Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I like it!

 

I wouldn't expect him to say anything, but puzzled means he's thinking about it, and that's what were going for. Well done!

 

TOJAZ

 

Lol he carried it in when I got home anyway :-)

[tojaz]

Lol he carried it in when I got home anyway :-)

 

good man!

[TobyBoy]

Jenny.....what I was trying to get at was that those same thought processes that got you here....still remain. They don't change overnight and you can't fake them for long either! It takes lots of work, but the rewards are so much worth it.

 

Take care Jen.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Another positive, peaceful day!

 

Aside from whatelse I posted today John has been doing his old routine today. He hasnt done this in months. Just stuff around house. He also took my car for drive to air up tires and I was napping so he actually came in room and shook my foot to wake me up to tell me he was going. Then a minute later he came back and asked if I needed anything or wanted anything. I am just shocked he touched me at all... Lol

 

When he was folding his clothes he actually stayed in our room with me and folded them and put them away. The last few months he would take them in spare room to fold or whereever i wasnt. He also would wait till i left kitchen (our kitchen is small) before hed go in. Little things like that as if he was scared to be to close. Today while i was making dinner he came in.

All small nothings but these are things ive noticed changing.

 

He thanked me for dinner and cleaned up the leftovers and dishes so i thanked him and he again thanked me for dinner! Lol

 

Just glad for the good

[Mack05]

I know john is a simple man and the women Ive been he doesnt like he liked the girl he married, the one i was before this. The one who didnt obsess over every move he made, the one who smiled, the one who spoke her mind etc.

 

I dont think john ever wanted to divorce but i think how i have reacted ( he even said this) has put him off and i was acting like a crazy doing things left and right so different then the jen he knew. Starting with the emails. It all through him for a loop and lets face it he isnt to keen on that jen, neither was i. I was miserable. I even ignored the dog!

 

It may be to late, maybe the damage is done. But he coukd definately change his mind in a day or a week or in 3mths especially if im myself and acting like a normal 33 year old instead of a depressed nasty bitter brat. If me being me isnt what he wants then its his loss. But really anything is possible and if nothing else i missed me!

 

Im sleeping better, im not snapping at people, im able to smile again im starting to enjoy my life again.

 

Mack lets face it not everything in life has to make sense! I know you dont want me to set myself up for heartbreak but i also dont want to set myself up for 2 mths more of hell. I want peace. I need peace. One day at a time im not going to waste my time planning my marriage funeral

 

Another great post Jenny and I agree with a lot of it. I know you blame 'the mistake' and then your behaviour after the mistake for the mess your marriage is now in. I don't. I blame it for maybe 50%. The other 50% or so is on John IMO. There are three things he has severely lacked throughout this whole ordeal.

 

Compassion, Empathy and Forgiveness. Three key attributes (amongst many) that is needed in a marriage.

 

I'm glad you are feeling better. It hope the positivity gets better and better I'm just glad it wasn't me he woke by shaking my foot. If he did he might have got a foot to the head . Joey doesn't share food, Mack doesn't do wake up calls

[Jennyfromtheblick]

 

Compassion, Empathy and Forgiveness. Three key attributes (amongst many) that is needed in a marriage.

[\QUOTE]

 

I agree those are needed. I wouldnt of married him if he was missing those and I certainly wouldnt fight for our marriage if he was a cold jerk lacking so many needed qualities. He still has those he just has buried them behind his feelings. Im hoping they are slowly resurfacing.

[Mack05]

It's easy to have great attributes when things are going well. IMO Its when things are not going well and you show these attributes, that's what makes the measure of a man.

 

I really hope you are right on this one Jenny. If you are, I for one will have learnt an awful amount from you and others on the thread. In fact I will have learnt more on this thread, then all the others combined. It will show me that there are other ways to do things and maybe I am not as smart as I believe myself to be on these types of situations/scenario's.

 

Go team Jenny, I am cheering you on...

[Jennyfromtheblick]

It's easy to have great attributes when things are going well. IMO Its when things are not going well and you show these attributes, that's what makes the measure of a man.

 

I really hope you are right on this one Jenny. If you are, I for one will have learnt an awful amount from you and others on the thread. In fact I will have learnt more on this thread, then all the others combined. It will show me that there are other ways to do things and maybe I am not as smart as I believe myself to be on these types of situations/scenario's.

