Stubborn husband might leave me

[Yasuandio]

If you want Mack! But I just dont think words will mean anything to him. I think I need Action which puts a lot on me. But as we sit here John is calling autoparts stores looking for brakes.... Thats weird.

 

Can we come up with a plan on keeping me in check and actions?

 

While Mack is working on his version of the letter, I'm going to tell you a funny story. Has to do with keeping you in check. I knew the minuite you made the gay comment that we were sisters in crime.

 

About two months before the 3 day trial of my divorce, I was really pis't off. I had a huge insurance settlement check, and husband refused to sign it. One night, I got totally blasted, and drunk-dialed him. Natually I got the Voice Mail. Here's what I did for at least a half hour - calling back, when necessary. In graphic detail, I described how he had gay sex with everything from the door knob to a chicken. Every sentence had at least five really nasty cuss words.

 

I sort of forgot about it. Then over the weekend, before trial, I came to my attorney's office on a Sunday afternoon for preperation. When I arrived they had something for me to listen to. It was a half hour tape recording of those voice mails about the gay stuff. It was a lot more raunchy than I had remembered. My voice was all raspy from smoking too many ciggerettes. I sounded like a ganster!

 

Opposing council turned over the tape in discovery because they intended to use it at trial. And guess what, that was not the only tape. There was one more, thank god, it was just one more. They never used the tapes in trial. I think they didn't want to put the gay question into the Judge's mind. I think I sub-counsciously and manic-ally planted it there on purpose, for legal reasons, and to sabotage any future with him. Emotionally unsable, crazy-making behavior, as a result of alienation of affection for years.

 

But it scared the crap out of me that Sunday. Then, during Court those 3 days, I never knew when or if they were going to play it! That did not ease my comfort zone very much.

 

I wish I had never said those things, and I wish I could take back many things I have said when I've been mad or had my buttons pushed. But I was REALLY mad that night and I got wasted, by my own hand. My mom was close to death, in a crappy nursing home, and I needed that insurance money really bad, it was pre-marital property that was lost - and he knew that, but he refused to sign. My mother broke both her arms, a leg, and shattered her pelvis in the shyt nersing home - and I couldn't do anything.

 

You know what, there is no excuse for my behavior. But honey, I could not contain myself. I do not typically get wasted like that - it is not my habit at all. And I have done and said things like that without drinking a drop - in the middle of the afternoon. There are some real horror stories. Alienation of affection does not sit well with me at all. It was so intentional, and hurt so bad, I could have commited a crime, seriously.

 

However, I am always sorry afterwards about my conduct. It's impulsiveness. I'm trying to work on it in therapy. You have to think before you open your mouth: what is the purpose of what I'm about to say? Also, it helps to start listening to others carefully - rather than talking, ala, my "shut-up" mantra. It is work. I'm in therapy twice a week.

 

Anyway that is the story! I hope you got a little laugh and maybe learned something. At least you know there's someone out there that can top you. The best solution for you is NC, now you realize exactly what we were warning you about. And you can see from this story - that it can esculate, and come back to bite you. I have more stories, from when we were living together, that are far more serious, my dear. Don't let things get out of control. Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

While Mack is working on his version of the letter, I'm going to tell you a funny story. Has to do with keeping you in check. I knew the minuite you made the gay comment that we were sisters in crime.

 

About two months before the 3 day trial of my divorce, I was really pis't off. I had a huge insurance settlement check, and husband refused to sign it. One night, I got totally blasted, and drunk-dialed him. Natually I got the Voice Mail. Here's what I did for at least a half hour - calling back, when necessary. In graphic detail, I described how he had gay sex with everything from the door knob to a chicken. Every sentence had at least five really nasty cuss words.

 

I sort of forgot about it. Then over the weekend, before trial, I came to my attorney's office on a Sunday afternoon for preperation. When I arrived they had something for me to listen to. It was a half hour tape recording of those voice mails about the gay stuff. It was a lot more raunchy than I had remembered. My voice was all raspy from smoking too many ciggerettes. I sounded like a ganster!

