Stubborn husband might leave me

[Mack05]

That's ultimately a decision Jenny ~ and Jenny alone is going to have to make when she's reconciled in her heart, mind, and spirit that its time and that there's been an irreconcilable breakdown in the marriage ~ relationship. Its virtually impossible for any of us to give her advice as to this specfic regard?

 

She'll know when "its time" and she and only she will intuitively know that for a fact.

 

Just somethings I have learned over the years?

 

~ One of the definitions of 'insanity' is to continuously and repeatedly do the same thing over and over again? All the while expecting different results!

 

~ When you quit banging your head against the wall? It feels really good!

 

As I said, she'll throw in the towel, when she's good and damned ready, and not a moment before. And its her and her alone that has to make that call.

 

I've seen couples (and more than just a few) that have gotten married ~ divorced ~ married again ~ divorced again ~ married again. I know of at least two couples locally that have been married and divorced to each other four times. (Supposedly its against the law here in Alabama to marry the same person more than three times ~ this happens enough that the State legislature felt compelled to pass a law! ) The fourth time they had to drive two and half hours to Georgia to get "re-married"

 

I know (a lot) of couples that just couldn't handle being married to one another, but are right as rain when it comes to "shacking-up" / living together.

 

What clearly is at hand is a 're-defining' of the relationship ~ becoming innovative, creative, imaginative, compromising, negotiating what to put in and what to leave out ~ and that's an on-going thing.

 

I'm a very much a "Lead, follow or get the Hell out of the way........" kind of guy. And I hate indecision. But when it comes to matters of the heart? Who's to say to another when its time?

 

For some its a millisecond! For others its a lifetime? Queen Victoria mourned the death of most beloved Prince Albert for thirty years after his death ~ never re-marrying. None of her subjects would have faulted her for re-marrying me-thinks.

 

I'm starting to think that there is method to your madness

[Jennyfromtheblick]

*Great post from Gunny*

 

Jenny, what desicion did you make concerning your wedding rings?

 

I think your doing great. Remember, this is a marathon....not a sprint!

 

I put the rings back on! :-)

[santophile]

Hi Jenny,

 

Sorry if this might seem a bit odd, but I stumbled on this thread by accident as I am going through a divorce and found myself amazed by how strong you are.

 

I really just wanted to say you're an awesome person and I am so impressed with your ability to stick with your guy through adversity. He is so lucky to have you and so foolish not to just move straight on from your mistake. I bet you make his life 100 times better every day.

 

All the best!

SJ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Hi Jenny,

 

Sorry if this might seem a bit odd, but I stumbled on this thread by accident as I am going through a divorce and found myself amazed by how strong you are.

 

I really just wanted to say you're an awesome person and I am so impressed with your ability to stick with your guy through adversity. He is so lucky to have you and so foolish not to just move straight on from your mistake. I bet you make his life 100 times better every day.

 

All the best!

SJ

 

Thank you so much! Thats very kind and so appreciated!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Just a quick post! John is very chatty tonight. Hes actually been making conversation, again nothing serious but weve been talking all evening!

His attitude seems to have slightly changed. His whole aura is different the last two days. Not sure its a change of heart but its a positive change

[tojaz]

Having an attitude like that allows for emotional growth and maturity.

 

Would that be the maturity that caused you to write insulting posts completely unprovoked? Because aside from the abuse tirade quite awhile ago I have agreed with the vast majority of what has been said by you Mack.

 

With that, I want to say that while I do like a debate with the average troll or troublemaker on this board, that's not you Mack, and I certainly do not enjoy it when I am being attacked by a poster that I actually like. You actually give good solid advice and have a very good outlook on a lot of things and although I don't always agree with what you say, I have never once claimed to be right 100% of the time nor have i claimed anything I've said regarding john to be fact. Can you say the same?

 

John CLEARLY has avoidance issues.

 

I know some posters believe Jenny will do the right thing(s) cause she knows John best. I don't agree. She is far too emotional to think and act logically.

