Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Rest of evening went well! Lately I go everynight and walk an older ladys dog so she doesn't have to go outside at night. Last night her son was home so they didnt need me but at about the time I leave John did ask me if I was going.

 

My niece stayed over last night and he overheard me telling her a story about how my friends daughter accidentally heard me and her mom talking about easter gifts and the little girl almost figured the easter bunny secret out cause of my big mouth. Needless to say John was listening and he asked me about it. Not much but hes kinda interested in me.

 

He cleaned up dishes after dinner and we watched a show on tv together and had ice cream. We had a moment, sounds weird but when i thanked him for cleaning up he said yeah no problem and looked at me. I say we had a moment because it was the way he looked at me! You know just that look like your loved? Maybe im weird.. Haha

 

I said goodnight to him and i feel like he wanted to come in room too. Cant explain it but he seemed sad to say goodnight. I am probably thinking to much

 

This is why I can control myself something is definately changing

[tojaz]

Rest of evening went well! Lately I go everynight and walk an older ladys dog so she doesn't have to go outside at night. Last night her son was home so they didnt need me but at about the time I leave John did ask me if I was going.

 

My niece stayed over last night and he overheard me telling her a story about how my friends daughter accidentally heard me and her mom talking about easter gifts and the little girl almost figured the easter bunny secret out cause of my big mouth. Needless to say John was listening and he asked me about it. Not much but hes kinda interested in me.

 

He cleaned up dishes after dinner and we watched a show on tv together and had ice cream. We had a moment, sounds weird but when i thanked him for cleaning up he said yeah no problem and looked at me. I say we had a moment because it was the way he looked at me! You know just that look like your loved? Maybe im weird.. Haha

 

I said goodnight to him and i feel like he wanted to come in room too. Cant explain it but he seemed sad to say goodnight. I am probably thinking to much

 

This is why I can control myself something is definately changing

 

Maybe your thinking too much, but you know your husband best and the way you write, there is a difference between you talking about his looks and subtle actions and you trying to pin a meaning on every move he makes. I think maybe somethings getting through. Keep it up and lets see what happens next..... might be a good opportunity to revisit Yas's post about subtly dolling yourself up for him.

 

TOJAZ

[Mack05]

Jenny good to see you had a good night. See what happens when you keep your cool!

 

Can I tell you what REALLY worries me though? Right now you are on an emotional roller-coaster. I mean yesterday you were looking at options to get John off the lease, because he didn't ask about your day. Ok Jenny was off her rocker, but right now we can't afford to have excuses.

 

Your mind is working at 1000 miles an hour. You are over analyzing his actions and you and reacting to every little thing. This is not doing you any good. There will be big tests ahead and you need to try gain a better hold on your emotions. You need to stop reacting to every little thing (whether its positive or negative).

 

Now I know it must be hard, but if you don't gain a better control on these emotions that explosion I keep taking about...WILL HAPPEN..Let me repeat that. IT WILL HAPPEN. If it happens your marriage is probably over.

 

Jenny you need to google articles about emotional control and over analyzing. Right now you are too emotionally inconsistent to see your plan through until the end. It won't work. Right now you are just scraping by.

 

Ok if John is positive everyday and things are progressing they way you hope, then all should be good. It's when things don't progress the way you hope, that the potential for disaster comes. You come here and vent, but there will be a situation that really upsets you in the coming months and you will be too emotional to come vent here, so you will lash out at him. All that pent up stuff will come out in the wrong way.

 

This is one of the reasons I do not agree with your current path. I can't see how you can keep a lid on your emotions. Thus far you haven't shown me the emotional maturity that you can pull this off. It is hard to keep a lid on these emotions when your marriage is the way it is. When your husband is behaving the way he is. But you HAVE to.

 

My point is Jenny the ONLY way your plan will work, is for you to control these emotions. To not over analyze every little thing he says/does and to not react without thinking things through thoroughly. Unless you address this, I really fear for you. It's got to come to a point you don't need Loveshack to help you get through a potentially dangerous situation. You will need to know how to instinctively handle various scenario's without needing advice. You need to think clearly while having control.

 

IMO you are miles away from that right now and this you have to address. You need to learn on the go.

Edited March 20, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny good to see you had a good night. See what happens when you keep your cool!

 

Can I tell you what REALLY worries me though? Right now you are on an emotional roller-coaster. I mean yesterday you were looking at options to get John off the lease, because he didn't ask about your day. Ok Jenny was off her rocker, but right now we can't afford to have excuses.