 

Go team Jenny, I am cheering you on...

 

Hes had those traits all aling tbrough good and bad but this by far short of family death has been the worst time and he has brushed those good traits aside so it will need to be adressed cause going forward i dont want to worry everytime i upset him hes going to act this way.

 

Be easy on yourself life is a lesson there will always be something to learn your very smart!!

[tojaz]

Hes had those traits all aling tbrough good and bad but this by far short of family death has been the worst time and he has brushed those good traits aside so it will need to be adressed cause going forward i dont want to worry everytime i upset him hes going to act this way.

 

Be easy on yourself life is a lesson there will always be something to learn your very smart!!

 

Extreme situations usually provoke extreme responses, that's why context is so important. To someone on the outside looking in, Johns behavior seems extremely cold and heartless and yes, abusive at times and it takes a lot of perspective to not just label him by his recent actions but to look and ask why he is acting that way. While obviously not as noble, the mindset is similar to a peaceful man willing to resort to violence to defend his home or an honest man willing to steal to feed his family. John himself would probably have completely rejected the notion he could behave like this a year ago and I'm hoping he will feel that way again a year from now.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ok please feel free to let me know if I'm being silly or petty. John was late coming home because he was going to old job to talk to old boss! I was annoyed cause I had dinner ready for 5:30 and he didnt get home till 6:45pm Im annoyed cause I feel like he shoukd of texted me on his way home but he didnt.

 

Next annoying thing is when he gets home hes super chatty but its all about him him him! He just went on and on all about his work and what the old boss said and every detail about some math equation he had given the kids today! I just felt like screaming. Normally he would always tell me long stories but hed ask about my day.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm so glad hes talking now as opposed to how he was BUT bummed he is being selfish. Or am I being selfish? Maybe Im expecting to much to soon? Or maybe just to much period!

 

Ok all done venting

[tojaz]

Ok please feel free to let me know if I'm being silly or petty. John was late coming home because he was going to old job to talk to old boss! I was annoyed cause I had dinner ready for 5:30 and he didnt get home till 6:45pm Im annoyed cause I feel like he shoukd of texted me on his way home but he didnt.

 

Next annoying thing is when he gets home hes super chatty but its all about him him him! He just went on and on all about his work and what the old boss said and every detail about some math equation he had given the kids today! I just felt like screaming. Normally he would always tell me long stories but hed ask about my day.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm so glad hes talking now as opposed to how he was BUT bummed he is being selfish. Or am I being selfish? Maybe Im expecting to much to soon? Or maybe just to much period!

 

Ok all done venting

 

Well Jenny, see my last post about context because I think that applies here as well.

 

Not to say that you don't have a right to be annoyed... and yes it is selfish, but on the road your walking right now theres all kinds of pitfalls and a million different things that can go wrong and only a handful of things that can go right, so i would just say to be lenient on the things you let gnaw at you.

 

Did you happen to let him know that you wished he would have texted? If so, how did that go?

 

TOJAZ

[Yasuandio]

Ok please feel free to let me know if I'm being silly or petty. John was late coming home because he was going to old job to talk to old boss! I was annoyed cause I had dinner ready for 5:30 and he didnt get home till 6:45pm Im annoyed cause I feel like he shoukd of texted me on his way home but he didnt.

 

Next annoying thing is when he gets home hes super chatty but its all about him him him! He just went on and on all about his work and what the old boss said and every detail about some math equation he had given the kids today! I just felt like screaming. Normally he would always tell me long stories but hed ask about my day.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm so glad hes talking now as opposed to how he was BUT bummed he is being selfish. Or am I being selfish? Maybe Im expecting to much to soon? Or maybe just to much period!

 

Ok all done venting

 

 

Honey, firstly, you are not being silly or petty. The feeling you feel is completely normal. You are not at all selfish to want to share your day as well.

 

Let's examine why you seem to be a bit hot agitated (OMG, understandably, my dear).

 

Man has been withdrawn approaching six months. Says he is going to divorce you in near future. Says he is going to not renew lease in his name. Sleeps in different bedroom. No relations.

