Stubborn husband might leave me

[Mack05]

Jenny:

I have read up to now and what I have read saddens me...it is like watching a train getting ready to crash and not being able to avert my eyes. In trying so hard to "fight" for a man who punishes you and emotionally abuses you, you have lost yourself. From my viewpoint, this feels like you are harassing your husband because you are scared of being alone. He is right in everything he has said to you...had you left and tried to do things for yourself and actually had some respect for yourself and the truth you were trying to convey, he may have learned to respect and admire you later on. Yet, you played silly, immature games and tried to overanalyze this situation as though you had any say in this...you let him have your power when you let him emotionally confuse and sabotage your every move because of your guilt over the e-mails. I have known people who have committed murder who have had less punishment than you by this man. Forgive me for being blunt, but it is hard to watch you run this into the ditch over and over for a situation that is over. Maybe your marriage can be saved, but it isn't your call. You gave him your power and so he will have to be the one to save anything. Why would he though? You have harassed him...talked about your problems to his cop friends right in front of him, talked about him on this message board instead of respecting his decision to move on with his life because of your mistake. In the beginning of this thread, a few weeks back, I asked you to move on because I think he is unkind to you. The reason I did this was because pathetic begging has never won over a heart, and insane rantings has never made someone trust someone who betrayed them.

Leave. Harassing him will not end well. You are trying to force a situation on him that he does not want. Staying positive is a great idea....stay positive in the fact that you now have to take care of yourself and move on with your life. You are headed for divorce...no letter in the world is going to change his mind now. Everything you have done has only reinforced his concept of you as a betrayer and someone who does not respect him. I feel harrassed by what you have said and done to him...your neediness is unattractive at best and is bordering on maniacal. There is no man on earth who would want someone who says he is gay and storms and rages when things do not go the way she wants. It is frustrating...yes, but you had the chance to leave or ask him to leave because he is unfair and unpleasant to you. We do what works and him being a dickhead got him so much meek wifey stuff and walking on eggshells and emotional stonewalling...wow, it is painful to read.

I do not say this to hurt you. I know you are a girl, but now is not the time to throw tantrums and to hang on for dear life to someone who is doing his best to get over you and move on.

He is immature and very emotionally abusive, but instead of accepting that he may be wrong and needed to become healthy again and forgive you in his own time and way while you moved on with your life to become a better person for him or a future lover...you had to "change" his mind about something he was very firm to you on many, many occasions. In doing so...you lost yourself and that is what saddens me most of all. Read back your need for everyone here to tell you what to do...it is pathetic in so many ways. I know I will not be popular for saying this...but you needed to grow, not stay stagnant in a situation which took away your own spirit. The advice was well meant and some of it was quite good, but in the end the only advice you needed was to love yourself and stop sacrificing yourself and your self-esteem to a man who is obviously not well. Teen angst is how I would describe what you wrote about him....he is a teacher, not a child.

I can see all of this from his viewpoint and it isn't pretty. I also know your heart was in the right place, but in order to "save" your marriage, you have lost yourself and therefore you aren't emotionally available to be in a healthy relationship with him or anyone else.

Sorry if this is rough...I just can't stand to see you so delusional...it is painful to watch.

Good luck

AW

 

Absewarrior I am so glad you stopped by this thread. I found myself nodding along to a lot of this post. It's why I love this site. Seeing different angles from different posters and points brilliantly made. We are all so desperate to see Jenny happy, sometimes you lose sight of some of the facts.

 

Even if her husband were to forgive Jenny, even of he is a good guy, there is no denying this guy is very emotionally immature and emotionally abusive. The marriage will require counselling and a lot of hard work if it is to survive and eventually prosper.

 

His punishment of Jenny shows his immaturity and his darker side. In these scenario's you do two things.. Leave and move on, or truly forgive. You don't stay and put your wife through emotional hell, to the verge of completely snapping. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

I have kept saying Jenny needed to get space but couldn't find the words and the reasoning as to why. This post does that. Space Jenny, once your emotions had calmed down would have made you see what Absewarrior has said above.

 

This post has completely changed my viewpoint on the letter. Not only would I not give it, if I were Jenny I would take my power back. Fantastic post Absewarrior..

Edited March 5, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Absewarrior I am so glad you stopped by this thread. I found myself nodding along to a lot of this post. It's why I love this site. Seeing different angles from different posters and points brilliantly made. We are all so desperate to see Jenny happy, sometimes you lose sight of some of the facts.

