Let him go

[Fallen Petals]

Jumping in late in the game. Pinecomb...My now xMM is miserable with his wife. Dday just happened and all the wounds are still fresh...the moment he told me they were going to counselling there was no question for me - I left the R. Having an A is nothing to be proud of. Being a mans second choice is not respecting yourself. No matter how much you take care of yourself, no matter how much he loves you - he's not respecting you by keeping you a very evident "dirty little secret" and you're not respecting yourself by being proud of that fact. I LOVE my xMM. I am shattered and wounded and trying to heal, I'm a mess. But you know what? I DESERVE BETTER. SO DOES HIS W. SO DOES HE. He's miserable with her, but he's staying, that's his choice. She told him she won't let him go, wants to fight for him....he has cheated on her before....this is her choice. They are now going to have to live out their choice, and guess what, I get to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move forward, knowing that there is a possibility I will find a man who will love me like he did - but without having to wait for him to decide to make me first in his life. He'll be man enough to just do that.

 

YOU deserve not to be a second choice. And I'm sorry for the frustration you're going through while you wait for him to do something about his situation.

[Zetarry]

Look, I feel bad that his W is hurt, but I didn't hurt her. [/b]Their M was dead long before I showed up[/b]and she knows that. I don't really care too much what her side is. That's between them. I just know I love him and hope she can get her mind around that soon.

 

I know he didn't lie to me about it. Why would he have to lie? He loves me, and knows I love him and that whenever he wants to, he can be together full time. Why would he beg her to stay when he loves me and wants to be with me? Why wouldn't he do that unless she begged him not to?

 

Ok If their marriage was dead long before you showed up, why was he not divorced, or better yet, why didn't he divorce her as soon as he met you and have a legitimate honest relationship where he might even marry you?...I believe it will be my only post here as I am really biased in my opinion of home-wreckers or women who would even come close to a married man, so here's me hoping ur relationship with him lasts longer than his marriage

[stevie_23]

Hmm...

 

I haven't read every single post in this rather long thread, but I get a few impressions...

 

- The OP is fairly young

- The OP does not understand that everyone has their own mind and acts on their own desires - that nobody can be FORCED to stay in a marriage when they truly want to leave it (and if he isn't leaving now, when he's in love with you? He may never leave)

- The OP reminds me a bit of me in a way

 

I felt a few slight pangs of embarrassment reading the letter written to the MM's wife. I would NEVER go so far as to do that sort of thing (not that she has, since she posted it here and didn't actually send it), but this is the totally irrational side of my feelings while we were together and after it ended too.

 

He told me he cared for her and they shared a love, but not the type of love that really fulfilled him. He was IN love with me and would be with me if I was free (not with someone else). There's a bunch more but I won't go into it now. It's been said before in many different threads.

 

I knew all along that HE was the only one who could make the decision to leave at any stage, that no matter what she did or how she felt, if he REALLY wanted to leave, he would. And the fact he's still there tells me he preferred to stay. It doesn't matter how simple or how complicated a situation is...ultimately, it is HIS decision. And it's no different with the OP's MM.

 

But as I said above, on the other side, the totally irrational / longing side, I was very occasionally disappointed (not angry or resentful) at his W for not "letting him go". They had 4 D-days during our almost 2 years together. Each time he still stayed.

 

I actually, as opposed to feeling like SHE is the one at fault, feel sad for ALL of them. For him for "settling" for someone he's not in love with and has hurt so many times with his actions in trying to be with someone he IS in love with. I feel sad for her for staying with a husband who she knows wants (to an extent) to be with someone else and has been acting on that for half their entire relationship's length. They will never be 100% right for each other. But that's their choice.

[Lostinlife4now]

OK, now the above it not true at all. But, to the Original Poster, listen to me. I am a man who had an OW. I was completely, desperately, head over heels in love with this OW. Wild horses could not have kept me away from her. I divorced my then wife and married her.

 

A man who truly loves you will be with you. No matter what the cost. If he remains with his wife, it is because that is where he wants to be.

