Stubborn husband might leave me

[trippi1432]

Thats a good question! I suppose I am going to act as if the divorce is coming. I mean honestly I have nothing else to go by. He has said that is what will be. Though I do hope he'll change that and if he does I will happily encourage that choice as long as we can both deal with these issues that led us here.

 

Not much of a plan I guess but I have really done everything else I could do except move out and in my gut aside from all the reasons it would be difficult I just don't feel that is right. I think I am going to act like the 33 yearold woman I am and be respectful and kind but put myself first.

 

I do love John so much but I really don't feel there is anything left to do except love myself. I do like The homer approach but not 100% so I am using done of that.

 

Today John again spoke to me first and asked if I was sick too. I was in bed sleeping when he came home because I pulled a muscle in my back at work and I was in a lot of pain. I simply replied no Im not sick. He then commented that he wondered how upset parents at school would be since they closed school for a storm that didnt hit us! Then he told me about his day.

 

I think this is good but not getting hopes up. I smile and have been acting happy and its actually making me happy!! Lol

 

I actually dream of counseling! I want to go so bad!

 

Of all the things I have learned Jen, when faced in this type of situation, is that all the love you hold in your heart for someone else is the same love you deserve....so give that to yourself. You created that, you still have it and produced it and are worthy of it. It's yours...no one can take that from you.

 

A logical fallacy is that we can control another person's feelings or emotions. Simply, you control you...he controls him. The simple fact is, when you learn that, it's much better to have the love and forgiveness of another simply due to Free Will, that's the purest form of love.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Nicely put Trippi!

 

I'm hoping now that I am finally forgiving myself he will forgive me too.

[trippi1432]

Nicely put Trippi!

 

I'm hoping now that I am finally forgiving myself he will forgive me too.

 

Kudos!! That speaks volumes of how far you have come, grown and learned Jen. You are on the right path...the above in bold, is most important, whatever will be will fall in place as it is meant to. (((Hugs!)))

[tojaz]

Thats a good question! I suppose I am going to act as if the divorce is coming. I mean honestly I have nothing else to go by. He has said that is what will be. Though I do hope he'll change that and if he does I will happily encourage that choice as long as we can both deal with these issues that led us here.

 

Not much of a plan I guess but I have really done everything else I could do except move out and in my gut aside from all the reasons it would be difficult I just don't feel that is right. I think I am going to act like the 33 yearold woman I am and be respectful and kind but put myself first.

 

I do love John so much but I really don't feel there is anything left to do except love myself. I do like The homer approach but not 100% so I am using done of that.

 

Today John again spoke to me first and asked if I was sick too. I was in bed sleeping when he came home because I pulled a muscle in my back at work and I was in a lot of pain. I simply replied no Im not sick. He then commented that he wondered how upset parents at school would be since they closed school for a storm that didnt hit us! Then he told me about his day.

 

I think this is good but not getting hopes up. I smile and have been acting happy and its actually making me happy!! Lol

 

I actually dream of counseling! I want to go so bad!

 

 

Forgive me Jenny, but I can't remember if you had mentioned being in IC or not, with all the threads to follow, sometimes the details get muddled.

 

If your not, then I would suggest you go even if John is unwilling to join you. That may change in time. If your already going, then I would suggest you share some of what it has done for you with John (those topics are obviously at your discretion) and with some positive feedback from your own sessions, possibly encourage... not suggest, demand, poke, prod, try to force etc.... that John look into IC himself, he may feel more comfortable their then MC because the pressure of the marriage talk seems to be something he is trying to avoid.

 

I would also look out for him getting "stuck" where he just settles into an ambiguous place between staying and going. That's a hard and very delicate trap to get out of, and i fear he's heading in that direction. Even though you are trying to keep the peace and such, the fact that you are continuing to stand should always be present.

 

I have to say your doing great Jenny, keep the updates coming, it's nice to log in to see some positive posts for a change.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I am currently not in IC but I know I should be. I was but stopped going. No good reason I stopped other than I got lazy with it.

 

I am actually surprised I barely think as much as I was about John and I. Just last week I was obsessing over everything he did, every little tip of marriage advice I could find and going crazy.

 

The medicine, at least I think that its helping already, has calmed me down. I still get excitied when he makes the first conversation but I am aware too it could just be civil not meaning anything talk. I am starting to accept it for what it is, just conversation. Instead of trying to analyze it.

 

One thing I will acknowledge is I have a oppurtunity, possibly, that not many on here get. John has not filed, or left or anything yet and that is an oppurtunity. I have read a lot of stories on here and that rarely is ever the case. So as long as I have that there is a chance to me. I am going to make the best of it instead if squander it on nuttiness.

