Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Been married 10 tears! Very happily so! A few months back my bff and I decided to play a trick on her ex who cheated on her and gave her an std. This was her idea but I went with it! I pretended to to like him and made a fake profile and was flirting and etc. the point was to show his new gf before she got hurt too but it went further.

 

The talk turned very very dirty and though it was fake to me this went on for a month. It only stopped because my husband saw i left my email up and he freaked out and though I explained it was fake etc etc and all he is still upset and acts completely different with me. He moved into the guest room and I have apologized and etc but it just doesnt help.

 

He acts as if I actually cheated and I am angry with myself for doing this as its typical teenage behavior not that of a 32 year old. He really seems hurt but what can I do if he is not willing to forgive me? Should I just leave him or let him get over this in time?

 

I feel like this is not a deal breaker but I cant change what I did and I told him it was nothing. He barely even will talk. He just mopes around

[Darren Steez]

It's not a joke is it. You wrote those messages, thought them out. I can understand maybe one or two messages, but a month!!? And it only stopped because he found the messages. It may have started out as a "joke" and you kept telling yourself it was "fake" in order to justify it but when you cross certain lines then you have a responsibility in your marriage to put a stop to those shenanigans.

 

You didn't tell your husband you were participating in this "joke"

 

Where did you find the time to write these emails..obviously not when your husband was about.

 

Oh and why did it have to be you writing these emails? It's a fake profile, surely your friend could have done it.

[Mack05]

Jenny I hate to say this but how dumb are you? That is without doubt one of the stupidiest idea's I have ever heard of.

 

Try put yourself in his shoes. You open up your computer to find him talking dirty to another girl? And then he comes up with the excuse that it was to help a 'friend'? You would risk your marriage to give a worthless idiot (who has no real involvement in your life) a lesson?

 

To be honest you don't even come across that sorry! "Stubborn Husband" "Should I just leave him". I mean are u kidding me with this! You are so immature to be even thinking along these kind of lines. You don't leave when you are 100% in the wrong! You fight like hell!

 

First thing to do is bring this friend around and have her explain everything. Then get emotional, get passionate! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You created this mess so now fix it.

 

I try to be objective in my advice and see both sides, but I really feel so sorry for your husband..

Edited February 9, 2013 by Mack05

[soccerrprp]

This is your doing OP. Get your friend to explain to your husband what has been going on and this should help...maybe.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny I hate to say this but how dumb are you? That is without doubt one of the stupidiest idea's I have ever heard of.

 

Try put yourself in his shoes. You open up your computer to find him talking dirty to another girl? And then he comes up with the excuse that it was to help a 'friend'? You would risk your marriage to give a worthless idiot (who has no real involvement in your life) a lesson?

 

To be honest you don't even come across that sorry! "Stubborn Husband" "Should I just leave him". I mean are u kidding me with this! You are so immature to be even thinking along these kind of lines. You don't leave when you are 100% in the wrong! You fight like hell!

 

First thing to do is bring this friend around and have her explain everything. Then get emotional, get passionate! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You created this mess so now fix it.

 

I try to be objective in my advice and see both sides, but I really feel so sorry for your husband..

 

I am very sorry! And the thread post is " stubborn husband might leave me".

 

I have tried everything to explain and show him how sorry! I have no idea what he is thinking because he will not talk to me. My friend went and told him too about it being her idea and that I did it to help her. It carried on for a month because he was starting to confess crazy things and I was trying to get as much dirty info as I could.

 

I'm never sure if one day I will come home and his things will be gone or not. We haven't had relations since and I don't think sex will fix anything either. I asked him what can I do to make things better and he just shrugs his shoulders. Is it normal to be mad this long? I feel so bad for hurting himand wish I had mot of involved myself for my bff.

[Mack05]

I swear some women drive me mad! If a guy makes a big mistake he understands very quickly that words like 'sorry' are not enough. Sometimes big mistakes can't be rectified. Sometimes with hard work and perseverance they can.

 

You need to try different things. The one thing every man wants is a partner that knows him, who 'gets' him. Too many times (some) women just look to be pampered and cherished and don't offer anywhere near the same amount back. For example, I have never once had a woman get me a present to show me that she truly knows me. Its always a top, a shirt, a watch etc etc. Presents with little thought. Me on the other hand would understand what my girl needed and went and got it for her. I would write her a poem just for her. To show her how unique she is to me.