 

Opposing council turned over the tape in discovery because they intended to use it at trial. And guess what, that was not the only tape. There was one more, thank god, it was just one more. They never used the tapes in trial. I think they didn't want to put the gay question into the Judge's mind. I think I sub-counsciously and manic-ally planted it there on purpose, for legal reasons, and to sabotage any future with him. Emotionally unsable, crazy-making behavior, as a result of alienation of affection for years.

 

But it scared the crap out of me that Sunday. Then, during Court those 3 days, I never knew when or if they were going to play it! That did not ease my comfort zone very much.

 

I wish I had never said those things, and I wish I could take back many things I have said when I've been mad or had my buttons pushed. But I was REALLY mad that night and I got wasted, by my own hand. My mom was close to death, in a crappy nursing home, and I needed that insurance money really bad, it was pre-marital property that was lost - and he knew that, but he refused to sign. My mother broke both her arms, a leg, and shattered her pelvis in the shyt nersing home - and I couldn't do anything.

 

You know what, there is no excuse for my behavior. But honey, I could not contain myself. I do not typically get wasted like that - it is not my habit at all. And I have done and said things like that without drinking a drop - in the middle of the afternoon. There are some real horror stories. Alienation of affection does not sit well with me at all. It was so intentional, and hurt so bad, I could have commited a crime, seriously.

 

However, I am always sorry afterwards about my conduct. It's impulsiveness. I'm trying to work on it in therapy. You have to think before you open your mouth: what is the purpose of what I'm about to say? Also, it helps to start listening to others carefully - rather than talking, ala, my "shut-up" mantra. It is work. I'm in therapy twice a week.

 

Anyway that is the story! I hope you got a little laugh and maybe learned something. At least you know there's someone out there that can top you. The best solution for you is NC, now you realize exactly what we were warning you about. And you can see from this story - that it can esculate, and come back to bite you. I have more stories, from when we were living together, that are far more serious, my dear. Don't let things get out of control. Yas

 

Thank you for sharing Yas! You are all right and the bad part is I know that! I want to be better from here on out. On a good note we didnt fight or yell! Still though I realize i am going about this wrong! If in Dec he was set to stay my actions since then have helped change his mind. That quick! So its possible to change them again right?

 

My granny used to say you can ease any pain with love! Not sure if thats true but when i have felt my worst peoples love and care does help. Its no cure but if I can make lots of good interactions maybe the bad can creep into the past!

 

Its worth a shot right? Im not talking nicey nice or butt kissy but he even pointed out to me that do i have any idea how it feels to constantly be come at!

 

Im not crazy about the note idea but i will consider it!

 

I know you all can only help so much but right now I need that. I WILL NOT ACT ON ANY IMPULSE WITHOUT POSTING HERE FIRST AND WAITING FOR OPINION. Even if it takes hours to hear back my marriage is worth it.

 

Btw that post about him going to store and me wanting to go check was my first example!! Lol

 

He was back in 15 mins!! Lol that would of been so untruthworthy and nutty to follow him there!!!

[tojaz]

Jenny, while mack is working on his version of the letter, which I'm going to agree needs more emotion in it...... I guess analyzing these things have beaten that part out of me.....

 

I'm going to reinforce what I said about calming down and thinking befotre you act. There's no way anyone can really coach you how to calm down in the heat of the moment, thats what makes it the heat of the moment! What I'm saying is to do your panic in private, formulate your next move, and when you have that seated firmly, then go to the next step. Had you posted what had happened BEFORE you confronted him, you could have at least had an idea what to expect before you went in guns blazing.

 

The most important thing I'm taking from him right now is that your H is looking for the path of least resistance, thats why i was against you moving out, and why I'm against you giving him an ultimatum... he's going to take it! Thats why he refuses counseling, and thats why I would imagine his friends that sided with you haven't been around much. Its also why he's waiting out the lease, its a definitive timeline that, in his mind makes the decision for him. ... it only takes both of your signatures to change a lease.

