SEVEN years and still not engaged

[nickie77]

PLEASE HELP- I have been with my boyfriend for seven years, we live together, we are both in our late twenties, and we have talked about marriage extensively.

 

In January we started shopping for rings, he finally purchased one in May, and now it's been sitting in the drawer ever since. My boyfriend keeps telling me that he is trying to plan a "special night" for us (to get engaged) but something ALWAYS comes up or interferes with our plans. I have explained to him numerous times that these constant delays upset me immensely and something simple would be fine.

 

I feel somewhat guilty about pushing the issue because he has a very demanding job that is stressful and very time consuming. I know he loves me but I have been so upset about this for the last few months. Yes, he spends a lot of hours on the job, however, I feel that he doesn't need to be there as long as he is. I feel that that I am less of a priority to everything else in his career- because I can wait.

 

Just these past few weeks I feel as if I have finally lost it- I feel that I am always upset or angry and I can barely think straight. To make matters worse, I can't tell anyone how badly I really feel, not even my family or closest friends. I am embarrassed about the situation and I am fearful of any criticism (condemning us living together, "I told you so's", etc). I am angry at myself that I am even in this situation- I feel like a stupid fool.

 

My boyfriend doesn't even know the extent of how upset I am over this- he only knows I am disappointed. I feel like my life is on hold because he is too busy. Now I am beginning to resent him for his lack of action. I never wanted to give him an ultimatum but I feel like it will never happen if I don't. I'm not even sure if I could forgive him for making me feel this way for so long. In his attempt to plan a night to remember, he has made this a complete nightmare and I will never look back on my engagement fondly (IF it ever even happens!).

 

Please let me know what you would do if you were in my situation. Thanks.

[katie79]

I was in a very similar boat. Except we weren't living together and we have been together less years than you two (almost 4 years). He kept postponing the engagement for any excuse. Then I put my foot down...he bought the ring and after that, he postponed. That was the last straw. Then I had to give him an ulitimatium. It wasn't pleasant, but I wanted to either move forward with HIM or without him. He had a choice. He choose the right one (he proposed last night! ). We're happy now. But at this point, perhaps you should do the same. I notice you do what I used to do; making a lot of excuses and putting your valuable time on hold for him. That's not right. He may be busy and other stuff, but you are a human too. You have your own things going on. He has to be open to what you want b/c you are in this relationship together. The more excuses you accept, the less amount of respect he'll have for your valuable time. As we all know, when put to a test, if a man wants a woman bad enough, he'l do whatever it takes to win her. Here's what I think, give him a date of when you want it by and tell him this ring is about his commitment to follow through on marriage. He has his choice. If it works out, great, if not, pack your bags and head out the door. Don't waste your time because he gives you the excuse your busy. That's no excuse to postpone the proposal. My fiancee popped the question while he was driving in the car! He's also very busy. But he made the time and used it the best he could. My guess through my experience is since he got the ring, most likely he's serious, but he might need a little push or a wake up call to realize how important he is to have you and how precious YOUR time is as well. If you feel bad about giving an ulitmatium, look at it this way, when you sit there not speaking up for yourself like you have for 7 years, it's not getting you anywhere with him, so what difference will it make? I find when women take a lot of crap from men like this and one day stand up for themselves, that's when you see real action happen. I speak from experience. Don't ever be afraid of standing your ground. If he doesn't fall through, there's someone else out there for you that will. Good luck. Pls ask me if you have anymore questions. I will be happy to help being that I can relate to you.

[honey2005]

My boyfriend doesn't even know the extent of how upset I am over this- he only knows I am disappointed.

 

You need to talk to him about how you feel. He can't just look at you and know what's going on in your head, you have to tell him.

[ziggue]

I agree. Talk to him about how you feel. See how he feels too. Should say that to one of my friends too.

 

She is already 34. She has been dating this guy for 8 years. They are not even living together, or engaged!

It seems like they are taking it really really slowly. She is in the same boat as you and wants to be engaged just as badly. All her boyfriend can say is I'm not ready yet. How annoying.

 

Hopefully things work out for you.

