Reverse Syndrome: Boyfriend against making love

[Lil Lady]

I have seen quite a few posts on here from males saying that their significant other does not want sex, or only does it for the mans sake.

 

I ran into a problem last night and many nights previously. My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year, we have been sexually active together for that year. We have a very different view on making love. I believe that making love is a vital part of a relationship, being that it shows the other intimacy and how much you care...that you "want" the other person. My boyfriend does not view it as such. He has quite a few health problems, an accident from when he was younger has left his body feeling broken most of the time as he grows older. We have what feels like to me, very little time to make love together. We have his son with us 5 days a week, working, household chores, just life in general seems to always interfere. I have had "female issues" with my menstration cycle being very irregular, which has been another issue with our "timing".

 

Last night, we were alone, he was sketching on a piece of his art, I had done my nightly routine and came downstairs without any undies on, and only a long t-shirt. I wanted to "surprise" him. The reaction I got totally surprised me. He raised his eyebrows in surprise that's for sure, but then asked that I go put on clothes, what if someone was to bust down the door. I looked at him and said well i thought we could head upstairs, but he said we will in like 30 minutes or so. So I go upstairs alone and put on my night clothes and sit in the bathroom and cry for about 15 minutes. I don't know exactly what reaction I was expecting, but being told to put on clothes was not the reaction I thought would happen.

 

We had a talk when we did finally go to bed, because he could tell that I was hurt. He was upset because he said he didn't want to hurt me, and that I shouldn't have taken it hurtfully. He always tells me that he thinks I am beautiful, that he always wants me, but sometimes his body just hurts too much, and when we make love it ends up hurting him more the next day. He told me that he also had a lot of frustration in his head that he wasn't in the right mind-frame for us to be intimate. After an hour long conversation and arguing I finally told him that I think being intimate is a vital part of a relationship, to which he disagreed. He told me that he is not sexually driven, and he doesn't want to treat me like a piece of meat. He asked what I expected from him with the "stunt" I pulled...did I want him to push me over the couch and take me there in the living room? I answered no, that's not what I wanted, but that I just wanted him to want me. He told me that I do not listen to him because he always tells me that he wants me. In my mind, I was thinking that actions speak louder than words. Nonetheless, he says that he thinks of intimacy as just being able to hold hands, cuddling on the couch, giving each other sweet kisses, which it is a form of intimacy, but not the intimacy I am looking for. He said that he doesn't want our relationship based on sex. It is FAR from the point of being based on that. ~sighs~

I guess I'm just wanting to see the other side of things. I am far from "fat", but I have put on a few pounds over the past year, which I am trying my hardest to get rid of because it makes me feel horrible about myself, even though he always tells me that I look fine. So when he told me to put on clothes, it just further made my self-esteem go out the window.

 

I don't know what to do to make him "want-want" me, instead of just "wanting" me. I don't know what would make him want to take action. Is there something I am doing that is wrong? Are my self-esteem issues pushing him away from me?

[melodymatters]

Sweetheart, deep breaths. It does not sound like you are doing ONE SINGLE THING WRONG. Unfortunately he's given you your answer : He's not into sex. Whether it's physical pain, or just low testosterone, I have seldom heard of a more clear cut case of mismatched sex drives.

 

OF COURSE you want a healthy sex life with your partner, that's NORMAL. And he doesn't sound like a mean guy : he didn't say " You disgust me you whale, put some clothes on", what happened was he had to reveal that he is unlike most red blooded males who would love to have sex, often and wherever.

 

I don't know the details of this R, but things that come to mind are that he should have a physical check up for T levels, ( and maybe any other underlying problems), maybe some couples counseling, and then finally, YOU may have to decide if you are ready to live and die with an "80 yrs old's holding hands" kind of relationship.

 

Sucks, and I'm sad for you.....

[TaraMaiden]

Why would the fact that he is cold, distant, sexless, disinterested in intimacy, incapable of performing, projecting, unable to admit the problem and in complete denial about how 'broken' he is - be any of your fault, exactly....?

 

(Answers on a postcard please, entries to be received no later than 13.02.2013.)

[Els]

We have a very different view on making love. I believe that making love is a vital part of a relationship, being that it shows the other intimacy and how much you care...that you "want" the other person. My boyfriend does not view it as such.

