Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Mack- i hope your wrong too lol! No offense. I still feel he is planning to leave just praying hell change his mind.

 

I feel like Im in some strange dream though. Today as soon as he sees me he says hello, he had to go to sears to get tires he left me know he was going and then came back and talked, i went out to lunch and he talked to me before and after it just seems like something has changed all the sudden. I guess im just on guard.

[Yasuandio]

What do you mean exactly? Do you mean if he wants to stay on the lease and he hasnt made any move to better our marriage? I am not going to let that happen. If he wants to stay hes going to have to agree to MC.

 

I dont think thats going to happen though. As hes been nice again today hes mentioned hed like an older car as opposed to his truck that is almost paid off. I think thats because both cars our in both our names and he wants out of that

 

Gee, that doesn't sound very promising. Man, I wouldn't get rid of a truck I just paid off for an older vehicle others have driven. Did he tell you that?

 

That call with the boss you asked advice on Jenny....The content in that question concerned me, just like the information in this post. THe fact he has been embarrased at old job, or and got talked to about this by the boss. And, indeed, if the word has spead about your conduct. Crap. That really bothered me to hear about. Men do not like to be ashamed of their wife. IDK.

 

I see your point in holding out till the lease expires - and demonstrating your best behavior during that period, Jenny. But, as Mack points out, please, if he does take off, don't react or blow-up in dissapointment. You must just accept it as a possibility, or most likely a probability, as he has stated it as an intention.

 

And IF and when he chooses to leave, you must maturely not be surprised, expect it, accept it, and not get angry. If the worse happens and he leaves you (or even files) - that simply puts off the date of separation and space. That's all. It only means you are apart. It doesn't mean it's over yet.

 

[Correct me if I am wrong, Mack, but I think Mack is attempting to sway you into having this time apart sooner rather than later.]

 

It is by your choice to live in limbo, if you can pull it off, all the more power to you (I could not do it - no way). Honey, you MUST be prepared for the outcome either way - and know not to blow-up or do any serious damage to the relationship if it turns out that you are seriously disappointed in the outcome when the lease ends.

 

I know I'm sort of repeating myself, but I want to be really clear. If John does choose to leave you, this will be the most critical time to show your maturity and dignity; because there is a strong chance the relationship may be reconcilable (despite our different viewpoints, all of us believe this is reconcilable). But if you create a disasterious scene or refuse acceptance of his wishes, then, you are pushing him away even farther. You must accept his wishes because that demonstrates that you do love him, and you want him to have his desires fulfilled, and to be happy.

 

If it happens, you will say nothing, "good luck to you," or "I will be glad to help you pack," because it is his choice and you must support it. Then he can find out what life is like without you. No crying, begging, pleading, calling, texting, etc. Plain acceptance, you simply drop the rope, you really have no choice. Even if this happens, I promise you, it is not over until it is over, and then still, sometimes it still isn't over. There are many theraputic methods to apply once apart. The most important thing is NOT to do a huge damage if dissapointment falls upon you after the lease ends. This is when you will need to have the MOST CONTROL.

 

I suggest this as a game plan - for Jenny to be prepared for in her head for the future, in the event of a negative outcome when lease expires. The space will come one way or another if it is meant to be. Like Gunny said, when Jenny gets darn sick of it, she will throw in the towel herself. Anyway, that is my take. I hope these ideass are helpful. And I support you what ever choices you make. You are only a human being. Remember that. Yas

 

Edit: PS I do pray too that John changes his mind. It is worth a shot. Then you know for sure in your heart of hearts you did EVERY POSSIBLE THING, (including living in limbo for a few months), to hold your household and marriage together without separating.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Yasuandio
Added PS

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Gee, that doesn't sound very promising. Man, I wouldn't get rid of a truck I just paid off for an older vehicle others have driven. Did he tell you that?

 

That call with the boss you asked advice on Jenny....The content in that question concerned me, just like the information in this post. THe fact he has been embarrased at old job, or and got talked to about this by the boss. And, indeed, if the word has spead about your conduct. Crap. That really bothered me to hear about. Men do not like to be ashamed of their wife. IDK.

 

I see your point in holding out till the lease expires - and demonstrating your best behavior during that period, Jenny. But, as Mack points out, please, if he does take off, don't react or blow-up in dissapointment. You must just accept it as a possibility, or most likely a probability, as he has stated it as an intention.

