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

[Pierre]

Originally Posted by shame_on_me

 

Its hard to explain my love for OW

 

It is called love in the affair bubble. It only works in the bubble. Outside the bubble to love falls apart. Every scorned OW that was thrown under the bus on d-day knows this.

[Pierre]

No, he can't stand that she's sticking to no contact.

His fragile ego is bruised.

 

That's what fishing MM do when their poor wittle ego's are bruised.

 

What the OW feels is 100% due to her actions. She decided to have an affair with a married man. The OP did not put a gun to her head. Furthermore, this was an equal relationship between two people cheating on their spouses.

 

OP is a needy man and broke NC to medicate his own pain.

[Robert]

Many of the last 2 pages of posts were off topic and down right mean.

 

Let's be a bit nicer to the people who post here, Thanks

[stevie_23]

I'm sorry for this situation, Shame.

 

I think your feelings are somewhat similar to my ex-MM. I actually at first wondered if you were him because he left me in December as well...but we were long distance so...yeah.

 

Anyway...I know he loved me. And I think he loves his wife, in a way. A different way to how he loved me.

 

Your main concern about you "damaging" your ex-OW...try not to worry too much about that specific thing. You've told her you honestly loved her (and still do). That is the main thing that she will be able to take with her as she moves on gradually (and she WILL move on, believe me, at some point).

 

When my ex-MM left me, it was sudden and without any explanation at first. He just couldn't be in an A anymore, and I understand. I even understood at the time, deep down, but it was so painful I couldn't stand it.

 

I too felt "damaged". Destroyed...ruined...wrecked. All of that. I felt like he had literally broken me. But it's been 2 months now and...I am ok. I am not perfect, but I WILL be fine.

 

I'm not the most emotionally stable of women, but even I will be ok and I know that. She too will be ok.

 

You have not damaged her beyond recognition. Sometimes relationships just can't last for a huge variety of reasons and especially when they're built on top of existing relationships, which adds a hell of a lot more complexity and difficulty to everything, it just becomes too hard to go on.

 

I don't blame you for ending it. I don't blame you for wanting to stay with your wife even if you could have been with your ex-OW. That doesn't mean you didn't love her, and the fact you had an A doesn't mean you don't love your wife.

 

I don't even think it's required that you tell your wife. If you're trying to work on your marriage without her knowing about the A, well...good luck to you. It could work and you may settle back into a fairly happy union. If this does happen, at some stage you may even decide to tell her because you want to commit 100% to her and don't want that built on dishonesty. Otherwise, you may one day decide you can't make it work so you can both be happy together and you may leave. Who can say what will happen down the track? For now, you have made the only decision you felt you could by ending you A.

 

I don't care if people think I'm delusional or don't "get" it. This is what I truly feel. I wish you all the best.

[stevie_23]

Yes, you think of HER more than you do your wife. I have yet to see a thread that talks about the concern and hurt you feel for your wife. Yes, you interject some comments, but you have not devoted a whole thread to how you are rebuilding your marriage. I don't remember a thread about how you have damaged your marriage and your wife. I don't think you have moaned about all of the hurt you have caused your wife.

 

I have yet to read how you have told your wife.

 

What I do read about is your sadness at leaving the affair. I now read about your sorrow for causing the OW so much pain. I hear how you want the OW to be happy again. I see how you want to comfort the OW while she goes through the pain of divorce.

 

I assume he is focused more on how the OW feels because he's in love with her and in some other reality would BE with her.

 

In terms of rebuilding his marriage, he may feel this is his obligation but not where his heart really lies. So he wouldn't be as focused on that.

[shame_on_me]

Hi

 

Thanks again for all your responses every one is appreciated.

 

I didnt want to give away to much information for obvious reason but the reason I contacted exow is because i heard from my friend that she had been drinking alot and had a hard time with her H over assets, she has now moved into a new apartment and i noticed her car wasnt working. I just wanted to help as a friend nothing more.

 

Yes we f**ked up and went to far but I was extrememly close to this girl for over a year and cant find it in me to cut her loose when she may need some help.

 

Please stop saying I do not love my wife that is the only thing I am certain of at the moment. It is disgusting what I have done and the pain for everyone is not worth it, we should not of done this but we did and this is our punishment, I just hope that she can move forward the same person she was before she met me.

[shame_on_me]

Hi Stevie

 

Im happy that you are finally getting over your A.

 

I guess everyone is right I just didnt love exow enough to leave my wife for her but in my defence she said she didnt want me to either she said we most likely would not work out. I do not think I am the sole reason she is hurting so much right now I pressume everything is on top of her right now, her divorce, me, monies etc.

 

someone mentioned how would I feel/react to seeing her with a younger man? Honestly I think it would tear me to shreds but at least she would be happy again.

