Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ugh Ok just to state this im an emotional basket case .... Yes AGAIN.

 

Reasons:

 

Mom got me worked up

John came home in a bad mood

 

I already explained my mom but tonight when john came home he said hey but was very quiet! After sitting in quiet for 10-15 mins he opened the conversation by asking me if a mutual friend called me because they called him. I said are you in a bad mood? He said kinda and started to explain its work related. Hes really struggling at his job. For whatever reason he is very unhappy and just when things had got better today they went to hell again. Hes very conflicted at work.

 

Now in my opinion this could work in my favor by taking all the negative hes feeling and hes blaming it all on work instead of me which is good for me. I mean for the last few months hes been taking it out on me but since weve made a change and are getting along he is now deadset on work is his problem. Not sure if this makes sense to anyone.

 

It may not change my situation as for as whether he goes or not but having him place his stress and anger at his job could help us. I dunno'

Im trying to focus on its not over yet fight on but its hard my mom reminded me its getting close yo crunch time scares the crap out of me and puts me in a crippled paniac.

 

John talked a lot to me but mostly all about work but then again its the biggest stress he apparently has, either because hes not stressing over me because hes made up his mind already, or he just doesnt care about our issues. I guess its a good thing hes sharing this struggling with me.

 

Theres so many ?'s to be answered but on a day like today Mack I think your right hes going! Though as of yet his actions dont show it directly IMO. Now maybe thats because i think if hes gun ho to go hed be looking for places, switching direct deposits, discussing things of importance. Etc but maybe not maybe that isnt how it goes down or maybe its still to come in the 11th hour.

 

One thing I know regardless of what happens I do think he still loves me just not sure that will be enough to get passed his betrayed feelings.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

First of all, as others have stated, I reiterate, don't panic - stick to the plan.

 

Now, I'm going to give you my take after hearing from your Mom. That does not mean change or revise anything especially at this moment, on a wim, or on impulse.

 

Review This first:

 

If any change in plan and strategy design occurs - you come here. You remember how Tojaz asked you what your next move was to be (and you really didn't know, other than "status quo")? And then Tojaz came up with the perfect move: "Subliminal Message" technique. That is why you come here. To figure out your moves and stratagies ahead of time. OK Girl.

 

Your Mom

 

Tihs was an important piece of insight that none of us can ignore. Mom knows everyone, especially John, and loves her daughter, she is probably in the best position to venture a prediction, whether any of us like it or not. That is why I'm saddened by her perspective. I think we all need to come up with some additional interventions to suppliment current war plan. Natually, none of these will involve separation, because, clearly, Jenny is not comfortable with separation. Here are just a couple off the top of my head ideas for future intervention - or to up the anti:

 

1. If you don't already, start attending Church, every Sunday morning. Don't even say where you are going unless asked. This is going to be a private matter - you don't need a companion. Make sure to shake hands with the reverands and pastors, so they can welcome you. See if the church has a divorce group. I think you might find it helpful - either way. In a week or two, I want you to schedule a meeting with one of the lower level pastors to establish raport, a sense of belonging, and to discuss your problems, and if you believe, to have the pastor pray with you to have God forgive you for any misdeed John percieves, and pray for John's forgivness. Depending on your faith and relationship with the Church, you might ask the Pastor to visit, or come to dinner, and/or bless your home. Yeah, that's right, a third party in the home. Well, that might be too much in this short of time. See idea 3.

 

2. Start seeing a therapist now. You are under a lot of pressure. I was wrong to say, "suck it up, you can see a therapist later." Every once in while, Jenny, you are showing battle fatigue, and coming dangeriously close to cracking under pressure. Both Mack and I are mature adults, and we both admit to you, very honestly, that there is no way we COULD NOT "push the envelope," (SHOVE THE ENVELOPE OR CRAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT, OR UP SOME PLACE THE SUN DON'T SHINE WOULD BE MORE ACCURATE), with the burdon you carry on your shoulders. Jenny, you have been truely amazing. I am not BSing you. I do not easily give compliments.

 

3. Jenny, I want you to tell us more about your Mom, and her relationship to your marriage. Please tell us more about her level of wisdom. And also, how you are affected by her perspective today. A young lady needs the wisdom of her Mother in times such as these. I am going to go so far as to suggest that you start leaning more on your Mother. In fact, I'm going to suggest that she visit you on a regular basis at your house during this crisis. While you and your Mother are discussing private matters, you will adjorn to you bedroom, and close the door. And I think somee of these meetings should take place when John is there. Perhaps your Mom will also join the family for dinner, as well. My point is, if there is going to be a "gaslighting" pretense going on in this home, let's bring in a third party to observe. That will throw a monkey wrench into the works.