 

Now on the other hand, helps bring in groceries, makes small talk. Fixes your car, discusses brake options, again, small talk. Shakes your little foot while your napping - to check in, see if ya need something from the store (right), now comes and talks about his new teaching position and math equasion he is teaching some brat - like who cares? Right?

 

Don't you have more more important things on your mind, like your effing future? The end of your marriage according to his mercy? How you are going to drag the H2O bottle into the house?

 

Listen girl. How can you not feel confused? This man comes in sharing his day with you like everything is normal, naturally, you are walking on eggshells and don't dare point out "that you have a life too."

 

OK. Here's what it means. This is the path you have chosen. You have to button your lip, that is the nice way to say it. And feel encouraged that John has graced you with conversation. HE IS SPEAKING TO YOU. That is considered progress - with the path you have chosen. And you kept your cool - you came here and said - "darn it, it seems like it is all about him!"

 

You passed with flying colors honey! You didn't blow. You sucked it up. Bravo!!!!!!!! How does it feel? Yas

 

PS You know me, this post is like a loaded gun, but it is meant with good faith intentions. OK, all done venting.

Edited March 19, 2013 by Yasuandio
Edit: A PS reminder.

[Mack05]

If this happens again Jenny just wait for him fo finish talking and say "My day was good too" and smile. Go out then a make a cup of coffee. This will get your point across without rocking the boat.

 

Although maybe its a good thing he didn't ask..

 

John: So Jenny how was you day?

Jenny: Ok I guess. Mack is annoying the **** out of me on Loveshack.

John: Who? Where is this now?

Jenny: Never mind

 

:-)

Edited March 19, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Well Jenny, see my last post about context because I think that applies here as well.

 

Not to say that you don't have a right to be annoyed... and yes it is selfish, but on the road your walking right now theres all kinds of pitfalls and a million different things that can go wrong and only a handful of things that can go right, so i would just say to be lenient on the things you let gnaw at you.

 

Did you happen to let him know that you wished he would have texted? If so, how did that go?

 

TOJAZ

 

No I didnt let him know! I really had no way of knowing how long it would take but just thought hed be done by 5:30. Now his old job is 20+ miles away and it was snowing and freezing rain here but a text would if been nice.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Honey, firstly, you are not being silly or petty. The feeling you feel is completely normal. You are not at all selfish to want to share your day as well.

 

Let's examine why you seem to be a bit hot agitated (OMG, understandably, my dear).

 

Man has been withdrawn approaching six months. Says he is going to divorce you in near future. Says he is going to not renew lease in his name. Sleeps in different bedroom. No relations.

 

Now on the other hand, helps bring in groceries, makes small talk. Fixes your car, discusses brake options, again, small talk. Shakes your little foot while your napping - to check in, see if ya need something from the store (right), now comes and talks about his new teaching position and math equasion he is teaching some brat - like who cares? Right?

 

Don't you have more more important things on your mind, like your effing future? The end of your marriage according to his mercy? How you are going to drag the H2O bottle into the house?

 

Listen girl. How can you not feel confused? This man comes in sharing his day with you like everything is normal, naturally, you are walking on eggshells and don't dare point out "that you have a life too."

 

OK. Here's what it means. This is the path you have chosen. You have to button your lip, that is the nice way to say it. And feel encouraged that John has graced you with conversation. HE IS SPEAKING TO YOU. That is considered progress - with the path you have chosen. And you kept your cool - you came here and said - "darn it, it seems like it is all about him!"

 

You passed with flying colors honey! You didn't blow. You sucked it up. Bravo!!!!!!!! How does it feel? Yas

 

PS You know me, this post is like a loaded gun, but it is meant with good faith intentions. OK, all done venting.

 

You nailed it! Better to post here then let him see me sweat! Ugh he did ask me one question. How are the breaks? I said fine cause i honestly cant tell they were replaced or were even bad so umm yeah they are fine. He also squeezed in a thank you for dinner in there.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

If this happens again Jenny just wait for him fo finish talking and say "My day was good too" and smile. Go out then a make a cup of coffee. This will get your point across without rocking the boat.

 

Although maybe its a good thing he didn't ask..

 

John: So Jenny how was you day?

Jenny: Ok I guess. Mack is annoying the **** out of me on Loveshack.

John: Who? Where is this now?