 

So how long have you been a licensed therapist? and obviously a good one if you can diagnose someone you've never met via an internet forum!... yes that is a jab Mack and it will be my last in your direction, and I leave it in only because it does make a point.

 

I do often place short posts of encouragement when I feel someone has done well, and unfortunately I don't always have another strategy to add to the equation and don't really feel the need to rehash the old, but i still feel it is important to encourage and to let people know that I'm still reading their updates even if i don't have something earth shattering to add.

 

So Mack, with all of that, I would only ask that you extend the same repect that I try and extend to you, if you disagree with a post, rather then trying to shred it, maybe ask why someone feels that way, if that should be me then i will be more then happy to explain my thoughts, if you feel anything i said is damaging to jenny, then i more then encourage you to click the alert button.

 

Otherwise, I hope that whatever made you feel you had an axe to grind with me is now in the rearview so Jenny can have her thread back.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

In the Magic of Making up thats why I wrote the first letter as my opening move! That backfired! I just dont think the letter is the right choice for me now.

 

 

Tojaz I did read Alies thread I don't remember all of whàt I read but I do know in it her husband did what John is doing the "status quo" not sure how to over come that. But I do think Gunny has some points too. I think we can all agree I need to get my emotions in check first!

 

I actually slept good last night so that helps.

Gunny makes a lot of good points, and I agree that getting your emotions in check are a priority.

 

John putting you in Limbo is not really something you can just overcome and there's no real strategy for you to get out on your own that's going to be 100% foolproof because nobody can predict how John will react to anything.

 

Thats the sticky part, because anything that might have an impact on John also carries the risk that he will react negatively obviously, thats a hard area for me to give advice since I don't know him. I would say that you should try and avoid letting conversation become "buddy talk", if he asks you about something, rather then taking the ultra conservative approach and playing it down the middle, answer like what you are, his wife and do the same with your actions.

 

Thats not saying reminding him verbally he's married or anything like that, because that is very likely to send his defenses up even more and that will create the push/pull cycle that was so prevalent on Allies thread... where she would back away and he would pull her closer but never too close, but if she tried to get close, he would immediately push her back. Subtlety is key because anything blatant can be too much all at once, you have to subtly start setting boundaries between buddy and wife. Try something small and see how he responds.

 

Heres something I need advice on;

 

I wanted to ask John about him going back to old job. Reason being he transferred when we were first going through our problem. Most of the people he worked with knew and I think part of the reason he transferred was embarrasment. Someone overheard him fighting on phone with me. Anyway Im wondering when he goes next week to talk to big boss if he's going to say no more personal issues will arise because I'm getting divorced!

 

Should I ask or just zip it? Im thinking zip it and let it be but thought I'd get feedback. I can't help but think our current situation or future plays into his desire to go back. I guess I'm looking for answers as to the meaning if any of going back. For ex like he wants his old life back or etc.

 

Im sure I wont know any of that anyway till it happens but it make me curious

 

I think your right in thinking "zip it", you most likely wouldn't get a response anyway.

 

I would love to speculate on why he wants to go back Jenny and while I have some thoughts, that's really all they are, thoughts and theories though and speculating would only give more to contemplate and might start keeping you up at night again. I will say that I don't think it is anything that reflects negatively on you or that reflects at all on the marriage for that matter.

 

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

NOT TO RUB SALT IN A OPEN WOUND, BUT FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION AND PONDERANCE ONLY!

 

"I'm Not Ready Yet" by George Jones (1980) - YouTube

 

Sorry!

 

Just me digging up bones from a love that's long dead and gone!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Gunny iknow you said for my consideration or ponderance but do you think i need to give up too?

 

Not sure why im asking cause im not going to lmbo but i thought id ask

[Gunny376]

Gunny iknow you said for my consideration or ponderance but do you think i need to give up too?

