Stubborn husband might leave me

[trippi1432]

:rolleyes: Yeah, I hear those pesky mailboxes sneak up on lots of people down south.

 

:lmao: I don't think I've ever had a John Deere experience like that before.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Sorry I should of pm'd you!

 

Thank you for the info! They said $179.98

 

So anyway.... My apologies for going Ot.

Last night John did tell me what hed be doing (some places hed be going) today but when I heard him leave without telling me a thing it bothered me. And the old thoughts crept in. What if...could he....

 

Im going to attempt to put it out of my mind and instead focus on calm.

 

This gets easier right?

 

Is it normal for me to doubt myself? I feel like I should be doing more to save this marriage.

[Gunny376]

Yes its normal, the idle mind ~ idle hands are the Devil's playground. You'll drive yourself crazy if you give 'leave" to such wondering and wandering thoughts!

 

Your doing fine, just don't get stupid on me here! Just keep on doing what your doing. The day-to-day, ahhhummm day-to-day things. Jusy be resolute, convicted, determined to stay the course.

 

Men aren't women ~ and women aren't men. Our brains are wired differently. Literally! He's withdrawn from you and is "caving" (Read "Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus")

 

Mentally, emotionally, pscyhologically? He's on the "back forty of tha' ranch with just an old trusty dog, a 55 gallon fire, drinking whiskey and spittin whiskey in the fire!

 

He's thinking, mulling things over, disecting, picking up bones, processing, re-booting, re-configuring, improvising, adapting and over-coming!

 

Leave him alone and give him his time and space to do such.

[trippi1432]

Is it normal for me to doubt myself? I feel like I should be doing more to save this marriage.

 

It's normal, and I agree with Gunny. Think of it like reading a book....both of you have to be on the same page to really understand the story and for things to flow smoothly.

 

The problem with thinking you need to do more to save the marriage is that you might skip to the end of the book and totally miss some of the plot or the things that really matter to the ending.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Thx Gunny and Trippi!

 

Being patient is hard but the reward of having my martiage survive is sweet and worth it. Therefore I will keep on keeping on and acting like a mature woman!

[tojaz]

Sorry I should of pm'd you!

 

Thank you for the info! They said $179.98

 

Well, unless things have changed, you won't have access to PM for a bit yet, no worries.

 

That price seems high if their saying their doing you a favor and is absolutely insane if they claim it's just for edging. Since your paying out of pocket, there should be room to haggle. Show them you know what you are talking about and ask for book time for the fender minus what the insurance company paid to blend, then ask them what estimating system they use. That should get them back on the straight and narrow. If not, shop around, even though the insurance company likely suggested a shop, you have the right to choose any facility you like.

 

Is it normal for me to doubt myself? I feel like I should be doing more to save this marriage.

 

If you want to do more Jenny, then work on the part that you do have influence over.... yourself. Work on getting back into IC and do what you can to educate yourself so that when real opportunities do arise you will be ready, otherwise let it ride for now. Time will be working for you for as long as he isn't pushing the issue.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

John and I talked very little yesterday. In fact I feel like if I hadnt talk to him he would not talk at all. I feel like that a lot and it worries me. It makes me feel like he would prefer to not talk.

 

I asked him how he made out with his truck issues and he told me not good and told me all the places he went trying to solve the issue. I didnt ask where he went but ofcourse I had wondered so I was glad when he offered it up.

 

This Am he leaves again early no idea where he is going all I know is hes wearing his working on the car clothes which means hes not dressed for fun. So that puts my mind at ease.

 

I really worry that though I'm bettering me and considering his feelings before I speak that he wont give any and we will still be in this situation in May. I suppose time will tell.

 

He just doesnt seem to have any interest in giving right now or having a relationship with me at all

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He also withdrawl $100 from bank this Am after he left so I'm concerned not cause of amount or anything, thats not a big deal just cause he doesnt usually do that and I am wondering what hes buying with it.