[snilljente]

Am I naive/too idealistic to think that if these guys are stalling this much, they have some doubts about making a commitment..I mean, if you are walking down the sidewalk and see $100 bill laying there are you going to think to yourself, "I'll wait and come back and see if it's there later"..no you wouldn't risk losing a good thing, you would grab the opportunity and wouldn't want to take the risk that you might lose out on the $100...Sorry to be a downer, but I am wondering if these guys have doubts...and I personally, would never want to be married to someone who I had to pressure into it.

[katie79]

say that. I went out w/ my friend to a bar last night, and one of the ladies there (an aquiantance of mine) said she was with her bf 7 years and no rock. She said at first she would talk about it, then she stopped. And now, he can't stop talking about it! Unfortuntely, b/c so much time has passed, she doesn't seem to thrilled of getting engaged to him anytime soon. He might have blown the chance. He didn't strike while the iron was hot? That could be the way your relationship will go to. Act now. She how he responds to you. Don't be threatening or pushy, but tell him how you feel and what you want, then make a decision. I agree with the one that said, "the $100 bill remark''. That is true. If you really love someone, you generally think they're a great catch. You sieze the opportunity. Push or no push. If someone leaves you hanging though, it's a bad sign. Perhaps you make him feel too comfortable and secure you're not going anywhere. Maybe you need to show him you can live without him. Maybe he needs a wake-up call. If I were a guy, truth be told, I would only say "I'm not ready" if I was uncertain I wanted to marry who I was with (unless they asked me this after the 2nd date or something!). I would string along only b/c I was uncertain about marrying that person, but I wanted to keep them around for whatever selfish reason I had. Men can be real mean. Watch out. They can keep you haning with whatever line comes to mind until they dump you for someone else they meet, and marry them in 6 months! I've seen it happen! Stand your ground honey!

[snilljente]

Yeah, I must be old-fashioned...I just do not think that you risk losing something that you truly love and wouldn't want to live without....by stringing someone along for years..you are risking losing them....these guys don't appreciate what they have and have their doubts (which is not to say that there is ANYTHING about the woman that is lacking) some men, especially commitment phobic ones, have doubts about themselves, about commited relationships in general, etc....I say move on...waiting years and years for someone to "want" to marry you is demeaning...

[katie79]

Absolutley! Although, commitment phobic men I don't believe in. I believe in a guy afraid of not getting married, but getting married to YOU. Their fears are normally with themselves. When my bf kept postponing the engagement, I dumped him right there on my stoop. He is most afraid of losing me too. I told him I knew he was really "scared" of moving out of his parents house, and that caused his failure to ask me to marry him. Three days later, he found an apartment! His stuff his already moved in there, he'll be in there by tomorrow or Wed (latest, since he signed a lease). It was after he signed the lease that he proposed. I know money and not having enough of it is also a major fear of his. But if we work together, money wont be a problem. He will get support from me as well. Afterall, now that we're engaged, the courting period is dead, and the now begins a partnership. That's how I view it.

[snilljente]

Way to be so strong! If you were born in 79 as your nickname indicates, you are much younger than me, but seem to have already learned alot of what I am still learning (I was married for ten years though, so this stunted my dating growth somewhat:)..but you are right MOST, if not all of the fears lie within the man himself...ie.. will I be able to handle the responsibility of being a husband, dad, the financial responsibility...do I have what it takes as a man.....You did a great thing when you showed your man that he needed to take that step towards being a man if he wanted to be with you and obviously it was important enough to him that he did it and that gave him the confidence to take the next step and propose! Great!!

[katie79]

Yeah. His parents weren't to thrilled with his "current living status". Believe it or not, his mother was going to give him and ultimatium for him to move out a few months ago. So I did them a favor as well as him. However, I did want to do it b/c I thought it would be best he did it for himself, as a person; as a grown man. I wanted him to see what independance means. It's better for his emotional health, especially at 30! I think he was too comfortable living at home and felt like he had too good a deal to pass up just yet. Little did he know his parents were so fed up with it! I did it for him, I knew it would help the relationship since it was stunting his emotional growth as an adult. I am sure things will get better, and hell, I deserve them to get better at this point. After 4 years of frustration b/t me and his parents, it's good he's taking a step(s) forward to growing up before it's REALLY TOO LATE.