 

Even if her husband were to forgive Jenny, even of he is a good guy, there is no denying this guy is very emotionally immature and emotionally abusive. The marriage will require counselling and a lot of hard work if it is to survive and eventually prosper.

 

His punishment of Jenny shows his immaturity and his darker side. In these scenario's you do two things.. Leave and move on, or truly forgive. You don't stay and put your wife through emotional hell, to the verge of completely snapping. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

I have kept saying Jenny needed to get space but couldn't find the words and the reasoning as to why. This post does that. Space Jenny, once your emotions had calmed down would have made you see what Absewarrior has said above.

 

This post has completely changed my viewpoint on the letter. Not only would I not give it, if I were Jenny I would take my power back. Fantastic post Absewarrior..

 

I disagree 110%! Im sorry to hear you agree Mack... Seriously sorry!

I have power I choose to do what I want. I am a firm believer in that and nobody can have that power. I have power over ME, as does he over HIMSELF. i dont think he has emotionally abused me at all infact I might suggest its the other way around. Just because I am fighting for my marriage does not make me powerless or abused! Abuse is not something that should be thrown around. Its serious and I am not being emotionally abused! He is hurt and acting so. I am hurt and have acted so doesnt make it right but doesnt make it abuse either.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I am a tad annoyed with the space issue too. Its been said and said and said! Its not happening now I thought we were moving on and supporting me anyway?

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny:

I have read up to now and what I have read saddens me...it is like watching a train getting ready to crash and not being able to avert my eyes. In trying so hard to "fight" for a man who punishes you and emotionally abuses you, you have lost yourself. From my viewpoint, this feels like you are harassing your husband because you are scared of being alone. He is right in everything he has said to you...had you left and tried to do things for yourself and actually had some respect for yourself and the truth you were trying to convey, he may have learned to respect and admire you later on. Yet, you played silly, immature games and tried to overanalyze this situation as though you had any say in this...you let him have your power when you let him emotionally confuse and sabotage your every move because of your guilt over the e-mails. I have known people who have committed murder who have had less punishment than you by this man. Forgive me for being blunt, but it is hard to watch you run this into the ditch over and over for a situation that is over. Maybe your marriage can be saved, but it isn't your call. You gave him your power and so he will have to be the one to save anything. Why would he though? You have harassed him...talked about your problems to his cop friends right in front of him, talked about him on this message board instead of respecting his decision to move on with his life because of your mistake. In the beginning of this thread, a few weeks back, I asked you to move on because I think he is unkind to you. The reason I did this was because pathetic begging has never won over a heart, and insane rantings has never made someone trust someone who betrayed them.

Leave. Harassing him will not end well. You are trying to force a situation on him that he does not want. Staying positive is a great idea....stay positive in the fact that you now have to take care of yourself and move on with your life. You are headed for divorce...no letter in the world is going to change his mind now. Everything you have done has only reinforced his concept of you as a betrayer and someone who does not respect him. I feel harrassed by what you have said and done to him...your neediness is unattractive at best and is bordering on maniacal. There is no man on earth who would want someone who says he is gay and storms and rages when things do not go the way she wants. It is frustrating...yes, but you had the chance to leave or ask him to leave because he is unfair and unpleasant to you. We do what works and him being a dickhead got him so much meek wifey stuff and walking on eggshells and emotional stonewalling...wow, it is painful to read.

I do not say this to hurt you. I know you are a girl, but now is not the time to throw tantrums and to hang on for dear life to someone who is doing his best to get over you and move on.

He is immature and very emotionally abusive, but instead of accepting that he may be wrong and needed to become healthy again and forgive you in his own time and way while you moved on with your life to become a better person for him or a future lover...you had to "change" his mind about something he was very firm to you on many, many occasions. In doing so...you lost yourself and that is what saddens me most of all. Read back your need for everyone here to tell you what to do...it is pathetic in so many ways. I know I will not be popular for saying this...but you needed to grow, not stay stagnant in a situation which took away your own spirit. The advice was well meant and some of it was quite good, but in the end the only advice you needed was to love yourself and stop sacrificing yourself and your self-esteem to a man who is obviously not well. Teen angst is how I would describe what you wrote about him....he is a teacher, not a child.

I can see all of this from his viewpoint and it isn't pretty. I also know your heart was in the right place, but in order to "save" your marriage, you have lost yourself and therefore you aren't emotionally available to be in a healthy relationship with him or anyone else.

Sorry if this is rough...I just can't stand to see you so delusional...it is painful to watch.

Good luck

AW

 

This post could be considered abusive too you know!

Thanks for reading my story I dont agree.

