Yasuandio Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Yas that made me feel better! I know he cares too though he wont admit it though. Will him caring be enough? That fear is what makes me panic. Why can't I just stop doing what hadnt worked? Does that mean I am insane? Or just stupid? LOL Your not insane and your not stupid. You are just reacting emotionally from your heart - rather than using your head - that is not a good idea. Suppose I was to try to convince you that jumping off a cliff would give me a sense of total and complete freedom, I would feel as free as a bird floating through the air. Does that sound like a good idea? Does that sound like I'm using my head? John is going to start caring big time when he fears he is going to lose something - that is how this works. You must quit your pursueing behaviours, and back off. Stop worrying about what he thinks. He doesn't care when he doesn.t need to care. And he knows that when your pursueing, he's got nothing to worry about, therefore he can continue to act like a spoiled brat. Back off. Do not pursue. Distance yourself. Make this a continuation of the last couple days. That is using your head. The distancer must come to you now. He acted so terrible - you had to leave your home, remember that. I don't know how other's feel, but I would act "as if" you were the wronged party, and humilated by him saying he didn't love you, and whatever other negatives he said in front of the police friends. I would be depressed from that incident, actually. Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Well he moved to couch now. He has hood up pulled around his face and is sitting in dark! Hes acting weird. Well maybe like he just doesnt want bothered Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Well he moved to couch now. He has hood up pulled around his face and is sitting in dark! Hes acting weird. Well maybe like he just doesnt want bothered Yep he clearly doesn't want to be bothered so leave him be. You have to fight the urges to try talk sense into him. Nothing to be achieved tonight.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Im stressing a tad though and i will tell you all not let my crazy loose on him. I saw right before he came home he was talking to this lady we know for 20 minutes. Now she is in charge of the school board and married and etc but i know she owns lots if rental properties so im worried hes making plans now to move. Scary. Maybe im just assuming. He could of been telling her why he didnt go to meeting Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Im stressing a tad though and i will tell you all not let my crazy loose on him. I saw right before he came home he was talking to this lady we know for 20 minutes. Now she is in charge of the school board and married and etc but i know she owns lots if rental properties so im worried hes making plans now to move. Scary. Maybe im just assuming. He could of been telling her why he didnt go to meeting You do not know the content of the conversation. And if you did - there is nothing you can do but accept it. You can only control yourself. Stop worrying, try. Remember, what will be will be. He may need to go away for awhile. But you do not know that to be the conversation at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Im stressing a tad though and i will tell you all not let my crazy loose on him. I saw right before he came home he was talking to this lady we know for 20 minutes. Now she is in charge of the school board and married and etc but i know she owns lots if rental properties so im worried hes making plans now to move. Scary. Maybe im just assuming. He could of been telling her why he didnt go to meeting Jenny, your two chapters ahead in a book that isn't written yet! Lets focus on getting through the first night before we concern ourselves with what may or may not be lurking in the darkness. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) Im stressing a tad though and i will tell you all not let my crazy loose on him. I saw right before he came home he was talking to this lady we know for 20 minutes. Now she is in charge of the school board and married and etc but i know she owns lots if rental properties so im worried hes making plans now to move. Scary. Maybe im just assuming. He could of been telling her why he didnt go to meeting Jenny you have to try stop yourself over analyzing him and his actions. Its wasted energy and it REALLY doesn't help you. You are panicking again. This is why I wanted you to have space. You need to be working towards resolution yet you are stalking the guy like some crazed woman. As you know this is REALLY serious. If you don't do this right it's probably game over. Somehow you have to start using our head over your heart. If you don't that HUGE bust up I talked about previously WILL happen. I know it's hard I really do, but your marriage is at stake here. The positivity I want you to have is being lost in the panic. The plan I want you to come up with is being lost in the obsessing. Edited March 1, 2013 by Mack05 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Sorry guys I'm trying here! Im leaving him be! Its hard but im letting him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Sorry guys I'm trying here! Im leaving him be! Its hard but im letting him alone. I know you are Jenny and we all believe in you. It's truly horrible what you are going through...I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy and I think you are great. Everyone in life who has a good heart deserves to be happy. Friends, family, ex's, even people you don't exactly see eye to eye with. There is good in most people and we all deserve happiness. Jenny I will say a pray for you tonight and that's a promise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 Thx Mack I really appreciate your caring! I wont screw this up! Im hanging in my room eating pizza and watching tv! Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 I don't think = I'm not sure...Not sure equals not 100%.Not 100% = you still fight. He is not sure cause he is stubborn and pigheaded. He needs to understand people make mistakes. Now some mistakes are unforgiveable. Yours was big, don't doubt that. But throwing away a 10 year happy marriage..NO! The dude will regret it when he is older. I don't think that the husband's reaction is all about being pigheaded. He is legitimately hurt and has lost trust. Even though I may not agree with the severity of his reaction, who am I to decide what someone else can or should forgive? Everyone has their own tolerance level which needs to be respected, if not necessarily agreed with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 Jenny you appear to be a classic case of men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Like many women, you want to get it all out there, lets fight it out, but come to a conclusion at the end of the day. He appears to be a person that would prefer to avoid conflict at all costs. You keep getting excited telling him we got a problem, we got a problem, until you push him into making a decision that he does not want to make. When that happens he is ticked off at you, so he picks the other side of the issue. My advise that I gave several pages ago still stands pat and that is space. You have to let him get to where he is going at his own pace. This is the hardest thing in the world for you to do, because you want to deal with it now one way or the other. However, pushing him is counterproductive to your best interests. Since temporary separation does not seem to be logistically feasible for your situation, I would do the best that you can for separation in house. Don't be mean, but don't be chatty Cathy either. You need to start working on the new you as well. Look to do those things that makes Jenny better, regardless of what he does one way or the other. Exercise is good for your health and helps to relieve stress. Taking long walks on your local nature trails will allow you to think about things without stressing out and you can air your grievances to the world (do this non-verbally or people look at you strangely...lol). Expand on a hobby that you may have ignored or start a new one you have always wanted to try. If you have extra time on your hands, volunteer to assist others, animal shelter, church activities, etc. Taking the focus off of you and helping others are good. All these things will make Jenny even more interesting that she already is and will meet new people along the way. Hubby may chose to hole up in the apartment and mope or he way decide that he wants to join life with you again. Either way you will be better prepared for whatever lies ahead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Ober thats actually good advice! Ty! I wish I could focus on something else. Im going to try I think its hard because I feel like if I do nothing I'm losing him yet what Ive done is losing him too. I just hope he doesnt sit on the sofa and sleep the next two months. That seems to be all he did before I left. Depression does that I guess Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I think its hard because I feel like if I do nothing I'm losing him I seem to remember someone warning you about that, sometimes doing nothing is the best way to achieve something. If you were stuck in a hole with nothing but a shovel, would you try to dig your way out??? Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 I don't think that the husband's reaction is all about being pigheaded. He is legitimately hurt and has lost trust. Even though I may not agree with the severity of his reaction, who am I to decide what someone else can or should forgive? Everyone has their own tolerance level which needs to be respected, if not necessarily agreed with. Nyla I have made the exact point on this thread.. We know Jenny did wrong, we know people have different tolerance levels. Now it's about looking forward and trying to help Jenny salvage this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 I seem to remember someone warning you about that, sometimes doing nothing is the best way to achieve something. If you were stuck in a hole with nothing but a shovel, would you try to dig your way out??? Yes i would try! I wish I could find "something" legal and OTC to take to help calm my nerves! Im not a drinker at all and that is a bad way to cope. I will say this some of my anxiety has calmed since Ive been here and the inital him coming home is done! Now to deal with the days ahead! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Yes i would try! Ok, analogy sounded better in my head. Using the shovel would result in a deeper hole was what i was going for. (and yes for the smart azzs i know you could form a ramp or some other such thing so don't bother pointing it out. ) I wish I could find "something" legal and OTC to take to help calm my nerves! Im not a drinker at all and that is a bad way to cope. St. John's Wort | NCCAM Safe and all natural, but doesn't work for everybody, but have heard lots of people say it helps. I will say this some of my anxiety has calmed since Ive been here and the inital him coming home is done! Now to deal with the days ahead! For now I think the worst is over, give him some time to get used to the idea that your back and hopefully things will improve. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Lol Tojaz that analogy threw me off!! Thank you for the advice! I am hoping he will talk to me. But not sure before it was me that started all the conversation. He may just be trying to fly under the radar till he can leave! Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 St. John's Wort Highly recommend this. I have taken it for depression. Did wonders. Natural/herbal... Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Nyla I have made the exact point on this thread.. We know Jenny did wrong, we know people have different tolerance levels. Now it's about looking forward and trying to help Jenny salvage this I was responding to your comment about Jenny's husband being "stubborn" because he is hurt. There is far more to his feelings than just being difficult and bullheaded. Pride is also an issue. Unfortunately, all Jenny can do at this point is wait to see where her husband's heart is after all the turmoil. I don't think this is worth divorcing over but that is not my call to make. My heart aches for both Jenny and her husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Lol Tojaz that analogy threw me off!! Thank you for the advice! I am hoping he will talk to me. But not sure before it was me that started all the conversation. He may just be trying to fly under the radar till he can leave! Well I seem to remember you posting that he came to you to tell you about his day on occasion. That's a start. Like I said, go about your business like he's not there for now. Don't approach, but let yourself be available. Oh, and keep in mind that people rarely mope around over losing things that they don't hold dear to them.... regardless of what he says, actions are what matter. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 Yeah he has done that a few times. Im forgetting that and focusing on the negative. He is moping I think. Hes been on tbe couch asleep all night. He hasnt eaten or used bathroom really sad!! I guess we shall see what tomorrow brings! Im trying to not get discouraged so soon but its hard! I really wonder ( not that it matters) if this is what he did when I was gone? This is awfully sad!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Yeah he has done that a few times. Im forgetting that and focusing on the negative. He is moping I think. Hes been on tbe couch asleep all night. He hasnt eaten or used bathroom really sad!! I guess we shall see what tomorrow brings! Im trying to not get discouraged so soon but its hard! I really wonder ( not that it matters) if this is what he did when I was gone? This is awfully sad!! It is sad, but keep in mind that regardless of what role you played, it's something he is choosing it isn't something that is being forced upon him. heres hoping tomorrow goes better for you Jenny TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted March 2, 2013 Share Posted March 2, 2013 Jenny I wish you had chosen a few weeks/months space. Staying near him when he is feeling so hurt and lost just makes things worse. Just be as patient as you can with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 2, 2013 Author Share Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) I know Mack but I really didnt have much choice in the matter. I may just be paranoid here but I feel like we are further apart then ever now. Like complete strangers. Shortly after I went to bed he woke up and turned tv on and lights on. So maybe hes not as low as I thought. It killed me cause I could here him on the computer and etc and it just made me wonder what he was up to. And though I cant change it or do anything about it I fear what he maybe doing. Parts of me think and this just could be me feeling like this today, that that fight Sunday and me leaving have changed everything and its to late. But I don't know. To early to tell! This weekend will be hard! On another note: why do I keep thinking hes having an affair? I keep saying he isnt but then go back and think he is. I know he isnt having a PA he never leaves home. But how do I know there isnt an EA online? Especially will the availabilty of using cells for everything? Any signs? I get to thinking that when I wonder why he seems so set on not fighting for our marriage. My mind is just acting crazy I hope. Part of me thinks hes so smart he will keep it a secret till we are divorced so I cant say he cheated on me. Then I am thinking he is talking this school board lady because hes told her how he hates me and how awful I am and shes is secretly helping him plan his escape. Ugh that is a huge dose of paranoidness isn't it? One thing is he called this person on his way home from work before he even knew I would be home. She isn't a trustworthy person either I think she's shady. Not in affair type possibility but she doesn't care for me much. I don't think I'm depressed at all here. I think I am having some anxiety disorder brought on by the stress of my failing marriage. I have become someone I don't know. All this worry, paranoid thinking and suspicision is killing me. Edited March 2, 2013 by Jennyfromtheblick Link to post Share on other sites
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