 

Miss non-committed of 7 years...perhaps your problem relates to mine? I know your both moved out and living together, but perhaps there's something else he DOESN'T have together. Maybe he needs a little push

[Newly Engaged]

I have to say, as a man, you'd better really know your man before you drop an ultimatum on him.

 

Dropping something like that on someone when they're dealing with the pressures of a career (that he's building so that your lives *together* will be more 'secure') is a great way to get a guy angry and depressed.

 

Depending on the guy, that is. There was a time I'd react very negatively to such a thing. Nowadays I'd want to ask why you feel such a thing was necessary - but I"m more communicative and less reactive than I was. Fortunately I've found someone who would never consider such an ultimatum, so I proposed just to be contrary hehe.

 

Men are often goal oriented. Getting you to be "with him" feels like a goal accomplished to some of us. He sounds like a controller. He needs to feel in control. Currently his career isn't under control, but you "are" (or so he's hoping). That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or want to marry you, but there might be a couple of things that are stopping him from popping the question.

 

1) He loves you so much that he wants everything to be perfect. He needs to feel on top of his own life so that he can be the provider for your family, etc. To stop this from getting out of control, you need to remind him that you're a real person who can take care of herself and that any marriage between you had better be a partnership. You're not a trophy, and you don't even like pedastals.

If you're one of the shrinking violets who can't really take care of herself, he's going to try and be your father as well as your boyfriend - and that's a lot of pressure for him, and might not be as much fun for you as you think.

 

2) On the other hand, he might just be scared. He's avoiding the situation because he's either not ready, or he really doesn't want to get married - ever. There are people out there who really never want to get married. I know two very happy people who are never getting married. It's the way they want it. Look at his parents - their relationship might give you an idea...

Now I have to jump in here and say, as a man, that there are those of us who really aren't ready. Some of us might never be "ready" but might do it anyway and find out we're coping just fine. Others just need time to grow up before they're "ready". Some of us, though, just aren't the marrying kind. Giving an ultimatum to someone here is a toss of the dice. He might not want to risk losing you, and say yes and be miserable. Or he might say yes and find his fears were unfounded - or he might be so scared he drops you angrily and cries himself to sleep for a year.

 

and some are in 3)

 

3) You're not right for each other - and only you don't know it.

He might be a complete coward who doesn't want to tell you the cold hard truth - he's never going to propose because he's waiting for someone "better". Which is to say "better for him" of course. Giving this guy an ultimatum instantly puts you in a "too much trouble to deal with" category, and most likely you'll be out on your behind. Fortunately for you, though, you won't be missing much. Get on with your life with a smile.

 

Of course - working out which category he's in (and there might be a couple more to choose from too) is half the problem

 

This is where communication is your friend. Talk with him in a non-recrimininating way about how he's feeling. See what's bugging him. You'll get more mileage out of concern for his feelings than you will with a whiney ultimatum (which tells him, perhaps erroneously, that you only care about your own feelings).

 

There's no better indication of how you'll work out your day to day problems in your life together than how you'll solve this one.

[katie79]

I understand your point. What you say is true, however, for this woman in question on her future w/ her bf, what if he suddenly found a great job, proposed, and then 3 months before the wedding, gets fired and can't find a job? Having financial stability is important to both man and woman, but who knows what the future will bring. Having a well paying job is no guarentee you'll always have that job. Or what if he finds a great job before the wedding? Some men in these situations, sadly to say, have apathetic attitudes towards helping themselves as well as their relationships. I've seen men grow up and turn things around just to marry the love of their life. In this woman's situation, obviously, he's had 7 years to get "things together" for a future with her. He bought her a ring 8 months ago, so that was even more time for him to pull together what he wanted. She shouldn't give him an ultimatium yet...I think she should have a serious talk with her. And if he's not ready, not in love, or whatever, then HE should have enough respect for her to be honest about moving forward or not. It's her life too. I'm not a believer in ulitmatiums either. But some women figure while they are still in love, they will give him a chance to make a decision. Besides, when a guy is in love, when people are in love, excuses like money, readiness, etc aren't used as obsticles to stop the relationship from growing, rather I find couples work on those issues so they aren't issues anymore. Work and money issues will always occur in life. Not everything will be perfect. This woman needs to get past the point of whether or not he wants to marry her after 7 years.