 

Not sure why im asking cause im not going to lmbo but i thought id ask

 

Marines don't know the meaning of "quit" there "Marine!" For "Us" its "Do or die trying!" We're stubbornly stupid by choice that way! :mad: :mad:

 

Semper Fi there Mac! (Semper Fi is short for Semper Fidelis ~ Marine Corps Motto ~ Latin for "Always Faithful" )

 

"Retreat Hell! We just got here!" :mad: We've not yet begun to fight!"

[Gunny376]

Man your post Marine at the "wall" and retreat not before the Hordes of Hell, for these are times that try men's souls. But thou you may die! You will live forever and it will forevermore be said, "He did and gave his best. He gave his all." Valour before death was a common virture. And upon your tombstone it will be written, "I did not retreat!, I manned this wall, yet I gave not to the enemy before me as I said upon my God my final prayer before Almighty God!" Amen!

 

My XHEX can say what she will? But she can't say I didn't give my all!

[Mack05]

Gunny you should rent out the movie warrior. There is a scene near the end when the Marines sing Tommy Riordan (Tom Hardy) to the ring with the Marines song. Gives me goosebumps every time and I ain't even a Marine..

 

Jenny glad to see things went better last night...

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Im only posting this for feedback, thoughts etc not to be annoying. John is nice again today. He sent me a text he was working late and asked if I wanted him to pick up dinner. I already had dinner made and had to go stop by a friends so I said no thank you but I made Tortellini and its in the fridge if he wants it. He replied back okay thank you.

 

Now I havent spent much time with him at home today but he was kind and said hello. Not quite as chatty as he was but thats ok. Im pretty shocked at the offer to bring dinner home but Im not making a big deal over it and im keeping cool. This is a good thing. Though I still dont want to get my hopes up cause it just çould be he is being civil till he moves out.

[tojaz]

Im only posting this for feedback, thoughts etc not to be annoying. John is nice again today. He sent me a text he was working late and asked if I wanted him to pick up dinner. I already had dinner made and had to go stop by a friends so I said no thank you but I made Tortellini and its in the fridge if he wants it. He replied back okay thank you.

 

Now I havent spent much time with him at home today but he was kind and said hello. Not quite as chatty as he was but thats ok. Im pretty shocked at the offer to bring dinner home but Im not making a big deal over it and im keeping cool. This is a good thing. Though I still dont want to get my hopes up cause it just çould be he is being civil till he moves out.

 

Short reply because it's late Jenny, but I'm not sure what kind of feedback your looking for here.

 

A pleasant day with John is always going to be a good thing, and him offering to bring home dinner is a pleasant change of pace, but there really isn't any new information here to provide any more feedback then that. My guess is that you can expect him to be pleasant for as long as things remain undefined between you. That has pros and cons that go along with it.

 

It is a good situation for you to get your bearings, and continue working on the things that you have been working on and to gauge and gather information from him. The trap is that after all the stress you have endured as of late that it can be easy for you to get comfortable in limbo as well as him. Call it taking the short term happiness of a quiet house and a pleasant and civil John in trade for the long term goal you have to go back to living as MR. and MRS. Fromtheblick!

 

TOJAZ

[Mack05]

Jenny,

 

I worry (as I said above) about the potential fall you could take here. Things start to get better, you start to get more hopeful each day and then BANG...

 

This sudden attitude could be one of a few things. It could be he really is softening up and just going with the flow. It could be he has gotten divorce advice and was told to keep things as peaceful as possible before he goes. It could be he really wants his old job back and knows a peaceful stable envirnoment, before he leaves gives him the best chance. I personally feel its the one of the last two but I'm only guessing.

 

I know what u have said to me and I really respected that post, but I can't help but worry in this scenario. Falling when you start to get a little hope and excitement will just add to the devastation. While having a 'status quo' is going nicely right now, I can't but help feel that this is an ostrich with its head in the sand, not wanting to deal with what is going on all around them.

 

For me a calm discussion about what his future plans are, is the best move. If he says "I don't know" tell him that he is not being fair to you and after he knows what his plans are, you would appreciate that he tell you.

