Stubborn husband might leave me

[Yasuandio]

Before I got down and dirty with the detective work, I learned my most valuable clue by paying my husband a sincere compliment.

 

I said to him, dispite the problems and issues we had had, that I really loved the life that he worked so hard to provide for us. That I was so happy, we had such a beautiful home, and such nice things. How proud I was of his success in the business we purchased.

 

My husband began to pace back and forth, nervously. He said "I am a bad, bad husband." I told him, "no, no you are not." Then he walked inside from the patio, and strangely said, "I'm just trying to keep the family together." I really don't know what that meant. We don't have any children - and had no financial problems.

 

My former husband was an extremely selfish, hostile, narcissist type personality - would never normally admit an error on his part. And at the time, I didn't pick up on it - as I was so comfortable in the marriage, with it's problems. But when he said he was a bad husband, that was my cue to inquire - and I did not.

 

And he honestly looked rather guilty about something - he looked at the ground when he said it. He later did a terrible thing to me - and abandoned me in a foreign country without my medications and glasses.

 

Well, I just told you that story so you can see where I'm coming from. It turned out there was a lot of secrets. Many, even with technology, I will never know the full extent. But the conclusion is obvious.

 

And that is what you need to ask yourself. Are you merely in a "confirmation bias" mode - trying to find fault with him to cast attention away from your own misdeed? Did his behaviors start occuring before what you did? How soon before? Because I think Mack is right, if you are blameshifting, this will bite you. But if it is a true and distinct possiblity - it could explain why your husband is having an over-the-top reaction for and unreasonable period of time.

 

I say find what you can - but don't screw with his cell phone - you will get caught. I gave you a number of different ideas. Study them carefully. Do not be wreckless.

 

Having the open discussion about your husband's possible adultry I think is pretty stupid under the curcustances. Men typically deny, deny, deny. In the case your husband is having an affair, and is willing to punish you as he is - (knowing you just did something dumb), I hardly think he will come out with the truth.

 

One more note on PI work. Don't follow him - cause you will get caught. Once you get caught - you will never catch him. Again - don't mess with his phone.

 

Try giving him a nice sincere compliment - like the story I told you - and watch his reaction very closely.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I dont think I'm blame shifting at all. I am to blame alone for what I did! He is acting strange and maybe its just hurt and not knowing what to do with our situation but he the last few days especially has been acting so different. And some things people consider signs of cheating I'm seeing.

 

I just feel like hes acting extreme. Knowing he forgave his bmf back home for stealing from him and fraud yet cant even sit down and talk to me is so unlike him. Believe it or not I DON'T want to find he is cheating but I'm not idiot either and I don't want to be the dumb girl whose husband cheated to get back at her cause she hurt him.

[Yasuandio]

OK Girl. Slow down, and listen. From your last post, it now seems that you are just sensing the cheating thing recently. Not from a long term signs.

 

So, I am drasically changing my position on this right now. You are hurt and confused - and getting no answers. And it is a strong possibility that yyou are engaged in "confirmation bias." Look that up on the internet. It means that you are spinning everything you see the way you want it to look to prove your point - rather than dealing with matters at hand.

 

Go back to what Mack told you, and do it. Period. I had the impression you had these suspicions for some time. But not. Go talk to your husband like Tojaz and Mack have advised. Or pay him a compliment and watch his reaction.

 

If he is mean enough to do a revenge affair because you did something dumb - then you don't have a good husband. Just stop spinning, and talk to him - lay it on the line like Mack said. Study the consensus. Option 2 seemed to win out in the end. Don't bother with the PI work. You won't want to believe it, if it is there. And if it isn't there, you might imagine it is. That is very easy to do, young lady. It is better not to go looking for it in some cases. Done and done.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Yasuandio

[tojaz]

Jenny, right no he has you living in a vacuum, that means that he's giving you absolutely no information, you don't know what is happening, what he's thinking, or what he's doing. When that's coming from someone we care about, it's enough to make anyone feel very insecure, not the insecurity mumbo jumbo either, an actual lack of security in our place in the world!

