Stubborn husband might leave me

[imtooconfused]

The last thing a person in "red light" mode wants to hear is "I love you." "I want you." "I need you." "I will change." "I will make it up to you." "I will fight for our marriage." The problem with these statements is it is all about I, I, I, I, I, me, me, me, me, me. They come of as stuff people don't feel like hearing when they're in the red light zone (see 180's).

 

Speaking as a guy who knows something about "red light" mode, "I love you" is a meaningless expression at this point in the relationship. Actually as I have commented previously in this thread, words are pretty much meaningless. Actions are what count, actions that show you care. Suffice it to say that negative actions, especially anger filled emotions count too, but certainly not in your favor. You need to vent those feelings but do that elsewhere, here if you have to, but not towards your husband.

 

One concrete positive action you can take is to be appreciative towards him when you see the "the old John" come through. Thank him for asking about the rental car, that you are comforted that you have someone to talk to about it.

[Mack05]

Yas can you go into more detail on the red light zone. When I google it I get taken to some strange websites regarding the Red light district in Amsterdam!

 

It's a very interesting perspective/angle (why I love this site, great life education). The reason I say this is every time I have been in the red light zone, the I love you's never worked. My letters were I I I and me me me like you suggested above..I would notice this, but didn't know what else I should out put in. It's hard to show in actions because in my case the girl had made up her mind and was adamant she didn't want to see my again.

 

I guess what I'd like to know is while you are in the red light zone what should you be saying/doing? Is there a website I can read up on this?

[Mack05]

 

I do hope typing all that out made you feel better Mack.

 

 

It did actually Tojaz, thank you. Maybe in future if you don't want 'childish debates' it might be an idea to avoid the cheap shots.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

This am before he left I had just gotten up and he said hey! I feel like a buddy, not a wife.

 

Hes definately being friendlier but I cant help but wonder if its just cause I got assertive and threatened to get the lease for him or if hes making an effort. I guess no sense in worrying over it instead I should just build off it.

 

Its amazing how much better I feel having a good night with him then when we dont. I slept great. I really think if we patched things up Id be at ease in my mind again.

 

About serious talk the one major thing I notice is I have been the one that has brought it up EVERYTIME i think. John saying he wants a divorce and is moving out etc only came out when I have asked him how he feels, when will things get better etc. i suppose if I never adked hed never would of told me.

 

Oh last night he told me he is thinking of transferring back to the school he was at last year if they will give him same pay he gets. He shouldnt of left there to begin with but here we are. I really think his job now is good but i think its over his head.At old school he was the man. Big fish in small pond. Now hes lithle fish in big pond.

 

This is one of his flaws ive learned about he cant handle criticism and i know at his current job he is just another teacher who is learning their ways, so they direct him and critique and if its not positive i know that kills him. This in my opinion is why he is wanting to leave and go back to old school so he can feel important. Its an ego thing i think

[Yasuandio]

Yas can you go into more detail on the red light zone. When I google it I get taken to some strange websites regarding the Red light district in Amsterdam!

 

It's a very interesting perspective/angle (why I love this site, great life education). The reason I say this is every time I have been in the red light zone, the I love you's never worked. My letters were I I I and me me me like you suggested above..I would notice this, but didn't know what else I should out put in. It's hard to show in actions because in my case the girl had made up her mind and was adamant she didn't want to see my again.

 

I guess what I'd like to know is while you are in the red light zone what should you be saying/doing? Is there a website I can read up on this?

 

Yes! The author is T Dub (like "W") Jackson, I think, from Arkansas. You can be fully educated on the "Magic Stop Light" on the very long video advertisement for his e-book called "Girl Gets Ring." It is a very logical concept. I read his e-book, and "Red zone" is not the time to approach with womanly issues and needs, period, 100% backfire - gauranted (according to Jackson, that is why all the problems women complain about occur: silent treatment, no call back, emotionless, no relationship talk, comittment-phobia, etc.). If u have trouble locating the video - just pm me. He has a lot of u-tubes as well. Yas

Edited March 14, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Yes! The author is T Dub (like "W") Jackson, I think, from Arkansas. You can be fully educated on the "Magic Stop Light" on the very long video advertisement for his e-book called "Girl Gets Ring." It is a very logical concept. I read his e-book, and "Red zone" is not the time to approach with womanly issues and needs, period, 100% backfire - gauranted (according to Jackson, that is why all the problems women complain about occur: silent treatment, no call back, emotionless, no relationship talk, comittment-phobia, etc.). If u have trouble locating the video - just pm me. He has a lot of u-tubes as well. Yas

 

I got his ebook the magic of making up! Hes got some good points for sure!