[Mack05]

Abse's post is VERY to the point Jenny and I can see why you are hurt, but I agree with a lot of what he has says. I'm sorry if this upsets you. Please don't think I no longer support you, or think that this can't be saved.

 

It can be saved but it requires work on both sides. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. In hindsight I would have given the letter I posted at the very beginning. If it didn't work and he mentioned divorce, I would just have agreed and let it all play out. After all your cards would have been on table. It's up to him to decide what direction to take (stay or leave). It's his failure to take a definite direction is what just adding to your problems. Yes be angry, yes make your point, yes have space to cool down, but 5 months of feeling sorry for yourself and leaving your wife in limbo....Not good enough.

 

There are 3 wrongs here. Firstly your mistake. Then the way he has emotionally abused you these past few months and thirdly your reaction to this emotional abuse. You can't make him out to be the good guy here. The punishment FAR outweighs the crime. I am reading threads about a husband probably going to forgive his wife for cheating on him (3 week affair). He is going to get distance cool off and then forgive her. Yet your husband can't forgive a stupid idiotic prank gone wrong?

 

That's what John needed to do at the very beginning. Get some time apart. Then he needed to decide whether to leave and be decisive or forgive you and stay. If he forgives he needs to understand that he can not use your mistake against you.

 

What he has done is punish you for 5 months and be the complete opposite of decisive. It baffles me how you can't recognise his emotional abuse of you these past 5 months. Unless John recognises his own bad behaviour, this will be an up hill battle. If you let him away with this behaviour Jen then you are giving him your power. Its like you are a puppet and he is pulling the strings. He is so full of righteous anger that he can't see any wrong doing in his behaviour.

 

Now in my previous posts I came up with suggests to try reconcile and then afterwards when things settled down confront him on his behaviour. Right now in his head he is 100% right and you are the crazy unreliable woman. That is so unfair and unless he comes to the table with a new attitude, then I can't see how you can progress in a Healthy way and this is the key point to Abse's post. It would be great to reconcile but if the relationship bond is not an emotionally healthy one, this will just lead to bigger problems down the line.

 

I would just keep doing what you are doing Jenny. If he keeps talking about a divorce be agreeable. Until he comes to the table and says I want to resolve this, then there is little you can do anyway. If he does come to the table and is unable or unwilling to acknowledge how badly he has treated you, I would suggest divorce might even be the better option..I know you want to save your marriage, but unless he totally understands that his unacceptable behaviour is the catalyst behind your emotional rants, how can you move forward?

Edited March 5, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Mack I just dont see how some person can come out and throw out some terms you change your stance. I feel like you arent going to help me now and I really needed your help.

 

I dont feel like i have your support at all and Im sure that was the point of Abs post. As was calling me patheic and dillusional and etc. im not any of those! That was not helpful and no i dont see it as emotiobal abuse hes been telling me he wants a divorce. He hasnt called me names hes acted like a man who wants a divorce. I know this man and i will defend him. I dont think hes right to stay either but he has been clear what he wants. That doesnt mean Im not going to fight.

 

If you cant help me and are swayed by this new persons rude post thats cool maybe Tojaz and Yas can still help. My husband isnot a bad guy neither am i just because some kook says so. This is so dumb here i was all positive thinking i had some friends to work with me and guide me and now it feels the opposite

[Yasuandio]

Abse's post is VERY to the point Jenny and I can see why you are hurt, but I agree with a lot of what he has says.

 

I also agree.

 

There are 3 wrongs here. Firstly your mistake. Then the way he has emotionally abused you these past few months and thirdly your reaction to this emotional abuse. You can't make him out to be the good guy here. The punishment FAR outweighs the crime. I am reading threads about a husband probably going to forgive his wife for cheating on him (3 week affair). He is going to get distance cool off and then forgive her. Yet your husband can't forgive a stupid idiotic prank gone wrong?

 

 

Jenny,

 

Firstly, in your fresh stage of maturity I urge you to apply wisdom every chance you get, especially when things wrong, or you don't immediately agree with something. I'm telling you Abse's post incorporates some outstanding points. I challenge you to apply your wisdom and show us that you can identify these positive applicable points, rather than outright reject this Abse's post, he took so much time to prepare.

 

Now, you seem to be confused about the abuse situation. Let me explain how you have been emotionally abused. You made a mistake, been called on the carpet for it. Showed your defense ten-fold and exonerated yourself. It is certainly obvious that this was an immature prank, and that you used bad judgment. This fack has even been verified by two policemen and John, himself.

