I've damaged her beyond repair

[Bittersweetie]

Shame,

 

People are just commenting on what they see through your posts based on their own experiences. If posters are getting you "wrong" then you may ignore their advice.

 

However, it seems there are a couple of things that you cannot seem to see:

 

1. To truly and fully reconcile with your wife, you cannot have any contact at all with your AP. That means texting, emailing, asking about her, googling her, even driving by her house (find another route, unless you live on a cul-de-sac there should be one).

 

2. Your AP is her own person who made her own choices and she will heal from them in her own time. She does not need your "help." And you did not "do this to her." She is not fifteen years old. Please give her some credit and leave her alone at this point. The fact that you cannot is why people are saying you need the ego stroke.

 

Your actions need to get in line with your words; that may be why people "are getting you wrong."

 

Make some solid choices and take the actions to back them up....look at my signature.

 

Good luck.

[anne1707]

Shame

 

I have been where you are in that I felt guilt for hurting the exOM. However to save my marriage, I had to focus on my marriage. NC is essential if you and your wife are to stand a chance. You absolutely cannot be friends with your exOW. You have to leave her to deal with her life and her problems just as you now need to deal with your life and problems.

[spice4life]

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

 

you are all getting me wrong, I know I miscommunicate I find it difficult to express my true feelings via typing.

 

I do not need that ego stroke anymore, I acknowledge I once did. Im just concerned for her well-being that is all, I DO NOT WANT TO ENTER AFFAIR WITH HER AGAIN!!!!! My family IS my top priority and please stop trying to insinuate otherwise, my family and I are all extremely happy at this time we are more of a unit now than ever before.

 

Which person would not feel shame/guilt over what they have done to a young woman ? why do you feel I should not feel this ? I acknowledge it is not completely my fault but still I participated in it.

 

She was not a drinker before this that is for certain, I knew about her car because i drove past her apartment (which has to be done to get to my own house there is no alternative) it was parked up one of the wheels were off, it was still like this days later.

 

I know you have closed my last thread William and i apologise for making another one so quickly, you may close or delete.

 

It sounds like you have genuine concern for her, but you are going about it in the wrong way. The only way to handle this is to stay away and let her heal. Contacting her in any way shape or form will only repoen the wound and reset her healing back to square one. Period. Let her be so she can figure out her life on her own. That is the best thing you can do.

 

Look, she allowed herself to be involved with you and now she needs to focus on healing and figure out why she did. Trying to rescue her because you feel bad is doing her a disservice as a person. You instead need to have faith that she will figure this all out. And she will. I'm pretty sure of that. Swooping in to help her out is taking away from her journey to learning how to take care of herself. It is, in a sense, self serving on your part. You feel a need to rescue her and that is what led you down this path to begin with. You need to seriously take a look at that. If you rescue her before she is able to figure it out on her own is telling her that she can't do it n her own. That is very damaging to her. She is an adult and NEEDS to figure this out for herself.

 

What should you do? You should have faith that she will eventually figure it out and will be okay. That's all you can do. She is getting a divorce right? That in of itself shows that she is strong and on the right path to living her life according to what SHE wants and needs. Trying to rescue her throws a wrench in that and sets her back. She WILL be fine .. she WILL figure this out .. she WILL move past this to living an authentic life.

[Journee]

You say that you do not want to bring the pain of betrayal to your wife's doorsteps. That you do not want your OW in pain. Your failure to realize that continued contact is a path for DDay is not wise. Once your betrayed wife learns the truth and of your continued contact I'm sure your posts will sing a different tune.

 

You have got to get a hold on this and plant your feet firmly. Your OW is not solely focused on you or your R. She most likely is mourning the loss of her marriage ,her family , her old and new life. Let her move forward without sprinkled contact. She is in the thick of everything. Of course she is hurting. You would likely be hurting if your life was in such upheaval. If you value your love for either woman you will find some resolve. You are heading for even more disaster. Smack dab in the middle of your M. Your focus will shift instantaneously. Choose where your loyalty lies and allow healing on all fronts.

 

I don't think we are misunderstanding anything. Your continued emotional involvement with OW is toxic for all involved.

[Survivor12]

Follow with me here...

 

You say that you want to make her feel better.

 

So, what exactly can you do to make that better since you won't leave your wife for her?

 

The truth is that not only won't anything you do or say make her feel "happy", your mere presence is a reminder of the pain she is feeling and deters her from healing.