[Gunny376]

Yas made some reference to men "caving" and this is very much true for most if not any and all men. Dr. John Gray in his infamous book "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" makes great reference to the fact that when confronted with a situation, an issue, a problem that men tend to withdraw into their "cave" alone and in solitude while women discuss it with the women friends, sisters, mothers, MIL, SIL, Hell any woman that will listen and give them the time of day on the issue? Even a complete stranger they meet in WalMart while picking up milk.

 

In such books as "GenderSpeak" and "You Just Don't Understand" the authors of such explain that men and women have very different ways of communicating. Your "typical" woman uses anywhere from six to eight thousand words per day to a "typical" man's three to four thousand words. Rule of thumb? Women use about half to two thirds more words in any given days. Google it, and you will find different numbers, but it works out to about 2/3's more words to men's 1/3's.

 

Some men such as one of my former step-fathers, (a real honest to God Texas cowboy in EVERY connotation of the word) hardly spoke at all. Ditto with my parential grandfather, who I'm willing to bet never spoke more than a grand total of ten or fifteen words to me my entire life. My own DS29 is like this.

 

A lot of this is simply the difference in the ways men's and women's brains are wired differently. Some of it is cultural, and some of it social. In fact I believe that a lot of it is such. If you do an anthropological search and study on the subject you will find that most of it culturally and socially evolved. The book "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love" along with "Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes!" delve quite a bit into the anthropological evolution of such differences between men and women.

 

The truth of the matter is? Men and women are actually about 80% the same mentally, physically, psychologically, etc. And it can be as high as 80 to 90% the same. BUT the 10 t0 20% difference is freaking HUGH! Enough to cause the difference ~ and I mean major differences between the two.

 

Its very much a case of where "A 'little is a lot!"

 

Just ask any carpenter if there's a difference between 1/16 of an inch and 1/8 of an inch or a 1/4 of an inch. Ask any lab tech if there's a hugh difference between .001 and .0001 and <.0001?

 

Ask anyone who's ever been shoot at and had a bullet(s) go whizzing by their heads if there's such a thing a "differnce" or "almost" getting shot and actually getting shot? (My first time? All I could think of was ~ "What's that freaking 'sound' ~ I couldn't identify it as I never had anything to draw from it or reference it to? And then when I realized what "IT" was? :eek: :eek: Holy Mother of God! :eek: :eek: )

 

John doesn't actually have to go into a cave to be go a caving? He could be there each and everyday ~ physically ~ but mentally he's back on the back forty with a bottle of whiskey, a faithful old dog, and a pit-fire spitting whiskey into the fire.

 

He's contemplating, he's thinking, he's mulling it over, he's not yet committed to this or that course of action. He's trying to get his head around things. He's going down the list of opitions, what to leave in, what to leave out. He's 're-booting' trying desperately to get his azz and head wired back together.

 

All of this has thrown him for a loop, ~ he's having to 're-define' reality and come to terms with a new definition of such. His world has been turned upside down ~ inside out. He's trying to reconcile the "difference" between the way things are and the way things ought to be. He's hurt, confused and angry. He feels betrayed. He literally dosen't know wheather to turn left of right, to go forward or backwards. He doesn't trust himself, his instincts, his intuition, and he SURE as Hell doesn't trust you. You've violated that "given" trust? And your going to have to work all day long and hard to get it back.

 

Now is not the time for ultimatims. You lay one on him? And its not going to be pretty, nor fun, and its not going to a really bad day for you. Begging and imploring isn't going to help ~ neither is crying.

 

Keep it light, conversational, casual. No pressure, no demands, no ultiamaims.

 

In the book, "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnniege (A classic going back to the 1930's and in its 20th of so edition) http://www.dalecarnegie.com/secrets_of_success/?keycode=google06_GBBranded&gclid=CKX3vuKG_LUCFY6PPAodZCgAmg the author speaks of talking in terms of of the other person's interest.

 

In the book "How To Win Back The One You Love!" by Eric Weber Amazon.com: How to win back the one you love: Eric Weber: Books the author speaks of opening and maintaing a dialog.