 

Yet, the punishment does not fit the crime, and you have lived a life of limbo for 5 months as Mack states. As Abse's points out you presented on LS as needy, self-sacrifing, and pathetic - requiring everyone to tell you what exactly to do - as if you soul had been ripped out of you. That trepidation is the result of the emotional abuse, Jenny.

 

The emotional abuse is the limbo John has held you in, it is also the alienation of his affections, and it is his constant rejection of you, his wife. This has been done unto you for five months. You have been walking on eggshells, not knowing what your future will be all this time - desparately reaching out to strangers to guide you.

 

Yesterday, you mentioned fear. Yes, you have been living in fear and you know why. That is a problem you can solve yourself. In fact, you can solve all these problems yourself. Where did this fear come from? John. When someone causes you to have fear, it is abusive. He has held divorce over your head all these months, and intends to keep doing it until, at least, the lease expires. Like you said, you do not have to be afraid.

 

John's behavior is not unlike gaslighting, another form of abuse. He come home from work, fixes the car, takes out the trash, helps bring in the groceries, just like everything is normal. But the actions don't match up with his stated intentions - that he is going to divorce you. How is that supposed to be a comfortable environment for you? That is an enviornment that messes with your mind, my dear. Gaslight. He is just hanging around watching the tube, deciding whatever-whenever, meantime, you are out of your mind thinking the worst. And he is right there in your face, like everything is normal. That is torture.

 

There it is, John's emotional abuse of Jenny defined for you. If you want more details - look up the cycle of abuse/power on the internet.

 

And yes, sometime the abused turns into the abuser. I don't need to point out when you have been abusive, do I? Your's falls under verbal asault, or verbal abusiveness. I have that problem too, when I am hurt, and angered. You are not alone.

Edited March 5, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Yasuandio]

Mack I just dont see how some person can come out and throw out some terms you change your stance. I feel like you arent going to help me now and I really needed your help.

 

I dont feel like i have your support at all and Im sure that was the point of Abs post. As was calling me patheic and dillusional and etc. im not any of those! That was not helpful and no i dont see it as emotiobal abuse hes been telling me he wants a divorce. He hasnt called me names hes acted like a man who wants a divorce. I know this man and i will defend him. I dont think hes right to stay either but he has been clear what he wants. That doesnt mean Im not going to fight.

 

If you cant help me and are swayed by this new persons rude post thats cool maybe Tojaz and Yas can still help. My husband isnot a bad guy neither am i just because some kook says so. This is so dumb here i was all positive thinking i had some friends to work with me and guide me and now it feels the opposite

 

Honey, do not panic. It is only another point of view. It is well written, and makes some good points - even if they sting. If some of the points sting, they may be a good aniseptic. Try not to be defensive. Be that new mature gal. Remember, we are trying to help you. No one is going to spend that much time on your situation if they do not care to help. Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Yas- i see what your saying but i disagree with Abs post. To tell someone they are being abused and then verbal abuse me kills any points hes making to me. I cant and wont allow someone to try to discourage me from trying to save MY marriage.

 

In a real sense we are ALL abusers by nature. So be it. When in life you know better you do better. And believe me i am well aware just john staying with me and not divorcing isnt the point here. Mack and i and you and Tojaz have all agreed counsiling is the hope. Abs post pointed out what he thinks but has he read what the goal has been to try to save the marriage and get into counciling? Its not as if im just wanting to not divorce, I wanted that healthy marriage back.

 

Its quite frustrating when people post negative negative negative and all the time mack has put in along with others im sorry one long a$$ post by abs pointing out what he thinks are my flaws and etc isnt going to help me. Why come on to put someone down? Pointless to me and him/ her whatever calling me names isnt going to do it!

 

Im moving on if people on here dont wish to help then ok i thank them for their time thus far. If they still do great super yeah!

[Mack05]

Jenny I have changed my stance on two things. For me it's important to always have an open mind. In my past when I would argue I wouldn't be budged on my opinion. Now I leave my options open and carefully examine other people's view points.

 

Now what have I changed my stance on...Firstly, I don't think you should send the letter, at least not for the forseeable future.

 

The second thing I am still 'grey' on to be honest. I am not sure if you should bend over backwards to get a second chance (ignoring his failings for the time being until things are more stable), or should you just lay everything out on the table when the right time comes. Therefore if I were you I would just do what you are doing until you figure all this out.

 

If you are not comfortable with me posting on this thread thats perfectly fine Jenny. Yas and Tojaz are awesome posters, so I know you are in safe hands. Abse's post while a little harsh made some outstanding points and it showed me an angle I neglected. That angle is this -> Even if you got back together how 'healthy' can the relationship be going forward considering everything that has happened the past 5 months...