 

The point of my letter ,poorly written as it was, was not to plead your case, but a way to communicate the parallels between the two situations, while you didn't confess the email thing to him, I don't remember him coming to youy and telling him that this woman hit on him..... yet now that the situation is reversed, he doesn't see it.

 

Number one here is to reopen the lines of communication and it seems like he is willing to do that on a limited basis, but you have to make smart moves from here on out because those lines are incredibly fragile.

 

Heres free pass to panic jenny, something flips your switch, lock yourself in that room, chain yourself to a radiator if you have to STAY AWAY FROM HIM UNTIL YOU ARE UNDER CONTROL! One of you has to stay calm and remain rational, and you have no influence over him, that leaves you. Every time you go off, it just gives him more fuel for the divorce fire, but if you can keep your cool in these situation, maybe you can start to make some headway at dousing those flames!

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I agree Tojaz! My first before all else is to control myself! In my heart I don't believe John is completely gone. Maybe like you said he is using the lease as his timeline. Could be!

 

He is hard to figure out! I think the fact he still will talk and do things confuses me but I think that is just him being a kind man. If I had had an affair I am sure he wouldn't feel like doing any of that.

 

I looked into Homer McDonalds techniques and I find most are doable BUT I will not date other people that to me is just wrong!!!!!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I wish there was a chat room for us here on LS instead of posting and waiting.

 

We have been talking more tonight just household stuff. I was paying bills and just made sure he was cool with that. Nothing major.

 

He annoys me!! He is so blah! So sober so mechanical. Nothing like the John I knew months ago. It amazes me now different hurt and anger ( he told me he was over being angry in january) he admitted today hes not over the anger orthe hurt! Is that a sign he still cares? its amazing how hurt and anger can change people.

[Yasuandio]

I wish there was a chat room for us here on LS instead of posting and waiting.

 

We have been talking more tonight just household stuff. I was paying bills and just made sure he was cool with that. Nothing major.

 

He annoys me!! He is so blah! So sober so mechanical. Nothing like the John I knew months ago. It amazes me now different hurt and anger ( he told me he was over being angry in january) he admitted today hes not over the anger orthe hurt! Is that a sign he still cares? its amazing how hurt and anger can change people.

 

When he stops having a feeling (anger, hurt, happy, sad) - that is when you know it is too late. When a person doesn't care - they don't feel anything. Try to stay calm. Read all the crazy posts I made today for some laughs and cries. I may be heading for a manic episode, or chewed too much Nicorette.

 

Relax. Everything will be ok. Speak softly to yourself - say, everything will be ok. We are all here for you. Yas

Edited March 4, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ty ty ty yas! Your so sweet to me even though I'm acting like a complete butt!!

[Yasuandio]

Ty ty ty yas! Your so sweet to me even though I'm acting like a complete butt!!

 

 

You gotta get a grip honey. Like Homer says, act happy, agreeable, nice talk, happy talk. No serious talk. Nice and pleasant. Homer's ideas come from the Positive Psychology movement, that is what my therapist said. Apparently, happy people were studied to find out how to be happy, rather than studing mentally ill people to find cures. You can apply the techniques without the dating - that is for the last resort, you are not at that point.

 

You know, the Divorce Buster's website is very good. Michelle Weiner Davis has some excellent material - much can be learned just from the site. Her books are Divorce Busters, and Divorce Remedies. I gotta check out the Lemon book Mack is talking about. I have not heard of that one before. Go and look at that website. Another good website is Marriage Builders. You will like those free articles too. OK, keep a cool head. I hope someone is ready to take the reins soon. I'll stay with you a little longer, then I have to sleep.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I have looked at both websites! DB is hard to navigate their forum is set up odd! MB has good advice too but I think it banks more on a spouse who is willing to work on things and mine is not! Im going to try to do what Homer says and I gotta say Im not 100% sure what thus far what ive done hasnt worked so i will try this!