 

I believe Jenny that the marriage can be saved, BUT I also believe his mind has been made up to leave and nice chit chat for the next two months is not going to change that. I do feel though a peaceful house will help your choices of reconciliation going forward.

 

I know you have a reluctance not to rock the boat but IMO it would really help to support and advise you what his next move is going to be. He has all the cards staked in his favour, while we are batting in the dark..Too much guessing being done.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Short reply because it's late Jenny, but I'm not sure what kind of feedback your looking for here.

 

A pleasant day with John is always going to be a good thing, and him offering to bring home dinner is a pleasant change of pace, but there really isn't any new information here to provide any more feedback then that. My guess is that you can expect him to be pleasant for as long as things remain undefined between you. That has pros and cons that go along with it.

 

It is a good situation for you to get your bearings, and continue working on the things that you have been working on and to gauge and gather information from him. The trap is that after all the stress you have endured as of late that it can be easy for you to get comfortable in limbo as well as him. Call it taking the short term happiness of a quiet house and a pleasant and civil John in trade for the long term goal you have to go back to living as MR. and MRS. Fromtheblick!

 

TOJAZ

 

I guess I was just looking for what everyone thought might be happening. A change of heart for him? Him just being nice so he could stay? Nobody knows but him but I figured you all have seen/read enough on here to maybe make a good guess. Lol

 

I see what you mean about status quo. I really don't want that either. But for now I do think being civil and kind has more benefits to us both regardless of outcome. I wouldn't think he would just be wanting a status quo either but he doesn't like conflict either so I guess safe zone is better

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny,

 

I worry (as I said above) about the potential fall you could take here. Things start to get better, you start to get more hopeful each day and then BANG...

 

This sudden attitude could be one of a few things. It could be he really is softening up and just going with the flow. It could be he has gotten divorce advice and was told to keep things as peaceful as possible before he goes. It could be he really wants his old job back and knows a peaceful stable envirnoment, before he leaves gives him the best chance. I personally feel its the one of the last two but I'm only guessing.

 

I know what u have said to me and I really respected that post, but I can't help but worry in this scenario. Falling when you start to get a little hope and excitement will just add to the devastation. While having a 'status quo' is going nicely right now, I can't but help feel that this is an ostrich with its head in the sand, not wanting to deal with what is going on all around them.

 

For me a calm discussion about what his future plans are, is the best move. If he says "I don't know" tell him that he is not being fair to you and after he knows what his plans are, you would appreciate that he tell you.

 

I believe Jenny that the marriage can be saved, BUT I also believe his mind has been made up to leave and nice chit chat for the next two months is not going to change that. I do feel though a peaceful house will help your choices of reconciliation going forward.

 

I know you have a reluctance not to rock the boat but IMO it would really help to support and advise you what his next move is going to be. He has all the cards staked in his favour, while we are batting in the dark..Too much guessing being done.

 

I don't think he has seen a lawyer so maybe the last pertaining to his job is most correct. Though Im also thinking him being nice like this could also be so he can stay here a bit longer. It just seems to have all changed since I had my little chit chat the other day.

 

I know you think this has bad potential butIm thinking the opposite. If this is a fake nice hes doing he will maintain it for a bit. That will get hard if he isnt really meaning it. It also has the chance though to have that fake it till he makes it effect. He could actually start to buy into it and like the nice him and it could make him feel better. Thats assuming hes acting here.

 

If hes sincere it could be cause he wants peace for his new job still, and thats ok. I think us having positive here at home makes everything better, even if divorce happens. The burden falls on me though to not get my hopes up and just take the kindness for what it is, kindness. Be sincere or fake I derserve kindness.

 

I think when the the house is like this it just puts things in prospective. Without that naggy wife he sees me as I am more because Im being treated better and it put me at ease more. Instead of crazy mode. He is actually helping me regardless of his intentions. The nicer he is the more relaxed and calm and easy going i am. Essentially Im more myself.

