Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Im not sure what else it could be. I really don't think its an affair. I would think it would of shown itself by now. Those things usually always come out. Maybe he just fell out love and is using this to escape? I really dont know orher than he has a very troubled past with his family too. He was neglected as a child and bounced from place to place. I know he doesnt not handle critcism well at all.

 

He has had issues with that at a lot of his jobs. Some anger issues too but never with me. He got fired from 3 jobs in a row. One because he got in a fight with a guy, the second because he was arguing with boss who John thought was stealing, and the 3rd because of downsizing. He does have issues getting along and being friends with people at work because then he got into teaching and he has had words with people but nothing serious.

 

I know I didnt like him at first because he seemed cocky and I think he does come off that way to some but i always took it for confidence. Like i said he doesnt have many friends either hes kinda a loner except for he liked to be with me all the time. And hang out with my friends who loved him.

[Yasuandio]

Im not sure what else it could be. I really don't think its an affair. I would think it would of shown itself by now. Those things usually always come out. Maybe he just fell out love and is using this to escape? I really dont know orher than he has a very troubled past with his family too. He was neglected as a child and bounced from place to place. I know he doesnt not handle critcism well at all.

 

He has had issues with that at a lot of his jobs. Some anger issues too but never with me. He got fired from 3 jobs in a row. One because he got in a fight with a guy, the second because he was arguing with boss who John thought was stealing, and the 3rd because of downsizing. He does have issues getting along and being friends with people at work because then he got into teaching and he has had words with people but nothing serious.

 

I know I didnt like him at first because he seemed cocky and I think he does come off that way to some but i always took it for confidence. Like i said he doesnt have many friends either hes kinda a loner except for he liked to be with me all the time. And hang out with my friends who loved him.

 

 

This post says a lot.

 

What worries me the most is the positive spin you put on John's "cocky," unacceptable, or inappropriate behavior. As well, your repeated citations of John's background and childhood make it seem that your justifing or rationalizing John's negative actions and concequences thereof.

 

Mainly, he needs to get over it, and grow up. Life ain't fair. No one has a perfect childhood and upbringing. No one has perfect relationships during their lifetime. No one gets on with their family perfectly. Everyone has issues larger than his. Just visit a cancer ward, and talk to the people that are about to take a dirt nap. [i read that somewhere on LS I think]. Like, grow up.

 

I still think something is up. It may not be an affair - I did not say that. He may have lost money in a large wager, or he may have bought a fishing boat without telling you. I just think John dost potest too much. That's all.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I agree! He has not dealt with his issues he has run from them. Problem with that is eventually they catch you.

 

What does your john dost protest to much mean?

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I think he feels guilty about how hes acted too! Especially since hes been called out but people. He knows he has been crappy but he wont admit that! He wasnt there for me during a time i needed him cause he was mad and i know he feels guilty about that but like i said he admits no wrong doing. Which is something i have noticed with him with others. He cant accept blame he transfers it.

We all have things i probably sound like a bad wife for saying these things but ive noticed that a lot with him.

 

Whatever it is with him its got nothing to do with money cause i pretty much manage all funds

[Yasuandio]

I agree! He has not dealt with his issues he has run from them. Problem with that is eventually they catch you.

 

What does your john dost protest to much mean?

 

 

The quotation "the lady doth protest too much methinks" comes from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, scene II, where it is spoken by Queen Gertrude, Hamlet's mother. The phrase has come to mean that one can "insist so passionately about something not being true that people suspect the opposite of what one is saying,"(1)

 

In other words, John is potesting so much about your mistake that his protest is becoming suspect. You are obviously clear of any wrongdoing as far as an affair goes - everyone knows this including John, yet, he keeps pushing the envelope - esculating the protest. It is as if you have been inpregnated by another man for Christ's sake. He is willing to put a good ten year marriage on the line for what he knows is a GD stupid, poor judgment prank for God;'s sake?

 

Even the police friends had to pose some common sense questions such as "you value you lease more than you value your vows?" It is absurd. He is protesting too much. Something is up. Now you get me?

 

Thanks for making me look it up - I have been mis-quoting Mr. Shakespeare all this time! Yas

 

 

 

(1) Footnote. GoEnglish.com Idioms = "Protest Too Much" = Today's English Idioms.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Yes thanks I get it now! Sorry I'm taking up so much space and time on here. I need you people though ;-)

 

I just dont what could be up. Now I'm worried. I'm doubting him more now. What could it be? Do you think people razzing him about it could be why? The guy I played the prank on found out and he told so and so and so and so and one guy my husband knows jokingly said "hey i heard your wife likes to talk naughty"

 

He also told me he thinks if he hadnt confronted me I would of kept it from him and never said anything. He thinks I'm a liar now and he was warned about me from my ex that I was a liar. Ofcourse consider the source my cheating ex!