 

And IF and when he chooses to leave, you must maturely not be surprised, expect it, accept it, and not get angry. If the worse happens and he leaves you (or even files) - that simply puts off the date of separation and space. That's all. It only means you are apart. It doesn't mean it's over yet.

 

[Correct me if I am wrong, Mack, but I think Mack is attempting to sway you into having this time apart sooner rather than later.]

 

It is by your choice to live in limbo, if you can pull it off, all the more power to you (I could not do it - no way). Honey, you MUST be prepared for the outcome either way - and know not to blow-up or do any serious damage to the relationship if it turns out that you are seriously disappointed in the outcome when the lease ends.

 

I know I'm sort of repeating myself, but I want to be really clear. If John does choose to leave you, this will be the most critical time to show your maturity and dignity; because there is a strong chance the relationship may be reconcilable (despite our different viewpoints, all of us believe this is reconcilable). But if you create a disasterious scene or refuse acceptance of his wishes, then, you are pushing him away even farther. You must accept his wishes because that demonstrates that you do love him, and you want him to have his desires fulfilled, and to be happy.

 

If it happens, you will say nothing, "good luck to you," or "I will be glad to help you pack," because it is his choice and you must support it. Then he can find out what life is like without you. No crying, begging, pleading, calling, texting, etc. Plain acceptance, you simply drop the rope, you really have no choice. Even if this happens, I promise you, it is not over until it is over, and then still, sometimes it still isn't over. There are many theraputic methods to apply once apart. The most important thing is NOT to do a huge damage if dissapointment falls upon you after the lease ends. This is when you will need to have the MOST CONTROL.

 

I suggest this as a game plan - for Jenny to be prepared for in her head for the future, in the event of a negative outcome when lease expires. The space will come one way or another if it is meant to be. Like Gunny said, when Jenny gets darn sick of it, she will throw in the towel herself. Anyway, that is my take. I hope these ideass are helpful. And I support you what ever choices you make. You are only a human being. Remember that. Yas

 

As for the truck, i should clarify, he said hed like to have something older because of the emissions tests and i guess the older cars/trucks dont have as many standards to go by. His truck will be paid off in Nov buts a huge gas gussler and its not new or anything either. Thats all he said he mentioned a suv for $1000 that he saw for sale and mentioned hed like to get one like that again ( he had before his current truck and loved it) and he saidit was better in snow, easier to fix, took less gas, etc.

 

As for the job yeah i dont know what all the people there know but it concerns me hed go back if they all think im a bitch. But im encouraging him to do what he needs to because hes the one that has to work there not me.

 

Yas your always so kind to me too thank you! When the time comes if he does go I will be sad more than mad i think but ill manage. Its hard for me not to think if that as the end though.

 

If only that crystal ball was available!! Lol

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Noteworthy: he seems to be busy getting both cars all fixed up and maintained too. Thats odd cause normally he is not that way. Maybe his first departing sign?

[Mack05]

Yas your always so kind to me too thank you! When the time comes if he does go I will be sad more than mad i think but ill manage. Its hard for me not to think if that as the end though.

 

I know Jenny you will fear its the end, as you know him best. But I tell you something and I speak from experience here. I met my first VERY serious girlfriend at 22 (just gone). We fell very much in love and we stayed together 8 years (had one year apart).

 

So I was single at 25 and we got back together till I was 30. We broke up for good when I was 30. Now it was the right to do. She was an absolute b!tch to me for the last year of the relationship. I tell you being single in your mid 20's, compared to 30's is not a world of difference. It's a Galaxy!

 

I hated it! All my friends settling down. You go to a club you feel like you are 10 years to late for the prom. I was so lonely I nearly went back to her. I missed her TERRIBLY and she was a total b!tch. In the end thankfully I didn't, cause I knew how bad she was for me.

 

I really struggled with that loneliness. Started over eating, over drinking and gambling. It is f*&k**g horrible. I paid a huge price for not dealing with my emotions in the correct way.

 

Now I don't believe for a second that John will be the idiot that I was, but I KNOW he will miss you like crazy if/when he leaves. It is such a shock. That 'safe' feeling you had is gone and the world will seem to have moved on without him. There is a vulnerability you experience. that has never been encountered before. I know John and I are different people, but emotions are emotions. I can see a type of situation where he is out having a beer with a mate. The anger has well subsided. His mate saying to him "so you left a marriage for that! Are you kidding me!"

