Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I know Im driving myself crazy! I have a few good days where I get busy and dont dwell on it then I have these last couple feeling sick with a cold and missing work today and all Ive done all day is think think think and the more I do the more I feel awful.

 

Believe it or not I am preparing myself for worst case scenario. Im planning on staying in apt, taking more hours at work and Im going to start putting some money aside. I have been using some of our money and paying a little extra on bills which gives me a credit on the account. Which will put me ahead.

 

Emotionally Ive tried convincing myself hes gone already but its hard. I think to he will leave but unlike you I think if he goes hes gone for good. Hes not the type to come back on bended knee. I think his mind is made up.

 

Im just waiting on tbe ticking clock. And who knows maybe these times hes gone hea opening up bank accounts or looking for places.

[Mack05]

Time apart alone Jenny, with that letter (which I think is crucial) IMO is the best way for him to see sense. Being on your own in your 30's can be a HUGE wakeup call..If he returns, I don't think it would be a case of bended knee. More like, I needed space to work through things, lets talk. This could take plenty of time, or maybe you are right and that is that. I still feel strongly it's your best shot for long term happiness together.

 

If he stays I can't see how the relationship can be healthy, especially the way he deals with things..That is the key point for me. If he doesn't come to his senses on his own the marriage is effectively over. You can't club him across the head and drag him to counselling.

 

I know you desperately want him back, but no man should emotionally shut out his wife the way he has done to you for that amount of time (you forgive or you leave, you don't leave your wife in emotional limbo for over half a year). There is simply no excuse for this. You feel so guilty for your mistake(s) and you are so desperate to save the marriage, that you can't see this point.

 

The onus is on you too btw. You need to bring something new to the table cause right now all you are doing is 'acting'. It's not real or genuine and if it's not real or genuine your husband will see right through it. The flying off the handle (I'm not convinced that this is under control), the obsessing of what he might be doing, this needs to end. Period....no more excuses. It's not constructive and its not in anyway helpful.

 

I can't see how the self improvement that you need to do, can be achieved under this type of circumstances.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Im not trying to convince anyone my flying off the handle is over. All i can do is take it one day at a time and I cant just change overnight.

[Mack05]

Im not trying to convince anyone my flying off the handle is over. All i can do is take it one day at a time and I cant just change overnight.

 

I agree you can't change overnight, but you can in the meantime 'watch the thinker' (google). Being positive is great, but it would work so much better if your actions were more or less matching your thoughts. This is how real emotional maturity is reached.

 

By acting one way and by thinking in another, I don't see how that helps..If you are going to be positive, be genuinely positive in every way. Otherwise, I don't the the point in the exercise and John will see right through it..

 

Anyway I just wanted to make my point. Whether u agree or not is up to you.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Mack05

[trippi1432]

Pardon me Mack05, before you infer to know my intentions on Jen's thread and tell ME what my belief is about what her husband is going to do, you should really ask instead of making wide assumptions. Assumptions do get you in trouble.

 

And since that is a good segue into the current situation...assumptions. It's a little hard to take Jen's thoughts here that she puts on this thread and assume that we know her actions, her body language, her facial expressions as she interacts with her husband. These thoughts in her head are brought here, they are shared as thoughts on a forum, her fears of the current situation. Her choice is to act on them or not act on them. Her choice is to let them feed anxiousness and this is what she has stated that she is trying to control.

 

In my opinion Jen, you have given up your power when you start to look for something that may not even be there. You are looking for a reason to have this over and done with by trying to catch him in an affair. Actually, this is pretty normal in the crutch of things; however, it will nail the marriage coffin shut fairly quickly as you will either push him to an affair or make yourself crazy looking for the skeleton in the closet. (I can't tell you how many stories on LS get to this point and I even did it myself when my marriage was ending....my exH left for 3 weeks, met his affair partner during that time, came back and tried to make it work for a month and I became "crazy lady"...instincts were right that time. His leaving and coming back gave him opportunity). That was just my particular situation, does not mean it's everyone's experience. I acted on advice given by DivorceBuster's coaches to get husband back home as they state a marriage is harder to work on if one of the spouse's are not present.