[tojaz]

 

Tojaz- you think I'm backing him in a corner by asking him what was up? I think your saying I shouldn't if asked at all or yet?

 

So do I go home and just act as if and prepare for divorce? And do nothing?

 

Jenny, I'm writing this reply before I get caught up on the two new pages on your thread, but I came across the question and wanted to answer.

 

Yes, i don't think you should have asked. Not because it was wrong or because you didn't have a right, I said that because I had a pretty good idea how he would respond based on the timing and the place you both were at.

 

Timing and context count for a lot, you didn't back him into a corner, but that is likely how he felt. He was on the defensive and was always going to reply in that respect. You corner anything, be it your spouse or a wild animal it's going to do one of two things and neither of them is have a well thought out conversation about the situation that got them there. They are either going to fight back or try to escape, push them further into the corner, their response becomes more fierce. While that's a very physical analogy, it holds true emotionally as well.

 

Think about it, it wasn't long ago that while things were tense, the lines of communication were open and he was coming to you and sharing an awful lot more then I ever would have expected. The huggy stuff was more then he was ready for and he pushed back, and then asking him made him feel he needed an answer and he picked the one that got him out of the corner the fastest. You were confronting him, and he was defending. There's never going to be anything constructive coming out of that. So yes, I think asking him was a mistake, you would have had your answer through his actions, and you already did. He had made no preparations, had no plan in place.

 

As for what you do now, that becomes tricky because you have already left so you have to consider what reentering the home is going to do to him as well. That's why I wasn't a big fan of you being the one to leave. For now though, yes I would suggest you do nothing.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I So agree! Wish I hadn't of asked. He claims he was planning on leaving all along though but yeah no prep. And he just ordered all those newcable channels. Weirdo!

 

When I say I left. I have not packed up stuff. Ijust took a bag and in the am I go home tend to the pets and prep for work. Hes gone by the time I get there.

 

The staying gone has me nervous. I mean the bills are in my name and if i get a temp new place I have to switch service over which shuts stuff off in apt for him. Unless i can have multiple accounts but if he doesnt pay the ones at our apt that will hurt my credit. Im touchy about money/credit but only cause it was bad for so long and now its good. I know excuses.

 

I have a place to stay till sunday then Ive got nowhere to go. My family lives to far away to just commute. Its a 3 hour commute one way

[tojaz]

Jenny, rather then doing my best to interpret what is on your husbands mind, I am going to point out that you have been all over the map today, your stressing yourself out, burning yourself out! Keep going at that rate and your going to be nothing but a pile of ash.

 

Step One.... Calm down.get your head together, remember to eat, and SLEEP! SLEEP! SLEEP!

 

Step Two.... Since your going to think about it regardless of if anyone asks you to take a break, pick one as in 1, uno, singular! Thing to focus your thoughts on as it pertains to the marriage etc. and stick to it. Something else pops into your head, write it down and leave it for another day. Theres no space limit on LS, so post all you want, but keep yourself focused on that one thing. You get too many things bouncing around in your head, you fall back into panic.

 

Try it, get some rest.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I So agree! Wish I hadn't of asked. He claims he was planning on leaving all along though but yeah no prep. And he just ordered all those newcable channels. Weirdo!

 

When I say I left. I have not packed up stuff. Ijust took a bag and in the am I go home tend to the pets and prep for work. Hes gone by the time I get there.

 

The staying gone has me nervous. I mean the bills are in my name and if i get a temp new place I have to switch service over which shuts stuff off in apt for him. Unless i can have multiple accounts but if he doesnt pay the ones at our apt that will hurt my credit. Im touchy about money/credit but only cause it was bad for so long and now its good. I know excuses.

 

I have a place to stay till sunday then Ive got nowhere to go. My family lives to far away to just commute. Its a 3 hour commute one way

 

I don't suggest getting a temp place. Since your out, get your rest and take a few days break and then you can go home Sunday, you still have a couple days to figure out the details of that, and we are here to help.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

And you know I'm going to need it too!! Sleep sounds good!

 

Tojaz, though you can't interupt Johns actions, motives or thoughts. Can you offer opinion on if you think there is a small chance still?

[tojaz]

And you know I'm going to need it too!! Sleep sounds good!

 

Tojaz, though you can't interupt Johns actions, motives or thoughts. Can you offer opinion on if you think there is a small chance still?

