Stubborn husband might leave me

[imtooconfused]

Husband isn't completely giving me silent treatment. He will sometimes talk about meaningless stuff. I should clarify, he talks but very little. If i ask him a question he'll answer. He will talk to me to tell me if anyone called or about anything about home. He just doesnt talk much. Like I had said not even to vent his anger at me!

 

I'm afraid he is holding it all in which could be scary when he finally lets it out.

 

If he only talks to you about things he can't avoid telling you, like phone messages but doesn't talk about other things, this IS the silent treatment, and it's wrong. Very specifically, he chooses to NOT talk about what needs to be talked about the most... what is causing him to be so upset, why he is holding on to that anger for so long and what it will take to repair the marriage.

 

Marriage counseling would help. Perhaps you can find a good counselor on your own on a one-on-one basis for a time and then find a way to bring him in.

[Owl]

OK...so have you point blank asked HIM what you can do to help fix the situation? Directly, unavoidably?

 

Don't let him cop out with an angry, sarcastic remark. If he does so, disregard it and ask him the same question again, making sure that you spell out to him that you WANT to fix things, but given how the last several months have been going, you don't know how to do so.

 

Personally, I think you've got some awesome advice from Tojaz on all of this.

 

The bottom line is that your H may never forgive you for this. What you did was so painful to him, so emotionally devestating, that he simply may not be able to do so. You may have to accept that he'll never forgive you, and you'll have to make your own decisions as to what you do with this relationship from there.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Hi Owl-

 

I have asked him and his response was he doesn't know what I can do. He also said at that time he has NO trust for me.

 

At another time when he was angry he said "if he did know why would he tell me, its your job to figure out"

[pteromom]

At another time when he was angry he said "if he did know why would he tell me, its your job to figure out"

 

THIS is why he needs to go to a counselor with you. The counselor will help him answer the question of what you can do to fix it for him.

 

I understand why he's upset. I mean, it seems like you were cheating, even if you weren't. You can see how the whole story sounds like it was made up, right? So he thinks you were cheating. And in a way, you were.

 

Because even if you had no intention of meeting this guy and even if you had no feelings for him, you were having a lot of fun manipulating him and trying to get information out of him for your friend. So you were putting energy into your fake relationship with this guy.

 

At the same time, I think your husband is being a bit of a baby doing this silent treatment thing.

 

Rather than let this issue be the elephant in the room, you need to keep talking about it. Write him a little note and put it in his car, saying that you are sorry and you love him and want to rebuild what you had. Walk up to him and say "I'm sorry" and hug him with everything you have. Stop doing things trying to buy his love back, and instead focus on being vulnerable and openly sorry.

 

And yes - make an appointment with a counselor. Tell your husband he is welcome, but that you will go alone if he doesn't want to go, and give him the chance to decide what to do.

[Owl]

Hi Owl-

 

I have asked him and his response was he doesn't know what I can do. He also said at that time he has NO trust for me.

 

At another time when he was angry he said "if he did know why would he tell me, its your job to figure out"

 

Then you need to simply respond to him and tell him "if YOU don't know what you need me to do...how in the heck am I supposed to know?".

 

I agree with the idea that you INSIST that he go with you to counseling.

 

At the end of the day, he'll either forgive you, or he won't.

 

You need to decide what your course of action will be in either of those scenarios, and you need to determine for yourself how long you are willing to let the situation remain in a status quo before you make that decision for yourself.

 

Here's the thing...you did something stupid. Something he may never forgive you for. He's not required to forgive you for what you've done.

 

But with all of that said, you're not required to live every day of your life trying to guess what he wants you to do in order to make things right.

 

At some point...someone needs to make the choice to put the marital relationship out of it's misery if it's not going to recover.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He dies acknowledge he KNOWS I did not cheat! He knew my friend had a horrible ex and details around it. He feels so ill will toward her just me cause I would do that.

 

I can only suggest counseling I can't make him go and I'm sure he won't go but like said I supposed if he doesnt decide I will have no choice but at some point to decide. That saddens me but I can't live being treated like I'm nothing. For 10 years I have been a great wife and done so many good things. It would be so sad if he and I divorced over this.

 

Also when I say this happened for a month it wasnt fb msgs everyday at any means. And one week there was no communication. Not that it matters I was wrong!

 

I had told hubby one time I was helping Kelley get info from ex but I never told him to what means I was going to.

[pteromom]

For 10 years I have been a great wife and done so many good things. It would be so sad if he and I divorced over this.

 

Don't discount the possibility that there may be more going on with him than just this one issue. Your actions may have been a convenient excuse to act like a jerk due to some other reason.

[Yasuandio]

Then you need to simply respond to him and tell him "if YOU don't know what you need me to do...how in the heck am I supposed to know?".