[Gunny376]

I've not posted too much to your thread. Simply because well? Were I John? I would have packed you bags and dropped your off at your Mother's house and told ya' to have a nice the rest of your life without me?

 

But that's me ~ and that's being "relative" ~ Me? I'm 56 years old. I just don't have the years left to throw away on trival pursuit.

 

What is relative? Well think about back in the day when you were in your teens and afternoon went by in a second with someone you were swooned and in love with ~ Puppy Love ~ Your First Love ~ if you were?

 

Then think of setting on a hot match, firecracker, or an ember ~ when a second seems like an freaking eternity! :eek: :eek:

 

That's relativity! :eek:

 

Per my readings about relationships, marriage, dating, ~ research and all?

 

I think you and John might have a chance. Why?

 

Per Eric Weber (Goggle him ~ he's one of the earlist PUM ~ Pick Up Artist ~ who wrote the book "How To Win Back The One You Love" (Don't waste your time buying the book) his central point was in JUST starting a dialog with one another.

 

That is to say just learn how to re-communicate and talk, and speak to one another.

 

Seems to me? You and he are doing that already. You've hurt him, and you've also did the worse thing that a man can do to a man! You've hurt him, you've made him mad, and you've hurt his pride ~ WOW ~ That's also the single worse thing a man can do to a woman?

 

Amazing how so much similar we men and women are a like.

 

John isn't going anywhere! He loves you! And if he didn't? He wouldn't be going! He happy azz would hav been gone!

 

You've just got to ride the storm out, work your way back into his heart and into his life. Your going to have to work for it, earn it, and truly deserve it! Your going to have to slave for it all day long ~ but most of all?

 

Your going to have to truly show him you want it! And that is to say ~ That you will forevermore forsake any and all others for him!

 

Hang in there Kitten! It can and will get better! And at the other end of the Hell and Damation, the trial, tribulatons, damnations of it all? You're going to be a better, stronger, better, as a individual, a person, a woman, a mother, a wife! These are trying times ~

 

Your metal is being tempted ~ but yet it is being tempered! From you Iron will become your steel. You are becomng the person, the individual, the woman, the mother, the "being" that were you and are yet to be.

 

Parts of you are freaking awesome!

 

The rest is a work in progress ~ you'v yet to reach nor realize your full potential!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Geez Gunny that was kind and insightful! Thanks so much for posting. John is a tough loyal, morale guy like I presume you to be as well.

 

I hope you are right! Many people have also raised tbe issue that if he didnt love me he would be gone already.

 

I really hope to earn his trust back and to become a better wife and person too.

 

Thanks again Gunny

[Absewarrior]

Jenny:

I liked what you wrote to Gunny... becoming the person that you know you are...the one who is trustworthy and loyal is exactly what will save your marriage. You have the tenacity and can do that. You are doing great. Just keep smiling and give him your best side. Reparation is doable. Chin up.

AW

[Gunny376]

Just keep reminding yourself Jenny?

 

"When you're going through Hell? Just make sure you keep on going until you get to the otherside!" ~ Winston Churchill

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I don't have a great post to add today. John and I haven't talked really. He came home when I was in shower and fell asleep. I guess everyday cant be progress but at least there was no arguing or negative.

 

I do wonder how he could be content w/o sex or any intimacy it has been months. I think for him the hurt he feels is what keeps him from intimacy. I think there are many many men that feel sex is just sex and wherever you get it is fine as long as you get it. But for John I think its a emotional connection desire. Since he is so hurt and angry still I just don't think be could do that.

 

I really hope he can come out of hiding soon. He works and comes home and just watches tv or sleeps. It couldn't be making him happy its certainly no life. Poor guy wish I knew what could help

[tojaz]

Not all us guys are sex crazed lunatics jenny... at least not all the time anyway. I'm sure its a lot harder on him then he lets on.

 

If he's back in a slump, don't be afraid to take some meaningless conversation to him, try being the one to ask him about his day, or seek him out and tell him about yours this time rather then waiting for him to come to you. Just keep it light friendly conversation with no strings attached.

 

It will let him know that the lines still go both ways and that it's not always going to end in marriage talk. The safer he feels, the more he will come out from behind his wall.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Thank Tojaz! I need those little tips as easy and as simple as they are. Gunny really gave me some hope that John still most likely cares but its hard to see that somedays especially when I think of the things hes not doing.

 

Trying to stay positive.

 

I worry a lot about how he sometimes just wont talk to me or look at me, no sex, no laughter, no calls, etc

 

But there is also ( to the best of my knowledge) no apt hunting, no lawyer, no missing money, no strange numbers called, no coming home late, no moving things out.