 

Couple this forum where every other post screams cheater every time a thread starts and someone who is desperately seeking answers, it's not long before everything that goes bump in the night is him sneaking in the back with lipstick on his collar. Unlike many people would believe, that's not always the case and actually a lot less then many would have you believe.

 

I can't say he is or isn't, but I can tell you that muddying up the waters any further then they already are is not going to help your cause one bit and will most likely just make things worse.

 

Keep your focus where it needs to be, if he's playing dirty he will slip up eventually and the truth will come out, but if he isn't and you get caught digging it will just take a bad situation to worse and put him that much more on guard and reinforce that wall between you. Exactly the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish!

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

John and I did speak last night and basically me talking. I was cool headed and stayed on point. When I asked what he wanted to do he said he didn't know. I told him I couldn't live this way and he said well you shouldn't of betrayed your husband! Followed by if you want out go..!

 

This was not the way I had hoped and he shut down and went in room and shut the door.

 

I wish I hadn't even bothered cause I knew this would be his response. I don't see an ultimatium or me leaving as working.

[Mack05]

I don't see an ultimatium or me leaving as working.

 

Sadly Jenny you no longer have a choice. He has completely shut you down on you emotionally. If you stay nothing will change, in fact it will get worse and worse. I would leave now if I were you. It seems he views your mistake as cheating and nothing you say or do right now will change that view he has.

 

Leaving isn't giving up. It's giving you both space to evaluate everything and decide what the next step is. Leaving will allow you both to gain perspective. Before I leave, I would explain to him that if he ever wants to give the marriage a go, that you will be always be there. That you will always love him and that you will always be truly sorry for the pain that you have caused him. Explain that leaving is the LAST thing you want to do but since he won't engage with you or work with you, that you simply don't have a choice..

 

Sometimes we have to leave go, even though it goes against everything we believe in or desire. Marriage can only work if two people are equally invested. Your husband is not invested in the marriage anymore. That might change in future, but right now you need to accept the consequences of your actions.

 

If its any consolation while I would be extremely pi$$ed at my wife, I wouldn't give up my marriage for this. I think he is being very unreasonable, but that is his prerogative. Different people deal with things in different ways..

Edited February 14, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Sadly Jenny you no longer have a choice. He has completely shut you down on you emotionally. If you stay nothing will change, in fact it will get worse and worse. I would leave now if I were you. It seems he views your mistake as cheating and nothing you say or do right now will change that view he has.

 

Leaving isn't giving up. It's giving you both space to evaluate everything and decide what the next step is. Leaving will allow you both to gain perspective. Before I leave, I would explain to him that if he ever wants to give the marriage a go, that you will be always be there. That you will always love him and that you will always be truly sorry for the pain that you have caused him. Explain that leaving is the LAST thing you want to do but since he won't engage with you or work with you, that you simply don't have a choice..

 

Sometimes we have to leave go, even though it goes against everything we believe in or desire. Marriage can only work if two people are equally invested. Your husband is not invested in the marriage anymore. That might change in future, but right now you need to accept the consequences of your actions.

 

If its any consolation while I would be extremely pi$$ed at my wife, I wouldn't give up my marriage for this. I think he is being very unreasonable, but that is his prerogative. Different people deal with things in different ways..

 

 

Thanks Mack! I really don't want to leave since its been my apt before his! How do I handle this?

[Keenly]

You flirted with another man, for an extended period of time.

 

And now you are projecting onto your husband who all of a sudden "must be cheating."

 

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Mack05]

Thanks Mack! I really don't want to leave since its been my apt before his! How do I handle this?

 

I can only advise Jenny, its up to you how to handle this. This really isn't a black and white scenario. I am not suggesting you give you apartment up for good. Is there a family member/friend close by that you could stay with for a few weeks?