 

I don't believe from the way you describe John, that he is the type to rebound. Therefore he will have to confront and deal with that loneliness. If he is not 100% sure leaving the marriage was best, I would strongly suggest he will break NC and try talk to you. This could be when the door will be slightly ajar. Just try delay divorce proceedings as long as you can. He may use this to keep busy, to help him avoid dealing with the grief/loneliness. Try be helpful with him, but drag your feet at the same time.

 

I agree with Yas in that I couldn't live in limbo any longer. You have decided thats the path you want to take. No worries. The key thing is to keep cool. Let me tell you why. If you explode at him as he is leaving, this will feed his righteous anger. Every time he misses you he will recall the negative things to get him through the lonely periods. If his last memory of you is with tears in your eyes telling him softly that you love him, that is an image that will be VERY hard for him to move past.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Mack05

[tojaz]

What do you mean exactly? Do you mean if he wants to stay on the lease and he hasnt made any move to better our marriage? I am not going to let that happen. If he wants to stay hes going to have to agree to MC.

 

I dont think thats going to happen though. As hes been nice again today hes mentioned hed like an older car as opposed to his truck that is almost paid off. I think thats because both cars our in both our names and he wants out of that

 

No Jenny, I mean you wait until lease is up and nothing changes, no formal declaration of wishing to stay, but makes no mention of leaving.

 

You see Jenny, while your here and waiting for him to do something.....he's not doing anything and you have been doing many things to work on yourself i that time, but you also seem like your waiting for the clouds to part and that ray of sunshine to come down and illuminate what it is that your supposed to do because you fear taking a risk. SO you look for signs in every action he takes hoping that it will give you a cue. So you hang a lot of meaning on him fixing cars, picking up dinner or what leg he puts through his pants first. What if there's no higher meaning to it though.

 

So I'm asking hypothetic, that if you decide to wait out the clock and the lease comes due, you sign and take his name off, but he's still there and just makes no move at all and just lets it pass, or sets another excuse to wait... can't find a place, needs to save $$$, settle in new job first, etc. What do you do then? Do you throw him out because the "clock" has hit zero? Do you live in an undefined relationship until it becomes more convenient for him to go then stay?

 

I know that last sentence sounds harsh, and i don't really intend it to be, but you seem to be losing that proactive attitude. Rather then "standing" I see you being very content in "waiting" and trying very hard to make a feast out of crumbs.I get waiting and keeping the peace, but if the reward for waiting is going to be more waiting or worse, your going to want this time back. I'm not saying to do anything, I just want to try and get a feel for what your next move is.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

No Jenny, I mean you wait until lease is up and nothing changes, no formal declaration of wishing to stay, but makes no mention of leaving.

 

You see Jenny, while your here and waiting for him to do something.....he's not doing anything and you have been doing many things to work on yourself i that time, but you also seem like your waiting for the clouds to part and that ray of sunshine to come down and illuminate what it is that your supposed to do because you fear taking a risk. SO you look for signs in every action he takes hoping that it will give you a cue. So you hang a lot of meaning on him fixing cars, picking up dinner or what leg he puts through his pants first. What if there's no higher meaning to it though.

 

So I'm asking hypothetic, that if you decide to wait out the clock and the lease comes due, you sign and take his name off, but he's still there and just makes no move at all and just lets it pass, or sets another excuse to wait... can't find a place, needs to save $$$, settle in new job first, etc. What do you do then? Do you throw him out because the "clock" has hit zero? Do you live in an undefined relationship until it becomes more convenient for him to go then stay?

 

I know that last sentence sounds harsh, and i don't really intend it to be, but you seem to be losing that proactive attitude. Rather then "standing" I see you being very content in "waiting" and trying very hard to make a feast out of crumbs.I get waiting and keeping the peace, but if the reward for waiting is going to be more waiting or worse, your going to want this time back. I'm not saying to do anything, I just want to try and get a feel for what your next move is.

 

TOJAZ

 

Please know Im not just waiting for the clouds to part! I feel like everybody is ganging up on me AGAIN! As if people think Im dumb and waiting on a miracle. My next move is i have no next move! Im taking things one day at a time. I cant say how I will feel tomorrow or the next day.

 

What is the difference between standing for my marriage and waiting? I want my marriage! Im being patient with John because I love him and I think he needs time to get over the hurt. I dont think everyone gets over things in a time frame some need time. I think he does feel like I cheated. So am i standing for my marriage? Yes! Does that mean i am also waiting to see if things get better? Yes! In doing so Im also beggining to act like myself again.