 

We aren't cash people. We just use bank card and never carry cash unless we know we are going to a event or somewhere they only take cash.

[Gunny376]

I asked him how he made out with his truck issues and he told me not good and told me all the places he went trying to solve the issue. I didnt ask where he went but ofcourse I had wondered so I was glad when he offered it up

 

Duh! I can drop a $100 or more at AutoZone just pulling into the parking lot with a new car just off of the car lot!

 

I have issues, Mrs Gunny has issues! WE ALL HAVE ISSUES!

 

You've got a dialog going, your talking, your talking about the dog ****ting on the carpet, the truck, his truck, your communicating about this, that and the other ~ other things will come ~other issues will prevail and present themseleves! Per Eric Weber's book "How To Win Back the One You Love"

 

Just start a diolog ~ just start a converation ~ just reconnect ~ just re-boot your hardrive Jenny!

[Gunny376]

Gunny I love your confidence about John. I hope I will feel that sure but it's so hard with his assurance hes leaving and wants a divorce.

 

As a Father? I would gladly and with pride climb and be nailed upon a cross to prevent any pain and suffering asmy child!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Duh! I can drop a $100 or more at AutoZone just pulling into the parking lot with a new car just off of the car lot!

 

I have issues, Mrs Gunny has issues! WE ALL HAVE ISSUES!

 

You've got a dialog going, your talking, your talking about the dog ****ting on the carpet, the truck, his truck, your communicating about this, that and the other ~ other things will come ~other issues will prevail and present themseleves! Per Eric Weber's book "How To Win Back the One You Love"

 

Just start a diolog ~ just start a converation ~ just reconnect ~ just re-boot your hardrive Jenny!

 

 

I realize $100 is no big deal in car repairs but he just never takes cash out that is the odd thing.

 

I think if it wasnt for him wearing his crummy clothes I would be really worried. Im just a tad worried well more like anxious.

 

I'm sure by the end of the day I will have an answer that will make perfect sense and all the worry will be put to bed. I gotta say my anxiousness is pushing me hard to text him and ask him why he took money out but I'm not giving in to it.

 

The way I feel not trusting John, who has been nothing but faithful, is awful. But it gives me insight on how he must feel towards me. This is why Im not texting him and asking him. If i want trust I have got to give trust. This is hard!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

John came home. He went to a place about 65 miles away to check out a truck that is being parted out that he was hoping to get some parts off. They only take cash he said. I asked nothing he came home and told me.

 

Just glad I kept my cool even though on here I was anxious. Biting the bullet is getting easier.

[tojaz]

I realize $100 is no big deal in car repairs but he just never takes cash out that is the odd thing.

 

I think if it wasnt for him wearing his crummy clothes I would be really worried. Im just a tad worried well more like anxious.

 

I'm sure by the end of the day I will have an answer that will make perfect sense and all the worry will be put to bed. I gotta say my anxiousness is pushing me hard to text him and ask him why he took money out but I'm not giving in to it.

 

The way I feel not trusting John, who has been nothing but faithful, is awful. But it gives me insight on how he must feel towards me. This is why Im not texting him and asking him. If i want trust I have got to give trust. This is hard!

 

It is difficult Jenny, it's incredibly difficult in fact. So is all the wondering and the waiting and being in an ambiguous situation.

 

It's important to keep that under control, not just outwardly towards him, but for yourself as well. When in a stressful situation, many people are worst case scenario kind of folks by default, but too much of that can become very hard to bear.

 

As a matter of fact thats on the top of my "If I had it to do over" list. If you can find a little peace for yourself, interacting with him will be a breeze.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He was very talkative when he got home but fizzled out quick. Sometimes when I talk to him I feel like hes annoyed I'm talking. When I come in the house he doesnt even look at me and these are the things I deal with that seem to back up his I am moving out/divorcing you position.

 

Sure he is civil but nothing more.

 

The odd thing about me is I handle stress so well. All but this that is. This situation is the only situation in my life I have let bring me to such sadness and despair. That is what I am working on.