 

What is your husband passionate about? Its time for a supremely nice thoughtful gesture (a present, special dinner etc etc). Write him a (sincere and heart felt) hand written letter. Write down the things you love about him, how great your life is with him, write down how sorry you are for being so stupid. How much he means to you. Do things to show him how 'unique' he is to you. What seperates him from all the others.

 

Right now because of all this he probably thinks his wife is average ho. I've broken up with average ho before. No mans wants to think that way about his wife. Because he has seen you being so dirty with someone else, the value of 'you' in his eyes has diminished. He doesn't feel 'unique' to you anymore.

 

That is not going to change with you sitting on your butt, hoping he will just 'snap' out of it. This will only change with hard work. If Plan A doesn't work then use Plan B, if plan B doesn't work then you use Plan C etc etc. As I said above some women just don't get it. They are used to getting treated well and when they cross the line they don't know how to fix it, because they are too selfish. A relationship is 50-50. When a man meets a woman he connects with and that truly comprehends what a 50-50 relationship means he marries her.

 

This is down to you. That 50-50 I refer to above, is sometimes 80-20, 90-10, 40-60, 10-90 etc etc in a long term marriage. Right now it requires you understanding what the problem is, understanding who your husband is and doing everything in your power to fix it...Time to get emotional and passionate..

Edited February 9, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Well then I need more help because I've tried so much I'm running out of ideas. I got him and his buddy tickets to see the ravens ( hes never been to a game and was drooling to go) and he refused them. I made reservations at a brewery he had loved and he refused to go. I cooked his fave meals still am and sometimes he eats sometimes he makes a sandwich instead of eating my cooking. His shoulders were bugging him so I went to rub them and he pushed me away. Ive been trying to do things for him and that he enjoys but he is not accepting or wanting it.

 

I wrote him a heartfelt letter prior to xmas and he read it but then threw it away. Everything he would normally love he doesnt! I think maybe he just is not in love with me anymore because of what I did. He looks at me like I am nothing. I adore him but am running out of ideas/hope. I have tried killing him with kindness too but he still ignores me

[Darren Steez]

Give him time. It was a silly thing to do, you say you're killing him with kindness, just seems like you're trying to buy him off and that you don't usually do nice things for him anyway. If it were me it would seem rather fake, an avalanche of gifts, tickets, favorite food everyday, nah I would pass too.

 

Tone it down, be understanding and understand his pain, don't try to force things, there is no short term fix for this. Unfortunately doubt has been cast, if you could do this, what else are you up to, even though you haven't done anything, these are the questions floating around in his head.

[Gunny376]

Somethings you just don't joke about!

 

It would be Hell and Damnation before I would take you back! :mad: :mad:

 

Mrs Gunny knows me on this! I would expect no less of her ~ I expect NO less of her! Enough said!

 

Semper Fidelis!

 

Latin for:

 

ALWAYS FAITHFUL!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Normally I am really nice and do things for him but I've gone broke trying to show him so it probably comes across fake like you said. He has said maybe the only thing hes said is that he lost trust and respect for me.

 

I have read trust takes a while, if ever, to rebuild. I suppose I thought by now he would of forgiven me.

 

Is it normal for men to not have relations with their wives when they are hurt or betrayed? I read online sometimes some men can put it aside cause they want sex so bad. Where others can't seperate the hurt from the desire.

 

I suppose I'm just concerned because my friends are saying it is a sign he is out of love and I need to move on.

[Darren Steez]

Normally I am really nice and do things for him but I've gone broke trying to show him so it probably comes across fake like you said. He has said maybe the only thing hes said is that he lost trust and respect for me.

 

I have read trust takes a while, if ever, to rebuild. I suppose I thought by now he would of forgiven me.

 

Is it normal for men to not have relations with their wives when they are hurt or betrayed? I read online sometimes some men can put it aside cause they want sex so bad. Where others can't seperate the hurt from the desire.

 

I suppose I'm just concerned because my friends are saying it is a sign he is out of love and I need to move on.

 

What kind of dumb friends have you got? They're telling you to move on after your husband finds out you've been writing to another man? Aren't these the friends that got you into trouble in the first place? Strange.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Yeah! They think he is no longer in love with me because he wont talk to me much, no sex, no acknowledgement of Xmas, and he seems to show no interest in me. That paired with it being 4 mths going on. They all think I'd serve him better if I left.