[Newly Engaged]

Katie - don't get me wrong.

Whether a man is "ready" or not, or whatever the problem is, it doesn't mean the woman must wait around for him.

 

Not at all.

 

I'm just describing what his head might look like, and what she might expect if she dropped the bomb on someone with one of those attitudes.

 

The key, as always, is to talk about it. A girl deserves to know, one way or another, what the problem is. A man should have the cahonies to say what he means, and mean what he says. Everyone deserves to be happy. If you're not happy together, you have some options : You can work out what you both need to do to make yourselves happy together, or you can be happy apart.

 

It's really that simple.

 

But if you don't talk about it, honestly, and caringly what hope do you have of understanding each other and working that stuff out ?

[katie79]

I don't know what to say at this point. I was never a marrying type. When I met him, after a few months, and he mentioned it, that's when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

To be honest, I still have that fantasy of the guy popping the question in the most romantic way after maybe a year of dating. Something magnificant. I will never feel that great knowing he never would have popped the question if I didn't give him a little push. His mother and father would even tell me to "nail him to it" (their words) b/c although he was in love and wanted to get married, he would never propose b/c he lived at home and life was too easy for him to give up to being a responsible husband.

I knew this in my heart and gut too. Some things youjust know.

 

Now that I'm engaged, I'm happy...very happy. I hope everything else works out smoothly with wedding plans and "being married" too. All I can say is I think things happen the way their supposed to for a reason. People gave me a push to give him a push, or I never would have done it. But don't think I let others tell me what's right. I realized in my own heart they were right.

[Guest]

Seven years is a long time, I'm not sure what he is waiting for, financial situations can change all the time, there are no guarantees. Let him know how you feel and see what he says. He may need to feel that he will lose you before he is finally willing to make the commitment. Otherwise if he can't propose after 7 seven years maybe he never will? If the love is really there he should have felt able to at least propose and get engaged by now.

[RikaWynter]

I am in a very similar siutation, except I'm not even lucky enought to have had my BF get a ring - and to make matters worse - my father has the diamond already for him and my uncle is a jeweler - it couldn't be easier for him!

 

We have been together for five years - lived together for 4. We bought a house and have a dog - basically we are doing everything in reverse order, except having kids which I WILL NOT do without being married. I basically feel like I have "dug my own grave" by giving him everything without insisting on being married, or at least engaged. We have talked about it extensively, as you have said, and it's not like we don't "know" that it's going to happen, but he's just gotten so incredibly complacent because he already has all of the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibility. He has the "if it ain't broke" mentality, I think.

 

For me, my BF is simply being lazy, I think. About a week ago, I actually told him flat out, that we need to get engaged soon or we're gonna have some problems on our hands. So now I get to play the waiting game. Like I said, my dad has the diamond and my uncle is a jeweler, so all he has to do is get off his lazy a@# and get a setting - he even has my ring size for pete's sake! I'm not sure how to long to wait now that I have laid my thoughts out on the table. Sometimes with these men, I think it's just sheer complacency. As wonderful a guy as my BF is and as much as he's stood by me through thick and thin, I would give anything for him to see as much value in our engagement as I do.

 

So, hang in there - at least you are lucky enough that he bought the ring. By the time you read this message - hopefully you are officially engaged!

 

-Rika

[katie79]

I had a similar problem as well. What you should do is tell him a time slot when you wish for the official engagement by...

Of course I did that. Not that I regret it, but now I'm begining to think (although HE would bring up marriage a number of times throughout the relationship) if he would have ever done it without my insisting? In the heart, I feel signs point to know b/c he was lazy and unmotivated. We set a date already, but still I wonder about stuff like that. I even wonder if maybe I had just dumped him and found someone else, maybe engagement would have come more happily, with no demands or stress. I guess this doesn't sound very good. Yes, I am in love with him, but sometimes I wonder if I deserve better than this.

 

Okay, you lived with him. You intimated you basically have a married life with this man, but you're not married. You can't fix your past decisions, but you can correct the future! Move out if this goes nowhere. Your both holding yourselves back if you don't get married. Think about this. This is your life afterall.