 

I agree with the idea that you INSIST that he go with you to counseling.

 

At the end of the day, he'll either forgive you, or he won't.

 

You need to decide what your course of action will be in either of those scenarios, and you need to determine for yourself how long you are willing to let the situation remain in a status quo before you make that decision for yourself.

 

Here's the thing...you did something stupid. Something he may never forgive you for. He's not required to forgive you for what you've done.

 

But with all of that said, you're not required to live every day of your life trying to guess what he wants you to do in order to make things right.

 

At some point...someone needs to make the choice to put the marital relationship out of it's misery if it's not going to recover.

 

 

Tojaz and Owl,

 

HE realizes that she did not cheat. But continues the silent treatment punishment. She faced him down with Owl's questions, and he flipped the question on her. Option 1 clearly hasn't worked. What about 2? Take a break, break the stalemate, stay with family members for a couple weeks. What do you guys think about this? Yas

[Owl]

He dies acknowledge he KNOWS I did not cheat! He knew my friend had a horrible ex and details around it. He feels so ill will toward her just me cause I would do that.

 

I can only suggest counseling I can't make him go and I'm sure he won't go but like said I supposed if he doesnt decide I will have no choice but at some point to decide. That saddens me but I can't live being treated like I'm nothing. For 10 years I have been a great wife and done so many good things. It would be so sad if he and I divorced over this.

 

Also when I say this happened for a month it wasnt fb msgs everyday at any means. And one week there was no communication. Not that it matters I was wrong!

 

I had told hubby one time I was helping Kelley get info from ex but I never told him to what means I was going to.

 

OK...so he doesn't view your actions as cheating.

 

So how DOES he view them?

 

If it's not cheating...what's he so pissed about?

 

Has he spelled that out to you?

[Owl]

Tojaz and Owl,

 

HE realizes that she did not cheat. But continues the silent treatment punishment. She faced him down with Owl's questions, and he flipped the question on her. Option 1 clearly hasn't worked. What about 2? Take a break, break the stalemate, stay with family members for a couple weeks. What do you guys think about this? Yas

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, giving space isn't an answer to this kind of situation.

 

I think that perhaps she should 'break the stalemate'...but she'd better be ready to accept that if she goes he may well ask for that seperation to be permanent.

[imtooconfused]

I think that perhaps she should 'break the stalemate'...but she'd better be ready to accept that if she goes he may well ask for that seperation to be permanent.

 

Absolutely true! But if her husband chooses to never communicate, there is no relationship. It's easy to rationalize from our outside view, but I would not want to live with someone who had such disrespect for me and my efforts to reconcile, no matter how much love was there in the past.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

He views what I did is an act of "disrespect for our marriage and him" and he had said I lied in his eyes by keeping it from him. And talking like that to another man.

 

I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm stuck thinking about this great 10 year marriage weve shared, not the last 4 months. I just cant leave him :-( I'm such a weak idiot for doing this. I really hate myself.

[imtooconfused]

Jennyfromtheblick, I completely understand where you are coming from. I do think counseling will help. It sounds like he will be reluctant to go, but I think you have to do your best to engage him on some level in MC. If you started counseling on an individual basis and at some point asked him to join you, he might go along.

[tojaz]

He dies acknowledge he KNOWS I did not cheat! He knew my friend had a horrible ex and details around it. He feels so ill will toward her just me cause I would do that.

 

I can only suggest counseling I can't make him go and I'm sure he won't go but like said I supposed if he doesnt decide I will have no choice but at some point to decide. That saddens me but I can't live being treated like I'm nothing. For 10 years I have been a great wife and done so many good things. It would be so sad if he and I divorced over this.

 

Also when I say this happened for a month it wasnt fb msgs everyday at any means. And one week there was no communication. Not that it matters I was wrong!

 

I had told hubby one time I was helping Kelley get info from ex but I never told him to what means I was going to.

 

Ok Jenny, keep in mind what i said that you have to relate to this from how HE is seeing it, not how YOU are trying to explain it. I don't say that to try and beat you over the head with what you did, I say that so that you can better relate to him and how he is experiencing this.

 

He views what I did is an act of "disrespect for our marriage and him" and he had said I lied in his eyes by keeping it from him. And talking like that to another man.

Telling you up front that I am posting here to help and that I truly believe this was all innocent from your telling.... He's right on all counts Jenny, your never going to convince him otherwise and it will be foolish and a waste of effort to try... see above.

 

Tojaz and Owl,

 

HE realizes that she did not cheat. But continues the silent treatment punishment. She faced him down with Owl's questions, and he flipped the question on her. Option 1 clearly hasn't worked. What about 2? Take a break, break the stalemate, stay with family members for a couple weeks. What do you guys think about this? Yas

 

I don't think it would break the stalemate and would just give him more rope to run with his already suspicious mind.