 

4. I do agree the math on the dwelling situation needs to be done apriori. That's just common sense. You need to know if you can afford this dwelling NOW. If you cannot, you need to discover dwelling near your work that are within your budget - like yesterday. This is the reason why. John has told you in no uncertain terms that he does not plan to be on the new lease. You must technically function as if this is a fact. Now what you are doing in the home by being calm, nice Jenny is different. But smart Jenny has to cover her aZZ.

 

5. Besides 4, you need to see an attorney - to see if there are any alimony, pension, or support considerations on a ten year marriage. Sorry, but that is business. And I promise you, if his intention is to leave, he will attend to business. Cover yourself - know ahead of time what you expect, for the reasons I am going to refer to below.

 

These are just ideas to suppliment here and there. Comments, Opinions?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Topic: Stages of Grief

 

I have written a couple posts about how the plan in place might psychologically add some baggage to our sweet Jenny. Baggage that might complicate other methods of reconcilation applied iIF or when couple is forced to have space, indeed if it even happens. I think it has to be considered in the big picture of things.

 

For instance, if John leaves, as Jenny's Mom predicts, space will occur. But the usefulness of the space apart will be somewhat challenging. Jenny and John will be in two entirely different places emotionally, and further apart than is the typical scenerio of a trypical married couple embarking on a separation, in my estimation. OK. I'll try to describe what I mean. Not to say this is exactly what will happen - only to illustrate how far apart the current plan is bringing the couple, should it not work, and they separate (this is not to mention the pent up emotions Jenny must at least sub-counsciouly be bearing whilst sucking it up):

 

Scenerio - John Really Leaves at End of Lease (Jenny really is worried about this)

 

John: John will have to go thru the usual stuff at the beginning, a new start, sometimes exciting, sometimes scary, then the period of questioning if it's the right choice. Then questioning whether it's too late to go back. Then suddenly, he is going to grow to miss Jenny big time (if she stays 180 & NC), and be re-thinking if divorce is the right direction.

 

While John is in angst, really missing Jenny, the best position...........

 

Jenny: By this time, she will be emotionally spent, and after finding she has been in denial so long (I mean she's already sensing it at this time), she will probably be deeply grieving the marriage. At the very least, the beginning of the process will be on her plate. Certainly, ANGER will be the MAIN COURSE, after months of "The Plan." Not a good starting position to apply reconcilation techniques. She may be so hurt and angry, perhaps even bitter, that she may feel a human desire to express it to him - and who would blame her? But of course, that would be the exact WRONG thing to do. She may feel a sense of him leading her on all these months. Afterall, couples separated under the same roof, facing divorce, do not usually present like this! What seems to be taking place at their house - it's confusing, sometimes bizarre.

 

I think it fair game to seriously factor this into our thinking about current plan, and Jenny needs to be quite clear "what shes asking for" emotionally by taking this good faith risk, shall it fail. Every once in awhile, we see it getting to Jenny, understandably. But all we can tell her is BUCK UP.

 

I have expressed my thoughts of the long-term effects a few pages back on this. Getting a therapist now would help a great deal. Also, Jenny, making a pledge that you will blame no one, not even John, if the plan does not work out. That would also allivate some of my trepidations written herein.

 

Continue with Plan as your choice to Stand for the Marriage, because you believe the Good John is coming back. And if this thing backfires, then let it go, and start anew. There are many strategies for separated couples. IF you have a positive attiude. Honey, do you get me? Yas

 

 

My mom adores John and takes his side... Go figure! She and i arent close like we ought to be because she doesnt give me love! She gives me orders and tells me how ecerything I do including cooking is wrong!

 

As for the therapist I should go havent gone back yet but will reconsider it.

 

I have seen a lawyer and due to what he and I make alimony isnt an option we both make about the same. However I am entitled to 1/2 his retirment

Because weve been married 10 years.

 

I am content for now to stay in the status quo and maybe thats wrong but at this point i cant bare with leaving him or him leaving. I just cant!

 

I think maybe i am crazy for thinking hell change his mind but what else can i hope for Ive got nothing else to go on and im about out of time!

[Yasuandio]

One thing is for sure, Jenny. When people separate and divorce after a long term marriage, the love remains. You don't have to worry about that. I will PM you a great video about that topic.

 

Now- you are mind-reading. This can drive a person mad. Does he stay or does he go now? Like CLASH?

 

Nobody knows but him. He holds the keys. You are at his mercy by your own design - so give up the mind-reading, and concentrate on self improvement. That is the stated purpose of The Plan.

 

When you are all jittery and insecure - he can sense it. That is the complete OPPOSITE of normal Jenny. I mwan look at what you just wrote. Could it mean this could it mean that? I'm really strssed, Mack you may be right.

 

Listen Jenny. You decided you are standing for your marriage whether he is staying or going. And that's that. Stop speculating. Stick with the plan.

