Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Take the good advice you have been given. Choice one and two. And any others you or fellow posters come up with.

 

And stop being defensive. It is done and done.

 

Multiple apologies weaken the validity of the original apology. You don't need to repeat yourself on the forum. We get you. You will be ok, honey. Nobody is perfect. We have all made dumb mistakes in our marriages. Move forward. Break the stalemate. Don't talk about it anymore. Just LISTEN TO HIS WORDS and observe his actions if he happens to bring it up.

 

Thanks! I think option one is what I will do! Should i act like nothing happened and treat him as i always would?

[Jabba]

He's still mad because you're still denying that you DID actually cheat on him even if not physically.

 

This dirty talk with the other man, even if it started out as a joke, continued for over a month, and you even admit it only stopped because you got caught. Had you not been caught you would have continued, it would have gotten hotter and heavier, and could have escalated into a physical affair. So you did cheat. Talking dirty to another man for over a month was obviously thrilling and exciting to you. At that point you weren't doing it to play a joke on the guy, you were doing it for the rush. And that's cheating plain and simple.

 

This is giving you the benefit of the doubt because their's still a huge likelihood that you did actually have sex with this guy, got caught dirty messaging him, and this whole ridiculous practical joke story is just a lame cover story which doesn't hold water.

[Yasuandio]

Thanks! I think option one is what I will do! Should i act like nothing happened and treat him as i always would?

 

As long as you feel you have put everything on the table, then go on and live life. I might suggest to him that you are ending that friendship or putting it on hold to concentrate on repairing your marriage. Explain, you have said your peace, told the complete truth, and if he wants to discuss it any further, it is up to him to bring the topic up. And you hope the two of you can come to terms with this by next month. (That sets a timeframe).

 

If it is unpleasant at home, go out to eat once in awhile. Don't act like nothing happened. But, just be there - and if he is non-responsive to you, do not kiss his azz. Open up a book, and find alternative interests.

 

If he continues to withdraw, then you might consider doing same. For instance, if he will not sit at the table to eat with you, then stop cooking a family meal.

 

With the time frame in mind, if there is no forward movement, I would then then consider option 2. Perhaps a few weeks, a month, tops. It has been a few months already, right? If it comes down to option 2, all you need to do is remind of of the last conversation where you had hoped there would be progress by next month. (And there will be no convo about it, unless he starts it).

Edited February 10, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Survivor12]

There are a couple of things I just can't get my head around:

 

Since it was anonymous, your friend could have carried off the deception herself. There is really no good, logical reason for you to have been involved.

 

If you didn't know that what you were doing was wrong, why did you feel the need to hide it from your husband.

 

Seems to me that the reason your husband is being "stubborn" is because, instead of offering a believable reason for your involvement and deception, you have attempted to deflect responsibility with football and beer while minimizing his feelings...which makes your apologies appear less than genuine and your "mistake" more than you claim it was.

 

At least that is how it appears to me.

[Mack05]

There are a couple of things I just can't get my head around:

 

Since it was anonymous, your friend could have carried off the deception herself. There is really no good, logical reason for you to have been involved.

 

If you didn't know that what you were doing was wrong, why did you feel the need to hide it from your husband.

 

 

Firstly OP thanks for offering more insight. You have tried to make things up to him, which I agree with. However there appears to be something lacking though, which I will get to later...

 

I agree with survivor above..and the poster that side you probably got a rush and a kick from the dirty talk and maybe there was a potential for this to end up in a physical affair. Your husband probably thinks this too.

 

I dont agree with this...

 

"Choice 1:

 

Go on with life. The only other thing you might say is that you are stoping the relationship with this friend in order to work on your marriage. That's all. Nothing else. Say nothing. Do nothing. Keep your dignity now. The ball is in his court. If he speaks, keep your mouth shut, and listen"

 

This is Ostrich stick your head in the sand syndrome. Right now there is an emotional wall between you and your husband. It won't go away by avoiding the problems and not having everything out in the open. This has been proven already as this has gone on longer then a few months. One of life's lessons. The more you avoid things, the harder it gets.

 

I don't agree with the silent treatment for a long period of time. It's a form of emotional abuse, which is very detrimental in a marriage. It's tit for tat behaviour and I feel your husband is in the wrong here. After 4 months he should know what he wants. He either wants to work on this or leave the marriage. You need to push him for a showdown, because 4 months is WAY to long. He knows what he wants and you need to find out what that is. I think he wants to stay, as if he didn't he would have gone already.

