Let him go

[pinecome41]

to my love's W

 

My love told me that you had a D Day. He told me your cried and begged him to stay and give your M one more chance. You made him feel guilty for wanting to me with me. So he stayed. I know he would rather be with me. He's told me he's miserable with you and wants to be with me. Why don't you let him go? You know he doesn't love you anymore? I'm sorry he hurt you, but your M is over. Set him free so we can have a life together. As long as you hold on to him and your M, guilt will keep him tied to you. I love him, he loves me and you need to accept that and move on so we can have our love and be together full time.

[skywriter]

to my love's W

 

My love told me that you had a D Day. He told me your cried and begged him to stay and give your M one more chance. You made him feel guilty for wanting to me with me. So he stayed. I know he would rather be with me. He's told me he's miserable with you and wants to be with me. Why don't you let him go? You know he doesn't love you anymore? I'm sorry he hurt you, but your M is over. Set him free so we can have a life together. As long as you hold on to him and your M, guilt will keep him tied to you. I love him, he loves me and you need to accept that and move on so we can have our love and be together full time.

 

 

Nah, I'd say if he's an adult then he should act as such. Put his big boy pants on and make his own decision. The W isn't holding him against his will. He'll get over the guilt eventually.

 

Bottomline, it's his decision alone to make. Please don't wait for his W to decide for both because then he's putting you as 2 nd choice.

[waterwoman]

Not up to her to 'let him go'. It's up to him to find some cojones and leave! Assuming he really wants to.

[ComingInHot]

pinecome;

I think, after reading A-LOT here on the OM/OW forum, that you are in a place that many have been before w/blaming the victim, the betryed Wife for standing in the way of what you want & what your MM says he wants.

 

Same w/the BS. She finds it easier to blame the OW for "making" her WH stray.

 

Both are reactions to what this MM Chose to do to both of you.

 

It was hard for me to hear & be reminded that My Husband is to blame for breaking our marriage vows and the OW enabled him to do it.

 

I personally told him to go if she was who he wanted. He said he didn't & has been showing me that ever since.

 

I think it was his Own guilt that he stayed, not me "guilting" him into it. I Did want to save our marriage but Only if he did too. I don't think there was anything wrong in that.

 

I KNOW you are hurting for the choices you made and believing in this MM.

 

If he truly wants to be w/you, No amount of "guilting" crying or coercing by his Wife will change that or "keep" him from Ding to be w/you.

 

But PLEASE for your own healing, reconcider Blaming His Wife for ANYTHING having to do w/your A w/this MM. His cheating & your cheating is Not her fault nor is it an attack on you that she wants to try to save her marriage.

 

Peace be w/you*

[Got it]

to my love's W

 

My love told me that you had a D Day. He told me your cried and begged him to stay and give your M one more chance. You made him feel guilty for wanting to me with me. So he stayed. I know he would rather be with me. He's told me he's miserable with you and wants to be with me. Why don't you let him go? You know he doesn't love you anymore? I'm sorry he hurt you, but your M is over. Set him free so we can have a life together. As long as you hold on to him and your M, guilt will keep him tied to you. I love him, he loves me and you need to accept that and move on so we can have our love and be together full time.

 

Pine, I am sorry you are in pain right now. I know how hard it is right now when you feel that the man you love isn't choosing you. But sweetie, please look at what you wrote, do you really think he is being held there?

 

There is a saying about MP, they are where they want to be. He is free to make his choices, he is free to leave his marriage, he is free to stay married. I know its painful right now but right now he is deciding to stay married. That is where he wants to be. His choice.

 

Pine, I was an OW but I learned very early on to know that he made every decision, or nondecision that he wanted to. Neither I nor his wife ever held a gun to his head.

 

((((pine))))

[pinecome41]

Pine, I am sorry you are in pain right now. I know how hard it is right now when you feel that the man you love isn't choosing you. But sweetie, please look at what you wrote, do you really think he is being held there?

 

There is a saying about MP, they are where they want to be. He is free to make his choices, he is free to leave his marriage, he is free to stay married. I know its painful right now but right now he is deciding to stay married. That is where he wants to be. His choice.

 

Pine, I was an OW but I learned very early on to know that he made every decision, or nondecision that he wanted to. Neither I nor his wife ever held a gun to his head.

 

((((pine))))

 

He isn't choosing her. He's choosing me. We go places she never wants to go, we text all the time, we are in love and happy. We are the other half of each other. He stays with her out of guilt and because she's made threats about not letting him see his son if he leaves. She knows he loves me, so how can she stay with him knowing that. I couldn't be with a man who doesn't love me. Doesn't she have any pride at all?

 

I know I sound mean to his W, but I just want her to realize that the M is over and she needs to get on with her life. I feel bad for her, but part of me almost hates her for not letting him go. Why can't she just move on and find a man of her own?

[pinecome41]

:eek:A man of her own...how old are you?

 

I don't know why it matters, but I am in my late 20's.

 

I know that looks bad, but he isn't her man any more. He's made his choice and gave his heart to me:love:

[pteromom]

Why can't she just move on and find a man of her own?