 

Please accept nothing less.

 

 

Good for you Happyatlast...Good for you!

[pinecome41]

I feel so bad. The other day I was out shopping and I saw my love out shopping in the same store. I thought he was alone, so I went over and said hi and started talking to him. The next thing I know, his W came over and he introduced me to her as a friend from work. I felt so awkward! She was very friendly and she seemed so nice. She said how nice it was to meet me, and I said my goodbyes and walked away.

 

Now I feel numb, ashamed and really bad for her. She seemed so nice. I don't know what to do. I still love my MM and want to be with him, but I don't want her to be hurt. How can I help make that happen? I'm starting to think she doesn't know about us, and I don't want to betray him by letting her know for sure that he's been with me and we are in love.

 

While I feel really bad for her, there must be something in their M or just in her personally that makes him open to cheating. Having their M end would be best for the two of them, but how do I help make that happen in a way that doesn't hurt her too much or betray his trust in me?

[pteromom]

While I feel really bad for her, there must be something in their M or just in her personally that makes him open to cheating.

 

I am REALLY sorry this happened to you, but it isn't her. Even if she isn't a perfect wife and even if she is a HORRIBLE wife, what makes him open to cheating comes from within him.

 

This makes it even more obvious he is lying to you both.

[truthbetold]

I feel so bad. The other day I was out shopping and I saw my love out shopping in the same store. I thought he was alone, so I went over and said hi and started talking to him. The next thing I know, his W came over and he introduced me to her as a friend from work. I felt so awkward! She was very friendly and she seemed so nice. She said how nice it was to meet me, and I said my goodbyes and walked away.

 

Now I feel numb, ashamed and really bad for her. She seemed so nice. I don't know what to do. I still love my MM and want to be with him, but I don't want her to be hurt. How can I help make that happen? I'm starting to think she doesn't know about us, and I don't want to betray him by letting her know for sure that he's been with me and we are in love.

 

While I feel really bad for her, there must be something in their M or just in her personally that makes him open to cheating. Having their M end would be best for the two of them, but how do I help make that happen in a way that doesn't hurt her too much or betray his trust in me?

 

Simple answer, you can't. These are people not puppets within your control. You cannot control another person's actions, only your own.

 

You really have no idea if there is something wrong with their marriage or more likely from what you described, have a guy that just has self entitlement issues and is broken within himself. Some people don't "need" a reason to cheat, some just do to fill their own personal void. That sounds like the kind of guy you have and you will never be enough to fill the void in a person. It's not something that can be filled by another person or externally, he needs to look deep inside as to why he's like this.

[skywriter]

pinecone.

Now I feel numb, ashamed and really bad for her. She seemed so nice. I don't know what to do. I still love my MM and want to be with him, but I don't want her to be hurt. How can I help make that happen? I'm starting to think she doesn't know about us, and I don't want to betray him by letting her know for sure that he's been with me and we are in love.

Why do you feel numb and ashamed? If you don't want to hurt her, you need to stop the A. Of course she doesn't know you are in an A with her H.

 

If she did he'd have introduced you as his girlfriend and not friend from work.

[ComingInHot]

Pincome;

I am sorry that happened and he did that to you today! How embarrassing and humiliating that must have felt that he totally minimized you.

 

I mean it is probably one thing to not want to get busted, but it would have crushed me to see both of them together SHOPPING no less after all the things he told you they "never" do AND then to find out she is actually a nice person.

 

It never feels good to be minimized by anyone we care about.

[CautionaryTale]

Honey, I've been following this thread for a while now. You have received some really amazing advice from BOTH sides of the coin here.

 

I have no doubt that this man has feelings for you, or even loves you, in his own way. He is where he is because that's where he wants to be right now. Nothing you can do will change that, the only person that can truly put an end to this triangle is him.

 

No matter what happens, what the outcome, this won't be pleasant. If he stays with his W and ends the A, you're going to be (of course) devastated, his W will be wrecked and it's going to be an enormous mess.