 

It's time to take back your power Jen, in that, you need to care less about what John does and care more about what Jen does. Don't hold back the person you were before the situation happened....be who you have always been....a loving and caring wife. Don't roll over, but don't become a shrew wanting it your way. As I have said from the beginning, nothing is going to happen until you are both on the same page. You can't lead John there by the nose nor can you control what John does. You can only control you. In the end of it all, you will be a stronger person for it despite what John decides to do.

[Mack05]

No pardon me Trippi, but where in this sentence have I assumed?

 

Despite what Gunny/Tojaz/Trippi believe I am quite sure he is going when the lease is up.

 

I am not sure what you, Tojaz or Gunny believe. Maybe you think he will stay, maybe Tojaz thinks he goes. I'm not sure. Therefore there is no assumption there. All I did was state what I believe. My only error was maybe I should have put a ? after 'believe' or a 'Not sure'instead of 'Despite'.

 

However, why don't you try getting your facts straight before you try go high and mighty on me..The only person that actually 'assumed' here was you...

Edited March 12, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

John and I talked last night after I read Macks post. It wasnt fighting but I know everyone wont agree with this but I just told him how his actions make me feel and how the not telling me where he is going upsets me and I also told him maybe it would be better if he leaves. Thats not what I want by Im going crazy here. I told him I only feel that way because he is clearly not happy either and Im expecting to much like ring wearing, MC, etc. i told him i do feel disrespecting though i know why he is hurt and angry however i dont feel i deserve the treatment im getting and i cant take it anymore.

 

It was not a fight at all. Very adult! He said he wants out of his lease obligation and I told him I could do that for him. Then he saidhe doesnt understand what hes doing to make me think hes disrespecting him. I explained and he said would it make you feel better if i came and told you my comings and goings? He changed the subject then sighted how he tried to get my imput on his car repairs because of the cost and i never said anything! Wtf??? What does that have to do with anything he changed the subject just to get offthe subject of leaving. I told him i was tired and we can talk more later.

 

He really annoys me lately!!

[Mack05]

Jenny my advice to you last night was to keep doing what you are doing. Nowhere in my posts did I say confront him? My advice clearly stated to keep it positive both in thoughts and in actions. To plan your next move before and after he leaves. To eventually give him the letter and hope time and space helps him come to his senses.

 

I have stated many times, that he has needed to be far more decisive as to what he wants and that he was not being fair to you throughout this ordeal. Six months is way to long. I still don't think confronting him last night was the way to go. Try view things from his eyes. Lately he see's his wife fly off the handle, leave without an explanation, come back and be all nice and then confront him about being disrespectful.

 

I don't think he is under any obligation to tell you where he comes and goes. I agree with him, in that I don't think he is disrespecting you by keeping his movements to himself. I think this is just his way of detaching. He is in victim mode. He feels that he is 100% right and you are in the wrong. By confronting him like this you are just alienating him more. That is why I (and others it seems) wanted you to keep it positive. To let him slowly come out of his shell. Going after that shell with a sledgehammer was never the way to go. Right now he is thinking she did all the wrong and now she wants to kick me out.

 

The only way he is going to come to his senses (he may never) is with space, patience and time. He is not going to come to his senses by seeing this erratic behaviour from his wife. This will just push him further away and justify the decision to leave in his head. Right now you are self destructing. Reacting without thinking. Over analyzing his actions. None of this is helping you.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Mack05

[trippi1432]

Actually Mack, you did tell her yesterday the onus was on her to do something different....well, she did. She had an adult conversation with her husband and is trying to come to terms with what he feels he wants. If she did it the way she said she did, she was assertive. That's why no one was out of control. You do see that right Jen?

 

Semantics Mack...."despite what everyone else believes, I believe" therefore I (ego) must be right and everyone else must be wrong. Very Authoritarian.

 

My apologies, there I go being all "high and mighty" again.

 

Jen, fallback and re-group Hun. I understand where you are trying to get to and it was a noble attempt, but both need to have the active listening hats on at the same time.

[Mack05]

Actually Mack, you did tell her yesterday the onus was on her to do something different....well, she did. She had an adult conversation with her husband and is trying to come to terms with what he feels he wants. If she did it the way she said she did, she was assertive. That's why no one was out of control. You do see that right Jen?

