Stubborn husband might leave me

[Mack05]

Jenny I really feel for you. But in my experience...

 

No Trust + No Love = Game Over.

 

I don't see how you can come back from this. To say to someone you no longer love/trust them you need to be VERY sure, because when you cross that line its so hard to go back, sometimes impossible.

 

You know what you did was beyond dumb, but there has to be more here. I mean if it were me I'd be sooooo pissed at you, BUT to throw away 10 years of marriage!?? A good marriage at that. Sorry no way. Not over that, especially once I have heard an explanation from you and your friend.

 

I think he is making a huge mistake here. I mean say hypothetically you guys divorce and he meets someone else. Now honeymoon periods can last anything from 6 months to 3 years. But at some stage the bond will get severely tested. Life dictates this. What will he do then, when the going gets tough? Leave again? He doesn't seem to be a particularly emotionally mature guy. Certainly not a forgiving guy anyway.

 

I wonder (before all this happened) was he unhappy in the marriage? This to me is not a 3 strikes your out offence. Marriage is tough. Sometimes you have bad weeks, bad months and even bad years. Sometimes you have to fight for the marriage, even when you don't feel like fighting. You really on blind instinct to get you through. Sadly you can only fight for something when two people are fighting for the same thing.

 

I know I have said some people have lower thresholds, but to me he has quit way to easily. Be pissed, explain trust needs to be learnt, have counselling but leave the marriage? I tell you Jenny something doesn't add up here.

Edited February 25, 2013 by Mack05

[Mack05]

So what happens between now and May? I really don't think it's a good idea to live together till then. I know you want to stay and try change his mind, but he seems pretty sure what course of action he wants to take. Either way you have to keep your cool going forward. I know how hard this is when you are emotional and you feel the person you love slipping away but it is so important going forward Jenny.

 

Maybe you could convince him to a trial separation? I don't understand why he needs to divorce so quickly. Something just doesn't add up here.

[Yasuandio]

You know something, this is stupid. You nneed to just agree, with the three sentence method. It has come to the last straw. I recommend you study the free materials (readings and 5 tape recorded interviews) on-line by Homer McDonald. Just google the underlined words. I also advise you to stude the Divorce Busters cite - and get a copy of Michell Weiner-Davis' books entitled Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy. Here are two suggestions on how to approach this.

 

Less drama:

 

Us Homer's 3 Sentence Method Which is: Honey, I perfer we stay married, but you are correct, it is 100% impossible for this marriage to work. I will help you find another place (or visa versa), help you pack and move out right now. IOW, happily agree. Do all the other things Homer suggests, dating (not sleeping around), going out, doing things to develop you happiness on your own. Apply some Divorce Busters strategies such as the 180's, NC, "act as if," etc. Also, some of Davis' Last Resort Techniques if necessary: "go dark," "return the wedding ring," "drop the rope (give up)," etc. The bottom line is that you have to "do something different NOW. Because what you are doing is not working.

 

For the most dramatic Effect:

 

Do all the above and more. If you do not plan on keeping the house - I would pack your stuff and disappear right now. But read Homer first - so you know what to say before you leave (perhaps you can say it in a note). After what he said to you and his friends, I think you should move right to Davis' Last Resort Techniques: File for Divorce, Leave your Wedding Ring Behind, and take him very seriously. Get an attorney, normally I recommend file first immediatly, it will give you a slight upper hand strategy-wise, but, under the your curcumstances, this arrangement may not apply - discuss it with your attorney, it may be better to wait for him to file in this particular case. Put 180's and NC in place. Go to the bank and split the dough after you see attorney. Have him served at work.

 

Just becasue you file for divorce does not mean you have to get a divorce.

 

The divorce Busters website has a lot of free info. But the books are great - and very heap on Amazon. Sorry I felt a need to make these recommendations. But I would not ignore his statements - and I would certainly not live with him until May with this situation. It is too stressful.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Is this to change things up so he will reconsider? Or is this so I can move on?

[Yasuandio]

Is this to change things up so he will reconsider? Or is this so I can move on?

 

Once someone says the divorce word to you, you must take them at their word. To answer your question honestly - to move on. Yet these techniques have been known to draw a mate back. But you must lose ALL expectations, for real. It is these expectations that get you in trouble. You must get it in you head that you do not NEED John. You must act accordingly. You may lose John before you ever get him back, that is, if you ever do get him back. You must never NEED a person to make you happy. This is the life lesson you will learn from the material and this experience. You must learn and be perceived that you can easily and happily live without him, and that best be a reality for you in life.