 

Basically your a salesman with a 'hard-sale' customer. You've got to know, understand, comprehend the basics and fundametals of salemanship. The product your selling? Is you. You can't do that with "negatives" bad-mouthing the other salesman, nor the other salesman product. You can't sell anything from an emotional poisition. Any good salesman will tell you that you can't lose something (a sale) that you never had to begin with! You can't do that with nor by skipping the 'steps' of being a salesman.

 

Meet and greet

 

Qualifying (What are the customers needs, wants, desires, interests, motivation, the 'who, what, when, where, and why?

 

Ask qualifying questions? (See the above?)

 

Build repotorie (Your on their side)

 

Overcoming objections.

 

Closing.

 

At anyone point? If you screw up ~ start over and repeat the process.

 

Your still at the "Meet and Greet" stage with John and your going to 'squirril the deal' by being impatient with wanting to skip the steps and go immediately to the end-point of closing the deal.

 

Back off and work on creating a dialog, keeping it casual. Speak in terms of the other person's interests at the given point and time. If he wants to talks about x, y or z? Then you talk about x, y, and/or z. If he wants to talk about Star Trek? Then that's what you talk about! If he wants to talk about the mating habits of South American spider monkeys? The that's what you talk about!

 

And you agree with him, and let him know that you agree with him ~ even if you don't. And you let him know that whatever he says or comes out of his mouth then your on his side.

 

Manipulative? Yes to some degree ~ and its also part human pyschology. Its also part sales and what your selling and have got to get him to buy is you and your marriage.

 

But keep it fun, intersting, enlighting, and most of all an enjoyable experience.

[Yasuandio]

I got his ebook the magic of making up! Hes got some good points for sure!

 

Yes! I started off with that one 4 years ago. It is very pertinent to your situation. You just have to follow it. Took Yas awhile to learn the lessons! We got them down now, though! But it is too late.

[Mack05]

Jenny, Yas's post really made me think last night. The letter I wrote above, I wrote a similar letter to the last girl I loved. It didn't work. Now I'm glad I sent it, cause she got to know everything that was in my heart and I had nothing to lose. It helped me get closure because there was nothing left to say. The thing is it didn't work..I didn't get the girl back.

 

In a review of the magic of making (with regarding letter writing) up the reviewer says..

 

"The larger issue is where T.W. Jackson advises you to use some tactics to help you get back with your ex. Two examples are the technique named the instant reconnect technique and another is the handwritten letter. There are many situations where these techniques would come off as weird or could further reduce your ex's attraction to you. I would strongly recommend you use neither of them (if you get the book) because the odds are that they'll backfire."

 

"The other issue is where he recommends high risk - low return techniques. They have a high risk of causing more damage with no big upside in most cases. The handwritten letter is an example of this - I can see how it would work in some very specific examples, but they are not the most common ones. It's just a really bad idea"

 

I guess what I am trying to say is I have no idea if the letter is the way to go! TW Jackson thinks it's a good idea (in the book the magic of making up) but isn't he the same guy that has this red/amber/green zone idea? In theory a letter should not work with a partner who is in the red zone?. Am I missing something Yas? cause he doesn't seem consistent in his advice.

 

As for John, I can't get a proper read on the guy. It's a very frustrating scenario because you don't know what is going on in is head. Should you at push him or give him space? He might have a clear idea what is going to happen, but because you are reluctant to force the issue (and who can blame you) you still remain in limbo.

 

Hope the ebook has some good idea's for you Jenny...

[Mack05]

Gunny I am going to open my mind here to another posters way of doing things. With regarding your post above I have a few questions.

 

How long is Jenny meant to do this? This guy has been in his cave for 6 months...6 months

 

Ok Say Jenny is the prefect partner for the next two months. He decides to stay, but their life doesn't change. My point is how much of a personal sacrifice is Jenny going to have to make to get him back? At what point does the price of this sacrifice become to much?

 

I can't help but think the more you give John in this type of scenario, the more he will take. If he has a wife that is agreeable to everything, that goes along with everything he says/wants isn't there a chance he will start to lose respect for her?

 

I guess I am one of the very few people that thinks John has done more damage to his relationship/marriage than Jenny ever did?

[tojaz]

It did actually Tojaz, thank you. Maybe in future if you don't want 'childish debates' it might be an idea to avoid the cheap shots.

Spare me Mack, if you were half as smart as you think you are you would see that what you and Yas are encouraging her to do now is the same thing I have been doing since day one. If I wanted a cheap shot I would go back through the thread and diagram all the times you have flip flopped so you could pile on after another poster. If the forum helps you stroke your ego then I'm glad it can do that for you.

 

This am before he left I had just gotten up and he said hey! I feel like a buddy, not a wife.

 

Hes definately being friendlier but I cant help but wonder if its just cause I got assertive and threatened to get the lease for him or if hes making an effort. I guess no sense in worrying over it instead I should just build off it.

 

Its amazing how much better I feel having a good night with him then when we dont. I slept great. I really think if we patched things up Id be at ease in my mind again.

 

About serious talk the one major thing I notice is I have been the one that has brought it up EVERYTIME i think. John saying he wants a divorce and is moving out etc only came out when I have asked him how he feels, when will things get better etc. i suppose if I never adked hed never would of told me.

 

Oh last night he told me he is thinking of transferring back to the school he was at last year if they will give him same pay he gets. He shouldnt of left there to begin with but here we are. I really think his job now is good but i think its over his head.At old school he was the man. Big fish in small pond. Now hes lithle fish in big pond.

 

This is one of his flaws ive learned about he cant handle criticism and i know at his current job he is just another teacher who is learning their ways, so they direct him and critique and if its not positive i know that kills him. This in my opinion is why he is wanting to leave and go back to old school so he can feel important. Its an ego thing i think

 

Jenny, the part that worries me here is that, while i think your observations here are right on, but that first line scares me. The part where you say you feel like a buddy instead of a wife because I feel that's where he's trying to keep you. It's not really like he wants to go as much as he has found comfort in the ambiguous state you are in now, so he runs from both subjects. He will fight not to leave, but he will also fight not to come any closer. Thats a tricky place to be, because it's hard to fight a battle on three fronts and keep all things in balance.

 

What your saying about him transferring schools gives a lot of context to that. He wants to put himself in a position that is as comfortable and nonthreatening as possible.

 

You said you had looked at AllieKats thread, her H was in a similar place that he referred to as "the status quo". It's rough because obviously pressuring the issue one way or another causes things to break down, but sitting and waiting allows him to set roots in that position, the more comfortable he gets there, the more likely he will try and keep things ambiguous for as long as possible. Anything you do will have to be very deliberate and well thought out to keep things in balance.

 

TOJAZ

[Mack05]

Spare me Mack, if you were half as smart as you think you are you would see that what you and Yas are encouraging her to do now is the same thing I have been doing since day one. If I wanted a cheap shot I would go back through the thread and diagram all the times you have flip flopped so you could pile on after another poster. If the forum helps you stroke your ego then I'm glad it can do that for you.

 

 

Your such a self righteous ........ My advice in general has been consistent throughout. I may have been back on forth on a few things (like the letter etc). That is what happens when you are always looking for actual solutions. When you analyze different scenarios, opinions, trends, experiences.

 

Newsflash, these type of relationship scenario's are not black and white. If they were they would be a lot less divorces. What works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for another, so please forgive me for offering various idea's to Jenny. Please forgive me for allowing my mind to be opened on all the possible solutions.

 

Unlike you I don't believe I am right 100% of the time. I allow myself to be influenced by other posters (today being a good example). Having an attitude like that allows for emotional growth and maturity.

 

In general, I have stated that space is best for both of them, that there are 3 wrongs here and that his behaviour is the main issue in their marriage. I have not veered from this stance. I have veered on the potential resolutions to the marriage issues that Jenny faces. I have veered on whether should want him back or not.

 

Now I'm done with you. I don't care what you think of me, how much class you think I have. How much better you are then me. I don't give a monkey's nutsack. If you are the guy whose advice gets Jenny to have her marriage back I applaud you now, but I don't see how an arrogant, self-righteous, pompous 'man' who offers little in the way of solutions will actually achieve this..

 

Although I've been wrong before

Edited March 14, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

In the Magic of Making up thats why I wrote the first letter as my opening move! That backfired! I just dont think the letter is the right choice for me now.

 

 

Tojaz I did read Alies thread I don't remember all of whàt I read but I do know in it her husband did what John is doing the "status quo" not sure how to over come that. But I do think Gunny has some points too. I think we can all agree I need to get my emotions in check first!

 

I actually slept good last night so that helps.