 

Semantics Mack...."despite what everyone else believes, I believe" therefore I (ego) must be right and everyone else must be wrong. Very Authoritarian.

 

My apologies, there I go being all "high and mighty" again.

 

Jen, fallback and re-group Hun. I understand where you are trying to get to and it was a noble attempt, but both need to have the active listening hats on at the same time.

 

I am not going back and forth you Trippi. You can't a cup that is already full. Not sure how you being a smart ass helps Jenny, but I am above your kind of petty behaviour/comments.

 

I did ask her to do something different, but that was certainly not it.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Trippi your right there was no fighting it was a calm conversation no tears or nasty words. In that I am much more controlled then I have been. Maybe Im accepting what might be now more.

 

I agree mack he is detaching!

After I read your post I felt like you were right about somethings in that he should forgive or leave. Not sure why he doesnt. He just says when the Apt lease is up.

 

It hurts like hell but I dont think anything he is doing is helping either. Im starting to get mad at him.

[trippi1432]

And now I am a smartass because I asked you not to make assumptions about me when you include your stating your case. I'm also high and mighty and now I am petty. Hmmm, have you always been this verbally abusive?

 

I don't think anywhere I have called you names Mack. Tsk tsk

[trippi1432]

Trippi your right there was no fighting it was a calm conversation no tears or nasty words. In that I am much more controlled then I have been. Maybe Im accepting what might be now more.

 

I agree mack he is detaching!

After I read your post I felt like you were right about somethings in that he should forgive or leave. Not sure why he doesnt. He just says when the Apt lease is up.

 

It hurts like hell but I dont think anything he is doing is helping either. Im starting to get mad at him.

 

This is where I feel you need to just regroup for a bit Jen. I see that you were trying to apply a little Homer technique there with agreement, but inflected some "walk in my shoes" feeling into it. Take a breather and gets some more weigh in before acting. This is your life Hun, think...weigh the options...then act from what you know about John....not what we here think we know about John.

[Mack05]

And now I am a smartass because I asked you not to make assumptions about me when you include your stating your case. I'm also high and mighty and now I am petty. Hmmm, have you always been this verbally abusive?

 

I don't think anywhere I have called you names Mack. Tsk tsk

 

Verbally abusive... Ok Trippi you win. I sincerely apologise for my savage verbal abuse that I have dished out to you..

[trippi1432]

Verbally abusive... Ok Trippi you win. I sincerely apologise for my savage verbal abuse that I have dished out to you..

 

Thank you, apology accepted.

[Mack05]

Trippi your right there was no fighting it was a calm conversation no tears or nasty words. In that I am much more controlled then I have been. Maybe Im accepting what might be now more.

 

I agree mack he is detaching!

After I read your post I felt like you were right about somethings in that he should forgive or leave. Not sure why he doesnt. He just says when the Apt lease is up.

 

It hurts like hell but I dont think anything he is doing is helping either. Im starting to get mad at him.

 

That's the thing Jenny. I wouldn't have an issue with John if after a one or two months he put you our of your misery by either agreeing to leave or forgiving and working with you on a way forward.

 

This hiding behind the lease nonsense is complete bogus. This has been 6 months of emotional hell for you and I will say it again and again, the punishment far outweighs the crime...1) I don't feel that this should be relationship ending (I know that can be debated) 2) Its the length of time this has been going on for.

 

If I were you I'd me mad too! His attitude sucks IMO! "Poor me, what did I do wrong. I don't deserve this". By his behaviour, by punishing you for six months he has done far damage to your marriage then you ever did. Now I'm pretty sure he had no idea of the real damage that he was doing. Probably because he was too busy feeling sorry for himself. His lack of overall emotional maturity and forgiveness is the main reason this marriage could end IMO.

 

If I were you I would have made the same mistakes, but this is what happens when are forced to walk on eggshells. This is the reason Jenny I left the thread. I no longer feel it's up to you to make the running and do everything to get you back. I believe (and this may hurt) with his current attitude you are better off without him.