Jenny: Never mind

 

:-)

 

Lmao to funny but not true!!! Your not annoying me! You may be right and im wasting my time because hes leaving me anyway. Thats how i feel right now in this moment

[Mack05]

Lmao to funny but not true!!! Your not annoying me! You may be right and im wasting my time because hes leaving me anyway. Thats how i feel right now in this moment

 

Jenny we may sometimes disagree on the way forward, but I will always believe this marriage can be saved. You feel/hope he will come to his senses while in the house. I think he will come to his senses with a shock to the system while you are apart.

 

I will it's best to try get clear and concise communication going, you feel it's best to be patient and just go with the flow. You know him best so you are doing the right thing.

 

There is no right or wrong here. I think there are potential problems with both ideas. Say my reading of this scenario is wrong and you try to open things up. He may react very negatively to this and this may pull you both further apart. I would actually expect this, but sometimes you have to lose before you can win.

 

Say you continue on this course and he leaves in June, then IMO it's been a waste of 3 valuable, crucial months. I do worry about the aftermath if this happens. I can't see how you don't explode in this scenario.

 

I guess you think that peace and status quo is good. I don't believe it is..I'd rather know exactly where I stand and work on a strategy(s) from there.

 

Anyway you are doing it your way and that is the correct way. You are doing great. The big tests are still to come. Just keep venting here and keep your cool in front of him.

Edited March 19, 2013 by Mack05

[imtooconfused]

OK. Here's what it means. This is the path you have chosen. You have to button your lip, that is the nice way to say it. And feel encouraged that John has graced you with conversation. HE IS SPEAKING TO YOU. That is considered progress - with the path you have chosen. And you kept your cool - you came here and said - "darn it, it seems like it is all about him!"

 

Right... Jennyfromtheblick, you have a reasonable need to express your feelings. But in order to achieve what you want, for now, it would be best not to express those feelings directly AT your husband. It was wise to vent on LS than at him. If you really feel like he is changing from the way he has been over the last 5 months, instead of feeling dejected that you were ignored you might feel appreciative that at least he's talking, whether you express that thankfulness to him or not. Progress is being made.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Right... Jennyfromtheblick, you have a reasonable need to express your feelings. But in order to achieve what you want, for now, it would be best not to express those feelings directly AT your husband. It was wise to vent on LS than at him. If you really feel like he is changing from the way he has been over the last 5 months, instead of feeling dejected that you were ignored you might feel appreciative that at least he's talking, whether you express that thankfulness to him or not. Progress is being made.

 

Yeah your right I should just be glad at least hes speaking!

 

I think I got my hopes up on the past week and our interactions! I may be reading to much into him being civil, its possible it means nothing other than being civil.

 

I feel bad today because I was getting hopeful! I feel like a idiot. I also feel a little bitter towards John.

 

I need to pick myself up cause right now I feel like going home throwing on the sweats and crawling in bed.

Edited March 19, 2013 by Jennyfromtheblick

[Mack05]

I need to pick myself up cause right now I feel like going home throwing on the sweats and crawling in bed.

 

Jen I'd rather you make an effort (i.e. look good). Maybe get some fresh air and walk the dog and shower when you get home. Don't get dolled up to the nines, but look as good as you can in casual wear. For the reminder of the evening stay in the living room. If John is there, he is there. Play with the dog. In front of John, make fun of the dog for gaining weight (even though he/she hasn't) and laugh. He needs to remember fun, cool Jenny.

 

Say you don't feel like cooking and you are ordering your fav takeout and offer some to him. Have a glass of wine and offer him one (or a beer). Do what you have been doing and let him lead the way chat wise. If he doesn't ask about your day, either do what I said above OR just start talking about your day if there is a quiet period.

 

You have decided to go down this 'route' and we will all support you (even me ). I feel from here on in, it has to be positive positive positive. That means ignoring the negativity from John. It means saying to yourself "Mack don't know **** on LS". Most would agree with that anyway .

 

Being positive, acting positive when you are hurting, sad and apprehensive of the future is very hard. I have said this before -> I'd love if you felt positive on the inside, because I truly believe that you would 'glow' on the outside. It could make all the difference..

[Gunny376]

Not to change the subject?

 

I'm home from work ~ berrevent leave and all! I don't give a damn if they pay me for it or not! I just found out literally walking out the door my oldest sister died Friday ~ three days hence ~ after the fact?