 

Mack john is hard to figure out! I still dont think he even knows what hes doing. Buti certainly dont want to make it easy for him but being a naggybag!!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Heres something I need advice on;

 

I wanted to ask John about him going back to old job. Reason being he transferred when we were first going through our problem. Most of the people he worked with knew and I think part of the reason he transferred was embarrasment. Someone overheard him fighting on phone with me. Anyway Im wondering when he goes next week to talk to big boss if he's going to say no more personal issues will arise because I'm getting divorced!

 

Should I ask or just zip it? Im thinking zip it and let it be but thought I'd get feedback. I can't help but think our current situation or future plays into his desire to go back. I guess I'm looking for answers as to the meaning if any of going back. For ex like he wants his old life back or etc.

 

Im sure I wont know any of that anyway till it happens but it make me curious

[Mack05]

Again your mind is working overtime and again it's not helping you. Jenny this situation is so confusing. I mean has John made up his mind on the divorce? If not what does he want and expect of you? If he has, when does he want to get divorced. What day does he intend on moving out? So many unanswered questions that you need the answer to.

 

For me I couldn't take it anymore, I would sit him down and (calmly) ask him exactly what his plans are for the future. He owes you at LEAST that much. I would let him talk and not try put words in his mouth. If he looks to change the subject, then you may need to prod a bit. Ask questions like, when does he intend on moving out. When is he looking to starting divorce proceedings.

 

At least you will know what he is thinking and what direction he wants to go in. This has to be the most frustrating part (not fully knowing). Yes he seems intent on leaving you, but he doesn't appear to be 100% sure that is what he wants to do. It's time for him to get decisive. Leaving you so confused is grossly unfair.

 

After that you can use homer, TW Jackson or any other technique out there to hopefully try change his mind. The key is to keep your cool. Even if it is the bad news that you are expecting. You know my beliefs (that space will eventually sort this out). Once we know what his plans are, it does greatly help in how you want to tackle this going forward.

 

Right now the odds are against you. The fact that he is the one dictating everything doesn't help your cause. All we are doing is guesswork and as you can see from the disagreements on this thread, that gets frustrating. We need the ball in our court. Once we know what his plan going forward is, we can all advise better on what the next step(s) need to be.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Mack05

[imtooconfused]

I wanted to ask John about him going back to old job. Reason being he transferred when we were first going through our problem. Most of the people he worked with knew and I think part of the reason he transferred was embarrasment. Someone overheard him fighting on phone with me. Anyway Im wondering when he goes next week to talk to big boss if he's going to say no more personal issues will arise because I'm getting divorced!

 

When he goes to talk to the big boss because he wants his old job back, he has to tell him that there will be no more personal issues while he is at work, otherwise there is no way he will get his old job back. Now he can tell the boss the reason is that he is getting a divorce or he can tell the boss that he doesn't argue with his wife anymore. Which way would you want him explain it? And what can you do to help him keep that promise with the boss?

[Jennyfromtheblick]

@ Mack I dunno bud I just don't think the serious talk will get me anywhere. Hes evasive and I did ask him these questions and got the evasive ummm I have no plans yet, umm i dont know, and the famous shoulder shrug paired with the blank clueless look.

 

@ Im I would prefer he say there will be no more personal issues because he wont be fighting anymore with wife. I know how much his job means to him so I know to keep our business/ issues at home not while hes at work!

[Mack05]

Jenny I know other posters advice is just to ride the storm, play nice and see what happens. I just think this will lead to a bigger harder fall in the long run. There are already communication issues and these kind of tactics don't really help IMO. I just can't see how being an ostrich with it's head in the sand, is going to help anymore.

 

He has had 6 months to figure this out. Six months. This "I dunno" or "I have no plans" is simply no longer good enough. He has already put you through the emotional wringer Jenny. When is enough enough?. I think it's important to find out what his plans are and then figure out what the next steps are going to be.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny I know other posters advice is just to ride the storm, play nice and see what happens. I just think this will lead to a bigger harder fall in the long run. There are already communication issues and these kind of tactics don't really help IMO. I just can't see how being an ostrich with it's head in the sand, is going to help anymore.

 

He has had 6 months to figure this out. Six months. He has put you through enough emotional turmoil Jenny. I think it's important to find out what his plans are and then figure out what the next steps are going to be.

 

I understand what your saying! Ostrich? Do you think Jenny has been that? Have you read my posts? Lol j/k I think Ive drilled the guy time and time again. I do wanna know his plans for sure but I need to build a bit of a more positive interaction I think with him first. Just my gut feeling.