 

I feel like even with honers techniques ill just be making walking away easy for him but Im going try and see where it goes

[Yasuandio]

I have looked at both websites! DB is hard to navigate their forum is set up odd! MB has good advice too but I think it banks more on a spouse who is willing to work on things and mine is not! Im going to try to do what Homer says and I gotta say Im not 100% sure what thus far what ive done hasnt worked so i will try this!

 

I feel like even with honers techniques ill just be making walking away easy for him but Im going try and see where it goes

 

Try DB's chat forum - like this one. On the top menu thing. Then there are different sections just like LS.

 

We will give this another go tomorrow sweatheart. There is aways another day. Mack will be here with your letter too. I will check. I am really tired. I OD'd on LS today and had way too much nicotine gum. I gotta go now. I will say prayers for you. Remember, everything is going to be ok. Yas

[imtooconfused]

He also said i told him id stop doing these blow ups but i havent

 

I find that very few people on LS make book recommendations. Here is one book that I have heard of regarding anger management from female perspective that seems to get very good reviews:

 

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships: Harriet Lerner: 9780060741044: Amazon.com: Books

 

I will not say this is gonna solve anything, but it might help.

[tojaz]

I have looked at both websites! DB is hard to navigate their forum is set up odd! MB has good advice too but I think it banks more on a spouse who is willing to work on things and mine is not! Im going to try to do what Homer says and I gotta say Im not 100% sure what thus far what ive done hasnt worked so i will try this!

 

I feel like even with honers techniques ill just be making walking away easy for him but Im going try and see where it goes

 

Jenny, theres a lot of advice on this site that gets regurgitated over and over again. NC, The 180, Divorce Busters, MArriage Builders, Michele Wiener-Davis, Homer.

 

They all have their points, their good points and their bad. None of them is a true path to follow however and what worked for couple A may quite easily be the death march for couple B. There is no magic right answer. ayou have to take bits and pieces where you find them and make your own.

 

Trying to do anything to influence him right now is going to be the wrong direction and if he recognizes that fact then he's going to back further and further away. Put your focus on you! On controlling your emotions and how YOU relate to HIM rather then the other way around, otherwise it's just smoke and mirrors.

 

What has happened today gives you two things.

1. What I said about the path of least resistance. HE doesn't want to fight, or even discuss whats going on between you, he's not willing to look at himself or any other viewpoints that may sway him from where he's at right now. I don't think he's there based on a long thought out emotional decision, I think he's there because it's easier for him to be angry then it is to stick his neck out and try and trust you again.

2. Along with that, he is leaving it to you to push this to a conclusion. He doesn't want to file, yet he won't commit to trying to make it work,he's happy and comfortable in limbo, secure in knowing that he can always step one way or another if he decides to.

 

Knowing those things gives you an awful lot to work with Jenny, but you have the very difficult task of getting yourself in a state where you can use it.

 

Have a better day tomorrow Jenny

 

TOJAZ

[Mack05]

Dear John,

 

I know I have written a few letters to you, but this will be the last one.

 

I can understand why you want to leave me, I really can. The last 5 months have been the hardest of my life. Seeing the man the I love and the marriage I treasure so dearly, slowly sleeping through my fingers has been worse than any nightmare that I have ever dreamed.

 

I have tried to make things better, but in my desperate attempts to reconcile I have only made things worse. Obviously I have lost emotional control. I can't stop analyzing everything. It seems I can't stop reacting without 'thinking' first. And right now the harsh reality is my actions are not backing up my words. All this does is damage the bond of trust which was already vulnerable.

 

I wish more than anything I could turn the clock 5 months back. Why I risked my marriage to play some pathetic, juvenile immature prank, is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The fact that some of our friends know what I did, just adds to the shame. It feels like part of me is dying inside. The fact I will never get to hold you again, laugh with you again, cuddle you again, kiss you again, make love to you again just leaves me with an enormous emptiness inside.

 

I really don't think you should make such a big decision as divorce without at least some space and a trial separation. I wish you would consider counselling. Sometimes in life we don't always know what is best for us. I know you are hurting and I know you have a lot going in your life right now. Could you at least consider a trail separation?