 

But I just love him so much. I don't blame him for being upset. My main doubting is that I too wonder how long can he stay mad and what can I do to help him and save our marriage

[Darren Steez]

Yeah! They think he is no longer in love with me because he wont talk to me much, no sex, no acknowledgement of Xmas, and he seems to show no interest in me. That paired with it being 4 mths going on. They all think I'd serve him better if I left.

 

But I just love him so much. I don't blame him for being upset. My main doubting is that I too wonder how long can he stay mad and what can I do to help him and save our marriage

 

You need to sit him down and have a very frank talk. It seems he wants to punish you by ignoring you, making you hurt the way he's hurt but it may drive you away in the long run if he continues not to acknowledge the problem.

 

Ask him if he wants the marriage and if he wants to work on it, otherwise you're two strangers living under the same roof not interacting.

[Keenly]

Normally I am really nice and do things for him but I've gone broke trying to show him so it probably comes across fake like you said. He has said maybe the only thing hes said is that he lost trust and respect for me.

 

I have read trust takes a while, if ever, to rebuild. I suppose I thought by now he would of forgiven me.

 

Is it normal for men to not have relations with their wives when they are hurt or betrayed? I read online sometimes some men can put it aside cause they want sex so bad. Where others can't seperate the hurt from the desire.

 

I suppose I'm just concerned because my friends are saying it is a sign he is out of love and I need to move on.

 

You are blowing my mind right now woman.... you are downplaying your actions, shifting, .blame to him, and then you have the audacity to say " I thought he would be over it by now "

 

 

I have no help for you. Sorry. You made your bed.

[M30USA]

You are blowing my mind right now woman.... you are downplaying your actions, shifting, .blame to him, and then you have the audacity to say " I thought he would be over it by now "

 

 

I have no help for you. Sorry. You made your bed.

 

Agreed. My ex wife physically assaulted me with a 5 foot board, got arrested, and then wondered why I didn't want to reconcile. Instead of apologizing she said, "It takes 2 willing people for a marriage to work."

 

You can't have a relationship with somebody who sees no fault in their own actions.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I admit and accept what I did! I just thought after 4 months he'd at a bare minium be ready to talk or even yell. I am not blame shifting, I never said this was his fault! I did this and I will take that responsibility. I have apologized and done everything I could to make it up to him if possible.

 

It confuses me as to why he won't even so much as tell me to go or f*** off! It is like limbo land!

 

If he wants a divorce I will be crushed but at least tell me that. I did F*** up but does that mean its ok to make me guess for months and months as to what is going to happen in our marriage?

 

I don't think what he is doing is right either.

[Darren Steez]

honestly it's like some people don't even read what the OP says..

[M30USA]

I admit and accept what I did! I just thought after 4 months he'd at a bare minium be ready to talk or even yell. I am not blame shifting, I never said this was his fault! I did this and I will take that responsibility. I have apologized and done everything I could to make it up to him if possible.

 

It confuses me as to why he won't even so much as tell me to go or f*** off! It is like limbo land!

 

If he wants a divorce I will be crushed but at least tell me that. I did F*** up but does that mean its ok to make me guess for months and months as to what is going to happen in our marriage?

 

I don't think what he is doing is right either.

 

I don't know if your husband is anything like me, but I don't enjoy dramatic fights or telling someone to F off. I'd rather have a mature relationship where problems can be resolved with respect. But I've met enough people with your mindset to know it'a common. I just couldn't handle it.

[Darren Steez]

I don't know if your husband is anything like me, but I don't enjoy dramatic fights or telling someone to F off. I'd rather have a mature relationship where problems can be resolved with respect. But I've met enough people with your mindset to know it'a common. I just couldn't handle it.

 

She's tried to talk to him he refuses, if at a point you're ignoring someone for four months then you're ignoring the problem and that in itself starts to become toxic

[Yasuandio]

Give him time. It was a silly thing to do, you say you're killing him with kindness, just seems like you're trying to buy him off and that you don't usually do nice things for him anyway. If it were me it would seem rather fake, an avalanche of gifts, tickets, favorite food everyday, nah I would pass too.

 

Tone it down, be understanding and understand his pain, don't try to force things, there is no short term fix for this. Unfortunately doubt has been cast, if you could do this, what else are you up to, even though you haven't done anything, these are the questions floating around in his head.