 

It seems (reading between the lines) that you are missing three things in your efforts to put this right. 1) Sincerity 2) Passion 3) Emotion. You need to sit your husband down and show how desperate you are to put things straight. There is no urgency it seems in your attempts to reconcile.

 

You need to be honest with him and get everything out on the table. Did you get a rush out of the dirty talk? Are things a little stale in your marriage? You need to ask yourself the hard questions and be honest with yourself. Hard to be honest with him, if you not being honest with yourself. Being honest may hurt your husband, but I can't see how else you can rebuild the trust and rebuild the relationship. If you did get a rush and you hide this from him, it will come back to bit you in the ass later.

 

Your excuses above ("I did this for a friend") don't wash with forum strangers, you can be damn sure it won't wash with your husband. You don't come across as sincere and you don't come across as passionate as you should be. There is more going on here under the surface, of that I am certain.

 

Time for half measures are over..Time for sticking your head in the sand is over. This needs to get resolved. One way or another..

Edited February 10, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

First, I did NOT CHEAT! Nor did I get any satisfication or enjoyment or anything out of talking to this serial cheater with An STD! I mean c'mon? Maybe I didnt explain this part enough.....My friend has a kid with him and she didnt want any way for this to be tracked to her. She asked me to and I said yes. I didnt think it would go on that long nor at the time did I think anything of it. Once it got started this guy started talking dirty and started confessing some nasty stuff and drug use.

 

I think the thrill I got which is what I explained to my husband was to off being this detective and gathering this info to help my friend keep him away from their kid. It didnt start that way. I thought we were just going to have him flirt and forward the email to his new girlfriend. But once he got talking he was like a flood gate and yeah i think i got involved emotionally but for the little girl who had apparently been to his house with hookers and drugs were present.

 

I had planned on telling husband but I just didnt. I knew he wouldnt like it but i felt driven to do it. Bad selfish judgement i know.

 

To the posting about me not being emotional or pouring my heart out I certainly did for the first 3 months. I did all those things begged pleaded cried professed my undying love, etc etc.. He has not changed his behavior or position at all. I finally have grew tired and drained of all the crying and heartache. I cant continue to do that now. I have a full time job and I almost got fired cause I just couldnt pull myself together.

 

When I have asked him what he wants he says he doesn't know. And he doesn't want to talk about it. Small talk is all I get if that. He just goes in guest room and reads or watches television or sleeps.

 

Part of me thinks he wants to stay too, but only because I think he would of left by now too. We certainly aren't hurting financially he is capable of going to his parents, or friends or even a hotel.

 

In response to us having at stale marriage. I was very happy and we had a hreat sex life. BUT i do think for me it was boring. I grew up in a drama filled home and i was used to unhappiness and things going on. So i think a quiet safe life was boring at times. Though i didnt want conflict i think sometimes you go towards that because its what your used to. I do see a counselor about my issues in relation to my past issues as a kid.

[Mack05]

Ok piece by piece we are getting more info..

 

If it were me I would sit with him and explain things can't keep going the way they are going. Explain to him again that you are truly sorry, but that the silent treatment for this long is a form of emotional abuse. If he gets defensive or still gives you the "I don't know" line, I would explain to him that you are no longer willing to function like this and then move in with someone close to me (parents, brother/sister, best friend etc etc). Living together is solving anything so maybe space is what you both need.

 

Either way things can't get going on like this..

[Yasuandio]

First, I did NOT CHEAT! Nor did I get any satisfication or enjoyment or anything out of talking to this serial cheater with An STD! I mean c'mon? Maybe I didnt explain this part enough.....My friend has a kid with him and she didnt want any way for this to be tracked to her. She asked me to and I said yes. I didnt think it would go on that long nor at the time did I think anything of it. Once it got started this guy started talking dirty and started confessing some nasty stuff and drug use.

 

I think the thrill I got which is what I explained to my husband was to off being this detective and gathering this info to help my friend keep him away from their kid. It didnt start that way. I thought we were just going to have him flirt and forward the email to his new girlfriend. But once he got talking he was like a flood gate and yeah i think i got involved emotionally but for the little girl who had apparently been to his house with hookers and drugs were present.

 

I had planned on telling husband but I just didnt. I knew he wouldnt like it but i felt driven to do it. Bad selfish judgement i know.

 

To the posting about me not being emotional or pouring my heart out I certainly did for the first 3 months. I did all those things begged pleaded cried professed my undying love, etc etc.. He has not changed his behavior or position at all. I finally have grew tired and drained of all the crying and heartache. I cant continue to do that now. I have a full time job and I almost got fired cause I just couldnt pull myself together.