[Mack05]

I understand what your saying! Ostrich? Do you think Jenny has been that? Have you read my posts? Lol j/k I think Ive drilled the guy time and time again. I do wanna know his plans for sure but I need to build a bit of a more positive interaction I think with him first. Just my gut feeling.

 

The ostrich is a metaphor. By being nice and going through the motions I can't see how this solves anything now, especially after 6 months. If this was after a few weeks and things were still up in the air, I would agree with this tactic. However he has already stated that he wants a divorce, that he is leaving and that he no longer loves you. Add to that he tells you he doesn't know what his plans are. I mean are you f c**&ng kidding me with this!

 

Ok you have drilled him, but all its done is left you with more questions than answers. Not only that it has drawn you further apart. Seriously Jenny can you not see how unfair he is being to you with this blase attitude? When he said to you in December if you just left him be, that things might be different (or something along those lines) this is just a manipulation tactic that some people use to make their partner feel guilty.

 

Despite the blowups, your patience is so commendable. After six months if it were me and my partner said to me I don't love you, I want a divorce and then had the audacity to say "I dunno" and "I have no plans" when I asked her what her plans are, I would say to her "well let me make your mind up for you" and then pack her bags!

 

To me there is a very fine line here Jenny. A fine line between fighting for something worthwhile or giving far too much of yourself away. I mean how much is one person meant to take? At what point do you start pushing for answers? I know he was a good husband and I know others think you need to be patient with him, but I can't escape just how unfair he has been to you the past 6 months.

 

You need to be honest with yourself now. Can you really go through another 2-3 months of this? How will you feel if you do and he leaves anyway with little or no remorse? I mean in 3 months this would have been going on close to what 7-8, 9 months? If that is the case why on earth wasn't this solved 3-4 months ago by him moving out?

 

I don't think it's a lot to ask, to find out what his plans are. The guy isn't 6. He is not being fair to you and he needs to understand this.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Mack05

[Gunny376]

Gunny I am going to open my mind here to another posters way of doing things. With regarding your post above I have a few questions.

 

How long is Jenny meant to do this? This guy has been in his cave for 6 months...6 months

 

Ok Say Jenny is the prefect partner for the next two months. He decides to stay, but their life doesn't change. My point is how much of a personal sacrifice is Jenny going to have to make to get him back? At what point does the price of this sacrifice become to much?

 

I can't help but think the more you give John in this type of scenario, the more he will take. If he has a wife that is agreeable to everything, that goes along with everything he says/wants isn't there a chance he will start to lose respect for her?

 

I guess I am one of the very few people that thinks John has done more damage to his relationship/marriage than Jenny ever did?

 

That's ultimately a decision Jenny ~ and Jenny alone is going to have to make when she's reconciled in her heart, mind, and spirit that its time and that there's been an irreconcilable breakdown in the marriage ~ relationship. Its virtually impossible for any of us to give her advice as to this specfic regard?

 

She'll know when "its time" and she and only she will intuitively know that for a fact.

 

Just somethings I have learned over the years?

 

~ One of the definitions of 'insanity' is to continuously and repeatedly do the same thing over and over again? All the while expecting different results!

 

~ When you quit banging your head against the wall? It feels really good!

 

As I said, she'll throw in the towel, when she's good and damned ready, and not a moment before. And its her and her alone that has to make that call.

 

I've seen couples (and more than just a few) that have gotten married ~ divorced ~ married again ~ divorced again ~ married again. I know of at least two couples locally that have been married and divorced to each other four times. (Supposedly its against the law here in Alabama to marry the same person more than three times ~ this happens enough that the State legislature felt compelled to pass a law! ) The fourth time they had to drive two and half hours to Georgia to get "re-married"

 

I know (a lot) of couples that just couldn't handle being married to one another, but are right as rain when it comes to "shacking-up" / living together.

 

What clearly is at hand is a 're-defining' of the relationship ~ becoming innovative, creative, imaginative, compromising, negotiating what to put in and what to leave out ~ and that's an on-going thing.

 

I'm a very much a "Lead, follow or get the Hell out of the way........" kind of guy. And I hate indecision. But when it comes to matters of the heart? Who's to say to another when its time?