 

Well, seems like you have your answer right here. Your sex drives were incompatible from the start. Rather than internalize the reasons and fixate on the 'few extra pounds', why not accept that the reason is simple incompatibility? Then, if you value your sex life, it might be beneficial to be with someone who's compatible, instead of your polar opposite.

 

I have to say though, that the way he turned you down was flat-out douchey and jackass-ish. So now you have a guy who is not only sexually incompatible, but also douchey. Question is: What are you gonna do about it?

[SensitiveTJ]

Considering your boyfriend has what sounds like a physical disability, a "normal" sexual relationship may not be in the cards for you. I don't think either of you is to blame here. But you have to decide whether this is enough for you long-term.

[Cutiepie1976]

After an hour long conversation and arguing I finally told him that I think being intimate is a vital part of a relationship, to which he disagreed. He told me that he is not sexually driven, and he doesn't want to treat me like a piece of meat.

 

While he very well may be asexual or have a low sex drive, or pain may indeed be part of the issue, I just wonder if he also views sex as somehow "dirty" or "wrong?" His reaction and comments seem to say more than just lack of interest or drive.

 

He asked what I expected from him with the "stunt" I pulled...did I want him to push me over the couch and take me there in the living room? I answered no, that's not what I wanted, but that I just wanted him to want me.

Actually, I would have said yes. I guess in my last serious relationship, it didn't matter where we were. If I showed the least flicker of interest, he was ready to go. Floor, staircase, couch, kitchen counter, wherever. We were well matched. I don't think you two are.

 

Relationships are about far more than sex, but sex is very much an integral and critical piece of the picture. Without it, you are just good friends at best.

 

Why do you stay?

 

He told me that I do not listen to him because he always tells me that he wants me. In my mind, I was thinking that actions speak louder than words. Nonetheless, he says that he thinks of intimacy as just being able to hold hands, cuddling on the couch, giving each other sweet kisses, which it is a form of intimacy, but not the intimacy I am looking for. He said that he doesn't want our relationship based on sex.

...I am far from "fat", but I have put on a few pounds over the past year, which I am trying my hardest to get rid of because it makes me feel horrible about myself, even though he always tells me that I look fine.

Sounds as if he is looking for companionship and friendship. Either that or the incomplete, immature type of connection one had on a grade school crush as an older preteen or early teen.

 

A number of reasons why this might be. None of them involves your appearance.

 

At any rate, is this acceptable to you? If you require someone who, in addition to these things, also makes love to you, f*cks you, and unequivocally shows you sexually that you're a desirable woman, you need someone else. You won't get anything near that from him. You will always feel lacking and unfulfilled sexually. Given your insecurities, you will worry that his behavior reflects your unattractiveness, which will corrode your self-esteem.

 

I don't know what to do to make him "want-want" me, instead of just "wanting" me. I don't know what would make him want to take action.

Nothing you can do. This is who he is. Accept it!

 

Is there something I am doing that is wrong?

Actually, yes! You are unwilling to recognize that this is a pointless exercise in futility. You are unwilling to accept his limitations. You somehow feel you can change him. You are unwilling to walk away and find a partner better suited to meeting your needs.

 

Please stop banging your head against a brick wall. You'll end up with a bloody scalp, a bad gash, and a splitting headache. The wall will still be there, unmoved, undented, and unchanged save for a spot of blood...awaiting its next victim.

[Lil Lady]

Relationships are about far more than sex, but sex is very much an integral and critical piece of the picture. Without it, you are just good friends at best

 

I would actually have to say I agree to that statement. I have often wondered exactly if we were in a relationship or not...and not just based on the sexual intimacy. We have what I view as a tenuous relationship. I love him, but is love honestly enough? It breaks my heart to even say that. He and I dated in highschool for a very short time, neither one of us remembers why we broke up, but needless to say that we did and it took us over 14 years to find each other again. He's been through two marriages, myself in one. Anyways, when we first got together we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. Always touching, kissing, so on and so forth until we made love. Then we continued to try to be intimate for quite some time any chance that we could. I lived with my parents after my divorce so I couldn't bring him home, and he lived with one of his guy friends so "alone time" was hard to come by, but we wanted it. We rented an apartment after a few months and started living together, at first we would make love a couple of times a week, then it started to slack off. We broke up for a week because of multiple reasons - financial, intimacy, friends...then we got back together, became intimate frequently again and now it has slacked off. When we talked the other night, I brought up this point to him and he said, "I didn't know how long you were going to be in my life. I know now that we plan on getting married and spending the rest of our lives together." So in my mind I'm thinking, okay so I'm available all the time, it makes it less "attractive" to make love? That doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