 

When I have asked him what he wants he says he doesn't know. And he doesn't want to talk about it. Small talk is all I get if that. He just goes in guest room and reads or watches television or sleeps.

 

Part of me thinks he wants to stay too, but only because I think he would of left by now too. We certainly aren't hurting financially he is capable of going to his parents, or friends or even a hotel.

 

In response to us having at stale marriage. I was very happy and we had a hreat sex life. BUT i do think for me it was boring. I grew up in a drama filled home and i was used to unhappiness and things going on.

 

I understand this and grew up with same. If there is no drama - I look for some or create it. I think a drama-filled childhood can make for an "intensity-junkie" adult. Getting involved in that PI thing was pretty exciting wasn't it? Other's will love to listen to your exploits, but will think you are nuts.

 

So i think a quiet safe life was boring at times. Though i didnt want conflict i think sometimes you go towards that because its what your used to. I do see a counselor about my issues in relation to my past issues as a kid.

 

Perhaps overdoing the begging, crying professing undying love routine did not help your case. Your husband knows he married an intensity junkie. If this kind of thing has happened before (drama), just tell him you allowed yourself to get involved in someone else's drama.

 

Stop with all the "emotional" blah blah, before someone else suggests you were in an emotional affair - that is a really popular term these days. Just don't use the word emotional. Stick with Practical Joke. That's what happens when you get defensive, words start coming outta of your mouth and you are not thinking straight cause you are trying to protect yourself - then you dig yourself in deeper. Don't respond to accusations, and/or re-interpretation of the events. Get a clear concise story - and stick to it. No variations.

 

The forum has beaten you up pretty good - so you now have a quick response for every angle. No long explanations. If accused of having an affair - you simply say, "That's stupid, he has STD!" Quick sharp answer for everything. No answer - shup up, then. Say your tired of defending yourself when you have not done anything wrong. It was just a studid practical joke, that was a poor choice, period.

 

I do agree with Mack05, this has gone on long enough. HAve one final talk with him. You know how to handle the conversation about the PI BS, quick and short, and express one more time your regret, and it is over. Shift the tables, to your husband's conduct - that the silent treatment is emotional abuse and is affecting you at work,etc. Ask him for solutions. Put a timeframe on it, perhaps plan to discuss the next evening, so he has time to think about it.

 

Just as Mack05 suggests, if nothing is forthcoming, then you can propose option 2. See how he likes that. Then follow through. For at least two weeks. Let's see what Mack05 says about timeline.

 

The most important thing is that the event occured and it is over. One last convo is all that is warrented, then it is behind you. If he doesn't believe you, then he doesn't trust his wife, and he may lose you. Those are the consequences he faces when he disses you for months. You must be stong and no begging. Look at the 180's.

[Jabba]

First, I did NOT CHEAT!

 

Yes you did. You had sexually charged conversations (I assume they were rather filthy and covered what you would do to each other sexually if you actually hooked up with him?) with another man for a prolonged period of time behind your husband's back and it would have continued indefinitely until you were caught.

 

Your initial motive of a practical joke even if it's believed doesn't change what you did, only why you say you did it. It makes no difference than if you had done exactly the same thing for some other reason.

 

Once, twice, maybe even three or four times might qualify as a set up for a practical joke. One month and counting is well beyond practical joke territory.

 

 

 

Nor did I get any satisfication or enjoyment or anything out of talking to this serial cheater with An STD!

 

You must have gotten something out of it or you wouldn't have kept doing it.

 

 

 

 

I mean c'mon? Maybe I didnt explain this part enough.....My friend has a kid with him and she didnt want any way for this to be tracked to her. She asked me to and I said yes. I didnt think it would go on that long nor at the time did I think anything of it.

 

Lots of "cyber cheating" starts out similarly. The cheaters get involved in it for another reason like playing an online game. Then it escalates. That's exactly what happened to you only your reason for starting is a little bit different than usual.

 

 

Once it got started this guy started talking dirty and started confessing some nasty stuff and drug use.

 

And yet you didn't stop. You had his confession and got the goods on him plenty enough for your friend's benefit, and yet you kept going. Hence: cheating. You kept going for you, not for your friend, even if when it started you told yourself it was only for your friend.

 

 

 

I think the thrill I got which is what I explained to my husband was to off being this detective and gathering this info to help my friend keep him away from their kid.

 

But you gathered all the info you needed and kept going.

 

 

 

It didnt start that way.

 

It doesn't usually. How do you think affairs blossom out of social friendships and with people at work? They start out one way and it keeps going and transforms.