[Yasuandio]

My mom adores John and takes his side... Go figure! She and i arent close like we ought to be because she doesnt give me love! She gives me orders and tells me how ecerything I do including cooking is wrong! FINE. NOW IT'S A NEW DAY. TELL YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU LOVE HER, AND TO PLEASE FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT BEING A BETTER DAUGHTER. (THIS WILL MAKE HER CRY). THEN, TELL YOU MOTHER HOW MUCH YOU NEED HER. PERIOD. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER. JUST DO IT. YOU WILL THANK ME LATER, WHEN YOUR MOM IS DEAD.

 

As for the therapist I should go havent gone back yet but will reconsider it. GET THERE ASAP. YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, JUST IN CASE.

 

I have seen a lawyer and due to what he and I make alimony isnt an option we both make about the same. However I am entitled to 1/2 his retirment

Because weve been married 10 years. GOOD.

 

I am content for now to stay in the status quo and maybe thats wrong but at this point i cant bare with leaving him or him leaving. I just cant! PERFECT - THAT'S THE PLAN. NO PROBLEM. JUST BE AWARE OF THE CONSEQUESNCES - THAT IS BEING SMART.

 

I think maybe i am crazy for thinking hell change his mind but what else can i hope for Ive got nothing else to go on and im about out of time!

 

STOP! YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. WE ALL SUPPORT YOUR PLAN. WE ARE BEHIND YOU 100%. WHAT EVER HAPPENS HAPPENS. IT WOULD HAVE HAPPEN ANYWAY. JUST STAY WITH THE PLAN YOU HAVE SELECTED. IF PLAN FAILS, IT MAY KICK YOUR AZZ HARDER, BUT NO BIG DEAL, THERE ARE MANY OTHER PLANS AFTER SEPARATION. aND YOUR PLAN MAY SUCCEED. NO ONE KNOWS.

 

 

 

My responses in caps. Please do not take my analysis of situation as criticism. OK? Just trying to promote next moves. Yas

Edited March 22, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Im trying yas but honestly no matter what plan or course of action i would of chosen I would be miserable without my marriage working.

So even though this was my choice if i had moved out i would be stressed wondering my self to death too.

 

 

Im so scared and sad and im so glad i can just lock my door and cry tonight

[Yasuandio]

Im trying yas but honestly no matter what plan or course of action i would of chosen I would be miserable without my marriage working.

So even though this was my choice if i had moved out i would be stressed wondering my self to death too.

 

 

Im so scared and sad and im so glad i can just lock my door and cry tonight

 

Honey, I am here with you. Please tell me, cause I was trying to help out the gang and you. Did I make a mistake when I contribute my analysis? Please tell me so I know. I can always pm Mack. If I contributed to you tears tonight I feel terrible. I am not sauve like Tojaz. And I am hidiously detail minded, and deeply analyze things.

 

Please tell me on PM, ok, so I know? Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

No im just so scared thats why Im crying! Im so afraid he will really go and our marriage will be over

 

Something else happened today too that i didnt post about yet! I called john today to ask him where the new insurance card was because it was not in my glovebox and i got pulled over for having a light out. Anyway i told him that a mutual friend said she thought he was cheating and he said shes wrong! And then he said " i told you what i was going to do and what i wasnt going to do" and cheating is what Im not goung to do. Well i believe him but my worry was the what he is going to do part! I assume he meant moving out! But i didnt ask. Not sure if im reading to much into that statement or not

Edited March 22, 2013 by Jennyfromtheblick

[Yasuandio]

If he does really go, that means if you are meant to be together, your old relationship is over, and if he loves you, which he obviously does, you will begin a new relationship (that puts the past behind you).

 

To start fresh, without this baggage, is actually a good thing, Jenny. Please trust me, I have done a tremendous amount of reading and research on this subject. You don't want this event haunting you for the next 30-40 years, do you?

 

But to begin a new relationship takes space - just like when you were dating. He first needs to learn what it is like to miss you. I think you got a taste of that when you saw his condition when you returned home. He didn't look so hot did he?

 

So if a separation comes, both of you will have some space, and reflection time. And as I said, after what you have gone thru, you are going to have some anger and resentment issues. That is why you gotta get into therapy now.

 

Instead of worrying, which never does any good, can you not focus on what might be in the future, with this behind you?

[tojaz]

Ugh Ok just to state this im an emotional basket case .... Yes AGAIN.

 

Reasons:

 

Mom got me worked up

John came home in a bad mood

 

I already explained my mom but tonight when john came home he said hey but was very quiet! After sitting in quiet for 10-15 mins he opened the conversation by asking me if a mutual friend called me because they called him. I said are you in a bad mood? He said kinda and started to explain its work related. Hes really struggling at his job. For whatever reason he is very unhappy and just when things had got better today they went to hell again. Hes very conflicted at work.

 

Now in my opinion this could work in my favor by taking all the negative hes feeling and hes blaming it all on work instead of me which is good for me. I mean for the last few months hes been taking it out on me but since weve made a change and are getting along he is now deadset on work is his problem. Not sure if this makes sense to anyone.