 

The truth is I really don't want to leave go John. I don't want a divorce, but this is no longer about me. I love you with all my heart and loving someone means putting their needs above your own. Therefore with an ache in my heart, I will agree to anything you want. I understand your heart is 'closed' right now and when you have a closed heart, you have a closed mind. I accept that nothing I say or do right now will make any difference.

 

I am not sure what you want to do from now until May. If you want to move out I understand, if you want to stay I understand. So that you know, I am going to continue the lease on this place for the next year. If you decide to stay I will try and make things as easy for you as I can. I really don't want the awkwardness that has been there for the past few weeks. I don't want out last few months together to be sad one's.

 

Finally, I need you to know something. I will always be available for reconciliation. There is no other man for me. Not now, not ever. Your the only man I want a future with. If it's not with you, then I don't want it with any man. Despite everything I still believe in us. I would do anything, literally anything to save our marriage. Even if you can find forgiveness for what I did, I know I need to change. I also recognise that change doesn't take place over night.

 

I don't want to be that immature silly 'girl' anymore. I want to change and if you could ever give me a chance, I can show you that I've got the guts to stand up for what I believe in and I believe in us John. I love you with all my heart and I know deep down you love me back. I want to grow old with you. I want have a family with you. I want to have kids with you. Kids with your eyes, and your smile and my...I just want to have the privilege of giving birth to them. That's all.

 

I am always yours. I will always love you and I will always have sadness and regret for what I have done.

 

Your Jenny

Edited March 4, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Thats very nice Mack!

 

I cried actually! Because I always told him I wanted our children to have his eyes. He has the most beautiful bright green eyes.

 

How do I deliver a letter like that? Do i hand deliver it? Lay it out for him to see?

 

My only concern is does it sound to desperate? Can he use that against me later if i decide not to give him his divorce?

[Mack05]

Thats very nice Mack!

 

I cried actually! Because I always told him I wanted our children to have his eyes. He has the most beautiful bright green eyes.

 

How do I deliver a letter like that? Do i hand deliver it? Lay it out for him to see?

 

My only concern is does it sound to desperate? Can he use that against me later if i decide not to give him his divorce?

 

Jen if you want him back you do exactly as he says. Simple as. If he asks for a divorce you agree. I know that is hard, but you have to bring something new to the table. That letter is worth nothing if you don't back up your words. You need to think of the longterm here.

 

For the next two months you are nice, positive and give him no hassle. No matter what you hear. If he says he still wants a divorce you say 'ok' and nothing else. If you turn around, have a blow up after giving him that letter it's over.

 

I think it's a good thing if he moves out. If he does and you haven't hassled him for the last two months he may have second thoughts about the divorce. He may have a rethink with space and time. This is what we are hoping for. If he doesn't reconsider you have to accept his decision. Crying, begging, pleading, being nasty, blowing up. These will just reinforce his decision and put the final nails in the coffin.

 

Right now the odds are against you. That is the harsh reality. That doesn't mean you quit. You need to do all the right things to stand any chance. Jenny you are going to be tested. If you fail these tests it's over. Your only option is to do as he says. If this means it ends in divorce you have to accept it.....

 

As for the letter. You hand write it and make sure your scent is on it (fav perfume, the one he likes the most, the one he associates with you). How you give it to him, I will let that up to you.

 

If it were me, I would just hand it to him with a smile and ask him to read it. I would then head to the pub/bar for a beer or two to give him space.

 

 

***** In the letter above "I don't want out last few months together to be sad one's" should be "I don't want our last few months together to be sad one's" *****

Edited March 4, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I think I can do this all!!

 

 

Except if he decides he still wants divorce I hate the thought of going along with it.

 

I let everyone comment on the letter and their take and we can go from there.

 

Very well written though and I think you and Tojaz actually taking the time to write letters for me is so kind. And yas staying on to talk to me when shes so tired. Your good people and im very thankful :-)

 

And all the others who have offered support, book suggestions thank you thank you!!!