 

 

 

I thought we were just going to have him flirt and forward the email to his new girlfriend.

 

So did you ever forward the emails to the new girlfriend or not?

 

 

 

But once he got talking he was like a flood gate and yeah i think i got involved emotionally but for the little girl who had apparently been to his house with hookers and drugs were present.

 

So now the motivation changes from a practical joke to being the rescuer of the child, because you knew you had enough to bust him to his new gf but you wanted to keep it going for you. So you rationalized keeping it going as for the benfit of the child. This is exactly the same as every other cheater rationalizes getting deeper and deepr and not ending the affair. The original reason doesn't apply so they have to come up with a new reason because the real reason is they're in it for their own benefit. If you hadn't been caught odds are you would have rationalized actually meeting up with this guy and then who knows what would have happened.

 

 

 

 

 

I had planned on telling husband but I just didnt.

 

No you didn't "just didn't" tell him. You didn't tell him because you knew he would make you stop what you were doing. And you didn't want to stop because you were having too much fun.

 

And that lying and keeping of secrets is a big part of the why this is clearly cheating too.

 

 

 

I knew he wouldnt like it but i felt driven to do it. Bad selfish judgement i know.

 

"Driven" = compulsion which is also a sign that it was cheating.

 

 

To the posting about me not being emotional or pouring my heart out I certainly did for the first 3 months. I did all those things begged pleaded cried professed my undying love, etc etc.. He has not changed his behavior or position at all.

 

Look even if you want to remain in denial and insist you didn't cheat what you did was still a severe betrayal of your husband and your marriage and incredibly dumb to boot, and is divorce-worthy all on its own. Your expectation that your husband has any obligation to change his behavior or position is yet another sign of the self-entitlement of a cheater.

 

 

 

 

I finally have grew tired and drained of all the crying and heartache. I cant continue to do that now. I have a full time job and I almost got fired cause I just couldnt pull myself together.

 

Self-pity and not taking responsibility for the consequences of what you did = another indication it was cheating.

 

 

 

 

When I have asked him what he wants he says he doesn't know. And he doesn't want to talk about it. Small talk is all I get if that. He just goes in guest room and reads or watches television or sleeps.

 

He wants a wife who didn't do what you did.

 

He can never have that ever again with you.

 

So what exactly do you want him to say to you?

 

There's nothing to talk about with you since you won't admit that what you did was cheating. At least a form of cheating. Your refusal to take full responsibility makes it impossible for him to trust or forgive you and you are fully responsible for that logjam.

 

 

 

 

Part of me thinks he wants to stay too, but only because I think he would of left by now too. We certainly aren't hurting financially he is capable of going to his parents, or friends or even a hotel.

 

Excuse me but it would be you who would be leaving not him, wouldn't it? You're the one who effed up, not him. If anyone leaves, it should be you. (Only a cheater would think the innocent spouse should be the one who leaves.)

 

 

 

 

In response to us having at stale marriage. I was very happy and we had a hreat sex life. BUT i do think for me it was boring.

 

Right. You were bored. That has nothing to do with doing your friend a favor or protecting a child. You got into this because you were bored and wanted some excitement.

 

Did you get enough excitement?

 

 

 

 

I grew up in a drama filled home and i was used to unhappiness and things going on. So i think a quiet safe life was boring at times.

 

That's called FOO or family of origin issues and probably is a good part of the explanation for why you did this but as an adult you're still responsible for what you did.

 

 

 

 

Though i didnt want conflict i think sometimes you go towards that because its what your used to. I do see a counselor about my issues in relation to my past issues as a kid.

 

That's good but if you want to save your marriage you need to recognize that what you did is a form of cheating and you're still in denial of that.

[Yasuandio]

Yes you did. You had sexually charged conversations (I assume they were rather filthy and covered what you would do to each other sexually if you actually hooked up with him?) with another man for a prolonged period of time behind your husband's back and it would have continued indefinitely until you were caught.

 

Your initial motive of a practical joke even if it's believed doesn't change what you did, only why you say you did it. It makes no difference than if you had done exactly the same thing for some other reason.

 

Once, twice, maybe even three or four times might qualify as a set up for a practical joke. One month and counting is well beyond practical joke territory.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You must have gotten something out of it or you wouldn't have kept doing it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lots of "cyber cheating" starts out similarly. The cheaters get involved in it for another reason like playing an online game. Then it escalates. That's exactly what happened to you only your reason for starting is a little bit different than usual.

 

 

 

 

And yet you didn't stop. You had his confession and got the goods on him plenty enough for your friend's benefit, and yet you kept going. Hence: cheating. You kept going for you, not for your friend, even if when it started you told yourself it was only for your friend.