 

It may not change my situation as for as whether he goes or not but having him place his stress and anger at his job could help us. I dunno'

Im trying to focus on its not over yet fight on but its hard my mom reminded me its getting close yo crunch time scares the crap out of me and puts me in a crippled paniac.

 

John talked a lot to me but mostly all about work but then again its the biggest stress he apparently has, either because hes not stressing over me because hes made up his mind already, or he just doesnt care about our issues. I guess its a good thing hes sharing this struggling with me.

 

Theres so many ?'s to be answered but on a day like today Mack I think your right hes going! Though as of yet his actions dont show it directly IMO. Now maybe thats because i think if hes gun ho to go hed be looking for places, switching direct deposits, discussing things of importance. Etc but maybe not maybe that isnt how it goes down or maybe its still to come in the 11th hour.

 

One thing I know regardless of what happens I do think he still loves me just not sure that will be enough to get passed his betrayed feelings.

Ok Jenny, calm down,you can't deal with the issues at hand if your trying to head things off that may or not be months down the road. There are ups and there are downs and there is a lot of in the middle, but if you keep swinging yourself from one extreme to the other the string will eventually break.

 

Your giving all these things far too much influence over you, your mom is not in that apartment with you, shes not reading this board, shes not at work with john, its one viewpoint from one person based on one life's experience. Thats not even enough to stand up as a scientific theory, let alone any sort of fact, or prophecy.

 

John has a bad day and he tells you it's due to work...... I would think you would be doing handsprings! Guy has a bad day and goes to the comfort of his wife? HE doesn't know it, but..... HE'S ACTING LIKE A HUSBAND! not to mention giving you a glowing opportunity to act like a wife in return because you've paralyzed yourself with panic, to steal a Gunnyism Analysis Paralysis.

 

It happens, emotions got the better of you today. So be it, you still did the right thing and sequestered yourself in your room and vented here.

 

As for how it goes down, like I said in the beginning, when it's already decided it usually goes quite fast. Here's how mine played out.

 

Bomb Dropped out of the blue> March 22 2009

Saw her for the last time> July 3 2009 (outside her new apt.)

Divorce Final> August 8 2009

I started figuring it all out> To be announced...

Felt a little sad I still remembered the dates> March 21 2013:o

 

Thats just one divorce out of many of course, but you get the idea. Whats going to happen isn't written in a script somewhere Jenny, your not missing a clue as to what is going to happen, you can't skip to the end..... it hasn't been written yet!

 

Anyway i told him that a mutual friend said she thought he was cheating and he said shes wrong! And then he said " i told you what i was going to do and what i wasnt going to do" and cheating is what Im not goung to do. Well i believe him but my worry was the what he is going to do part! I assume he meant moving out! But i didnt ask. Not sure if im reading to much into that statement or not

 

Ok, accusing him of cheating (thats most likely how he heard it) is a big no no, please i beg of you don't do that, even if a friend said it, theres no reason to bring that into the mix and he was never going to give you the reassurance your hoping for.

 

When a person feels accused they get defensive, and the best defense is a good offense. He said what he thought would push you away the fastest. It was a jab at you Jenny, you pushed too far.

 

QUIT PANICKING! Your going to have to stay sharp to keep up with this, panicking is the opposite of that.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I am not sauve like Tojaz.

 

Had to share a laugh for the only person on the planet that would consider me suave. :laugh: You need to get out more Yas

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Ok Jenny, calm down,you can't deal with the issues at hand if your trying to head things off that may or not be months down the road. There are ups and there are downs and there is a lot of in the middle, but if you keep swinging yourself from one extreme to the other the string will eventually break.

 

Your giving all these things far too much influence over you, your mom is not in that apartment with you, shes not reading this board, shes not at work with john, its one viewpoint from one person based on one life's experience. Thats not even enough to stand up as a scientific theory, let alone any sort of fact, or prophecy.

 

John has a bad day and he tells you it's due to work...... I would think you would be doing handsprings! Guy has a bad day and goes to the comfort of his wife? HE doesn't know it, but..... HE'S ACTING LIKE A HUSBAND! not to mention giving you a glowing opportunity to act like a wife in return because you've paralyzed yourself with panic, to steal a Gunnyism Analysis Paralysis.

 

It happens, emotions got the better of you today. So be it, you still did the right thing and sequestered yourself in your room and vented here.

 

As for how it goes down, like I said in the beginning, when it's already decided it usually goes quite fast. Here's how mine played out.

 

Bomb Dropped out of the blue> March 22 2009

Saw her for the last time> July 3 2009 (outside her new apt.)

Divorce Final> August 8 2009

I started figuring it all out> To be announced...

Felt a little sad I still remembered the dates> March 21 2013:o

 

Thats just one divorce out of many of course, but you get the idea. Whats going to happen isn't written in a script somewhere Jenny, your not missing a clue as to what is going to happen, you can't skip to the end..... it hasn't been written yet!