 

If he leaves his W for you, he will be devastated, his wife will be devastated and you will have to watch him go through pain. She will still be in his life for quite some time as it's not as easy as "I'm done, see ya later". He is not 100% over his marriage or he'd have left already and wouldn't have shunned you at the mall, or had been there with her at all (as he told you he never does that with her).

 

If nothing changes and you just continue as is, you're miserable. You are because you're here (on LS) and it's driving you crazy. You don't want to be in this position anymore. You love him but, how long can you be second? Can you continue this forever? In a perfect world (For him) that's how this will go.

 

There's one more option which I don't think you're ready to take, but I hope someday you might be and, that's for you to walk away. You can end the triangle. He will be sad and he'll miss you and, for a while you'll miss him. it will be very hard to stay NC, not to answer his texts, emails, calls but, if you manage it, you would come out the winner. You'll move on and someday find someone who will never put you in a position like this. Someone who will, from day one, make you their #1 priority.

 

No matter which route you take, it's all going to be hard and painful. I'm sorry.

[veryhappy]

Yes, she doesn't know about you. She probably doesn't know they are allegedly having problems. He might be one of those whose marriage is happy for everyone, including the two married individuals.

 

Cut your loses, drop his behind, move on. If it's any consolation, I bet he was sweating like a pig on the inside.

[sweet_pea]

Um excuse me, I never said how MISERABLE he was. Maybe miserable was a bad word to use. He is not an "abused hubby" type miserable, but he is not happy. He married young. They have nothing in common and don't talk. I know these things for a fact. He chooses to stay for his son. Just like I would. Maybe trapped is a better word. So what is the big deal and WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE SOMEONE CAN BE MISERABLE/TRAPPED IN A RELATIONSHIP? I was trapped in one for three years and it wasn't til I had the $$$ to leave that I was finally out of there. I wasn't miserable but I was NOT HAPPY that was for sure. More just comfortable if anything.

 

The thing is, you don't know for a fact. You are not in their marriage, so how do you know? Because he's told you so? And you believe him and his word because?....

Edited February 15, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JamesM]

This....

 

to my love's W

 

My love told me that you had a D Day. He told me your cried and begged him to stay and give your M one more chance. You made him feel guilty for wanting to me with me. So he stayed. I know he would rather be with me.

 

And this...

 

I'm starting to think she doesn't know about us, and I don't want to betray him by letting her know for sure that he's been with me and we are in love.

 

So did they or didn't hey have a DDay? You need to have a straight talk with your MM. I am afraid of what you may learn.

 

While I feel really bad for her, there must be something in their M or just in her personally that makes him open to cheating. Having their M end would be best for the two of them, but how do I help make that happen in a way that doesn't hurt her too much or betray his trust in me?

 

No, they could actually have a decent marriage. He could simply be cheating because he can. It could be that there is a problem, but she doesn't think he is cheating.

 

Or it could be that she thinks he is rebuilding and not thinking of leaving.

 

I suggest a long talk with him.

[anna121]

Whoa. You are IN LOVE with a man and you don't even know the age of his child?

[anna121]

Thank you for this. I was beginning to think no one understood. Everyone on LS seems to want me to think he's lying and that I should feel bad for his W. I feel bad that she's hurting, but really not that much. if she had been a better W, he wouldn't have cheated.

Maybe I should thank her. If she had been better, we

wouldn't have started a relationship and we wouldn't be in love

 

I'm sorry. This entire thread is punctuated with gems like the above....and it's making me laugh.

[whichwayisup]

I feel so bad. The other day I was out shopping and I saw my love out shopping in the same store. I thought he was alone, so I went over and said hi and started talking to him. The next thing I know, his W came over and he introduced me to her as a friend from work. I felt so awkward! She was very friendly and she seemed so nice. She said how nice it was to meet me, and I said my goodbyes and walked away.

 

Now I feel numb, ashamed and really bad for her. She seemed so nice. I don't know what to do. I still love my MM and want to be with him, but I don't want her to be hurt. How can I help make that happen? I'm starting to think she doesn't know about us, and I don't want to betray him by letting her know for sure that he's been with me and we are in love.