 

Therefore, the best thing you could do for her is to leave her alone! Let her grieve the loss of her marriage and adapt to her "new normal". Stop being a barrier between her past and future.

 

This is about your ego as much as it is about her pain. You can't accept that you are incapable of "fixing" her...or that she may succeed in recovering without your participation.

 

In the meantime, although your physical affair may have ended, you continue to cheat on your wife emotionally. Of course, I am not convinced that your choice to continue your marriage is based solely on love for your wife but perhaps on your need to "make up for" your indiscretion in order to make yourself feel vindicated. Unfortunately, you cannot turn back the clock and change the choices that you have made and maintaining your marriage while keeping your wife in the dark does not take away the fact that you have cheated.

 

I urge you to be honest with yourself (and perhaps a counselor) about your true motives about "helping" your exgf, staying with your wife and why you had an affair in the first place. If you don't, there is a greater likelihood of the same thing happening again in the future. Attempting to avoid responsibility by making everyone "happy" doesn't change your actions.

Edited February 9, 2013 by Survivor12

[shame_on_me]

Ok I get it and im starting to understand why we cant be friends or have anymore contact.

 

I guess I find it difficult seeing her like this.

 

I will not do IC I have expressed my feelings on this on another post I do not and will not delve into "The Troubles" back in Irlend - NO

 

I cannot get an alternative route to bypass her house as it is the only road to go through to get to my own street, other access points are one-way only.

 

I will leave her be

 

Thanks again

[spice4life]

Another thing to consider, shame-on-me. Ask yourself what you are afraid of. Are you afraid that she will one day move past this and ask herself, "what the heck was I thinking?!" Answer that question honestly. If the answer is yes then your actions ARE based on ego and not genuine concern. If you truly are concerned for her then you will stay away and respect her right to heal. Contacting her means you don't really care about her because the contact creates more pain. If you care then why would you want to create more pain for her?

[anne1707]

If you won't tell your wife about your affair and you won't have IC, how do you plan to actually work on your marriage? You do need to tackle the problems that were in place before your affair but I am not sure how you can do that without being honest to your wife or yourself.

[William]

I'm going to close this pending conference with our head moderator. It appears that some posters are having difficulty following the direction of moderation and community guidelines.

 

This post has been moved due to a thread merge of a duplicate topic. Conference complete and this thread will be processed today and I expect it to be re-opened to conforming comments at that time.

 

Thanks for your participation.

 

Updated to re-open thread.....

Edited February 9, 2013 by William
Thread reopened

[Bittersweetie]

If you won't tell your wife about your affair and you won't have IC, how do you plan to actually work on your marriage? You do need to tackle the problems that were in place before your affair but I am not sure how you can do that without being honest to your wife or yourself.

 

Repeated again to emphasize the validity of this question.

 

What actions are you taking to move forward?

[ComingInHot]

Shame;

What do you want to hear?

What is it you're asking of us?

 

You've gotten the truth, from every side.

You've gotten understanding.

You've gotten suggestions/recommendations.

 

I believe you have everything you need to make Good choices being forward.

 

What then?

It comes across to me that you are just stalling in hopes everything will just take care of itself or go away.

 

It won't because it's YOU! Wherever you go, whatever you do, you will be taking You with You...

[dreamingoftigers]

Also. Heavens sake stop calling her this poor young woman. It makes hee sound like a child. She's 30. She am adult. She's not that young. She's had plenty of life experience. How he deals with rejection from something she should never have been in is on her. She SHOULD have consequences of her actions and so far she's had none as SHE initiated her divorce. She is just. Wallowing in self pity either because of the divorce (her choice) or the end of the affair (her choice to enter it).

 

It's ridiculous to think her age is in any way a factor against you here. Unless she was some naive and innocent 22 yo virgin when you got involved she really is totally responsible for her own pain from the affair.

 

Shame,

I am 30. I have a three-year old daughter.

 

I found out about my husband's indiscretions when I was 8 months pregnant with her.

 

I fought for my marriage tooth, nail, hook, line and sinker. There's now some steel in places where in a lot of folk there is spongy, squishy stuff.

 

I don't regret it one instant BUT you've never said anything about her H bring some kind of philandering, abusive douchebag. You've said she's "an angel" etc etc and she has at least one child if I'm not mistaken.

 

Yesterday morning I sat with my child on my bed and fixed her hair to get ready after reading some of this thread. My husband came in and I talked about this thread. It made me realize just how utterly disconnected one has to be from one's family and the interest of their own child to carry out an illicit affair that clearly, sheerly risks tearing the fabric of the child's family apart.