 

See Jenny not only do I want you to reconcile, I want long term happiness to follow that. I can't see how there can be long term happiness unless how he deals with things change..Doesn't matter if he is a good guy. His kind of behaviours will eventually destroy all the good in a relationship..You too need to learn not to fly of the handle when emotional. It solves nothing.

 

Yas made some great points in her last two posts. Please try to absorb what she is trying to tell you..

Edited March 5, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny I have changed my stance on two things. For me it's important to always have an open mind. In my past when I would argue I wouldn't be budged on my opinion. Now I leave my options open and carefully examine other people's view points.

 

Now what have I changed my stance on...Firstly, I don't think you should send the letter, at least not for the forseeable future.

 

The second thing I am still 'grey' on to be honest. I am not sure if you should bend over backwards to get a second chance (ignoring his failings for the time being until things are stable), or should you just lay everything out on the table when the right time comes. Therefore if I were you I would just do what you are doing until you figure all this out.

 

If you are not comfortable with me posting on this thread thats perfectly fine Jenny. Yas and Tojaz are awesome posters, so I know you are in safe hands. Abse's post while a little harsh made some outstanding points and it showed me an angle I neglected. That angle is this -> Even if you got back together how 'healthy' can the relationship be going forward considering everything that has happened the past 5 months...

 

See Jenny not only do I want you to reconcile, I want long term happiness to follow that. I can't see how there can be long term happiness unless how he deals with things change..Doesn't matter if he is a good guy. His kind of behaviours will eventually destroy all the good in a relationship..

 

Yas made some great points in her last two posts. Please try to absorb what she is trying to tell you..

 

Please try to see what I am saying! This is one step at a time NEVER did ANYONE the last five months would be ignored! I have said as well as you and tojaz and YAS he NEEDS counciling! Im not sure where this idea that i was going to bend over and just ignore that came from. I never said that. He needs counciling and that is a given. I was taking this one day at a time to first get me and my emotions under control then hopefully try to devise a plan to get him help. I love him i want him to get help and us too as a couple.

 

Im not discounting yas post! I dont fully agree but thats ok i dont have to. This should not be about ganging up on me though either with all the sudden my husband is an abuser. Im sorry i dont like the term but by definition if he then so am i.

 

I feel like people trying to suggest i dont have a spine and i do. Im not NOT going to defend myself i mean c'mon? I want my marriage to work but i know COUNCILING IS A MUST.

 

mack i dont want you not to post but if now all im going to hear is hes an abuser he took your power and etc that isnt helping. I want to work on a plan for a healthy marriage again and just because i dont agree with what this absewarrior is saying doesnt mean anything.

[imtooconfused]

Jennyfromtheblick, firstly you have to take EVERYTHING you get from this site with a grain of salt. Don't take anyone's positive comments as the gospel truth and someone's negative comments as trying to destroy you. Mostly what you get here are people's opinions and we all know everyone has a different opinion about everything.

 

Having said that, constructive criticism can sting and sometimes even hurt. If the criticism is provided with the intent to help you, however, it should be weighed reflectively rather than discarded outright. Only this way can one grow and mature as a person. I remember when I was taking music lessons. I hated when the instructor would point out flaws in my playing or my style, but they were always justifiable corrections that I needed to learn to improve as a musician.

 

I don't know whether what Absewarrior said is true or not, because only you can ultimately judge that. But my read of the way he wrote that makes it sound like he was trying to be constructive and help you get through your crisis on your own, no matter how hard that will be for you. Please be open to the possibility that there are some good things to take away from that posting.

[Mack05]

Jenny I will tell you a story which I am VERY ashamed of. The last girl I loved I had a big issue with the amount of guys she slept with in her past. I gave her all kinds of hassle. Pull/Push. I couldn't stop obsessing. I couldn't let it go. Eventually I destroyed the relationship. I am disgusted that I could ever behave in such a way. My parents raised me to be better than that.

 

Now I found out later it was not only insecurity that was the issue here. It was to avoid looking at my own problems, which were far bigger then a promiscuous past. My ex who was in therapy, told me that she was leaving me because I was emotional abusive. I looked at her and said I have no idea what that means. She then gives me an article about emotional abuse and I was holding back the tears reading it. I always thought of myself as the good guy, yet here I was putting this poor girl through emotional torture. I had no idea of the extent of the damage that I was doing to her and to the relationship as a whole.