 

It really is hard to know what he is thinking. Is he too lazy to move? Is he having an affair? Does he see a future in the marriage? I actually think it's cruel his behaviour. It's emotional abuse in is worst form. After 4 months he should really know what he wants. You either want to rebuild the marriage or leave. His treatment of you in my opinion is unacceptable.

 

If I were in your shoes and I had the option to stay with someone I would leave (saying the stuff I mentioned in the previous posts above). Not only that I would go No contact. No contact will give you both time for thought and reflection.

 

I would then cover all angles. I would seek legal advice from everything from a potential divorce, to the apartment. I sadly think this will get worse before it gets better.

[Owl]

You're basically stuck at this point, Jenny.

 

He refuses to do anything to change the situation...so that leaves you with the option of tolerating the situation for as long as you can, or ending it.

 

He's deliberately treating you like dirt. I get that he's hurt, don't take me wrong. He's got reasons to be hurt...but...with all of that said, there's no reason why you have to accept his refusal to do anything about the situationi.

 

It's up to you.

[road]

Jenny, your BH can not believe your baloney story.

 

That story has more baloney then Oscar Meyer.

 

Your friend did not need you to send fake emails to her WH. She could of and should of done it herself. Then a one time prank vs the long time you did this made it more then just a prank.

 

I find it hard to believe you.

 

This leads to believe that your BH is feeling the same way.

Edited February 14, 2013 by road

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Hey Road nice opinion! Good thing I don't care.

 

People on here can be so wasteful of their time commenting just to put someone down good thing I cant see into their lives I coukd point my judgemental finger back!!

 

Weird thing happened today. Husband was off today and when I came home he was on phone with his friend that had stolen money, ordered credit cards in his name slept with his ex and pretty much every girl my husband dated. Irritating thing is he forgave him. I heard him talking to him on speaker phone and instantly got mad. Reason being is he uses my husband and only calls when he wants something.

 

When husband got off phone he knew I was mad and came over to me and asked was I ok? And was I mad at him? I said I am not mad at you just mad that Todd only calls you to see what he can use you for and I hate that! Husband said just so your not mad at me. I was taken off guard that he even cared I was upset. We talked for a hour about his friend and what he wanted and I was going to attempt to talk to him about "us" again but I answered phone call that my husband's grandmother was rushed to hospital so obviously timing isnt right. So I'm just being here for him

[Jennyfromtheblick]

As for cheating everyone has different ideas of cheating. Thats for each coupke to decide. Some men cant have lunch with a female friend because it may be considered cheating. I did not cheat! My husband doesnt think I cheated either! So thats the only person I care about.

 

The opinions on here are helpful some anyway. I disagree that they should matter to me! I find them helpful and I respect most of the opinions whether they are what I want to here or not and the thought and time those that are genuine are giving me. But let's face it I can't go end my marriage because someone on a thread says so. That would be dumb.

 

I just don't fancy people wasting space commenting when they clearly just want to be ignorant.

 

I don't care who believes me or not. I sure wouldn't waste my day coming here to lie about screwing up my marriage.

[MrWombat]

her ex who cheated on her and gave her an std.

…

The talk turned very very dirty and though it was fake to me this went on for a month.

…

I feel like this is not a deal breaker but I cant change what I did and I told him it was nothing. He barely even will talk. He just mopes around

You will get nowhere until you are honest with yourself.

 

You did this for a month because this STD-carrying player is damn good at it. He has game. It was fun, exciting, sexy talking to him and you wanted to keep going.

 

Your husband bores you. He has no game - sulking and moping.

 

At this point, you need to choose your future. You can chase STD-ridden players for an empty thrill, or you can tell your husband to google "the necessity of relationship game".

[Mack05]

I disagree with the people saying that you need to let your H go and wait for him to do something about your relationship. You made this mess by doing something very stupid and if you want your marriage to survive you need to fight for it.