 

Yes Jenny, under the obvious caveat that I can only base my opinion on what you have shared with us, and the fact that a lot rides on his willingness to eventually do his part, I think there is still a decent chance here. IF we can get you back to where you were before the blow up, I would say a good chance.

 

Now get some sleep.

 

TOJAZ

[Mack05]

Im not sure what else it could be. I really don't think its an affair. I would think it would of shown itself by now. Those things usually always come out. Maybe he just fell out love and is using this to escape? I really dont know orher than he has a very troubled past with his family too. He was neglected as a child and bounced from place to place. I know he doesnt not handle critcism well at all.

 

He has had issues with that at a lot of his jobs. Some anger issues too but never with me. He got fired from 3 jobs in a row. One because he got in a fight with a guy, the second because he was arguing with boss who John thought was stealing, and the 3rd because of downsizing. He does have issues getting along and being friends with people at work because then he got into teaching and he has had words with people but nothing serious.

 

I know I didnt like him at first because he seemed cocky and I think he does come off that way to some but i always took it for confidence. Like i said he doesnt have many friends either hes kinda a loner except for he liked to be with me all the time. And hang out with my friends who loved him.

 

This post right here....This is why you have to get him into counselling...

[Jennyfromtheblick]

So agreed on the counseling even John knows he needs to get help. But I'm not sure you can make anyone get help who doesn't want to.

 

I think its becoming clear he doesn't care for me now too. :-( two days gone and nothing. I did see him yesterday, sort of anyway. We passed each other on road. I work only a few blocks from home so it happens but I wish it hadnt because then he knows I am close by still.

 

I am starting to think going home is NOT going to help. Honestly I feel like its not going to matter where I am he has made up his mind.

 

Feeling broken here

[Mack05]

Jen,

 

Tojaz and I may have differing opinions on how you should handle this. However the one thing we agree on, is that you have to stay strong and you have to stay positive.

 

I am not one bit shocked he hasn't contacted you. I would even guess that he is somewhat relieved to have some space. This situation will probably get worse before it gets better. You need to look at this as a marathon and not a sprint.

 

Instead of putting all your focus on him, you need to take a step back and just try gain some sport of emotional control. Then you can looking at the best way to try change his mind about counseling.

 

You are still in panic mode and while you stay in this place you cannot make good/rational decisions.

 

Is there any way you could take a week or two off work and stay with your parents?

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Mack- thank you so much for all your help. You all are helping me! I cant take anymore time off with my employee and keep my job. I've taken off a month already over these last 5 months. And I have been talked to about.

 

It would be awesome if I could go home because I could stay as long as I wanted but I have a really good job that I can't afford to lose especially when John leaves.

 

I am not in the right emotional place yet either to go home that is for sure. I'm frozen as to what to do and can't seem to concentrate on it long enough without feeling panic, fear, sadness etc.

 

Truth is Im probably going to have to return home but how can i handle that and do what I need to? I could use my pay and book a hotel for a few weeks but is that smart? I mean thats a ton of money that I could use for when he leaves as Im going to struggle a bit financially.

[Mack05]

Mack- thank you so much for all your help. You all are helping me! I cant take anymore time off with my employee and keep my job. I've taken off a month already over these last 5 months. And I have been talked to about.

 

It would be awesome if I could go home because I could stay as long as I wanted but I have a really good job that I can't afford to lose especially when John leaves.

 

I am not in the right emotional place yet either to go home that is for sure. I'm frozen as to what to do and can't seem to concentrate on it long enough without feeling panic, fear, sadness etc.

 

Truth is Im probably going to have to return home but how can i handle that and do what I need to? I could use my pay and book a hotel for a few weeks but is that smart? I mean thats a ton of money that I could use for when he leaves as Im going to struggle a bit financially.

 

Definitely not a hotel Jenny. Thats a crazy way to spend money. Could you ask your friend just to stay another two weeks? Maybe you two can come to a cash agreement? I'm sure she wouldn't charge too much and it's only two weeks...

 

If you do have to go home, I can't advise much as I really don't agree with going back after a few days. For me it solves nothing. I don't see how this works if you go back (for reasons I have already stated in this thread). Maybe Tojaz or another poster can suggest something.

 

I have little idea how you can keep a lid on all your emotions and then try to get him to come round. It hasn't worked for 4 months. I don't see a pep talk from his friends changing that. I truly believe it will make things worse you going back. Right now your not in control, you are desperate and feeling so low. This is gunpowder and someone about to light a match laying next to it.

 

If you do go home the weekend, maybe after a few days you sit down and you calmly tell him you agree to anything he wants, providing he goes to counselling with you? If he says no, just keep your cool and walk away. Other then that I think of anything..

