soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 (edited) I need some advice and insight on an issue that has been dumped on me by some surprise. I have an ex who I have known for nearly a year. We broke up earlier this summer and have decided to remain friends. And we have. Before meeting my current GF, my ex and I would get together with our kids and have play dates, go on occasional adult outings (not dates), just a movie or have lunch together to catch up or keep current. We do not communicate daily or regularly... I told my current GF of my ex. At first, she seemed "okay" with it, but did warn that later on in the relationship, if she becomes an issue, that she'll let me know. I also told her that my friendship with my ex is non-negotiable. That I will not cut her off. She's a single mother with some issues, needs friends and I mean to be there for her as reasonably as I can be. I have been making my best effort to make as much time as possible for my current GF. I've tried and have demonstrated that all of my free time is being dedicated to her (GF), so it's been pretty clear that I'm not interested or have time for anyone else but her (GF). Any of you, especially ladies, been through something like this? Insight? Advice? Edited February 9, 2013 by soccerrprp Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 I'm sorry... I'm a guy who believes that men and women RARELY can be "just friends." Movies and lunches can be considered dates, even if they are not for hook-ups. And "being there" for the EX will certainly put you in conflict with "being there" for the girlfriend. IMHO, you are putting your responsibility to the EX in front of the wishes of the GF which is not a place where I would want to be if the tables were turned. If your girlfriend is "letting you know" that the EX is still an issue, it's really your problem and not her's. If the relationship with the EX is that important to you, perhaps you should stay single. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2013 Author Share Posted February 9, 2013 I'm sorry... I'm a guy who believes that men and women RARELY can be "just friends." Movies and lunches can be considered dates, even if they are not for hook-ups. And "being there" for the EX will certainly put you in conflict with "being there" for the girlfriend. IMHO, you are putting your responsibility to the EX in front of the wishes of the GF which is not a place where I would want to be if the tables were turned. If your girlfriend is "letting you know" that the EX is still an issue, it's really your problem and not her's. If the relationship with the EX is that important to you, perhaps you should stay single. Ouch! I wish it were that simple. This is a friend that needs help in a number of ways and I'm the only friend that she really has right now. I commit myself to certain people in my life and she is one of them. I hear you though. I've accepted the position that I've placed myself into...if being single is what it will lead to...then I deserve it. Thanks for being honest and blunt. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 I'm sorry but here's another no-go vote. Whether it makes intellectual sense, emotionally women do not want to share their men with other women, probably some primitive scarcity of resources thing. MY man playing white night to another woman ? No. My man, saying " Oh I already saw "Argo" with "Suzy", again, No. ESPECIALLY since this an EX, someone you kissed and licked and f*cked, but now it's just Mexican food, I promise babe.... NOOOO !!! The ONLY way out of this, is if you completely involve your GF in this " Save Suzy" mission. You ALL go to the movies, you have her over for game night and try to fix her up with a friend, she becomes a joint project or one of us is going. If an ex was a deal breaker, then I would say my EX man and his ex should probably be together and leave me to find someone with appropriate boundaries. Damn, if this was your ex wife you shared kids with and HAD to talk to, you STILL don't do dinner and movie's ! Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 This is about relationship expectations and priorities. I do not maintain close friendships with exes because I want to find the man I am supposed to be with. Why would I be having social dates with an ex when I could be spending that time moving forward toward my goals? And, I really feel that in many cases it's just asking for trouble... Even if I were maintaining such a friendship, the moment someone of interest came along, I would adjust my priorities. I would establish boundaries and refocus. What are your expectations and priorities? It sounds like the friendship is more important to you than establishing a serious romantic relationship with someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 9, 2013 Share Posted February 9, 2013 You're her only friend? really? sorry I agree with the others, this wouldn't work for me. esp the way you victimize her "poor girl she needs me!" like you are her knight in shining armor. If you want to make your gf happy and keep the ex in your life then I suppose I would make sure she knows about any time your ex contacts you and vice versa and that she be INVITED to any outtings with your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Yikes and yikes! Funny I don't feel like her knight in shining armor. Just a support that she needs right now. I hear you all. Thank you. I never thought of myself victimizing her. Unfortunately, I am her only friend. She is relatively new to the area and she finds it painfully difficult to make and establish friendships. Painfully. Yes, as I get closer to my current GF and my ex is comfortable with dating, the plan is to do things together AND with the kids. Hey, I appreciate your responses. If I was perfect or knew all of the answers I wouldn't be on LS. Just trying to figure things out. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 (edited) What are your expectations and priorities? It sounds like the friendship is more important to you than establishing a serious romantic relationship with someone new. A very good friend of mine also challenged me on this. A fair question and one that I honestly have some hesitation answering, but no, darn it! I am more interesting in having a healthy, romantic relationship with someone else! One with my ex is not desirable! I'm making honest efforts to move my current relationship forward and it's simply great, but.... I am in the process of distancing myself from my ex, but my history (not the sex or romance) and knowledge of her needs prevents me from making a complete break. My current GF is absolutely uncomfortable with it all. She trusts me (she says), but not my ex. I understand that. Ugh.... Edited February 10, 2013 by soccerrprp Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Unfortunately, I am her only friend. She is relatively new to the area and she finds it painfully difficult to make and establish friendships. Painfully. You don't explain the history of why the EX is your EX, but she may be clinging to your friendship and support in the hope that you would return. In this scenario, any opportunity for her to get between you and the current GF would be a win for her. Furthermore, she would have no motivation to seek new friendships as long as you "are there for her." If you honestly want to move on, you should avoid being the EX's crutch. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Yes, as I get closer to my current GF and my ex is comfortable with dating, the plan is to do things together AND with the kids. What?! You have to wait for your ex to be comfortable with you having a new gf and/or starting to date on her own?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 You don't explain the history of why the EX is your EX, but she may be clinging to your friendship and support in the hope that you would return. In this scenario, any opportunity for her to get between you and the current GF would be a win for her. Furthermore, she would have no motivation to seek new friendships as long as you "are there for her." If you honestly want to move on, you should avoid being the EX's crutch. I am desperately trying to make it clear to my ex that we are only friends. She could date anyone and at anytime if she wanted to...not certain why she doesn't. I don't feel like a crutch. She is an extremely independent, professionally successful woman. Early in the relationship she was worried about the disparity in the income between us..she makes a lot more money than I do. I knew that would be something that she couldn't overcome, so we ended it. I put in more into the relationship than she did. I thought we were over...then out of the blue, 6-weeks later after the break up, she contacts me and wants to see me...strange... Anyway, still trying to figure some things out...thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 What?! You have to wait for your ex to be comfortable with you having a new gf and/or starting to date on her own?! No great satisfactory answer for that question, I'm afraid. My current GF wouldn't mind as much if we got together with my ex's kids (and ex) "together." My ex is a little hesitant right now. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 do you feel attracted to your ex? that is the main thing. Maybe you feel your ex needs you and helping her makes you feel in a certain way - more like man or like a knight in shining armor. And of course she needs help and protection... but maybe not from you. Maybe she needs the full package - a savior and a man, in her life. Think that also you may have moved on, maybe you're preventing her from moving on. Anyway, I know some guys have a hard time thinking about other people and their needs, so think of yours. What needs does she respond to? Is she a good listener? Do you kine her silent adoration? Why do you have such a hard time letting her go? Mind you, I am not immediately saying you should. Your GF is obviously quite new into your life, she needs to give you some time and some space for you to sort things out. But also, keep in mind that at some point, it might tick her off real good and there is a real and probable chance of losing your current GF ... first understand the basis of your relationship with your ex. then understand how you'd like to handle it. than see how you can handle it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 She needs to be a "friend of the couple". That's really the only way it can work. If your gf knows your kids, I'd suggest getting together with the ex and the kids somewhere relaxed, and letting the two women get to know each other on their own terms. Wouldn't it be ideal if your gf and your ex could be friends? Then your ex would have another friend, and she needs one! If you and the ex are truly just friends, it should be obvious to your gf when she sees you together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 This is a mess and you're on track to hurt someone. My advice, dump your girlfriend and don't date anyone else until you've distanced yourself from your ex. The current situation isn't fair to anyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 She needs to be a "friend of the couple". That's really the only way it can work. If your gf knows your kids, I'd suggest getting together with the ex and the kids somewhere relaxed, and letting the two women get to know each other on their own terms. Wouldn't it be ideal if your gf and your ex could be friends? Then your ex would have another friend, and she needs one! If you and the ex are truly just friends, it should be obvious to your gf when she sees you together. So trying to work to this.... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 No great satisfactory answer for that question, I'm afraid. My current GF wouldn't mind as much if we got together with my ex's kids (and ex) "together." My ex is a little hesitant right now. Does that make sense? Ok, that's just weird. If she isn't comfortable being around your gf, she isn't truly a friend. Would any other friends be uncomfortable meeting your new girlfriend? She wants special treatment, at your new gf's expense. Not cool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautionaryTale Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Um, wow... You're really taking A LOT of measures to make sure your EX is comfortable and happy... You don't think this is strange? If your new lady friend had a fairly recent ex in the picture and she told you to take it, or leave it and was going out with him for lunches and movies. Would you be ok with that? Really? He just needs a friend to talk to, someone who knows him intimately. Nothing wrong with that, right? Once her ex is comfortable enough you can join them. Yeah, that's cool, right? You're sure you're not still in love with the ex? Cause that's the picture you're painting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 This is a mess and you're on track to hurt someone. My advice, dump your girlfriend and don't date anyone else until you've distanced yourself from your ex. The current situation isn't fair to anyone involved. A scenario that I have considered... Mind you. I have no romantic interest in my ex. I do not want to get back together with her... Hey, thank you all! I need this... Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 A scenario that I have considered... Mind you. I have no romantic interest in my ex. I do not want to get back together with her... Hey, thank you all! I need this... Yet you're bending over backwards for her the way you would a girlfriend, or someone else you love deeply. You value the relationship with your ex more than your current gf. Even if you don't know why, that's the choice you're making. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Yet you're bending over backwards for her the way you would a girlfriend, or someone else you love deeply. Care for deeply...not romantic love. "Philia" love. Believe me, I know my ex is not good for me in terms of having a romantic relationship! Oh, I am quite certain of that... Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 if you and your ex dated, it's because there was a thing between you. A chemistry. Relationships take a long time to die, they're not an on and off button that you can just switch as you please. And it's not that because you're in a new relationship that the previous one had automatically died off. I totally understand why your ex wouldn't want to meet your gf. Not her business to solve or handle, yours. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Care for deeply...not romantic love. "Philia" love. Believe me, I know my ex is not good for me in terms of having a romantic relationship! Oh, I am quite certain of that... I get that you care about her, but you also need to have appropriate boundaries. Friends don't ask friends to leave their partner behind. How have you addressed that issue? How you've handled it will affect how comfortable your gf is with the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 so you want her to be fooled by you. if you are over her she should be not in your present. if your gf have a issue with it its cause you are messy and dont know how to put every relationship if your ex is more important in your picture , leave your gf. or just respect! Fooled??? My ex is aware that I am dating. Is aware why we broke up...why we can't be together.... i'm really not trying to fool anyone.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 I get that you care about her, but you also need to have appropriate boundaries. Friends don't ask friends to leave their partner behind. How have you addressed that issue? How you've handled it will affect how comfortable your gf is with the friendship. Actually have had two short-lived and uncomfortable conversations with current GF about this. She's been tolerant for now, but not supportive as you might imagine. She understands why I feel I need to maintain a "friendship" with my ex, but not convinced that my ex is wanting to remain or is a "friend." I have established boundaries. My ex is coming to grips with the fact that we cannot have family outings as we once did. Can't just have a random lunch as we once did... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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