 

aasdf can I ask what you would suggest she do? This isn't me being a smartass. This is me not being 100% sure what the right thing to do here is. I agree about fighting for the marriage, but how do you fight for something when the husband does not appear to want to communicate. When he doesn't appear to want to reconcile.

 

This has been going on 4 months. How long should she wait for the husband to open up? 6 months, a year, 2 years, 3 years?

 

We know Jenny did wrong, but I really don't condone the husbands behaviour here. Certainly not for 4 months. It's like the OP is a prisoner in her own home. A marriage shouldn't be about overly punishing someone if they make a mistake.

 

They need to come together to work on their problems. To forgive and then starting to rebuild trust. If the crime is too big then the husband needs to state this to his wife and tell her the marriage is over. Living in limbo for 4 months (and god knows how much longer) is doing even more damage to a marriage clearly already in trouble.

 

Sometimes fighting for something means giving each other space. That might not work, indeed it might even backfire but sitting around watching the emotional distance grow each and every day would simply not be an option for me, because at some stage you reach the point of no return..

[Jennyfromtheblick]

You will get nowhere until you are honest with yourself.

 

You did this for a month because this STD-carrying player is damn good at it. He has game. It was fun, exciting, sexy talking to him and you wanted to keep going.

 

Your husband bores you. He has no game - sulking and moping.

 

At this point, you need to choose your future. You can chase STD-ridden players for an empty thrill, or you can tell your husband to google "the necessity of relationship game".

 

Im am honest with myself! It was nothing just screwing over a jerk for a friend and yes I enjoyed it. Not the dirty talk but the getting tons of info and watching the guy get played. My husband is no bore! Hes great. But if you understood the exchange between Yasuandio and I you'd maybe see I was looking for drama not a sex filled conversation just the thrill of the drama.

 

I think ppl on here are doing a lot of assuming about things. Try asking me specific questions instead of assuming. I dont mind answering anything at all just sick if all the judgement. It was a conversation over a month but was only 4 emails not like i was talking to him everyday numerous times. Other than that it was a few comments on fb like cute dog, your daughter is so pretty etc etc

[tojaz]

Jenny, the nice part about these forums is that you can pick and choose which posts to reply to and which ones should be ignored. There are plenty of bitter people and they pride themselves on finding somebody to throw jabs at. Ignore them and they will move on to someone who will take the bait.

 

As for your H's response, it's not surprising. Like I said before, your being punished and he's going to continue whenever you give him an opportunity.

<reread first paragraph, apply.>

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

What you are failing to understand is that it may have really been nothing and only 4 emails but that doesn't mean your husband truly believes that. Just because he says he knows you didn't cheat doesn't mean he really believes that. In his mind you could have been banging the guy for a year

 

You embarrassed him and your marriage by taking part in this and he doesn't trust you which means he doesn't believe you.

 

 

Let me ask does he know that OM?

 

He doesnt know him personally but he knows of him. He knew he was an abusive jerk and just a complete hog!

 

He also did know my friend was trying to get something on him and knew he had slept with have the town. Not the clean half either.

[Absewarrior]

Jenny:

It took me a while but I read through this thread so I can better understand the severity of your situation. I had a few thought I would like to share, if you haven't already been railroaded enough. Please keep in mind that I have been happily married for many years and respect and honor my spouse and this marriage. I sincerely know this situation you find yourself in isn't as easy as a pat answer or a simple gesture. I am aware that when somethig isn't working, you need to try to look at it from all sides psychologically and do something that will get the wheels rolling again.