 

I just knew what it would take to help him open his heart back up to me. I know he has only closed it to keep from getting hurt and not because he doesnt love me.

[tojaz]

 

I just knew what it would take to help him open his heart back up to me. I know he has only closed it to keep from getting hurt and not because he doesnt love me.

 

Its going to take time and patience Jenny, you have plenty of one and your getting better at the other.

 

Like I said, don't be afraid to engage him if he's gone cold for awhile. It's a win/win. If he wants to talk then yay, if he doesn't and you back off and give him the space he needs , then he feels safer the next time it comes around.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Yeah I am getting better at patience!

 

Just still have that fear nothing I do can open his heart back up

[Gunny376]

Well now we're back to "Relavitity"

 

I've already given you one definition of such ~ and the hard thing about defining relativity? Well ~ its relative? What's true and absolute for one isn't true and absolute for another.

 

Men, women, dating, mating, relationships, mariage, individuals? They're all relative? They're all the same? Yet they're all different?

 

Im guessing your 20 ~ 30 something? Me? I'm 56! I've been walking around on the planet a couple of years more than you have?

 

I know PLENTY of couples ~ that just couldn't handle being married? But yet after they've gone through the whole divorce thing? Can live together just fine as wine and just dandy! :love: :love:

 

I know of couples that have been married and divorced FOUR OR FIVE TIMES!

 

I know of couples that get along best when they're fighting like cats and dogs each and everyday!

 

I know of couples where one was an alcoholic ~ and the other didn't drink, use mind alternating substances. But as soon as the substance abuser sobered up? The care-taker dumped them and found themselves another "Lost Soul" to take care of?

 

John isn't going anywhere!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Gunny that means a lot you think he isnt going anywhere! Do you have any other suggestions on how I can help him get through this? Or maybe things not to do!

[TobyBoy]

I feel you would benefit immensely from reading in the wayward forum in the Survivinginfidelity.com site. Try it out.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Thx Toby I'll check it out. Any specific post you recommend?

 

Gunny I love your confidence about John. I hope I will feel that sure but it's so hard with his assurance hes leaving and wants a divorce.

 

Today Im proud of myself for talking to him first. I made dinner and though we didnt eat together he did eat and thank me for dinner and he got seconds! Lol We talked a little tonight not about anything important. Just about some things going on with my suv (i was hit and now we are preparing for the repairs but are dealing with the other parties insurance) and about some repairs he needs to have done to his truck.

 

So not really anything that implies he cares or anything but I'm not creating drama. Im just going with the flow and giving him some space. I guess I'm hoping my giving him his space and being civil and kind will take the pressure off him and allow him to see me at my best and that will be enough to make him reconsider.

[TobyBoy]

Yes!

"Things that every WS needs to know" by Hufi-Pufi.

 

I believe it's in the 2nd page.

 

Read with an open mind....is all I ask.

 

Rooting for you,

-Toby

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Toby- I went and read it and though I didnt cheat I know john is definately a betrayed spouse. I do see his behaviors/emotions/health issues all seem to be common.

 

My one thing though is my husband has not given me a second chance per say. He tells me he cant get past this and he wants a divorce. Some other things though I try or have tried to be there for him its difficult when he doesnt want you there. He has turned down affection and has refused to go anywhere with me much less a walk. Thats where its hard. He isnt letting me in at all.

 

Its nice to know that some of what he is going through is normal I really hope we can get passed this!

[tojaz]

Today Im proud of myself for talking to him first. I made dinner and though we didnt eat together he did eat and thank me for dinner and he got seconds! Lol We talked a little tonight not about anything important. Just about some things going on with my suv (i was hit and now we are preparing for the repairs but are dealing with the other parties insurance) and about some repairs he needs to have done to his truck.

 

So not really anything that implies he cares or anything but I'm not creating drama. Im just going with the flow and giving him some space. I guess I'm hoping my giving him his space and being civil and kind will take the pressure off him and allow him to see me at my best and that will be enough to make him reconsider.

 

Things are going to improve slowly Jenny. The clouds don't part and the angels aren't going to sing etc. It doesn't work that way, but your a lot better off then you were a week ago. Quit worrying so much about what isn't there so you can see all that still is.

 

He cares Jenny, otherwise he would be gone, but he's not ready to shout it from the rooftops or even commit himself to it, that takes time and it takes him holding up his end as well. Give it time.

 

On a side note, guess who's in the body shop business when he's not on LS. If you have questions about dealing with the insurance company or the repairs, feel free.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Things are going to improve slowly Jenny. The clouds don't part and the angels aren't going to sing etc. It doesn't work that way, but your a lot better off then you were a week ago. Quit worrying so much about what isn't there so you can see all that still is.