 

For the longest time, he was without employment, I was paying for everything. Now he has recently got a job, which will help greatly on the financial front once he actually gives me a paycheck to help pay the bills. I help watch his son when he is at work. I cook, I clean, I do laundry...he occassionally helps with the household chores.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that there seems to be a lot of reasons why I would want to leave, but my heart tells me to stay. My body wants more, but I will never cheat on him, because both of his ex's did...I'm assuming because he's not "sexually driven". When we make love it's amazing...but it's not often at all. It's been about 2 weeks since we last made love. and before that, probably another 2 or 3 weeks. I don't know that my body will let me be happy with not enough sexual satisfaction. If I leave because of that reason, does that make me a bad person? Also, another reason I can't leave is because he doesn't have a car, he uses mine...he doesn't have anywhere else to stay, other than with "friends" that are not very good people. He won't get to see his son, he would lose his job because he has no way to work, and it would put him back in the position he was in before we got together.

 

My heart hurts at the thought of not being with him.

Oh and one more thing...our arguments...are outrageous. When we argue, he always brings up the past. He brings up my past mistakes, (talking over email to my neighbor, an older man, when my boyfriend and I broke up for a week, and it wasn't like the man was hitting on me, or trying to get with me, it was just a friendly conversation over email 2 times, but since I didn't bring it up initially with my boyfriend, he views it a something wrong.) When we argue he constantly brings up my parents, we have a very rough relationship where my parents are concerned...they don't like him at all and tell me on a regular basis, which I'm working on that. Our arguments never stay on topic because he always brings up the past. Just the other night, after our sexual intimacy discussion, he was looking on his FB account, I saw that he had some friend requests because we were sitting in the bed together. I asked who they were, he said oh it's just friend requests. I said, I know that, but who? Yes one of them was a girl, but that wasn't what I was asking about, he had like 5 or more friend requests. I was just curious, and he would ask me the same thing on my account if he saw something similar. So anyway...it turned into a 2 hour argument because I asked him a few questions about the same thing since he wouldn't answer me. He got upset...then the conversation turned to my past mistakes, my parents, and everything that frustrates him. He tells me quite often that I don't speak to him the way he thinks I should since we are in love. He tells me that I don't use the right tone part of the time.

 

I guess I'm answering my own questions here. I'm sorry that I keep rambling. My heart and my head are torn...my heart says that I love him and want to be with him...my head says that things aren't working out. But how can I put him on the streets? (When we broke up he ended up having to sleep outside one night because of the friends he was staying with were arguing.)

[Nyla]

Use your head and not your heart. You will not be happy with a man who is not interested in sex and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I dated a fool who blamed me for his impotence. This man was a heavy smoker, but he said it was my fault for being "too fat" .

 

He was just trying to shift blame as most men I went to bed with had no trouble getting it up, including my husband. Size ten is not fat.

 

Don't let this man do this to you. He is the one with the problem.

Edited February 11, 2013 by Nyla

[Ninja'sHusband]

Is he religious?

[Turtles]

I think there is a lot to say about how much it sucks to not feel wanted & desired, have mismatched sexual drives, have the 2 partners attach different importance to sex (or other aspects of the relationship for that matter), or have a partner who is always dredging up the past in every argument, but there are so many posts about that subject already I don't feel like writing about it, other than to say I was in a similar situation, left and am tremendously happier now.

 

So just one thing, about you not leaving because he doesn't have a car etc - his being a loser, is not a good enough reason for you to stay. Yes you may not want to put him out in the cold if he does not have any place to go but you could always give him an ultimatum to move out - he can find a cheap car, or carpool, or move closer to work and take the bus. He's old enough that he should be able to fend for himself. Then if he has not cleared his **** by the time the deadline is reached you can kick him out.

[Lil Lady]

Is he religious?

 

He has his beliefs, but is not overly religious. We always try to make time for church, and a place to go, but it is difficult since he has multiple tattoos and people are very judgemental.

 

 

Turtles, I have pretty much already tried that tactic, but obviously it failed miserably. He got a job, but less than a month later, he had lost it. He had a cheap truck, but it broke down and had to be sent for scrap metal because it would have cost too much to fix, more than it was worth. He is old enough to fend for himself, but me being the way I am, I feel as though I have to help him get on his feet, and if he moves out with no where to go, then I am just pushing him on his a$$ again. He has had this job almost 3 weeks now, so I am trying to see exactly how long it will work out. If not, then what has to be done will be done.