 

Your mind is working at 1000 miles an hour. You are over analyzing his actions and you and reacting to every little thing. This is not doing you any good. There will be big tests ahead and you need to try gain a better hold on your emotions. You need to stop reacting to every little thing (whether its positive or negative).

 

Now I know it must be hard, but if you don't gain a better control on these emotions that explosion I keep taking about...WILL HAPPEN..Let me repeat that. IT WILL HAPPEN. If it happens your marriage is probably over.

 

Jenny you need to google articles about emotional control and over analyzing. Right now you are too emotionally inconsistent to see your plan through until the end. It won't work. Right now you are just scraping by.

 

Ok if John is positive everyday and things are progressing they way you hope, then all should be good. It's when things don't progress the way you hope, that the potential for disaster comes. You come here and vent, but there will be a situation that really upsets you in the coming months and you will be too emotional to come vent here, so you will lash out at him. All that pent up stuff will come out in the wrong way.

 

This is one of the reasons I do not agree with your current path. I can't see how you can keep a lid on your emotions. Thus far you haven't shown me the emotional maturity that you can pull this off. It is hard to keep a lid on these emotions when your marriage is the way it is. When your husband is behaving the way he is. But you HAVE to.

 

My point is Jenny the ONLY way your plan will work, is for you to control these emotions. To not over analyze every little thing he says/does and to not react without thinking things through thoroughly. Unless you address this, I really fear for you. It's got to come to a point you don't need Loveshack to help you get through a potentially dangerous situation. You will need to know how to instinctively handle various scenario's without needing advice. You need to think clearly while having control.

 

IMO you are miles away from that right now and this you have to address. You need to learn on the go.

 

I know my emotional state is delicate but whose wouldnt be! Im trying its really all i can do. Reading stuff is great but i believe only i can control me and im going to get frustrated and going to need to vent and that is a fact. Believe it or not just writing my feelings down helps me so much. Im not an angry person who yells and screams or punches things.

 

Maybe your right maybe when i dont get the response i want i get upset and i stir but thats me and in a normal situation i dont want to change that but for this which is not normal i need to adjust how i deal with my response because it has the potential to push john away

[Mack05]

I know my emotional state is delicate but whose wouldnt be! Im trying its really all i can do. Reading stuff is great but i believe only i can control me and im going to get frustrated and going to need to vent and that is a fact. Believe it or not just writing my feelings down helps me so much. Im not an angry person who yells and screams or punches things.

 

Maybe your right maybe when i dont get the response i want i get upset and i stir but thats me and in a normal situation i dont want to change that but for this which is not normal i need to adjust how i deal with my response because it has the potential to push john away

 

I'm not asking you to change Jenny. I am asking you to make adjustments and look to self improve.

 

I used to be a nightmare to argue with. I would raise my voice, lose my cool, I wouldn't listen. I knew I had to change and I did. It wasn't easy but I did. Now I am awesome in a volatile situation.

 

I know it's not easy, I made reference to that above. However, I can't see how this ends happily unless you make adjustments. Try watch the thinker. When you see yourself obsessing about John, try to think about something not relationship related. Even better try clear your head and not think at all. There is a skill to that but if Mr obsessing 2010 (aka me) can do it, so can you.

 

When you feel you are losing a little control, take deep breaths until you feel back in control. Learn how to meditate. This will be a HUGE help to you. These are just little adjustments but CRUCIAL one's. The attitude "well that's just me" is not good enough Jenny. You need to be open to self improvement, you have to bring something new to the table. You need to understand your marriage problems are more than just dirty talk to a #$%&. In this situation its not just a good thing to self improve, is actually necessary (for both).

Edited March 20, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I'm not asking you to change Jenny. I am asking you to make adjustments and look to self improve.

 

I used to be a nightmare to argue with. I would raise my voice, lose my cool, I wouldn't listen. I knew I had to change and I did. It wasn't easy but I did. Now I am awesome in a volatile situation.

 

I know it's not easy, I made reference to that above. However, I can't see how this ends happily unless you make adjustments. Try watch the thinker. When you see yourself obsessing about John, try to think about something not relationship related. Even better try clear your head and not think at all. There is a skill to that but if Mr obsessing 2010 (aka me) can do it, so can you.