 

The fallback could be he goes back to being indifferent in which case then I may "relapse" into that crazy mode again. Where im stressing over his thoughts, plans etc. Right now I'm going to go day to day and build on the positive but let him take the lead in the direction he intends. If he decides to still move out there isnt a thing I can do to stop him. But fighting, questioning, and etc isn't going to make him want to stay.

 

Maybe being an ostrich wont either. And as long as hes treating me kind i may put my head in the sand a bit but the first time he steps out of line and treats me bad or does anything to intentionally hurt me im biting him HARD.

 

I think things will get clearer as to what hes doing soon so. Most likely when lease is up. But I still dont think hes even sure what he wants yet.

[Gunny376]

For one I think your in "paralysis by over-analysis' mode which is normal for someone in your stich'. Going hand in hand with that? Your looking for the least little signs ~ your hyper-sense has and is kicking in.

 

I would liken it to a loved one setting endless, hopefully by a most dear and beloved one in a comma.

 

The human mind is the Devil's Playground, and I think what is called for here is for you to just go about your daily routine ~ as though this never happened. Moreoften than not? The less said is the best said. Stay the course and be strong.

[Mack05]

too many "if's" and "I thinks" and "I don't thinks"..to me this just adds to the poor communication that we have already seen.

 

I'm not suggesting he talked to a lawyer, but maybe to his family and friends. Now if he has decided to go, then fake nice is quiet easy to do. For him it's a means to an end. You would be surprised how we think we know people, until we see a different side to them we don't expect.

 

Again that's just me guessing. Right now Jenny IMO there is too much of that going on. 6 months and you still are not sure what your husband wants? I guess I am only one that thinks there's something seriously wrong with this...

 

Ok if he stays and you guys work it out, I will be proven wrong and will be so happy to be proven wrong. Can I tell you what I think will happen?

 

He is nice, becomes nicer and you get your hopes up (cause that is human nature). When the time comes and he leaves with little or no remorse, I see you completely blowing up (letting out all that pent up anger and frustration) and having the kind of fight that there is simply no return from...This is honesty what I see. Right now I believe that you are hurtling straight towards a huge train wreck..

 

I know you know John best and you really are an awesome girl, but I fear Jenny you are not thinking clearly and I feel the advice of Gunny and Tojaz is not going to work (just my opinion). I REALLY hope I am wrong. I will celebrate like crazy if I am, but this feeling I have won't leave me. With me I suck at heeding my own advice, but I have an uncanny read on other people. I'm right far more often than I am wrong.

 

Now I know this isn't what you want to hear Jenny, but I would feel a fraud not to say something...You know what I want you to do (ask him his plans and then prepare for him leaving, then using this space apart productively). I just can't see how this course of action will lead you to marriage counselling and I can't see how this marriage can back on track without marriage counselling.

 

I really hope I am wrong, but for me waiting and guessing just does not help..Not after 6 months..

Edited March 16, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

But Mack I have already asked him and told him what you said that its not fair to me as recently as a few weeks ago. He said he was leaving when the lease was up. Thats it he didnt know where he was going.

 

I cant keep asking the same question and expectating different answers! You mentioning 6 mths 6mths in limbo but its not been that. Hes pretty much said since jan he was leaving when lease was up.

 

So with that Im hoping to change his mind before that. Then if we can do that then MC! Im still wondering hoping and etc but Im not lost to what he has said Im just hoping that hell reconsider.

 

End result is I cant make him do anything. John isnt a game player either so I dont think his being kind is fake.

 

So with that here we are with some time left to try to change his mind. That is where we are! I need to do stuff RIGHT NOW to change his mind. Though i will admit Im not sure hes set on leaving me but i gotta go off his words.

 

I want to focus on NOW not go on about the length of time or etc. besides you said along with others this is a sprint not a marathon right? I dont see what else I can do these over these coming weeks other than be calm cool and collected that will help? Asking him those questions again isnt going to help.

[Mack05]

I do see your point Jenny and you could be right (I am hoping you are). I just worry this hoping he will change his mind while he is there, will keep you in the wrong mindset. Don't get me wrong, I want you to be positive, I want you to keep believing, but I don't want you to be unrealistic. There is a fine line there.