 

These techniques are designed to make a better Jenny. A more desirable Jenny. At this time - you are not desirable, at least to John. This you must face. You must become happy again even though you are not desirable to John. John is not a NEED for you. You only WANT him. You only DESIRE him. You want you way. He wants his way. Give him his way. Agree with him. This is a counter-intuitive approach. Let him go because you love him - and you want him to have it his way because you love him.

 

If the bird flies back, then the bird flies back. But what you are doing now is NOT WORKING. Read over these resources I suggested before you do anything. And see what other posters say about my suggestions. I feel like the risk is there whether you stay and beg, or to the techniques (which include dating). Once he sees that other men value you, he will come to his senses. Many people will disagree with this method. But the man has said he wants to end the marriage - and once separated - with intent on ending a marriage, one is free to date (I don't mean sleep around, I mean enjoy the company of other men, because this will boost your confidence, and make you happy).

 

You will find more details in the material I suggested, especially Homer McDonald. Homer always points out that the "dating" part is the part that everyone is afraid of! I certainly was. Go over and read Worldgonewrong's recent thread. That will show you what happens.

 

Do not do this because I' telling you to. Read the materials and come to your own conclusions. It has taken me over a year to deeply understand Homer McDonald's material - to apply it properly. And it is not so easy to get to the state of mind he is proposing. But I have concluded, after much suffering and confusion, that this is the "confident" state I would like to reach. You have to make your own decisions. And also consider what the other wise people on LS suggest to you.

[Mack05]

Jenny the book 'Getting past your breakup' was written by a woman who was curled up in a heap on her kitchen floor after her husband of 12 years left her. Please buy this book.

 

In the meantime you need to come up with a plan of action. The way things are will not work until May.

[trippi1432]

Jenny - just going to correct one thing on what Yas has suggested on Homer, considering the situation that got you and your husband to where you are now, I would not suggest the dating. That is a two-edged sword that can backfire. There are other ways to feel desirable and feed our egos. Needing to feed vanity to feel desirable is typically short-lived and could only confirm to your husband, the sour grapes he seems to be eating right now.

 

Not correcting you Yas, just some of the ideals that come out of Homer's materials and the times and situations they need to be applied. Sometimes people can apply them in the wrong situation and mess their situation up even more.

[Yasuandio]

Jenny - just going to correct one thing on what Yas has suggested on Homer, considering the situation that got you and your husband to where you are now, I would not suggest the dating. That is a two-edged sword that can backfire. There are other ways to feel desirable and feed our egos. Needing to feed vanity to feel desirable is typically short-lived and could only confirm to your husband, the sour grapes he seems to be eating right now.

 

Not correcting you Yas, just some of the ideals that come out of Homer's materials and the times and situations they need to be applied. Sometimes people can apply them in the wrong situation and mess their situation up even more.

 

Good call, Trippi.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I am not accepting this well! I decided to best serve myself I needed to leave the home for a few days/week.

 

I have actually gone to a dark place in my thoughts of despair. Very scary for me. My friend is away till Sunday and she offered me her place to stay so I came here today. I left no note! I don't know the next step from here but all I can do is one thing at a time and that is take care of me.

 

When John's friends left they really said so much. They asked why in the world he would honor a lease but not his vows? He just kept saying he is hurt and he can't find trusting me an option. He feels it's unfair for me to wait on him and etc. they both asked are you having an affair he said no. He said he just can't find forgiveness like a marriage would need.

 

The one buddy told me to assume the marriage is dead but fight on for it so at least I know I tried everything. Some of the stuff suggested I have looked into but I need to ask? Has anyone on here saved a marriage? I'm conflicted between trying this love dare and doing the agreeing to the divorce.

 

I wonder if he will care I am gone? I am guessing NOT. I don't believe he doesn't love me! I DO believe he will divorce me though.

[Yasuandio]

I am not accepting this well! I decided to best serve myself I needed to leave the home for a few days/week.

 

I have actually gone to a dark place in my thoughts of despair. Very scary for me. My friend is away till Sunday and she offered me her place to stay so I came here today. I left no note! I don't know the next step from here but all I can do is one thing at a time and that is take care of me.

 

When John's friends left they really said so much. They asked why in the world he would honor a lease but not his vows? He just kept saying he is hurt and he can't find trusting me an option. He feels it's unfair for me to wait on him and etc. they both asked are you having an affair he said no. He said he just can't find forgiveness like a marriage would need.

 

The one buddy told me to assume the marriage is dead but fight on for it so at least I know I tried everything. Some of the stuff suggested I have looked into but I need to ask? Has anyone on here saved a marriage? I'm conflicted between trying this love dare and doing the agreeing to the divorce.