 

Nothing I have done sonce this started has been like me. All the crazy things I did and etc well those only pushed him further.

 

Nobody on here knows if things will be different but everyone is starting to want me to ask what am i going to do and etc and I dont know. I will worry with that later. Im just trying to build back positive interaction with John in hopes we can commuincate again and reconcile this marriage. Maybe you all think Im crazy or wrong.

 

As long as Im working my best to save this marriage, even if its not saved I wont want the time back! Ill know i gave it my all as long as I could.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Jennyfromtheblick

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Tojaz- i'm confused has your stance with john and i changed?

[Gunny376]

Perhaps you''ve posted it, and I missed it? But personality wise? How would you describe John. Is he shy, verbal, non-verbal, shy, bashful, emotionally open with you but 'closed' to others, etc. Is he easily to embarass, passive-aggressive?

 

Just trying to get a 'feel' and better understanding of his "Personality?"

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Perhaps you''ve posted it, and I missed it? But personality wise? How would you describe John. Is he shy, verbal, non-verbal, shy, bashful, emotionally open with you but 'closed' to others, etc. Is he easily to embarass, passive-aggressive?

 

Just trying to get a 'feel' and better understanding of his "Personality?"

 

John is very smart, not shy but private about personal issues: he doesnt like to talk to people about his problems. He only really ever talked to me about problems. Not easy to embarass he likes to joke but can be serious a lot. He is a tough guy with most people but was a teddy bear with me. He is not afraid to speak the truth or his mind he typically doesn't care what people think. He is very honest and very moral and loyal. Kinda of proud guy but would help anyone

[tojaz]

Tojaz- i'm confused has your stance with john and i changed?

 

Jenny, I'm not trying to gang up on you, like I said, I was asking about your next move because I think that it is something that has been gotten away from. I'm not trying to imply a time frame or trying to rush you, but as posters here, we need all the information we can get in order to be of much use to you. So asking questions, gauging your response etc. is all part of the process. "I don't know what my next move is" is a perfectly valid and understandable answer.

 

My stance hasn't changed, and don't let my previous post make you think I'm not happy with how well you have been doing at working on the interaction with John.

 

With our talk about being stuck in limbo, my interpretation of some of Johns actions has changed somewhat though and you have a pretty good handle on what is happening now, that has lead me to think that we should at least talk about what will come next.... besides, had I come here when you first posted and suggested you just worry about it later, I doubt you'd still be talking to me!

 

I think everyone wants to worry about what comes next so that when YOU are ready for it, there is something in place. Discussing it here today doesn't mean it has to be done tomorrow.

 

I hope that clears things up, so just let us know how you want us to proceed.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny, I'm not trying to gang up on you, like I said, I was asking about your next move because I think that it is something that has been gotten away from. I'm not trying to imply a time frame or trying to rush you, but as posters here, we need all the information we can get in order to be of much use to you. So asking questions, gauging your response etc. is all part of the process. "I don't know what my next move is" is a perfectly valid and understandable answer.

 

My stance hasn't changed, and don't let my previous post make you think I'm not happy with how well you have been doing at working on the interaction with John.

 

With our talk about being stuck in limbo, my interpretation of some of Johns actions has changed somewhat though and you have a pretty good handle on what is happening now, that has lead me to think that we should at least talk about what will come next.... besides, had I come here when you first posted and suggested you just worry about it later, I doubt you'd still be talking to me!

 

I think everyone wants to worry about what comes next so that when YOU are ready for it, there is something in place. Discussing it here today doesn't mean it has to be done tomorrow.

 

I hope that clears things up, so just let us know how you want us to proceed.

 

TOJAZ

 

Yes that clears it up! I thought you were mad at me!

 

Honestly I just want my husband back and everything Ive done hasnt worked. Mostly all Ive done was cry, beg, nag and argue. And then I did letters, texts, and those few days I left. Thats why Im trying this being nice but not to nice and just being agreeable, though funny thing in being agreeable he is still wanting my opinion.

[tojaz]

Yes that clears it up! I thought you were mad at me!

MAD? heck Jenny, I wasn't even mad at Mack!

 

 

though funny thing in being agreeable he is still wanting my opinion.

 

I think thats the thing we need to try to build off of right there, what kind of things does he want your opinion on?