[stevie_23]

Above all else, I don't think you acted out of malice or deliberately to hurt ANYONE in this situation. I think you did know, at some stage fairly early on, that this relationship with your ex-OW would result in pain for either her, or your wife, and no doubt lifelong guilt for you, if nothing else.

 

I also think it's unfair of people to say that you didn't love your ex-OW "enough" to leave your wife for her. In other circumstances, you may well have happily been with her, and only her. Who knows?

 

The fact is, within YOUR circumstances, it just couldn't work out in the end. And as you said, SHE herself said she didn't want you to leave your wife and maybe you two wouldn't have worked out anyway (this may or may not have been what she truly believed).

 

It's a similar thing with me. I have a long term partner who I love and don't want to leave. But that doesn't mean I also didn't want to really be with my ex-MM. I really DID. I wished I had 2 parallel lives so I could be with both of them, which I know is ridiculous but it's how I felt. Part of me wished I'd met him first, but then another part of me felt horrified at that notion because I'd never want to NOT have what I've had with my partner.

 

In terms of my ex-MM, I think he DID love me enough to leave his wife, but I wasn't free for him to do that. Some say if he really wanted me, he would've left her anyway and come to me (to another country) and tried with everything he had to be with me. But he would never do that because I never hid the fact I didn't want to leave my partner and he wouldn't just force me to make that sort of decision. So...he couldn't do that. And that doesn't mean I didn't love him deeply. I very much did (and still do).

 

When he left me, it hurt me horribly, of course. I at first held him responsible for not loving me enough to stay with me. But I now see it's not really about that...nothing is simple.

[woinlove]

Hi

 

Thanks again for all your responses every one is appreciated.

 

I didnt want to give away to much information for obvious reason but the reason I contacted exow is because i heard from my friend that she had been drinking alot and had a hard time with her H over assets, she has now moved into a new apartment and i noticed her car wasnt working. I just wanted to help as a friend nothing more.

 

Yes we f**ked up and went to far but I was extrememly close to this girl for over a year and cant find it in me to cut her loose when she may need some help.

 

Please stop saying I do not love my wife that is the only thing I am certain of at the moment. It is disgusting what I have done and the pain for everyone is not worth it, we should not of done this but we did and this is our punishment, I just hope that she can move forward the same person she was before she met me.

 

The OW's current feelings are likely a jumble from both her recent divorce and the end of the A with you. She has to heal from both of these. As others have emphasized, if you leave the OW alone, she will heal and move forward.

 

Re the bolded, I think the difference between what you say and what others are saying is that you are talking about feelings of love you have for your wife, but others are talking about the love that you demonstrate. A deep and true love is shown in all your actions, every day. Any hurtful action is stopped quickly and the bond repaired. Otherwise, the love is starved, rather than nurtured. Maybe you and your wife had that kind of love at some point, maybe you will have it again, but you have not been showing your wife true love for some time and not now. If the love you feel for your W is such a certainty for you, I do hope you those feelings realign with your actions and words. I don't think you can recover it without giving her the respect of honesty, so she can make her own decisions. Best of luck to you.

[beenburned]

Stevie,

 

I have enjoyed reading your posts! It amazes me how far you have come in such a short time period.

 

I think it is the "what ifs" that fuel an obsession with the affair partner.

 

Just because you have the spark/infatuation with this person does not mean they are permanent relationship material. Many people, when even dating, are on their best behavior around the OP.

 

But then when the relationship progresses into marriage/living together 24/7, you quickly realize there were many many things about the other person that you had not seen before.

 

Through the years of marriage, there might be lots of different people that you feel a connection/spark to.(thats normal) But what makes the difference is whether you honor the committment you have already made.

[beenburned]

woinlove,

 

Great post!!

[SoleMate]

is it possible to be her friend again in time?

No, no and no.

 

I am very disappointed to see you are either not reading or not comprehending what you've been told ad nauseam. Any further contact with the ex-OW is harmful to her, harmful to your marriage, disrespectful to your wife, and this all applies even if you live for another 50 years and only contact ex-OW in the year 2063.

 

You should be asking whether it's possible to be a truly faithful husband again (or ever), in time. (ANS. Only you know.)

 

Why do I feel, we're going to see 50 more threads from you, trying to somehow get our OK on your activities?

[shame_on_me]

No, no and no.

 

I am very disappointed to see you are either not reading or not comprehending what you've been told ad nauseam. Any further contact with the ex-OW is harmful to her, harmful to your marriage, disrespectful to your wife, and this all applies even if you live for another 50 years and only contact ex-OW in the year 2063.

 

You should be asking whether it's possible to be a truly faithful husband again (or ever), in time. (ANS. Only you know.)

 

Why do I feel, we're going to see 50 more threads from you, trying to somehow get our OK on your activities?