 

 

 

 

 

But you gathered all the info you needed and kept going.

 

 

 

 

 

It doesn't usually. How do you think affairs blossom out of social friendships and with people at work? They start out one way and it keeps going and transforms.

 

 

 

 

 

So did you ever forward the emails to the new girlfriend or not?

 

 

 

 

 

So now the motivation changes from a practical joke to being the rescuer of the child, because you knew you had enough to bust him to his new gf but you wanted to keep it going for you. So you rationalized keeping it going as for the benfit of the child. This is exactly the same as every other cheater rationalizes getting deeper and deepr and not ending the affair. The original reason doesn't apply so they have to come up with a new reason because the real reason is they're in it for their own benefit. If you hadn't been caught odds are you would have rationalized actually meeting up with this guy and then who knows what would have happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No you didn't "just didn't" tell him. You didn't tell him because you knew he would make you stop what you were doing. And you didn't want to stop because you were having too much fun.

 

And that lying and keeping of secrets is a big part of the why this is clearly cheating too.

 

 

 

 

 

"Driven" = compulsion which is also a sign that it was cheating.

 

 

 

 

Look even if you want to remain in denial and insist you didn't cheat what you did was still a severe betrayal of your husband and your marriage and incredibly dumb to boot, and is divorce-worthy all on its own. Your expectation that your husband has any obligation to change his behavior or position is yet another sign of the self-entitlement of a cheater.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self-pity and not taking responsibility for the consequences of what you did = another indication it was cheating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He wants a wife who didn't do what you did.

 

He can never have that ever again with you.

 

So what exactly do you want him to say to you?

 

There's nothing to talk about with you since you won't admit that what you did was cheating. At least a form of cheating. Your refusal to take full responsibility makes it impossible for him to trust or forgive you and you are fully responsible for that logjam.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Excuse me but it would be you who would be leaving not him, wouldn't it? You're the one who effed up, not him. If anyone leaves, it should be you. (Only a cheater would think the innocent spouse should be the one who leaves.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Right. You were bored. That has nothing to do with doing your friend a favor or protecting a child. You got into this because you were bored and wanted some excitement.

 

Did you get enough excitement?

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's called FOO or family of origin issues and probably is a good part of the explanation for why you did this but as an adult you're still responsible for what you did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's good but if you want to save your marriage you need to recognize that what you did is a form of cheating and you're still in denial of that.

 

Listen dude, you made your point, twice now. She doesn't need you to keep rubbing it under her nose like cat shyt. What she did is out there and up for various interpretation. Her husband is the closest person to her, and is in the best position to judge her true character - not you. It is up to him to respond to this matter appropriately. It is not your job to berate her. She knows she made a serious mistake. Let's allow the girl to move forward in the most positive way. She has been dealt the silent treatment for months. Enough is enough.

[Jabba]

Listen dude, you made your point, twice now.

 

I responded to OP's denial that what she did was cheating. Or at least perceived by her husband that way.

 

 

 

 

She doesn't need you to keep rubbing it under her nose like cat shyt.

 

You just compared her behavior to....well you know what you just compared it to.

 

Not me.

 

 

 

What she did is out there and up for various interpretation.

 

I assume that "what she did" is exactly what she said she did. There is nothing about what she did that requires interpretation.

 

 

Her husband is the closest person to her, and is in the best position to judge her true character - not you.

 

And he has apparently made his judgment--not me. The OP's problem is that she doesn't understand and doesn't want to accept her husband's judgment. I have tried to give her insight into this.

 

 

It is up to him to respond to this matter appropriately.

 

No, it is up to him to respond the way he chooses to respond. OP believes her husband is "stubborn." He is not being stubborn from the viewpoint of a husband who believes he was betrayed by his wife.

 

OP still doesn't believe she betrayed her husband. He obviously does. That is why there is an impasse.

 

Under any circumstances what she did is completely inexcusable in a marriage and it doesn't matter if she didn't have sex with the OM or had other reasons which she thinks justifies her behavior. She has completely destroyed his trust. All based on her own actions. Calling her husband "stubborn" shows she has not accepted full accountability and responsibility for her actions. That's not her husband's fault. It's her fault. She created the lack of trust by her actions and if her husband is being "stubborn" she is responsible for that state of affairs.

 

 

It is not your job to berate her.

 

She was not berated. Her behavior was honestly and objectively evaluated by someone with no personal stake in the matter.

 

It doesn't matter to me what OP chooses to do or not do. She is perfectly free to leave her husband or not. It's not my life.