 

You would think that after all I've gone through? I would be inmune to death?

 

I went to work, I was OK, until I said "My Sister died!" I was OK in so long as I didn't say the words outloud! And I just broke down and collasped to my knees before everyone and everybody in the whole damned place. Made a damn spectiacale of myself ~ I did. Crying, snot running down my face.

 

Janet Sharon Sauls ~ she was my friend, my sister, my keeper, my best friend, my secret telller, my buddy, my pal, my parneter in crime She was my confidant, she was my "Bro" ~ she was my pal, my greatest ally, my greatest supporter, My biggest fan. My BIG sister!

 

Go now to John and grab him by the ears and yell and screammmmmm into his ears and face ~

 

I love you damnit! I'm not going anywhere! And the only way your going to get YOUR AZZ OUT of this MARRIAGE is through old age and six feet under!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Not to change the subject?

 

I'm home from work ~ berrevent leave and all! I don't give a damn if they pay me for it or not! I just found out literally walking out the door my oldest sister died Friday ~ three days hence ~ after the fact?

 

You would think that after all I've gone through? I would be inmune to death?

 

I went to work, I was OK, until I said "My Sister died!" I was OK in so long as I didn't say the words outloud! And I just broke down and collasped to my knees before everyone and everybody in the whole damned place. Made a damn spectiacale of myself ~ I did. Crying, snot running down my face.

 

Janet Sharon Sauls ~ she was my friend, my sister, my keeper, my best friend, my secret telller, my buddy, my pal, my parneter in crime She was my confidant, she was my "Bro" ~ she was my pal, my greatest ally, my greatest supporter, My biggest fan. My BIG sister!

 

Go now to John and grab him by the ears and yell and screammmmmm into his ears and face ~

 

I love you damnit! I'm not going anywhere! And the only way your going to get YOUR AZZ OUT of this MARRIAGE is through old age and six feet under!

 

Aww Gunny I'm so deeply sorry for your loss!!! I hope you and your family will be ok! (((HUGS)))

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jen I'd rather you make an effort (i.e. look good). Maybe get some fresh air and walk the dog and shower when you get home. Don't get dolled up to the nines, but look as good as you can in casual wear. For the reminder of the evening stay in the living room. If John is there, he is there. Play with the dog. In front of John, make fun of the dog for gaining weight (even though he/she hasn't) and laugh. He needs to remember fun, cool Jenny.

 

Say you don't feel like cooking and you are ordering your fav takeout and offer some to him. Have a glass of wine and offer him one (or a beer). Do what you have been doing and let him lead the way chat wise. If he doesn't ask about your day, either do what I said above OR just start talking about your day if there is a quiet period.

 

You have decided to go down this 'route' and we will all support you (even me ). I feel from here on in, it has to be positive positive positive. That means ignoring the negativity from John. It means saying to yourself "Mack don't know **** on LS". Most would agree with that anyway .

 

Being positive, acting positive when you are hurting, sad and apprehensive of the future is very hard. I have said this before -> I'd love if you felt positive on the inside, because I truly believe that you would 'glow' on the outside. It could make all the difference..

 

I think Im a fool! Truth be told!

 

Positive is great but I feel like junk today! I feel like john is using me as an outlet to vent. I want him to want me again as his wife. Hes not a game player but Im thinking he is only being nice so I dont boot his ass. I would never of done that anyway. Im going to make him be the one to leave because thats what he wants. Im starting to think he doesnt care anymore.

 

Im not sureif im being dramatic or nutty but Im feeling blah so im projecting

[Gunny376]

You do what I told you to do with John! You tell come him Hell, high water, damnation, crop failure, econcomic ruin, bankruptcy, excommunication, job loss, lay off, civil war, ruin, hrruances, tornados, floods ~

 

He ain't gettin' out this marriage that damned easy!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

You do what I told you to do with John! You tell come him Hell, high water, damnation, crop failure, econcomic ruin, bankruptcy, excommunication, job loss, lay off, civil war, ruin, hrruances, tornados, floods ~

 

He ain't gettin' out this marriage that damned easy!

 

I think will just start a fight! Last time i just hugged him he got mad! He is a marine you know! Stubborn stubborn stubborn