 

While I feel really bad for her, there must be something in their M or just in her personally that makes him open to cheating. Having their M end would be best for the two of them, but how do I help make that happen in a way that doesn't hurt her too much or betray his trust in me?

 

Do you honestly believe this is her fault? If so, then you're in a whirl wind of some not so nice surprises in the up coming months. You have no idea what's around the corner.

 

He is such a liar and he's good at this game. Enough said and you'll see and experience this in the up coming weeks/months. You've been given great advice and aren't hearing it at all so I guess you'll have to learn on your own.

 

Good luck.

[waterwoman]

Just let her know what's going on. Someone needs to, and your 'love' sure as hell hasn't.

[Sarabi]

OK, now the above it not true at all. But, to the Original Poster, listen to me. I am a man who had an OW. I was completely, desperately, head over heels in love with this OW. Wild horses could not have kept me away from her. I divorced my then wife and married her.

 

A man who truly loves you will be with you. No matter what the cost. If he remains with his wife, it is because that is where he wants to be.

 

Please accept nothing less.

 

Look at this post from a man who left his wife to be with the woman he loves.

Current and former OW tell us we deserve more. Betrayed spouses amazingly tell us we deserve more. Happily married people tell us we deserve more...so many people tell us we deserve more.

Its valentine's day...where are our married men? What did you get from yours? Mine is busy telling me he is going out to dinner with his wife (quite rightly so because she is the love of his life)...

2013 is still young...Lets stop wasting our lives on these men and listen to these people and move forward

 

(I know I should take my own advice but its far easier to tell other people to hope for a better situation )

[skywriter]

He didn't mean to start an affair. It just sort of happened and we were in love.

 

i did see his wife once when we worked together. She looked like she was pretty once, but now she's overweight. She's around the same age as me, but looks older and doesn't seem to care about her hair, makeup or how she dresses at all. I think that's part of why he fell for me. I take good care of myself and it shows.

 

Everyone says that if he and I get married, he'd probably cheat on me too. I know he wouldn't, as I'd never give him a reason to. He is an honest and loving man, but he just couldn't take it anymore. She just wasn't there for him the way he needed her to be. I was.

 

 

I had a friendgirl of thirty years confide in me about being in an A, once.

 

This MM was someone she'd grown up with. She said, she'd known him as far back as being in diapers.

 

Long story short, they went in different directions as young adults and lost track of one another. They married different people and she had a daughter, meanwhile he and his W had a son.

 

Time past and eventually they made contact. His son was grown. He talked to her about his marital woes and they began to meet up, started a phycical A.

 

Eventually my friendgirl began to ask, what's the next level of our relationship? He was happy and content with the FWB, so he led her to believe he wanted to start a new life with her.

 

It never happened and she eventually called off the A and cut off all contact.

 

Now I gave you an extermely condensed version of a story of a woman who lost a lifetime friend and was extremely offended by his ability to jack her around, drag her into his marital issues and use her to fill in where something," may or may not", have been lacking at the time in his relationship with his W.

 

It really screwed with her head for a couple of years following that. He went back to his homelife and she never seen nor heard from him.

[Sarabi]

While I feel really bad for her, there must be something in their M or just in her personally that makes him open to cheating. Having their M end would be best for the two of them, but how do I help make that happen in a way that doesn't hurt her too much or betray his trust in me?

 

By the way, I am roughly the same age as you. Maybe you won't feel like me but for me...the whole thing is becoming a massive head****...how does he love this woman and is capable of doing this stuff to her??? For me it doesn't make sense. It never did...but now its really becoming ridiculous to me

 

Having their marriage end would be best for the two of them...you think? Please don't you be the one to make it happen ...yes there is something in him or in their marriage that makes him cheat...but it is their problem not yours. Do you not get headaches from overanalysing their relationship and wondering why he does that to her and why he is wasting time with her and not just being with you instead?