My heart hurts almost all the time...when we have problems sexually, when we argue over nothing, and when I think of all the time spent doing nothing. I am almost to the point of resentment and it's ripping me up inside. If I tell him this stuff, then I know it will only become another argument that I just don't want to have. And when we argue, he makes me feel as though I'm losing my mind because of him talking in circles. I used to believe my brain could function on a higher level, but with him, I just feel tired when we argue. Like the other night when we argued for 2 hours, afterwards it was physically hard for me to even lift my arms, that's how beat down I felt. And before I post this, I want to clarify that he has never shown any signs of physical violence. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't do anything like that.

[Cutiepie1976]

Might be gay, not asexual, and using you (and the ex-wives) for cover. Guys on the down-low often move very quickly to marriage.

 

Why was he so evasive about guys friending him on Facebook. What about that warrants a two-hour argument? He shows up to bunk at a friend's unexpectedly and the ensuing argument is so bad that he sleeps on the street instead...or whatever outside means? Are they still friends? Was this the friend he had been staying with before he moved in with you? A different guy? There is more to this story and all the drama than meets the eye given the types of responses he gives you. This isn't just low libido or pain.

 

The more important issue though, is what are you getting out of this? You've given him so much, it's as if you're trying to make it near impossible for him to leave--cook, housemaid, nanny, rent-free housing, free utilities, free car rental...free life really since he didn't even have a job for much of the relationship. You can't leave him because he needs to borrow your car? Really? He survived just fine before meeting you and gaining access to your car. He's an adult.

 

What's the real reason you want him to stay? As dysfunctional as the arrangement you portray may be, he's meeting your needs somehow. How? What is he giving you that makes the arrangement worth it to you?

 

Be honest about your motivation for being involved with him and you'll solve your problems. Choose to blow smoke and disingenuous reasons all over this situation and you'll be back to post about an unfulfilling marriage with him or a relationship with another incompatible partner. The fact of the matter is you chose to be with a man who seems to be all wrong for you in very fundamental ways and you stayed. The issue isn't what underlies his behavior. Asexual, no libido, impotent, repressed, religious fanatic, gay, whatever! Completely irrelevant! He is and was a terrible choice for a partner. Period. The real problem is that you picked him, stayed with him, have bent over backwards to try and keep him, and have progressed to the point where he thinks marriage is a foregone conclusion. Why?

Edited February 12, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[Lil Lady]

Why was he so evasive about guys friending him on Facebook. What about that warrants a two-hour argument?

 

It wasn't about guys friending him on Facebook. It was that there was a girl. I wasn't specifically talking about the girl, but I saw quite a few people had requested to be his friend, and so when I asked who they were he just said friend requests. I asked again no, I mean who are they? And he said, again, just friend requests. Almost like he was trying to hide something, or just being evasive in his answer. Anyways, the reason for it turning into a two hour argument was because he said I didn't think he was being faithful, that I didn't trust him. Then it turned to him pulling my parents into the argument, things I've done in the past...yadda yadda yadda. hence the two hour argument.

 

The more important issue though, is what are you getting out of this?

 

I thought long and hard about this answer...our relationship isn't all bad. There are good points to how we are with each other and those are the reasons that I stay. That is what I am getting out of it. When we aren't arguing or having stress thrown into our faces, we have a great time around each other, he constantly shows me affection, such as kisses, hugs, little touches. I know that we can be great together if we can just work through the "issues". Communicating during arguments is something we have been trying to work on, but it ends up coming back to the same way again and again. Financially, well only time will tell with that debacle since it is all dependant on his job. Sexually, again, only time will tell, as when I posted this 3 days ago, we still have yet to make love, which in total has now been...coming up on two weeks I believe. He did tell me that he would like for us to have a "stress-free" day without any issues between each other and hopefully no outside issues, then he feels like those are the right times to make love. Well, with him going through a divorce, my parents, financial strains, and work in general, who actually has a stress free day???

 

Just last night, his son (5 y/o) didn't want to stay with us, because we are trying to teach him to sleep in his own bed, so instead of staying here, he pitched a fit to go stay with his mommy. She doesn't even try to make him stay in his own bed, so why would he want to stay here? Well obviously, this hurt my b/f, and so that put us another night of not being intimate.