 

He cares Jenny, otherwise he would be gone, but he's not ready to shout it from the rooftops or even commit himself to it, that takes time and it takes him holding up his end as well. Give it time.

 

On a side note, guess who's in the body shop business when he's not on LS. If you have questions about dealing with the insurance company or the repairs, feel free.

 

TOJAZ

 

Lol really do you paint cars? Heres my issue! I was hit by a lady on the passanger side door. Didnt seem like much damage but ended up being $1900 worth as the whole door needs replaced because crash rod or something was broke. Anywho I had a crinkled fender already due to my own carelessness. When having estimate for door they explained they had to paint the fender aling with most of the side to blend the paint on door.

 

They said they would normally paint fender but since it was damgaged it wouldnt make sense to paint it. I told them john would be replacing the fender and the guy said that be great if we did it prior cause then theyd paint it and it would be included since they were to paint that area anyway.

 

Well John got a primered fender and now place is saying tgats fine BUT i have to pay for edging now to paint it properly. Johntold me to ask why if they had to paint the fender already wouldnt edging of been apart of that too?

 

 

Lmao off topic but hey you offered

[trippi1432]

Lol really do you paint cars? Heres my issue! I was hit by a lady on the passanger side door. Didnt seem like much damage but ended up being $1900 worth as the whole door needs replaced because crash rod or something was broke. Anywho I had a crinkled fender already due to my own carelessness. When having estimate for door they explained they had to paint the fender aling with most of the side to blend the paint on door.

 

They said they would normally paint fender but since it was damgaged it wouldnt make sense to paint it. I told them john would be replacing the fender and the guy said that be great if we did it prior cause then theyd paint it and it would be included since they were to paint that area anyway.

 

Well John got a primered fender and now place is saying tgats fine BUT i have to pay for edging now to paint it properly. Johntold me to ask why if they had to paint the fender already wouldnt edging of been apart of that too?

 

 

Lmao off topic but hey you offered

 

Sorry, had to laugh....been two years and I still have a huge John

Deere green streak and $1000 worth of damage to my car. I think you would have to take the journey to Indiana to have it fixed..

 

Been telling Tojaz he needs to come to warmer states to fix my car.

[tojaz]

Lol really do you paint cars?

As a matter of fact, i do.

 

Heres my issue! I was hit by a lady on the passanger side door. Didnt seem like much damage but ended up being $1900 worth as the whole door needs replaced because crash rod or something was broke. Anywho I had a crinkled fender already due to my own carelessness. When having estimate for door they explained they had to paint the fender aling with most of the side to blend the paint on door.

 

They said they would normally paint fender but since it was damgaged it wouldnt make sense to paint it. I told them john would be replacing the fender and the guy said that be great if we did it prior cause then theyd paint it and it would be included since they were to paint that area anyway.

 

Well John got a primered fender and now place is saying tgats fine BUT i have to pay for edging now to paint it properly. Johntold me to ask why if they had to paint the fender already wouldnt edging of been apart of that too?

 

 

Lmao off topic but hey you offered

 

Yeah it is off topic and if you were established, i would prefer PM, but I don't think anyone will mind just this once...

 

Sounds right. In order to make a proper color match they will have to blend both ways from the new panel. Insurance companies include that in their sheet but they don't pay them the same as if they were painting the entire panel, usually half or even less depending on the insurance company, so if they are offering to paint the whole fender for you, then they are actually doing you a pretty nice favor since the difference between blend time and full refinish can be upwards of $80 labor.

 

If John installs the fender before you take it to them, they will paint the outside, but the inside, under the hood and where it meets the door etc will not be painted in the same operation so they would either have to paint it first before the door is installed (probably at the same time they edge the door) or have to mask the outside in order to spray the inside. It's an additional operation which is why they wan't to charge you for it.

 

The cost shouldn't be much, a typical labor hour figure for edging is around .5, using my shop as an example, our door rate is $48 an hour so the additional for you would only be $24, maybe a little more because it will already be installed on the car. Since an average fender would pay the painter around 2.5 or $120 and blend time is usually between .8 and 1.1 $38.40 and $52.80 your still coming out ahead of the game, especially because if you went back later for the fender they would also have to charge you to blend the door etc. As long as what they are charging you for edging is reasonable (anything over an hour labor is too much) I would say what they are doing for you is more then fair.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Sorry, had to laugh....been two years and I still have a huge John

Deere green streak and $1000 worth of damage to my car. I think you would have to take the journey to Indiana to have it fixed..

 

Been telling Tojaz he needs to come to warmer states to fix my car.

 

:rolleyes: Yeah, I hear those pesky mailboxes sneak up on lots of people down south.