 

 

 

Ok, accusing him of cheating (thats most likely how he heard it) is a big no no, please i beg of you don't do that, even if a friend said it, theres no reason to bring that into the mix and he was never going to give you the reassurance your hoping for.

 

When a person feels accused they get defensive, and the best defense is a good offense. He said what he thought would push you away the fastest. It was a jab at you Jenny, you pushed too far.

 

QUIT PANICKING! Your going to have to stay sharp to keep up with this, panicking is the opposite of that.

 

TOJAZ

 

It really wasnt me accusing. I told him i talked to this person and he asked what they had to say and i said just their dumb opinion on things that dont involve them. He said explain that so i told him what she said. We didnt fight or argue. It really didnt feel like a jab he was giving me, it felt like he was putting it out there he was reaffirming hes leaving but hes not going to date or etc as long as we are married.

 

I dont know though. All he said was i already told you what i am going to do and what im not going to do..... Those words worry me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I wonder if I should just sit down with him and talk it out and figure out whats going to happen and explain my issue with possibly staying.

 

BUT my fear in doing that is that Im doing the work for him and making it easy on him. Also I worry that Im pushing him again and if he is still undecided or reluctant me bringing this all up just causes issues and pushes him into making a final decision sooner.

 

The papers for the lease renewal should be delivered soon at least by 4/15/13 and my thoughts had been to just wait till they come and see what he does/says. I also thought about hiding them.. Lol! Funny thing is if we dont do anything the lease automatically renews for another year.

 

Ughhhh gotta vent cant help it though nobody knows i get wanting peace till you move out and being civil. I dont get offering to help with dinner, sharing every little detail of your day, and being super chatty and kind if you just want to divorce. I guess it doesnt have to make sense.

[Mack05]

Jenny it seems the closer it gets to D-Day the more you are starting to panic. This is completely understandable, but could be catastrophic when it comes to saving your marriage.

 

Firstly forget about hiding leases and looking for half his retirement. I really don't like this attitude, even if you are joking. If you resort to negative manipulation tactics of any description, I for one will never post on this thread again. Talking about what you can get from him after a divorce, this really should not be in your mind right now. There is plenty of time to contemplate the fallout in the future. You may as well sign the papers now if you have this thought process.

 

Jenny I see where you are coming from. Right now John is having this conflict with work. "Should I stay or should I go?". For all we know he could have the same conflict with his marriage. "Should I stay or should I go". We have no idea why he wants to see out his lease. Does he want to see it out because it suits him? or does he want to see it out through some strange obligation to you? He might be worried you can't afford the rent on your own or he might be thinking if I stay, Jenny could save. Who knows.

 

There is too much guessing here Jenny. This has to stop now IMO. I think your conversation over the phone is VERY telling. "I told you what I was going to do and what I wasn't going to do". You simply can't ignore this Jenny. He is telling you that nothing has changed. He is telling you that he is leaving when the lease is up. Sorry if that hurts or scares you, but this is the cold harsh truth.

 

Try think of this logically. How on earth does you biting your lip and holding your tongue while listening to him vent about his job, help John suddenly change his mind? It doesn't Jenny. Two-three months is not long enough. The high probability is that it's not going to change his mind about leaving.

 

Now, you being supportive while he needs you could (and should) have a VERY positive effect in the future. When (and I believe it's when) he leaves he will look back and remember just how supportive you were, even though you were hurting. This will leave a lasting effect. He will have seen your actions and in truth those actions will say more than any letter ever could. I finally get it.

 

John is a good man but clearly flawed. You could easily have lost your cool and said f** him. I would have, you didn't. You put him first and if you can see this plan through up until he leaves and after, I believe there is a GREAT chance he comes back. Time apart will leave your mistake, not seem as big as it currently is in his head. Time apart when he has no one to support him through a tough day, will hopefully be the kick up the ass this guy needs ->

 

I like Yas's point about the old relationship being dead and how space is required for a new (and even better) relationship to develop. I truly believe John and Jenny will be together in the future, but I also believe that one big explosion ends this forever. I believe if you don't handle this right, you will explode and this will effect for your life for the next 5-10 years and even longer. You can't afford regrets Jenny. You simply cannot afford to explode.

 

I think you have to sit him down and it has to be this weekend. Ideally before your niece gets there. That will give you space after the chat and your niece will keep your mind occupied. I would approach him very calm and in a caring kind way. I would say...

 

"John can I have a word? I know you are going through a tough time with work and I really don't want to make things any harder for you, but I would appreciate it if you could let me know when you are planning on leaving. The reason I need to know this now is because the new lease is due in the middle of April. I need to figure out if I can afford the rent on my own and if I can, I need to organise having your name taken off the lease before it arrives. If you are not sure, can you have a think about it and let me know when you can? Sorry to be a hassle, but I need to get this organised"

 

Now his answer will hurt you. You may even be shocked just how organised he is. As he is talking try keep a lid on your emotions. Just nod along and listen. When he finishes just put your hand on his forearm and smile at him and say thank you. As you are walking away say you will try make this as easy a transition as possible...