 

Now do you think I will ever put a girl through that again? Not a fu&*&^ing chance. I needed to become self aware. I needed to examine my flaws. I needed to understand were my negative behaviours were coming from. I needed to 'change' (sorry Yas).

 

Do I think John is a maliciously bad person. I know he is not. He like me probably doesn't realize the extent of what he is doing. He is seeing things through only his eyes. He is the victim and you are the emotional back stabbing wife.

 

He is dealing with this in the only way he knows how. This is why we are calling him emotionally immature. I was Mr emotionally immature. Been there done that have the many tee shirts. I used to play the victim with all the righteous anger in the world to keep me company. I ended up sad, alone and miserable and John will too if he doesn't change. His eyes need to be opened and you make a good point about counselling being the opportunity for this to happen.

 

If you can get him there, that would be awesome and my stance on that hasn't changed. But right now his heart and mind are closed. I have stated this already. The plan hasn't changed. So just keep doing what you are doing. I still support you and always will. But Abse's point is very true. The marriage can still be saved, but it has to come from him. I spent months hoping my last ex would recognise her destructive behaviours. It never happened. John needs to somehow find the emotional maturity she never had or will have.

 

Because I see a bit of myself in John, I believe someday he will come to his senses and will get help. I did and I am sure he will. This is why (and I know you hate this) I talked about space. It's that time alone which might force him to look inwards. Right now he is not looking inwards. He is looking at his wife as the cause to all his problems..While he continues to do this he can't be part of a healthy relationship.

[Yasuandio]

Yas- i see what your saying but i disagree with Abs post. To tell someone they are being abused and then verbal abuse me kills any points hes making to me.

 

I just made the same exact points, except I provided specific examples. You have to accept it, if you consider the extensive literature and research on mental/emotional/verbal abuse.

 

I cant and wont allow someone to try to discourage me from trying to save MY marriage.

 

Facts about the cycle of abuse are not meant to discourage you, they are meant to educate you, so you can extridite yourself from the cycle that you are now participating in.

 

In a real sense we are ALL abusers by nature. So be it.

 

This is a typical rationalization that is given by abusers, abused, addicts, and enablers:

 

"Everyone has a drink after work, so it is ok for me to drink."

 

"I might as well keep smoking because the environment is going to mess my lungs up anyway."

 

"He didn't mean to give me a broken jaw, he just didn't realize how hard he hit me. It's not his fault, I am responsible for this - I made him mad in the first place. Otherwise, this would have never happened"

 

"But if I don't go and pick up his Candain Club, I'm afriad he will drive, and get pulled over." (My Mom)

 

"Everyone is an abuser by nature...so abuse is normal." (Jenny)

 

When in life you know better you do better. And believe me i am well aware just john staying with me and not divorcing isnt the point here.

 

Huh. 5 months? With your present reactionary attitude right now, young lady, you are not going to last 2 weeks before the cops are there. Mark my words.

 

Mack and i and you and Tojaz have all agreed counsiling is the hope.

 

That is a joke. Hell will freeze over before you get that guy to agree to counciling. And when you have to force someone into couciling, it is a waste of time. He needs only to do as Mack and Abes said, accept and forgive the idiotic behavior and forget it - never throw it in your face again. You do not need MC for those life basics.

 

Abs post pointed out what he thinks but has he read what the goal has been to try to save the marriage and get into counciling? Its not as if im just wanting to not divorce, I wanted that healthy marriage back.

 

Its quite frustrating when people post negative negative negative and all the time mack has put in along with others im sorry one long a$$ post by abs pointing out what he thinks are my flaws and etc isnt going to help me. Why come on to put someone down? Pointless to me and him/ her whatever calling me names isnt going to do it!

 

Abse did not call you names. He described you pretty accurately. You do not want to believe you are being emotionally abused, when clearly, you ar being emotionally abused. I know the word that upsets you the most. Hense the descriptor "delusional," defined as having false beliefs or opinions. You just refuse to see that you are being emotionally abused, period. And on top of it, you fly off the handle too, when it is firmly pointed out to you. Also, you get extremely defensive. That is why I can so easily make the prediction I did above. I hope to God you prove me wrong.

 

Im moving on if people on here dont wish to help then ok i thank them for their time thus far. If they still do great super yeah!

 

Honey, it is impossible for you to see what I'm saying and disagree with Abse's post at the same time. Now, please, pull yourself together, and do the homework I assigned you, so you can continue to grow. Take that post, line by line, and own it, even if you have to adjust a little, find a way to own it, find a way to agree, like Homer says. Apply wisdom, look for at least 10%-20% of what is right in each sentence. And then, try to comprehend why Mack and I might see a heck of a lot more "that is on the money" in the post. Me personally, 80%.