[8 years]

Yikes! Why is it that everyone is in such a rush to get engaged? Really what is the rush! If you are happy with the person you are with and they are happy with you, then who really cares if it is one year or ten? I know I am hoping on this thread a bit late in the action but some of the things I have read so far are a bit out there. Believe me if I saw $100 on the floor it would be gone in a second, but comparing that to a relationship?!? Come on! Is there anyone with me here? Here are my words of advise. If you love him and he loves you, unconditionaly, then you should enjoy every day you have together whether you are engaged, married or not. I cannot believe that you would say that the engagement is ruined even if he was to ask you because of his waiting. Stand back and look at how selfish that is. Have you ever thought that it might just be your pressuring him that is making him wait and put it off. Here is a little comparison that you should understand. When you are not in the mood for sex, but he is and he just keeps on nagging you and asking you repeatedly why not etc, does that ever make you suddenly feel in the mood? and if you were to give in would it even be special or enjoyable? Now just replace sex with the engagement and... I hope you see the light. I just dont understand what being engaged adds to the relationship or more importantly what not being engaged takes away from it? I am talking about you feelings for him here. Doesnt anyone think it is desrespectful to give the person you love an ultimatum? What is more important? A ring and a question... or the love, friendship, support of the person you love the most in your life. Believe me a ring and a question dont make you happy... being marriagied doesnt make you happy. What you bring to your relationship and what you get out of it are what will make you happy. I waited 8 years before asking my wife to marry me and she was just as happy as I was. We had our own reasons for waiting but it definitely didnt ruin anything for us and to be quite honest I am a true believer that good things come to those who wait. I just dont understand what you are so scared of that you cannot wait for the person you love to ask you on thier own terms. You could also throw tradition out the door and ask him...

[katie79]

however, everyone's situation is different.

But there's a such thing as too long and wasting time with someone who is keeping you around for their own selfish reasons and holding you back.

[Bea77]

If you push him too much to ask you to marry him and he asks you, you'll feel like that was the only reason why. Have a talk with him. It sounds like your boyfriend is in a comfort zone right now, you're living together, getting along, why would he want to change all that and get married! Maybe you need some time apart. If you moved out on your own, it would give him a chance to miss you. It would also make him realize what he missing. If you separate and he still dosen't ask you, then maybe you should move on with your life. You've already wasted 7 years, do you really want to waste anymore time waiting for something he may not even want?

[girlnextdoor]

I meet my hubby on aug 14 of 99, I knew almost right away he was the one for me, and I knew he loved me too. But being a guy he was scared to move too fast or get rejected so I wasn't about to wait years and years and years for him to build up the courage or get ready, whatever.

 

So completly untraditional, I took him to this great spot where we watched the sun set many times before, I gave him a ring, asked him if he'ld wear it and walk down the isle with me.

 

He was so shocked and thrilled that I did that. He said yes, and we were married november 27 of the same year.

 

We will be celebrating 5 yrs of happiness and love as a married couple next month.

 

I know it's not every girls dream to ask her man to marry her, but hey why not, if you love him, and you want to be with him. Just do it. If he really doesn't want to marry you than you will know and won't be left wondering for years to come.

 

My hubby tells me all the time he's so glad I stepped up, he was so worried I'ld say no or that he wasn't good enough or didn't have enough money.

 

You know what, I'm glad too.

[luckynumber10]

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Hello,

 

I just read your dillema about being with someone for 7 years and still not being engaged. I am in the same boat...kinda.

 

We have had some up's and down's in our relationship...mostly up's. Last year we broke up for an 8 month period bc I had wanted us to move in together, to take a step in the relationship. Marriage was not feasible for us bc after college (we've been out for 5 years now), he went to law school for 3 years. So for the last 2 years, he has been in the workforce but with school loans, etc, it hasn't been the easiest for him financially. I understood that. Last year he was into the idea of moving in together. We would go look at apts together here and there and progressively I noticed each time we went, he found something wrong with the apt we were looking at, so we passed on it. This happened for a few weeks until I asked him what was going on with him. He confessed that he wasn't "ready" to take this next step and that he needed more time to get himself together individually, etc... That broke my heart. Here was someone that I was with for close to 6 years and I was at the point of marriage, but willing to try just living together, and he wasn't ready for either. So we broke up. I couldn't deal with that blow of rejection so I told him I needed time away. He thought it to be best too. We both did our own things throughout that 8 month time period and kept in touch sporadically, mostly over email. I started noticing that I was doing 'ok' and he was the one that was 'missing' me so much. So I would say about 3 months before we actually got back together, he had been pursuing a reconciliation with me. We broke up in late March and got back together in December...with him telling me how much he's grown to realize that I am the one and he was so dumb to not have seen it then.