 

However--if she wants to understand why her husband seems "stubborn"--and a strategy to save her marriage--I have provided useful, objective advice towards that goal.

 

Repeatedly playing her savior on this message board as some posters feel they should do, will not help her achieve her stated goal of saving her marriage.

 

 

 

She knows she made a serious mistake.

 

On the contrary she does not really believe it was that big of a deal and she believes her husband has overreacted. What she did even if not "cheating" per se was a deal-breaker, a trust-breaker, a marriage-breaker. The reason he seems to have overreacted if that's what it is is directly because of her attitude. She doesn't have to agree with that perspective of course.

 

 

Let's allow the girl to move forward in the most positive way.

 

That's up to her of course. None of "us" have any ability to "allow the girl to move forward" or not. I have no control over her actions and neither does anyone else here; we just state opinions for what they are worth.

 

 

 

 

She has been dealt the silent treatment for months. Enough is enough.

 

Yes I agree with you there. She should take full responsibility for what she did to break the logjam with her betrayed spouse, which is all I have recommended, as a means to encourage her husband to be more trusting and more communicative.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Curious here Jabba what do you think I should do??

 

My husband is being stubborn! Regardless whether we split or work things out he should be talking to me about things. 2 wrongs dont make a right!

 

I am taking responsibility Jabba! But I'm talking to walls here. How do you suppose I talk to someone who doesnt want to talk?

 

I wont even respond to the rest its rubbish! Lets stick to a solution not could of would of should of and analizing of everything I type.

[Yasuandio]

Curious here Jabba what do you think I should do??

 

My husband is being stubborn! Regardless whether we split or work things out he should be talking to me about things. 2 wrongs dont make a right!

 

I am taking responsibility Jabba! But I'm talking to walls here. How do you suppose I talk to someone who doesnt want to talk?

 

I wont even respond to the rest its rubbish! Lets stick to a solution not could of would of should of and analizing of everything I type.

 

Over-analyzing and attempted mind-reading is more like it.

 

 

 

There's your backbone, girl! I'm surprised Mr. Jabba didn't propose you commit hara-kiri as a solution! I guess he was giving you a break. Keep your chin up, walk tall. You made a mistake, own it, and go forward. That's all you can do. You will be fine no matter the outcome. All people, you, your husband, me, Jabba, we have all made some dumb mistakes. You are not alone.

[tojaz]

Curious here Jabba what do you think I should do??

 

My husband is being stubborn! Regardless whether we split or work things out he should be talking to me about things. 2 wrongs dont make a right!

 

I am taking responsibility Jabba! But I'm talking to walls here. How do you suppose I talk to someone who doesnt want to talk?

 

I wont even respond to the rest its rubbish! Lets stick to a solution not could of would of should of and analizing of everything I type.

 

Looks like people are quickly splitting into factions here, nothing chases away a new poster faster.

 

Jenny, your strongest defense here is also the biggest hurdle for you to overcome, the fact that you are the only one that truly knows your mindset, and intentions when you were emailing this guy. That will now and forever only truly be known to you, everyone else is asked to choose what they will believe, that includes your husband.

 

The back story, the joke, the detective work, have no bearing on your husbands interpretation of what happened, and it never will. All he knows is that his wife had been exchanging sexual messages with another man for an extended period of time. Unless you have a detailed plan of your plot notarized by the pope and witnessed by your H's Mom that's going to be all he knows.

 

While whether or not it's cheating or not can be debated until the end of time without coming to a resolution, it most definitely is a betrayal of your husbands trust and you know that, otherwise you would have told him what you were doing up front or even better asked how he felt about it before you engaged in it. Him having to discover it most likely did more damage then anything you said to this guy ever would have. Dirty little secrets are relationship killers, always have been, always will be.

 

Apologizing isn't enough, and acknowledging it was a mistake isn't going to be enough either because you are doing all of that from your perspective, a perspective where it was a joke etc. That's not how your husband is seeing it, and the more you try to convince him to see it that way, the deeper the hole your going to dig. Take an honest look at it out of context the way your husband is seeing it and it becomes a much less trivial matter. That's a place to start.

 

Your H is not being stubborn, you are being punished! HE doesn't know what happened, or what to believe, or what to do next. All he knows is he's extremely hurt and he wants to be sure you know that. There is nothing you are going to buy him or do for him that is going to change that. As a matter of fact any gesture you attempt right now is going to be seen through untrusting eyes.