Edited February 27, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

As for my friend I wont be able to stay with her. Her husband will not be ok with that because he doesnt like me right now! He thinks Im awful for what I did.

 

I feel like if I had just kept my mouth shut things may have been ok. But I have not been able to do that very long and it always ends in a fight. In Dec when I asked John if he was only staying till apt lease was up he said no. He isnt one to lie and that was just a calm talk. But now he is saying I knew all along that was his plan!

 

No I actually did not know! I feel like I have backed him or pressured him and I do realize I can not do that again. I just don't think it will change anything.

 

I'm still torn between wondering if he would of come around or not had i not of opened my trap. He did comment that things were going good till then. And smart assed me saying and you want to work things out and you act like this?

 

I guess I will never know because I opened it!

 

Thing about agreeing to divorce/moving out if he goes to counseling I really wouldnt agree to divorce I fully plan on contesting or not signing. How do I handle that?

[Mack05]

I feel like if I had just kept my mouth shut things may have been ok.

 

Thing about agreeing to divorce/moving out if he goes to counseling I really wouldnt agree to divorce I fully plan on contesting or not signing. How do I handle that?

 

I don't agree Jenny. That post you posted about his issues in the past was an eye opener. You staying quiet wouldn't have made a difference. You are a human being. It's impossible to just sit back and watch your husband become more and more distant.

 

The ONLY way he is going to resolve this is by being honest with himself and accepting he needs help. If he doesn't he will have lost 3 jobs (probably more) and probably 3 wives in the future! The way he handles things does not work, especially within a relationship. Leaving you is not going to help him. If anything it will make it worse.

 

The divorce thing. Again you are being negative and looking too far ahead. You need to make your mind up. Are you fighting for this? If so then no planning or talking about divorce.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Im fighting for it!! But im trying to be realistic too!!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ok well I got to get a grip NOW! Cause it looks like I am going to be going home in a few days so I am going to need all the help I can get here. As much as I can get over the internet! I AM GOING TO FIGHT FOR THIS MARRIAGE!

 

I need all your help!! I dont feel ready to go home but I am going to have to! I am just going to have to remember not to lose my cool and be positive!!!

[Mack05]

Im fighting for it!! But im trying to be realistic too!!

 

Jenny lot of posters here will advise you on being 'realistic' and planning for life without him. I am not the guy until the fat lady has sung and I don't believe she will (if you do this right), hence my optimism. I refuse to leave my life in a cynical/negative manner so therefore I can't offer that kind of advice.

 

Why?

 

When people start to have things go against them or they want to leave a marriage they can get really nasty. My last two ex's are this type. Really Lovely and sweet when things are great, vicious when they are not. Don't be one of those people Jenny. These people are full of bitterness. They are not real or genuine.

 

To save this, you have to start using PMA (positive mental attitude). This is not a place for abuse (i.e. calling him gay) or planning for life without him, or making plans behind his back to screw him over. This is about winning him back in a fair way, without underhanded tactics.

 

This is about putting up the fight of your life. If (in your head it needs to be WHEN) you win, it will be the sweetest feeling/victory. If you lose you walk away with dignity and make the divorce as easy as possible. You don't throw the toys out of the pram because you don't get what you want.

 

Honestly if you go down the nasty route, I'm thinking he is better off without you. Come on Jenny you can do this....Strength, class, dignity, belief, courage and most of all HOPE. These are the attributes you need to turn this round..

 

I will keep saying this. You can do this...

[Mack05]

Ok you have decided to go home. You know I don't agree, but like you I ain't quiting :-). Going to think about this for a few days..

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I know you dont agree but i dont feel like i have any other options that wont cause issues. I have nobody i can stay with close by and id be spending a lot of cash on a hotel. ( hubby will wonder why i am not putting paycheck in bank and become suspicious, im sure)

[Yasuandio]

I know you dont agree but i dont feel like i have any other options that wont cause issues. I have nobody i can stay with close by and id be spending a lot of cash on a hotel. ( hubby will wonder why i am not putting paycheck in bank and become suspicious, im sure)

 

This has gun powder written all over it. You remind me of myself. You have a sharp toung. If you just have to go home - be a robot - do not speak at all, period. He will try to push your buttons, this is when you are likely to explode. That is what he wants to happen so the blame can continue to be placed upon you. When you are there, or run into him in the home - say softly to yourself - "shut-up, shut-up, shut-up." No serious talk. Only space. Only fix food for yourself. Act like he is invisable. Do the 180's completely. Act "as if" you have given up. That is my advice.