 

I could NEVER do that to my little daughter with her pigtails and "I do crafts all the time with Mommy and I love her"s.

 

She is probably troubled, yes most definitely. But she is also the same woman who knowingly went into this with you and helped you stab your wife in the back.

 

If anything should have damaged her or woken her up it's the damage she did to HERSELF via you and the damage she did to her family and child(ren?) doing it.

 

I am also the daughter of am adulterous father and if you don't think it damages kids to have that, you are behind those that know it.

 

As well, contacting your OW clearly sets her into a tailspin when she's already going through her own ordeal. How unfair for her kid(s) to have to deal with that.

 

Quit contacting her and causing that kind of fallout for innocent kids. I don't care what anyone says, this clearly affects her and will affect her parenting etc. Totally selfish and unfair but not surprising considering the whole affair was.

 

And those are kids you wouldn't even step up for if you had left your wife.

[shame_on_me]

Hi

 

Our family are doing many things to creat a better future for us, I cant go into much details for obvious reasons but we have decided to stop working weekends and spend them together, we are going more holidays both as a family and just the 2 of us.

 

I get what everyone is saying about exow and I will leave her alone from now on, she must do this alone it will most likely make her a stronger person.

 

to the poster who said I should hate her for causing my wife unknown pain, I find that absurd It is ultimately I who have caused the pain, yes exow participated but I was the one in a stable marriage and I am her H - blame solely on me for causing my wife pain.

 

As mentioned before I find it hard contain my emotions, exow is the only other woman I have been intimate with so I cannot judge what other relationships are like.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi

 

Our family are doing many things to creat a better future for us, I cant go into much details for obvious reasons but we have decided to stop working weekends and spend them together, we are going more holidays both as a family and just the 2 of us.

 

I get what everyone is saying about exow and I will leave her alone from now on, she must do this alone it will most likely make her a stronger person.

 

to the poster who said I should hate her for causing my wife unknown pain, I find that absurd It is ultimately I who have caused the pain, yes exow participated but I was the one in a stable marriage and I am her H - blame solely on me for causing my wife pain.

 

As mentioned before I find it hard contain my emotions, exow is the only other woman I have been intimate with so I cannot judge what other relationships are like.

 

I'm not sure if you are referring to me in the "hating" bit. I could never find the time to go over this thread with a fine-toothed comb.

 

But if it is me, I never said "hate her" or what have you.

 

I was pointing out that clearly her perspective at this age and point in her life cannot be that skewed unless she is somehow challenged to not see that she is really overstepping and aiding in the destruction of your wife and your 30 or 40 + year relationship.

 

She was 30 and married with children herself. There's no gray area there.

 

Furthermore, you've been banging the "it wouldn't have been anyone else if it wasn't her" drum a lot in various threads. This suggests that SPECIFICALLY if it wasn't her, there wouldn't have been the affair and thus no further (risked) injury to your wife.

 

Your wife and you both kicked down the intimacy if your relationship years ago with your arguing and lack of follow-through to fix things. Then you and OW knocked it right the **** out.

 

Sorry Shame, but at 30, married and with kids, she's part culpable.

 

We often try and boil things down into percentages and equations to help us understand them. Social and relational forces often don't break down quite so simply as I am sure you well understand even having stopped the affair and feeling that harsh, binding tethering to OW that you do.

 

She is very much responsible for this and being her "Superman" and hiding it under you cape won't stop that.

 

Keeping her behind that cape, away from your wife, certainly won't help with your ED issues with your wife either. That's going to be a very difficult process to rebuild at this point especially since it is going to look like a step down and in your own words "a different kind of love."

[shame_on_me]

I'm sure it was me DOT. For the MM I know hate was definitely a phase followed by just disgust and not thinking of her.

 

Read Infidelity. Many many BS blame the OP equally. And I believe rightly so. She was a mother who acted to destroy tw self esteem, psyche and life of another mother. Whether she thought it through like that or not. Not sure which is worse.

 

One thing is for sure you are betraying your wife by *defending* this woman as not to blame.

 

No I must disagree I took advantage of her when she was going through a difficult time in her marriage. Yes she will be partly to blame for my wifes hurt if we were ever to be found out, but I also know my wife and she will string me up and remove my balls and she will blame ME. The pain and anguish will be MY fault I could have easily walked away after our first kiss and stopped it there, I knew then I should have but I went after her as much as she did for me.