[Mack05]

I think I can do this all!!

 

Except if he decides he still wants divorce I hate the thought of going along with it.

 

I let everyone comment on the letter and their take and we can go from there.

 

Very well written though and I think you and Tojaz actually taking the time to write letters for me is so kind. And yas staying on to talk to me when shes so tired. Your good people and im very thankful :-)

 

And all the others who have offered support, book suggestions thank you thank you!!!

 

Absolutely you can do this Jen and I agree about getting feedback from Tojaz, Yas and any other of the great folk here on Loveshack. I think it's always great to bounce idea's off each other.

 

I know you HATE the going along with the divorce option, but as I said his heart and mind are closed right now and this is key. You need to recognise that 'fighting' this will push him further and further away. That doesn't mean it can't change in future. Other couples have come back from FAR worse.

 

What we need to do is show him the BEST Jenny over the next two months. Even if things aren't going your way. Even he keeps talking about divorce you stay positive and keep cool. This thread (which is now epic!) is the place to vent. To let those frustrations out.

 

When he mentions divorce just say as little as possible, just be agreeable to everything he says. In the meantime try look your best as much as possible. Cook lovely dinners, but don't force him to sit with you. Have the house looking spotless at all times. Try keep the body language positive. Smile when you see him. Try get out as well. Long walks, quite beers, cinema. Just get out to give yourself time to breathe as it will get tough. Real tough..

 

Being positive when are are hurting inside (when we are scared) is one of life's great challenges. It takes a strong person to do it and you need to show John a strong woman in the next two months..

 

Time for Plan B..Plan A was space :-)

 

Objective 1. Make the next two months as happy as possible. Keep your cool and keep positive. We have two months to figure out objective 2..

Edited March 4, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Your right! I can agree! I can agree with divorce for now but if he goes through with it thats where i have a hard time.

 

 

One thing that bugs me from yesterday is in one breath he said he foesnt think i love him because ive said get out and get the f. Out and ill help you pack etc but then in the next he said if i loved him i wouldnt fight him on Divorce now WTF? Seriously?

[Mack05]

Your right! I can agree! I can agree with divorce for now but if he goes through with it thats where i have a hard time.

 

One thing that bugs me from yesterday is in one breath he said he foesnt think i love him because ive said get out and get the f. Out and ill help you pack etc but then in the next he said if i loved him i wouldnt fight him on Divorce now WTF? Seriously?

 

You not only need to agree with the divorce now, you need to agree to it period. This isn't a game of poker and you are trying to bluff..You are agreeing to the divorce because you love him and are putting him and his needs first. Despite the fact its against everything you want or agree with. That is what true love is Jenny. If you are not genuine he will see right through you. He needs to see a woman that really puts him first. Not a woman who is playing manipulative games to get her own way.

 

When you have the papers in front of you we can all talk more then, but it will take a lot of effort to get those papers together. If you get served that is probably the end. Nothing you do will make a difference.

 

He is clearly confused Jenny. The more you push him, blow up at him, this just pushes him in the direction that you don't want him going in. This is why he needs to see the best you. If he see's this, then has space. He may think "am I being hasty getting a divorce?". He may not of course and you could get served papers before he leaves.

 

The one thing I do know is, if you say "I am not giving you a divorce" and get nasty. This is over. You have no chance. All he will see is a selfish immature girl and it will make him more determined to proceed.

 

The odds are against you. He is probably 90-95% sure divorce is what he wants. What you need to do over the next few months is just put a seed of doubt in his mind. He might say "maybe I am doing the wrong thing getting divorced". If the door opens slightly ajar at least you have a shot.

 

For me the tactics are clear. I'd give the letter (after feedback). I'd be as positive and well behaved as possible for the next two months. I would let him move out and just hope and pray space makes him see sense. That is all you can do Jenny.

 

**** from the letter above "slowly sleeping through my fingers" should be "slowly slipping through my fingers"..****

Edited March 4, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Im making my mind up im doing this as i see no other options.