 

I wonder if he will care I am gone? I am guessing NOT. I don't believe he doesn't love me! I DO believe he will divorce me though.

 

Wow. His friend really hit the nail on the head when he compared the lease to his vows! Really, Jenny - take some time. You do not have to decide anything until you want to. Stay away awhile and take care of yourself. Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Oh yas thank you! I actually feel alone I thought of taking pills etc etc and horrible things but I'm smarter than that.

 

His friends did dig deep. They were so considerate and real. The urged him to get help with his hurt, citing it is not weak! The cited his double talking too. The tried to encourage him he can get past the hurt and not to quit. They both think he is trying to convince himself he doesn't care. They had to ask him 5 times if he loved me before he would a answer. Then his answer was " i don't think there is any love left" though when they asked if he loved me before this he instantly answered yes!

[Yasuandio]

Oh yas thank you! I actually feel alone I thought of taking pills etc etc and horrible things but I'm smarter than that.

 

His friends did dig deep. They were so considerate and real. The urged him to get help with his hurt, citing it is not weak! The cited his double talking too. The tried to encourage him he can get past the hurt and not to quit. They both think he is trying to convince himself he doesn't care. They had to ask him 5 times if he loved me before he would a answer. Then his answer was " i don't think there is any love left" though when they asked if he loved me before this he instantly answered yes!

 

Honey, sweetheat, don't you dare think of taking pills. No man is worth that. After the friends got done with him, and HIS conduct "this time," he is now on the hot seat. To think he has pushed you to even consider such a thing. Darling, do not, I mean do not do anything like you said in the first sentence of the post. Promise us? OK? Please, if you are feeling low, call one of these nice friends, or a hotline, or go to the hospital. Of course, anyone would understand your depresion and fear of loss.

 

You must have no contact for now. That's it. Yas has spoken. NC means NC. Let him stew. No talking, email, text, nothing. Do not respond if you hear from him. Watch a movie to get your mind off it. NC. NC. NC. Taste of his own medicine. He is not sure about his love for you? or has to take his damn sweet time to confirm? NC for him. Now, stand on your own two feet, buck up, and enjoy your freedom girl. You are on strike. And it might be for good too. You never know. That was pretty darn hateful of him to express that kind of sentiment in front of friends. Very embarrassing. He is really SHAMING you - more than what was coming to you.

 

You are going to be ok. Sorry - but I a bit am mad. Yas

[Mack05]

I am not accepting this well! I decided to best serve myself I needed to leave the home for a few days/week.

 

I have actually gone to a dark place in my thoughts of despair. Very scary for me. My friend is away till Sunday and she offered me her place to stay so I came here today. I left no note! I don't know the next step from here but all I can do is one thing at a time and that is take care of me.

 

When John's friends left they really said so much. They asked why in the world he would honor a lease but not his vows? He just kept saying he is hurt and he can't find trusting me an option. He feels it's unfair for me to wait on him and etc. they both asked are you having an affair he said no. He said he just can't find forgiveness like a marriage would need.

 

The one buddy told me to assume the marriage is dead but fight on for it so at least I know I tried everything. Some of the stuff suggested I have looked into but I need to ask? Has anyone on here saved a marriage? I'm conflicted between trying this love dare and doing the agreeing to the divorce.

 

I wonder if he will care I am gone? I am guessing NOT. I don't believe he doesn't love me! I DO believe he will divorce me though.

 

Jenny you are panicking. Its totally understandable but now is not the time for rash decisions. I agree with getting out of the house, but I would have spoken to your husband before you left.

 

I think you need to leave his friends out in future discussions. The only people that can resolve this is you and John. If there is going to be a middle person let that be a trained marriage counsellor.

 

This is really sad. There doesn't seem anyway to get through to him. What you must not do is get nasty. There is no quicker way drive him away. This will only validate in his head that he is right to leave you. I know is frustrating. That powerless feeling (seeing someone slip away) is the worst feeling in the world, but you cannot react on impulse.

 

There is no right or wrong way to handle this. I've been in breakups where I have felt incredible frustration/hurt at the cold, cruel and callous nature of an ex. Now I accept my role in the breakups, but for me the cruel punishment far outweighed the crime. That is probably how you are feeling now.

 

I can tell you how I would handle this. Please feel free to ignore cause as I said there is no right or wrong way.