 

I have a few questions for the experts here

 

1) should I wear my ring? He does not! I took my mine off when his cop buddies came over and he said he said he felt there was no love left.

2) when he comes and goes he tells me nothing! Should I do the same? It feels dumb to tell him I am going here or there when he doesn't. I feel like Im talking to someone who could careless

[trippi1432]

He was very talkative when he got home but fizzled out quick. Sometimes when I talk to him I feel like hes annoyed I'm talking. When I come in the house he doesnt even look at me and these are the things I deal with that seem to back up his I am moving out/divorcing you position.

 

Sure he is civil but nothing more.

 

The odd thing about me is I handle stress so well. All but this that is. This situation is the only situation in my life I have let bring me to such sadness and despair. That is what I am working on.

 

If you had to break it down in comparison to before, you really do have to look at all this as both of you being on a roller coaster of emotions. It is the situation in both your lives right now. I know that's not an answer, but it is what will be for now until you are both on the same page again.

 

I have a few questions for the experts here

 

1) should I wear my ring? He does not! I took my mine off when his cop buddies came over and he said he said he felt there was no love left.

2) when he comes and goes he tells me nothing! Should I do the same? It feels dumb to tell him I am going here or there when he doesn't. I feel like Im talking to someone who could careless

 

On #1 - I realize you took it off in the heat of the moment over what he said, understandable as it was deflating to hear; however, I would say leave it for now and not make a big deal of it. (Leave it is not a typo, just to emphasize, I do mean leave the thought of it for now, do not obsess over it.)

 

On #2 - This goes back to consistency....be consistent. What did you do before the situation? Keep doing it. The only real thing that has changed here is that John is wrestling with his feelings, you control your reactions to John's dilemma. Negative and Negative do not work well together.

 

Remember a few posts ago, you were working on forgiveness for yourself. IC will help with this too.

Edited March 11, 2013 by trippi1432
Additional

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Trippi-

 

Before We both always told each other where we going but he doesnt do that now so I followed suit.

 

What a mess huh?

[tojaz]

1) should I wear my ring? He does not! I took my mine off when his cop buddies came over and he said he said he felt there was no love left.

If you want to wear it, then wear it.

 

 

2) when he comes and goes he tells me nothing! Should I do the same? It feels dumb to tell him I am going here or there when he doesn't. I feel like Im talking to someone who could careless

 

if you want him to know where your going, tell him.

 

Jenny, those are simple answers for what your thinking is a complicated question, it's not. Your thinking to deep into this and trying to cover any and all eventualities. You can't and if your trying so hard to analyze every minute detail then your going to burn yourself out... and fast.

 

When it was time for me to answer #1 for myself, I decided that just because she wasn't wearing hers, it didn't change what the ring meant for me, so i wore it until i was officially not married anymore. That decision had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me.

 

#2 is just courtesy, treat people the way you hope to be treated still applies even if they don't return the favor. Flip side to that is that most people learn by example.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Jen - that's two opinions on the ring, but I'm going to agree with Tojaz on you do it for YOU.

 

It's not for show for him, if he questions it do not argue with him, do not be defensive, do not get angry or self-righteous and say you are standing for your marriage. Simply put, it's a material thing that symbolizes a union...so is a marriage certificate. Material things don't need nurturing in a relationship, it's the people and the vows that need the nurturing. So net/net, do it for you with no expectations.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I'm not sure what I want to do. I'm torn! One way I want to wear it and then I feel like a dummy if I do knowing he SAYS he wants out.

 

I guess its just difficult. I feel like I want to act "as if" things are fine yet be prepared for the worse!

 

I love that Gunny feels like he wont go anywhere but I'm just not sure. It's hard playing wait and see but I'm acting kindly to him not criticizing, arguing or pushing and I'm giving him space. Thus far this is completely different than I have done. I do find some of Homers McDonalds advice agreeable but Im only using what I feel is relevant!