 

For some its a millisecond! For others its a lifetime? Queen Victoria mourned the death of most beloved Prince Albert for thirty years after his death ~ never re-marrying. None of her subjects would have faulted her for re-marrying me-thinks.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

The ostrich is a metaphor. By being nice and going through the motions I can't see how this solves anything now, especially after 6 months. If this was after a few weeks and things were still up in the air, I would agree with this tactic. However he has already stated that he wants a divorce, that he is leaving and that he no longer loves you. Add to that he tells you he doesn't know what his plans are. I mean are you f c**&ng kidding me with this!

 

Ok you have drilled him, but all its done is left you with more questions than answers. Not only that it has drawn you further apart. Seriously Jenny can you not see how unfair he is being to you with this blase attitude? When he said to you in December if you just left him be, that things might be different (or something along those lines) this is just a manipulation tactic that some people use to make their partner feel guilty.

 

Despite the blowups, your patience is so commendable. After six months if it were me and my partner said to me I don't love you, I want a divorce and then had the audacity to say "I dunno" and "I have no plans" when I asked her what her plans are, I would say to her "well let me make your mind up for you" and then pack her bags!

 

To me there is a very fine line here Jenny. A fine line between fighting for something worthwhile or giving far too much of yourself away. I mean how much is one person meant to take? At what point do you start pushing for answers? I know he was a good husband and I know others think you need to be patient with him, but I can't escape just how unfair he has been to you the past 6 months.

 

You need to be honest with yourself now. Can you really go through another 2-3 months of this? How will you feel if you do and he leaves anyway with little or no remorse? I mean in 3 months this would have been going on close to what 7-8, 9 months? If that is the case why on earth wasn't this solved 3-4 months ago by him moving out?

 

I don't think it's a lot to ask, to find out what his plans are. The guy isn't 6. He is not being fair to you and he needs to understand this.

 

 

Ok I get it BUT but I dont think he knows what he wants. He never offically said he didnt love me. Mack like you said i gotta go with my gut on this and I just dont think its over. He said divorce but guess what I said things when we were talking/fighting too that i didnt mean. Maybe he does mean it time will tell.

 

Im fighting for the John I had and I will till I see papers. I know this man and Im just not sold on this is 100% what he wants. Like cominginhot suggested I think john looks at things like he was cheated on. I dont think hes trying to hurt me or punish me really i dont think hes thinking about my feelings i think hes stuck in his "victim" role.

 

Im not a dumb girl I'm not sitting around doing his laundry, cooking for him and kissing his butt. Im a strong woman who is willing to lay some pride aside and patience to try to get through this with a salvagable marriage. 6mths, 4mths whatever its time some think to long maybe some think i deserve dumped. Either way Im not going to just throw my hands up and run cause its not fair or my feelings are hurt. My vows are important I intend on trying my hardest to honor them and right now these are the bad times.

 

Im not asking anyone to agree with me or Im mot trying to change peoples minds. But Im not going to give up and demand any answers right now, sorry mack dont hate me though :-)

[TobyBoy]

*Great post from Gunny*

 

Jenny, what desicion did you make concerning your wedding rings?

 

I think your doing great. Remember, this is a marathon....not a sprint!

[Gunny376]

More often than not, when someone says "I want a divorce!!!!!" ~ it actually means "I want and need you to change!"

[Mack05]

Ok I get it BUT but I dont think he knows what he wants. He never offically said he didnt love me. Mack like you said i gotta go with my gut on this and I just dont think its over. He said divorce but guess what I said things when we were talking/fighting too that i didnt mean. Maybe he does mean it time will tell.

 

Im fighting for the John I had and I will till I see papers. I know this man and Im just not sold on this is 100% what he wants. Like cominginhot suggested I think john looks at things like he was cheated on. I dont think hes trying to hurt me or punish me really i dont think hes thinking about my feelings i think hes stuck in his "victim" role.

 

Im not a dumb girl I'm not sitting around doing his laundry, cooking for him and kissing his butt. Im a strong woman who is willing to lay some pride aside and patience to try to get through this with a salvagable marriage. 6mths, 4mths whatever its time some think to long maybe some think i deserve dumped. Either way Im not going to just throw my hands up and run cause its not fair or my feelings are hurt. My vows are important I intend on trying my hardest to honor them and right now these are the bad times.

 

Im not asking anyone to agree with me or Im mot trying to change peoples minds. But Im not going to give up and demand any answers right now, sorry mack dont hate me though :-)

 

How can I hate you? What a fantastic reply!