 

When you feel you are losing a little control, take deep breaths until you feel back in control. Learn how to meditate. This will be a HUGE help to you. These are just little adjustments but CRUCIAL one's. The attitude "well that's just me" is not good enough Jenny. You need to be open to self improvement, you have to bring something new to the table. You need to understand your marriage problems are more than just dirty talk to a #$%&. In this situation its not just a good thing to self improve, is actually necessary (for both).

 

Mack your still a nightmare to argue with!! Lol i know its crucial! Im not opposed to self improvement at all infact i think ive made a lot of improvement but rome wasnt built in a day and jenny cant be perfect over night especially if im faking it and not being myself. Im trying but real change cant be forced its gotta come and im actually doing well. That was my first of many challenges and i overcame it but not letting it destroy me. It hindered me for sure but i didnt lose my cool.

 

I wish i knew how to stop thinking about John and our marriage 24/7 and all. Its so hard not to and i do meditate but im not good at it yet i cant focus long

[Yasuandio]

I do not disagree with Mack - but want to point out, that shuttinh down your personal counter-perspective this is temporary - not perminent.

 

Under normal curcumstances, it is heathy to speak up for yourself - not hold things in. What happens when you "hold things in" is exactly what is happening to you right now. It builds up inside - until you either blow.

 

If you "hold things in" for many many years, you can develop a serious illness (like in my case). over 27 years, I never spoke up, I was never angry, I allowed some pretty agregious behavious - and failed to set proper bounderies. I just never felt angry, just disappointed, or depressed. I always blew it all off and just did my own thing. I was always nice, sweet, and calm, forgiving. The negative behavior esculated, and he turned into a monster. And I really didn't look good, during those years, I looked like sort of a matron according to my new friend. Now that he is gone, I look a heck of a lot better, is fact, my new friend tells me the first time she saw me her perception was "Hot - Trendy Chic," that makes me kinda proud! (but I have a serious illness that is not going to go away - that's from holding stuff in for two decades).

 

So very soon, once you have a meeting of the minds with John on this issue, the responsive, healthy Jenny is going to come back. Your voice will not be silenced forever, it can't be. So again, the anxiousness you are feeling is because you are going against your heathy grain, so to say - and holding things in. Course of action, calm Jenny, no verbal challenges, keep the peace, straegically slip-in a one of Tojaz' "subliminal reality check" everytime you can, and wait it out. Believe the "Good John is going to recover himself. This is the plan. Stick to it.

 

Once you get thru this, you will be able to speak your mind again, and express your true feelings. But right now - think of it as, you are no longer dialoging with the man, as another "subliminal reality check" - for what good does presenting your position do? If you are getting a divorce, you do not want him to know anything in your head. And you sure don't want him to cite any irregular behavior. Perhaps use this idea to psych up your battle plan. Hope this help honey. Yas

Edited March 20, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I do not disagree with Mack - but want to point out, that shuttinh down your personal counter-perspective this is temporary - not perminent.

 

Under normal curcumstances, it is heathy to speak up for yourself - not hold things in. What happens when you "hold things in" is exactly what is happening to you right now. It builds up inside - until you either blow.

 

If you "hold things in" for many many years, you can develop a serious illness (like in my case). over 27 years, I never spoke up, I was never angry, I allowed some pretty agregious behavious - and failed to set proper bounderies. I just never felt angry, just disappointed, or depressed. I always blew it all off and just did my own thing. I was always nice, sweet, and calm, forgiving. The negative behavior esculated, and he turned into a monster. And I really didn't look good, during those years, I looked like sort of a matron according to my new friend. Now that he is gone, I look a heck of a lot better, is fact, my new friend tells me the first time she saw me her perception was "Hot - Trendy Chic," that makes me kinda proud! (but I have a serious illness that is not going to go away - that's from holding stuff in for two decades).

 

So very soon, once you have a meeting of the minds with John on this issue, the responsive, healthy Jenny is going to come back. Your voice will not be silenced forever, it can't be. So again, the anxiousness you are feeling is because you are going against your heathy grain, so to say - and holding things in. Course of action, calm Jenny, no verbal challenges, keep the peace, straegically slip-in a one of Tojaz' "subliminal reality check" everytime you can, and wait it out. Believe the "Good John is going to recover himself. This is the plan. Stick to it.

