sunbeach200 Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) Dday was in July and I kicked him out. I let him back into my life three months ago for a proper reconciliation. Before that I was too emotional, too angry and too hurt to even be with him. Throughout this time he has shown absolute remorse and done every thing he could and still can to prove that he is committed to our relationship. There is no contact with the OW ( was a one night stand, no love involved) and he is completely transparent with his wherabouts, phone etc..texts me nonstop.Says sorry nonstop, is ashamed of his actions, hates himself etc. Its clear that he made a very stupid mistake on his part. But the devastation he has caused has been huge. The wedding was called off and friends and family were equally as shocked as I was. But even now as we try to reconcile with the help of councelling, its taking ages to get back on track. We are having happier times but there is absolutely NO sex?? He has no libido. Completely gone on his part. When I have addressed this issue he says its because he needs to feel comfortable again. He feels unstable because of what happened. WTF? I feel rejected even more Can anyone relate to this? How much patience do I need?? p.s He is not doting on the affair and wishing it had never ended. Nor is he getting sex off someone else. Its purely a mental block on his part Edited February 8, 2013 by sunbeach200 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 I know that you want to reconcile, but for him to have had a ONS while engaged to you??? Basically risking throwing away an entire future with you over absolutely nothing? Think about what you are saying....He effed someone else, clearly had no problem doing that, now he is unable to with you??? Being a guy, I can tell you his problem isn't out of a lack of comfort with you, its because he's not as attracted to you as he once was, hence the ONS. Times are "happier" because he has his security back (you). His lack of comfort story would be much more believeable if he had been the one who was cheated on. I'm sorry, but for him to have done this before marriage, he is showing some serious underlying signs of "cold feet" and he is treating you more like a close friend than a life long romantic partner. You can't trust him. You deserve better, don't let him "settle" for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunbeach200 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 l absolutely deserve better than that. You have written my thoughts for the past months. I cannot believe that he really loves me as he certainly wouldnt have cheated on me if he really loved me....but reading other threads cheaters will just cheat...no matter what where when why. Even if they truely love their partner. They are really selfish people! This ONS was with an ex of his. And there was history there too. Apparently he slept with one of her friends when they were having a relationship 3 years ago. There was no drama over that incident. Then a year later he caught her having sex with someone else. it seems like he suffered for years after that. Low esteem etc.So he bumped into her again while engaged to me and he lost control and slept with her to prove that she still wanted him. A stupid stupid reason. It seems he was able to separate his unsolved issue with his ex to his engaement to me. But he does not want anything to do with the ex anymore... So now he is exposed as the person he really is...a hypocrite. Someone who doesnt live the values he wishes to be. Maybe I feel sorry for him...I dont know at this moment. As for our sexlife. It was passionate before this happened. He constantly swears he is sexually attracted to me. e Look i dont want to sound hot headed but I am an attractive girl. I model swimwear. How can he be bored? We are only 1 and a half years together. He clearly has alot of baggage:mad: Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunbeach200 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 And there is no engagement. The rings have been sold so there is no need for him to stick around. I am not financially well off either. He has more money than me:( Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 There is more needed other than physical attraction. There also has to be that "connection" that makes us feel happy to be with the one we love. Once you find yourself in that type of relationship when you are physically and emotionally attracted nothing else really matters. Maybe for him there is a loss of that connection with you? Speaking from experience, I was involved with a woman who was very attractive, very intelligent, had just about every component a guy would want...but there was something that was just lacking, It drove me crazy as to why I wasn't happy with her. I ended up breaking up with her and met someone who was also attractive, but had a personality that was a perfect match for me. I never get bored of her and we always seem to play off eachother so well. It made me realize the difference between loving someone and actually being in love. Your BF may be trying to come to grips with something along these lines and competely going about it the wrong way (doubtful), or he is a cheating type as his past would suggest, and by his very account it seems he finds it fulfilling (a very dangerous characteristic for you). Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 As a man I tell you, it would take a heck of alot not to want to have sex. I mean maybe it might happen once, but for it to be ongoing..big red flags. I want to buy the he's so traumatized he can't get it up scenerio, but the reality as a man, he simply doesn't want you. And as another poster said for him to sleep with someone before his marriage, to throw that away..uh uh big red flags. And his reasons are dumb, dumb, dumb. He'd get more of a pass if he had just been drunk and had a moment of weakness. Probably time for a clean break. Too much drama where they should be happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunbeach200 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 Well this weekend I tried to seduce him by giving him oral. He had a semi erection but as soon as i tried to have full blown sex he lost it... After that we had a heart to heart because I am at the end of my tether. I told him that he is no longer sexually attracted to me and I am wasting my time. Best if we let each other go i told him.He was distraught when he heard that. no it's not what he wants...he swears he is attracted to me but his guilt over his ONS is stopping him. I can understand how he would feel guilty but why he is still feeling like this this six months later i still dont understand. Look this guy did something really stupid but we had a very deep connection before all this crap happened. We were engaged for a reason.This is why I am giving him a chance again. But my patience is wearing thin. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I think your end of the connection you two shared was much deeper than his. Think about it...if he was as connected as you he wouldn't have done something like this. Don't equate stupidity with selfishness. That's giving him a pass. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Hm. Any chance he contracted an STD? Perhaps the thought that he might give it to you is compounding his guilt, and/or perhaps he hasn't taken the necessary steps to determine whether he's clean, out of an inability to face and handle his own mess. Oh, I dunno. Regardless..it sounds like he has a problem with using cheating as a way to deal with his emotional issues. Six months is a long time to hold this over you, even if he doesn't realize that's what he's doing. This is an immature person. Probably not someone you want to be married to. Link to post Share on other sites