 

Him flipping Owls question was an honest answer and was a much more desirable answer then "There's nothing you can do"

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I feel like I'm married to a sibling. It stinks big time! So much advice here but yet I haven't got a clue which direction to go. I asked him last night if he wanted some brownies I made? He said NO thank you. I said John, I miss you. He said well I'm sorry you feel that way but your not hurting me again! I'm not going to let that ever happen again. I just walked away because I wasn't feeling up to the drama. What does that even mean?

 

Also I asked him a month ago why he stayed if he did not trust me? He had no answer for me. That is rather weird too. It's not like I do anything for him, we are pretty modern people we both just do whatever needs done

 

 

Something that boggles me is that eventually wouldn't he want to be happy and have someone else rather than just stay married to someone he feels isn't trustworthy. I'm trying to see it from his perspective but it's hard.

Edited February 12, 2013 by Jennyfromtheblick

[imtooconfused]

Something that boggles me is that eventually wouldn't he want to be happy and have someone else rather than just stay married to someone he feels isn't trustworthy. I'm trying to see it from his perspective but it's hard.

 

He is not acting in a reasonable way, so I don't know if anyone can explain his behavior. I think he must realize that he risks being hurt by others much worse than how he feels you hurt him. He could find someone else who would go through with cheating. He might have come to realize this after he already dug himself a hole too deep so that his pride and ego would be damaged if he backed down now, so that the only option that he sees is to keep digging deeper (presumably until he reaches the other side of the earth).

 

Another trap you find yourself in is that he may just be biding his time until you do get tired of the loneliness and find some comfort outside the home. Then he can say... "See, you are a cheater!"

Edited February 12, 2013 by imtooconfused
additional info

[Mack05]

Jenny I think you need to sit him down, no background noise and state very clearly this cannot go on. Ask him where he wants to go from here. Mention counselling, trial separation, divorce. Just be as honest as you can be.

 

Tell him very clearly you don't want to lose him but this simply cannot go on a day longer. If he continues this nonchalant distant behaviour then I would leave if I were you. That is a HUGE gamble but this cannot go on. This isn't a marriage anymore..

[Owl]

Jenny I think you need to sit him down, no background noise and state very clearly this cannot go on. Ask him where he wants to go from here. Mention counselling, trial separation, divorce. Just be as honest as you can be.

 

Tell him very clearly you don't want to lose him but this simply cannot go on a day longer. If he continues this nonchalant distant behaviour then I would leave if I were you. That is a HUGE gamble but this cannot go on. This isn't a marriage anymore..

 

I agree with this, if the OP is strong enough to do it. He DOES need to realize that by treating her the way he is, and taking absolutely zero action to change the situation, he's forcing HER to do so.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I think there may be a possibilty my husband is cheating. I have no proof but I just started making notes on his behavior and our talk and I just noticed the last 3 weekends he disappears for 4-5 hours on one of the days. I can see spending on our bank record on those dates but it isnt anything for anything alarming but after spending 24 hrs reading tons of posts on here I'm curious

 

So what affordable ways can I check on him??? Anything to expensive would be a red flag to him.

 

I worried that his delaying of ending or fixing our union may be due to a third party interest that has come to light! I don't want to have any talks yet until I get to the bottom of this possible situation. I don't want him to know I'm looking into this or if he is fooling around he'll be on his best behavior. Also If he is doing something I think it may be online too. How do I navigate that when its his cell phone he uses mostly to email and facebook? I actually have someone I fear he maybe talking to on FB but I don't have his password.

 

Lets keep it all legal too!

Edited February 13, 2013 by Jennyfromtheblick

[Mack05]

Gez Jenny this is a mess. Listen he may be having an affair. The fact that he doesn't want sex. In his head he might justify having an affair, because in his head you 'cheated' first..

 

I am an old fashioned believer in just talking it out. Seems the trust is completely gone in this marriage..Sneaking around behind his back looking for evidence of cheating is not a way to get that trust back....

[Yasuandio]

I am a firm believe in trust but verify by getting information. If you are a co-card owner, you can track all purchases by setting up an on-line access account. I learned a heck of a lot from that. Just take one card out of his wallet at a time, and snap a photo of both sides. Pesto.

 

Also, you can order all the cell phone records and exact text messages from your carrier, if you are one of the owners of the cell phones. Get a year's worth - it will cost about $75. Have them sent to a differnt address or post office box, unless you are absolutely positive you will receive them in the mail.

 

If your not the owner of the cell phone - you can still try to set up an online access account - but he may already have one because of what you did.

 

I cannot tell you to leave a voice activated tape recorder in convient places where he may talk on the phone - because it is illigal to tape record conversations that you are not a party to, and in some states it is illigal to record conversations without telling the person.