 

No this A has finished I am 1000% confident I will never again stray I am doing everything necessary to make my marriage happy and healthy again. My wife an I are becoming closer and it feels great she's great, she's amazing and wonderful and im starting to feel comfortable around her once more, things are finally on the up for us.

 

I'm still struggling with my emotions for exow though and I know I shouldnt be as I'm happy and content with my W. I just want to help her through this as a friend and nothing more, why can't I do this ?

[woinlove]

No this A has finished I am 1000% confident I will never again stray I am doing everything necessary to make my marriage happy and healthy again. My wife an I are becoming closer and it feels great she's great, she's amazing and wonderful and im starting to feel comfortable around her once more, things are finally on the up for us.

 

I'm still struggling with my emotions for exow though and I know I shouldnt be as I'm happy and content with my W. I just want to help her through this as a friend and nothing more, why can't I do this ?

 

Because even if you consider the xOW as only a friend, she likely has romantic feelings for you that go beyond friendship, and trying to be just friends when you want more is extremely painful. You want to be with your wife, but the xOW probably wanted to be with you, as she divorced her H and is now alone. If you don't want to leave your wife, then it is kindest to leave the xOW alone.

[anne1707]

I am doing everything necessary to make my marriage happy and healthy again.

 

 

I just want to help her through this as a friend and nothing more, why can't I do this ?

 

I can promise you Shame as a fWS who has succcessfully reconcilied that the above two comments are 100% contradictory. You cannot be doing everything for your marriage if you continue any contact whatsoever with your AP.

[ComingInHot]

shame;

Hate to burst your bubble... You did NOT damage this ow beyond repair.

 

Did you hurt her? yes

Are you still hurting her? yes

Will she recover? yes... Sooner too if you would just back the heck OFF!!!

 

Go home. Home to your wife. Home to your children. Just Go Home if that is your decision!!

[2sunny]

I love my wife there is no doubt about that and you may think what you wish on that subject. I have been with my wife longer than ow has been alive, its a different kind of love I feel.

 

Im just concerned about my exow I hate the thought that I have done this to her and that she feels she will never be happy within herself again. We cant go fully NC we live in the same town it is impossible to do this. She will not expose my A to my wife, although I quite rightly deserve this.

 

She is going through a divorce, (I think its finalised, I never asked her) she needs someone to comfort her, I wish I could but know its impossible.

 

You've helped make her a broken woman and you're surprised she's broken?

 

It's terrible that you even communicated with her! Leave her alone!

 

She was a misguided gal before you ever met her - that's why she chose to settle for the role of your OW.

 

She has work to do on herself!

 

Anything you do or say is interfering with her healing - so just leave her alone - she will get past the pain as time goes along - faster if she does counseling.

 

Stop being so selfish. You didn't need the ego stroke by reaching out to her!

[shame_on_me]

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

 

you are all getting me wrong, I know I miscommunicate I find it difficult to express my true feelings via typing.

 

I do not need that ego stroke anymore, I acknowledge I once did. Im just concerned for her well-being that is all, I DO NOT WANT TO ENTER AFFAIR WITH HER AGAIN!!!!! My family IS my top priority and please stop trying to insinuate otherwise, my family and I are all extremely happy at this time we are more of a unit now than ever before.

 

Which person would not feel shame/guilt over what they have done to a young woman ? why do you feel I should not feel this ? I acknowledge it is not completely my fault but still I participated in it.

 

She was not a drinker before this that is for certain, I knew about her car because i drove past her apartment (which has to be done to get to my own house there is no alternative) it was parked up one of the wheels were off, it was still like this days later.

Edited February 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[woinlove]

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

 

you are all getting me wrong, I know I miscommunicate I find it difficult to express my true feelings via typing.

 

I do not need that ego stroke anymore, I acknowledge I once did. Im just concerned for her well-being that is all, I DO NOT WANT TO ENTER AFFAIR WITH HER AGAIN!!!!! My family IS my top priority and please stop trying to insinuate otherwise, my family and I are all extremely happy at this time we are more of a unit now than ever before.

 

Which person would not feel shame/guilt over what they have done to a young woman ? why do you feel I should not feel this ? I acknowledge it is not completely my fault but still I participated in it.

 

She was not a drinker before this that is for certain, I knew about her car because i drove past her apartment (which has to be done to get to my own house there is no alternative) it was parked up one of the wheels were off, it was still like this days later.

 

I know you have closed my last thread William and i apologise for making another one so quickly, you may close or delete.

 

Shame, there is nothing wrong with your feelings. But it makes a difference what actions you take, and I hope after all the discussion from the previous thread, where OW/OM/AP/WS/BS were saying why it is important to leave the xOW alone to heal, that you can understand why that is the best thing you can do.