A "cheaters" story

[pdserv]

A different perspective from a new poster.

 

I've been reading the posts here getting depressed - I am one of those "cheating" men.

 

I don't like to consider myself cheating but by the legal terms I have.

 

But I thought it might add some perspective to hear this side of the story.

 

Married (and now very recently divorced) for over twenty years. Three GREAT children, all very smart , very sports active, very much on track. Ex spouse and I were real troopers bringing up three very closely spaced kids all on our own. She stayed at home with the kids so we gave up economic benefits for that (good) decision.

 

Over time it just became cleaer that we had some very big differences in what we wanted to do with our lives. This came to a head ove a job I landed in London which I thought was a great opportunity for our kids, she thought different. We all went over for one year, she left with the kids after the first year. We talked of separation but never did anything legal. After about six months of trading very nasty emails and living in my own personal hell, I decided to try to date other women. I met a woman in London and we had a short fling.

 

I returned back to the family house and found a shocker. My spouse has multiple sclerosis. Not that much of a shock since I thought she had signs of this at least ten years earlier but she refused to follow up on diagnosis (I guess she was just scared). The stress of the year apart caused it to flare up. Good news is that she has a very mild case and current treatments seem to have held it in check. She has no disability but weekly interferon shots total up to about $10K/year. Meaning health insurance is a must.

 

When I returned from London I was angry enough to do the divorce but found out that if I did my spouse would lose health benefits - so that was just a no-go. I couldn't do it.

 

But I also was dying personally. We did have sex three nights in a row one time during this period, and I felt very, very empty.

 

I decided to take a job in another region and visit home on weekends. And I started dating women. I listed myself as separated on an online service even though there was no separation agreement. Not too many women were interested in separated men but I did have a six month affair with a newly divorced woman who I think was primarily interested in sexual broadening. I continued to go back to the house on weekends and there were no words spoken about what was going on. Unfortunately, this woman called me one night back there and one of my kids listened in on the conversation. Then the kids went prying into my computer and found some internet dating stuff and showed m ex. I did not deny any of this. Nor did I tell her I would stop. I just told her I needed to do other things.

 

So we went on with this approach for two years. Being unsuccesful at dating many women as separately I made huge mistake and listed myself as divorced. I blatant lie, but I rationalized this by telling women I was not interested in long-term relationships. I had several short duration hookups, all the time still visiting back home. My ex and never had sex, never touched each other, did nothing together, pretty much existed in the same house.

 

Several months ago I met a woman and we really hit it off - I mean really hit it off. A great woman, a great heart. I knew I was in trouble from the start. After two months (and only four dates, two with intimacy) I confessed my situation to her. It was excrutiatingly painful for me to do this - and humiliating. I gave her all the details why I had not divorced, etc. I wrote anguishing emails about how badly I felt I had done this to her. And this was all true - I felt absolutely terrible about myself.

 

This woman and I talked and she said she did not want to see me but that who knows what the future will hold. I kind of lost it emotionally and sent her some emails that were very hopeful about us in the future. They may have come off as really stupid and asinine like I was some kind of idiot. I did not attempt to contact her again.

 

I did get the divorce (dissolution) because it was the right thing to do – regardless of this other woman. But I have to admit, that if I had not met her I’m not sure I would have been “forced” to get the divorce. It was very painful.

 

Having read all the horror stories here I can’t help but get tremendously depressed thinking why would this woman ever want anything to do with me. It seems to me that I have so totally screwed myself here. In my heart I know I was not cheating but the circumstances are damning. So I guess the cheater cheats everyone – including himself.

 

Any thoughts or help on this would be appreciated.

[coollady_1974]

Look, I have been cheated on, but the circumstances were very different. My man was active in our relationship to the point where we went on trips together and family outings and the such. It sems like you too fell apart and no one was willing to make the appropriate steps to make it legal.

 

In the true sense of the word, you and your wife were not in a relationship, you were just married. I do not know her side of it, but from what you're saying, there really wasn't anything there. You both were not active in the relationship and neither of you were trying to make it work, so don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, you should have made it legal and if you had a decent divorce attorney, you could have had a decree for her to stay on your insurance.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this. All relationships don't work out and we as people get caught up in the everyday stuff that we don't handle things that need to be handled. I am glad that woman had enough dignity to know that even though your circumstances were different, that she would not continue with you until you were divorced. That's the type of woman you want in your life, so I would look her up again.

 

I hope this makes you feel better. Good luck!

[fanou22]

Originally posted by pdserv

Having read all the horror stories here I can’t help but get tremendously depressed thinking why would this woman ever want anything to do with me. It seems to me that I have so totally screwed myself here. In my heart I know I was not cheating but the circumstances are damning. So I guess the cheater cheats everyone – including himself.

 

Any thoughts or help on this would be appreciated.

 

I don't follow on your question of why would she have anything to do with you. Since you are divorced now, I don't see why a relationship between the two of you is not possible. You were not specific as to the reasons why she does not want to see you again. Is it because you were not divorced?

 

Does the end of your post mean that you regret divorcing your wife?

 

Beware that you will get some bashing for cheating while your wife is sick. But in my understanding you were unhappy and you got out of your marriage. Seems to me you did it for yourself more than the OW.

 

Can you elaborate more on what I quoted from your post?

[Shiraz]

To me, you sound very human! And I think your really well spoken. Explained verything really well. We all make mistakes, we all have fears, and we all have regrets.

 

I hope you find happiness. I know you'll find a nice woman, because you are open and have the gift of communicating.

 

I have a question for you. I am an OW. My guy and I have been together for 3 years. HE says he loves his wife. I believe that, but don't believe he's in love with her. He works 2 jobs, she stayed home to raise 4 kids. They do fine financially, he has really good jobs. I think he won't leave because he would lose everything. He's worried aobut losing his kids, and financially he'd be ruined.

 

He treats me very well, loves me, and cares for me very much (actions show it). He says he has good sex at home, and good relations with his wife. Would you beleive him? You think it's possible?