 

Once you get thru this, you will be able to speak your mind again, and express your true feelings. But right now - think of it as, you are no longer dialoging with the man, as another "subliminal reality check" - for what good does presenting your position do? If you are getting a divorce, you do not want him to know anything in your head. And you sure don't want him to cite any irregular behavior. Perhaps use this idea to psych up your battle plan. Hope this help honey. Yas

 

Yes that helps!! One thing john liked about me was i spoke up! :-) he liked my sassy side!

[Mack05]

I think Yas is better at articulating everything that I am trying to say.

 

I understand Rome wasn't built in a day and that is the exact danger behind your strategy Jenny. If you lose it, the effects will be devastating. John won't have a clue where it came from and it could be the thing that triggers "That's it"..

 

Ok there are dangers in how I want to do things as well. The advantage with my strategy, is everything that you want to say to John would have come out in a calm articulated way. He may not like it, but at least things were said on your terms.

 

Jenny if you pull this off you are a heroine. I'm just saying it's going to be exceptionally hard to stay positive, cool and in control until June. Especially when you have the constant nagging in your mind that this could all be a total waste of time.

 

I guess its just up to us to keep you calm and positive :-). As for us arguing it's a good thing we didn't get married Jen. We'd kill each other haha.

[tojaz]

We had a moment, sounds weird but when i thanked him for cleaning up he said yeah no problem and looked at me. I say we had a moment because it was the way he looked at me! You know just that look like your loved? Maybe im weird.. Haha

 

I said goodnight to him and i feel like he wanted to come in room too. Cant explain it but he seemed sad to say goodnight.

 

something is definately changing

 

So I want to hear more about this Jenny, what happened?

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

So I want to hear more about this Jenny, what happened?

 

TOJAZ

 

Not much to say we were just sitting on couch and when he said no problem and looked at me it was just the look. It just the way he looked at me its hard to describe but it was the most sincere look. John always had love in his eyes for me, sounds weird, but i could tell just by how he looked at me how he felt.

 

I saw that in his eyes just for a second.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Tonight we are talking a lot. Its just flowing conversation. I remember when this started it was more quiet less talk now its more talk less quiet. I just get this gut feeling hes softening.

 

But im only seeing it in his body language as it seems more at ease. He seems more open but hes not making any moves. Nor he he doing anything else but we are just over a week with this new John so i dont expect anything like that yet.

 

I just really see him changing and softening and i gotta admit if he goes i think mack is right im going to be surprised and ill take it hard.

[tojaz]

Not much to say we were just sitting on couch and when he said no problem and looked at me it was just the look. It just the way he looked at me its hard to describe but it was the most sincere look. John always had love in his eyes for me, sounds weird, but i could tell just by how he looked at me how he felt.

 

I saw that in his eyes just for a second.

 

Doesn't sound weird Jenny, I think we've all known a version of that look.

 

Tonight we are talking a lot. Its just flowing conversation. I remember when this started it was more quiet less talk now its more talk less quiet. I just get this gut feeling hes softening.

 

But im only seeing it in his body language as it seems more at ease. He seems more open but hes not making any moves. Nor he he doing anything else but we are just over a week with this new John so i dont expect anything like that yet.

 

I just really see him changing and softening

 

Trust the body language for now Jenny, like i said before, it's the hardest thing for someone to fake or conceal.

 

Is the conversation anything particular?

 

I wouldn't look for him to make a move anytime soon, at least nothing very obvious. If he is softening in more then just his actions, he will probably be doing the subtle thing just like you. I would keep doing what your doing and remember the subtle reminders we talked about if you see a safe opportunity now that he's in a more receptive state. Otherwise, just keep an eye on that body language and such.... and obviously keep us in the loop.

 

and i gotta admit if he goes i think mack is right im going to be surprised and ill take it hard.

Still quite some time before we get to thinking about that.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Doesn't sound weird Jenny, I think we've all known a version of that look.

 

 

 

Trust the body language for now Jenny, like i said before, it's the hardest thing for someone to fake or conceal.

 

Is the conversation anything particular?

 

I wouldn't look for him to make a move anytime soon, at least nothing very obvious. If he is softening in more then just his actions, he will probably be doing the subtle thing just like you. I would keep doing what your doing and remember the subtle reminders we talked about if you see a safe opportunity now that he's in a more receptive state. Otherwise, just keep an eye on that body language and such.... and obviously keep us in the loop.

 

 

Still quite some time before we get to thinking about that.

