xxoo Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Have you pressed the ex to understand what her issue is meeting your girlfriend? That's really weird to me, and makes her not "just a friend". She's pushing herself out with that weirdness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Have you pressed the ex to understand what her issue is meeting your girlfriend? That's really weird to me, and makes her not "just a friend". She's pushing herself out with that weirdness. Oh, man, no! I have had so much to think about and figure out that I haven't even asked her about that. I am so emotionally drained with this that I am afraid of her answer....it should be noted that she is the one who broke it off with me! I just don't understand much of what is going on and, again, trying to figure out what this all means and how to handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Oh, man, no! I have had so much to think about and figure out that I haven't even asked her about that. I am so emotionally drained with this that I am afraid of her answer....it should be noted that she is the one who broke it off with me! I just don't understand much of what is going on and, again, trying to figure out what this all means and how to handle it. As I mentioned before, you care too much about your ex. It is not a "normal" friendship. Emotionally drained? Afraid of her answer? Still caring about who broke it off? Definitely not a friendship... Your current girlfriend should be #1. period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Just for some clarification, if necessary on whether I'm hiding my ex from my GF and vice versa... They know of each other. I told my GF on our FIRST date about her. I told my ex about my GF after 4-weeks of dating her and having made the commitment to become exclusive. Not trying to hide...just figure how best to handle this...thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I agree with sciencegal.......not just a friendship here. I'm supportive of mixed gender friendships. I don't think people should lose true, longstanding friends when they gain relationships. But a true friend supports your relationship, doing their part to bring the new partner into the fold. She isn't doing that. Instead, she seems to be marking her territory--and you need to make clear that it is not her territory to mark. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I think you can have your cake and eat it too, as long as you're not fooling yourself. I think if you meet a special person, you should keep them in your life, if they are adding things to you and not taking. You just need to make sure you aren't lying to yourself, that you are not hurting your current GF and that you aren't giving your ex too much of a space, right now, as you are seeing a new woman. you seem a decent person, best of luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 As I mentioned before, you care too much about your ex. It is not a "normal" friendship. Emotionally drained? Afraid of her answer? Still caring about who broke it off? Definitely not a friendship... Your current girlfriend should be #1. period. I have been through quite a bit with my ex. Emotionally drained- yes. Afraid that she may want more and that is not what I (we) agreed. I only mention that she was the one to break it off because, if there is a reason to reinforce that idea that we have a friendship, it would be the fact that she wanted to end the romantic relationship, I accepted and moved on... My GF is my #1 priority. I have not seen my ex in three weeks. Texted her 3-4 times in those three weeks. I have spent every weekend for that last few weeks with my GF, lunched with my GF during the week and talked to her daily, every evening. Again, I am doing the best I can with this... Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I agree with sciencegal.......not just a friendship here. I'm supportive of mixed gender friendships. I don't think people should lose true, longstanding friends when they gain relationships. But a true friend supports your relationship, doing their part to bring the new partner into the fold. She isn't doing that. Instead, she seems to be marking her territory--and you need to make clear that it is not her territory to mark. why, because she wouldn't see his current GF? I would hate it to have my bf and ex together. I would never volunteer such a thing. Different people, different relationship, different dynamic. If you have a good relationship with your GF, she shouldn't feel threatened by your ex. Just understand what exactly bothers her in all this--- maybe she feels left out because she has no kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 why, because she wouldn't see his current GF? I would hate it to have my bf and ex together. I would never volunteer such a thing. Different people, different relationship, different dynamic. If you have a good relationship with your GF, she shouldn't feel threatened by your ex. Just understand what exactly bothers her in all this--- maybe she feels left out because she has no kids? My current GF does have a daughter. In a perfect world, we would all be having family time with our kids together.... Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 No great satisfactory answer for that question, I'm afraid. My current GF wouldn't mind as much if we got together with my ex's kids (and ex) "together." My ex is a little hesitant right now. Does that make sense? There's your answer. She (your ex) is playing the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 There's your answer. She (your ex) is playing the situation. Man, I just have a hard time seeing her do that... I really do. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Man, I just have a hard time seeing her do that... I really do. Why? Her breaking off the romance doesn't argue against it. In her mind, you might have still wanted her....she still had your attention. Now your attention is on another woman, and she isn't comfortable with that. Why doesn't she have other friends? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 bloody hell, if I had a friend and he wouldn't see me in 4 weeks, you can bet all your money I'd be pissed. I'm sorry, no one's trying to play anyone, IMO, that is a bit much. beauty is in the eyes of the behavior. If our OP felt that his ex would be manipulative or whatever, he'd first of all know it - you learn a LOT about someone by dating them. It's easy to see the devil everywhere. Reality is a lot less complex and complicated than we make it. What I think is that for the moment, you aren't the one making the shots . Your ex decided to end the romance, you agreed. your ex and you decided to be friends (that's very nice). Your GF now wants your ex out. You are trying to please everyone. How about you trying to please yourself? Sounds crazy, but sometimes, being selfish is the best thing one can do for himself. But find those answers yourself, instead of letting your "girls" push you for a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Why? Her breaking off the romance doesn't argue against it. In her mind, you might have still wanted her....she still had your attention. Now your attention is on another woman, and she isn't comfortable with that. Why doesn't she have other friends? I would like to think that she is not like that. She is lacking some inter-personal skills. Very introverted and a little anti-social. One of the reasons we broke up was because she didn't know what to or how to deal with my energy, more extroverted personality. She simply was uncomfortable at times. She's also EXTREMELY busy with her career and two young children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 bloody hell, if I had a friend and he wouldn't see me in 4 weeks, you can bet all your money I'd be pissed. I'm sorry, no one's trying to play anyone, IMO, that is a bit much. beauty is in the eyes of the behavior. If our OP felt that his ex would be manipulative or whatever, he'd first of all know it - you learn a LOT about someone by dating them. It's easy to see the devil everywhere. Reality is a lot less complex and complicated than we make it. What I think is that for the moment, you aren't the one making the shots . Your ex decided to end the romance, you agreed. your ex and you decided to be friends (that's very nice). Your GF now wants your ex out. You are trying to please everyone. How about you trying to please yourself? Sounds crazy, but sometimes, being selfish is the best thing one can do for himself. But find those answers yourself, instead of letting your "girls" push you for a decision. LOL! I must sound like a spine-less moron! My goal is to maintain the friendship with ex and move on with my GF. That is what I WANT. I'm working out how best to do that, if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 no, you actually sound quite decent . I'd be interested to know what makes you treasure your friendship with your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 no, you actually sound quite decent . I'd be interested to know what makes you treasure your friendship with your ex. Let's just say that i made some promises and that she simply needs the kind of support that we would want when needed. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 . ok, you made promises. I understand and respect that. And she needs a certain type of help. What's in it for yourself, what are you getting out that aren't getting from anyone else or from your other female friends ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 There are things we do sometimes that require nothing in return...nothing readily tangible that is. Cryptic? Perhaps.... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I have an ex who I have known for nearly a year. We broke up earlier this summer and have decided to remain friends. And we have. Before meeting my current GF, my ex and I would get together with our kids and have play dates, go on occasional adult outings (not dates), just a movie or have lunch together to catch up or keep current. We do not communicate daily or regularly... I told my current GF of my ex. At first, she seemed "okay" with it, but did warn that later on in the relationship, if she becomes an issue, that she'll let me know. I also told her that my friendship with my ex is non-negotiable. That I will not cut her off. She's a single mother with some issues, needs friends and I mean to be there for her as reasonably as I can be. IMO there is a pretty wide spectrum between 'cutting her off' and going for movies and lunch together. Sure, be her friend. Help her if she falls sick and her kids need food, or if she doesn't have anyone to help fix her car, etc. But one-on-one movie hangouts with an ex... I don't know too many people who would be okay with that. Can't you grab a few other friends to go along? Or have you considered asking your gf if she wants to come? I'm generally pretty open-minded about friendship with the opposite sex; I have several friends of the opposite sex myself. But I'd never meet up with them 1-on-1 without asking the bf if he wants to come, and especially not with an ex! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Or have you considered asking your gf if she wants to come? I'm generally pretty open-minded about friendship with the opposite sex; I have several friends of the opposite sex myself. But I'd never meet up with them 1-on-1 without asking the bf if he wants to come, and especially not with an ex! Trying to work towards this kind of relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
MyPoutine Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I dumped my ex over a similar situation. You have to pick a side and stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Trying to work towards this kind of relationship... What's preventing it from happening? IMO there is way too much 'my ex wants/doesn't want' being obliged here compared to 'my gf wants/doesn't want'. Needs to turn the other way, dude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 In the end, if push comes to shove, I will let my ex go, but that is NOT my goal here. It is not desirable. I am in a position to have my ex remain a friend and appeal to my current gf that my relationship with ex is "friendly" and w/o going into detail, necessary for now. I'm working on both my ex and current gf to get what, I believe to be a possible and reasonable working relationship. I just have to play this right, be transparent as I have been thus far, and hope that my ex really only wants to be friends and my gf is really okay with my ex being a friend... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 So how about telling your ex, "Hey, I'm always here if you need help, but you have to understand that we can't continue hanging out 1-on-1 anymore. I can't have any sort of healthy adult relationship while continuing to do this. You okay if I invite gf/friend to our next meeting?" Honestly if it matters that much to you to keep your ex in your life, it's unlikely that you're over her, and you should not be dating until you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts