SoleMate Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 I have a solution for all the women waiting for their bf to propose to them. Once you decide you really want to marry him, don't wait for him to ask you - turn the tables and ask him yourself! Yes, that's right. Calm down everybody. A woman can propose just as well as a man can. No, you don't have to buy him an expensive ring. Just sit down with him, tell him you love him madly and can't live without him, and ask if he will do you the honor of becoming your husband. If he says Yes, problem solved. If he says No, never, problem also solved. If he says he doesn't know, then tell him you would like his answer within 1 week. If he doesn't answer...then, sadly, tell him you will always love him, but since he is breaking your heart by not agreeing to your proposal, you two can no longer be together because the pain is too great. If he says "Wait for an indefinite period while I figure out how to answer", then also use the breaking heart and no longer together speech. Yup, I play hardball. "Ultimatum" has an ugly sound to it. I prefer to think of it as "Not settling for a deal that is less than I want". To me, this is so clear and so obvious. If two people have vastly different plans for their futures, they will not be happy together. And to those women who wait patiently, hoping that fate will at last reward them, all I can say is "You poor thing". There's a world of heartbreak coming for those women. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by SoleMate I have a solution for all the women waiting for their bf to propose to them. Once you decide you really want to marry him, don't wait for him to ask you - turn the tables and ask him yourself! Yes, that's right. Calm down everybody. A woman can propose just as well as a man can. No, you don't have to buy him an expensive ring. Just sit down with him, tell him you love him madly and can't live without him, and ask if he will do you the honor of becoming your husband. And to those women who wait patiently, hoping that fate will at last reward them, all I can say is "You poor thing". There's a world of heartbreak coming for those women. Sole Mate, I believe that the reason that the OP hasn't proposed to her man, as you so glibly suggest, is that it simply wouldn't be the same. When a man asks to marry you, of his own will and volition, he is truly telling you that he cannot live without you. When you ask him, or give him an ultimatum, he may assent to your wishes, not because he can't live without you, but because you insist. It would be the equivalent of throwing yourself a baby shower for yourself when you get pregnant-- hey, you can make the food, and buy the gifts. But nothing will ever compare with your girlfriends throwing you one, because it shows that they value and love you enough to do something so kind. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. But I do feel good knowing that I will never wait an unconscionable length of time for a man to ask to marry me. And for those who prefer to wait 5, 10, or 20 years for that "sincere" proposal, best of luck to ya! Out of curiosity, where does this gender imbalance come from? Couldn't a man say, "How do I know she really loves me and wants to be with me, if she has never asked me to marry her? If I ask her and she accepts, then is she just giving in because I insisted?" BTW, I thought your baby shower analogy was glib. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by SoleMate I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. But I do feel good knowing that I will never wait an unconscionable length of time for a man to ask to marry me. And for those who prefer to wait 5, 10, or 20 years for that "sincere" proposal, best of luck to ya! Out of curiosity, where does this gender imbalance come from? Couldn't a man say, "How do I know she really loves me and wants to be with me, if she has never asked me to marry her? If I ask her and she accepts, then is she just giving in because I insisted?" BTW, I thought your baby shower analogy was glib. This "gender imbalance" is cultural tradition, SoleMate. While I believe that some traditions are inane and should be abolished, I maintain that this doesn't belong in that category. I would never wait 5, 10, or 20 years for a man to ask me to marry him-- heck, I wouldn't wait 2. My fiance asked me to marry him after about a year. I respect my body too much to be seeing or living with a man who thinks I'm good enough for regular sex, but not to be his wife. Too many women allow themselves to be, dare I say it, used. You suggest she should propose because "a woman can propose as well as a man can". Well, I could throw my own wedding shower better than my friends. I know what I want best, no? But when it comes from them it shows their affection for me as their girlfriend. Women have a very strong need to know that they are loved, and when a man asks to marry you, he affirms that he does indeed love and cherish you--enough to be with you forever. If he doesn't ask, it's not because the thought has never crossed his mind. He can ask for and actively pursue anything else he wants: sex, beer, a promotion at work... and now the cat has got his tongue? I don't think she should ask him. He doesn't want to marry her-- that's why he hasn't asked. It's time to find someone else who respects and loves her. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Considering the divorce rate in this country I often wonder about attitudes towards marriage. It seems that some women have stars in their eyes involving the engagement, wedding and needing to be married that the nuts and bolts, the realities of maintaining a relationship take a back seat until after the wedding. Some men want all the perks without the commitment. Myself and most of my friends have been late marriers. Waiting until our 30s, getting the wilder times and changes of life out of the way and waiting until things pretty much 'feel right' inside and out. I'm pretty darn sure that if I was married in my mid twenties or earlier it would have been a disaster. I have a couple friends who married early, soon after high school or college in their twenties. They are mostly divorced. This has been my experience, others may have seen different things in life. Your boyfriend may love you dearly but knew inside that he was just not ready. It sounds like he's trying to set everything up to be just right. He may be stalling. You need to communicate, find out how he feels without cornering him. Corner a man about his feelings and you'll often find yourself talking to a clam. He may want to surprise you at some point in the future. Try to find a way to talk about the ideas of marriage without hammering on the actual engagement. You may hear things you don't want to hear. You need to decide how much patience you have. At some point time apart might clear things up for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
katie79 Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Perhaps he isn't asking you to marry him for a reason... things happen for a reason. Maybe you will find out why later. What would you do if you gave him an ulitmatium, and then another guy came into your life would would want to marry you (and getting him to propose wouldn't be like pulling teeth) who may be a better match for you. Take it from me, I know someone who this happened to, and now she regrets ever putting pressure on her fiance back then to "get her a ring". Now she's stuck in debt with wedding arrangements, and a confused heart. Her wedding is in 6 months and she thinks she may be in love with another man, who has specified his feelings for her. Tough decision to make. ALso, I was in a similar boat 5 months ago or so. If he doesn't want to marry you after seven long years, tell him what you want and if he doesn't give, look elsewhwere. Plenty of other fish in the sea, this fish is a dead one. Find a fish full of life who wants to swim with you. Besides, the bonding has "broke" once you two have opposite feelings about commiting towards each other. And if any man is that into his lady, he wont let her go, nor would he want to est to her his lack of interest in spending a life with her in fear of loosing her. Don't be afraid of loosing him enterily, he's shown already he's not afraid to loose you. Pls take this advice seriously, it's very true. Link to post Share on other sites
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