 

TOJAZ

 

The conversation was mostly about him weighing his work options! Trying to prepare for if the old job offers him his spot back and the same $! I was weighing in and trying to help him figure out what he can compromise on and what he shouldnt. We chatted about a few other things but nothing much else as much as the work thing.

 

When I came home he told me the old job wants him back and called him today but that they need him to do application first and then talk pay. Hes actually making the conversation which is nice.

[Yasuandio]

I think Yas is better at articulating everything that I am trying to say.

 

I understand Rome wasn't built in a day and that is the exact danger behind your strategy Jenny. If you lose it, the effects will be devastating. John won't have a clue where it came from and it could be the thing that triggers "That's it"..

 

Ok there are dangers in how I want to do things as well. The advantage with my strategy, is everything that you want to say to John would have come out in a calm articulated way. He may not like it, but at least things were said on your terms.

 

Jenny if you pull this off you are a heroine. I'm just saying it's going to be exceptionally hard to stay positive, cool and in control until June. Especially when you have the constant nagging in your mind that this could all be a total waste of time.

 

I guess its just up to us to keep you calm and positive :-). As for us arguing it's a good thing we didn't get married Jen. We'd kill each other haha.

 

 

Mack. I think between now and June, seeing the new job (which is 20 miles further away), is becomming a topic of discussion - it will not be long before Jenny lowers the boom with a Tojaz Subliminal Suggestion. Already, pay is about to be discussed, how convienent! I can just hear Jenny commenting:

 

"You know, John, the extra salary will really come in handy for the security deposit on your new place."

 

Sorry, I just had to say it!

 

Suggestions:

 

Jenny, I think you need to come outta your dressing room, unannounced, all dolled up to the nines. Then state that you have a girl's night out, "see ya later" - (as you go out the door), and come home somewhat late. Let him cook 4 himself, u dine out with the girls.

 

Start dressing a bit different, perfume, go get your hair jazzed up - some highlights and lowlights, at the salon - a totally new look, a perm or something - CHANGE, NO ASK. GO bloande, or something noticable and fantastic. This is for you. Wear more dresses, Spanx, and some platform high heels, or high heeled platform boots. Check out TJ MAXX or Marshalls, Apazazzo's are my favorite boots - cheapest on Amazon and Ebay. You gotta change it up, IMO. A new lipstick or gloss too. A leather jacket. Hot.

 

Long chandellier earings (you can get brand name BeBes for 10-12 on eBay). Feminin - dresses, a little cleevage, legs, legs legs (Spanks for that - also on eBay cheap). Put your hair uo, and show the back of your neck - men cannot resist this. Even a pony tail works great!

 

Let him see this girl he has. He will be pulling the hair out of his testicles. I promise you. Do it. Be glamour-girl. You can alwaya say, "well, I have to prepare myself to catch another husband."

 

OK, it is just one of Yas's Merlot induced, late night ideas. Please forgive me. I had to do it.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Mack. I think between now and June, seeing the new job (which is 20 miles further away), is becomming a topic of discussion - it will not be long before Jenny lowers the boom with a Tojaz Subliminal Suggestion. Already, pay is about to be discussed, how convienent! I can just hear Jenny commenting:

 

"You know, John, the extra salary will really come in handy for the security deposit on your new place."

 

Sorry, I just had to say it!

 

Suggestions:

 

Jenny, I think you need to come outta your dressing room, unannounced, all dolled up to the nines. Then state that you have a girl's night out, "see ya later" - (as you go out the door), and come home somewhat late. Let him cook 4 himself, u dine out with the girls.

 

Start dressing a bit different, perfume, go get your hair jazzed up - some highlights and lowlights, at the salon - a totally new look, a perm or something - CHANGE, NO ASK. GO bloande, or something noticable and fantastic. This is for you. Wear more dresses, Spanx, and some platform high heels, or high heeled platform boots. Check out TJ MAXX or Marshalls, Apazazzo's are my favorite boots - cheapest on Amazon and Ebay. You gotta change it up, IMO. A new lipstick or gloss too. A leather jacket. Hot.

 

Let him see this girl he has. He will be pulling the hair out of his testicles. I promise you. Do it. Be glamour-girl. You can alwaya say, "well, I have to prepare myself to catch another husband."

 

OK, it is just one of Yas's Merlot induced, late night ideas. Please forgive me. I had to do it.

 

Lol the old job is 20 + miles away but the current is about 23 miles away lo!

 

today i got blonde highlights in my brown hair! Id get it cut but i know he loves it long so haha!!

