Friend Roomate question

[2betex]

I live wiht a 40 year old mother of three 18, 14, 13... two boys and I 14 year old girl. She had moved awayf for 9 months and went to a very bad place, she would call me every 10 to 14 days cring and blowing up by stress and being miserable. I always cheered her up, now she has moved back and moved in with me. For about a month now she has had manyups and downs. She confides in me with the deepest emotiona nd thoughts. Things she has never told any one else. She contacntly tests me with questions like, If I date someone will you get pissed or your feelings hurt and various things like that.

 

I know she does not trust men at all, she was burned real bad a couple of times and her ex husband and his new wife are nuts and screww with her via her kids contantly. She always make plans with her kids and includes me as I am part of er family, then she aludes to something different. I get totall y mixed signals.

 

She is always telling that she is going to test me and see if I am misrepresenting myself, She probably understands that I really do care for her and would think she does me but she is sort of a hardened person due to her life... Foster child, mom died when she was very young, very disfuntional family. I have been the most positive thing in her life I think she has ever been around.

 

She says we are just friends and then she makes long term plans with me and her kids. We are not physical, hardly even touch each other, sort of wierd, as we both have tension in this area as we avoid that as I think we are both scared to embrace this. She said she woul dnot ride on my Harleyt becasue is it intimate in her eyes, I get that, then she said she probably would.

 

Funny, I am as naive as one could get when it comes to woman and this area. I was married for over 25 years and she came into my life by coincidence. We have not ran out of things to talk about for over a months, her kids really like me, and her son told me that out of all her aquaintances, they were pennies and I am a nickel in comparrison.

Even her 14 year old duaghter likes me,

 

I may be nuts but how do I change this too much more. I am crazy about her, in every way.

[sunrise24]

Your situation shares some key similarities with mine.

In my situation, the unanimous feedback thus far supports the conclusion that she and I are destined to remain just friends. In your case, I have some questions for consideration before I lean toward a conclusion.

 

She constantly tests me with questions like: If I date someone will you get pissed or your feelings hurt, and various things like that.

This is natural coming from someone who has a history of being in toxic relationships (which my love interest has also experienced), and such questions are indeed important to consider.

Do you regularly make time for yourself in solitude, so that you can continue getting to know yourself and reflect upon important life questions? From my experience: solitude has been very helpful in helping me to effectively deal with life's challenges, including those of complex relationships.

 

She always make plans with her kids and includes me as I am part of her family, then she alludes to something different. I get totally mixed signals.

What kinds of things does she allude to?

 

She says we are just friends and then she makes long term plans with me and her kids.

What kinds of long term plans?

Long term plans do not have to include romance; in this case, it sounds like she is grateful to finally have someone in her life who is there for her and gives her sincere support. At the same time, it sounds like she associates romance with those experiences of being burned and is (at the moment) resisting a romantic relationship with you to ensure that she doesn't get burned all over again. It follows that she would love to have you around as the nurturing influence on her children that she was lacking when she was growing up.

How is her relationship with her children? What are some examples of a healthy influence that you've had on them?

 

I was married for over 25 years and she came into my life by coincidence.

What was your marriage like? What happened to it and what did you learn that can be applied to this relationship scenario? What coincidence are you talking about?

 

I may be nuts but how do I change this too much more.

What/who are you trying to change? Very important lessons I've learned in life: you can't change who people are without breaking them, and life is primarily what you do with what you're given. Ultimately, you can only change yourself.

 

***

 

A final thought: from my experiences in modern industrialized society, money affects everything, including love; how is your financial situation?

Edited February 8, 2013 by sunrise24

[2betex]

Your situation shares some key similarities with mine.

In my situation, the unanimous feedback thus far supports the conclusion that she and I are destined to remain just friends. In your case, I have some questions for consideration before I lean toward a conclusion.

 

 

This is natural coming from someone who has a history of being in toxic relationships (which my love interest has also experienced), and such questions are indeed important to consider.

Do you regularly make time for yourself in solitude, so that you can continue getting to know yourself and reflect upon important life questions? From my experience: solitude has been very helpful in helping me to effectively deal with life's challenges, including those of complex relationships.

 

 

What kinds of things does she allude to? Us being to gether with her kids, sometime living together, and helping her and her kids with everything from her daughters boyfriend to taking them on trips when she is back on her feet. talking to her lawyer and heloing with Parenting plans and custody paperwork...

 

 

What kinds of long term plans?

Long term plans do not have to include romance; in this case, it sounds like she is grateful to finally have someone in her life who is there for her and gives her sincere support. At the same time, it sounds like she associates romance with those experiences of being burned and is (at the moment) resisting a romantic relationship with you to ensure that she doesn't get burned all over again. It follows that she would love to have you around as the nurturing influence on her children that she was lacking when she was growing up.

How is her relationship with her children? What are some examples of a healthy influence that you've had on them?

 

Her relationship is great with her kids, although she is in a bad battle with her exhusband, Her kids really like me around and they are relaxed and express that I am the top guy she has been around in quite a while. Her 14 year old even told her that she is very comforatable around me. Hard to beleive that since we hardly know each other for the most part.

 

 

What was your marriage like? What happened to it and what did you learn that can be applied to this relationship scenario? What coincidence are you talking about?

 

My marriage was good, we just grew apart and decided that we could not spend the next 20 years like we were acting after multiple MC's.. We seperated and are still friends. We spend time together but no romance.

 

The coicindence is related to Native american spiritualism, as in a few very spritual people in the tribe I work for have predicted it will work out and they do not know her name but they ahve seen this in visions...

 

She expressed at one time that she would like to try the waters together in the future once she is settled back down from her lifes challenges. however, she does denies that conversation. Over the last year she was calling every 10 to 14 days when things were really tough for her i would help her through it everytime and now she lives with me.... States we have no connection but she can leave anytime and move back with her family, but she stays with me.

 

 

What/who are you trying to change? Very important lessons I've learned in life: you can't change who people are without breaking them, and life is primarily what you do with what you're given. Ultimately, you can only change yourself.

 

I get what you are saying, I know I can only change myself, although she is trying to change her ways and keep positive instead of being depressed and stressed... She is learning a new way in life and I know this is going to take plenty of time. She has never had a person like me in her life, I am always postive and am helping her get her feet back on the ground solid. She ways says "you see me in the bad I cant wait until you see me in the good".

 

***

 

A final thought: from my experiences in modern industrialized society, money affects everything, including love; how is your financial situation?

 

As far as money goes I am fine, however she is broke right now, not real bad but strapped. I pay for rent and her food, but nothing else. I was paying rent anyhow, so that is not a big deal. She says she will pay me back I beleive her but I do not care about that. We talk alot abouther breaking the circle of being very poor. Especially for her kids.. She has a tendency to want to move back to the little town where she was and hated but she continues to stay with me instead.. I always tell her the door is always open for you to leave I am not going to stop ou... but she stays. She is so scared and she worries about everthing, I just tell that is will always work out. We will work it out.

 

Bottom line is I may never be her lover but I will and am prepared to be her friend. hopefully more... Funny though she always apologizes for things that do not bother me, like text messages and phone calls from her male friends. I never even inquire she just tells me that they mean nothing to her. I do not care about any of that.

 

 

My apologies for not being a good editor in news groups..

Edited February 11, 2013 by 2betex