 

However, as long as you are still living together as man and wife, you can put a GPS on your property - such as a vehicle. The systems work great these days. Check it out on eBay. It cost a few bucks though. But well worth the investment. But remember - it will only tell you where the car is located - not who is in it - or what they are doing.

 

A phone with a gps might be a cheaper solution, check Walmart. GPS tracking pings are dirt cheap - and they are LIVE data! It is so crazy to cross analyze the GPS data with the phone data - everything makes sense. A grand story unfolds before your eyes. No pictures needed.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I am a firm believe in trust but verify by getting information. If you are a co-card owner, you can track all purchases by setting up an on-line access account. I learned a heck of a lot from that. Just take one card out of his wallet at a time, and snap a photo of both sides. Pesto.

 

Also, you can order all the cell phone records and exact text messages from your carrier, if you are one of the owners of the cell phones. Get a year's worth - it will cost about $75. Have them sent to a differnt address or post office box, unless you are absolutely positive you will receive them in the mail.

 

If your not the owner of the cell phone - you can still try to set up an online access account - but he may already have one because of what you did.

 

I cannot tell you to leave a voice activated tape recorder in convient places where he may talk on the phone - because it is illigal to tape record conversations that you are not a party to, and in some states it is illigal to record conversations without telling the person.

 

However, as long as you are still living together as man and wife, you can put a GPS on your property - such as a vehicle. The systems work great these days. Check it out on eBay. It cost a few bucks though. But well worth the investment. But remember - it will only tell you where the car is located - not who is in it - or what they are doing.

 

A phone with a gps might be a cheaper solution, check Walmart. GPS tracking pings are dirt cheap - and they are LIVE data! It is so crazy to cross analyze the GPS data with the phone data - everything makes sense. A grand story unfolds before your eyes. No pictures needed.

 

Ok this is a start: Maybe I am reaching or jumping to conclusions here but as I was reading over posts on the site many similar issues where husband was acting this way it was cheating. So I need to be sure before I waste anymore heart on this. It is such a shame we have come to this point but he is doing some strange things for someone married. The no sex, and The disappearing for hours and is guarding cell very closely.

 

In response to the ideas:

 

-All credit cards are in both names and they are all paid off and I do have 100% access to those. Thus far zip on them

-cell phones are in his name and I do have access to our records and I spent last night going though the last 6mth logs. No new or didferent numbers called, or incoming and very little texts and all are from either me or his family and a few from friends. He doesnt have any close friends. He texts very very little.

-gps in car like you said is only so good but I am hoping to get his cell phone if he will let it alone! He will have that whether he is in car or not and they have an app I have got that I can track it. BUT I have to go into his phone first and turn it on. That is the tricky part because he keeps it on him all the time!

[Mack05]

Should I use my invisibility to fight for good or for evil?

 

You know Jenny I'm glad I am not married to you. A wife that talks dirty to strangers and then tries to go behind my back to check up on me, because she doesn't trust me...

 

The behaviour of a very emotionally immature woman..

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Should I use my invisibility to fight for good or for evil?

 

You know Jenny I'm glad I am not married to you. A wife that talks dirty to strangers and then tries to go behind my back to check up on me, because she doesn't trust me...

 

The behaviour of a very emotionally immature woman..

 

Sorry Mack but its not emotionally immaturity its fact finding. And when my spouse refuses communication, starts disappearing for hours and guards his phone it appears strange. Yet I'm to be open which he has preached to me about after those emails. I have given up all privacy and I don't mind but for him to start keeping me out now not when this happened but all the sudden it triggers questions and I'm not going to apologize anymore to people on here for what I did. Judge away thats is fine but if any of us were perfect spouses we would not be here. I'm sorry people get kicks from throwing up my faults on a thread where I am trying to get help and putting myself out there flaws and damage and all.

 

I'm human, sorry! your glad your not married to me? I'm glad I'm not married to you either.

[Mack05]

Sit down with him Jenny! Je$$%. Sit down and talk about everything. Don't give up because he is nonchalant or dismissive. Do whatever it takes to get his attention..

 

Then talk about your fears of divorce, your fears of his potential affair. Talk about trial separation, how isolated you feel, how truly sorry you are, marriage counselling etc etc. EVERYTHING..Everything that's on your mind.

 

Going behind his back snooping is not the answer. If he catches you its game over...Can't you see that? If he still won't talk after your concerted effort(s) then you tell him it's best you leave, as it simply isn't working. You can then both re-evalute things while you are apart. Maybe u can make a go of things, maybe not but it is the best option.

 

Right now it should be about trying to find a solution, not making a potentially even bigger mess then the one u are already in...

Edited February 14, 2013 by Mack05