 

I can tried getting all dolled up but not sure hed notice or care! :-/

[Yasuandio]

Lol the old job is 20 + miles away but the current is about 23 miles away lo!

 

today i got blonde highlights in my brown hair! Id get it cut but i know he loves it long so haha!!

 

I can tried getting all dolled up but not sure hed notice or care! :-/

 

Bangs are in. But the highlights are great. Who cares if he notices - but he will. You just don't notice that he notices, that's all. Doll it up big time. You need rewards for sucking it up. Some nice Apapezzo Boots, BeBe earings, you totally deserve it. Go treat yourself to a hot look - that will compensate for the pis't off feeling you are bound to get here and there. Then when you get ticked - just remind yourself, well, I got my highlights, so it must be time for mani and a pedi. A reward everytime you feel like shyt. Agreed? It's for you honey, not for him. But if it unleaches his inner manhood in the process, I'm happy with that.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Yasuandio

[Mack05]

Love this idea Yas...Jenny could you organise a night out at short notice for tomorrow night? new dress, new perfume, looking hot. Stay in your room till the last minute, don't cook dinner. Then just as your leaving say meeting the girls tonight, talk to you tomorrow and just smile as you leave...He will be like......"what the hell!!!"...

 

I can't speak for John, but as Yas pointed out I'd be pulling hairs out! Just make sure he see's you leave..

 

Love the sudden change up.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I have my niece all weekend so not sure what i can arrange. One thing i worry with is with the trust issue on shakey grounds him getting annoyed more than anything im out all dolled up god knows where till late.

 

I know im not supposed to be thinking but this concerns my future soi gotta think on this. This buisiness with a new job makes me wonder if itdoesnt allow him the oppurtunity to wom out if some stuff and blame it on changing jobs?

For example out joint account he could easily not set up Direct deposit and instead choose to just give me money towards the bills. It gets him out of health care too just if he leaves his current job we lose that till he can enroll in new. Other thing hes mentioned is job security theschool hes at now fires and hires teachers all the time due to performance he has said that worries him. And he knows the old place isnt like that SOOO im wondering if him planning to move still is why hes so concerned cause he needs to have that security?

 

Just some ponderings im doing. He did say yesterday that things at the new school have been getting better the last week and hes conflicted. Im scared to that i could be reading him all wrong and hes still full fledge in moving out mode.

[tojaz]

I have my niece all weekend so not sure what i can arrange. One thing i worry with is with the trust issue on shakey grounds him getting annoyed more than anything im out all dolled up god knows where till late.

 

I know im not supposed to be thinking but this concerns my future soi gotta think on this. This buisiness with a new job makes me wonder if itdoesnt allow him the oppurtunity to wom out if some stuff and blame it on changing jobs?

For example out joint account he could easily not set up Direct deposit and instead choose to just give me money towards the bills. It gets him out of health care too just if he leaves his current job we lose that till he can enroll in new. Other thing hes mentioned is job security theschool hes at now fires and hires teachers all the time due to performance he has said that worries him. And he knows the old place isnt like that SOOO im wondering if him planning to move still is why hes so concerned cause he needs to have that security?

 

Just some ponderings im doing. He did say yesterday that things at the new school have been getting better the last week and hes conflicted. Im scared to that i could be reading him all wrong and hes still full fledge in moving out mode.

 

I think your reading too far ahead again Jenny, let the job thing shake out for itself so you can keep your main focus at home.

 

I'm guessing from how you describe john, that he's really not someone who embraces change. Would that be a fair guess?

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Yes correct neither us really like change

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Not sure if anyones out there but i was curious how many of you heard your spouse say one thing and do another? I was reading through the 180 and one of the "rules" was "Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify"

 

Anyone believe this to be pretty true?

 

Im a little stressed today! Talked with my mom and im really concerned by somethings she said. Shes is really concerned hes going to leave me and she wants me to talk to him and see what his plans are. Especially since i know i may not be able to stay here with just my incone according to apt office. My mom likes john but thinks he meant what he said.

 

I just dont want to make waves! I feel like I prob. should have a plan in tact but I still feel theres a chance and time for him to have a change of heart. I know Im in the minority for thinking so but hopes all i have.

[Mack05]

Hey Jen. I can't speak about the first paragraph above, as honestly I don't know.