[Spark1111]

No I must disagree I took advantage of her when she was going through a difficult time in her marriage. Yes she will be partly to blame for my wifes hurt if we were ever to be found out, but I also know my wife and she will string me up and remove my balls and she will blame ME. The pain and anguish will be MY fault I could have easily walked away after our first kiss and stopped it there, I knew then I should have but I went after her as much as she did for me.

 

.....as much as she did for me.....

 

So, you didn't rape her, hold her captive did you?

 

At any point in time, she could have said no, don't call or I will no longer meet or see you, right?

 

But she didn't do that right?

 

So she is drinking too much, moved into her own place and is divorcing her H?

 

What makes you want to assume her drama has ANYTHING to do with you?

 

what is the pay off to think you must be the cause of this and only you can fix it for her?

 

maybe she has already secured your replacement. Worrying, wondering, about this woman just prevents YOU from moving forward with your life.

 

In still wanting to rescue her, feeling sorry for her, believing her pain has everything to do with you....keeps all that KISA drama in the forefront of your mind and heart and keeps you EMOTIONALLY invested in your AP.

 

RESCUE yourself. SAVE yourself. Go to IC....you are so close SOM, so close.

[AbeNormal]

No I must disagree I took advantage of her when she was going through a difficult time in her marriage. Yes she will be partly to blame for my wifes hurt if we were ever to be found out, but I also know my wife and she will string me up and remove my balls and she will blame ME. The pain and anguish will be MY fault I could have easily walked away after our first kiss and stopped it there, I knew then I should have but I went after her as much as she did for me.

 

The problem with that notion/thought is that she would have to be able to find them first...

 

Grow a new pair and come clean with your wife - it's the decent thing to do. And all this "confusion" you are having about how to deal with your former affair partner would then be settled by your wife.

[Spark1111]

 

Make sure you continue to protect the OW's reputation and minimize her behavior to your wife and mutual friends when you get caught.

 

This will speed up the divorce process and help your wife move on much quicker.

 

Poor GIRL. He took such advantage of her when he kissed her after she divulged how miserable her marriage was.

 

It's ALL his fault.

 

REALLY?

[Spark1111]

The problem with that notion/thought is that she would have to be able to find them first...

 

Grow a new pair and come clean with your wife - it's the decent thing to do. And all this "confusion" you are having about how to deal with your former affair partner would then be settled by your wife.

 

He refuses to do that because to CONTINUE to be his OW's KISA, he would have to confront how he did nothing to be his wife's KISA. I KNOW she coul have used one.

 

That will burst the KISA bubble for sure.

 

I know this. I lived it.

 

and when reality hit my fWS he had to live with the very real possibility that I would divorce his OW's KISA (HIM) and go find an AUTHENTIC and available one of my very own .....for about 3 years.

 

After DDay, I WAS the damsel in distress, with a man who had cheated on me for two years, and although I decided to reconcile....the KISAs kept coming out of the wood work for a very long time.

[Sarabi]

Guys, sorry...whats a KISA?

Thanks!!!

[Sarabi]

That would be an ego-driven male who needs to be a knight-in-shining-armor (KISA) for a damsel in distress.

 

Makes them feel wanted.

 

Ok. I am slowly learning with the acronyms. Thank you!!!

[chalkfarm]

I have to help her I wish she would hate me then at least she could be happy, this deadness she had in her voice was horrific to hear.

 

Oh, she hates you. Don't worry about that.

 

The best part is when you become nothing to her. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

[anne1707]

Oh, she hates you. Don't worry about that.

 

The best part is when you become nothing to her. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

 

Actually that is the best part because it means she has truly moved on. In time I hope that for Shame, the exOW means nothing to him.

[AbeNormal]

That would be an ego-driven male who needs to be a knight-in-shining-armor (KISA) for a damsel in distress.

 

Makes them feel wanted.

 

Thanks for that.

 

I was thinking it was "Knucklehead in Stupid Affair".

 

Maybe it's both...

[Spark1111]

Thanks for that.

 

I was thinking it was "Knucklehead in Stupid Affair".

 

Maybe it's both...

 

frequently KISAs are good guys who seek to feel important and empowered by saving a damsel ( or Dumsel:laugh:) in distress as it is a diversion of doing the hard work of saving and empowering themselves.

 

the affair is a symptom of unfinished childhood business. the AP irrelevant. the drama...over the top.

 

not that the BS will find much solace in that.