 

I know it is tough on the ego. But this is reality time. I know you can do it. What you said about fear yesterday demonstrated to me that you have the brains to handle this and to grow. But today's display regards Mr. Abse's post showed your immaturity. Now, let's get with the program, OK, Jenny? Yas

[Yasuandio]

After reading Mack's post regarding the counciling, I want to revise my opinion. I do still believe there is no way anyone is going to talk him into going, and if he is forced it will do no good.

 

At one point, Jenny posted some of John's anger issues as I recall. And this inability to let go of anger follows the same pattern. I believe IC is what John is in need of, not MC. Sadly, he will have to hit rock bottom, perhaps lose Jenny (maybe temporarly) before he accepts this fact.

 

If the man is a teacher in the schools, he likely has excellent medical coverage - there is no excuse not to take advantage of it. Some of Jenny's decriptions also point to signs of depression - which obviously contribute to a skewed perception.

 

As well, it is possible that being intwined in an abusive environment has caused Jenny some mental health symptom too, such as depression and anxiety. The quick temperedness, paranoia, fear, abandonment issues are even apparent even here on LS.

 

This is no offense to you Jenny. These are typical syptoms that arrise out of emotional abuse, (or alienation of affection, constant rejection, limbo, if you prefer). I think it is time for at least Jenny to visit the doctor. She has been under too much stress. Opinions?

[Mack05]

After reading Mack's post regarding the counciling, I want to revise my opinion. I do still believe there is no way anyone is going to talk him into going, and if he is forced it will do no good.

 

At one point, Jenny posted some of John's anger issues as I recall. And this inability to let go of anger follows the same pattern. I believe IC is what John is in need of, not MC. Sadly, he will have to hit rock bottom, perhaps lose Jenny (maybe temporarly) before he accepts this fact.

 

If the man is a teacher in the schools, he likely has excellent medical coverage - there is no excuse not to take advantage of it. Some of Jenny's decriptions also point to signs of depression - which obviously contribute to a skewed perception.

 

As well, it is possible that being intwined in an abusive environment has caused Jenny some mental health symptom too, such as depression and anxiety. The quick temperedness, paranoia, fear, abandonment issues are even apparent even here on LS.

 

This is no offense to you Jenny. These are typical syptoms that arrise out of emotional abuse, (or alienation of affection, constant rejection, limbo, if you prefer). I think it is time for at least Jenny to visit the doctor. She has been under too much stress. Opinions?

 

Not a single word I disagree with Yas..110% agree with every little thing you just said

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Honey, it is impossible for you to see what I'm saying and disagree with Abse's post at the same time. Now, please, pull yourself together, and do the homework I assigned you, so you can continue to grow. Take that post, line by line, and own it, even if you have to adjust a little, find a way to own it, find a way to agree, like Homer says. Apply wisdom, look for at least 10%-20% of what is right in each sentence. And then, try to comprehend why Mack and I might see a heck of a lot more "that is on the money" in the post. Me personally, 80%.

 

I know it is tough on the ego. But this is reality time. I know you can do it. What you said about fear yesterday demonstrated to me that you have the brains to handle this and to grow. But today's display regards Mr. Abse's post showed your immaturity. Now, let's get with the program, OK, Jenny? Yas

 

I am pulled together! I feel like nobody is going to be happy on this thread unless i say your all right and i am wrong! I never disputed john wasnt emotionally immature! He is and i am too. He is depressed at times I am too. John has issues with anger i said that! Im sorry but just because i dont like abs's post doesnt mean gang up on someone and keep kicking them till they see things your way. Thats what I feel is happening.

 

Do you think if im am depressed any of this is helping? Its not

[Mack05]

I am pulled together! I feel like nobody is going to be happy on this thread unless i say your all right and i am wrong! I never disputed john wasnt emotionally immature! He is and i am too. He is depressed at times I am too. John has issues with anger i said that! Im sorry but just because i dont like abs's post doesnt mean gang up on someone and keep kicking them till they see things your way. Thats what I feel is happening.

 

Do you think if im am depressed any of this is helping? Its not

 

Jen you are being way too defensive here. We give advice to help, not to ram it down your throat until you agree with us. Read imtoconfused's post above.

 

It really is up to you what advice you take on board or what advice you want to neglect.