I noticed a few things from your remarks:

He forgives easily or he wouldn't be friends with his friend who borrows cash and uses him. In my humble opinion, and I am an old soul, people love to get their asses kissed and feel like a victim for a very long time. You have apologized and jumped through hoops long enough...he isn't four. He is in his early thirties, I presume. While your behavior was immature and duplicitous, his is immature and cruel. Silent treatments and an inability to show compassion to someone who is clearly contrite is the behavior of someone who is enjoying the attention of a wife who is clearly doing everything short of bowing at his feet to make things better. This is no longer about what you did wrong...you know your transgressions and I think you learned a very powerful life lessons, even innocuous actions have consequences. Forgive yourself, forgive your actions, forgive yourself for not being faithful as you should have been, forgive yourself for getting caught up in another person's drama even though the situation was toxic and would poison your life, and forgive yourself for hurting the feelings of your very sensitive husband. Four months of any kind of behavior is not normal and is toxic in itself...especially emotional abuse. You DO NOT deserve that. Please remember that only you know what happened and only you know the sincerity and contrition of your heart.

With that said....your husband is deeply wounded. He saw you as his soft place to fall, his one and only, the siren of his bedroom, the future mother of his children possibly, the best friend who shares everything, a loyal partner for a long life filled with adventures and old age. However, he has to also know that you are human and accept that you may do stupid, even ridiculous things once in a while. Anyone who has been in a long term marriage knows that forgiveness is the most important part of love. Release him from being a victim and let him know that you love him but you are no longer his whipping post.Then move on with your life because this is not love when you "punish" the person you are supposed to love the most in the world.

AW

Edited February 15, 2013 by Absewarrior

[Mack05]

Jenny:

It took me a while but I read through this thread so I can better understand the severity of your situation. I had a few thought I would like to share, if you haven't already been railroaded enough. Please keep in mind that I have been happily married for many years and respect and honor my spouse and this marriage. I sincerely know this situation you find yourself in isn't as easy as a pat answer or a simple gesture. I am aware that when somethig isn't working, you need to try to look at it from all sides psychologically and do something that will get the wheels rolling again.

I noticed a few things from your remarks:

He forgives easily or he wouldn't be friends with his friend who borrows cash and uses him. In my humble opinion, and I am an old soul, people love to get their asses kissed and feel like a victim for a very long time. You have apologized and jumped through hoops long enough...he isn't four. He is in his early thirties, I presume. While your behavior was immature and duplicitous, his is immature and cruel. Silent treatments and an inability to show compassion to someone who is clearly contrite is the behavior of someone who is enjoying the attention of a wife who is clearly doing everything short of bowing at his feet to make things better. This is no longer about what you did wrong...you know your transgressions and I think you learned a very powerful life lessons, even innocuous actions have consequences. Forgive yourself, forgive your actions, forgive yourself for not being faithful as you should have been, forgive yourself for getting caught up in another person's drama even though the situation was toxic and would poison your life, and forgive yourself for hurting the feelings of your very sensitive husband. Four months of any kind of behavior is not normal and is toxic in itself...especially emotional abuse. You DO NOT deserve that. Please remember that only you know what happened and only you know the sincerity and contrition of your heart.

With that said....your husband is deeply wounded. He saw you as his soft place to fall, his one and only, the siren of his bedroom, the future mother of his children possibly, the best friend who shares everything, a loyal partner for a long life filled with adventures and old age. However, he has to also know that you are human and accept that you may do stupid, even ridiculous things once in a while. Anyone who has been in a long term marriage knows that forgiveness is the most important part of love. Release him from being a victim and let him know that you love him but you are no longer his whipping post.Then move on with your life because this is not love when you "punish" the person you are supposed to love the most in the world.

AW

 

agree with this...

[Jennyfromtheblick]

John has been talking more since our little exchange the other day when he was concerned I was mad at him. I have not decided what to do yet. It's a heavy heart decision and I don't believe I can make it just yet. His grandmother is dying and he needs me and yet its difficult to determine if he is talking to me because of that or if he just wants to talk.

[Mack05]

John has been talking more since our little exchange the other day when he was concerned I was mad at him. I have not decided what to do yet. It's a heavy heart decision and I don't believe I can make it just yet. His grandmother is dying and he needs me and yet its difficult to determine if he is talking to me because of that or if he just wants to talk.