 

She HAS a man of her own. I believe they stood before the world and promised to love each other forever even.

 

Here's the question I have for you - Considering that you KNOW your MM is a liar (he has engaged in an extramarital affair with you), why would you assume he is telling the truth when he claims to love you and choose you? Why do you assume he is telling the truth when he complains about his wife and says he is miserable with her?

 

Telling you all that stuff got him exactly what he wanted - sex and excitement and escape with you.

 

So don't you think he is also telling his wife exactly what she wants to hear in order to get what he wants with her as well? It isn't as if he is going to her and saying "Well, I love OW and wish I could be with her, but you are making me stay with you."

 

If you heard HER side of the story, you would hear about how she found out about his affair and he cried and expressed regret and begged her to forgive him and give him another chance.

 

So expecting her to just know of his feelings for you and stepping out of the way is unrealistic. He's lying to her too.

[pinecome41]

I'm picturing that scene from 9 to 5 where the guy is in shackles on a cable rigged to a garage door opener that hoists him to the ceiling whenever he starts getting too obstreperous.

 

Um, no. He isn't leaving because he doesn't WANT to leave. He tells you his wife was crying? I'm betting it was HIM wallowing in his tears begging HER to let HIM stay. He just puts a good spin on it to keep you right where he wants you.

 

 

I know she was crying. He called me right after and I could hear her in the background. We had planned that he was going to tell her it was over between them and comfort her a bit then come over to my place to make plans for our future.

[pinecome41]

She HAS a man of her own. I believe they stood before the world and promised to love each other forever even.

 

Here's the question I have for you - Considering that you KNOW your MM is a liar (he has engaged in an extramarital affair with you), why would you assume he is telling the truth when he claims to love you and choose you? Why do you assume he is telling the truth when he complains about his wife and says he is miserable with her?

 

Telling you all that stuff got him exactly what he wanted - sex and excitement and escape with you.

 

So don't you think he is also telling his wife exactly what she wants to hear in order to get what he wants with her as well? It isn't as if he is going to her and saying "Well, I love OW and wish I could be with her, but you are making me stay with you."

 

If you heard HER side of the story, you would hear about how she found out about his affair and he cried and expressed regret and begged her to forgive him and give him another chance.

 

So expecting her to just know of his feelings for you and stepping out of the way is unrealistic. He's lying to her too.

 

Look, I feel bad that his W is hurt, but I didn't hurt her. Their M was dead long before I showed up, and she knows that. I don't really care too much what her side is. That's between them. I just know I love him and hope she can get her mind around that soon.

 

I know he didn't lie to me about it. Why would he have to lie? He loves me, and knows I love him and that whenever he wants to, he can be together full time. Why would he beg her to stay when he loves me and wants to be with me? Why wouldn't he do that unless she begged him not to?

[pteromom]

I know she was crying. He called me right after and I could hear her in the background. We had planned that he was going to tell her it was over between them and comfort her a bit then come over to my place to make plans for our future.

 

I'm sure she WAS crying. Wouldn't you, if you found out your husband had an affair? That doesn't mean he wasn't crying too. It doesn't mean he was talking to you, saying what you want to hear, and doing the same with her. It doesn't mean he didn't promise to recommit himself to her right before he picked up the phone to talk to you.

[sweet_pea]

I don't know why it matters, but I am in my late 20's.

 

I know that looks bad, but he isn't her man any more. He's made his choice and gave his heart to me:love:

 

Sure did make a choice. Aaaaand, that is to stay.

[pteromom]

I know he didn't lie to me about it. Why would he have to lie? He loves me, and knows I love him and that whenever he wants to, he can be together full time.

 

Why would he have to lie????

 

Maybe because he wants to keep both you AND his wife. If he lies to you, he keeps you on the hook. If he lies to her, he can keep her too. Win-win for him.

 

Why would he beg her to stay when he loves me and wants to be with me?

 

You do not know what is really in his heart. You only know what he tells you. I am CERTAIN he tells you he loves you and wants to be with you. And I am pretty sure he is telling her the same thing.

[pinecome41]

Now she's acting like is mommy. She checks up on him and thinks she has all his passwords. She doesn't. We are still in touch almost all the time, but she doesn't know it:cool:. She's even tried to get him to have sex with her, but he can't anymore. He feels like he's cheating on me when she tries:love:

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sounds like everyone is on the same page then! You know, he knows, she knows. Since he knows you love him, then he won't care that she begged him. Why don't you send her the letter and let us know what she replies? Or better yet go ever shake her hand and tell her in person, then she'll understand.

[veryhappy]

She won't let him go and he won't leave. You are in the 90%+ category. Your affair turned out to be a cliche.

 

Tell him to only talk to you if he's divorced, and do not look back. He'll be now too worried to make it up to her, and you might just be the resuscitation that their M needed to survive. It hurts, but that's the way it goes for the OW.