[Yasuandio]

I strongly disagree with you. There is a big difference between emotional immaturity and emotional abuse. I sincerely believe the latter is the issue in your curcumstances.

 

Of course you are free to believe what you want to believe. Sometimes posts are helpful sometimes they are not. I am very, very sorry if my point of view was disturbing to you or hurt your feelings in any way. I only was trying my best to help you. Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I did read it! I agree with her! Of course im being defensive nobody will let it be! I will and have taken everything with a grain of salt but some of what is being said just sounds like its meant to be cruel and belittle me.

 

Walk in my shoes today....its not exactly fun to have people keep on you when clearly I came here for help. One post by someone suddenly everyone is on a triade. All because I dont see things how they think I should or how they feel IT IS. I treat you all with respect so when my opinion differs cant it just be left at that? Does it really need to be a all out convincing Jenny is wrong party?

 

So you all think im wrong and i dont see it and etc ok point heard! Now lets move on. If your all right then someday when im able to see it i will owe you an apology but you cant force your views down someones throat.

 

I cant force mine down johns all i can do is try and lord knows im trying. And maybe it wont work but damn if i wont try. If im an abused powerless wife with mental issues then that shall be my cross to bare but that can come only when i see it not by anyone telling me that.

 

Maybe for most here its easy to see my and johns faults but im still trying and i want to try to focus on positive good things not all the wrongs. If a reconciliation is in the cards then that will be tbe time to address all our issues together as a perfectly messed up couple

[Absewarrior]

Jenny:

Truth isn't abusive. If I was anywhere out of line, I am sure the Moderators will contact me, and as I have been a Moderator in many social forums over the years, I can assure you that my post was direct, but never abusive. I was trying to do you a solid, and not blow rainbows out of a unicorn's ass as you seem to want. My humble opinion is that you are in denial or you aren't being truthful about the events that preceded this silent treatment and request for divorce.

I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that you were telling the entire truth, yet as Mack has said -something just doesn't add up...something is off. The severity of his reaction does not correlate with the "mistake" you made by e-mailing a friend's ex and flirting on-line. only you can know that for sure, and so I won't belabor the point. I have never heard of silent treatment lasting this long...ever. The funny thing is that though you have hundreds of replies, no one said, "Hey, my H or W gave me the five, four, or three month silent treatment," and yet, you still pursued your H with a deperation I haven't heard of since Sherman's burning of Atlanta. In other words, your desperation makes me believe you cheated physically or emotionally and he knows it, or you are being emotionally abused and are in denial. Therein this is where I drew my conclusions.

I do not need to call people names. I am a mature and articulate human being who is quite capable of making my point without turning to immature antics. It is obvious that you only want opinions and posts that fuel your frenzied approach to further your drama, and are completely against anyone saying anything that does not correspopnd with your agenda which is to "save" a marriage that is not in your hands to save. I was trying to do you a kindness so you could regain your dignity and self-respect by saving your own integrity, but you are too immature to realise my intent so I will just have to hope that you at least will listen to the other posters here who have been so very kind to you.

I am obviously not welcome here, and will not say anything further on the subject. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that your words of anger and attack on my character and my intent is indicative of why you find yourself in the situation you are in. (And that is the first unkind thing I have said, though it is absolute truth.)

AW

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I strongly disagree with you. There is a big difference between emotional immaturity and emotional abuse. I sincerely believe the latter is the issue in your curcumstances.

 

Of course you are free to believe what you want to believe. Sometimes posts are helpful sometimes they are not. I am very, very sorry if my point of view was disturbing to you or hurt your feelings in any way. I only was trying my best to help you. Yas

 

When did i say there was a difference between the two?

 

I think i only wrote john was emotionally immature

[Mack05]

Jenny try to remember one thing. This thread has 483 replies and 7520 views. It has these stats for two reasons. One people have empathy for you, but more importantly people really like you. They want to see you not just happy tomorrow, but happy in 50 years time.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny try to remember one thing. This thread has 483 replies and 7520 views. It has these stats for two reasons. One people have empathy for you, but more importantly people really like you. They want to see you not just happy tomorrow, but happy in 50 years time.

 

I underdtand and am appreciate of that sincerly

[Yasuandio]

When did i say there was a difference between the two?

 

I think i only wrote john was emotionally immature

 

 

 

 

Why would you need to say it? Isn't it an obvious conclusion that there is a difference between emotional immaturity and emotional abuse?

 

You missed my point, like you seem to be missing many valid points today, with your current recalcitrance.

 

Edit: I am happy to see the positive response to Mack!

Edited March 5, 2013 by Yasuandio