USCGAviator Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 He knows he retarded the connection between you both. So now whenever your both going to be intimate he can't shake the thought that your still angry that his dick was in another woman. His nerves and guilt are making him unable to have sex with you. Just a thought Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I think it's interested you said you HAD a deep connection. Like everybody you're fighting for that magic that still isn't there anymore. Like I said it would take a heck of alot not to be attracted to someone but if there is no intimacy and the frustration is growing on your end maybe it's best to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunbeach200 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 I think it's interested you said you HAD a deep connection. Like everybody you're fighting for that magic that still isn't there anymore. Like I said it would take a heck of alot not to be attracted to someone but if there is no intimacy and the frustration is growing on your end maybe it's best to end it. I am not ready to quit as yet. I had a huge blowout with him yesterday. I knew I was going to eventually explode.. Anyway I told him that he isnt attracted to me anymore and its best to end it. I can no longer give him an erection. End of. But no he doesnt want that.Says its just him..please be patient..he is embarassed that he cant perform..his guilt is stopping him..he doesnt want to lose me..blah blah blah. Says he needs to try more and make more effort sexually to kick start his libido. And if that fails he will go to the doctors for help. Watch this space:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunbeach200 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 Hm. Any chance he contracted an STD? Perhaps the thought that he might give it to you is compounding his guilt, and/or perhaps he hasn't taken the necessary steps to determine whether he's clean, out of an inability to face and handle his own mess. Oh, I dunno. Regardless..it sounds like he has a problem with using cheating as a way to deal with his emotional issues. Six months is a long time to hold this over you, even if he doesn't realize that's what he's doing. This is an immature person. Probably not someone you want to be married to. No he is clean. I have no intention of marrying him. Thats why I called the wedding off. But yes I agree that he is mentally immature. This man has serious issues! Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 No he is clean. I have no intention of marrying him. Thats why I called the wedding off. But yes I agree that he is mentally immature. This man has serious issues! You have no intention on marrying him... yet you stay with him... what does that say about you? You are dating someone that's not mentally mature... what does that say about you? He cheated on his last ex... he cheated on you... when is this going to stop? Why do you keep enabling this madness in your life? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) Wow. A guy cheats on his fiancé and after much reflection and I'm sure heartache she deals with it by rewarding the guy with oral because he cant keep it up long enough to shag her anymore. This is priceless stuff!! You go girl. But, isn't he meant to be winning you back. Edited February 15, 2013 by Joaquin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noble Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Sunbeach, I dont want to comment on why your fiance might have cheated on you, but I'm sure he does feel guilty about what he did. How could he not? No one wants to hurt someone they care about.. Anyways, I'd like to share some insight of my own on this. it is possible that him feeling guilty is affecting his ability to get an erection, but I think it is been built up a lot and that now he feels a lot of pressure to perform. If you do some reading on the internet nothing will make a guy lose his erection faster than being scared that he isn't going to be able to perform, or feels pressured to. He knows how disappointed you were by his lack of arousal, so now he really really wants is to get hard. The last thing he wants is to not be able to get hard, but he's over thinking it and thats why he is losing it. A couple months ago my boyfriend lost his boner while we were having sex, just randomly. He said it was a fluke but i felt all insecure about it, so the next time we were able to have sex I asked if he was going to be able to achieve erection and I think it got into his head and then he was worried, and he couldn't. Me bringing it up made him insecure. He even told me so. So I dropped the subject, gave him some affection in some other ways, and in like two days we were back to regular and it hasn't happened again. So i think if you want him to be able to get an erection just lay off him, stop telling him that he thinks you're unattractive. im sure he is very attracted to you. just relax a little and it will come back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 If you have no intention or desire to marry him why are you trying to re-establish this relationship? If marriage is your end goal and you don't want to marry this guy this is a waste of your time..... Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Yeah, I'm just as confused as everyone else. You're not ready to quit just yet, BUT you have no intention of marrying him. So I guess what I don't get is, what's the point? It's just a waste of time. And I also agree that he should be the one winning you back. Not cowering like a child and claiming he's "uncomfortable." Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunbeach200 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Yeah, I'm just as confused as everyone else. You're not ready to quit just yet, BUT you have no intention of marrying him. So I guess what I don't get is, what's the point? It's just a waste of time. And I also agree that he should be the one winning you back. Not cowering like a child and claiming he's "uncomfortable." Wooah slow down everyone. Who says you cant have a relationship without getting married? Because I dont want to marry this man I shouldnt bother? Thats rediculous. My concern at this moment to see whether we have something to build on. Or whether its too damaged from his infedelity. If he has a mental block which an erection he will need to work on that one. Pressurizing him isnt gonna help thats for sure. Like I said, he is going to the doctors for some help. And no I didnt "reward" him with a blowjob. Thats me initiating sex with him. Its what I do and like to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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