 

Well the fact he is now starting to talk and the fact his gran is sick, means I would stay put and see what happens over the coming weeks. Leaving is a HUGE decision and it really should only be a last resort thing. I suggested leaving because he had emotionally shut down and maybe some space might have done you both good.

 

BUT if he is starting to talk then the best place for you is home..Hopefully things will be ok with his gran and that things improve for you both...

[imtooconfused]

Jennyfromtheblick... I'm glad to hear that he seems to be opening up. In my mind that is a break in the stalemate. It's a small thing, but it is a change. If he comes around completely it will take some time because the bitterness was so deep, so now is not the time to try to rush things. They will happen on their own time.

 

I want to mention his friend, the one you don't like/trust. When you initially broke his trust he probably felt that he had very few directions to turn. He needed to cling to a friend desperately. While you might see the friend for who he is, your husband needed the companionship and having few other options they became closer (you may have said that early on). Don't fault your husband for this. If the tables were turned, you would probably turn to your friend, the one your husband doesn't trust.

 

If he trusts this friend as much as you say, they probably talk about his relationship problems. Almost certainly, your husband is getting bad advice from this friend. His friend is probably like many of the very negative respondents on this forum who cannot seem to forgive you. Again, don't fault your husband for listening to that advice. Moreover, don't try to tell him that the advice was wrong with words. Rather, show him the advice he got was wrong through your actions. Words mean almost nothing. I know your actions have tried to do this and those should continue. But telling your husband that his friend is wrong about you will not work.

 

I am not sure why you would consider anything "to do" while his grandmother is sick and apparently near death. He does need you. Would you rather that he turn to his friend for comfort? Even if it is only to talk about his grandmother, he is beginning to trust you with his feelings again. Please recognize that for the monumental shift in behavior that it is. Yes, I recognize that the marital problems should be important to him also, but allowing him to open up about his grandmother may be the first step in making him feel comfortable opening up to you about the marital problems.

 

You've suffered through 4 (plus) months now. With this change, it should certainly be worth waiting a bit longer.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Keeping my heart open to this new communication and really wanting it to be the opener. He is not starting most the talk but he is at least talking. He is guarded I can sense that. As if he is trying not to talk to much. He is also being very sober, stone faced. He is not really showing emotion.

 

I am very cautious too I just dont know what to do to make things better.

[AllieKat]

Jenny,

 

I was alerted to your post by another poster because of the similarities with my marriage. In a nutshell, I lied to hubby and he screamed divorce and etc and I even kicked him out for a short time. He treated me less than how I deserved at times as did to him too. We HAD a strong marriage. But that will be deterimed for us when we get through this if we are in a string marriage. My ordeal has been going on sexless ( except for a month) sleeping in different bed ( except for a few nights here and there) and basically living as roomates.

 

I wish I had something great to add. All I can say is the way you behave is key. I have learned a lot of my crazy behavior and crying and pitying myself has done nothing but delay the getting through our issues. It took 7 mths of that and him leaving to figure that out. He is back and though we are still "roomates " things have gotten better. Just the other day I was able to talk to him about some issues this summer we went through and just talk. No pointing fingers but through that I learned his stance on somethings have changed.

 

At one time he was accusing me of lying about stuff I was not even involved in. Come to find out through some talking he longer believes that. This is good!

 

So be strong and do what you need to do. Ppl can tell you all day ling do this dont do that but there are lessons in everything and sometimes you need to make a few wrong moves to learn the lesson. And you will never understand things i think fully if you are going ignore your gut! People will try to give lots of advice to spare you heartache they gave gone through and though that is appreciated every situation and person is unique your story and husband is different from everyone elses. So just do what you can to be the best Jenny and respect yourself and Dh (as long as he is respecting you) I do believe if its meant to be it will be and it will be better in the end!

 

 

Good luck

Allie