 

I don't know WHY YOU would want to be the one to help end their marriage I have never ever wanted that for my MM and his wife. If they ever did do that I don't want them to stand infront of a lawyer(or whatever) and say it was because of ME. If they want to end it let them deal with that...not you.

 

And stop working so hard for this man! I am sure they enjoy knowing about every minute of our pining and our "jealousy" towards their wives for getting the attention we apparently think we deserve. Its an ego boost...Is he even worth the effort..??? He introduced you as a friend to his wife...If he realises he really loves you and wants to end it...let him end it. Walk away...if he wants you let him come and find you one day after he is divorced and let him work for you (like Happyatlast).

 

As one of my friends would say (in her poor English but I find it so sweet!) "that guy is a massive crap"

[Got it]

Pine - you can't. This is his decision. Ignore his words and listen to his actions, what are they telling you?

[WhatsTheAnswer]

I'm a MM that just had the A end 3 months ago. We were in the same spot as you. I too loved my OW with all my heart. She was married when we started and then got a divorce.

 

But I too, didn't move fast enough and leave. I had doubts and concerns from leaving to be with the OW to the issues of leaving the M. But no matter what he really feels about you, the fact that he is going to the unknown and leaving a secure world to an unsure world with you and that is a tough and paralyzing decision that most men won't make. I had huge concerns on both sides. We run to what we know to feel secure and that is usually with the W. No matter what the reason everyone is right, us MM don't leave.

 

My poor OW was waiting for me. I felt horrible. I wished I had the balls to leave as I did love her as well. But it doesn't matter in the end I didn't do it. And neither will your guy.

 

Today she is with a single guy and loving her new life. I am crushed and still wish we could have been somehow been together. But in reality if she came back to me today......I probably still wouldn't have left when push comes to shove. The difference between the fog of the relationship and reality.

[ComingInHot]

WhatTheAnswer

I kind of feel bad for your W...

[WhatsTheAnswer]

WhatTheAnswer

I kind of feel bad for your W...

 

I feel the same.

[secretlady76]

I'm a MM that just had the A end 3 months ago. We were in the same spot as you. I too loved my OW with all my heart. She was married when we started and then got a divorce.

 

But I too, didn't move fast enough and leave. I had doubts and concerns from leaving to be with the OW to the issues of leaving the M. But no matter what he really feels about you, the fact that he is going to the unknown and leaving a secure world to an unsure world with you and that is a tough and paralyzing decision that most men won't make. I had huge concerns on both sides. We run to what we know to feel secure and that is usually with the W. No matter what the reason everyone is right, us MM don't leave.

 

My poor OW was waiting for me. I felt horrible. I wished I had the balls to leave as I did love her as well. But it doesn't matter in the end I didn't do it. And neither will your guy.

 

Today she is with a single guy and loving her new life. I am crushed and still wish we could have been somehow been together. But in reality if she came back to me today......I probably still wouldn't have left when push comes to shove. The difference between the fog of the relationship and reality.

 

Totally agree with the above. I am a MW and had an affair with a MM. We fell in love and decided to tell our spouses and be with eachother.

 

Well, didn't go according to plan. I told my husband, but I didn't leave...don't know why, but my gut told me that MM wasn't going to go through with it and really, I was starting to realise what I was about to lose.

 

MM told his wife and he got chucked out. She tracked me down and nearly beat me up. MM went home the next day to talk....basically, to cut a long story short, he decided to stay, go to marriage councilling and give it one last shot. Told me he could no longer be in touch with me whilst this happened. I decided to take the control back myself and I told him 'Goodbye'....I was no longer an option. Best thing I ever did. Ok, it feels bloody awful and I miss him, but I didn't want to be in the 'Will he, won't he' situation. I am no fall back...he had his chance and he didn't choose it. HIS ACTIONS ARE ALL I NEEDED...WORDS ARE CHEAP.

 

Never again.

 

Of course with him out of my life I can also focus on my own marriage and we are going to councelling etc. We all have to try before we throw in the towel.

 

All I will say is that it may be easier to simply give yourself some respect and say 'Goodbye'.....walk away and go N/C.