Edited March 22, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

John and I chatted this Am at 4am.. Ill get to that

 

Mack i dont like how you said if i ever postsomething like that again you wont post! Thats mean! I only wrote that in response toyas suggested i see a lawyer and asking about alimony/support

 

Not sure i will have a chance to talk before niece gets here i get her right after school and he doesnt get off till 3:30 then hes supposed to drop his other application off. Probably for the best anyway im not sure i can be calm i feel to sad.

 

I think his comment you underlined is telling!

 

Early this morning we got a call from his family and a relative passed so nobody was sleeping after a call like that. Sad but this uncle suffered so it was a blessing for the family. John and i were talking and he was on pc looking at fb and i walked by and saw he is friends with this twit girl i cant stand and i guess my face showed unhappiness because he said what? I said i cant stand kelley! He said i know. I said it bothers me your friends with her etc etc. i was nice. He said i dont ever talk to her and i said then why be friends with her? He said well we grew up together and i dunno she friended me. I just made a face! He said why does it bother you if i dont talk to her? I said cause shes a whore and it makes me uncomfortable!!!!

 

I said in fact thats the main reason i stress when your on fb or your cell cause im afraid your msging her. He said i dont!!! I said i understand you dont but it makes me uncomfortable and i think its wrong to be friends with someone your wife feels that way about. He said ok then ill unfriend her and block her. So he did! I said ty! He said anything else you want to tell me that upsets you?? In a smartass way i said yeah.... Lol i think it sucks i dont get treated like i deserve to be treated by you. He asked how so? I said like wearing your ring, sex he said is that why your still up you want sex? I said NO!! He said as far as doing those things he just doesnt feel he can do that. I was hoping for a right now but nothing. I did tell him about the lease he didnt say much. He said why cant you just be on it urself and i explained what they said he looked puzzled but never said anything else. So i went back to bed

[tojaz]

It really wasnt me accusing.

I know Jenny, I'm just guessing that is how he heard it... as something he needed to defend.

 

Having you describe it better now, I agree it probably wasn't a jab at you, when I read it, i had though you had brought it up and he was reacting.

 

I dont know though. All he said was i already told you what i am going to do and what im not going to do..... Those words worry me

 

 

They're just words Jenny. They can be interpreted a dozen different ways. I read them as him having his character questioned. "I already told you how I would conduct myself and that i wouldn't cheat" I dont think it goeas any further then that, see how he acts today and see what kind of clues that gives you.

 

Otherwise, I'd keep doing what your doing, when the renewal comes if thers still no decision from him, sign your part and then just hand it to him and let him do what he's going to do.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Had to repost because i had to add parts i skipped

 

 

John and I chatted this Am at 4am.. Ill get to that

 

Mack i dont like how you said if i ever postsomething like that again you wont post! Thats mean! I only wrote that in response toyas suggested i see a lawyer and asking about alimony/support

 

Not sure i will have a chance to talk before niece gets here i get her right after school and he doesnt get off till 3:30 then hes supposed to drop his other application off. Probably for the best anyway im not sure i can be calm i feel to sad.

 

I think his comment you underlined is telling!

 

Early this morning we got a call from his family and a relative passed so nobody was sleeping after a call like that. Sad but this uncle suffered so it was a blessing for the family. John and i were talking and he was on pc looking at fb and i walked by and saw he is friends with this twit girl i cant stand and i guess my face showed unhappiness because he said what? I said i cant stand kelley! He said i know. I said it bothers me your friends with her etc etc. i was nice. He said i dont ever talk to her and i said then why be friends with her? He said well we grew up together and i dunno she friended me. I just made a face! He said why does it bother you if i dont talk to her? I said cause shes a whore and it makes me uncomfortable!!!!

 

I said in fact thats the main reason i stress when your on fb or your cell cause im afraid your msging her. He said i dont!!! I said i understand you dont but it makes me uncomfortable and i think its wrong to be friends with someone your wife feels that way about. He said ok then ill unfriend her and block her. So he did! I said ty! He said anything else you want to tell me that upsets you?? In a smartass way i said yeah.... Lol i think it sucks i dont get treated like i deserve to be treated by you. He asked how so? I said like wearing your ring, being a husband, sex he said is that why your still up you want sex? I said NO!! He said as far as doing those things he just doesnt feel he can do that. I was hoping for a right now but nothing. He said he isnt disagreeing that i deserve to be treated better. I did tell him about the lease he didnt say much. He said why cant you just be on it urself and i explained what they said he looked puzzled but never said anything else about that. he did say we have nice conversation and peace for a week and a half now it goes this way again. i said were you being fake? he said no! He said i know you have your period so thats why your doing this it happens every month like clockwork! I said omg john that is a shovinest thing to say he said i know but its true. Ugh he never says things like that.