 

Now I would still send the letter. It would need re-writting but that would be my last effort. After that it's really up to him.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

This is where I feel you need to just regroup for a bit Jen. I see that you were trying to apply a little Homer technique there with agreement, but inflected some "walk in my shoes" feeling into it. Take a breather and gets some more weigh in before acting. This is your life Hun, think...weigh the options...then act from what you know about John....not what we here think we know about John.

 

I am going to take a few days to think before I act. Only problem with John is hes nothing like he was and I don't really know this John.

 

In someways I feel like why take the bandaid off slow just rip it off and get it over with. I would rather hear him say I am confused and dont know what I want then tell me he wants a divorce and stay for another 2 mths. Confused I can work with

[Oberfeldwebel]

Jenny, I think he has been honest with you and he intends to separate and had set his timeline. I also think that if he has no intention of even trying reconciliation that you are entitled to move forward with your life. Your action, while wrong, is not a die on the sword issue. If he is so unable to forgive you for this action, you may be better off moving on without him. It is going to be difficult, but you will survive, stronger and ready for what lies ahead.

[tojaz]

Sorry for the late response Jenny, have been spending some time with my nephews and that atmosphere isn't really conducive to thinking about these things.

 

Its been fun watching two people bicker back and forth on the subject of emotional maturity, and since my name was mentioned I figured I would just lay out what it is that I believe. I believe that it is a waste of my time to try and guess what John is going to do because there is no way to verify that until he does it. TO be fair, I don't think JOHN knows what will come until it comes. There is no sense in dealing in absolutes when nothing is known.

 

My concern is not what John will do, it is what will be the best for Jenny. What will give her the best odds for success and at the same time and even more importantly, lessening the impact and damage should things go astray from the path we are all hoping for. What Jenny is doing is good for everybody involved, she is controlling her emotions and venting them here rather then in the home, she is building a history of good calm communication with John so he can see something other then the outbursts, and only judging for her posts, she is in a better state for herself then she was.

 

I agree that trying to wait out the clock is not the best move for her and that a time for action will come, but that has to be when shes ready for it, not when the people on this board are ready for it. A marriage adrift is still better then a marriage sinking.

 

John and I talked last night after I read Macks post. It wasnt fighting but I know everyone wont agree with this but I just told him how his actions make me feel and how the not telling me where he is going upsets me and I also told him maybe it would be better if he leaves. Thats not what I want by Im going crazy here. I told him I only feel that way because he is clearly not happy either and Im expecting to much like ring wearing, MC, etc. i told him i do feel disrespecting though i know why he is hurt and angry however i dont feel i deserve the treatment im getting and i cant take it anymore.

 

I absolutely LOVE this Jenny! Maybe everyone won't agree, but I'm with you 100%, you handled things very well there.

 

 

It was not a fight at all. Very adult! He said he wants out of his lease obligation and I told him I could do that for him. Then he saidhe doesnt understand what hes doing to make me think hes disrespecting him. I explained and he said would it make you feel better if i came and told you my comings and goings? He changed the subject then sighted how he tried to get my imput on his car repairs because of the cost and i never said anything! Wtf??? What does that have to do with anything he changed the subject just to get offthe subject of leaving. I told him i was tired and we can talk more later.

 

I don't think he was changing the subject here Jenny, for him input is input. He shared the car repair stuff with you and he feels like you weren't interested in what he was doing and he applied that to everything.

 

He doesn't know whats going on in your head and he doesn't connect him leaving to look for parts with you biting your nails and suspecting an affair.... again a parallel between the two of you, its much like the difference between how he viewed your emails v/s how you viewed them. Had he known that his not telling you where he was going equaled affair for you, he probably would have made different choices.

 

I would suggest letting him know that keeping you in the loop would make you feel more comfortable since he offered. I also still like the idea of removing the lease as something for him to hide behind without actually encouraging him to leave.

 

Those are just suggestions as always though, all things considered, I think you handled things very well.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I appreciate all the imput! John hasnt talked to me since I came home! I havent done anything with lease because I just am not sure and dont want to make a rash decision on emotions

 

It could go two ways: it makes him leave or he refuses to sign it and stays. Deep down i want him to stay BUT i want him to want to stay!!