 

Uhh a year from now I can only inagine where I will be. Hopefully settled and happy

[TobyBoy]

Put your rings back on and always be accountable for time spent away from your husband! These are small steps to gaining back trust and respect!

[Yasuandio]

Hon, taking off ring is considered a "Last Resort" technique in Divorce Busters. Even I don't think you are not at the last resort yet. Once you remove the ring - it sends a strong message - that you have given up on your marriage vows. That is, indeed, a Homer message as well.

 

But I think you new advisory team wants you to hold off on sending such messages. With the hope that John just took his ring off just in anger, and is being stubborn. That is possible. Good Luck, Sweetheart, Yas

[trippi1432]

It does send a strong message, yes. Outside of Homer or DivorceBuster's, my view in either case it is a strong emotional response and really shouldn't be done in the first place. Putting it back on should be for you and not for soliciting a strong emotional response again in my opinion.

 

I would have to go back over 3 years in my thread, but I think I kept mine on until my exH finally decided to move in with his AP (I didn't know much about her at the time). My biggest reason for keeping it on was because he would pawn it for gambling money, which he did in the end and complained he lost the money. <insert rolling eyes here>

 

But.....no tit for tat anymore Jen. Tell him where you are going it you want to. He's holding back, he's the one with the current issue, just be the person you have always been.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ty All! :-)

 

I only took it iff cause I was hurt! He still has his off but lets face it he hasnt been making good decisions and is every way confused so I can understand his choice plus I haven't exactly given him space up till recently

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Today was hard for me! John came home late because he was hunting some part yet he came home empty handed and it just made me wonder!

 

If he was really where he said. When he came in the door he immediately told me he struck out and yada yada about the cost and wasting more gas and I might be just highly suspicious but I'm not sure I bought it. He also asked if I had a weird number call me? I said no why and he said some number from Louisiana called and left him a voicemail about alarms. He said he looked it up and it was tagged on a few sites as a telemarketer number. That seemed odd too.

 

He hasn't exhibiting cheating ever or even made me think that till our troubles. Am I just hyper sensitive? I feel like I am but maybe not.

 

Anyway I just smiled and listened to his story no b**chy behavior or comments or negative looks. I kept cool and calm and just listened. When he told me about the phone call I just said oh I hate those calls. I never let on how it bugged me.

[Mack05]

Jenny, I know I said I wouldn't post on your thread anymore but I need to say this cause I care about you.

 

Right now the whole relationship is rudderless. If you keep going the way you are going all I see is big disappointment. You are hoping if you behave and act positive he will change his mind, but what inclination has he given you that this could be the case? I think in his head he is just going to go through the motions until the lease is up. At some stage you will probably lose your cool cause things didn't work out the way you wanted/hoped and the whole situation gets even worse. A lot worse.....

 

Your current mindset has to change. Every time he leaves the house you get it into your head that he could be cheating. This thought process is so negative and detrimental. For your own sake it has to stop. You want to save your marriage, but don't fully trust or believe in your husband? Think about it.

 

It doesn't matter what label I/We use for the treatment of your husband to you. The bottom line is, neither of you can be in a healthy relationship right now the way things currently are. That is the harsh reality and while you stay in this 'unrealistic' positive zone, the more and more that you are going to get let down and hurt in the future.

 

If you want my advice, this is what I would do. I would keep doing what you are doing but I would start mentally preparing myself for his departure and what my plan of action will be after he leaves. Also, you have to stop the obsessing about his cheating. The mind is a powerful tool. If used wrongly it can be very detrimental and right now with you, it's been used wrongly.

 

Despite what Gunny/Tojaz/Trippi believe I am quite sure he is going when the lease is up. Before he leaves, I would give him the letter I wrote a few pages back. I don't believe the marriage is over if/when he leaves. In fact I believe the only way the relationship can get back on track and eventually prosper is with space and self improvement/reflection by both parties.

 

The way things are right now Jenny you are heading straight for a train crash.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Mack05