 

1) I would move out now. Staying till May will be like having gunpowder close a match. As soon as there is a spark this thing will explode and the damage caused could be irreparable. Sometimes in life we need to made hard decisions that go against everything we feel in our hearts. This is one of those times..

 

2) Now this is controversial. I would go NC for 1, maybe 2 month(s). Again an incredibly hard thing to do but it gives you both time apart. Time to look at things from the outside without the pressures that have been there recently. He wouldn't go 2 months without contacting you. Eventually he will probably want to talk to you about the divorce.

 

3) Again very controversial and could blow up in your face. But after time apart, you tell him that the only way you will agree to divorce is to go through couples counselling. If he says what's the point, you explain you took vows 10 years ago and you will do everything you can to fight to save the marriage. You say you owe it to yourself and to him. Explain that sometimes we don't always know whats best for us. If after marriage counselling he still wants a divorce, you will grant it to him and make it as easy as possible..

 

Now you need to find a skilled counsellor (research, research, research). Even if he goes in with a bad, not interested attitude, these people have incredible skills. Maybe just maybe he might soften a little. I really can't believe how black and white he is being. How unforgiving he is being. If there is something else the counsellor will bring it out.

 

My parents have been on the brink before but they came back and are now stronger than ever. It can be done. Sometimes in a marriage it takes one person to be incredibly strong. Now is not the time to be thinking about pills. Now is the time to get ready for the biggest fight of your life. You need to be strong, you need to be control. You HAVE to control your impulses..

 

I was wrong Jenny about advising you to get the book above. If you are fighting for something you try everything in your power to save it. Being negative doesn't work and I agree that you fight and fight until those papers are signed. You have to keep believing until there is no hope left.

 

I am just throwing idea's out there. Hopefully others will as well. Then u can pick what you feel is best..

Edited February 25, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I am trying to be strong! I have NEVER In my life felt so weak or helpless. I have gone off the grid. I have my phone off and NOBODY except my friend who isout of the country knows where I am. I just want to be left alone. I really don't think husband will contact me.

 

 

I don't think he gives cares and that kills me. We were so close how could I screw it up?

 

As far as his friends Mack he called them to come over. I didnt involve them. But they actually helped. It was 2 men ( police officers, really upstanding guys, married) who told him how it was and called him out. They left at midnight and they really ganged up on him. I figure after that i wanted their words to stew in him so that is why I left too. I wanted him to have their words the last in his head coupled me no word or sight of me to hopefully snap him out of it. But I really am not sure it will.

 

He is stubborn and I think his mind is set.

[tojaz]

It's been a hard day for you Jenny. Right now your probably flooded with advice and suggestions from every which direction.... I'm not going to pile onto that, I don't think right now is the time for any sort of immediate action.

 

Your off the grid, use the time to process what has happened and to regain your bearings. Use your thread as a sounding board if you like. Take a step back, because I, like Mack still believe that all of this is bigger then just your emails. What else has been happening? What else has changed in your lives, or maybe just his????

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I'm not sure its bigger than just the emails, but He has been cheated on in past relationships and his ex before me did so online so I think his tolerance was 0 and I knew that but just didnt use my head.

 

 

I dont know what to do! The thought of losing him and being a divorcee kills me. Thinking of never waking up to him again kills me. Not having children with him kills me! Tonight I'm alone mixed up and cuddling up to a shirt of his that smells like him. I am a patheic loser

[Keenly]

I'm not sure its bigger than just the emails, but He has been cheated on in past relationships and his ex before me did so online so I think his tolerance was 0 and I knew that but just didnt use my head.

 

 

I dont know what to do! The thought of losing him and being a divorcee kills me. Thinking of never waking up to him again kills me. Not having children with him kills me! Tonight I'm alone mixed up and cuddling up to a shirt of his that smells like him. I am a patheic loser

 

You are not a pathetic loser... you just did something bad and now you are facing the consequences of your own actions. I bet you will never so that again, will you.

[imtooconfused]

Jenny, YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! Your husband is causing you to feel this way because of some selfish motivation that no one can explain or understand. This has gone much further than some mistaken emails. If he continues to be selfish and push for divorce, it's his fault, not yours.

 

Remember what your Mom said? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I know it's VERY hard to understand at this time, but the opposite is just as true. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. If he can be that self-centered then he is not right for you any more. He may have been the most loving and caring spouse at one time, but that's not who he is anymore. He is showing you his true self now, the person he has become. And if you met him on the street for the first time today, you wouldn't give a $*** about him now. You are so much better than him.