 

So i went back to bed

 

Thoughts? Please please be kind cause i just cant take anymore harsh today

[tojaz]

He said as far as doing those things he just doesnt feel he can do that.

I know that sounds bad Jenny, but I flipped back a month on your thread and looked at how he had replied to questions like that, he used it as a prime spot to reinforce the fact that he's checking out. It's not what you wanted to hear, but it is an improvement.

 

 

. I did tell him about the lease he didnt say much. He said why cant you just be on it urself and i explained what they said he looked puzzled but never said anything else.

 

I think you took him off guard that you actually already looked into it, but I think the big news is what I underlined. What does that tell you Jenny?

 

TOJAZ

[Mack05]

Jenny please don't think I am not supportive of you. I am, I really like you. I really want this to work.

 

I guess I am at fault for annoying you just there. My last ex was very manipulative and it's something that's left a lasting effect. I know it's something I need to work past. I just want you to win John back fair and square. I think when you use under handed tactics (i.e hiding the lease), they either don't work or bite you in the ass in the long run.

 

Any way please accept my apologies..This was me projecting onto you.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I know that sounds bad Jenny, but I flipped back a month on your thread and looked at how he had replied to questions like that, he used it as a prime spot to reinforce the fact that he's checking out. It's not what you wanted to hear, but it is an improvement.

 

 

 

 

I think you took him off guard that you actually already looked into it, but I think the big news is what I underlined. What does that tell you Jenny?

 

TOJAZ

It tells me he wants out!!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny please don't think I am not supportive of you. I am, I really like you. I really want this to work.

 

I guess I am at fault for annoying you just there. My last ex was very manipulative and it's something that's left a lasting effect. I know it's something I need to work past. I just want you to win John back fair and square. I think when you use under handed tactics (i.e hiding the lease), they either don't work or bite you in the ass in the long run.

 

Any way please accept my apologies..This was me projecting onto you.

 

Its ok thank you

[Mack05]

I wish you had approached him the way I suggested above. Conversations at 3am when you receive sad news, don't tend to go well.

 

Another telling thing. "We get a week and a half of peace and now it goes this way again". So basically all your good work undone and back to square one again. John is seeing right through what you are trying to do.

 

Jenny at this stage, I don't know what you should do. This is unfolding exactly as I said it would. Honestly, it seems you can't help but self destruct this thing. The anxiety, sadness and panic are pushing him away. This is not what you want.

 

You want to follow a plan, but honestly you don't have the emotional maturity to follow it and see it through. This for me is the big problem right now. The Facebook thing you should have left it go. The guys uncle died, he is having a tough time at work. All that was needed last night was for him to talk and for you to listen. Not to in anyway belittle what happened with John's uncle, but last night could have been an awesome opportunity for you guys to get closer.

 

Instead we get some needless drama about some girl he probably (HIGHLY) has absolutely no interest in. You are getting annoyed over silly things Jenny. This Kelley girl is not important right now. The only thing that was achieved last night was to annoy your husband. The complete opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

 

John said last night "why can't you just be on the lease yourself"..I think after a week of peace (hopefully) say it to him this day week, that you are going to get him removed from the lease. Jenny IMO you have to start planning for him leaving. Your plan isn't working and that is the harsh reality. Your plan can only work by keeping cool all the time. It can only work by letting the silly things go. If you are being honest with yourself, are you able to do that for another 2-3 months? cause (based on what I have seen) I have my doubts.

Edited March 22, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I wish you had approached him the way I suggested above. Conversations at 3am when you receive sad news, don't tend to go well.

 

Another telling thing. "We get a week and a half of peace and now it goes this way again". So basically all your good work undone and back to square one again. John is seeing right through what you are trying to do.

 

Jenny at this stage, I don't know what you should do. This is unfolding exactly as I said it would. Honestly, it seems you can't help but self destruct this thing. The anxiety, sadness and panic are pushing him away. This is not what you want.

 

You want to follow a plan, but honestly you don't have the emotional maturity to follow it and see it through. This for me is the big problem right now. The Facebook thing you should have left it go. The guys uncle died, he is having a tough time at work. All that was needed last night was for him to talk and for you to listen. Not to in anyway belittle what happened with John's uncle, but last night could have been an awesome opportunity for you guys to get closer.

 

Instead we get some needless drama about some girl he probably (HIGHLY) has absolutely no interest in. You are getting annoyed over silly things Jenny. This Kelley girl is not important right now. The only thing that was achieved last night was to annoy your husband. The complete opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

 

John said last night "why can't you just be on the lease yourself"..I think after a week of peace (hopefully) say it to him this day week, that you are going to get him removed from the lease. Jenny IMO you have to start planning for him leaving. Your plan isn't working and that is the harsh reality. Your plan can only work by keeping cool all the time. It can only work by letting the silly things go. If you are being honest with yourself, are you able to do that for another 2-3 months? cause (based on what I have seen) I have my doubts.