 

Every buzzer, flashing light, red flag, and smoke signal he has is in an uproar right now. All you can do is let him have some time to process it all and remain as honest, consistent, and transparent as you can. BE cautious of his sensitivities and lack of trust and try to empathize with how he is viewing these events. That's really your only move until he's willing to at least listen.

 

Right now, past history and time are going to work in your favor, but what started as a little joke has most likely caused damage that can take years to fix. I hope you get the opportunity to do that, there are far too many relationships that end up on the scrap heap due to one insensitive and careless lapse of judgment.

 

TOJAZ

Edited February 10, 2013 by tojaz

[Mack05]

Like that post Tojaz. Think Jenny will too..

[Jennyfromtheblick]

So give him time? Forgive me for sounding dumb but is it "normal" for him to stay upset this long?

 

I know I shattered trust and I wish I knew how to fix that now. I know it takes a long time, if at all, to rebuild trust.

 

I worry the more time that goes by the more hopless our union staying together is.

[tojaz]

So give him time? Forgive me for sounding dumb but is it "normal" for him to stay upset this long?

 

I know I shattered trust and I wish I knew how to fix that now. I know it takes a long time, if at all, to rebuild trust.

 

I worry the more time that goes by the more hopless our union staying together is.

 

Nothing about this situation is "normal"

 

Until recently I was involved with a thread that involved a much less serious slight and it had spanned over 6 months, he just recently agreed to give the marriage an honest try.

 

Giving him time doesn't mean sitting on your hands and hoping for the best, but it does mean not pushing and pressuring him.... or setting a time limit. Your going to be on his clock for awhile Jenny. You don't have to allow him to treat you poorly, and you don't have to kiss his arse, but recovery is going to be at his own pace.

 

Your asking him to forgive something that to many men would be unforgivable. Not to mention possibly full of pitfalls along the way. If he was on this forum instead of you, he would be finding story after story of guys (and ladies as well) that have tried to do just that... forgive the unforgivable and move on. Many of those stories start with just innocent Emails etc. and most do not have happy endings, including my own.

 

For all that has happened, your in about as good a position as you could hope for and you've found a bunch of people that are willing to help, but in the end, it's going to be up to him.

 

TOJAZ

[Jabba]

Curious here Jabba what do you think I should do??

 

You need to do what's right for you. I can't tell you how to live your life. No one can.

 

 

My husband is being stubborn!

He's doing what's right for him.

 

 

Regardless whether we split or work things out he should be talking to me about things. 2 wrongs dont make a right!

If you want to communicate with him in a neutral setting marital counseling might be helpful.

 

 

 

I am taking responsibility Jabba! But I'm talking to walls here. How do you suppose I talk to someone who doesnt want to talk?

Like I said marital counseling.

 

 

 

I wont even respond to the rest its rubbish! Lets stick to a solution not could of would of should of and analizing of everything I type.

OK you're telling me what opinion I can have and what parts of what you have said are subject to evaluation. If you're taking the same approach with your husband then he might think there is no point talking to you since your close-minded when you sense you are being criticized.

 

Marital counseling should help because when you try to shut your husband down the counselor can make sure he gets a chance to speak and you must listen to him respectfully and not put down his concerns.

 

Equally so the counselor can point out to your husband that his lack of communication is not fair to you and try to draw him out of his shell.

 

If your husband is unwilling to go to marriage counseling you should just file for divorce and let him go free to find a woman who respects him and loves him enough not to do what you did.

 

By the way since you asked me what you should do, did you get rid of the friend who has caused you all this grief yet--and that would be permanent no contact? She is toxic to your marriage. If you ever get in another relationship she will do her best to destroy that one too.

Edited February 11, 2013 by Jabba

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I wish I had found this board at the beggining of this stuff!

 

My gut tells me he is really hurt and to give him more time. My heart breaks for being such an idiot and hurting him. He has been a great husband and everyday he looks at me I see the pain I caused him. I feel like kicking my own arse.

 

I dont kiss his butt anymore, but I'm kind and respectful. I still think if he wanted to depart this marriage he would. His family is all out of state and he only came to MD because of me and moved in and we got married. So I would think he would leave.

 

I can't stomach divorcing him. I'll fight like a cat in a bag first for him and our marriage. Roomates sounds awful but on point we are that!

 

Anyone have a magic wand!

 

I did ask him about marriage counseling. His reply was I need it not him :-(

[Nyla]

Been married 10 tears! Very happily so! A few months back my bff and I decided to play a trick on her ex who cheated on her and gave her an std. This was her idea but I went with it! I pretended to to like him and made a fake profile and was flirting and etc. the point was to show his new gf before she got hurt too but it went further.