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

MAD? heck Jenny, I wasn't even mad at Mack!

 

 

 

 

I think thats the thing we need to try to build off of right there, what kind of things does he want your opinion on?

 

TOJAZ

 

Stuff that I know nothing about like brakes for the car. He said Jen, I can get these or these or these! Then there were prices! he talked to me to about his job today but didnt ask my opinion. He just seems so different and though i dont want to get my hopes up he seems like he cares a tiny bit more than a week ago.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He even joked a bit with me today. :-)

[Mack05]

Jenny there is no one ganging up on you. I may disagree with other posters but I know they want what is best for you. I think Tojaz makes a good point on having a plan. Sometimes it's great to have more then one plan.

 

I think Jenny you are fighting so hard and wanting to reconcile so bad that you don't want to hear negative things about your husband. I can totally understand that, but try for a second view this as a neutral person who is not Jenny.

 

As a neutral a lot of this come down to accountability and decisiveness. I have no problem with John saying I no longer want to stay in the marriage and then quickly leaving. If he can't overcome the mistake, then I can't be overly critical.

 

The issue I have with him is he telling you he that is leaving, but seemingly only when the lease is up (which was months down the line). This sends out mixed messages. I mean if a person is sure they want to leave a marriage, why spend an extra six months with your spouse? It makes no logical sense.

 

Telling your partner you are leaving and want a divorce, should not be said lightly. It shouldn't be said because you are angry, hurt and lashing out. If you are leaving a marriage this needs to be carefully thought out, because once you say those words its very hard to come back from.

 

Once he made this choice, he needed to leave the house. If he wasn't sure he should't have opened his mouth about divorce. This is very immature behaviour. Not only that it is VERY unfair to you.

 

People need to be held accountable for what they say and their actions. If it were me and my wife said those things, I would ask her to leave sooner rather than later. It's her bed and she made it. This is why 'divorce' and 'leaving' need to be carefully considered before they are mentioned.

 

Making excuses for him saying he is hurt IMO is just not good enough. If he leaves in June, he will have put you through sooooo much. It will hit you very hard if he does leave, because the question you will keep asking yourself is "why on earth didn't John leave quickly, once he knew he longer saw a future for us". Six months of false hope, ups and downs will all have been for nothing.

 

I think right now Jenny your boundaries are not firm enough. If he says he is leaving then he needs to leave. Yes it hurts terribly, but nothing compared to what it will feel like in June. To me it's like he has made up his mind, but leaving doesn't fit into his schedule right now! I would love to know if even once has he considered his wife's feelings during all this mess? Cause if he has, he should either tell her he wants to try work it out or bloody leave! Anything else is simply not good enough.

 

There is also a trust issue if he does stay. I mean the next time you guys have problems does he mention divorce again? That is for another day.

 

I know you want positivity and going forward I will try to give it. Please don't view this as ganging up. It's not Jenny. It's concern. When you see someone you like seemingly heading towards a crash, you want to do everything in your power to stop this from happening.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny there is no one ganging up on you. I may disagree with other posters but I know they want what is best for you. I think Tojaz makes a good point on having a plan. Sometimes it's great to have more then one plan.

 

I think Jenny you are fighting so hard and wanting to reconcile so bad that you don't want to hear negative things about your husband. I can totally understand that, but try for a second view this as a neutral person who is not Jenny.

 

As a neutral a lot of this come down to accountability and decisiveness. I have no problem with John saying I no longer want to stay in the marriage and then quickly leaving. If he can't overcome the mistake, then I can't be overly critical.

 

The issue I have with him, is he telling you he is leaving, but seemingly only when the lease is up (which was months down the line). This sends out mixed messages. I mean if a person is sure they want to leave a marriage, why spend an extra six months with your spouse? It makes no logical sense.

 

Telling your partner you are leaving and want a divorce, should not be said lightly. It shouldn't be said because you are angry and lashing out. If you are leaving a marriage this needs to be carefully thought out, because once you say those words its very hard to come back from.

 

Once he made this choice, he needed to leave the house. If he wasn't sure he should't have opened his mouth about divorce. This is very immature behaviour. Not only that it is VERY unfair to you.

 

People need to be held accountable for what they say and their actions. If it were me and my wife said those things, I would ask her to leave sooner rather than later. It's her bed and she made it. This is why 'divorce' and 'leaving' need to be carefully considered before they are mentioned.