 

Its a risky move and im just not sure

 

In my heart I really think has one foot in and one out. Thats not good but its not entirely bad either. I dont think the lease is whatis keeping him here. I know he loves me but is stuck in what was mentioned above as the victim role

[Yasuandio]

John and I talked last night after I read Macks post. It wasnt fighting but I know everyone wont agree with this but I just told him how his actions make me feel and how the not telling me where he is going upsets me and I also told him maybe it would be better if he leaves. Thats not what I want by Im going crazy here. I told him I only feel that way because he is clearly not happy either and Im expecting to much like ring wearing, MC, etc. i told him i do feel disrespecting though i know why he is hurt and angry however i dont feel i deserve the treatment im getting and i cant take it anymore.

 

It was not a fight at all. Very adult! He said he wants out of his lease obligation and I told him I could do that for him. Then he saidhe doesnt understand what hes doing to make me think hes disrespecting him. I explained and he said would it make you feel better if i came and told you my comings and goings? He changed the subject then sighted how he tried to get my imput on his car repairs because of the cost and i never said anything! Wtf??? What does that have to do with anything he changed the subject just to get offthe subject of leaving. I told him i was tired and we can talk more later.

 

He really annoys me lately!!

 

You know, I really wanted to respond to this post. Jenny, but let me know if you do not want posts from the big bully on the block. I'm going to try my best to be extra nice.

 

The point is, that all of us can help Jenny. Stop the bickering, please. Mack is smart and should not be pushed out of the thread. I ran my mouth, and was rude, but I apologized. Drop it already, and let's all respect one another's contributions. All POV's are based on a myriad of experience, all are valuable. Here's my take.

 

Personally, I am impressed with this conversation Jenny had with John. She was very to the point, he first answered her directly - that he wanted off the lease, but then became evasive towards the end of the convo. Very interesting. A sign that he is not sure, in my opinion. If I were Jenny, I'd be darn sick of this too, and I would want some answers toot sweet, get it over with, shoot me already.

 

You know something, I would take this opportunity and would push the petal to the metal. Yes, John needs some space, well, help him pack. Why should he stay if he doesn't wish to be a co-signer on the lease? Jenny asked because SHE WANTS TO KNOW. And now she knows - so what's next, Jenny? You are in charge here. What I would do is just broach the subject aagain in passing, "John, were you serious when you said you wanted off the lease the other night?" THAT'S IT. YES or NO. PERIOD. DONE AND DONE.

 

Seems like the perfect opportunity for much needed space to be created, per Mack's suggestion. But be careful what you wish for, you might get it, and you may forever have it. That is why these can only be your decisions - any decision you make has risks and consequences. No one knows what the outcome will be. It may turn out that you decide he is a baby, and you would perfer a man that acts more grown up. Anything can happen. He might get run over by a bus.

 

Congrats on holding your cool under extremely tough curcumstances (have been in the military or something?). I would have most certainly lost it with his "wanna get outta the lease" bs. That must have really stung to hear those words. If I had been in your place, after that little chat, he'd of been down the road, flat on his face, kissing the asphalt. Girl, you did great. Don't lose it. Keep up the good work. Cool, calm, collected. I am always out there watching for you. Yas

[Yasuandio]

And now I am a smartass because I asked you not to make assumptions about me when you include your stating your case. I'm also high and mighty and now I am petty. Hmmm, have you always been this verbally abusive?

 

I don't think anywhere I have called you names Mack. Tsk tsk

 

Listen, I know you. And you are above this silliness. Stop stirring the pot.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Thanks Yas!! Im certainly trying. Never been in the military. But growing up my parents put us through hell with their fighting.

 

I'm going to wait yet till Im sure. Funny thing to note John could walk to the office anyday and get the paper and fillit out if he wanted, sureI wouldnt have to sign it but if he wants out for a man who drives far for a part for his truck walking 40 feet to the office wouldnt be a hard task.

 

I know why I'm waiting whats his excuse?

[tojaz]

I know why I'm waiting whats his excuse?

 

So you and the lease can be the bad guy instead of him.

[TobyBoy]

Jenny,

Go back and re-read what Tojaz wrote a few posts back. IMO, best post on this thread concerning your sitch!!