 

I am sorry your friend is out of town/country right now. Try to rely on her as much as you can. Going off the grid with respect to your husband is OK, but going completely silent is not good at this time. Stay in touch with other friends and family.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I can't do this. Just can't I am not that strong and will never feel love again for another. I just want him

[tojaz]

I can't do this. Just can't I am not that strong and will never feel love again for another. I just want him

 

Jenny, you most definitely can do this! I can say that because I survived this, and just from reading your posts, you are stronger then I ever was in your position.

 

I know first hand that it hurts like hell and that there's a million thoughts running through your mind, but don't give up.... NEVER GIVE UP!

 

In the end Jenny I can't tell you how this story will end, but I can tell you that you CAN do this and you will make it through!

 

Give yourself a break, get some rest, QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Tojaz when you say don't give up do you mean dont give up on the marriage?

[tojaz]

Tojaz when you say don't give up do you mean dont give up on the marriage?

 

In part, yes, but I'm stubborn like that!

 

If he truly gives up, then you can still hold your head up high and know that you fought and gave it all you could. If you give up..... well, read my sig below.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

How do you suggest I keep fighting? Right now I am trying my hardest to go nc for at least a few days. Just so he has time to stew on what his friends said. Eventually I have to go back home.

 

I miss him already and its only been one night. I feel like he clearly doesn't miss me though.

 

I need advice on this because going home its like I will have a few months and thats it for one last fight to try to save this. I dont see how i can put my emotions in check or that he even cares about saving it when hes said he is done.

 

He is so stubborn. One thing i dont get is if you dont love someone how can you be so hurt by them? Meaning he doesnt love me so why so hurt then? Why too has he made no plans or has not saved money to move? I dont think he is playing games with me but these just seem like logical questions. Everyone probably assumes he is cheating but He isnt! unless its online. Cause he is home all day. This is just such a mess!!

[Mack05]

It's been a hard day for you Jenny. Right now your probably flooded with advice and suggestions from every which direction.... I'm not going to pile onto that, I don't think right now is the time for any sort of immediate action.

 

Your off the grid, use the time to process what has happened and to regain your bearings. Use your thread as a sounding board if you like. Take a step back, because I, like Mack still believe that all of this is bigger then just your emails. What else has been happening? What else has changed in your lives, or maybe just his????

 

TOJAZ

 

I really like Tojaz's advice here. You need time just to deal with all this and not react on impulse. I know how desperate you are feeling, but you have to stay strong. If you feel weak come here. We are all here for you. Also learn how to meditate (articles and video's online). I can't recommend this enough. If they don't work get out of the house and go for a long walk. Have a bath with a glass of wine. Just work through these moment of weakness.

 

I REALLY want this marriage to work.

 

I think John is a good guy, however he is also an emotionally immature guy. He needs to make certain changes to his personality, if he is to be happy in any long term marriage. I again agree with Tojaz and I think you got fight for this marriage with everything you have got.

 

Now is the time to think about how I can save this marriage. What is the best way going forward. That is why I recommended space. So that you can think things really through and come up with the right plan of action.

 

Jenny I said this already sometimes people don't know what is best for them. I believe John doesn't know what's best for him right now. If he throws away 10 years of marriage over this, then he will end up divorced two or three times. There is a LOT worse then sending dirty emails to try catch a guy out. His zero tolerance stance just won't work in a marriage. You have to have leeway. You have to be able to compromise, even though sometimes you don't want to.

 

I don't like the disappearing act you are doing. You don't know how he is going to react to that. He might think it's mind games. I would sent a simple text. "Think it's a good idea if we have a little space right now".

[Mack05]

How do you suggest I keep fighting? Right now I am trying my hardest to go nc for at least a few days. Just so he has time to stew on what his friends said. Eventually I have to go back home.

 

I miss him already and its only been one night. I feel like he clearly doesn't miss me though.

 

I need advice on this because going home its like I will have a few months and thats it for one last fight to try to save this. I dont see how i can put my emotions in check or that he even cares about saving it when hes said he is done.

 

He is so stubborn. One thing i dont get is if you dont love someone how can you be so hurt by them? Meaning he doesnt love me so why so hurt then? Why too has he made no plans or has not saved money to move? I dont think he is playing games with me but these just seem like logical questions. Everyone probably assumes he is cheating but He isnt! unless its online. Cause he is home all day. This is just such a mess!!

 

Jenny I have given some idea's to you about how to keep fighting BUT right now the best thing to do is nothing. This is about taking one step at a time. Step 1 should be getting your emotions under control and trying to stay positive.

 

If you are negative you may as well throw in the towel. You have this strength within you. Now is the time to summon it. You can do this..