[pteromom]

Nonetheless, he says that he thinks of intimacy as just being able to hold hands, cuddling on the couch, giving each other sweet kisses, which it is a form of intimacy, but not the intimacy I am looking for. He said that he doesn't want our relationship based on sex. It is FAR from the point of being based on that. ~sighs~

 

I don't know what to do to make him "want-want" me, instead of just "wanting" me. I don't know what would make him want to take action. Is there something I am doing that is wrong? Are my self-esteem issues pushing him away from me?

 

I am actually in a situation a lot like your boyfriend. Sex is quite painful for me and nothing is more of a libido killer than knowing it will hurt when you do it.

 

I also am with your boyfriend on his definition of intimacy.

 

And I know in my case, there is nothing my husband could do to make me "want-want" him. Because it isn't about him. It's about my body and how sex feels to me and my lower sex drive.

 

If you want your relationship to continue, you are going to need to redefine what sex and intimacy entail. Is he open to taking care of you, orally or with a vibrator or whatever? If so, do you think you can live without being needed sexually?

 

You need to put a lot of thought into whether this relationship is meeting your needs, and whether you could be happy in this situation. Your boyfriend is who he is, and he is unlikely to switch into someone who is very sexual. So are the other things he offers you worth settling for less-than-fulfilling sex, or not?

 

I would work on letting go of blaming yourself for his deficiency. It is most likely HIM and not your fault at all.

[Lil Lady]

Thank you Pteromom. That does help me quite a bit. One other issue we have is if I end up taking a long shower, he'll make a joke and say something about if I "enjoyed" myself...making comments about me "taking matters into my own hands". He doesn't seem to think I would need to do that type of thing, so if I do end up doing something along those lines, then he would get upset, saying something about him not pleasing me. Also, he doesn't like the idea of me having vibrators. He WANTS to please me, but as you said, it is quite painful for him.

 

He has also told me that he has never done anything orally with anyone else prior to me, and in our one year relationship it has been less than a handful of times that he has done it. He doesn't even want me to do it to him, unless it's right before making love. I guess I am just used to males wanting it all the time, no matter what is going on around them, and with my b/f I just feel like it's me, rather than him. But now I understand and know what the problem is....I just need to talk to him again about it and see exactly what comes of it...if we can both be happy with our intimacy/love making.

[Cutiepie1976]

I thought long and hard about this answer...our relationship isn't all bad. There are good points to how we are with each other and those are the reasons that I stay. That is what I am getting out of it. When we aren't arguing or having stress thrown into our faces, we have a great time around each other, he constantly shows me affection, such as kisses, hugs, little touches. I know that we can be great together if we can just work through the "issues".

...

 

He did tell me that he would like for us to have a "stress-free" day without any issues between each other and hopefully no outside issues, then he feels like those are the right times to make love. Well, with him going through a divorce, my parents, financial strains, and work in general, who actually has a stress free day???

Unfortunately, you seem intent on hoping for what might be. He is telling you through words and actions that it will never become so.

 

Please bear in mind that he already has two failed marriages, seemingly over similar issues. I wish you well.

[pteromom]

Thank you Pteromom. That does help me quite a bit. One other issue we have is if I end up taking a long shower, he'll make a joke and say something about if I "enjoyed" myself...making comments about me "taking matters into my own hands".

 

This is his guilt talking. You need to keep talking to him about this. He can't have it both ways. He needs to understand that you have sexual needs, and that just as him NOT wanting sex has nothing to do with you, you WANTING sex is not a judgment or criticism of his low sex drive.

 

Also, he doesn't like the idea of me having vibrators. He WANTS to please me, but as you said, it is quite painful for him.

 

He needs some tweaking of his thinking. You guys need to sit down and have a very logic-based conversation on this, with the goal of solving the problem. The issue is that you have sexual needs. How does he propose that they are met? If he only wants to have sex every two weeks, he needs to open his mind to the fact that you'll need to masturbate to supplement your sex life with him, and that a vibrator is simply a tool, not a competitor.

 

If he wants you to have sex ONLY with him and not with toys, he needs to be open to meeting your sexual needs as often as you need them met, in whatever way works best for him and you.

 

I guess I am just used to males wanting it all the time, no matter what is going on around them, and with my b/f I just feel like it's me, rather than him. But now I understand and know what the problem is....I just need to talk to him again about it and see exactly what comes of it...if we can both be happy with our intimacy/love making.