 

Making excuses for him saying he is hurt IMO is just not good enough. If he leaves in June, he will have put you through sooooo much. It will hit you very hard if he does leave, because the question you will keep asking yourself is "why on earth didn't John leave quickly, once he knew he longer saw a future for us". Six months of false hope, ups and downs will all have been for nothing.

 

I think right now Jenny your boundaries are not firm enough. If he says he is leaving then he needs to leave. Yes it hurts terribly but nothing compared to what it will feel like in June. To me it's like he has made up his mind, but leaving doesn't fit into his schedule right now! I would love to know if even once has he considered his wife's feelings during all this mess? Cause if he has, he should either tell her he wants to try work it out of bloody leave! Anything else is simply not good enough.

 

There is also a trust issue if he does stay. I mean the next time you guys have problems does he mention divorce again? That is for another day.

 

I know you want positivity and going forward I will try to give it. Please don't view this as ganging up. It's not Jenny. It's concern. When you see someone you like seemingly heading towards a crash, you want to do everything in your power to stop this from happening.

 

Well in those views then Im just as doomed! My actions and the things Ive said and done are no better! I went behind his back, lied essentialy, betrayed his trust and then the things ive said havent been nice either. I too said divorce!

 

And your right people should not say those things lightly. Its not just me sticking up for him as me saying weve both made huge mistakes.

 

I agree he should of left when he said he wanted out and most would leave, heck I would. Maybe thats where the bit if hope comes in. And honestly Im glad he hasnt left.

[Mack05]

Well in those views then Im just as doomed! My actions and the things Ive said and done are no better! I went behind his back, lied essentialy, betrayed his trust and then the things ive said havent been nice either. I too said divorce!

 

And your right people should not say those things lightly. Its not just me sticking up for him as me saying weve both made huge mistakes.

 

I agree he should of left when he said he wanted out and most would leave, heck I would. Maybe thats where the bit if hope comes in. And honestly Im glad he hasnt left.

 

If he agrees to try again, no one will be happier then me. I love being proved wrong in situations like this. It makes the world a more hopeful and less cynical place.

 

While I still feel he hasn't been fair to you, it would still be so awesome if he did stay and you guys went to counselling.

 

I guess all I can do is be here if there is a crash and let others keep boosting you up. Just please try not blow up Jen at any stage. That is all I ask of you..

[Jennyfromtheblick]

If he agrees to try again, no one will be happier then me. I love being proved wrong in situations like this. It makes the world a more hopeful and less cynical place.

 

While I still feel he hasn't been fair to you, it would still be so awesome if he did stay and you guys went to counselling.

 

I guess all I can do is be here if there is a crash and let others keep boosting you up. Just please try not blow up Jen at any stage. That is all I ask of you..

 

Ok That I can agree with!!

[LaBa]

While I think its absolutely amazing that you fight for your marriage, reading this tread one thought doesn't leave my mind so I will just voice it:

Could there be a possibility that he somewhere deep inside wanted to leave this marriage but had no good reason and when this happened his prayers were answered? And he is now holding on to this as a straw since he probably knows he wouldn't get next reason for very long time if not ever?

I honestly am in disbelieve that this would be a deal breaker for long, happy marriage.....

 

In the case he wanted to leave the marriage this is win-win for him - it's not his fault since you f**** up and he leaves without a scratch leaving you feeling guilty.

Edited March 16, 2013 by LaBa

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Honestly I really doubt that but it raises a good point. We had a solid marriage. He was a awesome husband if anything I may not have appreciated him as much as he did me. We were getting ready to start a family he was so ready and excited.

 

The odd thing is my brother said hed leave me too :'-( he is pretty much a you cheat or lie your gone! On the otherhand his friends and MOST of his family thinks he should get over it!

[Mack05]

Honestly I really doubt that but it raises a good point. We had a solid marriage. He was a awesome husband if anything I may not have appreciated him as much as he did me. We were getting ready to start a family he was so ready and excited.

 

The odd thing is my brother said hed leave me too :'-( he is pretty much a you cheat or lie your gone! On the otherhand his friends and MOST of his family thinks he should get over it!

 

Jenny you say John is a private guy, so why do so many people know what's happened here?

 

Also which family member of his thinks he shouldn't go back? Just wondering out loud would this be less of an issue if people didn't know?