 

As you know, I am firmly in the camp that you both need space to work this out. Therefore, I hope you don't think it's the end if he moves out. I have stated many times that I feel this can only work by him coming to his senses, without persuasion. A dose of harsh reality, can be the best way for someone to see sense. Right now, I think you are hedging all your eggs in one basket (i.e. I've got two months to change his mind or that's it). By thinking along these lines, the crash will be huge if he sticks to what he says he will do.

 

I guess the questions I think you need answers to are 1) exactly when is he intend on leaving (this will help when organising a new lease) 2) when does he intend to start divorce proceedings. I think subconsciously you are scared to ask those questions, cause you are scared what you are going to hear. I know asking about the divorce is scary, but I read somewhere once doing the opposite of what someone is expecting can very beneficial.

 

I am glad I have given my opinion. I have no problem Jenny with you (or anyone else) disagreeing what that opinion. This forum is about using it the best way it works for you and in fairness to you, that is exactly what you have been doing. You are weighing up the different opinions and you are following your gut instinct.

 

If you are determined to follow this path, all I ask is you do EVERYTHING in your power not to blow up if he moves out. I hope he doesn't leave and say something like "I am organising a lawyer, you should do the same" because there could be an explosion if this happens. You have done very well Jenny, you really have but you are still a ticking time bomb. That is not a criticism. I would be too.

 

Your right this is a marathon, but its my gut feeling this marathon is going to run a lot longer than 2 months..I think there will be more lows along the way. It's how you cope with these lows, that may determine how successful you are in reconciling in the long run..

Edited March 16, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Its ok if you disagree your only able to give your opinion off what Ive told you. Im sure if you got to sit by and witness you would have few more opinions too. That would be so nice if everyone could actually see it to guess as to what needed to be done.

 

I guess I do think when he goes its over, at least right now. Maybe when or if he moves out I will be more feeling when the papers are served its over. I dunno yet not there. I dont wanna assume I will know how I feel.

 

He has said he will do Divorce stuff when he moves. He said he wont be renewing lease so he must be out by June 14th. So thats that.

 

I really dont want to keep going through this though because its sucking the positive right out of me. Im preparing, as best I can but honestly there is only so much one can do. I dont think you can really prepare for this emotionally till it happens.

 

So Mack.... If you want me to stay positive you gotta get positive here for me too. Youve all had told me your worries and fears for me. I want to try to be positive not unrealistic which i dont think im being at all. Lets face it if John was 100% for divorce and all he could of started it so I have every right to be hopeful.

 

Going forward I just want to be calm do my thing and build on the positive interaction john and i have made. It puts me in the best light

[tojaz]

Jenny, what will you do if limbo continues beyond the lease deadline?

[Mack05]

Ok Jen I see your point. You know my views, so no sense in no banging on about them from here on in.

 

I will try support you, but as you know its essentially just guess work. I think if he already knows that he wants to move on when the lease is up, I think it's so cruel to leave you hanging another 3 months. IMO he should have been out after December if he knew he was leaving. I mean in these circumstances a lease isn't that hard to break.

 

Anyway that's the last negative thing you will hear from me on the topic for awhile..Here is where Tojaz, Gunny, Yas, Toby etc will work much better for you, but I will continue to chip in and will try respect your wishes by keeping it as positive as I can..I still believe it can be saved so I am not being fake, we just disagree on what's the best way forward. Really hope I am wrong..Think everyone else does to.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny, what will you do if limbo continues beyond the lease deadline?

 

What do you mean exactly? Do you mean if he wants to stay on the lease and he hasnt made any move to better our marriage? I am not going to let that happen. If he wants to stay hes going to have to agree to MC.

 

I dont think thats going to happen though. As hes been nice again today hes mentioned hed like an older car as opposed to his truck that is almost paid off. I think thats because both cars our in both our names and he wants out of that