 

Everyone is different, and you can't expect him to just act like a male stereotype. I don't know for sure if his feelings about you have to do with his low interest, or if it is just an issue with his pain and natural low drive. But it is in your best interest to ASSUME it is his problem, and that if he has some kind of issue with you, it is HIS responsibility to communicate that to you. Unless he does, you should go on feeling fabulous about yourself and try NOT to personalize his low libido.

[mustangguy29]

Why would the fact that he is cold, distant, sexless, disinterested in intimacy, incapable of performing, projecting, unable to admit the problem and in complete denial about how 'broken' he is - be any of your fault, exactly....?

 

You are of course correct Tara.

 

What is sad is that when a woman exhibits the behavior this guy is exhibiting, it is supposedly "the guy's fault", because he is not doing enough laundry or crappy in bed or some other BS reason.

[Lil Lady]

Well, here is another side to the story. Yesterday and other times in the past, during the day he will make comments about wanting to make love, and that I should plan on it that night. Which in my mind I think GREAT!! Well, when night time comes, he just curls up next to me and falls asleep. This happened yesterday. I told him that I wanted to take a bath and he made the comment, well don't do anything while you're in there, hint hint, we'll make love tonight. Well, again, night time came and he wanted a leg rub, because he was having pains again, so I was rubbing his legs, but with the comment he made earlier I sort of rubbed on "other things". Well he told me that I'm always doing that...that his legs weren't getting much of a rub compared to the "other things". So I just started rubbing his legs, then he said alright, let's lay down, and then he fell asleep. I don't think I'd have as much of a problem if he didn't get my hopes up during the day and then be let down at night. I guess I just need to not expect it even when he makes those types of comments during the day. Just venting again I guess...

[Ninja'sHusband]

Well, here is another side to the story. Yesterday and other times in the past, during the day he will make comments about wanting to make love, and that I should plan on it that night. Which in my mind I think GREAT!! Well, when night time comes, he just curls up next to me and falls asleep. This happened yesterday. I told him that I wanted to take a bath and he made the comment, well don't do anything while you're in there, hint hint, we'll make love tonight. Well, again, night time came and he wanted a leg rub, because he was having pains again, so I was rubbing his legs, but with the comment he made earlier I sort of rubbed on "other things". Well he told me that I'm always doing that...that his legs weren't getting much of a rub compared to the "other things". So I just started rubbing his legs, then he said alright, let's lay down, and then he fell asleep. I don't think I'd have as much of a problem if he didn't get my hopes up during the day and then be let down at night. I guess I just need to not expect it even when he makes those types of comments during the day. Just venting again I guess...

 

 

I don't know how true it is for other couples...but whenever my ex promised sex I would groan because that was almost a sure sign that I would NOT get it. I had a lot more chance if we hadn't planned anything. I don't think I was deprived or anything...it's just those kinda of promises went 99% unfulfilled. I eventually straight up told her to never promise sex because I had come to take it to mean the opposite.

 

Oh and I asked about the religion thing in case he was concerned about chastity. Sounds like it's more about pain though.

[Almond_Joy]

Well, here is another side to the story. Yesterday and other times in the past, during the day he will make comments about wanting to make love, and that I should plan on it that night. Which in my mind I think GREAT!! Well, when night time comes, he just curls up next to me and falls asleep. This happened yesterday. I told him that I wanted to take a bath and he made the comment, well don't do anything while you're in there, hint hint, we'll make love tonight. Well, again, night time came and he wanted a leg rub, because he was having pains again, so I was rubbing his legs, but with the comment he made earlier I sort of rubbed on "other things". Well he told me that I'm always doing that...that his legs weren't getting much of a rub compared to the "other things". So I just started rubbing his legs, then he said alright, let's lay down, and then he fell asleep. I don't think I'd have as much of a problem if he didn't get my hopes up during the day and then be let down at night. I guess I just need to not expect it even when he makes those types of comments during the day. Just venting again I guess...

 

This is cruel and disrespectful behavior on his part, in the context of you having expressed that this is a legitimate need for you that is not being met.

 

I don't think he's in any position to poke fun of you taking care of your sexual needs on your own if he is not. Better you do that then cheat or leave, correct?

 

I concur with Pteromom's suggestions. There are alot of issues around the topic of sex with him, stemming from his perspectives, his past experiences, and his physical condition. The most effective way to resolve this is a frank discussion so that you two can reach a middle ground.

 

 

Good luck.