[Yasuandio]

While I think its absolutely amazing that you fight for your marriage, reading this tread one thought doesn't leave my mind so I will just voice it:

Could there be a possibility that he somewhere deep inside wanted to leave this marriage but had no good reason and when this happened his prayers were answered? And he is now holding on to this as a straw since he probably knows he wouldn't get next reason for very long time if not ever?

I honestly am in disbelieve that this would be a deal breaker for long, happy marriage.....

 

In the case he wanted to leave the marriage this is win-win for him - it's not his fault since you f**** up and he leaves without a scratch leaving you feeling guilty.

 

Cosmos interviewed men asking them about their break-ups with women. 100% of men stated they knew they were going to break up ahead of time. Specific reasons given for time delay were:

 

1. Wanted to maked sure it was the right decision.

 

2. They were not too anxious to give up the sex.

 

3. They didn't look forward to hurting the girl.

 

4. They wanted to absolve themselves of the responsibility for the break-up by getting partner to do it for them.

 

Subjects in study may have one or more of these reasons in mind for delay. Accordingly, man has time to prepare himself, it is easy for him to cut ties and jump right into dating. In the meantime, the woman is having a tramatic meltdown. Very sad, but likely honest data content.

 

I don't know Ms. LaBa's topic relates to Jenny. She will know the state of affairs in her marriage just before this internet event. That is what I would study carefully before I made any such assumption.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Yasuandio

[tojaz]

Stuff that I know nothing about like brakes for the car. He said Jen, I can get these or these or these! Then there were prices! he talked to me to about his job today but didnt ask my opinion. He just seems so different and though i dont want to get my hopes up he seems like he cares a tiny bit more than a week ago.

 

Ok Jenny, thinking out loud here so to speak..

 

From what you've told us, it seems like he seems to get uncomfortable talking about the marriage one way or another, be it you trying to coax him to stay or trying to facilitate his exit and he seems the most comfortable when things are calm and civil but ambiguous between the two of you, as in limbo.

 

Based on what you said above, It seems like he still values you in his life, he values your opinion and has good interaction with you so long as you don't push the issue of the divorce.

 

Being straightforward with him hasn't helped much and has pushed him back at times, and being aggressive has resulted in an aggressive response.

 

So going off of the "status quo" situation and some of what Mack has said about encouraging an emotional response from him but all the while protecting your interaction.

 

Using what you posted above as an example, what if when he came and asked you about the brakes you had pleasantly replied with something along the lines of "I guess I'm going to have to learn about this stuff" Implying that he won't be around the next time you need brakes and then just go on about your business. Its a relatively safe statement that doesn't blatantly drag him to the subject, but it brings it to the front of his mind subtly. Something like that can plant a seed for him to think about when he's not feeling a need to defend himself.

 

Well timed, a similar statement can play off of the contradictions between his words and his actions. Like him discussing his options for a different vehicle in the future when his angry words stated that you wouldn't be present for that decision to effect you (sorry if that stung a little). Say by mentioning that without a car payment he would have more for rent.

 

While not risk free, it does help to minimize and protect that good interaction. It would pretty much have to be as opportunities presented themselves, but subtle reminders can make the situation "real" for him without being as assertive and high risk as trying to sign him off the lease and if he reacted poorly it could be explained away fairly easily as you just trying to wrap your head around the idea. Thoughts?

 

TOJAZ

[Yasuandio]

I like Tojaz' idea. I just would keep it subtle. For example, if he's talking about the cars, the answer response suggested by Tojaz is not so blatent - "Oh, yes, I better start learning about these things!"

 

(On a sad note, this may be the actual reason he is sharing this "masculine" type of information with you suddenly, and making changes in the vechicles as well, in order to emancipate you. I would be careless if I did not mention that point.).

 

Now making a statement about how the sale of the vehicle is going to help him with the rent, that's really in his face! Nothing suble about that. Again, as I have said before, if you ask for something you might get it. So, if you ask this question at this point in time, be prepared for whatever response you're going to get - and PLAN not to REACT WTH ANGER (because you knew the risk before you asked).

 

The riskier statement is not unlike having "the move-out slash divorce talk" at the table - it is just more creative - and less confrontation. If Jenny likes it, and can keep her cool, I think it is a heck of a lot better than any serious talk. And implies mature acceptance, rather than hysteria. Therefore, she has accomplished one of the goals of separation without leaving (if she can handle the negative response should they come her way). I like it.

Edited March 17, 2013 by Yasuandio