 

Mack i dont know im trying but its so freaking hard all i want is to hug him or have put his arms around me and forgive me. Its hard to keep my cool when the deadline is looming. It may be june that hed be moving out but the lease gets renewed in the upcoming 3 weeks thats was scaring me

[Mack05]

Mack i dont know im trying but its so freaking hard all i want is to hug him or have put his arms around me and forgive me. Its hard to keep my cool when the deadline is looming. It may be june that hed be moving out but the lease gets renewed in the upcoming 3 weeks thats was scaring me

 

Jenny hard is the understatement of the century. It's extraordinarily hard. I cannot tell you how much I admire you. It's VERY easy for me with no emotional connection to post logical advice. Sometimes I get carried away, because I find myself getting emotional about your situation. I can't explain how happy it would make me (will be the same for Tojaz, Yas, and every poster that has posted on this thread) if you guys work it out. I've never even met you, how crazy is that!?

 

I also know when you care about something soooooo much, its very hard to follow logical advice. If I were in your shoes I would be divorced by now..The thing is Jenny, I'm asking you to find the strength that I know you have. To pass the test that I failed. I give you advice from the perspective of a guy that failed the 'test'. FAILED. I don't want you to suffer the way I have. If I had my time over again there is so much different I would do. I don't want you having the same regrets, so HARD is just something that you're going have to get past.

 

I don't think you are doing yourself any favours by setting deadlines. I really wish you were thinking along the lines of I am getting my marriage back, even if John moves out. Also the thing with the lease, why can't John stay even if he is not on the lease? Ok it's not ideal but people do it all the time! Plus how hard is it to get him back on it if he has a change of heart? 100 bucks right?

 

You are putting too much pressure on yourself with deadlines. Jenny I believe John wants to leave. I do. But I can't help but feel that he does not want his marriage to end. While he is in that mindset you need to try keep your cool. Every little indiscretion pushes him towards "It's over".

 

Once you can get him to reconsider, then you can focus on the other area's that need working on. Then eventually when the marriage is back on track better than ever, Tojaz, Yas, Jenny and Mack head out for some beers and laugh about it all. Me and Tojaz settle our differences over a few beers, maybe even an arm wrestle. You and Yas laughing and cuddling. Me and Yas wondering what what have been hahaha.

Edited March 22, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny hard is the understatement of the century. It's extraordinarily hard. I cannot tell you how much I admire you. It's VERY easy for me with no emotional connection to post logical advice. Sometimes I get carried away, because I find myself getting emotional about your situation. I can't explain how happy it would make me (will be the same for Tojaz, Yas, and every poster that has posted on this thread) if you guys work it out. I've never even met you, how crazy is that!?

 

I also know when you care about something soooooo much, its very hard to follow logical advice. If I were in your shoes I would be divorced by now..The thing is Jenny, I'm asking you to find the strength that I know you have. To pass the test that I failed. I give you advice from the perspective of a guy that failed the 'test'. FAILED. I don't want you to suffer the way I have. If I had my time over again there is so much different I would do. I don't want you having the same regrets, so HARD is just something that you're going have to get past.

 

I don't think you are doing yourself any favours by setting deadlines. I really wish you were thinking along the lines of I am getting my marriage back, even if John moves out. Also the thing with the lease, why can't John stay even if he is not on the lease? Ok it's not ideal but people do it all the time! Plus how hard is it to get him back on it if he has a change of heart? 100 bucks right?

 

You are putting too much pressure on yourself with deadlines. Jenny I believe John wants to leave. I do. But I can't help but feel that he does not want his marriage to end. While he is in that mindset you need to try keep your cool. Every little indiscretion pushes him towards "It's over".

 

Once you can get him to reconsider, then you can focus on the other area's that need working on. Then eventually when the marriage is back on track better than ever, Tojaz, Yas, Jenny and Mack head out for some beers and laugh about it all. Me and Tojaz settle our differences over a few beers, maybe even an arm wrestle. You and Yas laughing and cuddling. Me and Yas wondering what what have been hahaha.

 

The thing is to take him off and for me to stay i have to pass thecredit check and income to debt ratio i really dont think i will be able to. In that case the apt wont allow me to stay on the lease and i too must vacate! Im not setting deadlines myself but lets face it him moving out diminshes my chances i think of reconcile because we wont ever see each other and he already doesnt call me nowi doubt hell call after he leaves. I guess i just dont think his heart will grow fonder i dont think time apart is benefical. Just my opinion though.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Gunny, Yas, Trippi, imconfused? Anyone able to add anything please? Im such a screwup here!!