 

If you want my opinion (and a lot of this is just guesswork) I believe John has decided to move out and this nice chatty stuff, is because he wants to see out the lease (god knows why) and that he wants peace. I could easily be wrong. Anyway you already know my opinion on what you should do (I agree with your mom), so there is no point in continually regurgitating it.

 

Try not react tonight. This is important. No rash decisions, no panic.

 

Tomorrow, I think one of the first things that you need to do is determine if you can afford the rent on your own going forward. I think you need to start planning, just in case John is moving out. The reason I say this is, if John drops the bombshell you are going to go into severe panic mode. You will be under too much emotional stress to do anything. This could have a serious impact on your job and I remember you saying you are on a little thin ice there?

 

Just try not to panic tonight...Tonight is not for sitting him down.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Mack05

[tojaz]

Yes correct neither us really like change

Well, then thats another thing that can work in your favor.

Not sure if anyones out there but i was curious how many of you heard your spouse say one thing and do another? I was reading through the 180 and one of the "rules" was "Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify"

 

Anyone believe this to be pretty true?

 

I think that's pretty accurate in most cases Jenny and it was true in mine. She contradicted herself almost constantly and in the years I've been involved in situations like this, that has always seemed to be a theme for the people wanting out.

 

Its a tool to help them be more resolute in their actions towards you, they speak in absolutes so that they don't have to defend their decision and to discourage you from challenging them. You always have to look at he whole picture because words can say one thing yet actions often speak an entirely different story, that's why words rarely work in the early goings, because the other person isn't willing to "hear" them.

 

Im a little stressed today! Talked with my mom and im really concerned by somethings she said. Shes is really concerned hes going to leave me and she wants me to talk to him and see what his plans are. Especially since i know i may not be able to stay here with just my incone according to apt office. My mom likes john but thinks he meant what he said.

 

I just dont want to make waves! I feel like I prob. should have a plan in tact but I still feel theres a chance and time for him to have a change of heart. I know Im in the minority for thinking so but hopes all i have.

 

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

 

It is smart to have something in place and to crunch the numbers etc. in case the worst happens, could also give you a little extra confidence to know that your at least secure in that regard whatever may come. You don't need a formal declaration of his intentions to prepare that though, you know your finances and you know the date the lease is up, thats all you really need to get things in order and to find out if you will be able to swing the lease on your own, from a business stand point, think like he will be leaving so that you are covered financially either way.

 

TOJAZ

[Yasuandio]

First of all, as others have stated, I reiterate, don't panic - stick to the plan.

 

Now, I'm going to give you my take after hearing from your Mom. That does not mean change or revise anything especially at this moment, on a wim, or on impulse.

 

Review This first:

 

If any change in plan and strategy design occurs - you come here. You remember how Tojaz asked you what your next move was to be (and you really didn't know, other than "status quo")? And then Tojaz came up with the perfect move: "Subliminal Message" technique. That is why you come here. To figure out your moves and stratagies ahead of time. OK Girl.

 

Your Mom

 

Tihs was an important piece of insight that none of us can ignore. Mom knows everyone, especially John, and loves her daughter, she is probably in the best position to venture a prediction, whether any of us like it or not. That is why I'm saddened by her perspective. I think we all need to come up with some additional interventions to suppliment current war plan. Natually, none of these will involve separation, because, clearly, Jenny is not comfortable with separation. Here are just a couple off the top of my head ideas for future intervention - or to up the anti:

 

1. If you don't already, start attending Church, every Sunday morning. Don't even say where you are going unless asked. This is going to be a private matter - you don't need a companion. Make sure to shake hands with the reverands and pastors, so they can welcome you. See if the church has a divorce group. I think you might find it helpful - either way. In a week or two, I want you to schedule a meeting with one of the lower level pastors to establish raport, a sense of belonging, and to discuss your problems, and if you believe, to have the pastor pray with you to have God forgive you for any misdeed John percieves, and pray for John's forgivness. Depending on your faith and relationship with the Church, you might ask the Pastor to visit, or come to dinner, and/or bless your home. Yeah, that's right, a third party in the home. Well, that might be too much in this short of time. See idea 3.

 

2. Start seeing a therapist now. You are under a lot of pressure. I was wrong to say, "suck it up, you can see a therapist later." Every once in while, Jenny, you are showing battle fatigue, and coming dangeriously close to cracking under pressure. Both Mack and I are mature adults, and we both admit to you, very honestly, that there is no way we COULD NOT "push the envelope," (SHOVE THE ENVELOPE OR CRAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT, OR UP SOME PLACE THE SUN DON'T SHINE WOULD BE MORE ACCURATE), with the burdon you carry on your shoulders. Jenny, you have been truely amazing. I am not BSing you. I do not easily give compliments.