 

Darren Steez is giving you the best advice. Just stop kissing up now. And certainly stay away from these dumb "friends" of yours. Tell them you must work on your marriage now.

 

You said everything that needs to be said. Your partner in crime has also come to your husband and backed you up. It is done. You made a mistake, offered proof that there was nothing illicit about it - that it was just a dumb joke, now, shut up.

 

Choice 1:

 

Go on with life. The only other thing you might say is that you are stoping the relationship with this friend in order to work on your marriage. That's all. Nothing else. Say nothing. Do nothing. Keep your dignity now. The ball is in his court. If he speaks, keep your mouth shut, and listen.

 

Choice 2:

 

If the fire is too hot in the kitchen, tell him you must go away for awhile, due to your embarassment and the hostility in the home (or whatever the climate is) - and go stay with family for a couple weeks, leave a number. Don't look over your shoulder for him to stop you either.

 

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If your marriage is strong, then it will survive. If he has a brain, he must know it was a prank. However, you have showed your contriction, and you are not a child to be punished.

[imtooconfused]

Darren Steez is giving you the best advice. Just stop kissing up now. And certainly stay away from these dumb "friends" of yours. Tell them you must work on your marriage now.

 

You said everything that needs to be said. Your partner in crime has also come to your husband and backed you up. It is done. You made a mistake, offered proof that there was nothing illicit about it - that it was just a dumb joke, now, shut up.

 

Choice 1:

 

Go on with life. The only other thing you might say is that you are stoping the relationship with this friend in order to work on your marriage. That's all. Nothing else. Say nothing. Do nothing. Keep your dignity now. The ball is in his court. If he speaks, keep your mouth shut, and listen.

 

Choice 2:

 

If the fire is too hot in the kitchen, tell him you must go away for awhile, due to your embarassment and the hostility in the home (or whatever the climate is) - and go stay with family for a couple weeks, leave a number. Don't look over your shoulder for him to stop you either.

 

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If your marriage is strong, then it will survive. If he has a brain, he must know it was a prank. However, you have showed your contriction, and you are not a child to be punished.

 

Jennyfromtheblick... I am one who is on your side. Yes what you did was really stupid and harmful to your husband and your marriage. Your husband should not tolerate this. But beyond admitting that fact, you don't have any duty to show contrition to this forum. You owe that to your husband and no one else. But from your description of the situation, it sounds like you have done your level-headed best to show him you still love him and are sincerely sorry for what you did. AND THAT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH for him and hasn't been enough FOR FOUR WHOLE MONTHS.

 

What Darren Steez and Yasuandio say above is probably true. The "killing him with kindness" and apologizing profusely is not working now and won't work until he is ready to accept it. What's it going to take for him to change his position? Who really knows, but a change in direction for you is clearly called for. He is killing you with silence, which is obviously his goal. So let him know that he has won that battle, but he has to be made aware that there are consequences to continuing to hurt you that way. Choice 1 and Choice 2 above are very good options for breaking the stalemate, IMHO. When he is ready to accept your kindness again, then you can go full out.

[M30USA]

Try viewing things from his perspective. It's well known that men shut down and become silent when they either feel unsafe or hurt around a person. So to say that he needs to understand there are "consequences" to reacting in this way is to further exacerbate the problem.

[Njeanne]

A joke is where you act for a day, or a couple. You let this on for a month, I understand your husband position, I wouldn't trust you either at that point.

 

Best thing you can do is you and your bff explain it too him and stop this nonsense, yes you aren't a teenager anymore.

 

Some people would say "you dig a hole for yourselves to crawl into" Grow up.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

For the 3rd time I have apologized!!!!! And my friend even explained it to him.

[Yasuandio]

For the 3rd time I have apologized!!!!! And my friend even explained it to him.

 

Take the good advice you have been given. Choice one and two. And any others you or fellow posters come up with.

 

And stop being defensive. It is done and done.

 

Multiple apologies weaken the validity of the original apology. You don't need to repeat yourself on the forum. We get you. You will be ok, honey. Nobody is perfect. We have all made dumb mistakes in our marriages. Move forward. Break the stalemate. Don't talk about it anymore. Just LISTEN TO HIS WORDS and observe his actions if he happens to bring it up.