 

Let go of fighting for him, or whatever other related ideas you may have. Keep your dignity and walk away.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Now she's acting like is mommy. She checks up on him and thinks she has all his passwords. She doesn't. We are still in touch almost all the time, but she doesn't know it:cool:. She's even tried to get him to have sex with her, but he can't anymore. He feels like he's cheating on me when she tries:love:

 

Seriously, he told you he has a problem with cheating??

[pteromom]

She's even tried to get him to have sex with her, but he can't anymore. He feels like he's cheating on me when she tries:love:

 

ALL MM in affairs say this. Again, having the evidence that he is a liar, why do you automatically believe everything he says based only on the way it makes you feel?

[pteromom]

Seriously, he told you he has a problem with cheating??

 

Good point. He says "it feels like he's cheating when he tries" to sleep with his wife.

 

Let's see, what does it feel like for him when he's cheating? Let's see... when he is cheating, he's happy, in love, and gives his heart to the person he's cheating with.

 

So based on what he told you, him saying it feels like he's cheating means he's falling back in love with his wife!

[sweet_pea]

You do realize that if he WANTED to be with you, he WOULD be with you, right?

 

Guilt, staying for the kids... all of that is just excuses.

 

If he loves you like you say he does, he'd move mountains to be with you.

 

All of these things that you claim prevent him from being with you could easily be handled in court.

 

You're young. Why are you wasting your time with a man who has proven to be a cheater (and if he ends up with you, could very well cheat on you)? You have no way of verifying anything that he tells you.

Edited February 8, 2013 by sweet_pea

[pinecome41]

Of course I want to be with him full time. Starting our relationship as an A was not the best way, but we are both proud of our love and don't want to hide it. He even bought a ring for me to wear. He says it's so that when I feel sad, I can look at it and know he's thinking of me and sad too. Of course I want to be with him full time. Who wouldn't want to with the person they love? Even if we can't be together right now, I am happy to be with him. I don't understand why she doesn't have more pride than to stay with a man who doesn't love her.

[sweet_pea]

Of course I want to be with him full time. Starting our relationship as an A was not the best way, but we are both proud of our love and don't want to hide it. He even bought a ring for me to wear. He says it's so that when I feel sad, I can look at it and know he's thinking of me and sad too. Of course I want to be with him full time. Who wouldn't want to with the person they love? Even if we can't be together right now, I am happy to be with him. I don't understand why she doesn't have more pride than to stay with a man who doesn't love her.

 

And I don't understand why he doesn't have enough pride to be with the woman he claims to love so much. Why is he hiding the love of his life? Why not leave his wife and show you off to the world?!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

. Originally Posted by pinecome41

He told me that he has to lie to her so he doesn't hurt her. he told me she knows we were together and that he wanted out of their M, but she won't let him go. She thinks he's stopped seeing me, but he hasn't. We are just very careful about not getting caught. I think she either suspects he's cheating but doesn't say anything, or she's too foolish to see what is right in front of her face.

 

If he's told her, why in this world would you have to worry about being caught?? If he's told her, why is he hiding you from the world? Don't you see what's plainly in front of your face?

[whichwayisup]

to my love's W

 

My love told me that you had a D Day. He told me your cried and begged him to stay and give your M one more chance. You made him feel guilty for wanting to me with me. So he stayed. I know he would rather be with me. He's told me he's miserable with you and wants to be with me. Why don't you let him go? You know he doesn't love you anymore? I'm sorry he hurt you, but your M is over. Set him free so we can have a life together. As long as you hold on to him and your M, guilt will keep him tied to you. I love him, he loves me and you need to accept that and move on so we can have our love and be together full time.

 

Pretend I am your MM's wife.

Dear OW - My husband lies, you should know this. I found out the truth and wanted to kick him out. He BEGGED ME to let him stay. He said you were the one chasing him and pushing him to leave me. Why should I hand over my husband to you without a fight? Yes, he and I have issues, those are OUR issues to work on. He shouldn't have gone outside the marriage, he's an idiot and with marriage counseling he's going to fix himself as well as our marriage.

You don't 'have' him the way I do. I have kids, history, family, friends, a life built with him. Memories and love (not just sex and fun in an affair filled fantasy bubble, hidden behind closed doors), a life built together.

 

 

 

My advice (as me the poster now) is to realize your MM has been lying to you, omitting truths. He is where he wants to be. If a man is that miserable in his marriage, he WILL leave. Divorce. Your MM hasn't done that. BY CHOICE. So don't blame his wife for his choice to stay. People divorce all the time, sure it isn't easy but it can be done.

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand why she doesn't have more pride than to stay with a man who doesn't love her.

 

Because he has not told her a thing and he's loving having two women to meet his needs, why should he give one of you up? He gets to have a wife at home, keep life simple there - And he has you for fun on the side, to fulfill excitement.

 

Again if he wanted to divorce, he would. He is where he wants to be.. Him giving you a ring is to make you get off his back, keep you happy and quiet.

 

Hey, I think you should go talk to his wife directly and tell her what you've said here. Really - Do it. see her reaction and your MM's reaction. At least by doing this you'll find out the truth and see who he chooses.