 

The talk turned very very dirty and though it was fake to me this went on for a month. It only stopped because my husband saw i left my email up and he freaked out and though I explained it was fake etc etc and all he is still upset and acts completely different with me. He moved into the guest room and I have apologized and etc but it just doesnt help.

 

He acts as if I actually cheated and I am angry with myself for doing this as its typical teenage behavior not that of a 32 year old. He really seems hurt but what can I do if he is not willing to forgive me? Should I just leave him or let him get over this in time?

 

I feel like this is not a deal breaker but I cant change what I did and I told him it was nothing. He barely even will talk. He just mopes around

 

How can you talk about your husband's "typical teenage behavior", when you did something very juvenile for a grown married woman? Do you honestly think you have not been unfaithful to your husband, just because you didn't actually go to bed with that man you were talking to?

 

I don't understand why you would participate in such an adolescent prank. Why did you continue to talk dirty to another man for a month if it was just fake? You were being very inappropriate and your husband has every right to be angry with you.

 

Show your husband that you are mature enough to handle the commitment of marriage. Stop talking dirty with other men and be more trustworthy. In time, your husband can get past this if he chooses to. If not, that is your penance for being unfaithful with words.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

The typical teenage behavior was about what I did not about my husband!

 

Yeah I made a HUGE MUSTAKE..

 

Thanks for pointing that out I had no idea!!

[tojaz]

I wish I had found this board at the beggining of this stuff!

 

My gut tells me he is really hurt and to give him more time. My heart breaks for being such an idiot and hurting him. He has been a great husband and everyday he looks at me I see the pain I caused him. I feel like kicking my own arse.

 

I dont kiss his butt anymore, but I'm kind and respectful. I still think if he wanted to depart this marriage he would. His family is all out of state and he only came to MD because of me and moved in and we got married. So I would think he would leave.

 

I can't stomach divorcing him. I'll fight like a cat in a bag first for him and our marriage. Roomates sounds awful but on point we are that!

 

Anyone have a magic wand!

 

I did ask him about marriage counseling. His reply was I need it not him :-(

 

Jenny, give it time. Use that time to get your head right, if your panicking and he's in anger mode, your going to hit a stalemate real fast. One of you is going to have to start thinking rather then just reacting, and theres only one of you that you have any control over.

 

I know it sounds counter intuitive to sit and wait, and it will always feel like you should be acting on something... anything, but now's not the time.

 

Keep being kind and respectful, but not a doormat, there will be a time for action, but that isn't until he's actually able to see it past all the emotion he's feeling now.

 

TOJAZ

[Jabba]

I did ask him about marriage counseling. His reply was I need it not him :-(

 

 

That's your opening.

 

Find a marriage counselor. Set up a series of appointments and start going. Tell him you would like him to go with you but even if he doesn't you will go by yourself because you want to work on the marriage.

 

A good marriage counselor can help you figure out a way to try to get through to him even if he doesn't go with you. Also he may change his mind and agree to go if he sees you really mean it and going by yourself would show him you mean business.

 

He may also be enticed to start going because he doesn't only want you to tell your side of the story to the marriage counselor.

 

Be sure to pick a marriage counselor who will be fair to both sides. Some of them are awful unfortunately and will take sides. You don't want that.

[imtooconfused]

So give him time? Forgive me for sounding dumb but is it "normal" for him to stay upset this long?

 

I know I shattered trust and I wish I knew how to fix that now. I know it takes a long time, if at all, to rebuild trust.

 

I worry the more time that goes by the more hopless our union staying together is.

 

Rebuilding the trust is one thing, but the silent treatment for 4 months is quite different.

 

I don't agree with the silent treatment for a long period of time. It's a form of emotional abuse, which is very detrimental in a marriage. It's tit for tat behaviour and I feel your husband is in the wrong here. After 4 months he should know what he wants. He either wants to work on this or leave the marriage. You need to push him for a showdown, because 4 months is WAY to long. He knows what he wants and you need to find out what that is. I think he wants to stay, as if he didn't he would have gone already.

 

The silent treatment is pretty much standard procedure with my partner, so I forget how damaging it is. It IS a form of abuse. Four months is an extremely long time.

 

I don't have any other advice for you beyond my own opinions.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Husband isn't completely giving me silent treatment. He will sometimes talk about meaningless stuff. I should clarify, he talks but very little. If i ask him a question he'll answer. He will talk to me to tell me if anyone called or about anything about home. He just doesnt talk much. Like I had said not even to vent his anger at me!

 

I'm afraid he is holding it all in which could be scary when he finally lets it out.