 

SO... things have been going really well for us this year and we've been making all these big future plans about getting engaged, moving in together, getting married, etc... This kind of talk started earlier in the year. We went to look at rings in early August... and It's late October and I am getting really impatient now. Another reason is bc we are renting an apt together (move in date was Oct 15th) and he has been living there, but he has known my sentiments about not living together before we are engaged. I feel upset bc I was thinking that we would have been engaged in time for me to move in with him as well...He's known all along about this, both coming from Catholic families. But I think to him, he just thinks "I love her, we have time to get engaged...".

 

And to make matters worse, our friends have been passing us by... most are engaged or married already... and although I am so happy for them, I am so sad for myself. I was ready a while ago and he says he is too... but what is taking so friggin long? He blames it on $$$ and how much rings cost these days... but even my family is like 'this is ridiculous'. I am at my wits-end and don't know what to do or how to feel. I don't want to be a b*tch to him and be resentful but I am becoming that way and I really can not take it anymore. I've told him a bunch of times how I feel about this and he just thinks I'm trying to keep up with "the joneses". I'm at the point where I'm willing to throw in the towel again bc I am not getting what I think I deserve... a full commitment... from him.

[katie79]

Seven years IS a long time to wait...

Actually, it's TOO long. I had a similar problem, but we were together 3 1/2 years when he proposed. When he realized I was ready to kiss him off, that's when he proposed basically.

But he never said he wasn't ready. He would put it off, which is bad as well. Yes, he used money as an excuse. To be honest, it really isn't. My fiance used to say all that sh*t and I fell for it like an a-hole. He claimed he didn't have money to move out, get married, etc. Well, with the same job he had, he's doing all that now. When there's a will there's a way. When a man's really in love, he'll do whatever it takes to spend the rest of his life with you.

I don't mean to hurt you, but it sounds to me like he's not in love with you, or crazy enough about you to marry you. After all this time, don't you deserve better? How much longer are you willing to wait for him to change his mind. A man's life will always be complex. That has nothing to do with marrying you. He's keeping you around for some reasons. Probably ones you don't want to hear.

Tell him you want to get engaged and get married in the next year. He doesn't want to do it, dump him. Don't feel bad for him. He's rejecting you now obviously. He's been rejecting you for years already. He keeps giving you the run around. Feeding you whatever excuse makes sense. So what if he's in law school?? I'm engaged, I want to go back for my Master's soon. Should I make my significant other wait another 5 years for me to accomplish this? My parents were still in college when they got married. And they paid for it themselves. No mommies and daddies were lending them money.

Get rid of him if he can't do it now. Dump him, don't be scared.

You're wasting time and opportunites to meet other men. Don't wait till your 55 and your tits are sagging on the ground for him to propose!!!

[guest]

i agree with the ultimatum issue as being a big risk. i know that i am one who does not kindly take to an ultimatum---when i'm cornered i will fight. if you surely want to lose this guy, just back him in a corner. thats all he needs with a hectic career. you sound like marriage is the end all---it must not be for 54% of the people who divorce. i would just discuss your future, and move on if he dodges or doesnt answer correctly.

[zora]

I am with you, I would never - ever give my guy an ultimative to marry me or not. I don't want that force on him and after a couple of years now, us together, living together, having fun with no stress, no issues, I figure if we do not get married, ok - if we do well then ok.. either way I am enjoying our time together and the happiness we are sharing.

 

Yes, I see all my friends getting engaged, married and even pregnant and I am just 'dating' ... wwll dating in a happy committed relationship. If I am meant to have his last name in the future it will happen.. I will never force it, I don't want to him to feel like he had to put a ring on my finger, he will do it because he loves me and wants to spend his days with me. 7 years is a very long time but that is for YOUR relationship and i do wish you luck with that, but some others would say .. it's cool, 7 years no rock ..