 

 

I pray its not to late! I think if in dec he wasnt sure that was just a few months ago maybe he can change his mind again.

 

Question for divorcees? Did any of you feel in your gut the other spouse wouldn't file and they still did?

 

My heart just doesnt see him filing... Leaving yes but not filing. Maybe im crazy!

 

I think as long as hes still in the house and we are married there is a chance!

 

So what i need aside from feedback on this letter is help with daily contact with him. Im always home first. Normally the evening is hard because we both just sit around! Do i sit on couch with him or find stuff to do? Its hard to find things every evening to do to appear busy but some nights im just tired and dont feel like doing stuff.

[Mack05]

Im making my mind up im doing this as i see no other options.

 

I pray its not to late! I think if in dec he wasnt sure that was just a few months ago maybe he can change his mind again.

 

Question for divorcees? Did any of you feel in your gut the other spouse wouldn't file and they still did?

 

My heart just doesnt see him filing... Leaving yes but not filing. Maybe im crazy!

 

I think as long as hes still in the house and we are married there is a chance!

 

So what i need aside from feedback on this letter is help with daily contact with him. Im always home first. Normally the evening is hard because we both just sit around! Do i sit on couch with him or find stuff to do? Its hard to find things every evening to do to appear busy but some nights im just tired and dont feel like doing stuff.

 

Maybe there is a chance if he stays, but I believe strongly that space will help you both. It's hard to make changes to your life if you are in constant contact. It's also hard for him to work through his emotions while you are both in constant contact.

 

The next 2 months, I worry about the potential for a huge devastating marriage ending argument and here lies the problem. We can plan all we want, but when we hear something we are not expecting, it is very easy to fly off the handle. You just can't afford mistakes and this just adds to the enormous pressure that you are under.

 

You fly off the handle, because you are holding in all these emotions. I mean we all warned you to keep cool when you first got back. What happened the first weekend you got back?You lost it when you simply could not afford to.

 

I would be soooo proud of you if you keep your cool for the next two months but honestly after the weekend, I'm not sure you can do it Jenny. Real genuine change takes time. It needs to be done within your own space and timeframe. To control your emotions in an argument, especially when you have been holding all these emotions inside requires incredible focus and discipline. Things you haven't shown thus far Jenny, that is what worries me and that is why I keep saying my need for 'space' mantra.

 

If you feel like you are ever about to lose your cool, you have to leave the room/house but in a cool and controlled manner. If you feel like you are going to explode come here. If no one is here, send me a Loveshack PM and I will give you my Facebook and/or my instant messenger address.

 

As for evenings at home, I suggest having a routine. Try know what you are going to do every night and stick to it. An example might be Monday TV night, Tuesday gym, Wednesday cinema, or coffee with friend(s), Thursday gym/long walk, Friday hot bath and chill in the room. Those are just suggestions. Just do the same things on each night for the next 2 months. Routines give you structure. They give you discipline. Not only that it gives him opportunities to plan his time around your schedule. I might even let him know about your schedule.

 

Every morning try get up early. Getting up early gives you a purpose and focus to your day. Every night try cook him a dinner, but as I said don't force him to sit with you. When you are in a room together try keep it as relaxed as possible. If he surprises you with divorce talk just say as little as possible whilst being agreeable.

 

This "being tired and don't feel like doing stuff". Not good enough. Can't use these excuses. You need to work incredibly hard these next months. You need to be a bundle of positive energy, even though it's the last thing you want to do. You have to make the hardest things look easy. I keep saying this is probably the biggest fight of your life. I don't think you realise just how tough it's going to get.

 

The simple question is. How much do you want it....Cause if you want it more than anything, you have to work for it more than anything..

Edited March 4, 2013 by Mack05

[Yasuandio]

Jenny,

 

Either you or John needs to get a place, now. I think there will be another explosion. With your temprement, I do not believe that you can keep a lid on it, during the "heat of the moment." Additionally, I think John is a button pusher - and knows just exactly which button to push to set you off, I do not see him as an innocent - I think he is an active participant(albeit perhaps passive/aggressive) in this dance of anger. I hate to discourage you, but I believe there has to be some intervention of some kind. And I don't want to see it get any worse. Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I do want it more than anything!