 

3. Jenny, I want you to tell us more about your Mom, and her relationship to your marriage. Please tell us more about her level of wisdom. And also, how you are affected by her perspective today. A young lady needs the wisdom of her Mother in times such as these. I am going to go so far as to suggest that you start leaning more on your Mother. In fact, I'm going to suggest that she visit you on a regular basis at your house during this crisis. While you and your Mother are discussing private matters, you will adjorn to you bedroom, and close the door. And I think somee of these meetings should take place when John is there. Perhaps your Mom will also join the family for dinner, as well. My point is, if there is going to be a "gaslighting" pretense going on in this home, let's bring in a third party to observe. That will throw a monkey wrench into the works.

 

4. I do agree the math on the dwelling situation needs to be done apriori. That's just common sense. You need to know if you can afford this dwelling NOW. If you cannot, you need to discover dwelling near your work that are within your budget - like yesterday. This is the reason why. John has told you in no uncertain terms that he does not plan to be on the new lease. You must technically function as if this is a fact. Now what you are doing in the home by being calm, nice Jenny is different. But smart Jenny has to cover her aZZ.

 

5. Besides 4, you need to see an attorney - to see if there are any alimony, pension, or support considerations on a ten year marriage. Sorry, but that is business. And I promise you, if his intention is to leave, he will attend to business. Cover yourself - know ahead of time what you expect, for the reasons I am going to refer to below.

 

These are just ideas to suppliment here and there. Comments, Opinions?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Topic: Stages of Grief

 

I have written a couple posts about how the plan in place might psychologically add some baggage to our sweet Jenny. Baggage that might complicate other methods of reconcilation applied iIF or when couple is forced to have space, indeed if it even happens. I think it has to be considered in the big picture of things.

 

For instance, if John leaves, as Jenny's Mom predicts, space will occur. But the usefulness of the space apart will be somewhat challenging. Jenny and John will be in two entirely different places emotionally, and further apart than is the typical scenerio of a trypical married couple embarking on a separation, in my estimation. OK. I'll try to describe what I mean. Not to say this is exactly what will happen - only to illustrate how far apart the current plan is bringing the couple, should it not work, and they separate (this is not to mention the pent up emotions Jenny must at least sub-counsciouly be bearing whilst sucking it up):

 

Scenerio - John Really Leaves at End of Lease (Jenny really is worried about this)

 

John: John will have to go thru the usual stuff at the beginning, a new start, sometimes exciting, sometimes scary, then the period of questioning if it's the right choice. Then questioning whether it's too late to go back. Then suddenly, he is going to grow to miss Jenny big time (if she stays 180 & NC), and be re-thinking if divorce is the right direction.

 

While John is in angst, really missing Jenny, the best position...........

 

Jenny: By this time, she will be emotionally spent, and after finding she has been in denial so long (I mean she's already sensing it at this time), she will probably be deeply grieving the marriage. At the very least, the beginning of the process will be on her plate. Certainly, ANGER will be the MAIN COURSE, after months of "The Plan." Not a good starting position to apply reconcilation techniques. She may be so hurt and angry, perhaps even bitter, that she may feel a human desire to express it to him - and who would blame her? But of course, that would be the exact WRONG thing to do. She may feel a sense of him leading her on all these months. Afterall, couples separated under the same roof, facing divorce, do not usually present like this! What seems to be taking place at their house - it's confusing, sometimes bizarre.

 

I think it fair game to seriously factor this into our thinking about current plan, and Jenny needs to be quite clear "what shes asking for" emotionally by taking this good faith risk, shall it fail. Every once in awhile, we see it getting to Jenny, understandably. But all we can tell her is BUCK UP.

 

I have expressed my thoughts of the long-term effects a few pages back on this. Getting a therapist now would help a great deal. Also, Jenny, making a pledge that you will blame no one, not even John, if the plan does not work out. That would also allivate some of my trepidations written herein.

 

Continue with Plan as your choice to Stand for the Marriage, because you believe the Good John is coming back. And if this thing backfires, then let it go, and start anew. There are many strategies for separated couples. IF you have a positive attiude. Honey, do you get me? Yas

Edited March 22, 2013 by Yasuandio