 

Just for the record I CAN DO THIS!!

[Mack05]

I do want it more than anything!

 

Just for the record I CAN DO THIS!!

 

I like Yas's last post. I agree fully with it. I think John is far from innocent but before you can address his issues, you need to make sure he is fully committed to the marriage, which right now he is not. Therefore its one step at a time.

 

You say you can this? Ok Now is the time for ACTIONS to backup your words..Yas and myself think space is needed but you are determined to proceed with this course of action.

 

Ok we will still support you but this really now is the time for action....

[Yasuandio]

Dear John,

 

I know I have written a few letters to you, but this will be the last one.

 

I understand COMPLETELY why you NO LONGER WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ME. The last 5 months have been the hardest of my life. Seeing the man the I love and the marriage I treasure so dearly, slowly SLIPPING through my fingers has been worse nightmare that I COULD EVER IMAGINE.

 

I have tried MY BEST FOR MONTHS, but in my desperate attempts to reconcile have only made worseNED THE SITUATION. PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY FOR MY LOSS OF EMOTIONAL CONTROL OVER THE MONTHS. THERE IS NO GOOD EXCUSE, OTHER THAN ONE CANNOT PREDICT HOW THE HEART WILL RESPOND TO REJECTION. ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I LOVE YOU, I DON'T WANT TO LOSS YOU, AND I HAVE BEEN FRIGHTENED, AND SCARED OUT OF MY MIND THAT OUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO END BECAUSE OF THIS MISTAKE I MADE.

 

I wish I could turn the clock 5 months back. I WAS AN IDIOT NOT TO REALIZE THAT I WAS RISKING my marriage WHEN I AGREED to play THAT STUPID pathetic, juvenile immature prank. THIS EVENT will haunt me for the rest of my life. The fact that some of our friends know what I did, just adds to the shame. It feels like part of me is dying inside. The fact I will never get to hold you again, laugh with you again, cuddle you again, kiss you again, make love to you again just leaves me with an enormous emptiness inside.

 

I know you are hurting and I know you have a lot going in your life right now. AND I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD RE-CONSIDER YOUR DECISION OF DIVORCE WHEN YOU ARE IN A CALMER FRAME OF MIND. IT IS MY PREFERENCE TO STAY MARRIED TO YOU JOHN, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU DEEPLY, AND I THING WE CAN WORK THROUGH THIS ISSUE. IT IS MY HOPE THAT YOU WILL THINK ABOUT A trial separation AND PERHAPS MARRIAGE COUNCILING INSTEAD OF A DIVORCE. HOWEVER, IF IT A DIVORCE YOU WANT, I AGREE TO BE COOPERATIVE.

 

I am not sure what you want to do from now until May. If you want to move out I understand, if you want to stay I understand. So that you know, I am going to continue the lease on this place for the next year. If you decide to stay I will try and make things as easy for you as I can. I really don't want the awkwardness that has been there for the past few weeks. I don't want out last few months together to be sad one's. AT THE SAME TIME, IF WE ARE TO DIVORCE, I THINK YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT WE BOTH NEED SOME PRIVATE TIME TO BEGIN ACCEPTING OUR NEW LIVES AS SINGLE PEOPLE.

 

I am always yours. I will always love you and I will always have sadness and regret for what I have done.

 

Your Jenny

 

OK. I simplifed the letter, my additions are in caps. I especially deleted the "I will change" parts. Because people do not change - and he won't believe it anyway. Jenny is who she is - and she is responding to rejection. I made that point too - in an apology format. I mean I'm not criticzing the letter - but I don't think this ios the kind of guy that will read a lot of eloquint detail. I really emphasied accepance of what he says he wants. I think that is important. And also a suggestion at the end - that someone needs to go. Take?